Xena: Warrior Princess s03e08 Episode Script

THE KING OF ASSASSINS Last chance.
Where's Melkray headed? Oh-- you'll just have to figure that out.
See, Melkray and me-- we're friends to the end.
I personally led his private guard when we destroyed the army of Lindmuth not that Lindmuth had much of an army.
I've seen better warriors in a schoolyard.
Well, school's out.
Meet some of the warriors from Lindmuth's army--your new roomies.
He's heading towards Parsipedus He's taking the road through the mountains.
He's camping by the lake! He wears red leather armor, and he--sleeps with his back to the door! All right, all right.
You-- put him in a cell on his own.
If you're telling the truth, I'll be back.
If not-- you rot.
Come on! Joxer the Mighty.
I roam through the country-side.
I never need a place to hide.
With Gabby as his sidekick.
Joxer? Xena! You're here.
Word must be out on me.
There's blood on my hands.
Looks like you've been pecked by a chicken.
It was my prize chicken.
That's what he gets for stealing it.
I didn't steal it.
I liberated it! But I came this close to murder.
Those little beaks are sharp.
I'll pay for the chicken.
Joxer, go into town; tell Gabrielle I've gone to Parsipedus.
Xena, it's only a matter of time.
These hands are lethal weapons, and there is no telling what they might do.
Joxer, you can barely kill time.
It's just not you.
Good boy.
With a few changes, it could be me! Could be me.
Easy, now.
Nice and slow.
Hurry! Uh-uh-uh-uh-- patience.
A good thief-- like a good lover-- takes his time-- has patience.
Just-- get the sword.
You see, the security system is pressure-sensored.
I wouldn't want to upset the delicate balance now, would we? Shut up! Oh-ho-ho-ho-- diamonds and rubies-- and pearls.
Oh, my! Well,that wasn't so bad.
Shall we? What in Tartarus?! Hey! That's my sword! What was that all about?! He was a warlord; no one will mourn his death.
Well, that may be, but cold-blooded murder was not part of the plan.
I don't do murder.
You'd better get used to it! A good assassin does many.
Anyway--stealing a sword is only one part of my plan.
Does your plan, by chance, involve any other murders? Count on it.
Fishcakes! Well-- I guess I won't be needing this, anymore.
Get ready for Joxer, the Dangerous.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, uh-- you? Now, take it easy.
I can explain everything.
Don't-- don't get carried away.
Where? Here-- here-- here's your sword.
There you go.
Oh, listen, I think you've got -- No, I didn't mean to take it with me.
You know, I'm gonna tell you something.
I've been checking on you, and the word on the street is that you are-- the best.
Ha!You are-- the man.
Ha-ha-ha.
You're just-- a little too dangerous for me.
Ah, listen.
I think y-- yeah, I, um-- I am pretty dangerous--aren't I? -So, you're OK with this, then? -Yeah! -No hard feelings? -No We're both professionals, of course.
Sure! You go your way, and I'll go mine.
But first, you're gonna tell me how dangerous I am.
Ah, well, I certainly know that the people you're hired to take care of always manage to, uh-- go away.
And that, uh-- just being around you is very, um-- dangerous.
Yeah-- as a matter of fact, danger is my middle name-- 'D-A-N-J--aaahhhhhhh! Three hours, Joxer.
I waited for you for three hours-- with a bunch of drunken, horny half-wits! Ow! I have been grabbed more times than the golden fleece! Gabrielle, what are you doing? This man is a killer! I saw him murder a man, last night.
Him? He was in prison last night for chicken theft.
Well, then who-- ? But he looked exactly like you-- same long,ferret face; beady eyes; slack jaw; pasty-- OK, I got it; I got it! Another man looks like Joxer? If he's an assassin, it's probably my brother, Jet.
Jet.
Brother? You mean to tell me that this guy is not a cold, calculating assassin? Him? Let me tell you what the real Joxer is like.
Dangerous, huh? You want dangerous? I'll give you dangerous! Wait! Now let's just calm down, and-- and figure this out.
