Abbott Elementary (2021) s03e09 Episode Script

1
It's too peaceful in here.
That's because these children spend
all of their time on their phones.
- Hm!
- They barely interact with each other.
- Isn't that right, Ava?
- [CHUCKLES]
Huh? Oh, yeah.
It's probably 'cause they don't
have hand games anymore.
Hey! Do you guys know Shame?
- Rockin' Robin.
- Miss Mary Mack.
[LAUGHS] Miss Mary ♪
Mack, Mack, Mack ♪
All dressed in black, black, black ♪
Oh, we have those, too!
Let's do it. Okay.
BOTH: Girls rule, boys drool ♪
We use too much fossil fuels ♪
Loser, loser, double loser ♪
Biden drives a P.T. Cruiser ♪
Know the answer, raise your hand ♪
We live on Native Land ♪
Don't call me sir,
don't call me miss ♪
Aliens do exist ♪
- BARBARA: Oh, my.
- He's too short, she's too tall ♪
- When will this country fall? ♪
- Okay. Okay.
Uh go back to your phones.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
♪
Mr. Eddie, my tooth is loose.
GREGORY: Mm-hmm.
If it falls out, do I eat
it like I did last time?
I'm a little busy right now, okay?
You're coloring a carrot.
Go take a seat for me. Okay?
GREGORY: So, after the teachers' panel,
a man from the Philadelphia
Activities Fund approached me
about applying for a grant for
the Garden Goofballs program.
That would mean field trips to fields
seed money for seeds
and the kids' top request
matching T-shirts.
So I've been working
nonstop on the proposal
to make that happen.
You know, it's really exciting to think
about what the Garden Goofballs
program can become,
and to think it all started
because of a fart.
Hi. Mr. Eddie?
I'm subbing for Ms. Teagues
next door this week.
- Everything alright?
- Well, there's a student
who's had unexcused absences
the last three days.
Just wondering what the protocol is.
Well, which child?
- Alex.
- Alex Perkins?
He was with me last year.
Yes, and I noticed he only
came to class twice last week.
Oh, well, that's not like Alex.
So can you just not come to school?
- No.
- Sounds like you don't have to.
I can't wait for second grade!
Thanks for letting me
know. I'll look into it.
My tooth! I just swallowed my tooth!
Yes. This is incredible.
Okay. Bye, Principal Oldman!
That was Principal Oldman
over at Robinson Prep.
He was calling to personally thank me
for the institution of
the librarian program.
- That's awesome!
- Oh, my God!
Superintendent John Reynolds
in my office. Ha ha ha!
Am I being fired?
I was just quoting that joke.
No, you're not being fired, Janine.
I-I came in here to compliment you.
- Oh.
- "Oh"? That's it?
Y-You thought you were getting fired,
and now I'm complimenting you,
- and just "Oh."
- Oh.
Anyway, I've been very
impressed with your work.
Your ability to problem-solve
under pressure is why I think
you should be calling a few
more of the shots around here.
- Wow. [LAUGHS]
- "Wow."
That's the reaction I was looking for!
[BOTH LAUGH]
When your fellowship is up,
we really want to offer you
a full-time position here.
- A real job here?
- Yeah, here.
We think that you have
barely scratched the surface.
You have the chance to be a superstar.
Minus the flashing lights
and the insane salary.
You would be getting
a little bit of a raise.
- Oh!
- But you're still a government worker.
- Okay.
- Um, but we're gonna give you that chance.
The district has provided
us with a new software
to detect the use of A.I. in your work.
You need to understand
this growing technology,
and I thought we could
try it all together.
So here is a poem by Robert Frost.
And when I hit this button,
it will tell us if Frost was a robot
and my entire life has been a lie.
Ah!
I knew it was all Bobby.
And here is Javon's
paper on World War II.
I-I only used Wikipedia to make
sure I spelled the names right.
Ha ha ha! Let's go!
Hey. I told you, Mr. C.
I never doubted you, Javon.
Mainly because you got a "D" on it.
- [LAUGHTER]
- So we will need to have a chat about that.
Really, you can use this
on any written material
books, journals, things from
your everyday life, even.
For example, here is a
lovely e-mail response
from Mrs. Howard to
my weekly newsletter.
- And, uh no, that
- [LAUGHTER]
Mrs. Howard cold as hell!
Yeah, she must hate your ass.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Stop cursing.
[SIGHS] Janine is 10 minutes late,
which means she's 30 minutes late,
'cause I'm always 20 minutes late.
Well, she does better than me
because when I say I'm
gonna be a little late,
- I usually just don't show up.
- [CHUCKLES]
Well, well, well!
If it isn't the Autobots.
