Those Who Can't (2016) s03e08 Episode Script
Grisly Man
1 - Ugh.
- [STRAINING.]
I can see that hernia just hulking out of your pants.
You're gonna drop the transmission, buddy.
Maybe take a break? Oh! Oof.
It's harder than it looks.
All right, once you get my tables set up, I want a stack a water per table, got it? I think even you idiots can handle that.
You know, you could try being polite to your volunteers.
Polite? To you guys? The gang who clamored to get out of school early today? So noble of you.
Thank you so much.
Well, why are we even doing this today? The race isn't until tomorrow.
Because I don't want you guys anywhere near this thing tomorrow, got it? I worked my ass off for 11 years for this big dance.
Don't you mean you, uh, waited your ass off for 11 years until Smoot got an Kenyan exchange student? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah, I was blessed by the cross-country gods this year.
So sue me.
Now if you'd excuse me, Abasi and I gonna hit up an Olive Garden for all-you-can-eat breadsticks, okay? I'm gonna carbo-stuff that kid like a foie gras goose, baby! Easy on those things.
And again I don't want any of you at this thing tomorrow.
Do you got it? - [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, boo hoo.
I can't spend my Saturday watching teenagers prance around the woods.
Listen, I want to go home tonight, all right, so how about less yakking, more stacking.
You got it, Rod.
And cool rhyme, man.
Dude, that was super awesome.
So, hang out in the woods while Rod and Fairbell do all the work? - Duh.
- Duh.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
We were just slowing them down anyway.
Let's just go far enough to be out of earshot.
Yeah.
Good luck finding us, idiots.
[LAUGHS.]
Man, these woods are kind of spooky.
Yeah.
You could totally see how a legend like the Clear Creek Butcher could get started out here, huh? Wait, what? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
I can't believe you've never heard of the Clear Creek Butcher.
Legend has it some teacher went nuts way back when, moved out into these woods to live like a hermit.
Yeah, yeah.
And then all kinds of people started going missing.
- Yeah.
- Hikers and campers and other annoying Colorado stereotypes.
Oh, like this choche.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, ski poles.
Hey, there.
Excuse me.
I got a little turned around.
Do you know where the Mount Falcon trailhead is? Oh, yeah, man.
Cool jacket.
That's cool.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, what you're gonna want to do is just walk down this trail.
That'll intersect with "It's 2:00 on a Friday afternoon why aren't you at work" Road, and that should actually intersect with "Get a job you dirty hippie" Avenue, which should take you right to "Out of my Face.
" Super unhelpful, dude.
Dildo.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey, nice work on that one.
- Yeah.
Anyway, legend has it that the Clear Creek Butcher uses a hatchet to chop up his victims.
Right into their skull.
Yeah.
That sounds like bullshit.
It's because it is, Abbey.
Everyone knows that he uses an axe.
Yeah.
Axe is the exact same thing as a hatchet.
What? You're out of your mind.
- I'm out of my mind? - Yeah, you're crazy.
- They're the same thing.
- No, it is not.
That's like saying that a sweet potato is the same as a yam.
A sweet potato is the same thing as a yam.
- No way.
- Okay, whatever! You don't know dick about sweet potatoes, bro.
Oh, my God.
The legend is nonsense.
Is it? Or is just that you're scared [LAUGH EVILLY.]
- of these spooky woods? - I'm not scared.
You're scared of the scary woods.
I happen to find the woods very peaceful.
[INSECT BUZZING.]
[COUGHS.]
[GAGS, CHOKING.]
I-I'd love to help, but I have a thing about drinking after people.
Oh, Christ Almighty, Abbey.
- Just swallow it.
It's just a gn - [INSECTS BUZZING.]
Oh, my God! That one went in my eye.
Oh, my God, there's so many freaking bugs.
Ugh.
I hate the woods.
Yeah, me too.
- Let's just get out of here.
- Yeah.
I don't want to get my dope new Red Wings dirty anyway.
- All right.
Follow me.
- It's right over this way.
- It's right this way.
- No, what are you doing? - It's over this way.
- I recognize that tree.
You recognize that tree? Yeah, we passed it earlier.
It's, like, sort of, like this and then it has a branch going like this.
Oh, that's just great.
She got us lost.
Perfect.
- Well, that's all right.
- Perfect.
Thanks, Abbey.
I'll call Coach Peters and tell him to bring the va - [CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
- I don't have any reception.
- What? - Do you have service? Dude, I've got nothing.
- Oh, my God.
- Damn it! Okay, we have no reception, and we're lost in the woods.
- Okay.
- All right, now I'm freaking out.
- Chill.
- Okay, okay, no.
Don't panic, you guys.
Calm down.
We're gonna get out of here.
- Just follow me.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
You have to just stay put when you get lost in the woods.
That's the first rule Stay put.
No, no, no, no, that's stay put is what you do if you see a bear.
You turtle up, okay, cover the eyes and the gennies.
They like the soft stuff.
No, no, no, when you see a bear, you grab its cub and then you run.
- That's Woods 101.
- Whoa! You never separate a mama bear from its cub.
Are you kidding me? You take the cub, and that's how you have a bargaining chip for later.
- Bargaining chip? - No.
For a guy who wears so many flannel shirts, - you really know dick shit about woods.