OK.
Now-- why is it that you never mentioned that you had a brother? 'Cause I was embarassed, OK? OK-- I guess it would-- would be hard-- knowing that your brother is an assassin.
You don't know the half of it! My whole life's been, 'Jet stole some horses; Jet torched a village; Jet killed the neighbors My parents were so proud.
Whoa-- back up.
They were proud of the black sheep of the family? No, I'm the black sheep.
My father's a warlord.
My mother's a warlord's wife.
My whole family's like that.
But, Jet-- how do you compete with an over-achiever like that? We stop him.
Excuse me? Jet-- he's going to murder someone and we have to stop him.
Who could it be? He wanted you to steal the sword and then kill someone with it.
Yeah.
Now, wait a minute.
And then frame the owner of the sword, and nobody would be the wiser.
Sure.
You follow me? Not in a million years-- the owner of the sword happens to be dead.
He was some bigshot warlord-- no one's gonna miss him.
Yeah.
Still-- the murder weapon would be untraceable.
But who could the target be? Oh, well-- you know-- Jet doesn't work cheaply, so it's probably a bigwig.
He hires a thief to steal a weapon-- placing the weapon in the room before the murder.
It's clever.
I know what we have to do.
Well-- I hope it includes Xena, because it's not going to include me.
Autolycus, you have to go through with this.
When he makes contact with you, we will set a trap and catch him in the act.
Mmmm-- Mm-hmm.
It's a good plan.
Hey, I've been watching Xena; I know how she thinks.
All right, let me get this straight.
You want me to sneak the murder weapon into a castle, to stop his lunatic brother from assassinating someone we don't even know, for no gain whatsoever? Exactly.
I don't think so-- I'm not as dumb as he looks.
Yeah, I'm not half as d-- Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die.
No he isn't, because he's leaving.
Goodbye.
If Jet is not captured, he'll know you ran out on him, and he'll hunt you down.
That's a risk I'll happily take.
It's a chance to do something really good.
Hah.
And get a big reward.
Oh, she had to say the R word.
Ahh.
Come here! Come here! What's this?! Get out of here! Hold it right there.
Well-- this should be interesting.
No one with a weapon gets inside that castle.
Yeah-- interesting.
Hmm.
Hmm.
The security must be here because Jet's target has arrived.
Ah-hah.
Huh.
Could be.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm.
There's a concept called personal space.
Look into it.
Hey, I'm just trying to broaden my knowledge.
You might be the King of Thieves, but I am Master of Mayhem.
There's a lot we can learn from each other, you know.
Sure.
Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace? OK.
First-- Why exactly is he here? He knows Jet.
No, in a grander sense.
Why is he here? OK, here's the plan.
When you get inside, go to the room Jet told you to go to.
Leave the sword where he said to leave it, and wait for him to make contact.
What if, in the process-- he kills the person with the sword, because he found it where I put it? Well, if it were as simple as murder, he would have done that by now.
Yeah.
There has to be a second part.
He won't kill right away.
So, you're saying this is what Xena would do.
Oh, yes-- mostly-- probably.
Look-- she did the same thing when she had to sneak a baby into King Gregor's castle.
King Gregor was killed by a baby? When you get into the room, drop a rope outside the window, and we'll climb up.
Right now, just concentrate on getting that sword past the dog.
Please-- after all, you are dealing with-- the King of Thieves.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You-- Master Moron-- let's go.
All right now, Joxer, listen to me very carefully.
I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get that guard, knock him out, drag him into the woods, take his uniform, and sneak into the castle-- right? Yeah-- something like that.
Hey, you've got strong hands.
Sure-- like a killer.
All right, Killer, here.
Hold your hand out like that.
Like that? Yeah-- like you're gonna grab something really hard.
-Like that? -You ready? -Yeah-- -Yeah, now grab! - Wo -Guards! Oh-- oh, oh, Lady.
Oh, Lady.
Oh, Lady.
