Veep s03e08 Episode Script
Debate
Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.
Well, hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation.
Actual and general air of.
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall.
Actual heads.
God, I love this kinda talk.
Gets me aroused.
Sorry, I meant roused.
No, did I I meant aroused.
Aroused.
- Hi, Catherine.
- Hi.
- Americano, dash of cow.
- Thanks.
Whoa! Who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy? That's Jackson.
I hired him to sharpen up Selina's answers.
He's a writer.
Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners.
Just me and my iPad, which I like to call the "Zinger Sewing Machine.
" Oh, so you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh? I know, it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted Does want.
Okay, let's rehearse the debate.
Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill? Let's see.
"I don't know anything about NAFTA, "but I do know about baseball.
"Baseball, baseball, baseball.
"Look at my muscly chest.
Vote for me.
" Ben, you are Owen Pierce.
"Well, I'm a baby-faced, "know-nothing congressman from Shit Stain, Nevada, "uh, who's got the newly dropped balls "enough to think that I can run for president.
" Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay.
Sec Def Maddox, where do you stand on crime? Well' right now I'm coming across pretty hard-lined, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr.
Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to out-hard Sec Def Maddox.
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
What? Oh my God! Well, maybe.
I don't know if it's gonna be Baywatch.
There's probably a more up-to-date reference we would You know what, son? You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say, "Tickle me.
" I like his jokes.
They're jokes, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, everyone, a drumroll.
That's not really a drumroll.
She's coming.
She's coming.
Ready? I think Gary's about to come.
- She's coming.
- Don't do it.
It's too much buildup.
It's too much buildup.
Rebranded.
What do we think? I love it.
Ha-ha! Love it, love it.
Looks great.
I never knew you had so much neck.
- I know! - I mean that in a good way.
- Right.
- I think necks are neat.
I'm going to go show everybody myself.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's go do it.
Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.
Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.
Right.
Everything about it says - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, no, don't be shy.
If you feel like you must applaud, then, you know.
Oh! No, it's fine.
Don't, don't.
Look at that, Mom.
People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or siblings.
Well, that's not the haircut.
That's always been the case.
We always get that.
Hi.
- Ma'am.
- Yes? Would you sign this to the max, please? Yes.
Getting nothing here.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
"Short hair for the long haul.
" - That's good, I like that.
- Thanks, guys.
- Very good.
- What is it with you two? It's like flirting, but sexless.
Well, look, it's George Looney.
Hey, Kent.
Dan, what are you doing here? Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike.
I need to be here.
So, did they cure you or whatever? No, I did not need to be cured, Michael.
I diagnosed myself with an acute case of "everythings fine.
" Can I get anybody a coffee? - Ah, yes, please.
- Yeah? Okay.
Milk and two heaping spoonfuls of whatever the fuck you're on.
Me, too.
'Cause it frames my face.
Yeah.
Oh, oops, excuse me, buddy.
Oh! - Oh.
- I didn't even recognize you.
- Look at you.
- Look at you.
- I love it.
Do you love it? - Yeah.
Ma'am, I just wanna say again, thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
And I'm still very sorry I let it all get to me.
- Yeah.
- But I've cleared it out.
I'm much more centered.
I'm better.
Yeah, well, like I said before, I forgive you.
- Because I'm nice.
- You are.
- And because I need your brain.
- Thank you.
But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again.
And get rid of this.
Ma'am, continuing to love the hair.
Thank you.
- Welcome to debate prep.
- Oh, good.
Mike is Chung.
Kent is ex-Sec Def Maddox.
Uh-huh, Oh.
Ben is Owen Pierce.
Oh, that does look like him.
And Congressman Furlong is Joe Thornhill.
Baseball.
Yeah.
Oh, God! Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something? Let me tell you something.
Thornhill's the one to watch, because he is a complete asshole.
Actually, you know what? Uh Oh, here you go, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Coffee for the Golden Bear.
Uh, I have a buddy who is inside MLB and he said it's possible that Thornhill might have had an affair.
Whoa.
Do we have proof? Yeah, is there a smoking condom? It supposedly happened about eight years ago.
Eight years ago? It could have been anyone.
Could have been Ben.
Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.
You did.
All right, well, we just need another reliable source and then, uh, we can make it an affair to remember.
Bam! God, I feel so powerful! I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head.
Well, if Thornhill strayed once, there might be others.
Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky.
Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? You're naive.
Welcome to politics.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need these looked at, stat.
Ugh.
And the President's office is on the line.
Oh, my God! The President will not stop calling.
I just can't seem to get him out of my hair.
- Ma'am? - Did you notice? - You have a new haircut.
- Yeah.
- And a twitch.
- What? I thought I was just feeling it.
You actually saw it? It's really, really, really tiny.
You've seen it? When you feel it happening, maybe you smile through it.
Oh.
Oh, there.
Aha! - Did you see that? - Not at all.
Sue, I cannot stress to you enough the uninterruptability of this meeting.
Well, maybe I should get my mother to sign these papers.
Okay, Sue, do not test me.
I do not want to have a scene here.
I will not have a scene.
Somebody should check if they're having makeup sex.
Gary.
Gary! Oh! What do you think of the new out? Huh, do you like it? Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary.
It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.
The elfin look is in right now.
I was reading about it.
People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.
- Okay, that's dwarves.
- It doesn't matter.
- Do you really think it's too short? - Yeah.
She looks like k.
d.
lang.
Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer.
"Strap-on Selina," "Selina Navratilova? "Fingering the dyke.
" Oh, Mike.
Why are you so angry? Because you have created a fuckload of work for me.
I have to go out and find a friendly style reporter, get 'em on our side, preferably a blind one.
You're married to one.
A blind woman? - Okay.
- Oh, Wendy.
I'll text her.
Okay, do you think we would add extensions or something? I'm up for extensions.
What are extensions? The first thing is defense spending.
Yeah, well, then we use the draw down-lock down.