- Oh, really? For a woman who recognizes trees, you got us lost.
- I did not get us lost.
- You 100% got us lost.
- Why are you talking about this - Guys, shut up, all right? We're losing daylight real fast.
We'll just go in this direction.
It's the only direction that none of us chose.
You'd never get cast as Take that back! No.
[GRUNTS.]
Done, no thanks to those jagoffs.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, at least we got a little man-on-man man time.
- Put her there.
- I mean, not only did they not help, but they disappeared completely and they're our ride.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, great, no service.
Looks like we got to go find them.
You want to go into the woods? - What if we get lost? - Please.
One time I tracked a Chechen paratrooper 50 miles through the Afghan desert.
Son of a bitch stole my iPod.
There was a lot of Springsteen on there.
You need that as a solider.
Well, what about the Clear Creek Butcher? First time I heard about him, I was on a Boy Scout camping trip.
I earned my merit badge in peeing my pants.
Had to con another Scout master to take care of the kids.
Now, look, the Butcher is just a myth made up to scare horny teens, all right? Besides, those dopes didn't get far.
You know they're just out there, you know, they're just Drinking a milkshake.
[LAUGHS.]
- No - Using a dog whistle.
Don't tell me.
I'm good at this.
Eating a tiny, fancy cookie.
Uh, playing the world's smallest harmonica.
Complimenting an Italian chef.
SHOEMAKER: Can you believe that hiker just leaving us out here in the middle of nowhere? He's just an angry dude, you know? With that certain poison out in the world, expect for it not to bite you in the ass.
- Right.
- I just want to carve my initials into a few more trees and get the hell out of here.
I mean, we, like, let him into our - Oh, great! - Oh, hell no.
- Just great.
No.
- Not happening.
- Eww.
- That's the last thing I need is shit on my dope boots.
- There is a bit.
- No, sir.
So, you'd rather walk through the woods barefoot than get shit on your work boots? They're brand new, and they're not for working.
Well, then, what are they for? They're for looking dope.
Oh.
Well, so now you look like a hobbit.
- 100%.
- Oh, you mean like an unlikely hero that everyone loves, spawns his own trilogy? Yeah, I do look like a hobbit.
Thank you.
Ow.
BILLY: I think she was saying that you have hairy toes.
I have lovely toes, okay? I get complimented on them often.
Really? People compliment you on your toes? Yes, Jade's clients see them beneath the closet door and they compliment.
[CROW CAWING.]
Oh, is it making balloon animals? Hmm? I told you 40 minutes ago! It's smoking pot! Oh, I'm still guessing! Ah.
That's it for the water.
Worst comes to worst, we drink our own piss.
Hm.
- Hmm? - Well, we won't have to, though, 'cause we just stumbled on Loren's candy-ass boot prints.
We'll find those guys in no time.
And when we do, oh, I swear to Go I mean, like, six days we do it! And you'd strain it through a sock.
Gross, a sock? [CHUCKLES.]
There's a clear creek 20 feet behind us.
What?! Why didn't you tell me? We just crossed it.
You stumbled on every rock.
It's literally what everything here is named after! - Ohh.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
They really should call it Clear Water Creek.
Avoid a lot of confusion.
Ooh, 2 minutes to kill, 30 minutes to dig the grave, 10 minutes to cover it up.
Nobody would blame me even if they found the body.
Rod? I'm waiting on you.
See, Frodo, while a hero all his own, was actually a descendant of Bilbo, so that's yet another reason why calling me Bilbo is a terrible dis.
Whoa.
Well, there's nothing creepy about this.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Knock? Hello? LOREN: Let's go in.
We'll all go in together.
Hello? Ah! Watch yourself.
Sorry, sorry.
Just had to - It's okay.
No one's home.
- It just had to happen.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Gross.
Are those bear traps? Oh, my God, you guys.
Somebody was just here.
Whoever it was, he left his hatchet.
My God.
You mistook a hatchet for an axe again.
Okay, they are the same thing.
How is that even close to the same thing? Guys, guys, maybe this is the Clear Creek Butcher's cabin.
No, why would you even joke about that? - It's not that.
- Come on.
Oh, now who's scared? [WOOD CREAKING.]
[DOOR BANGING.]
Um, I am.
Oh, there's something wrong in these woods.
It's a stink that I thought I left far, far behind me.
But here I am, 'cause I have great cardio.
I meant death! But you're a close second.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Welcome to the woods, dumbasses.
- Dumbasses.
- Oh! His tracks just vanish.
That's not good.
[GASPS.]
Butterfly! [CRASH.]
Whoa whoa! [RUSTLING, BANGS.]
Oh, what did you do? Stab yourself with a dandelion? - God.
- Rod Rod is this real? Or is this a bad dream from took much ice cream before bed? Holy shit! The Clear Creek Butcher is real! [SCREAMING.]
[PANTING.]
Help! Heeeeeel Shush! Shush.
You're quiet.
You're quiet.
The Butcher's out here.
You want to reveal our position? I want to go home.
I want to go home! Yeah, me too, all right, but now we're totally lost after your little trounce through the woods.
I thought you could track somebody through, like, 50 miles of desert! The sand, it's just footprints.
- Oh.
- This is the woods twigs and stuff.
Well, great, so we're gonna die.