Can you believe that?! He was fondling her behind! -You fondled her behind?! No, I did not.
I can't believe that you did that.
I can't believe that you did that! OK-- I'll take care of him.
Yo! Worthless excuse for a husband! Come on! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You sure handled that rift-raft pretty well.
Yeah, I like to think so.
I think you've got 'Captain of the Guards' written all over you.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
It's been a long time coming.
Oh, I'll bet it has.
Well, you keep up the good work, huh? Yeah-- I'll do that.
Well-- ha-ha-- ha.
I do love my work.
This way, your Highness.
Remove her robe.
Ooh, by all means.
Hang this up.
Oh, there's a word for people like me-- lucky.
Your bath is ready, Queen Cleopatra.
Cleopatra? Ho! I've died and gone to Olympus.
Cover her! Almost to the top.
OK-- back to the show.
Get up! Is there a Plan B? Yeah-- we let the guards take us prisoner and throw us into the dungeon.
That's the dumbest idea-- I have ever-- helper.
That's better.
Gently.
Here we go-- nice and easy.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Get into the bath.
Oh--boy.
Turn around, Cleo.
One moment! Ahhh.
You wish to see me, my Queen? Yes.
I am impatient, Pontius.
I have been here three days and yet, no one has come.
The invitations were only sent out yesterday.
By dusk tomorrow,you will have your choice of armies.
I want the best.
My future is riding on this.
Ptolemy is sure to know where you are by now.
There can be no reconciliation with my brother.
Ptolemy has stolen my throne.
I am the rightful ruler of Egypt-- by birth and by the will of the people.
I intend to have the best army Greece has to offer-- Sword-- right, right here.
-- march into Egypt-- All right-- the sword.
-- and take back what is mine.
Yes, my Queen.
No one can fault you for taking back what is rightfully yours.
Who are you? Who am I? Who am I? Uh-- that's a very good question.
Under the circumstances, I would say that is an excellent question.
I don't waste my time with bad thieves.
Bad thie-- ? I'll have you know, I am the King of-- security for my boss, who's a great warrior-- who happens to have more than a passing interest in your charms-- uh,your charming offer to invade Egypt.
Go on.
And-- well, I-- check out the security before my boss goes anywhere, and, uh--ha-ha-- I gotta tell ya-- this place is lacking.
My chief of security is very good at what he does.
You must just be very good at what you do.
You don't know the half-- Still-- give me one good reason why I shouldn't call him now.
One reason, one reason-- yes, well, uh-- you're looking for the best warrior.
I happen to work for the best.
Surely you've heard of-- Xena.
Ahhh.
Ohhhh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I think I bruised my brain.
Gabrielle-- do you see a bruise here? It's just a minor setback.
No plan is foolproof.
It depends on the fool.
They're going to question us.
We have to get our stories straight.
I know, uh-- wait! We can tell them we're circus performers, and we were just rehearsing an act.
Where does it hurt? Right there.
Ow! My name is Pontius-- chief of security for Cleopatra.
Cleopatra? You were caught trying to break into the castle.
That is a very serious offense.
Have you ever heard of the world-famous Rigulian Sisters circus? Don't listen to her.
Look-- I know there's gonna be an assassination attempt on Queen Cleopatra, and I'm here to warn you.
Assassination? Alert the guard.
Lock all the gates until the intruder is found.
No one is allowed in or out.
Hmm, we'd heard that Ptolemy might try this.
I'm afraid I can't let you leave the castle right now, but please-- stay-- as guests of the Queen.
Release them.
The man is a genious.
That's the assassin you hired? First-- he manages to get himself into the castle.
Next-- he gives me a legitimate reason to lock all the doors.
When he kills Cleopatra, Ptolemy's gonna make me a very wealthy man.
Who's the girl? Oh, he's a man's man.
The girl is obvious.
She's certainly not here to think.
What were you thinking? There's no reason for both of us to get the ax.
What's that? Look-- I'm sorry,Gabrielle.
