Workaholics s03e08 Episode Script
Real Time
God, Alice was being such a dickhead today, huh? You give out laser-pointer key chains, and you expect us to be adult enough not to play with them? I mean, are you thick? You were just pointing 'em at people's crotches.
That's what they're there for.
That's fun.
Dude, if she was here right now, I've drank enough, to the point where I would go right to her face, and I would say, "you're dumb and no one loves you.
" I'd say that to her.
That was really good.
You should tell that to her face.
- Yeah, I totally would.
- Through her ear hole, which is in her face, 'cause I just called her work phone.
- What? - Did you? - I did.
- It's her voicemail.
Leave a voicemail.
Hey, Alice, this is Blake.
And I just thought that maybe you should Stick a fork up your butt and eat poo, because you're a dickhead.
- [Rap music.]
- Oh, my God.
It's so sad how much you love me and you look at me from a distance and you get all juicy in your pants.
You might be the boss, but you, ma'am, - are no leader.
- Yeah! And one time I heard you queef.
Slam! Get amped on Demamp! Cornhuskers [bleep.]
rule! Tits are rad! Not yours though.
I bet they're c-caved.
You don't know how to delegate.
You don't know how to motivate.
And you sure as hell can't encourage any kind of innovation.
Let the boys be boys.
Slam! Why aren't you getting laid? What, is your vagina webbed? Go shave your muff! Suck it.
Bitch, you got too many teeth in your mouth.
[Screams.]
Yo, you look like you smoke, and I know that you don't.
So that hits even closer to home.
I hate you.
I hate you.
- Yep, yep.
- I hate you.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! - I hate her.
- Yeah.
[Birds chirping.]
[Cell phone buzzes.]
Oh, no.
Dude.
Dude, the voicemails! - Wake up Demamp! - Hmm? Where's Blake? - What? - Blake! Yo.
How did you [Softly.]
I don't know.
Blake, s'go.
Alice gets to the office five minutes early every day, which gives us 29 minutes to beat her there and delete those messages.
That's weird.
I don't even feel hungover.
I drank, like, 17 beers, and I feel way better than I normal do.
Yeah, you know, maybe as you get older you get better at hangovers.
That has to be a fact.
[Crash.]
All: Whoa! - Jesus.
- What the Guys, we're still drunk.
We got to take the bus.
Let's go! - Yep, I'll meet you guys there.
- Wait, where are you going? - Inside.
We need beers.
- Wait, no! Beers is what got us in this situation.
Yeah, and it's what's gonna get us out.
We're drunk right now, and we feel great, right? If this hangover kicks in - We're screwed.
- He's right, we have no choice.
We have to stay drunk till we get to the office.
Oh, and I'll get my sharper image breathalyzer key chain from the car.
That way, we can monitor our blood alcohol level, guys.
Yeah! Blood alcohol level! Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Adam! Let me get tecates and a couple of limes, okay? - You got it.
- Oh, and Adam? Thank you for being a true Braj.
You're welcome, Braj.
- Stay up.
- I will.
Both: Always.
- Come on, let's go.
- Always, man.
True soldiers, for real.
- Dude! - You're my best friend! - You're my best friend, dude! - Come on! I love that guy, man! - Damn, I forgot a belt! - Shhh.
- [Cell phone rings.]
- Yo-ba sayo.
Jillian, it's Anders.
Listen to me.
I need you to go into Alice's voicemail and delete all her messages before she gets in today.
Oh, I would happily do that, but it's password-protected.
What? You're her assistant.
You don't access to her voicemails? Her mom kept leaving these mean messages about how Alice was a bad daughter, so I couldn't take it, and I finally just called her and I said, "look, lady, shut your mouth and find a [bleep.]
hobby.
" [Techno music.]
And I've had it up to here with the static in the ocean sweet and salty in the sky it's a level of devotion Ders, I'm fading! Breathalyze me! - She's a grown adult - Here it is.
That looks like a baby.
[Music continues.]
on a skateboard, tattooing up your mind coming through! Hustle.
Whoo! Jillian, I just need you to figure out this password, get in there and delete those voicemails.
- Tell me you can do that.
- I'd say yeah Considering I know Alice Murray better than she knows herself.
It's Alice Murphy, actually.
Damn it! I just blew a .
09.
Where is Adam with those beers? Man, I can't get a hangover.
You know how I am when I have a hangover.
I'm bitchy.
I'm very bitchy.
[Device beeps.]
.
10.
We are dangerously close to being hungover.
- [Clock ticking.]
- Oh, I feel a headache.
Feel a headache.
- Oh, here we go.
- Where are the beers? They're all gone, man.
They're all gone, man! - Living that blade life - What are you talking about? I just saw you drink one right now.