- Right.
- Fuck-what which-way? Draw down troops abroad, lock down the budget at home.
Our line can be, "Thornhill's hitting home runs and away runs.
" - Can you have "away runs"? - Yeah.
- No.
- Okay, so, uh, what am I attacking Chung with? Ha-ha.
What, are you laughing at us, Pee-wee Sperman? - Oh, stop it.
- HAHA.
"Health care, air pollution, high salaries, and Afghanistan.
" Position on immigration.
Okay, well, my position has always been clear on immigration.
Um Oh God! What the fuck is that thing? - The Three R's.
- Oh, the Three R's.
Um, "Reaffirm, reform, renew.
" - Renew.
- Yes.
I don't think I like the Three R's, you guys.
- I like them.
- You do? Okay, yeah.
I like them, then.
I like 'em.
Okay, so, moving on.
Do you think that your London trip harmed the "special relationship"? Absolutely not.
We still have a very special relationship and I'm very much looking forward to the upcoming royal visit.
Okay.
I think we're gonna leave it there today.
Meeting is over.
Pleasantries, et cetera.
Well, ma'am, I hope your meeting went well, because the rest of your day is a logistical hell.
Is there any way you can make that sound more appealing? Well, I could add the word "cookie" on the end for no reason.
She can't practice not having the twitch.
She can practice that.
It's called "muscle memory.
" This is gonna be on television.
What about Botox? We're getting ready for showtime.
Oh, sure am, boss.
Sure am.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How are you feeling? It's hot.
It feels hot in here.
Yes, it's fine.
Thank you very much.
- Welcome to the University of New Hampshire.
- Thank you.
Uh, we're gonna be onstage in about five minutes, everybody.
It's like being dropped into enemy territory unarmed.
Oh, nice to see you, Congressman Pierce.
Madam Vice President.
Hope you're not feeling loo Well, I guess you are feeling a little nervous.
- Hey, George.
- Hi.
How are you? I like the new hair getup.
Oh, thank you.
You'd fit right in in the military.
Sir, might I say, you look very presidential.
Get me some fruit, some mango.
Yes, sir, of course.
Absolutely.
Well, here it is, game one of the series.
Joe Thornhill.
What are you gonna do? You gonna hit one out of the park, Shoeless Joe? Well, I'm gonna try, ma'am.
Maybe we're gonna be surprised by our pinch hitter over here.
Well, you never know.
Oh, my, um, parents did not allow me to play sports growing up, so That's a shame.
Oh, I wonder if we should, um, take a picture.
- Do you think that would be a good idea? - Good idea.
Should we, uh No, I think - I have a much better camera.
- Bup, bup, bup, bup All right, say, "Who's gonna be President?" - No, no.
- No.
Mr.
Egan, I see you've shaved.
Wise.
You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard.
It's so smooth, it's amazing.
It's like touching a child's face.
Here, try it.
I don't enjoy touching children's faces.
And neither should you.
Hey, Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? Can I live-stream it? You know, a lot of that aggression comes from insecurity, buddy.
How are you gonna manage all this craziness? Well, I don't just manage, ma'am, I coach.
And I'm gonna coach America.
You're talking to me now.
I was just practicing.
Okay.
But I mean, if it doesn't pan out, uh, well, I guess you'll just have happy memories to bring home to, um Where is it? I believe they still call it the White House, ma'am.
- You gonna come visit me? - Visit? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna redecorate.
Oh, okay.
Sorry to interrupt, ma'am.
You go right ahead.
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to make sure that you had all the numbers on the sanctuary states.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
Because you need them all.
Otherwise you'd be screwed.
- Yeah.
- Completely.
That's cute, little mind games.
I happen to know all about sanctuary states, ladies.
- See you later.
- All right.
Yeah.
I think I just did - The twitch is back.
- The twitch is back, yeah.
I cannot believe it.
No, that's in the past and you have to go forward.
- And you're gonna annihilate - Oh my God! Twitchy is back.
- Shit! - What? Don't sweat it.
You have to literally not sweat.
You don't want to go Nixon on us.
You can turn sideways.
Twitch, smile, turn.
- And the Three R's.
- I have the Three R's.
"Reform, reaffirm, renew.
" No, "Renew.
" That's what I just said, "renew.
" She looks like Peter Falk.
Maybe a fourth R? - Maybe just "relax.
" - No.
Madam Vice President, 30 seconds to air.
Thank you.
Is the twitch really bad? Yes.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the candidates for tonight's debate.
Joe Thornhill.
Former Secretary of Defense George Maddox.
Vice President Selina Meyer.
- Madam Vice President.
- How do you do? Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other.
Governor Danny Chung.
Fuck Broadway.
This is real acting.
Congressman Owen Pierce.
Nice air kiss.
- I think he actually missed the air.
- Welcome, all of you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Let's get started.
Now, he spills his water! I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself.
Joe Thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach.
People say you're way out of your league, literally.
Shouldn't you get off the field? You know, ma'am I'm just an ordinary guy and I live in the real America.
I may not know much about running the country, I'll give you that.
But you know what? Neither did George Washington.
Very good.
Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.
What you need is some coaching.
And I want to be your coach.
I want to coach America.
And if you'll have me, well, I guarantee you we're going all the way to the pennant.
Thank you very much.
Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial.
The focus groups love him.
The public will vote for anybody they recognize.
We could lose to the whale from Free Willy.
Well, today, we're here to talk about records.
And, uh, my record clearly shows that unlike some of us, uh, I have been tested.
Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy and the rest of us get fuckin' tenured.
when I, uh, saved my friend on the field of battle, uh, from a burning tank.
I, uh I wasn't thinking about myself I was thinking about my friend.
I was thinking about his family.
Look at him throwing his water everywhere.
He should have been there when the tank was on fire.
God, how does this kid feed himself? Mike, you said Wendy would be here.
Where is she? She's not my dog, Amy.
