30 Rock s03e09 Episode Script

Which of these pictures do you like better? The one on the left? So the wacky one.
Sure.
What's the picture for? I'm giving the keynote address at the company's Six Sigma retreat to move forward in Croton-on-Hudson.
Is that like a corporate retreat? I used to have to perform at those all the time back when Jenna and I were in that improv troupe.
The audience suggestion is Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.
I sure do like them french fried pataters.
No, you don't, Oprah.
Jenna is not a great improviser.
To be honest I'm a little apprehensive about going to this thing.
I haven't seen a lot of these people since the CEO debacle and my time in the Bush administration.
You never really told me what happened in Washington.
Please be gentle.
The point is a lot has happened to me since the retreat last year.
So I hope that when I return, they still think of me as the same guy.
- You've got camp jitters.
- What? You haven't seen your little business camp friends in a year, and now you're afraid they gonna think you got weird.
The retreat to move forward is a global meeting of G.
E.
's best and brightest.
Careers are made there.
It would be helpful to have someone with me who's got my back.
Don't make me be your camp friend.
I hate those corporate things.
Bunch of drunk people talking about synergy.
First of all, never badmouth synergy.
And I'm asking you to do this as a favor.
Fine! I'll go.
For you.
- As long as this place has a spa - They do.
Where you're allowed to eat in the sauna.
Cause at some places, they get mad.
Writers, we need to gather for an actor announcement.
As you probably know, I have been cast in an upcoming feature film.
Is it a movie where you swap brains with your granddaughter? I will be playing Janis Joplin.
Or depending on how some legal matters pan out, a Janis Joplin-type character named Janet Jopler or Janie Jimplin.
Why are you telling us this? Cause I will be employing the "method" method of acting.
So for the next few weeks, I will only respond to "Janis" or "Miss Joplin.
" If you're nasty.
If anyone has anything to say to me, Jenna, now would be your last chance.
- Your hands are weird.
- I don't think you went to high school.
- I'm not busy Friday, just said I was.
- OK.
I am Janis now.
You are all saying those things to Janis Joplin.
The veil is drawn.
You should do your Janis research on Wikipedia.
It's online, so anyone can update it.
You know, cause people are finding out new things about Janis Joplin every day.
Really? Thank you, Frank.
Wikipedia.
I'm gonna check that out.
OK, I'm on Wikipedia.
Edit page.
Did you know that Janis Joplin speed walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets? I have heard that.
Yes.
Was she really? So how am I looking, Dr.
Spaceman? Well, Tracy, I don't know how to say this.
Dee-ay-buh-tees.
Diabetes? That's it.
Now we know what we're dealing with.
Unless you make some serious lifestyle changes, you're in danger of becoming diabetic.
So how bad is diabetes, really? It's quite serious.
If left untreated, you could lose a foot.
Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetsons? I suppose.
But then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.
Buddy, here we go.
Bases loaded.
Bottom of the ninth.
Are you gonna step up? Because it's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch! You go in there and show them.
Make mommy proud of her big boy because he's the best.
Just do it.
Is it in you? I'm loving it! Are you OK? I'm sorry, I was just Were you psyching yourself up in the mirror? I do that before I go to a party where I don't know a lot of people.
Stop sweating, you idiot.
What is wrong with you, you stupid bitch! - I wish you hadn't seen that.
- It's OK.
You're ready to get in there, psyched up.
You got your camp buddy.
Just do it.
You are a lion.
Take what's yours.
There they are, - the Six Sigmas themselves.
- They're dudes? Each of them embodies a pillar of the Six Sigma business philosophy.
Teamwork.
Insight.
Brutality.
Male enhancement.
Handshakefulness.
And play hard.
Wish me luck.
Men, if I'd known your wives were alone, I would've stayed in New York.
Jack Donaghy.
We've been waiting all day for you to show up.
- This is my friend - Guys over in war machines have been dying to see you.
The finulus data suggest we should be leveraging disintermediation paradigms.
Obviously, the finular analysis will concur with any synergized mindshare classifications.
- Bladorian Frankles.
- Hi.
I'm Liz.
I'm Prashant.
This is Joan.
We're M7s.
What level are you? No, I'm just here with my friend.
Or I was.
So you're like a G or an H? No, I'm not part of this.
I'm not any letter.
J? Morning, Mr.
Jordan.
What's that on your foot? It's a practice wheel for when I lose my foot to diabetes.
You can't eat candy if you have diabetes.
There's no link between diabetes and diet.
That's a white myth, Ken.
Like Larry Bird or Colorado.
It's not a myth.
Gentlemen, back me up here.
I don't know.
My dad had diabetes, and he ate whatever he wanted until he died on the day I was born.