Yeah, the last one, Ders.
Think, speak.
Okay, well, I know we had more than one beer in the house.
- No, we had four.
- Uh-huh.
But there's three of us.
And 1 1/2 beers each That's not enough to get us kablamo-ed.
But for one person, that might be enough to take us to the level.
Let me hit this, 'cause I'm feeling ripe.
[Device beeps.]
Whoa.
I'm level That's a .
25.
- Holy - I'm leveled! - Here we go, here we go.
- Hey, right here! - Come on.
- Whoa, front of the line.
Excuse me, folks.
We got an emergency, here.
Come on, come on.
Hey, okay, would you just be a bus angel and drive us right to Telamericorp, no stops or anything? We've got a work emergency.
You got some brats on the bus? Or a churro? I'm starving right now.
Guys, we're not going anywhere till everyone's on the bus.
So sit down.
Let's go! Come on! Time to go.
[Claps.]
Just follow this laser pointer.
We got some open seats right in the back, right down there, if you want to see that.
Adam, help this guy out with his money, please.
- You got money in here? - Help him out.
What are you doing? Stop it.
Handkerchief.
Gross.
Sir, you're never gonna catch any fish if you take this long, come on.
Tuck the pole.
Watch your eyes, everybody.
- What are you doing? - I'm skitching.
No, you are not skitching.
Let's go.
Adam, we will next time, I promise.
Come on.
[Overlapping cheers, whistle.]
- We did it again.
- We did it! And I thought we weren't gonna make it.
We'll be fine now.
Once again, does anybody have any beer? Anybody? Any kind of alcohol? - No? - Thank you all for your help.
- Yeah.
Hey, what the heck? - Good stuff.
Excuse me, sir.
You're not going straight to the office like I asked you.
- No, this isn't the Ders way.
- I love the Ders way.
Why aren't we going the Ders way? - The Ders way's a good way.
- Triple-left, center, right.
You guys never told me you liked my way.
I'm glad that you like it.
It's a good Oh, my God! Get down! - What? - Get down! It's Alice! Excuse me, sir! Listen, we're just a couple of young bucks chasing the American dream, and we made a big mistake.
Behind the line.
Okay, haven't you ever screwed the pooch? You ever wanted a do-over? If so, I'm begging you to go straight to 24th and Crocker - without any stops.
- 24th and Crocker? - Yeah.
- That's 11 stops.
So what? You're perfect? I'm looking at the goddamn mom Teresa in front of me? I've told my boss I wanted to cover her in cinnamon toast crunch dust and then suck her I'm warning you, if you don't sit down, I will have you removed from this bus.
I'm okay with that, considering There's a bomb on the bus! If we go below 50 Miles per hour or don't go directly to Telamericorp, - we're all going to explode! - What did you say? I said, "there's a bomb on this bus!" - Son, I need to know - Oh! Watch out! Oh! Whoa! Cans! It was just cans.
It was a Mexi-can.
Oh, oh, man.
Oh, he's fine.
- Oh.
- Hey, he's all good.
Don't move! Don't move! You were just hit by a bus, buddy.
Suck it up.
Oh, oh, man.
No, I can't do this.
I can't take it.
[Device beeps.]
- [Coughs.]
- .
06.
I've never been so not drunk in my life, man.
- I'm about to be hungover, dude! - No! We are not giving up! Okay? We're gonna go in that liquor store, and I will buy us some booze to replenish our body with liquor.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Ders, I might need to borrow a dollar or two.
- What do you mean? - I'm not - Feeling - Oh, he's passing out! - He's wasted! - I don't feel good.
- Are you okay? - S'go without me.
- Go without you? - Yes.
- Both: Okay.
- We'll be right back.
- [Car horn honks.]
- Actually, carry me.
It's very dangerous out here.
Yeah.
We're so close, we're so close.
[Car horn honking.]
All right, thank you, ma'am.
Don't act like you never passed out in the street with rollerblades before! Come on.
Energy drinks and beer! Where? All over the store.
Everywhere.
- Hurry up, dude.
- Feel good, then not so good.
This rock star needs a monster can of red bull.
Now.
- Oh, God.
Oh! - Just sit down.
You're good.
Let's get this.
- Come on.
- Tap it, and there it is.
Remember that? It's all natural.
- What do you need? - Burrito.
- Handle that, okay? - Burrito? Yes, yes.
A little more of the medicine.
There it is.
The doctor ordered some go juice.
The doctor prescribed some go juice! There you go.
Drink up.
What a good little baby.
- Burritos.
- Check it out painkillers.
Let's kill the pain.
Kill the pain in my brain, man.
Jillian, what's the haps on the craps? It's all taken care of.
What? You deleted the voicemails? Yep.