Who actually isn't very well at the moment.
I don't care, Mike.
Just get Wendy here, okay? She's got a problem with an anal gland.
I'm talking about the dog.
- Oh, there she is.
Hey, tiger.
- Ha - Hey - So, Gary - Yeah' yeah, yeah.
- talk to Wendy about Selina.
- What? - The thing we The Uh, Wendy, hey.
We are so excited about the Veep's new look, Wendy.
We think it's, uh, makes her look younger, but it's age-appropriate, I feel.
- Nice to see you, too, Gary.
- Hey.
Hey, relax.
It's a puff piece' all right? I'm with the style section now.
You don't have to do that.
People are being so critical, Wendy.
I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian.
Shit! I didnât just say that.
I'm sorry.
Gary, stop being so nervous.
Watch me.
"Oh, I love your tie.
" See? Basically brain-dead.
Don't worry.
- Secretary Maddox.
- Yes.
You've been with the military exclusively.
What makes you qualified to be the President? I'm a man of words that the American people can understand.
I'm talking about words like, the economy, jobs World's worst boy-band member ever right there.
It's a simple and direct language.
And, um He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided that he hadn't finished yet.
It's a language that I feel the American people wanna listen to.
I feel your pain.
You okay? I'll be better when you walk away.
If only we could all just walk away.
And now to you, Madam Vice President.
Your personal trainer caused some controversy recently and had to be dismissed.
What do you say to the accusation that you care too much about image and aren't making a real difference to America? Before I answer it, I'd like to start off by saying I would like to be the first to thank the kind folks here at the University of New Hampshire.
The faculty, the staff, the students, of course - Absolutely.
- For Um, excuse me, Congressman? Yes.
Yes, ma'am, absolutely.
Great.
I do want to answer that question.
Um I've got to say, I like this new look.
- You do? - Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
I mean, it's better than that London outfit.
That hat was crazy.
I did not have anything to do with that.
- Ray chose that hat.
- Ray the trainer? - Yeah.
- Ray has a say? She does not say nay to Ray.
You know what I'm sayin? What kind of stuff? I did have a fitness trainer.
However, this gentleman did not make any decisions in my office under any circumstances.
I choose my own outfits, I stay in shape, I make the decisions in my office, and I am the best multi-tasker on my team.
She just said the opposite of what you said.
No Yes.
You can't use that.
Please don't use that.
You just gave me a good scoop on Ray.
I'm not gonna ignore that.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Hello, Mike.
I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, but then Selina said that he didn't, so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying.
I'm sorry, Gary.
You lost me at "Hello.
" How are we doing? Well, Thornhill is still, to use a baseball analogy, "winning.
" Dan, get on the phone.
Find me Thornhill's snatch, now.
Call every whore and mistress in America until you find the right one.
You do remember that he had a breakdown recently? Oh, Jesus, Kent.
It was, like, three weeks ago.
Besides, Selina is waiting for the signal.
- We need to out this affair.
- Yeah, we do.
We need to find the "smoking hon.
" As in "honey.
" That doesn't work.
That's not clear.
I've got a bad stomach cramp.
I think I might be coming down with a bug or something.
Congressman Pierce, you've served in Congress for four years now.
How does that affect your vision for America? The America that I see now is a mess.
Our economy is going down the drain.
If our government is going to take everything from us, bar the kitchen sink, they might want to take the plug as well.
Why a plug? To plug up the plug hole.
It was a joke.
He's making a joke.
Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor.
We should put this guy in Vegas.
I mean, anywhere but here.
If newspapers still had cartoonists, they could do something really clever with that plug.
Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us? Everybody here doesn't hate me, right? Baby, we have a little situation here.
Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay? You didn't say anything about FLOTUS, did you? No, but you just did.
FLOTUS? What about FLOTUS? I didn't say anything about FLOTUS.
She's a reporter.
Shut up! Hey, what's going on with FLOTUS? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
I have to write about something, so Okay, babe, look.
I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair.
Thornhill had an affair? What the hell is wrong with you? That's okay.
That's good with me.
I'll take that.
Good boy.
Good boy, good boy, good boy.
Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find it increasingly hard to find work.
How would you address this issue? You know, I'm not trying to say that, uh, you should, uh, join up and serve your country, but there are other options for, uh I'd love to field this one, Governor Chung, if you don't mind.
I'm sorry, the question was directed to me.
But this is a question that is very near to my heart.
Are we all allowed to speak at once now? - Is that how it's gonna work? - Well You know what? I would like to hear what the coach has to say.
That's manager.
Manager.
It's fine.
You know, as someone who's spent my entire professional career working with young athletes helping them to achieve their potential and, indeed, become role models, young adult unemployment has always been a priority for me.
He's blocking Selina.
That guy's smarter than he looks.
Mind you, he'd have to be.
Seems to me the Vice President has taken her eye off the ball.
She's become distracted by the trappings of her office.
I think it's time we stopped worrying about people up on the Hill.
Yeah, according to the dials, Thornhill's still out front.
Okay, we really, really need that woman who fucked him lo fuck him.
We need Joe's ho.
I'm just waiting for one more source to corroborate the story.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
He fucked her.
This feels better than actually having sex yourself.
Now, as a military man, I know that true leadership takes, uh, strategy, it takes planning, it takes a vision.
Now, today, we're not here to talk about, uh, personal trainers or baseball or, uh, pings.
Um, I certainly hope that the governor is not suggesting that I haven't been tested.
I've served my entire life under the scrutiny of the public eye, and I have no skeletons whatsoever in my closet.
The question is, can we all say the same here? I need this story coming out of every TV, phone, laptop, and hairdresser in America.
Dan, you get the press ready.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad you raised that issue, Madam Vice President.
I've got something very important I would like to share with the American people.
I just wanna be honest.
Many years ago, I had a brief affair.
I deeply regret it.
- He's confessing? - Now, I'm not ashamed to Crap.
