Trollied (2011) s03e08 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? Fish and ticks.
Red-hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two-for-ones.
Pow! Pow! Boom! Fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget the Valco tick.
Oh, Valco tick.
That way.
Serves you right.
Valco! Serves you right.
Valco! Serves you right! Good night.
Yes, have a great evening.
Good night.
In your own time, madam.
Well, that's the lot of them.
Whoa! Hi, Gavin.
I'm so excited, I ran here.
I can't believe we're reopening! Just think, Monday we'll be Valco Better! Yes, I mean Think how different it'll be.
Will we have doors? Yes, we'll still have doors, Leighton.
All that is happening is a stock replenishment and redress.
Will it still be in Warrington? Leighton, why are you in uniform? This is what I like to wear outside work.
Unless it's really hot, and then I just wear the top half of the uniform and shorts.
Is Richard coming? Yes, yes, he's decided to personally train Anna up on the, er - d'you know, I think it actually hurts to say it - the "break-out zone".
Why we can't call it a cafe is just beyond me.
There they are! My man and my best friend in the world.
Julie, we should put on a show for Gavin.
We could French kiss, take our tops off.
No! Absolutely not.
You two are square pegs! You make me laugh.
We're closed! You what? We're closed! So we have Refit.
That's my first R.
And the second group is on the Restock.
Yes! My second R.
Then we have Reface - making sure everything is label first.
That's my third R.
You'll all be fine as long as you remember my Rs.
Colin, there is nothing funny about Gavin's Rs.
Sorry, Gavin.
Ooh.
Do you want me to really get to grips with your Rs or? Well, not just you, Colin, I mean, you all do.
Actually, Gav, can I just do a "find and replace" there? The reopening is big.
A new brand We've got head office and a celeb coming in.
It's "Kennedy ass-ass" big.
So, I've had a think, and W-T-F? We're not just restocking any more.
We're going to move it all around.
A rotation? And that's my R.
Guns N' Roses.
Richard, any news on who the celeb's going to be tomorrow? Oh, one word, Jules.
Lady Gaga.
Wow! Really? Yes.
I've tweeted her.
Just waiting for the tweet back.
It's in the B-A-G.
Ah, Richard, listen, these new floor plans are a maze! Amazeballs, more like.
Batteries at the front, there's fresh fruit and veg on aisle four! People won't know where anything is! Exactly.
And what do they do when they don't know where something is? They go to Tesco's.
They explore.
But the signage, Richard! Now, this new layout, it won't match the aisle signs.
That's a good point, actually.
Erm, well, just take all the signs down.
That's good thinking, Gav.
Looks like they've got us paired up, then, eh? Yep.
Ah.
Are you wearing aftershave? What? Yeah, sort of.
No big deal.
Hey, Katie, so like, er, what's your favourite food? I dunno.
Yeah, it's shit, food, innit? I hate food.
Oh, sorry! Oh, it's like dodgems.
Colin, Colin.
What? Er, how do you know if you fancy someone? Normally I just get a hard-on.
What about if every time you see them, you feel like you're going to be sick? Uh-oh, you've got it bad, mate.
Go and talk to her.
I-I-I-I-I'm not good at speaking to girls.
I mean, I know I seem like this James Bond type but it's just all an act.
Yeah, well, lucky for you, I'm here.
Colin's here.
I've got hundreds of chat-up lines, mate.
I'll have you in her knickers in no time.
Oh, no, no, I don't want to be in her knickers.
I've got my own pants.
Have you? Yeah.
I made them myself.
Did you? Yeah.
Are you all right, Linda? You don't look yourself.
Oh, don't ask.
Bloke trouble.
I'm done with blokes, Margaret.
They're all dicks.
Very true.
Two of my Alan's friends are Dicks.
Margaret! Well, one of them's a Dickie rather than a Dick, but we call him Dick.
I just thought he was different and now I'm never going to find a bloke and it's just all going be Right, sod the signs.
This is an emergency.
Margaret, get a bottle of vodka.
We're having a girls' night.
Vodka? And get some coke as well.
And some Flumps.
Watch my hair.
All right.
Let's pretend I'm a customer.
How do you greet me? Hello, handsome! Coffee time! Nice, personal.
It's pure "Better".
OK.
Hello, dear, I would like a coffee.
What would you recommend? Oh, um, I think you should have something hot and tasty like you.
A mocha.
Anna, you are so fresh.
I love your attitude.
You're exactly what Valco Better needs.
And you, silly Mr France, are very good also.
Last night, I thought you were great.
You were, oh, sensational! Same time tomorrow, innit? No puedo esperar.
Look at this, Julie.
Fresh produce on shelving.
This is the store layout of a madman! Hmm, yes.
I'm going to talk to Richard about it.
No, no, no! You can't! You don't want to go interrupting him and Anna.
Who knows what you might walk in on?! Some management mumbo jumbo probably.
I only hope he's not trying to force too much down her throat.
Yes, um, about Anna Did you see her last night? No, she had to go and see her sister, so I was home alone.
Her sister? Yes, she sees quite a lot of her sister.
It's quite good, actually, getting the time on my own to catch up on my labelling.