I did a great job.
- [Titters.]
- Who is this? This is Anders.
Oh, Ders! No, I have not started yet.
- What? - I'm starting right now.
I swear.
I just had to send out this e-vite to my landlord.
And then Montez sent out this funny video of just dads sneezing.
It's hysterical.
[Laughs.]
It's funny, 'cause it's dads.
Jillian, turn it off, and get to it, okay? We need you.
[Beep.]
- She what are those? - They're headache pills.
We're taking 'em just in case the beer wears off.
- Pretty smart, huh? - Yeah, but that's P.
M.
Yeah, "P.
M.
" that's "power medicine," man.
You take it to gain more power in oneself.
Guys, those are sleeping pills.
Whatever, dude.
I'm gonna go nuke this 'rito.
Cheers.
Thanks for saving my life.
Ders, check it out! Yo, Ders.
Ders! I think I just found our ride to work.
You think you can handle those future babes? Dude, get with it, okay? They're gonna act all bitchy, because they know they're gonna grow up and be hot.
We can't take a run at 'em yet.
All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind riding that mongoose.
Come on, dude.
They're like 15, tops.
I'm talking about the bike, you sick freak.
I'm sorry.
You know I'm a Bianchi guy.
Adam, come on! Let's ride! - [Microwave beeps.]
- 90 seconds.
Come on.
We need to go now! No.
I'm starving! Dude, we're 15 minutes from losing everything.
I'm gonna buy this burrito, Ders.
And then I'm gonna eat it! It's just bean and cheese, man.
Still a burrito, man! I hope you know what you're doing, man.
Here, come on.
Let's go.
Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, man.
Hey-hey, young ladies.
How are you guys doing? - Choco tacos.
Nice.
- A choco taco, it's perfect.
It's, like it's something that was perfect a taco And then got more perfecter.
So, yes, wise selection.
Whoa, man! Look at these cool bikes! What do you say? Uh, we're all young adults.
Want to let us hop on for a little ride? Why don't you guys go ride each other? Yeah? And you should fricking roll up your pant leg.
Why? Because you can't ride a bike in jeans.
- Yah! Yeah! - [Screams.]
[Laughs.]
Boys rule! Well, yeah, I don't know, mom.
Well, I'm not a vet.
[Vocal electronic music.]
[entrance bell rings.]
Doesn't want to talk to you every day - because you drive him crazy.
- Oh, the dickhead.
Where are they? Whoa! - What? - Uh-oh.
- What? - Future babes.
They never give up, man.
They remind me a lot of myself when I was a future babe.
You know, my manager at Togo's always said, "you'll never amount to anything.
" But look at me now! Look at me now! - Hey, Blake.
- What? - No one asked! - [Screams.]
Get off me.
Oh, my God.
We lose 'em? I think so.
Clutch driving, Ders.
Whoa! - Whoa! - Oh, my God! Both: That was awesome! - There's more of them.
- The juice! - How'd they find us? - Ahh Hey, clerk.
[Paper crinkles.]
Down here.
What are you doing? You see that lady over there? She's a shoplifter.
She's stealing.
Tampons.
She's a tampon thief.
You should interrogate her for, like, an hour.
Oh, who am I, you might wonder? I'm a citizen-hero.
Watch this.
Hi, good morning.
Just the coffee please.
Just the coffee? Why don't you show me your tampons? I'm sorry? Open the bag and show me the tampons.
Actually I don't have any, ass[bleep.]
, because I don't get my period anymore.
Why? Why don't you get your period anymore? Uhh I cant see! Your hair! Eat booze, little baby girls.
All right, I'm gonna turn around! - What? What do you mean? - Keep pedaling! Aah! - [Gasps.]
- Whoo! Both: Hi.
I hope these future babes brought their tongues.
Why, dude? Because they're about to taste laser.
Come on, get your mind out of the gutter, you sick freak.
I don't know.
- [Screams.]
- [Laughs.]
I got one! Eat laser, scummies! - Yeah! - [Screams.]
Sorry, chica.
Your ass is about to get kick-assed.
[Laughs.]
- Oh, no! - What? She put her little thing down.
Oh, she just flipped me off.
That wasn't nice.
[Slurps.]
[Mumbling.]
Good morning.
[Heavy metal music.]
[Entrance bell rings.]
Who this? Ders-ie, guess who's about to be skitching? - What? - Oh! Ow! - Ow! I slipped a disk.
- Adam? Adam? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? Are you okay? Pfft! Yeah.
Just blading on into work.
Going green.
Lot of people without cars, they blade all the time.
Jason Bateman blades.
Uh, Shaq doesn't own a car.
- He blades a lot.