If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand, it is honesty.
and support of my amazing wife, Chrissy.
We got out the other side stronger than ever.
Strong enough for me to tell you this, America.
If you can forgive me, then you can vote for me.
Oh, my amazing wife Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen.
There she is, my darlin'.
There she is.
I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.
Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story, which makes my Thornhill story useless.
So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS.
I can't tell you about FLOTUS.
FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.
Then I can run the story on Ray.
I can't let you run the story about Ray.
But I love you.
Does that make everything better? This is what our marriage is gonna be? This? It doesn't have to be.
Wait, what are we talking about? There's always gonna be a conflict of interest.
But that's what marriage is, a conflict of interests.
No.
Marriage is being able to tell each other everything.
- And finding - Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight.
Gary, get the hell out of my marriage.
Okay, got it.
Mike, I'm really nervous about all these haircut questions.
- Nobody cares.
- Yeah, okay.
We have 11 million illegal immigrants currently living in the US today.
What do we do about them? Madam Vice President? I have a very clear strategy that I would like to share with everybody today.
Um I call it my "Three R's.
" It's time for the Three R's.
They're solid as a rock, rock, rock.
Number one, we need to reform.
But we can't do it without bipartisan support.
And that is something that I am confident, with my experience, I can absolutely secure.
Number two, we need to reaffirm.
We need to reaffirm our commitment to highly-smiled, legal immigrant workers.
Number three the, the, uh The third R.
Um Uh Renew, renew.
The third R is renew.
She forgot the third R.
The third R is Actually, in fact, let me go back to "Reaffirm," which was number two.
Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? You got a gun? I'll do it.
âImmigrants whose descendants, of course, run companies.
Successful companies like Clovis in Silicon Valley, where I had the good fortune to visit earlier - Madam Vice President? - Yes? - Your time is nearly up.
- Oh, dear.
You mentioned a third R? Thank you so much, Andrea.
And I'm absolutely, uh, gonna get to that.
Jesus, that is a wicked twitch.
I can! watch this.
Yeah, neither can she, 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work.
It is Uh Repel.
That's right.
"Repel"? Why did she say "repel"? What is it, "Talk Like A Pirate Day? I mean we need to repel unwanted immigration.
We need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers.
I think I've endorsed a Nazi.
That would explain the Hitler haircut.
We need to repel the enemies of America.
Thank you.
Maybe I should have gone with two R's.
Hey, I got three F's for ya.
You're fucked, you fuckin' fucker.
Holy crapcakes! They're loving her.
I know.
It seems every time she says "repel," she attracts more voters.
We have a question now from a member of our audience.
Angela Rodriguez.
My mom lost her house because the banks refused to lower the rates.
My dad passed away and she had to pay for the mortgage out of her savings.
What's he doing? Now, my mother lost her house.
No, don't look at the twitch.
Focus on the "dead dad lady.
" Secretary Maddox? Huh? Oh, uh Yeah.
I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to your mom, and, uh I don't think we should be penalizing any hardworking Americans.
But here's the thing, Andrea.
- Angela.
- It is Huh? Angela.
My name is Angela.
Angela.
Right, right, right.
There are some loopholes.
What we need to do is to find those loopholes and find out Whether are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes? What the hell is a legitimate hole? Well, don't get me started.
Um, I mean That's the question that we should be asking ourselves.
If I may? Please be brief, Congressman.
With absolute With regard to holes, and notwithstanding the humor that was poked at me earlier, and I'm certainly a fan of humor.
Um, can't get by without it, but I think the point about holes is well taken and sort of circles back to my point about plug holes earlier.
Well, not quite.
But it We wanna find those holes or the loopholes.
Just stop saying "hole.
" It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
No, as a "hole," it's not that bad.
But we wanna stay above the hole.
We don't wanna go down the hole.
He's gonna disappear up his own "hole" hole.
If I get your vote, you won't go down that hole.
I wanna bring everybody above the hole.
We all want to live above the hole.
That sounds like a slogan, folks.
And once again, we'd like to express our appreciation to each of the candidates.
Oh, well.
You didn't get much of a chance to speak, did you? - Oh, well.
- Remember that third R.
Thornhill, 30%.
Selina, second, 25.
Chung, 22, Pierce, 9, Maddox, 8.
Maddox dialed "M" for "Murdered Himself.
" God, look at Pierce.
He looks like he just got out of sex prison.
He's not gonna cry, is he? Now Maddox's daughter is gonna give him the bad news.
"Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!" "Daddy, I've never been less proud of you.
" Well, thank God for Twitchy.
He really saved us.
I love that little guy.
Now he's got to convince everyone the Three R's don't stand for "racist," "right wing," and "racist.
" Oh, shit! I'm gonna get so many questions about this hair.
I can give you a ton of lines for this.
Yeah, okay.
It's not reassuring.
Hey, Dan.
Dan.
I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic to your, you know, mental head issues.
So I'm sorry.
Friends? Go fuck yourself, Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.
Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.
Yeah, okay.
Boy, I do not know what I saw in you.
I do.
He's a less talented ugly version of me.
He's basically a human comfort blanket.
Remember when I came up with "Short hair for the long haul"? When? What? No.
Cheer up.
Coming second is good.
It's especially true with opening debates.
Also with fucking.
It's not enough.
We have to win.
And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties.
See, now that's the kind of talk that gets me turned on.
We're gonna have another twitch to deal with here.
I wouldn't say "repel" is a strong word.
It can mean also, "To push away gently with respect.
" I was pretty disappointed in Governor Chung's performance, but I did learn that he used to be a soldier.
Learned that several times.
Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair.
Thank fuckin' God.
Well, the The hole is the hole.
And the hole is the hole that people fall into.
And if they fall below the line, they will fall into the hole.
And we want to keep them from falling below the line and then into the hole or off the map.
Because if they're in the hole, how are you gonna get out?
Well, hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation.
Actual and general air of.
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall.