Why do you ask, anyway? Er no reason.
This isn't a good idea.
Look, I'm going to talk to Richard.
No, you can't! Oh! Julie, what are you doing? I'm going to be sick.
Peters and Lee! Shouldn't you go to the toilet if you're going to be sick? Oh.
Y-yes, yes.
Good thinking.
I will.
Just promise me that you'll stay here and not go and see Richard.
Yeah, yeah, fine, yeah.
Promise.
Be gone! Choo-choo! We're closed.
Let me in.
Choo-choo! Anna, stop messing about! Estas loco! Mi, loco? No loco.
Not interrupting anything, am I? Oh, come, join us! I want to show you something.
Look.
Choo-choo! You two seem to be having lots of fun together.
Oh, Julie, this break-out zone's going to be fun central.
Ah.
Have a coffee with us.
No, thank you.
I think it might leave a rather bitter taste.
No, the coffee is very fresh.
Yeah, it's great coffee.
Anyway, I'm not sure certain people should be drinking coffee behind Gavin's back.
Why not? Oh, just forget it! Right, better be on my lunch.
I'll get the elevator.
Ping! There go the old knees.
Neville, got a visitor for you.
Is this your daughter? Yes.
What's her name? I need proof.
Her name is Sophie.
Is your name Sophie? I forgot to ask you before.
Yes.
Good enough for me.
Sophie, sweetheart, what on earth are you doing here? I've left home.
Yes, but you can't come here.
This is my work and Oh, will you shut up, Neville?! I'm trying to tell you why I moved out! S-sorry, carry on.
Well, Mum is being an absolute bitch Oh! because she hates my new boyfriend and she says he can't come to stay, so I said, "Fine, I'll go live with Neville.
" To live with me? Yeah.
Fuck her! Oh! And Dad.
Please call him Mike.
You know I'm your dad.
This isn't about you! Oh, can I go round and get some food, please? It's probably best if you just hide in the cage for now, try not to get seen.
Daddy he really needs this job.
You can't just give up men.
What are you going to do? Become a lesbian? I could be a lesbian.
Don't you have to be born there to be a lesbian? Born where? Lesbia.
Er yeah.
Bet there's some well-fit lesbians round here.
I wouldn't get your hopes up.
The only lesbians I've seen in Warrington are short-haired, middle-aged boilers.
Oh.
Are you a lesbian, then, Sue? No, I'm bloody not! Sit yourself down, will you, and have a drink?! And what are you fucking laughing at? Right, Leighton, listen.
Just play it cool, and she'll be putty in your hands.
Yeah.
Go.
Hi.
I wish that you were a door, so that I could slam you all day long.
I'm not a door.
I don't get it either.
Can I please help you stack the shelf? Yeah.
I've got my own system, though.
Oh, right.
I like to pick up two at same time, then pick the one I think's best and And stack it! Yeah, I've got the same system.
Er Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, yay! You weren't watching.
I'm busy.
You're meant to be watching.
That was about 20 metres.
Here go on, watch this.
Oh, all right, if it'll shut you up.
Argh! Oh, my God, are you all right? Argh, my face.
No.
Stop laughing.
I can't help it.
I think I've broken my What bone is your face? Your skull.
I think I've broken my skull.
No, she just showed up here, Mike.
Yeah, well, obviously I'm happy for her to stay but they've got to sort it out - they can't be at war over some boyfriend.
Sorry? Ah, there's a knack to that - you need to press the pilot light twice.
It should fire up like a dream.
OK.
All right.
Good news, Sophie.
Your mum says it's fine.
You can stay at chez Dad's.
You what? She said it was OK? What a bitch! She said it was fine! Bitch! Hello? Er, hang on I thought we were moving fresh produce to, er, aisle four? Now, don't worry, Richard, but I've got the staff working on the rest of the rotation, but, really, fresh fruit and veg, they need to be the first thing the customers see.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up the truck! You, er, disobeyed an order.
Richard, look, the plans are just madness.
Don't cross me on this, Gav.
I don't want to pull rank.
I am the manager.
Shouldn't I have a say about what happens? Stop it, you two! Stop it! Gavin, I told you not to do anything.
I'm sorry but I'm glad I did.
What he's doing is just plain wrong.
Yes, but it takes two.
She has to take some of the blame for this as well.
She? Hang on a minute What are you two arguing about? We're discussing the rotation.
Gavin's taken it upon himself to disobey an order.
Oh, oh, right! Oh, thank God.
W-w-what did you mean, SHE has to take some of the blame? The fruit and veg.
Yes The fruit and veg has to take some of the blame for this mess.
Right, not got time for this.
Gavin Fresh produce Aisle - pow! - four.
Do we understand each other? Fine.
Boom! I hate the night shift.
Yeah, it's knackering, innit? No, I just don't like the dark.
Never have.
Ha! Oh, that's brilliant - security guard afraid of the dark.
You don't know what's lurking out there like cats.
I hate cats.
Not as much as mice, though.
Mice are the worst And cotton wool Urgh, yeah.
Oh, there's a mouse! No, seriously, though.
Go on, you can sleep with any man in the world - who would it be? OK.
Tom Hardy.