- Yeah, uh Look, why don't you get in my car, okay? I'll give you a ride to work.
You don't look so good.
[Scoffs.]
Doubt it.
Hey, give me back my bike! Hey, suck my di ass! - Suck my ass.
- Yeah, he said, "ass"! Uh-oh, blazer, hold on! We're about to bunny hop this muh Y'all ain't gonna be able to make it! Oh, Ders, be careful! I'm sick and tired of being careful! But aah! [Bleep.]
you! My stepdad's gonna find you and beat your ass! Jillian, hey, how are we doing with those codes? Not good.
I messed up, and I accidentally deleted Alice's outgoing message, and now I have to record a new one.
How does this sound? Hi, you've reached Alice.
I'm Alice, and this is my voice, and I'm the boss.
Leave a message.
Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause you seem really tired.
Hmm? Aah! I'm ready for work.
I just took a bunch of power medicine, so I'm ready for action.
Actually, you know what? You might want to go this direction instead of directly that way.
It's a quicker route.
Yeah, that's the complete opposite direction of the office.
Yeah, I know, I know that.
It's the scenic.
Do you like beauty? There's a volcano over there.
It's a new one.
It just sprouted.
In Rancho Cucamonga? Yeah, I don't know if you know our new catchphrase, but it's "Rancho Cucamonga, let's get prehistoric.
" [Imitates truck horn, cougar snarl.]
Hello, you've reached Alice.
I'm the boss, and I'm very angry most of the time.
I can't answer, 'cause I'm the boss.
Did I mention that? I'm Alice.
How was that, Blake? Jillian, you're the best.
[Sighs.]
- [Over phone.]
Blake! - Blake! Whoa, dude! - What, man? I'm here.
- Dude, wake up! - Come on, man.
- The pills So I know I was really tough on you guys yesterday, and I just wanted to say how sorry I was.
It's just been kind of a nightmare of a week.
My sister just found out these test results, and it could be really serious.
Dude, wake up! I can't see! Move your hair! I can't see! - Move your hair.
- Move your hair! [Tires screech.]
Oh, [bleep.]
! Blake? Are you o Ders, where are you going? Where are you go Okay, Blake, I'm gonna call someone.
Ders! Ders, where are you? Okay.
All right, what are we doing? What are we doing! - Jillian! - I'm close.
I've got her birthday, social security number, ATM, height, weight, skull circumference.
- Move! - What are you doing? - The only thing I can do.
- Holmvik! Put it down.
Put it I said! Zzz! Hup! Aah! So I know all this might sound weird to you, but to me it's just OCD, you know.
And I'm not suffering from it, Alice, I'm living with it.
Right.
So your OCD makes you weigh people's phones? Yeah.
And that's what I was doing.
Yours is about, uh, That's fascinating.
Hey, why don't you go out into the parking lot and take care of your dumbass friends who are asleep there.
- That'd be great, champs, okay? - Very good.
Thank you.
If you catch me weighing anybody else's, just give me like a We'll figure it out.
Hey, wait! Were you trying to listen to my messages? This is saying I'm locked out of the system for 24 hours for entering the wrong password too many times.
No, I was, uh, weighing your phone.
That was me.
Uh, I was just trying to be the best assistant I could be.
Jillian, it's your birthday.
Really? Today? No, my password is your birthday.
Well, color me flattered.
Jillian, you set it up, remember? Oh, now I do.
But you never changed it.
Could've changed it.
Didn't.
Jillian, I thought telling you to stay the eff away from it [bleep.]
would be enough, but apparently it's not.
So I'm just gonna tell you, if you go near my phone again, you'll be back washing dishes at Shakey's.
I watched dishes.
I didn't wash them.
There should be a warning right on the label.
"It's not power medicine.
You're not gonna gain strength.
You're gonna go to sleep.
" - It's P.
M.
- Who woulda thunk.
Dude, how hard did Alice snap on us today? Crazy, right? - Somebody needs to get twirked.
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna be the one twirking her, if she treats me like that, and I'm a good twirker.
- We know.
We hear you.
- You're a great twirker.
She doesn't even deserve one ounce of your twirk.
You got to move your hips like a figure eight.
Damn.
Yep, there it is.
She's a freaking trick-ass b-yotch.
She is, yeah.
And I almost feel like calling her up again and giving her a piece of my mind.
Been there, huh? I thought of the best one today.
I was like You know how you're always like, "oh, man, I wish I could have said that," after some stuff just happened? - Always.
- That's what happened.
- What was it? - Do it.
No, I don't think I You got to, man, if it's that good.
It's ringing, it's ringing.
- Shhh, shhh, shhh.
- I can't wait to hear it.
Hello? Alice? Uh, this is, uh, not Adam.
You are a [bleep.]