- We're gonna die! - Listen, listen, listen.
I need a man right now, not a liability.
Which one are you gonna be? Can I think about it? [NECK CRACKS.]
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo Fine, a man, geez Louise.
All right, listen.
Just shut up and listen.
All right, we're gonna be all right.
Okay? We're gonna improvise.
We're gonna adapt.
We're gonna overcome.
Okay, first thing's first Camouflage.
We need to blend into these woods at a moment's notice.
Got to gather up plants and leaves for our disguise.
I'm gonna be a robot.
Ohh, ho, ho, ho you got it.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
You got it.
Thank you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
Oh, pine nuts.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Awwww! Oh, my God! What did you do?! - Oh, my God! - What is wrong with you?! - [SCREAMS.]
- Who are you people? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Don't come any nearer! I will kill your face! - Get out! - You get away from me! I live here.
My name's Howard.
Put that thing down, and we can help your friend.
I not gonna set it down.
No, I'll club your face off.
- I'll cut your face.
- Ooh, ooh, okay.
Put it down.
- What did you do, Shoemaker? - I didn't mean to do it.
You chopped my damn toe off! What kind of reaction was that? I don't know.
I let you I must say, that's a blue-ribbon cut.
Did he chop that with a hatchet or an axe? - Oh, no, that's an axe.
- I told you! Oh, that makes it even worse! Would you mind handing me that first-aid kit there? ABBEY: All right, okay.
I think there might be a pop of morphine in there.
[PANTING.]
Good.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have any morphine.
[CRYING.]
Come on Oh, too bad you weren't wearing your mister tough guy work boots.
Well, I wanted to keep them clean, you know? - Oh, yeah, so they'll look cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you get it.
What? You look like Thanksgiving at an elementary school.
Rod, where are you?! Shh, I'm right here, dipshit.
Rod, I can hear you, but I can't see you! Oh.
Ooh! Rod! It's the forest! It's attacking! It's killing people! [SCREAMING.]
Shut up.
Shut up! It's me! Let's find a way out of here before I kill you! Whoa.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
This is great! If anybody sees us, they'll just think a bush is taking some flowers for a walk.
That's just great, Shoemaker.
There goes my career at Real Madrid.
- Thanks a lot.
- I said I was sorry! I mean, how much longer are you gonna harp on this? It happened 10 minutes ago.
I'm gonna draw on this for six months, probably a year.
Oh, you would.
What do you think is in that shed? - [DOOR SLAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Ahh! God, Jesus.
Uh, the sun's gonna be setting soon, and there's no way you're gonna make it back to the world by nightfall.
You're more than welcome to stay here at the cabin.
I'm about ready to go out and set a fire.
No! I mean, thank you.
No, thank you.
We really appreciate the offer, but if you could just point us in the direction to home, and we'll just get walking.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, no.
No one should be out there bumbling in the woods at night.
No, no, no.
Hey, Howard, um What do you keep in that shed? Christmas decorations.
Never mind.
Let's go sit by the fire.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
He really should say "holiday decorations.
" [CROW CAWING.]
ROD: Looks like we're spending the night.
Plan "B," fortify our position with traps.
[GASPS.]
Like the Ewoks in "Return of the Jedi"? [LAUGHS.]
I was thinking more like "Predator," but Wow This may just end up being the best day ever.
I'm coming in for a hug.
I can't help it.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
All right.
That should give us some defense throughout the night.
Let's try and get some shut-eye.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Ah! Thanks again for bandaging me up earlier.
- I really appreciate it.
- Oh, no problem.
I bought the bandages in bulk.
So, um what are you doing out here anyway? - Are you the Clear Creek Bu? - Abbey! What are you Come on.
Hermit? Are you the Clear Creek Hermit? Hermit is a hateful word.
Only other hermits ought to be able to drop the "H" bomb.
I personally prefer woodsman.
Like that pedophile movie with the guy from "Footloose"? You mean the guy from "Footloose" diddled little children? - No, not the actor.
- Oh, man.
That town was right.
Dancing is a gateway drug.
Yeah.
Uh, Ho How does one go about living off the grid, because it's an idea that I've been toying with for myself.
- Sure.
- Actually, she just means she doesn't want to pay her electric bill anymore.
- Okay.
- It's true.
I'll tell ya.
20 years ago, I was a teacher at a dumpy high school.
- That's what we are.
- Yeah.
Wow, that's crazy.
Except Abbey.
She's a crappy librarian.
- Oh, that's a wonderful career choice.
- Thank you.
If it's 1875.
[LAUGHS.]
Check out the dunk from Howard.
- Boom! - Gotcha! It's not that great of a dunk.
You know, one day I just snapped.
I didn't want to be part of society anymore.
So I came up here.
I liked it.
You know, it's quiet, and I've learned to become my own best friend with benefits! Hell yeah, dude.
You know, there is an urban legend about you where you kill people with an axe.
Oh, my God, what are you doing? - No.
- They They told me.
- They told me.
- See, we meant you kill open-mic crowds with axe-based material, which everyone loves.
People are the worst.
Humans all they do is lie and litter.
They come up here to my woods, and then they take their knives and they carve their initials into trees.
Hey.
What are you guy's initials? All right, this has been fun, but I I'm gonna turn in, you know? - [YAWNS.]