Actual heads.
God, I love this kinda talk.
Gets me aroused.
Sorry, I meant roused.
No, did I I meant aroused.
Aroused.
- Hi, Catherine.
- Hi.
- Americano, dash of cow.
- Thanks.
Whoa! Who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy? That's Jackson.
I hired him to sharpen up Selina's answers.
He's a writer.
Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners.
Just me and my iPad, which I like to call the "Zinger Sewing Machine.
" Oh, so you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh? I know, it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted Does want.
Okay, let's rehearse the debate.
Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill? Let's see.
"I don't know anything about NAFTA, "but I do know about baseball.
"Baseball, baseball, baseball.
"Look at my muscly chest.
Vote for me.
" Ben, you are Owen Pierce.
"Well, I'm a baby-faced, "know-nothing congressman from Shit Stain, Nevada, "uh, who's got the newly dropped balls "enough to think that I can run for president.
" Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay.
Sec Def Maddox, where do you stand on crime? Well' right now I'm coming across pretty hard-lined, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr.
Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to out-hard Sec Def Maddox.
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
What? Oh my God! Well, maybe.
I don't know if it's gonna be Baywatch.
There's probably a more up-to-date reference we would You know what, son? You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say, "Tickle me.
" I like his jokes.
They're jokes, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, everyone, a drumroll.
That's not really a drumroll.
She's coming.
She's coming.
Ready? I think Gary's about to come.
- She's coming.
- Don't do it.
It's too much buildup.
It's too much buildup.
Rebranded.
What do we think? I love it.
Ha-ha! Love it, love it.
Looks great.
I never knew you had so much neck.
- I know! - I mean that in a good way.
- Right.
- I think necks are neat.
I'm going to go show everybody myself.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's go do it.
Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.
Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.
Right.
Everything about it says - Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
Yeah.
Hello.
Oh, no, don't be shy.
If you feel like you must applaud, then, you know.
Oh! No, it's fine.
Don't, don't.
Look at that, Mom.
People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or siblings.
Well, that's not the haircut.
That's always been the case.
We always get that.
Hi.
- Ma'am.
- Yes? Would you sign this to the max, please? Yes.
Getting nothing here.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
"Short hair for the long haul.
" - That's good, I like that.
- Thanks, guys.
- Very good.
- What is it with you two? It's like flirting, but sexless.
Well, look, it's George Looney.
Hey, Kent.
Dan, what are you doing here? Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike.
I need to be here.
So, did they cure you or whatever? No, I did not need to be cured, Michael.
I diagnosed myself with an acute case of "everythings fine.
" Can I get anybody a coffee? - Ah, yes, please.
- Yeah? Okay.
Milk and two heaping spoonfuls of whatever the fuck you're on.
Me, too.
'Cause it frames my face.
Yeah.
Oh, oops, excuse me, buddy.
Oh! - Oh.
- I didn't even recognize you.
- Look at you.
- Look at you.
- I love it.
Do you love it? - Yeah.
Ma'am, I just wanna say again, thank you.
Mmm-hmm.
And I'm still very sorry I let it all get to me.
- Yeah.
- But I've cleared it out.
I'm much more centered.
I'm better.
Yeah, well, like I said before, I forgive you.
- Because I'm nice.
- You are.
- And because I need your brain.
- Thank you.
But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again.
And get rid of this.
Ma'am, continuing to love the hair.
Thank you.
- Welcome to debate prep.
- Oh, good.
Mike is Chung.
Kent is ex-Sec Def Maddox.
Uh-huh, Oh.
Ben is Owen Pierce.
Oh, that does look like him.
And Congressman Furlong is Joe Thornhill.
Baseball.
Yeah.
Oh, God! Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something? Let me tell you something.
Thornhill's the one to watch, because he is a complete asshole.
Actually, you know what? Uh Oh, here you go, buddy.
- Thank you.
- Coffee for the Golden Bear.
Uh, I have a buddy who is inside MLB and he said it's possible that Thornhill might have had an affair.
Whoa.
Do we have proof? Yeah, is there a smoking condom? It supposedly happened about eight years ago.
Eight years ago? It could have been anyone.
Could have been Ben.
Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.
You did.
All right, well, we just need another reliable source and then, uh, we can make it an affair to remember.
Bam! God, I feel so powerful! I got a whole new rush of blood to my new head.
Well, if Thornhill strayed once, there might be others.
Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky.
Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? You're naive.
Welcome to politics.
Sorry to interrupt, but I need these looked at, stat.
Ugh.
And the President's office is on the line.
Oh, my God! The President will not stop calling.
I just can't seem to get him out of my hair.
- Ma'am? - Did you notice? - You have a new haircut.
- Yeah.
- And a twitch.
- What? I thought I was just feeling it.
You actually saw it? It's really, really, really tiny.
You've seen it? When you feel it happening, maybe you smile through it.
Oh.
Oh, there.
Aha! - Did you see that? - Not at all.
Sue, I cannot stress to you enough the uninterruptability of this meeting.
Well, maybe I should get my mother to sign these papers.
Okay, Sue, do not test me.
I do not want to have a scene here.
I will not have a scene.
Somebody should check if they're having makeup sex.
Gary.
Gary! Oh! What do you think of the new out? Huh, do you like it? Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary.
It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.
The elfin look is in right now.
I was reading about it.
People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.
- Okay, that's dwarves.
- It doesn't matter.
- Do you really think it's too short? - Yeah.
She looks like k.
d.
lang.
Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer.
"Strap-on Selina," "Selina Navratilova? "Fingering the dyke.
" Oh, Mike.
Why are you so angry? Because you have created a fuckload of work for me.
I have to go out and find a friendly style reporter, get 'em on our side, preferably a blind one.
You're married to one.
A blind woman? - Okay.
- Oh, Wendy.
I'll text her.
Okay, do you think we would add extensions or something? I'm up for extensions.
What are extensions? The first thing is defense spending.