.
You're a [bleep.]
.
You're a dumb [bleep.]
.
- You thought of that today? - Yeah, earlier.
That's what they're there for.
That's fun.
Dude, if she was here right now, I've drank enough, to the point where I would go right to her face, and I would say, "you're dumb and no one loves you.
" I'd say that to her.
That was really good.
You should tell that to her face.
- Yeah, I totally would.
- Through her ear hole, which is in her face, 'cause I just called her work phone.
- What? - Did you? - I did.
- It's her voicemail.
Leave a voicemail.
Hey, Alice, this is Blake.
And I just thought that maybe you should Stick a fork up your butt and eat poo, because you're a dickhead.
- [Rap music.]
- Oh, my God.
It's so sad how much you love me and you look at me from a distance and you get all juicy in your pants.
You might be the boss, but you, ma'am, - are no leader.
- Yeah! And one time I heard you queef.
Slam! Get amped on Demamp! Cornhuskers [bleep.]
rule! Tits are rad! Not yours though.
I bet they're c-caved.
You don't know how to delegate.
You don't know how to motivate.
And you sure as hell can't encourage any kind of innovation.
Let the boys be boys.
Slam! Why aren't you getting laid? What, is your vagina webbed? Go shave your muff! Suck it.
Bitch, you got too many teeth in your mouth.
[Screams.]
Yo, you look like you smoke, and I know that you don't.
So that hits even closer to home.
I hate you.
I hate you.
- Yep, yep.
- I hate you.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! - I hate her.
- Yeah.
[Birds chirping.]
[Cell phone buzzes.]
Oh, no.
Dude.
Dude, the voicemails! - Wake up Demamp! - Hmm? Where's Blake? - What? - Blake! Yo.
How did you [Softly.]
I don't know.
Blake, s'go.
Alice gets to the office five minutes early every day, which gives us 29 minutes to beat her there and delete those messages.
That's weird.
I don't even feel hungover.
I drank, like, 17 beers, and I feel way better than I normal do.
Yeah, you know, maybe as you get older you get better at hangovers.
That has to be a fact.
[Crash.]
All: Whoa! - Jesus.
- What the Guys, we're still drunk.
We got to take the bus.
Let's go! - Yep, I'll meet you guys there.
- Wait, where are you going? - Inside.
We need beers.
- Wait, no! Beers is what got us in this situation.
Yeah, and it's what's gonna get us out.
We're drunk right now, and we feel great, right? If this hangover kicks in - We're screwed.
- He's right, we have no choice.
We have to stay drunk till we get to the office.
Oh, and I'll get my sharper image breathalyzer key chain from the car.
That way, we can monitor our blood alcohol level, guys.
Yeah! Blood alcohol level! Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Adam! Let me get tecates and a couple of limes, okay? - You got it.
- Oh, and Adam? Thank you for being a true Braj.
You're welcome, Braj.
- Stay up.
- I will.
Both: Always.
- Come on, let's go.
- Always, man.
True soldiers, for real.
- Dude! - You're my best friend! - You're my best friend, dude! - Come on! I love that guy, man! - Damn, I forgot a belt! - Shhh.
- [Cell phone rings.]
- Yo-ba sayo.
Jillian, it's Anders.
Listen to me.
I need you to go into Alice's voicemail and delete all her messages before she gets in today.
Oh, I would happily do that, but it's password-protected.
What? You're her assistant.
You don't access to her voicemails? Her mom kept leaving these mean messages about how Alice was a bad daughter, so I couldn't take it, and I finally just called her and I said, "look, lady, shut your mouth and find a [bleep.]
hobby.
" [Techno music.]
And I've had it up to here with the static in the ocean sweet and salty in the sky it's a level of devotion Ders, I'm fading! Breathalyze me! - She's a grown adult - Here it is.
That looks like a baby.
[Music continues.]
on a skateboard, tattooing up your mind coming through! Hustle.
Whoo! Jillian, I just need you to figure out this password, get in there and delete those voicemails.
- Tell me you can do that.
- I'd say yeah Considering I know Alice Murray better than she knows herself.
It's Alice Murphy, actually.
Damn it! I just blew a .
09.
Where is Adam with those beers? Man, I can't get a hangover.
You know how I am when I have a hangover.
I'm bitchy.
I'm very bitchy.
[Device beeps.]
.
10.
We are dangerously close to being hungover.
- [Clock ticking.]
- Oh, I feel a headache.
Feel a headache.
- Oh, here we go.
- Where are the beers? They're all gone, man.
They're all gone, man! - Living that blade life - What are you talking about? I just saw you drink one right now.
Yeah, the last one, Ders.
Think, speak.
Okay, well, I know we had more than one beer in the house.