Or should I say Decepticons.
I'm already not enjoying
this conversation.
Jacob, what are you talking about?
Well, you see, I was demonstrating
the new A.I. detection software
to my class this morning,
and I thought, "Hmm.
What better test than to use
one of my good friend Barb's
e-mail correspondences?"
And I was shocked
no, heartbroken
to learn that it was 99% A.I.-generated.
Jacob, I'm sure it was just a glitch.
Dang, Barb. How could you do that?
Funny you say that.
Because then I decided to
check your thoughtful review
- of my essay on the hidden dangers
- BARBARA: Ohh.
- of espresso martinis.
- And I meant every word.
Oh, I bet you did.
[SLAMS DESK] 100% A.I.-generated.
100. Mnh.
So, Ava showed me how to do it,
and then I showed Barbara.
Because, you know, we need
to learn A.I. software
to make sure the kids aren't
abusing it to do their work.
That privilege is reserved for teachers.
Looks like Alex has seven
unexcused absences.
That's not so bad.
Oh. Plus today. So eight.
Eight? Oh, that's very bad.
- It is?
- Mm-hmm.
If he misses two more days,
he's got to go to family court
to schedule an appearance
at truancy court
and then he gets held back.
- For just two more absences?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, has anyone tried
calling his house?
The district has an
automated phone system
that calls the students' homes.
Well, do we know if anyone's
gotten through to his family?
What do we do if Alex
still isn't showing up?
Well, that's the extent of our protocol.
Do you know how hurtful it is
to know that instead of talking
to some of my closest companions,
I've been talking to WALL-E
for the past few months?!
Okay, well, Jacob, you're being rude,
because look
Janine is here to give us
a big, special, important announcement.
- Go ahead, Janine.
- Yes, yes. Thank you, Melissa.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah. That's correct.
I do have something big
to announce, so, um
Wait. Where's Gregory?
Oh, he's working on his Goofball
proposal for the district.
Oh. Okay.
Well, thank you all so much
for staying after school.
I have some news about my fellowship.
God sakes. Who cares
about your fellowship?!
I got ribs in the slow cooker!
Wait, wait. No, no, no, no.
This is important.
You know, as you all know,
my fellowship at the district
- is coming to an end.
- Ooh, girl, don't remind me.
My doomsday countdown clock is
set to the day that you're back.
- [LAUGHS]
- Stop!
The superintendent offered me a
full-time position at the district.
- [GASPS]
- And I'm going to take it.
So I'm leaving Abbott.
[ALL MURMURING]
Dibs on Janine's classroom
as my new office!
Oh, this is officially the
worst day ever. [SCOFFS]
- I am proud of you.
- Ohh.
Janine, you have worked so hard,
and they are lucky to get you.
MELISSA: Well, if you're not
gonna be here anymore,
then I don't have to know
your name, Janice.
And for the record,
I-I-I am proud of you.
I'm just having trouble processing
because I'm a human.
- But, um
- Ohh!
- This is huge.
- Oh. Thank you, guys.
This was not an easy decision to make.
I mean, I hemmed and I hawed.
Heck, I almost pussyfooted.
- [LAUGHTER]
- But I want to do it.
I think I can really do
some good work there.
- No reaction from you, Ava?
- Oh, sorry.
I'm just going through the mental
list of Janine replacements
that I started the day
I met you. [LAUGHS]
Ooh! It's on! [LAUGHS]
And since you don't work here
anymore, you're trespassing.
Security! Security!
MR. ALONZO: Singular
noun or a plural noun?
GREGORY: Day nine,
and he's still not here.
I mean, Alex was in my class last year,
and he had perfect attendance.
He's the type of kid who likes
when recess gets rained out
so he can stay inside and read.
Something has to be going on.
- VIRGINIA: Hello?
- [GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi. This is Abbott Elementary
calling to check on Alex Perkins.
You're gonna have to
speak up. Who is this?
Uh, this is Gregory Eddie,
um, from Abbott Elementary.
- Is Alex okay?
- Oh, hi.
Yeah. He's right here watching
"The Price Is Right" with me.
Well, he needs to be in school!
He can't be absent tomorrow,
or he will be held back.
No. I already gave him a snack.
No. "Held back!"
If Alex misses one more day of school,
he will have to repeat the second grade!
Can you possibly turn
the TV down for me?!
- Sure. It's a commercial.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
We want to know why Alex
hasn't been in school.
He said he don't want to go to school,
say he miss his old teacher, Ms. Teams.
- Huh?
- Ms. Teams?
Oh. Ms. Teagues? He misses her?
He says that's why?
Oh, okay. Goodbye!