Who's he? Who's Tom Hardy? Are you joking me? Wait, no, Ryan Gosling.
Oh, can I have both? At the same time? Oh, can you imagine?! What about you, Margaret? You can cop off with anyone, who would it be.
Oh, my Alan.
Definitely.
You can't choose your Alan.
You've got the pick of the men of the world.
Just think, you could kiss someone famous.
Oh, no, thank you, I've been there before.
You what? What famous people have you been kissing? Oh, I've said too much.
Ignore me, it's the vodka.
Hey, come on, you said it.
How famous was he? He was a Beatle.
And he's dead.
And his name was John.
And that's all the clues you're getting.
You went out with John Lennon? Well, OK, it was him but I only kissed him, but then I met my Alan and that were that.
Right, I'm just going to come out and say it.
Will you go out with me? No.
What? Sorry.
I don't want to go out with you.
But you're meant to say yeah.
Is there someone else? Is it Ray? What? No! I-I can set you up with him.
I don't fancy Ray.
Right.
But you don't fancy me either? Sorry, no.
How about now? No.
But we can still be mates.
Really? Best mates? Not best mates.
I never It'll be ace.
We can walk in together, hang out in the canteen.
Fuck it, let's start a band.
So, who's this young man you're courting? I know it can be embarrassing but you can talk to your old dad about these things.
He's a rapper.
Oh, OK, so he's into all this hip-hop music, is he? Shut up, Neville! You're so embarrassing.
Sorry.
And we're not courting, we're shagging.
Pow! Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Please, I've come to get these.
Get off.
Get off! Get off! Richard, Richard, I need to have a word with Anna.
In private.
Yeah, sure.
Yeow! Julie, what is the matter? You're late? You're having a baby?! Gavin Strong is a good man.
Julie, what is going on? I know where you were last night.
Sleeping with someone behind Gavin's back is bad enough, but Richard France?! No, Julie, I Gavin deserves better than you.
Ow! How dare you?! Gavin is the sun in my universe! I would rather set myself on fire than sleep with another man! Oh, don't play the innocent with me.
And to think Gavin trusted you Yes, I was with Richard France last night.
I was with him because I'm helping him to learn Spanish.
Oh, really? Yes, really.
I have been tutoring Richard so I can earn some money to buy Gavin a new bike.
So, there's nothing between you and Richard? No.
And there is nothing between you and me.
Oh, Anna, I'm so sorry You have betrayed me because you are jealous.
What? Because you are in love with Gavin.
And you are sad and lonely and you can't bear to see us happy.
Please, go.
What's up, mate? Did she blow you out? No, she's great.
I think she might be the best girl in the world.
What's your problem? You should be up to your nuts by now.
No, we're not doing the nuts aisle.
What's the point, you know? She works nights, I work days.
We'd never see each other.
Right, that is it, get here! Look at her! Don't look at Look at her.
What do you see? I see a girl Sorry.
I see a girl that I like.
Stop being a numb-nut.
What does it matter if she works the night shift? You've got to make the most of it while it is here.
Look at me and Lisa.
Lisa's not here.
Right, when we first started seeing each other, all I did was worry about her going off with other blokes.
But I thought Lisa did run off with another bloke.
It was a fucking rugby team, but that's not the point! Not the cotton wool! Sorry.
Only joking! Gavage.
There you are, Richard, I followed your plan to the letter.
Yeah, yeah.
I dunno, maybe, maybe too much to the letter.
It doesn't really feel "between the lines", you know.
Between the what? Do you know what, we could do with something that says "fresh".
Yeah, like fresh fruit and veg maybe.
Good thinking.
Love it.
This is exactly what I've been saying all night.
Yeah, course you have.
Whee! I suppose you want me to swap all these back again.
Awesome.
Yo, cleanage.
I've wasted a whole evening, Julie.
I just want to get this done, find Anna and go home.
How should I know where Anna is?! Is everything all right, Julie? Yes.
Fine.
Oh, God, is that the time? Shh! So I suppose this is it, then? Yeah.
Unless you wanted to be my girlfriend or something.
M-m-maybe we could do that.
It wouldn't work - a night worker and a day worker together.
I know.
It's the most insane idea in the world.
I had a really great night, though.
Me, too.
Maybe we'll I'll see you sometime? I hope so.
Bye.
Bye.
Yes! Did you get some action? Yeah.
She shook my hand.
Wow.
Anyway, I have to get off.
I've got to get home and wake Lisa up with the old alarm cock.
So See you later.
Clock.
So I'll call round in the morning and we can walk in together.
What? We're bezzies now.
It's fine.
We can talk about how to set you up with Ray on the way in.
No! I don't fancy Ray.
What about me? No.
Come on.
Uh-uh.
Yeah? No.
Yeah? You're not going home, Leighton? Not just yet, Gavin.
I can't wait to show you the flat.
This one has got windows.
There you are, I have found us a place to stay.
Oh, I-I-I didn't know.
Is this? Neville, this is my boyfriend.
All right, Neville.
Everyone calls me MC Poison.
Great.
Well, lovely to meet you, MC Poison.
Ian Oh, hey, you Bye-bye.