Tripping the Rift s03e08 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (vacuum whirring) (hairdryer whirring) (alarm wails) Now that's what I'm talking about.
Weren't you supposed to take a left back there at the supernova? Get off my back, Six.
I know where I'm going.
If that's the case, why did you just ask me - if this quadrant looked familiar? - I was testing your memory.
I think maybe you're coming down with Alzheimer's.
It's you who's losing his mind.
Cyborgs can't get diseases.
Yeah, well, maybe your batteries are running low.
(growls) You're impossible! Club Mediocre? What's going on? I thought you said you were taking us to Club Med.
I got a deal.
Club Mediocre is supposed to be just as good.
What part of the name convinced you of that? - I can turn this ship around.
- Yeah.
- You'd probably run over the sidewalk.
- Stay out of this! You just don't wanna put up the money for the vacation you promised us.
- Shut up.
- Stop it, you two.
You're acting like an old married couple.
If we're an old married couple, then from now on sex will be limited to anniversaries.
If that's a threat, you've grossly underestimated my ability to go without.
Gus, I think I overestimated my ability to go without.
Pull yourself together, man.
It's only been three minutes.
You'd think you were hooked on crack.
Crack, ass, whatever I gotta get some.
You got some? I gotta get some.
- You gotta help me.
- This seems like a logical answer - to your problem.
- Huh? I don't care what the rest of the crew says, you are good for something.
Bob, stop the ship.
I don't see why I have to tag along.
I want you to fly the shuttle.
The way the others are acting, I can't trust them with the transporter.
They'd most likely phase me up blotasaurus's ass.
Then what makes you think they won't take off and leave us? Because I took out a little insurance policy.
Bob, what happened? Why did we stop? So El Capitàn can catch some snatch.
The guys went to a strip club and they didn't take me? I say we turn the ship around, head to the real Club Med and start our vacation without them.
Yeah, and on the way, we can hit Jack Hammer's.
I've got enough credits on my frequent desire card to get us in free, plus an upgrade to first ass! Uhm, you've got a little problem.
Actually, sounds like she has a big problem.
No, I'm talking about the tractor beam coming right at us.
That can't be good.
Bob, get us out of here.
Well, I'd love to, but I'm pretty much paralyzed.
Before he left, Chode put a Club on the ignition.
About all I can do is talk and expel waste.
I guess that makes me Dr.
Phil.
Chode, we need you back here immediately.
Why, did I forget to take the garbage out? Get your fat ass back here with the key to the lock now! Seriously, Uncle Chode, we're under attack.
- (static crackling) - Chode: Under a yak, what? I can't hear you.
The transmission is breaking up.
Six: Stop playing games, Chode.
No, really, the transmission is breaking up.
When I my hands on you I'm rip you a new hole.
Are we lucky or what? I couldn't have planned that any better myself.
Bob, shields up, 100%.
May I go on record in saying May I go on record in saying if you don't do as we say, I'll stick my foot up your ass?! Raising shields 100%.
(both screaming) Hello, Bob, can you hear me? Hello.
(sighs) Nothing.
It must have been damaged when we landed.
Do you have your communicator? No, you? No.
I left it on my nightstand.
What kind of idiot leaves a ship without his communicator? Don't rag on me, Chode.
It looks like I'm not the only one who could use a little R&R.
Can anyone say "Xanadu"? Let's say we Xana-don't and go back to the ship.
Are you kidding? We just got here.
- (woman moaning) - The all-you-can-eat stripper bar.
You can't accuse them of false advertising.
I think I'll try a little of each first then come back for sloppy seconds.
How about you? I'm, um, on a diet.
What on Pyridia is that for? So you don't get anybody else's germs.
How about a dental dam and a shot of penicillin? They should be over in the condiments section.
T'nuk: You sure the shields are at 100%? Of course (mutters) bitch.
Maybe we're worried for nothing.
It could just be a searchlight advertising the grand opening of an electronics store.
Everyone, we're gonna need someone to step up to the plate, take charge and smack Whip every time he says something stupid.
- Hold on, guys.
- (all scream) (samba music playing) Can you help a fellow out? I'm flat broke and in desperate need of a lap dance.
Well, consider this my random act of kindness for the day.
(humming) - Not from you, Mary.
- Name's Bill.
Offered the girls this in lieu of kronigs, but had no takers.
I'll sell it to you for 20 kronigs.
That should be enough to throw a little party in my pants.
- What is it? - They take you to the Champagne Room and do the old bump and grind on your crotch.
I was asking about the medallion, you horny toad.
I'm the only surviving member of my expedition.
We were searching for the treasure of the Pyridians.
It was stolen and hidden somewhere in the galaxy many centuries ago.
The key to this treasure is on this planet.
It not only reveals the treasure's location, but also allows access to it.
So where is this key? That's the problem.
No one knows, but this medallion will lead you to it.
But what kind of treasure are we talking about here? The finder would be so rich, his toilet paper would be made out of gold.