- No, we had four.
- Uh-huh.
But there's three of us.
And 1 1/2 beers each That's not enough to get us kablamo-ed.
But for one person, that might be enough to take us to the level.
Let me hit this, 'cause I'm feeling ripe.
[Device beeps.]
Whoa.
I'm level That's a .
25.
- Holy - I'm leveled! - Here we go, here we go.
- Hey, right here! - Come on.
- Whoa, front of the line.
Excuse me, folks.
We got an emergency, here.
Come on, come on.
Hey, okay, would you just be a bus angel and drive us right to Telamericorp, no stops or anything? We've got a work emergency.
You got some brats on the bus? Or a churro? I'm starving right now.
Guys, we're not going anywhere till everyone's on the bus.
So sit down.
Let's go! Come on! Time to go.
[Claps.]
Just follow this laser pointer.
We got some open seats right in the back, right down there, if you want to see that.
Adam, help this guy out with his money, please.
- You got money in here? - Help him out.
What are you doing? Stop it.
Handkerchief.
Gross.
Sir, you're never gonna catch any fish if you take this long, come on.
Tuck the pole.
Watch your eyes, everybody.
- What are you doing? - I'm skitching.
No, you are not skitching.
Let's go.
Adam, we will next time, I promise.
Come on.
[Overlapping cheers, whistle.]
- We did it again.
- We did it! And I thought we weren't gonna make it.
We'll be fine now.
Once again, does anybody have any beer? Anybody? Any kind of alcohol? - No? - Thank you all for your help.
- Yeah.
Hey, what the heck? - Good stuff.
Excuse me, sir.
You're not going straight to the office like I asked you.
- No, this isn't the Ders way.
- I love the Ders way.
Why aren't we going the Ders way? - The Ders way's a good way.
- Triple-left, center, right.
You guys never told me you liked my way.
I'm glad that you like it.
It's a good Oh, my God! Get down! - What? - Get down! It's Alice! Excuse me, sir! Listen, we're just a couple of young bucks chasing the American dream, and we made a big mistake.
Behind the line.
Okay, haven't you ever screwed the pooch? You ever wanted a do-over? If so, I'm begging you to go straight to 24th and Crocker - without any stops.
- 24th and Crocker? - Yeah.
- That's 11 stops.
So what? You're perfect? I'm looking at the goddamn mom Teresa in front of me? I've told my boss I wanted to cover her in cinnamon toast crunch dust and then suck her I'm warning you, if you don't sit down, I will have you removed from this bus.
I'm okay with that, considering There's a bomb on the bus! If we go below 50 Miles per hour or don't go directly to Telamericorp, - we're all going to explode! - What did you say? I said, "there's a bomb on this bus!" - Son, I need to know - Oh! Watch out! Oh! Whoa! Cans! It was just cans.
It was a Mexi-can.
Oh, oh, man.
Oh, he's fine.
- Oh.
- Hey, he's all good.
Don't move! Don't move! You were just hit by a bus, buddy.
Suck it up.
Oh, oh, man.
No, I can't do this.
I can't take it.
[Device beeps.]
- [Coughs.]
- .
06.
I've never been so not drunk in my life, man.
- I'm about to be hungover, dude! - No! We are not giving up! Okay? We're gonna go in that liquor store, and I will buy us some booze to replenish our body with liquor.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Ders, I might need to borrow a dollar or two.
- What do you mean? - I'm not - Feeling - Oh, he's passing out! - He's wasted! - I don't feel good.
- Are you okay? - S'go without me.
- Go without you? - Yes.
- Both: Okay.
- We'll be right back.
- [Car horn honks.]
- Actually, carry me.
It's very dangerous out here.
Yeah.
We're so close, we're so close.
[Car horn honking.]
All right, thank you, ma'am.
Don't act like you never passed out in the street with rollerblades before! Come on.
Energy drinks and beer! Where? All over the store.
Everywhere.
- Hurry up, dude.
- Feel good, then not so good.
This rock star needs a monster can of red bull.
Now.
- Oh, God.
Oh! - Just sit down.
You're good.
Let's get this.
- Come on.
- Tap it, and there it is.
Remember that? It's all natural.
- What do you need? - Burrito.
- Handle that, okay? - Burrito? Yes, yes.
A little more of the medicine.
There it is.
The doctor ordered some go juice.
The doctor prescribed some go juice! There you go.
Drink up.
What a good little baby.
- Burritos.
- Check it out painkillers.
Let's kill the pain.
Kill the pain in my brain, man.
Jillian, what's the haps on the craps? It's all taken care of.
What? You deleted the voicemails? Yep.
I did a great job.
- [Titters.]
- Who is this? This is Anders.
Oh, Ders! No, I have not started yet.