- Having your toe chopped off really takes it out of you.
Yeah, and me too, 'cause chopping somebody's toe off, just you know, I'm bushed.
I'm, uh, I had to watch.
- It's exhausting.
- We should go.
Take the bed.
Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, but where are you gonna sleep? D-Don't worry about me.
I don't sleep much at night.
I'm usually pretty busy out here doing stuff.
[SNORING.]
Oh, 'lilah You were so warm last night.
[THUMPING IN DISTANCE.]
[WHISPERING.]
Fairbell.
Wake up.
[WHISPERING.]
I just had a dream somebody was pushing a broom handle into my back.
[LAUGHS.]
Just shut up.
Somebody's out there.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
[GASPS.]
The Clear Creek But Let's go.
[BOTH GROANING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Sick bastard was probably taking a trophy.
Oh he just made the biggest mistake of his soon-to-be-ended-by-me life.
Not going to the trophy store? What? No! He left tracks! God damn it! Oh, let's go.
Sun's coming up.
[GRUNTS.]
[SNORING.]
Oh, God, that's it.
Oh, God, please take her.
Please take her life.
Please take her life.
I mean, why not take her? She's had a good life.
An okay life.
[GASPS, COUGHING, SNORING CONTINUES.]
Oh, my God! My God! That's it.
I'm done.
I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna take a piss.
- Don't leave me with her.
- I'll do you a solid.
[SLAMS DOOR.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my [GRUNTS.]
Good morning.
How did you sleep? Like a log.
Which is surprising 'cause I didn't have my CPAP machine.
How'd you sleep? Slept terribly! - Why? - Why? 'Cause you died, like, 25 times last night.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Jesus! - Sorry I startled ya.
I was getting ready to chop more wood, and I was thinking, there was something I needed to come clean with you folks about yesterday.
But it was so much fun to have, like, real people around Huh? That's weird.
I remember planting those flowers, but I do not remember that bush.
Weird.
[URINATING.]
Not gonna make Real Madrid.
Probably won't even make Atlético Madrid.
There goes my retirement plan.
[SCREAMS.]
God, I peed on my boots! You know what? Howard is an okay guy, huh? Yeah, probably.
I mean, if he was gonna kill us, he probably would've killed us last night.
- Oh, my - [PANTING.]
- Rod? - What the hell are you doing here? So you know this creep? - You know this creep? - He was trying to ambush me! Oh, I thought you people were different.
W-W-W-Wait.
Serves me right to go against my code to never trust Oh! - Oh, nice! - I rescued you guys! From what? He was just an eccentric old hermit! Yeah, you guys are a bunch of anti-hermites! What, no! He's the Clear Creek Butcher! Oh, Rod, if you had gotten to know Howard - Howard?! - like we did - Howard?! - you would know he was great.
- You guys are just spooked by a - Holy shit, you guys! I just pissed on a human skull, right out there! See? How about that? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SIGHS.]
Maybe we should take a look at that shed.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
I knew you wouldn't understand.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ABBEY SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
You're gonna pay! [ALL SCREAMING.]
[HOWLS.]
It's the traps! That one was all me.
[GROANS.]
ANNOUNCER: Here we are at the final race of the day, where Smoot senior Abasi Mwangi is on pace not to only win the state championship, but shatter the state record by a few precious seconds.
Smoot High has him listed as a 17-year-old, but I predict that there will be a formal inquiry into the student's age.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Run, run, run! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Yes, come here! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win! [CROWD AWS.]
No.
No! Stop! Stooop! Somebody help! Somebody! Hey! Now you bastards are gonna pay! He's the Clear Creek Butcher! I saw the bodies! No, it's true.
I pissed on one of those bodies.
Hold it! [CROWD GASPING.]
Get back, get back, back up! This is all just a misunderstanding, right? Misunderstanding? You said we were gonna pay.
You said we were all gonna pay.
A trespassing fine.
You're holding an axe! Oh, okay.
Look, I live and work at the Colorado State Criminal Science Cadaver site.
See, we leave bodies out so they can naturally decompose so we can study them.
It's forensic science stuff.
What, b-b-b-but that's not true, because I have seen every episode of "SVU," and there is nothing You idiot! He's not lying! Read that sign right there.
Read it! - Science site! - [ALL OHH.]
Well, they could've used a bigger font.
Come on.
I mean, who reads signs when they're going into the woods? Dorks.
I can't believe that you idiots figured out a way to ruin this for me today.
For us, for us! For me and Abasi! For us! Get him Clear him a path! Get him an ice pack! He still got third place.
Yeah, third place looks exactly like gold.
I'm fooled all the time.
You're a bunch of real fuck heads.
Well [GRUNTS.]
I guess this is goodbye, then.
It was nice having company while it lasted.
- Take care.
- Bye.
- Now I feel bad.
- Aww, he's such a sweetie, yeah.
Oh, God damn it! My toe nub fell out! My toe nub! I'm a freak! Help me find it.
We can still find it.
[GROANING.]
Cadaver farm, I mean Help me find it, guys! There's got to be thousands of toes in there.
- [SIGHS.]
- You guys want to ride with me? [PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
You know, that was a little too close for comfort.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Well, you should've been at work, you dirty hippie.
[CRIES.]
- [STRAINING.]