Yeah, well, then we use the draw down-lock down.
- Right.
- Fuck-what which-way? Draw down troops abroad, lock down the budget at home.
Our line can be, "Thornhill's hitting home runs and away runs.
" - Can you have "away runs"? - Yeah.
- No.
- Okay, so, uh, what am I attacking Chung with? Ha-ha.
What, are you laughing at us, Pee-wee Sperman? - Oh, stop it.
- HAHA.
"Health care, air pollution, high salaries, and Afghanistan.
" Position on immigration.
Okay, well, my position has always been clear on immigration.
Um Oh God! What the fuck is that thing? - The Three R's.
- Oh, the Three R's.
Um, "Reaffirm, reform, renew.
" - Renew.
- Yes.
I don't think I like the Three R's, you guys.
- I like them.
- You do? Okay, yeah.
I like them, then.
I like 'em.
Okay, so, moving on.
Do you think that your London trip harmed the "special relationship"? Absolutely not.
We still have a very special relationship and I'm very much looking forward to the upcoming royal visit.
Okay.
I think we're gonna leave it there today.
Meeting is over.
Pleasantries, et cetera.
Well, ma'am, I hope your meeting went well, because the rest of your day is a logistical hell.
Is there any way you can make that sound more appealing? Well, I could add the word "cookie" on the end for no reason.
She can't practice not having the twitch.
She can practice that.
It's called "muscle memory.
" This is gonna be on television.
What about Botox? We're getting ready for showtime.
Oh, sure am, boss.
Sure am.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How are you feeling? It's hot.
It feels hot in here.
Yes, it's fine.
Thank you very much.
- Welcome to the University of New Hampshire.
- Thank you.
Uh, we're gonna be onstage in about five minutes, everybody.
It's like being dropped into enemy territory unarmed.
Oh, nice to see you, Congressman Pierce.
Madam Vice President.
Hope you're not feeling loo Well, I guess you are feeling a little nervous.
- Hey, George.
- Hi.
How are you? I like the new hair getup.
Oh, thank you.
You'd fit right in in the military.
Sir, might I say, you look very presidential.
Get me some fruit, some mango.
Yes, sir, of course.
Absolutely.
Well, here it is, game one of the series.
Joe Thornhill.
What are you gonna do? You gonna hit one out of the park, Shoeless Joe? Well, I'm gonna try, ma'am.
Maybe we're gonna be surprised by our pinch hitter over here.
Well, you never know.
Oh, my, um, parents did not allow me to play sports growing up, so That's a shame.
Oh, I wonder if we should, um, take a picture.
- Do you think that would be a good idea? - Good idea.
Should we, uh No, I think - I have a much better camera.
- Bup, bup, bup, bup All right, say, "Who's gonna be President?" - No, no.
- No.
Mr.
Egan, I see you've shaved.
Wise.
You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard.
It's so smooth, it's amazing.
It's like touching a child's face.
Here, try it.
I don't enjoy touching children's faces.
And neither should you.
Hey, Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? Can I live-stream it? You know, a lot of that aggression comes from insecurity, buddy.
How are you gonna manage all this craziness? Well, I don't just manage, ma'am, I coach.
And I'm gonna coach America.
You're talking to me now.
I was just practicing.
Okay.
But I mean, if it doesn't pan out, uh, well, I guess you'll just have happy memories to bring home to, um Where is it? I believe they still call it the White House, ma'am.
- You gonna come visit me? - Visit? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna redecorate.
Oh, okay.
Sorry to interrupt, ma'am.
You go right ahead.
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to make sure that you had all the numbers on the sanctuary states.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
Because you need them all.
Otherwise you'd be screwed.
- Yeah.
- Completely.
That's cute, little mind games.
I happen to know all about sanctuary states, ladies.
- See you later.
- All right.
Yeah.
I think I just did - The twitch is back.
- The twitch is back, yeah.
I cannot believe it.
No, that's in the past and you have to go forward.
- And you're gonna annihilate - Oh my God! Twitchy is back.
- Shit! - What? Don't sweat it.
You have to literally not sweat.
You don't want to go Nixon on us.
You can turn sideways.
Twitch, smile, turn.
- And the Three R's.
- I have the Three R's.
"Reform, reaffirm, renew.
" No, "Renew.
" That's what I just said, "renew.
" She looks like Peter Falk.
Maybe a fourth R? - Maybe just "relax.
" - No.
Madam Vice President, 30 seconds to air.
Thank you.
Is the twitch really bad? Yes.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the candidates for tonight's debate.
Joe Thornhill.
Former Secretary of Defense George Maddox.
Vice President Selina Meyer.
- Madam Vice President.
- How do you do? Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other.
Governor Danny Chung.
Fuck Broadway.
This is real acting.
Congressman Owen Pierce.
Nice air kiss.
- I think he actually missed the air.
- Welcome, all of you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Let's get started.
Now, he spills his water! I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself.
Joe Thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach.
People say you're way out of your league, literally.
Shouldn't you get off the field? You know, ma'am I'm just an ordinary guy and I live in the real America.
I may not know much about running the country, I'll give you that.
But you know what? Neither did George Washington.
Very good.
Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.
What you need is some coaching.
And I want to be your coach.
I want to coach America.
And if you'll have me, well, I guarantee you we're going all the way to the pennant.
Thank you very much.
Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial.
The focus groups love him.
The public will vote for anybody they recognize.
We could lose to the whale from Free Willy.
Well, today, we're here to talk about records.
And, uh, my record clearly shows that unlike some of us, uh, I have been tested.
Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy and the rest of us get fuckin' tenured.
when I, uh, saved my friend on the field of battle, uh, from a burning tank.
I, uh I wasn't thinking about myself I was thinking about my friend.
I was thinking about his family.
Look at him throwing his water everywhere.
He should have been there when the tank was on fire.
God, how does this kid feed himself? Mike, you said Wendy would be here.