- What? - I'm starting right now.
I swear.
I just had to send out this e-vite to my landlord.
And then Montez sent out this funny video of just dads sneezing.
It's hysterical.
[Laughs.]
It's funny, 'cause it's dads.
Jillian, turn it off, and get to it, okay? We need you.
[Beep.]
- She what are those? - They're headache pills.
We're taking 'em just in case the beer wears off.
- Pretty smart, huh? - Yeah, but that's P.
M.
Yeah, "P.
M.
" that's "power medicine," man.
You take it to gain more power in oneself.
Guys, those are sleeping pills.
Whatever, dude.
I'm gonna go nuke this 'rito.
Cheers.
Thanks for saving my life.
Ders, check it out! Yo, Ders.
Ders! I think I just found our ride to work.
You think you can handle those future babes? Dude, get with it, okay? They're gonna act all bitchy, because they know they're gonna grow up and be hot.
We can't take a run at 'em yet.
All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind riding that mongoose.
Come on, dude.
They're like 15, tops.
I'm talking about the bike, you sick freak.
I'm sorry.
You know I'm a Bianchi guy.
Adam, come on! Let's ride! - [Microwave beeps.]
- 90 seconds.
Come on.
We need to go now! No.
I'm starving! Dude, we're 15 minutes from losing everything.
I'm gonna buy this burrito, Ders.
And then I'm gonna eat it! It's just bean and cheese, man.
Still a burrito, man! I hope you know what you're doing, man.
Here, come on.
Let's go.
Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, man.
Hey-hey, young ladies.
How are you guys doing? - Choco tacos.
Nice.
- A choco taco, it's perfect.
It's, like it's something that was perfect a taco And then got more perfecter.
So, yes, wise selection.
Whoa, man! Look at these cool bikes! What do you say? Uh, we're all young adults.
Want to let us hop on for a little ride? Why don't you guys go ride each other? Yeah? And you should fricking roll up your pant leg.
Why? Because you can't ride a bike in jeans.
- Yah! Yeah! - [Screams.]
[Laughs.]
Boys rule! Well, yeah, I don't know, mom.
Well, I'm not a vet.
[Vocal electronic music.]
[entrance bell rings.]
Doesn't want to talk to you every day - because you drive him crazy.
- Oh, the dickhead.
Where are they? Whoa! - What? - Uh-oh.
- What? - Future babes.
They never give up, man.
They remind me a lot of myself when I was a future babe.
You know, my manager at Togo's always said, "you'll never amount to anything.
" But look at me now! Look at me now! - Hey, Blake.
- What? - No one asked! - [Screams.]
Get off me.
Oh, my God.
We lose 'em? I think so.
Clutch driving, Ders.
Whoa! - Whoa! - Oh, my God! Both: That was awesome! - There's more of them.
- The juice! - How'd they find us? - Ahh Hey, clerk.
[Paper crinkles.]
Down here.
What are you doing? You see that lady over there? She's a shoplifter.
She's stealing.
Tampons.
She's a tampon thief.
You should interrogate her for, like, an hour.
Oh, who am I, you might wonder? I'm a citizen-hero.
Watch this.
Hi, good morning.
Just the coffee please.
Just the coffee? Why don't you show me your tampons? I'm sorry? Open the bag and show me the tampons.
Actually I don't have any, ass[bleep.]
, because I don't get my period anymore.
Why? Why don't you get your period anymore? Uhh I cant see! Your hair! Eat booze, little baby girls.
All right, I'm gonna turn around! - What? What do you mean? - Keep pedaling! Aah! - [Gasps.]
- Whoo! Both: Hi.
I hope these future babes brought their tongues.
Why, dude? Because they're about to taste laser.
Come on, get your mind out of the gutter, you sick freak.
I don't know.
- [Screams.]
- [Laughs.]
I got one! Eat laser, scummies! - Yeah! - [Screams.]
Sorry, chica.
Your ass is about to get kick-assed.
[Laughs.]
- Oh, no! - What? She put her little thing down.
Oh, she just flipped me off.
That wasn't nice.
[Slurps.]
[Mumbling.]
Good morning.
[Heavy metal music.]
[Entrance bell rings.]
Who this? Ders-ie, guess who's about to be skitching? - What? - Oh! Ow! - Ow! I slipped a disk.
- Adam? Adam? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? Are you okay? Pfft! Yeah.
Just blading on into work.
Going green.
Lot of people without cars, they blade all the time.
Jason Bateman blades.
Uh, Shaq doesn't own a car.
- He blades a lot.
- Yeah, uh Look, why don't you get in my car, okay? I'll give you a ride to work.
You don't look so good.
[Scoffs.]
Doubt it.