I can see that hernia just hulking out of your pants.
You're gonna drop the transmission, buddy.
Maybe take a break? Oh! Oof.
It's harder than it looks.
All right, once you get my tables set up, I want a stack a water per table, got it? I think even you idiots can handle that.
You know, you could try being polite to your volunteers.
Polite? To you guys? The gang who clamored to get out of school early today? So noble of you.
Thank you so much.
Well, why are we even doing this today? The race isn't until tomorrow.
Because I don't want you guys anywhere near this thing tomorrow, got it? I worked my ass off for 11 years for this big dance.
Don't you mean you, uh, waited your ass off for 11 years until Smoot got an Kenyan exchange student? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah, I was blessed by the cross-country gods this year.
So sue me.
Now if you'd excuse me, Abasi and I gonna hit up an Olive Garden for all-you-can-eat breadsticks, okay? I'm gonna carbo-stuff that kid like a foie gras goose, baby! Easy on those things.
And again I don't want any of you at this thing tomorrow.
Do you got it? - [SCOFFS.]
- Oh, boo hoo.
I can't spend my Saturday watching teenagers prance around the woods.
Listen, I want to go home tonight, all right, so how about less yakking, more stacking.
You got it, Rod.
And cool rhyme, man.
Dude, that was super awesome.
So, hang out in the woods while Rod and Fairbell do all the work? - Duh.
- Duh.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
We were just slowing them down anyway.
Let's just go far enough to be out of earshot.
Yeah.
Good luck finding us, idiots.
[LAUGHS.]
Man, these woods are kind of spooky.
Yeah.
You could totally see how a legend like the Clear Creek Butcher could get started out here, huh? Wait, what? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
I can't believe you've never heard of the Clear Creek Butcher.
Legend has it some teacher went nuts way back when, moved out into these woods to live like a hermit.
Yeah, yeah.
And then all kinds of people started going missing.
- Yeah.
- Hikers and campers and other annoying Colorado stereotypes.
Oh, like this choche.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, ski poles.
Hey, there.
Excuse me.
I got a little turned around.
Do you know where the Mount Falcon trailhead is? Oh, yeah, man.
Cool jacket.
That's cool.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey, what you're gonna want to do is just walk down this trail.
That'll intersect with "It's 2:00 on a Friday afternoon why aren't you at work" Road, and that should actually intersect with "Get a job you dirty hippie" Avenue, which should take you right to "Out of my Face.
" Super unhelpful, dude.
Dildo.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey, nice work on that one.
- Yeah.
Anyway, legend has it that the Clear Creek Butcher uses a hatchet to chop up his victims.
Right into their skull.
Yeah.
That sounds like bullshit.
It's because it is, Abbey.
Everyone knows that he uses an axe.
Yeah.
Axe is the exact same thing as a hatchet.
What? You're out of your mind.
- I'm out of my mind? - Yeah, you're crazy.
- They're the same thing.
- No, it is not.
That's like saying that a sweet potato is the same as a yam.
A sweet potato is the same thing as a yam.
- No way.
- Okay, whatever! You don't know dick about sweet potatoes, bro.
Oh, my God.
The legend is nonsense.
Is it? Or is just that you're scared [LAUGH EVILLY.]
- of these spooky woods? - I'm not scared.
You're scared of the scary woods.
I happen to find the woods very peaceful.
[INSECT BUZZING.]
[COUGHS.]
[GAGS, CHOKING.]
I-I'd love to help, but I have a thing about drinking after people.
Oh, Christ Almighty, Abbey.
- Just swallow it.
It's just a gn - [INSECTS BUZZING.]
Oh, my God! That one went in my eye.
Oh, my God, there's so many freaking bugs.
Ugh.
I hate the woods.
Yeah, me too.
- Let's just get out of here.
- Yeah.
I don't want to get my dope new Red Wings dirty anyway.
- All right.
Follow me.
- It's right over this way.
- It's right this way.
- No, what are you doing? - It's over this way.
- I recognize that tree.
You recognize that tree? Yeah, we passed it earlier.
It's, like, sort of, like this and then it has a branch going like this.
Oh, that's just great.
She got us lost.
Perfect.
- Well, that's all right.
- Perfect.
Thanks, Abbey.
I'll call Coach Peters and tell him to bring the va - [CELLPHONE BEEPING.]
- I don't have any reception.
- What? - Do you have service? Dude, I've got nothing.
- Oh, my God.
- Damn it! Okay, we have no reception, and we're lost in the woods.
- Okay.
- All right, now I'm freaking out.
- Chill.
- Okay, okay, no.
Don't panic, you guys.
Calm down.
We're gonna get out of here.
- Just follow me.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
You have to just stay put when you get lost in the woods.
That's the first rule Stay put.
No, no, no, no, that's stay put is what you do if you see a bear.
You turtle up, okay, cover the eyes and the gennies.
They like the soft stuff.
No, no, no, when you see a bear, you grab its cub and then you run.
- That's Woods 101.
- Whoa! You never separate a mama bear from its cub.
Are you kidding me? You take the cub, and that's how you have a bargaining chip for later.
- Bargaining chip? - No.
For a guy who wears so many flannel shirts, - you really know dick shit about woods.
- Oh, really? For a woman who recognizes trees, you got us lost.