This is for your own protection.
My brother's a killer.
I don't want you in the way when I stop him.
Joxer! Thank you, my good man.
Thank you very much.
Now, when Cleopatra's ready to finish our little chat, you just come and get me, all right? Here's a little something for your troubles.
Anytime-- anytime, indeed.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, hello there.
You can call me Auto.
Can I call you Cleo? So soon? Well-- can't say as I blame her.
You? What took you so long? Hey, where's Gabrielle? You know what? Never mind.
You just tell her I've got everything under control.
Now, beat it.
Ha-ha-ha.
What a loser! Ah-- oh-- ah! Oh, Jet.
Hello, and how nice to see you again.
Ah-- easy on the throat, can you? I've got this silly little breathing habit.
I barely made it in before they locked the doors.
You know what puts me in a foul mood, Autolycus? When my business partners-- run out on me.
Is that what you think? I'm shocked.
You're deceased.
Then what was I doing in Cleopatra's room , huh? Just following your orders.
Where's the sword? In her chambers, right where you wanted it.
When we got separated, I thought I'd go ahead with the plan, because I knew you'd show up Good-- wait here while I kill her.
Sure, I-- ooh! Now? You mean, there isn't a-- second part to your plan? No.
Oh, uh-- see-- that's a bad idea.
'Cause, uh, security-- well, it's on high alert-- and, uh-- there's guards-- all through the chambers-- and no one-- I mean,no one, gets in to see her.
Autolycus-- Cleopatra will see you now.
Except me.
You're good.
Once you're inside-- dismiss Cleopatra's guards.
That'll be-- my signal-- to strike.
You need help.
Gabrielle, you have a plan.
Nothing is set in stone.
Flexibility-- that's the key! What would Xena do? I hope you don't mind.
I find a bath can be quite relaxing during negotiations--unless it distracts you.
Distracts me? Beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub? Where was I? We were negotiating for your client's services.
Ah, yes-- but I think I should warn you, Cleopatra.
I drive a hard bargain.
Mm-hmm.
I think you'll find my offer quite, um-- generous.
No doubt.
You certainly have a lot of-- assets.
Mm-hmm.
But, how will I know what you have to offer will satisfy me? Well, let's just say, I've never had any complaints.
Mmm.
But I'm reluctant to dive right in.
You see, first, I need to know-- when-- where--and how often? I'll let you know as soon as you make a firm offer.
Are you firm yet, Autolycus? I don't know.
I haven't seen your bottom line.
Let's put this deal to bed, shall we? Oooh-- love to.
Guards! Leave us! Guards-- leave us! No-- no, wait, uh-- they have to stay.
Any business transaction requires-- witnesses.
Kinky.
I've just cut off the flow of blood to your limbs.
The numbness is setting in.
Nope! I seem to be fine.
Don't do that.
Uh! I didn't want to resort to violence, but lives are at stake! Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer.
Joxer, Joxer.
You are so lucky you're still alive, right now.
Don't you ever lock me in a cell like that, again.
Now, we have to get this plan back on track.
Have you seen your brother? No, I haven't, but he must be around here, somewhere.
Well, look-- let's just split up.
Now, if I see him, I'll come and find you.
I think you can handle your brother better than I can.
I'll probably get myself killed,or-- No,no-- he'd never kill you Deep down inside, he's got a heart of gold.
I'm the loser.
Don't say that about yourself.
You are worth a thousand Jets.
You don't know how long I've waited for this moment all the years of torment; all the teasing.
It all ends here, my brother.
And you know what? I'm gonna give you-- the first move-- but beware.
You're fighting Joxer-- the Mighty.
Kind of like looking in the mirror-- eh, Brother? Been a long time, Joxer.
But you got this coming to ya.
No! Come here! You little ugly excuse for a brother! Give me a hug! Oh, Jet, don't! Don't! Ah! Ah, not that! Not the finger! Ow! Cut it out!I know you're after Cleopatra, and I'm not gonna let you do it! Make me.