- Wouldn't that chafe? - If this can make you that wealthy, why are you sitting here bumming a 20 for a little tail-shaking? I said it would lead you to the key.
I said nothing about it protecting you from the danger that lurks along the way.
Mmm.
Head for the third sun on the right, due east.
And pray and hope that your prayers are answered.
Mine have been.
Well, I've had my fun.
(yawns) I hear my pillow calling my name.
That's not your pillow.
That's the gold talking.
Danger shmanger.
We can do this.
Am I going to have any success getting your mind off this treasure and getting you back aboard the ship? Have you ever noticed you're the color of gold? Bob: Uh, guys.
If we get this thing off, maybe we can blast our way out of here.
T'nuk, try biting it with those gnarly teeth of yours.
You could try cutting through it with that razor wit of yours.
People, focus.
This is not the time or place for your petty grievances.
- Both: Petty? - Hey, real people have feelings, you cyborg whore! Are you saying I'm not real? - Bob: Guys? Guys.
Guys! - (Six growls) Just thought you'd like to know, my sensors tell me the shields are now operating at only 70%.
I don't think this is due east.
Now you're sounding like Six.
What the hell does "due east" mean anyway? Ow! I swear that tree wasn't there a second ago.
One too many at the juice bar, huh, Gus? I only had one, and by the by, what kind of juice was that? You don't wanna know, Gussy boy.
You don't wanna know.
- Okay, what's going on? - (trees growling) I think I just rusted myself.
(screaming) This way! Six is right.
Your sense of direction sucks.
Stop your bitching.
Me they're gonna gnaw on like a buffalo wing.
You're lucky.
You're like aluminum foil.
They'll chew on you and spit you out! - How is that lucky? - Screw this.
Let's go for it.
Excuse me, Butch.
Sundance is afraid of (screaming) (laughs) You guys couldn't catch herpes in a whorehouse.
Oh, shit! - Whoa! - Now what? (screaming) I beg your pardon.
- (growls) - I think I felt it move.
It didn't move.
Just shut up already.
- No, that.
- What the hell? - (humming) - Maybe it's a lie detector.
It's some sort of crystal compass.
You sure it's not gaydar? (grunts) How you doing, Bob? Like a girl after prom: My defenses are wearing down and the dude's eventually gonna get his shaft inside.
Bob, reroute all ship resources to the shields.
We have to buy as much time as possible.
To do what? There must be another key to the Club, and we have to find it.
- (humming) - That guy Bill was a chickenshit.
Get past those monsters and it's Froot Loops time.
Follow your nose, baby.
Nothing to be afraid of.
And I suppose that's a Howard Johnson? Don't judge a book by its cover, Gus.
It could be like a Vegas theme hotel or something.
I don't remember an Apocalypto hotel on the strip.
(insect chitters) - (gasps) - (flies buzzing) (panting) Who did you say was a chickensh (screams) Oh! This place reminds me of one of those ancient ruins you'd see in the movies, where there'd be an epic battle between two ferocious monsters.
(monsters talking) I'm not going to keep playing if you keep throwing paper every time.
Then throw scissors.
- Then you'll do rock.
- Jeez, Walter! Just a freaking game.
Oh! - (chuckles nervously) - (monsters growling) Hey, he's got one highlighted about a naughty android nymphette that gets off on dressing up like Disney princesses.
(laughs) You think these letters are real? Of course they're not real.
Come on, Whip.
We're looking for a key, remember? (groans) Hmm? (laughs) (growling) Where the hell are we? I can't see a thing.
The last time I saw a blue flame like that was when Whip pulled his pants down, bent over and used my Zippo to light his holy crap! We're in the temple toilet.
That's it.
We've searched everywhere.
We're screwed.
There has to be a second key.
I can't hold on any longer.
I'm running out of power.
Okay okay, calm down.
I have a plan.
We hide under the floor in the smuggling bays, then when they find the ship is empty, we sneak out, disable the tractor beam and escape.
(laughing) Bob: Get off the pipe, dude.
- (shield reverberating) - (all scream) (humming) Please, let this be it.
(animal squeaks) Well, 3PO, you're the one with the Tranlang 4 Communicator Module combined with a Double A1 Verbo Brain.
- What the hell does it say? - That's just a golden-robot stereotype.
Can you read it or not? - Yes.
- Then read it.
- Out loud.
- It says "Push button for treasure.
" - (rumbling) - (whimpering) Hmm! Oh This has gotta be the next piece of the puzzle, right? Unless it's some sort of nuclear device.
Can you at least pretend the glass is half full? - Okay.
Now what? - What did Bill say? "Remember to pray.
" God, Lord - what should I pray for? - Duh! Treasure! I pray for lots of treasure, amen.
That's funny.
I could have sworn I've seen something like that before.
You have.
It's the same shape as the medallion, you idiot.
I know that.
I was just testing you.
(door clicks) - Huh.
- (both whimper) Man: Step forward, please.
Single file, no pushing.
What the hell's going on here? Please don't take your anger out on me.
I'm just a temp hired to provide slaves.