- I did not get us lost.
- You 100% got us lost.
- Why are you talking about this - Guys, shut up, all right? We're losing daylight real fast.
We'll just go in this direction.
It's the only direction that none of us chose.
You'd never get cast as Take that back! No.
[GRUNTS.]
Done, no thanks to those jagoffs.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, at least we got a little man-on-man man time.
- Put her there.
- I mean, not only did they not help, but they disappeared completely and they're our ride.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh, great, no service.
Looks like we got to go find them.
You want to go into the woods? - What if we get lost? - Please.
One time I tracked a Chechen paratrooper 50 miles through the Afghan desert.
Son of a bitch stole my iPod.
There was a lot of Springsteen on there.
You need that as a solider.
Well, what about the Clear Creek Butcher? First time I heard about him, I was on a Boy Scout camping trip.
I earned my merit badge in peeing my pants.
Had to con another Scout master to take care of the kids.
Now, look, the Butcher is just a myth made up to scare horny teens, all right? Besides, those dopes didn't get far.
You know they're just out there, you know, they're just Drinking a milkshake.
[LAUGHS.]
- No - Using a dog whistle.
Don't tell me.
I'm good at this.
Eating a tiny, fancy cookie.
Uh, playing the world's smallest harmonica.
Complimenting an Italian chef.
SHOEMAKER: Can you believe that hiker just leaving us out here in the middle of nowhere? He's just an angry dude, you know? With that certain poison out in the world, expect for it not to bite you in the ass.
- Right.
- I just want to carve my initials into a few more trees and get the hell out of here.
I mean, we, like, let him into our - Oh, great! - Oh, hell no.
- Just great.
No.
- Not happening.
- Eww.
- That's the last thing I need is shit on my dope boots.
- There is a bit.
- No, sir.
So, you'd rather walk through the woods barefoot than get shit on your work boots? They're brand new, and they're not for working.
Well, then, what are they for? They're for looking dope.
Oh.
Well, so now you look like a hobbit.
- 100%.
- Oh, you mean like an unlikely hero that everyone loves, spawns his own trilogy? Yeah, I do look like a hobbit.
Thank you.
Ow.
BILLY: I think she was saying that you have hairy toes.
I have lovely toes, okay? I get complimented on them often.
Really? People compliment you on your toes? Yes, Jade's clients see them beneath the closet door and they compliment.
[CROW CAWING.]
Oh, is it making balloon animals? Hmm? I told you 40 minutes ago! It's smoking pot! Oh, I'm still guessing! Ah.
That's it for the water.
Worst comes to worst, we drink our own piss.
Hm.
- Hmm? - Well, we won't have to, though, 'cause we just stumbled on Loren's candy-ass boot prints.
We'll find those guys in no time.
And when we do, oh, I swear to Go I mean, like, six days we do it! And you'd strain it through a sock.
Gross, a sock? [CHUCKLES.]
There's a clear creek 20 feet behind us.
What?! Why didn't you tell me? We just crossed it.
You stumbled on every rock.
It's literally what everything here is named after! - Ohh.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
They really should call it Clear Water Creek.
Avoid a lot of confusion.
Ooh, 2 minutes to kill, 30 minutes to dig the grave, 10 minutes to cover it up.
Nobody would blame me even if they found the body.
Rod? I'm waiting on you.
See, Frodo, while a hero all his own, was actually a descendant of Bilbo, so that's yet another reason why calling me Bilbo is a terrible dis.
Whoa.
Well, there's nothing creepy about this.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Knock? Hello? LOREN: Let's go in.
We'll all go in together.
Hello? Ah! Watch yourself.
Sorry, sorry.
Just had to - It's okay.
No one's home.
- It just had to happen.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Gross.
Are those bear traps? Oh, my God, you guys.
Somebody was just here.
Whoever it was, he left his hatchet.
My God.
You mistook a hatchet for an axe again.
Okay, they are the same thing.
How is that even close to the same thing? Guys, guys, maybe this is the Clear Creek Butcher's cabin.
No, why would you even joke about that? - It's not that.
- Come on.
Oh, now who's scared? [WOOD CREAKING.]
[DOOR BANGING.]
Um, I am.
Oh, there's something wrong in these woods.
It's a stink that I thought I left far, far behind me.
But here I am, 'cause I have great cardio.
I meant death! But you're a close second.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Welcome to the woods, dumbasses.
- Dumbasses.
- Oh! His tracks just vanish.
That's not good.
[GASPS.]
Butterfly! [CRASH.]
Whoa whoa! [RUSTLING, BANGS.]
Oh, what did you do? Stab yourself with a dandelion? - God.
- Rod Rod is this real? Or is this a bad dream from took much ice cream before bed? Holy shit! The Clear Creek Butcher is real! [SCREAMING.]
[PANTING.]
Help! Heeeeeel Shush! Shush.
You're quiet.
You're quiet.
The Butcher's out here.
You want to reveal our position? I want to go home.
I want to go home! Yeah, me too, all right, but now we're totally lost after your little trounce through the woods.
I thought you could track somebody through, like, 50 miles of desert! The sand, it's just footprints.
- Oh.
- This is the woods twigs and stuff.
Well, great, so we're gonna die.
- We're gonna die! - Listen, listen, listen.