Joxer and I don't-- -- have to! Jinx! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! You're a riot, Jox.
I don't know how you found out-- but seeing you sure explains a lot.
Hey-- nice clothes.
Thanks.
Copy-cat.
Hey-- is Jase here, too? Don't mention our brother's name in public.
Oh, yeah-- I forgot.
What's that? What? Ow! How long has it been? Five years? Six? Let me count the assassinations.
That's how I keep track.
Ax murder in Athens.
I'm serious! Things are different, now.
I've seen evil, and I've changed my ways! Bro-- if you saw evil-- you'd have to change your pants.
Look-- Xena taught me.
I travel with her, now.
Oh-- you're friends with Xena, now.
Maybe you taught Hercules a thing or two.
Oh-- Joxer, the tidy; He always inside-ey.
Never hurts the other boys, Even when they steal his toys.
Remember that one? Well, at least Mom sang to _me_.
Hey-- who's the cute little blonde who swings the mean stick? You lay one finger on her, and I will rip you apart with my bare ha-- You're not threatening me-- are you Jox? No.
Hey-- I missed ya.
We should get together.
But for now-- don't get in my way.
-Sorry, Brother-- I can't let you do it.
Ooohh! Mmm.
You do drive a hard bargain.
Consider our relationship--consummated.
Pleasure doing business with you, Cleo.
Why, thank you.
Oh, hot towel.
Well, I could get used to this in a hurry.
Hey,it feels pretty good.
A little lower, Sweetie.
Ow! Gabrielle? Sh.
Have you found Jet? Yes.
He's waiting nearby for the guards to leave, so he can come in and finish the job.
You know, for your information, there was no second part to his plan.
Why don't we just tell Cleopatra? No, no, no.
We have Jet right where we want him.
Now, I have to get to Pontius-- without raising suspicion.
I thought you had it all figured out.
Ah, Cleopatra.
I've got to talk to Pontius about your security.
I'd like to meet him in my room.
Ah, you, girl, go fetch him.
Yes, my Lord.
Until later, my Sweet.
Hmm-- I could find uses for that man.
Did I just see-- what I thought I saw? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Oh, Autolycus.
Thank goodness it's you.
It's me--Joxer! How can I be sure? I'm hanging from the wall by my underwear.
Good point.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! All right now, listen.
Jet is just waiting for those guards to leave.
Gabrielle is going to get Pontius.
So, with some luck, he'll be executed by nightfall, and I can get back to negotiating with Cleopatra.
Wait a minute; wait a minute.
He might be a killer, but he's still my brother.
Are you serious? What did you think was gonna happen? A slap on the wrist? The man is an assassin.
Oh, oh, and you're perfect, Autolycus? Look, look-- I just might be able to convince him to do good-- like Xena did for me-- and like Hercules did for you.
Two things.
One, I find it very hard to believe that this is the improved you; and two, I am only in this for the reward.
No-- you've got a good heart, Autolycus.
Well, that may be, but I'd like to keep it here beating happily in my chest.
And while Jet is alive, there is no guarantee of that.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, let's go.
Pontius-- it's me, it's Gabrielle.
Don't let the disguise fool you.
Now, look, we have the assassin cornered.
He's near Cleopatra's room.
If we move now, we can catch him.
Are you sure you know what he looks like? Yeah-- he looks like the guy I came here with.
Found him in the hallway.
Did you tell him? Mm-hmm.
This is what you're looking for.
Guards.
All part of Xena's plan, I'm sure.
I don't know what tavern you met this girl in, but she almost blew your entire plan.
What? Right-- Jet.
Your boss realized I knew who you were-- Jet.
Hmm--there's no stopping you now.
Why do you keep calling me-- ? Jet.
Becuase you're the best assassin, aren't you-- ? Jet.
Joxer-as- Oh-- oh-- yes, uh yes, I am.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-- ha-ha-ha.
Yes, um-- it was you and I all along! They were just dupes-- in-- my plan.