- Slaves? - Yes, Mr.
Big didn't want to get his hands dirty with the day-to-day.
Mr.
Big.
Is that just a nickname or is he really He's the brains behind this operation.
Aren't we losing the plot here? What about the treasure? Actually, we just need you for the discovery and recovery of the key that opens the vault containing the treasure.
It was lost in one of Pyridia's mines many moons ago.
(laughing) Yeah, okay, you got me.
This is really one of those stupid-ass Fox reality shows, isn't it? - Did we win? - Of course.
I mean, who would put one through their paces like this just to recruit slaves? (snaps fingers) Consider what you've been through today as kind of like getting into a good college good grades, your SATs, the applications, essays, personal interviews.
So in essence, you making it through is a huge compliment.
Let's hope your friends are equally capable.
- Friends? - Man: Your crew.
They should be here in a few hours.
See, we just take this video game controller and hotwire it to this.
So we'll be able to control the ship with a joystick? It's not so strange.
I could always control Chode with his.
I hate to rain on your parade, but we've got another problem.
Can't it wait, you freakin' computer virus? - Not if you wanna breathe.
- What? Well, you know how Six insisted I use all the ship's resources to keep the shields at full strength? - Yeah.
- Well, that kind of depleted our life support systems.
You have about three hours' worth of oxygen.
(gasping) - Dig! - (chuckles) There's no way I can implement this tool without some kind of gloves.
Hey, Charlie, this guy wants some gloves.
Oh, yes, thank you.
That will do nicely.
Okay, I think I got it.
Bob, are you ready? - Sock it to me, brother.
- (rock music playing) - (click) - (disco music playing) - (vaudeville music changes) - Okay, still working out the kinks.
We don't have time! - (rock music playing) - Huh? (channel switches) Man: Here's Jay! (growls) (screams) Piece of crap! That doesn't even sound like John Melendez.
We're doomed! There's nothing we can do! "Reroute all ship's resources to the shields.
" - (women grunting) - (gasps) Rip off her top! No, not T'nuk's top.
Six's! Oh, yeah, at least I'm gonna die with a smile on my face and wood in my pants.
No, not T'nuk's top again! Sorry, buddy.
(grumbling) I can't believe you got me into this, all in the pursuit of treasure.
Actually, it was the pursuit of poontang that started it all.
If it weren't for Six holding out on me, we wouldn't be in this fix.
That's why I leave the women alone nothing but trouble.
Is that the lie you tell yourself? - (metallic clank) - What the hell was that? Well, looky here.
- (alarm sounding) - Man: Discovery! We have a discovery.
(groans) Yes, Mr.
Big, I've got it in my hand.
What now? right, Gus? - Mm-hmm.
- You'll get your reward all right in heaven! Mr.
Big said to throw them back in the mine - and seal it.
- What the f hey! (clock ticking) (slaves grunting) Computer voice: Eight minutes to the annihilation of Pyridia.
Well, that's that.
You can kiss my shiny ass goodbye.
If that doesn't wanna make me get out of here, nothing will.
(Gus crying) (bats screech) Gus, load all that dynamite into a hover cart.
(grunting) Computer voice: Five minutes to the annihilation of Pyridia.
(yelling) (screaming) There's no way out.
Will you hear my confession before I die? Jenna Jameson's? Yes.
Yours? Not on your life.
(screaming) First time, shame on you.
Second time, shame on me.
Computer voice: Two minutes to the annihilation of Pyridia.
Chode, let's get out of here.
The shuttle's in this direction.
There's no way we're gonna make it.
There's a way I could make it.
Please, Six, I don't wanna die a virgin.
Make it with me my dying wish.
Please! (sighs) I'll do it, Whip.
Consider it a lovely parting gift.
- You'll do it? - (rumbling) - (moans) - Huh? T'nuk and Whip: Huh? It's gone.
The tractor beam is gone.
Whoo-hoo! Why couldn't that planet have exploded 10 minutes later? You would have only needed Don't fret, my boy.
You're still in luck.
You're still gonna die from lack of oxygen.
- Whoo-hoo! - Well, a deal is a deal.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - (door opens) Jeez, didn't you guys see the sock on the doorknob? - Don't you know what that means? - Have we got a story for you! (sniffs) A little stale in here, yes? No thanks to you hole.
Wait, T'nuk, what the hell are you - Huh? - You moron! That was the key to the lost treasure of Pyridia.
I swapped it for the key to the Club.
My fortune's gone.
All of this for nothing.
We have bigger issues, Chode.
We're running out of air.
And now we have no way to get more since there's no key.
Jeez, there's always the spare.
I'd have thought you would have been smart enough to find it.
Do you ever wanna see this again? Okay okay.
The key's under the fake rock by the door.
(nervous laughter) T'nuk, set course for the nearest fueling depot.
Six, go pick out a tiara and scepter.
It's time for some makeup sex.
Here you are, sir, - the key to the treasure.
- Oh! This isn't the key to the treasure, you dunder! - Chode! - (gasps) (theme music playing)