I need a man right now, not a liability.
Which one are you gonna be? Can I think about it? [NECK CRACKS.]
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo Fine, a man, geez Louise.
All right, listen.
Just shut up and listen.
All right, we're gonna be all right.
Okay? We're gonna improvise.
We're gonna adapt.
We're gonna overcome.
Okay, first thing's first Camouflage.
We need to blend into these woods at a moment's notice.
Got to gather up plants and leaves for our disguise.
I'm gonna be a robot.
Ohh, ho, ho, ho you got it.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
You got it.
Thank you.
[DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
Oh, pine nuts.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Awwww! Oh, my God! What did you do?! - Oh, my God! - What is wrong with you?! - [SCREAMS.]
- Who are you people? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Don't come any nearer! I will kill your face! - Get out! - You get away from me! I live here.
My name's Howard.
Put that thing down, and we can help your friend.
I not gonna set it down.
No, I'll club your face off.
- I'll cut your face.
- Ooh, ooh, okay.
Put it down.
- What did you do, Shoemaker? - I didn't mean to do it.
You chopped my damn toe off! What kind of reaction was that? I don't know.
I let you I must say, that's a blue-ribbon cut.
Did he chop that with a hatchet or an axe? - Oh, no, that's an axe.
- I told you! Oh, that makes it even worse! Would you mind handing me that first-aid kit there? ABBEY: All right, okay.
I think there might be a pop of morphine in there.
[PANTING.]
Good.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have any morphine.
[CRYING.]
Come on Oh, too bad you weren't wearing your mister tough guy work boots.
Well, I wanted to keep them clean, you know? - Oh, yeah, so they'll look cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you get it.
What? You look like Thanksgiving at an elementary school.
Rod, where are you?! Shh, I'm right here, dipshit.
Rod, I can hear you, but I can't see you! Oh.
Ooh! Rod! It's the forest! It's attacking! It's killing people! [SCREAMING.]
Shut up.
Shut up! It's me! Let's find a way out of here before I kill you! Whoa.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
This is great! If anybody sees us, they'll just think a bush is taking some flowers for a walk.
That's just great, Shoemaker.
There goes my career at Real Madrid.
- Thanks a lot.
- I said I was sorry! I mean, how much longer are you gonna harp on this? It happened 10 minutes ago.
I'm gonna draw on this for six months, probably a year.
Oh, you would.
What do you think is in that shed? - [DOOR SLAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Ahh! God, Jesus.
Uh, the sun's gonna be setting soon, and there's no way you're gonna make it back to the world by nightfall.
You're more than welcome to stay here at the cabin.
I'm about ready to go out and set a fire.
No! I mean, thank you.
No, thank you.
We really appreciate the offer, but if you could just point us in the direction to home, and we'll just get walking.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, no.
No one should be out there bumbling in the woods at night.
No, no, no.
Hey, Howard, um What do you keep in that shed? Christmas decorations.
Never mind.
Let's go sit by the fire.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
He really should say "holiday decorations.
" [CROW CAWING.]
ROD: Looks like we're spending the night.
Plan "B," fortify our position with traps.
[GASPS.]
Like the Ewoks in "Return of the Jedi"? [LAUGHS.]
I was thinking more like "Predator," but Wow This may just end up being the best day ever.
I'm coming in for a hug.
I can't help it.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
All right.
That should give us some defense throughout the night.
Let's try and get some shut-eye.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Ah! Thanks again for bandaging me up earlier.
- I really appreciate it.
- Oh, no problem.
I bought the bandages in bulk.
So, um what are you doing out here anyway? - Are you the Clear Creek Bu? - Abbey! What are you Come on.
Hermit? Are you the Clear Creek Hermit? Hermit is a hateful word.
Only other hermits ought to be able to drop the "H" bomb.
I personally prefer woodsman.
Like that pedophile movie with the guy from "Footloose"? You mean the guy from "Footloose" diddled little children? - No, not the actor.
- Oh, man.
That town was right.
Dancing is a gateway drug.
Yeah.
Uh, Ho How does one go about living off the grid, because it's an idea that I've been toying with for myself.
- Sure.
- Actually, she just means she doesn't want to pay her electric bill anymore.
- Okay.
- It's true.
I'll tell ya.
20 years ago, I was a teacher at a dumpy high school.
- That's what we are.
- Yeah.
Wow, that's crazy.
Except Abbey.
She's a crappy librarian.
- Oh, that's a wonderful career choice.
- Thank you.
If it's 1875.
[LAUGHS.]
Check out the dunk from Howard.
- Boom! - Gotcha! It's not that great of a dunk.
You know, one day I just snapped.
I didn't want to be part of society anymore.
So I came up here.
I liked it.
You know, it's quiet, and I've learned to become my own best friend with benefits! Hell yeah, dude.
You know, there is an urban legend about you where you kill people with an axe.
Oh, my God, what are you doing? - No.
- They They told me.
- They told me.
- See, we meant you kill open-mic crowds with axe-based material, which everyone loves.
People are the worst.
Humans all they do is lie and litter.
They come up here to my woods, and then they take their knives and they carve their initials into trees.
Hey.
What are you guy's initials? All right, this has been fun, but I I'm gonna turn in, you know? - [YAWNS.]
- Having your toe chopped off really takes it out of you.