Hey, give me back my bike! Hey, suck my di ass! - Suck my ass.
- Yeah, he said, "ass"! Uh-oh, blazer, hold on! We're about to bunny hop this muh Y'all ain't gonna be able to make it! Oh, Ders, be careful! I'm sick and tired of being careful! But aah! [Bleep.]
you! My stepdad's gonna find you and beat your ass! Jillian, hey, how are we doing with those codes? Not good.
I messed up, and I accidentally deleted Alice's outgoing message, and now I have to record a new one.
How does this sound? Hi, you've reached Alice.
I'm Alice, and this is my voice, and I'm the boss.
Leave a message.
Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause you seem really tired.
Hmm? Aah! I'm ready for work.
I just took a bunch of power medicine, so I'm ready for action.
Actually, you know what? You might want to go this direction instead of directly that way.
It's a quicker route.
Yeah, that's the complete opposite direction of the office.
Yeah, I know, I know that.
It's the scenic.
Do you like beauty? There's a volcano over there.
It's a new one.
It just sprouted.
In Rancho Cucamonga? Yeah, I don't know if you know our new catchphrase, but it's "Rancho Cucamonga, let's get prehistoric.
" [Imitates truck horn, cougar snarl.]
Hello, you've reached Alice.
I'm the boss, and I'm very angry most of the time.
I can't answer, 'cause I'm the boss.
Did I mention that? I'm Alice.
How was that, Blake? Jillian, you're the best.
[Sighs.]
- [Over phone.]
Blake! - Blake! Whoa, dude! - What, man? I'm here.
- Dude, wake up! - Come on, man.
- The pills So I know I was really tough on you guys yesterday, and I just wanted to say how sorry I was.
It's just been kind of a nightmare of a week.
My sister just found out these test results, and it could be really serious.
Dude, wake up! I can't see! Move your hair! I can't see! - Move your hair.
- Move your hair! [Tires screech.]
Oh, [bleep.]
! Blake? Are you o Ders, where are you going? Where are you go Okay, Blake, I'm gonna call someone.
Ders! Ders, where are you? Okay.
All right, what are we doing? What are we doing! - Jillian! - I'm close.
I've got her birthday, social security number, ATM, height, weight, skull circumference.
- Move! - What are you doing? - The only thing I can do.
- Holmvik! Put it down.
Put it I said! Zzz! Hup! Aah! So I know all this might sound weird to you, but to me it's just OCD, you know.
And I'm not suffering from it, Alice, I'm living with it.
Right.
So your OCD makes you weigh people's phones? Yeah.
And that's what I was doing.
Yours is about, uh, That's fascinating.
Hey, why don't you go out into the parking lot and take care of your dumbass friends who are asleep there.
- That'd be great, champs, okay? - Very good.
Thank you.
If you catch me weighing anybody else's, just give me like a We'll figure it out.
Hey, wait! Were you trying to listen to my messages? This is saying I'm locked out of the system for 24 hours for entering the wrong password too many times.
No, I was, uh, weighing your phone.
That was me.
Uh, I was just trying to be the best assistant I could be.
Jillian, it's your birthday.
Really? Today? No, my password is your birthday.
Well, color me flattered.
Jillian, you set it up, remember? Oh, now I do.
But you never changed it.
Could've changed it.
Didn't.
Jillian, I thought telling you to stay the eff away from it [bleep.]
would be enough, but apparently it's not.
So I'm just gonna tell you, if you go near my phone again, you'll be back washing dishes at Shakey's.
I watched dishes.
I didn't wash them.
There should be a warning right on the label.
"It's not power medicine.
You're not gonna gain strength.
You're gonna go to sleep.
" - It's P.
M.
- Who woulda thunk.
Dude, how hard did Alice snap on us today? Crazy, right? - Somebody needs to get twirked.
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna be the one twirking her, if she treats me like that, and I'm a good twirker.
- We know.
We hear you.
- You're a great twirker.
She doesn't even deserve one ounce of your twirk.
You got to move your hips like a figure eight.
Damn.
Yep, there it is.
She's a freaking trick-ass b-yotch.
She is, yeah.
And I almost feel like calling her up again and giving her a piece of my mind.
Been there, huh? I thought of the best one today.
I was like You know how you're always like, "oh, man, I wish I could have said that," after some stuff just happened? - Always.
- That's what happened.
- What was it? - Do it.
No, I don't think I You got to, man, if it's that good.
It's ringing, it's ringing.
- Shhh, shhh, shhh.
- I can't wait to hear it.
Hello? Alice? Uh, this is, uh, not Adam.
You are a [bleep.]
.
You're a [bleep.]
.
You're a dumb [bleep.]
.
- You thought of that today? - Yeah, earlier.