Where is she? She's not my dog, Amy.
Who actually isn't very well at the moment.
I don't care, Mike.
Just get Wendy here, okay? She's got a problem with an anal gland.
I'm talking about the dog.
- Oh, there she is.
Hey, tiger.
- Ha - Hey - So, Gary - Yeah' yeah, yeah.
- talk to Wendy about Selina.
- What? - The thing we The Uh, Wendy, hey.
We are so excited about the Veep's new look, Wendy.
We think it's, uh, makes her look younger, but it's age-appropriate, I feel.
- Nice to see you, too, Gary.
- Hey.
Hey, relax.
It's a puff piece' all right? I'm with the style section now.
You don't have to do that.
People are being so critical, Wendy.
I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian.
Shit! I didnât just say that.
I'm sorry.
Gary, stop being so nervous.
Watch me.
"Oh, I love your tie.
" See? Basically brain-dead.
Don't worry.
- Secretary Maddox.
- Yes.
You've been with the military exclusively.
What makes you qualified to be the President? I'm a man of words that the American people can understand.
I'm talking about words like, the economy, jobs World's worst boy-band member ever right there.
It's a simple and direct language.
And, um He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided that he hadn't finished yet.
It's a language that I feel the American people wanna listen to.
I feel your pain.
You okay? I'll be better when you walk away.
If only we could all just walk away.
And now to you, Madam Vice President.
Your personal trainer caused some controversy recently and had to be dismissed.
What do you say to the accusation that you care too much about image and aren't making a real difference to America? Before I answer it, I'd like to start off by saying I would like to be the first to thank the kind folks here at the University of New Hampshire.
The faculty, the staff, the students, of course - Absolutely.
- For Um, excuse me, Congressman? Yes.
Yes, ma'am, absolutely.
Great.
I do want to answer that question.
Um I've got to say, I like this new look.
- You do? - Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
I mean, it's better than that London outfit.
That hat was crazy.
I did not have anything to do with that.
- Ray chose that hat.
- Ray the trainer? - Yeah.
- Ray has a say? She does not say nay to Ray.
You know what I'm sayin? What kind of stuff? I did have a fitness trainer.
However, this gentleman did not make any decisions in my office under any circumstances.
I choose my own outfits, I stay in shape, I make the decisions in my office, and I am the best multi-tasker on my team.
She just said the opposite of what you said.
No Yes.
You can't use that.
Please don't use that.
You just gave me a good scoop on Ray.
I'm not gonna ignore that.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Hello, Mike.
I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, but then Selina said that he didn't, so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying.
I'm sorry, Gary.
You lost me at "Hello.
" How are we doing? Well, Thornhill is still, to use a baseball analogy, "winning.
" Dan, get on the phone.
Find me Thornhill's snatch, now.
Call every whore and mistress in America until you find the right one.
You do remember that he had a breakdown recently? Oh, Jesus, Kent.
It was, like, three weeks ago.
Besides, Selina is waiting for the signal.
- We need to out this affair.
- Yeah, we do.
We need to find the "smoking hon.
" As in "honey.
" That doesn't work.
That's not clear.
I've got a bad stomach cramp.
I think I might be coming down with a bug or something.
Congressman Pierce, you've served in Congress for four years now.
How does that affect your vision for America? The America that I see now is a mess.
Our economy is going down the drain.
If our government is going to take everything from us, bar the kitchen sink, they might want to take the plug as well.
Why a plug? To plug up the plug hole.
It was a joke.
He's making a joke.
Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor.
We should put this guy in Vegas.
I mean, anywhere but here.
If newspapers still had cartoonists, they could do something really clever with that plug.
Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us? Everybody here doesn't hate me, right? Baby, we have a little situation here.
Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay? You didn't say anything about FLOTUS, did you? No, but you just did.
FLOTUS? What about FLOTUS? I didn't say anything about FLOTUS.
She's a reporter.
Shut up! Hey, what's going on with FLOTUS? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
I have to write about something, so Okay, babe, look.
I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair.
Thornhill had an affair? What the hell is wrong with you? That's okay.
That's good with me.
I'll take that.
Good boy.
Good boy, good boy, good boy.
Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find it increasingly hard to find work.
How would you address this issue? You know, I'm not trying to say that, uh, you should, uh, join up and serve your country, but there are other options for, uh I'd love to field this one, Governor Chung, if you don't mind.
I'm sorry, the question was directed to me.
But this is a question that is very near to my heart.
Are we all allowed to speak at once now? - Is that how it's gonna work? - Well You know what? I would like to hear what the coach has to say.
That's manager.
Manager.
It's fine.
You know, as someone who's spent my entire professional career working with young athletes helping them to achieve their potential and, indeed, become role models, young adult unemployment has always been a priority for me.
He's blocking Selina.
That guy's smarter than he looks.
Mind you, he'd have to be.
Seems to me the Vice President has taken her eye off the ball.
She's become distracted by the trappings of her office.
I think it's time we stopped worrying about people up on the Hill.
Yeah, according to the dials, Thornhill's still out front.
Okay, we really, really need that woman who fucked him lo fuck him.
We need Joe's ho.
I'm just waiting for one more source to corroborate the story.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
He fucked her.
This feels better than actually having sex yourself.
Now, as a military man, I know that true leadership takes, uh, strategy, it takes planning, it takes a vision.
Now, today, we're not here to talk about, uh, personal trainers or baseball or, uh, pings.
Um, I certainly hope that the governor is not suggesting that I haven't been tested.
I've served my entire life under the scrutiny of the public eye, and I have no skeletons whatsoever in my closet.
The question is, can we all say the same here? I need this story coming out of every TV, phone, laptop, and hairdresser in America.
Dan, you get the press ready.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad you raised that issue, Madam Vice President.
I've got something very important I would like to share with the American people.
I just wanna be honest.
Many years ago, I had a brief affair.
I deeply regret it.