Yeah, and me too, 'cause chopping somebody's toe off, just you know, I'm bushed.
I'm, uh, I had to watch.
- It's exhausting.
- We should go.
Take the bed.
Mi casa es su casa.
Oh, but where are you gonna sleep? D-Don't worry about me.
I don't sleep much at night.
I'm usually pretty busy out here doing stuff.
[SNORING.]
Oh, 'lilah You were so warm last night.
[THUMPING IN DISTANCE.]
[WHISPERING.]
Fairbell.
Wake up.
[WHISPERING.]
I just had a dream somebody was pushing a broom handle into my back.
[LAUGHS.]
Just shut up.
Somebody's out there.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
[GASPS.]
The Clear Creek But Let's go.
[BOTH GROANING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Sick bastard was probably taking a trophy.
Oh he just made the biggest mistake of his soon-to-be-ended-by-me life.
Not going to the trophy store? What? No! He left tracks! God damn it! Oh, let's go.
Sun's coming up.
[GRUNTS.]
[SNORING.]
Oh, God, that's it.
Oh, God, please take her.
Please take her life.
Please take her life.
I mean, why not take her? She's had a good life.
An okay life.
[GASPS, COUGHING, SNORING CONTINUES.]
Oh, my God! My God! That's it.
I'm done.
I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna take a piss.
- Don't leave me with her.
- I'll do you a solid.
[SLAMS DOOR.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my [GRUNTS.]
Good morning.
How did you sleep? Like a log.
Which is surprising 'cause I didn't have my CPAP machine.
How'd you sleep? Slept terribly! - Why? - Why? 'Cause you died, like, 25 times last night.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Jesus! - Sorry I startled ya.
I was getting ready to chop more wood, and I was thinking, there was something I needed to come clean with you folks about yesterday.
But it was so much fun to have, like, real people around Huh? That's weird.
I remember planting those flowers, but I do not remember that bush.
Weird.
[URINATING.]
Not gonna make Real Madrid.
Probably won't even make Atlético Madrid.
There goes my retirement plan.
[SCREAMS.]
God, I peed on my boots! You know what? Howard is an okay guy, huh? Yeah, probably.
I mean, if he was gonna kill us, he probably would've killed us last night.
- Oh, my - [PANTING.]
- Rod? - What the hell are you doing here? So you know this creep? - You know this creep? - He was trying to ambush me! Oh, I thought you people were different.
W-W-W-Wait.
Serves me right to go against my code to never trust Oh! - Oh, nice! - I rescued you guys! From what? He was just an eccentric old hermit! Yeah, you guys are a bunch of anti-hermites! What, no! He's the Clear Creek Butcher! Oh, Rod, if you had gotten to know Howard - Howard?! - like we did - Howard?! - you would know he was great.
- You guys are just spooked by a - Holy shit, you guys! I just pissed on a human skull, right out there! See? How about that? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[SIGHS.]
Maybe we should take a look at that shed.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
I knew you wouldn't understand.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ABBEY SCREAMS.]
[GROANS.]
You're gonna pay! [ALL SCREAMING.]
[HOWLS.]
It's the traps! That one was all me.
[GROANS.]
ANNOUNCER: Here we are at the final race of the day, where Smoot senior Abasi Mwangi is on pace not to only win the state championship, but shatter the state record by a few precious seconds.
Smoot High has him listed as a 17-year-old, but I predict that there will be a formal inquiry into the student's age.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Run, run, run! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Yes, come here! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna win! [CROWD AWS.]
No.
No! Stop! Stooop! Somebody help! Somebody! Hey! Now you bastards are gonna pay! He's the Clear Creek Butcher! I saw the bodies! No, it's true.
I pissed on one of those bodies.
Hold it! [CROWD GASPING.]
Get back, get back, back up! This is all just a misunderstanding, right? Misunderstanding? You said we were gonna pay.
You said we were all gonna pay.
A trespassing fine.
You're holding an axe! Oh, okay.
Look, I live and work at the Colorado State Criminal Science Cadaver site.
See, we leave bodies out so they can naturally decompose so we can study them.
It's forensic science stuff.
What, b-b-b-but that's not true, because I have seen every episode of "SVU," and there is nothing You idiot! He's not lying! Read that sign right there.
Read it! - Science site! - [ALL OHH.]
Well, they could've used a bigger font.
Come on.
I mean, who reads signs when they're going into the woods? Dorks.
I can't believe that you idiots figured out a way to ruin this for me today.
For us, for us! For me and Abasi! For us! Get him Clear him a path! Get him an ice pack! He still got third place.
Yeah, third place looks exactly like gold.
I'm fooled all the time.
You're a bunch of real fuck heads.
Well [GRUNTS.]
I guess this is goodbye, then.
It was nice having company while it lasted.
- Take care.
- Bye.
- Now I feel bad.
- Aww, he's such a sweetie, yeah.
Oh, God damn it! My toe nub fell out! My toe nub! I'm a freak! Help me find it.
We can still find it.
[GROANING.]
Cadaver farm, I mean Help me find it, guys! There's got to be thousands of toes in there.
- [SIGHS.]
- You guys want to ride with me? [PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
You know, that was a little too close for comfort.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Well, you should've been at work, you dirty hippie.
[CRIES.]