Ha-ha-- hmm.
Now-- nothing can stop us! Yes, yes of course.
Lock them in the dungeon.
Hey! Now-- assassin-- do your job.
It's brother against brother.
Oh, brother.
Well, there's one down.
You just had to tell 'em you're the King of Thieves.
Yeah, I worked hard for that title, Princess.
You know, this would be easy if I had my tools.
At least Joxer is still out there.
Ah yes, the rebel without a clue-- and the girl with a plan.
'I've been watching Xena.
This is what Xena would do.
' OK, so I'm not as good as Xena, but my plan would have worked if you had followed it instead of romancing Cleopatra.
Ho-ho! Now, you blaming me! Oh, that's rich.
You know, once-- I'd like to see one of your Xena plans-- actually work.
I'm going to be resting.
Do your security checks, then leave me.
So, Joxer-- is the only one out there trying to find Jet.
Now, I must be missing something, here.
Gabrielle, why didn't you just-- go to Cleopatra, and tell her when you knew she was a target? Ah-- now, Xena, that's easy for you to say.
You weren't there.
Gabrielle's plan kept Jet off-balance long enough to find a man on the inside-- right? Yeah-- that's right-- Pontius.
Pontius, exactly.
Now, frankly, I had my doubts that there was a man on the inside, but fortunately, Gabrielle insisted that we follow her plan.
Hmm.
Good plan.
Now-- Gabrielle, you find Joxer.
Autolycus, you find Jet.
I'm going to get to Cleopatra.
Right.
Thank you.
You may be a thief, but-- No, don't say it.
All right-- say it.
You have a heart of gold.
Aw-- ha-ha-ha.
Come on.
Time for blood.
Ah-- Cleopatra.
We have got-- what's with the veil? Oh-- oh-- I get it.
Ha-ha-ha.
Nice veil, ah, Cleopatra.
Ah, Joxer.
Jet? Joxer.
Wrong-- Jet.
Well, it doesn't matter who you are-- because I didn't put the sword where you told me to.
Oh? Only I know where it is.
Well, maybe you haven't noticed, it's not where you left it.
Ahh.
Uh! Ooh! Oh, I hate when I'm outbluffed.
First-- I'm gonna kill you-- and then I'm going to kill-- her.
Kill her? Ha-ha-ha.
That's a good one.
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Go ahead.
Show him what you're made out of-- Cleopatra.
Cleopatra? Now-- where was I? Oh, yeah-- murder.
Ooh! Jet.
Get outta here, right now! Put-- the sword down, Jet.
There's another way.
No, there isn't.
Believe me-- I've considered it.
I don't believe it.
Are you actually gonna fight me? I have to, Jet.
It's who I am, now.
Mom.
Where? What? Be nice.
Why, you-- Wow.
I told you to be nice.
We have company.
Ah! Huh! There we go.
Huh? How about some? Step right up! Step right up! Pick a number.
Huh? How are you? Here you go! Ha-ha-ha.
At least-- you'll die.
Nobody hurts my brother-- except me.
The local regent has offered to try Jet here in Miramus that is, with your permission.
I owe you my life.
That's not something I soon forget-- though I don't understand-- why the assassin can't be executed here.
Sadly, execution isn't recognized here in Miramus.
He'll be in prison for life.
Hmm.
Are you ever planning on coming to Egypt, Xena? If you do, send word.
I'll plan a reception the world won't soon forget.
Well-- was that my invitation to Egypt? That was a thank you.
My real kisses are a bit more-- intense.
I'm sorry, Jet.
No hard feelings.
Hey-- I hear they're sending me to prison in Miramus-- give me a chance to catch up with Dad.
Joxer-- you got a good thing going here.
Don't blow it.
Don't let anyone tell you who you are or who you could be-- that includes family.
Hey--hang onto that little blond.
She's pretty smart.
What's that? Well-- guess you're all just gonna be looking at me a little bit different, now.
Nope.
I think not.
Same old same old.