How do you not see the connection? You know, there's a conspiracy theory that after the Civil War, the U.
S.
Government spread false information about diabetes To keep the newly-freed slaves sluggish and docile.
- Heard that from Yusef Jackson.
- Which is why, most African Americans don't understand that diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.
- I don't think that's right.
- Diabetes and diet.
Next you'll be telling me that leasing a sports car is a bad investment! Nice suit, Squaresville.
Where's the bank? What can I do for you miss Jimplin? Well, according to my Wikipedia page, I'm gonna need some cherry juice, buttermilk, and tequila to make my signature Janis Joplin cocktail, the Frankschlong.
Good grief.
Where you been hiding? There you are.
Sorry I got distracted.
Seems like you don't need your camp buddy.
I know.
It's going great.
I'm joining the Six Sigmas for lunch.
I like lunch.
Right.
Yes.
Well join us.
What is this? It's l.
u.
n.
c.
h.
Lego Utilization for Negating Crisis Hierarchies.
It's a competitive teambuilding exercise where one person directs his teammates in the construction of a Lego model that only he can see.
Why don't you join team Donaghy? We'll win, and then go to c.
l.
a.
s.
s.
I don't want to go to class.
No, c.
l.
a.
s.
s.
, acronym for "consuming lunch and simple socializing.
" Now that just seems intentionally confusing.
What's up with this disgusting stuff? I've seen too many folks back home die of diabetes and go-kart accidents to sit idly by while you ruin your health.
You need to eat better.
N-o-e.
No.
E.
OK, Mr.
Jordan.
Whatever you like.
I just hope don't you get eaten by the hill witch.
- What's that? - I didn't say anything.
You want to hear tell of the hill witch? My meemaw saw her once taking away a boy who wouldn't eat his vegetables.
She's a shriveled crone, One look turns you to stone, and then she gorges on your living brain.
Through the stone? Really, Ken? That was your plan.
Doubt me if you dare.
But beware the omens of her coming.
Crops will fail.
Animals will run wild.
And my page desk will be turned sideways.
Frank, you have got to check out Maroney.
Your Wikipedia prank is inspired.
OK, Janis did it.
You can do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna eat this cat.
Janis, don't! That's from Alf.
Alf ate cats.
- What? - I put all that stuff on Wikipedia.
- None of it's true.
- Why would you do that? I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were gonna take it so seriously.
Of course I'm taking it seriously.
This is my chance to win an Oscar.
The Academy loves dead singers and the handicapped, and Janis was both.
No, she wasn't.
Her legs bent the right way.
I speed walked home on these.
You pathetic load! You mess with me because your life is miserable.
Because you're disgusting! - What? - Nothing, just You're yelling at me.
You're a mess.
You're Joplined out on tequila.
It's kinda working for me.
Are you turned on right now? What is wrong with you? I've got a thing for damaged goods.
But if you can get this raw in the movie, - you are gonna win the Oscar! - Really? Two minutes.
Don't stop talking, Jack.
Always be talking! Hands in pockets, Joan.
Prashant, your job is to watch Joan.
Say something, haircut.
No more wheels on one side than the other.
Uh-doyee! It goes on top.
It's a smokestack.
Suck it, nerds! - What happened to you? - What do you mean? That woman is a subordinate of yours.
Her behavior is totally inappropriate.
Familiarity.
Nicknamification.
And you seem to encourage it.
Lemon is unique.
But the old Jack Donaghy wouldn't have stood for that.
Sorry! I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis! Robot penis.
We won! - About last night - Oh, God.
I just want to make sure you haven't told anyone what happened.
I've a lot of irons in the fire around here.
- You'll keep it to yourself, right? - Yes.
Of course.
Thank you.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
You don't want people to know about us? Oh, God, no.
I mean, it's so embarrassing.
For me.
You should want to brag about it.
Don't worry about that.
Last night was stupid.
Stupid, Frank! Last night was the best thing that's ever happened to you.
It was my mistake, not yours.
I'm the one who had to take the Silkwood shower this morning.
Fine.
Whatever.
But you'll be cool about this? You The one who cool should be.
All right.
Cool.
What the hell was that? First of all, there's an omelet bar downstairs.
So you should probably go get yourself an omelet.
Second, I want to see if your room is bigger than mine.
You have a sitting area? You jag! Please come in.
I give you a certain amount of leeway at work.
But while we're here, I need you to - behave appropriately.
- What are you talking about? The nicknames, the arm punching, the familiarity.
The way you were behaving at l.
u.
n.
c.
h.
You can't say "uh-doyee" to me in mixed company.
So when I helped you win that Lego thing When I thought we were having fun together, I was actually embarrassing you, is that right? While we're here, I need you to call me Mr.