- He's confessing? - Now, I'm not ashamed to Crap.
If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand, it is honesty.
and support of my amazing wife, Chrissy.
We got out the other side stronger than ever.
Strong enough for me to tell you this, America.
If you can forgive me, then you can vote for me.
Oh, my amazing wife Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen.
There she is, my darlin'.
There she is.
I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.
Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story, which makes my Thornhill story useless.
So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS.
I can't tell you about FLOTUS.
FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.
Then I can run the story on Ray.
I can't let you run the story about Ray.
But I love you.
Does that make everything better? This is what our marriage is gonna be? This? It doesn't have to be.
Wait, what are we talking about? There's always gonna be a conflict of interest.
But that's what marriage is, a conflict of interests.
No.
Marriage is being able to tell each other everything.
- And finding - Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight.
Gary, get the hell out of my marriage.
Okay, got it.
Mike, I'm really nervous about all these haircut questions.
- Nobody cares.
- Yeah, okay.
We have 11 million illegal immigrants currently living in the US today.
What do we do about them? Madam Vice President? I have a very clear strategy that I would like to share with everybody today.
Um I call it my "Three R's.
" It's time for the Three R's.
They're solid as a rock, rock, rock.
Number one, we need to reform.
But we can't do it without bipartisan support.
And that is something that I am confident, with my experience, I can absolutely secure.
Number two, we need to reaffirm.
We need to reaffirm our commitment to highly-smiled, legal immigrant workers.
Number three the, the, uh The third R.
Um Uh Renew, renew.
The third R is renew.
She forgot the third R.
The third R is Actually, in fact, let me go back to "Reaffirm," which was number two.
Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? You got a gun? I'll do it.
âImmigrants whose descendants, of course, run companies.
Successful companies like Clovis in Silicon Valley, where I had the good fortune to visit earlier - Madam Vice President? - Yes? - Your time is nearly up.
- Oh, dear.
You mentioned a third R? Thank you so much, Andrea.
And I'm absolutely, uh, gonna get to that.
Jesus, that is a wicked twitch.
I can! watch this.
Yeah, neither can she, 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work.
It is Uh Repel.
That's right.
"Repel"? Why did she say "repel"? What is it, "Talk Like A Pirate Day? I mean we need to repel unwanted immigration.
We need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers.
I think I've endorsed a Nazi.
That would explain the Hitler haircut.
We need to repel the enemies of America.
Thank you.
Maybe I should have gone with two R's.
Hey, I got three F's for ya.
You're fucked, you fuckin' fucker.
Holy crapcakes! They're loving her.
I know.
It seems every time she says "repel," she attracts more voters.
We have a question now from a member of our audience.
Angela Rodriguez.
My mom lost her house because the banks refused to lower the rates.
My dad passed away and she had to pay for the mortgage out of her savings.
What's he doing? Now, my mother lost her house.
No, don't look at the twitch.
Focus on the "dead dad lady.
" Secretary Maddox? Huh? Oh, uh Yeah.
I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to your mom, and, uh I don't think we should be penalizing any hardworking Americans.
But here's the thing, Andrea.
- Angela.
- It is Huh? Angela.
My name is Angela.
Angela.
Right, right, right.
There are some loopholes.
What we need to do is to find those loopholes and find out Whether are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes? What the hell is a legitimate hole? Well, don't get me started.
Um, I mean That's the question that we should be asking ourselves.
If I may? Please be brief, Congressman.
With absolute With regard to holes, and notwithstanding the humor that was poked at me earlier, and I'm certainly a fan of humor.
Um, can't get by without it, but I think the point about holes is well taken and sort of circles back to my point about plug holes earlier.
Well, not quite.
But it We wanna find those holes or the loopholes.
Just stop saying "hole.
" It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
No, as a "hole," it's not that bad.
But we wanna stay above the hole.
We don't wanna go down the hole.
He's gonna disappear up his own "hole" hole.
If I get your vote, you won't go down that hole.
I wanna bring everybody above the hole.
We all want to live above the hole.
That sounds like a slogan, folks.
And once again, we'd like to express our appreciation to each of the candidates.
Oh, well.
You didn't get much of a chance to speak, did you? - Oh, well.
- Remember that third R.
Thornhill, 30%.
Selina, second, 25.
Chung, 22, Pierce, 9, Maddox, 8.
Maddox dialed "M" for "Murdered Himself.
" God, look at Pierce.
He looks like he just got out of sex prison.
He's not gonna cry, is he? Now Maddox's daughter is gonna give him the bad news.
"Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!" "Daddy, I've never been less proud of you.
" Well, thank God for Twitchy.
He really saved us.
I love that little guy.
Now he's got to convince everyone the Three R's don't stand for "racist," "right wing," and "racist.
" Oh, shit! I'm gonna get so many questions about this hair.
I can give you a ton of lines for this.
Yeah, okay.
It's not reassuring.
Hey, Dan.
Dan.
I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic to your, you know, mental head issues.
So I'm sorry.
Friends? Go fuck yourself, Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.
Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.
Yeah, okay.
Boy, I do not know what I saw in you.
I do.
He's a less talented ugly version of me.
He's basically a human comfort blanket.
Remember when I came up with "Short hair for the long haul"? When? What? No.
Cheer up.
Coming second is good.
It's especially true with opening debates.
Also with fucking.
It's not enough.
We have to win.
And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties.
See, now that's the kind of talk that gets me turned on.
We're gonna have another twitch to deal with here.
I wouldn't say "repel" is a strong word.
It can mean also, "To push away gently with respect.
" I was pretty disappointed in Governor Chung's performance, but I did learn that he used to be a soldier.
Learned that several times.
Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair.
Thank fuckin' God.
Well, the The hole is the hole.
And the hole is the hole that people fall into.
And if they fall below the line, they will fall into the hole.
And we want to keep them from falling below the line and then into the hole or off the map.
Because if they're in the hole, how are you gonna get out?