Donaghy.
I get it.
You brought me here in case you needed me.
But now, you have your cool 6 Sigma friends, I can go back to the lake with the fat kids and make bracelets.
You know how important this is to me.
I've got my speech tonight.
Don't worry.
I get boundaries.
Sorry, Liz, my parent's basement only has room for 5 sleeping bags.
Or, no, I'll come over after prom and we'll make nachos together.
This is part of our problem.
I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context, and I get back the 2nd half of a Judy Blume novel.
Whatever.
This place is dumb.
We'll be back at work tomorrow.
Let's not make this bigger than it is.
Too late.
Friendship over.
Good Lord Like a waitress.
Mr.
Jordan, I am begging you, as a friend, to eat better.
I just don't want to see anything bad happen to you.
I'm fine, Ken.
I have so much energy, my hand keeps dancin'.
I just don't know what has to happen for you to start The signs! My desk is sideways! The hill witch approaches.
Dudes, the craziest thing happened to me last night.
You're not gonna believe it.
But I found the secret skate park in GTA 4! Nice.
Are you seriously talking about video games? Jenna.
What's up? How dare you? How dare you be cool about this.
Frank and I hooked up last night, OK? Stop acting like you're ashamed.
I'm the one who's ashamed.
It's disgusting, right? I slutted it up on this dirtbag.
- It is disgusting.
- Thank you, Lutz.
- Jenna, this is a mistake.
- No.
Last night was a mistake.
This is a victory for hot women everywhere.
So what are we doing after this? Prashant and I have plans.
Did you guys hook up? What happens in Croton-on-Hudson stays in Croton-on-Hudson.
I do still have a seat at my table up front.
No, thank you, Mr.
Donaghy.
I'm happier here.
Prashant, that is my foot.
- My wrongness.
- Excuse me, Mr.
Donaghy.
I need to put a microphone on you for your speech.
I can't believe you don't want to sit with Jack Donaghy.
He's not that great.
You guys are my friends.
We should start calling ourselves the three musketeers.
Not.
Good one, Prashant.
- So I heard about you and Frank.
- I know.
It's hard to believe.
Now Dog the bounty hunter's the second grossest guy I've been with.
- You shouldn't have done that.
- Tell me about it.
Because he's mine! Wait, what are you doing? Why is my scalp burning more than usual? I told you not to tell anyone! - What are you doing to my hair! - You stay away from my Frank! Who is with my Frank? Katie.
Euzebia.
Please, let me explain.
What is this? Eat your vegetables.
Damn, K, that is weak! I'm a 40-year-old man! You think I'm gonna be scared into eating some stuff - because of some - Look at me! I'm a monster! - Hill witch, I renounce everything! - Cover your brain! Come on, guys.
OK, your microphone is all set.
I'll come back right before your speech to turn it on.
And thanks for being so cool with me.
- This is my first day.
- No problem.
Well, buddy, here we go.
Bottom of the ninth.
Bases loaded.
It's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch! - What is that? - His psych-up speech.
He doesn't know his microphone is on.
- We gotta tell him.
- Why would we? When a big one falls, You go in there and show those turds who's boss.
Make mommy proud of her big boy because he's the best! Just do it.
Is it in you? I'm loving it! Don't say your name, Jack.
Please don't say your name.
You are Jack Donaghy.
Titan.
Maverick.
Lover.
Excuse me.
Where is the bathroom? Your mike is on in the ballroom.
What? How much did they hear? Everything.
God, I'm ruined.
I'm never gonna leave this town.
They're gonna talk about this forever.
No.
I'll help you.
It's gonna be OK.
I got nothing.
What's up, 6 Sigma? It's Liz Lemon from the entertainment division.
I just fooled y'all with my Jack Donaghy impression, where I say crazy things that he would never say.
So let's maximize our fun quadrant tonight.
Shout out any other impression you want to hear - and I'll do it.
I dare ya.
- Do Jack Donaghy again! No.
What else? - How about Cher? Do Cher! - Al Pacino! I believe I heard Sling Blade! I love them french fried pataters.
Get off! What's that? Mrs.
Cunningham from Happy Days? Oh, Howard.
Oh, Arthur.
What's your name, guy? And what's the craziest thing that's happened to you this weekend? Hearing Jack Donaghy talk on that microphone.
Well, not anymore, cause check this out! Everybody dance now Lemon, that was heroic.
And I think it actually worked.
Lot of people from conference emailed me to ask if I was there when the bra lady went crazy.
They completely forgot about me, so thank you.
Sure.
And it goes without saying that you're banned from any future retreats.
- I can't believe you did that for me.
- That's what friends do.
Uh-doyee!