- [CLICK]
- No, I
[DIAL TONE]
Damn shame.
The boy live right across the street.
[LOUDLY] So you're telling
me that we can see
as many movies as we want?
Mm-hmm.
Jacob, seems like a perfect opportunity
for you to tell us about that
movie membership thing
- you're always proselytizing about.
- Yeah.
How's that How's that work again?
Well, while I would love to fill you in
and explain Nicole
Kidman's role in all of it,
I think you'd probably prefer to consult
- some of your robot friends.
- Oh.
So we used A.I.
At least we responded.
Do you have any idea how
much time and love and time
I put into my e-mails?
Have you no respect
for my emotional labor?
- You just ask for so much feedback.
- Oh. So much.
And Barb's typing speed
is a sentence per hour.
There isn't enough time in the day.
Okay, look, if we were
trying to be mean,
we would say that your e-mails
are super-long and boring,
add zero value to our lives,
and please stop sending them.
- We're being nice!
- AVA: Yeah.
Nice? A.I. cannot be nice.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. I can see where
this would be upsetting.
We're sorry.
- No more generative e-mails.
- Mnh-mnh.
And we will do our best to respond.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
To the ones that aren't
super-long and boring.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hey, Gregory. Um
I was just about to text you,
but I'm guessing you heard already.
So you already know about Alex Perkins?
Alex Perkins? From my class?
What's going on with him?
Everything okay?
Oh, um, yeah. He hasn't
been coming to class.
He has nine absences. One more
He has to go to truancy court
- and he gets held back a year.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine having to go
to court as a second grader?
Oh, my God. How is this happening?
This is very out-of-character for him.
- Something must be going on.
- I know. Um
We just found out he lives
right across the street.
I was thinking about going to his house.
We cannot go to his house.
I mean, that's strictly
against district policy.
The protocol says we call.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we went through
all the district protocols.
I then called his house,
I spoke to his grandma,
who I think heard one of
every three words I said,
but his grandma did say that
he's not coming to school
because he misses his old teacher.
- That's me.
- Or me.
- Or me.
- Okay.
Um, so, I was thinking
that after school,
we could get together,
go to the house, see what's going on.
- Jacob.
- Ah.
One of my real friends.
You'd never use a robot.
You're damn right.
I wanted you to know I'm eagerly
awaiting your feedback
on my latest newsletter about
the history of spring cleaning.
Oh. Yeah. I was, um
I was working all weekend on that.
You shall have my
detailed response soon.
Great. For every paragraph I wrote,
I expect at least three paragraphs back.
We here at Abbott hold our
teachers to a high standard.
Therefore, we will be conducting
a rigorous selection process
to ensure that only the most
qualified educator gets the job.
Having said that,
if you are 5'5" and under,
please step forward.
You are dismissed.
If you are a go-getter
who is always prompt,
please step forward.
Thank you. You are dismissed.
Congratulations on making
it to the final round.
You are only one question
away from landing this job.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
Do you own a jelly-bean belt?
Seriously?! Dismissed!
Send in the next batch.
Okay, so, under no circumstances
do we enter the house.
We're already, you know, pushing
the boundaries of district policy.
Right. Going up to the door
is already bad enough.
We don't want to cross any more lines.
Exactly. We'll just explain the gravity
of the situation to Grandma,
be on our way.
- Sounds good.
- Yes.
Oh. You here to fix the refrigerator?
Oh, no. What's wrong
with the refrigerator?
What's not wrong with the fridge?
GREGORY: No, no,
we're not here for that.
- Oh.
- Yes. I'm Janine Teagues
from the school district,
and this is Gregory Eddie
- from Abbott Elementary.
- Hello.
And we came to let you know
that your grandson, Alex,
is one absence away
from being held back.
He's fine.
He's inside watching
"The Price Is Right."
- That ain't never hurt nobody.
- Um, but he won't be fine
if he misses class tomorrow
or another day this year.
There will be repercussions
that will affect him
for the rest of his life.
Back in my day, we came
to school when we could,
and we all turned out just fine.
Right. But that won't work here.
- Oh.
- This is a very serious matter.
We wouldn't be here otherwise.
So, please, could you just make sure
that Alex makes it to class?
Well, I just don't see the point
in making the boy go
somewhere he hates so bad
when he can stay home and just
hang out with me and Drew Carey.
- Hm.
- Um
Janine, I think it's time to go.
[CHUCKLES]
CAREY: And Rona. Hi.
- RONA: $1,100.
- $1,100
Actually, can we come inside?
- Huh?
- Sure.
But don't be making no guesses
during Showcase Showdown.
- You keep them to yourself.
- Okay.
- Janine?
- Gregory.
ANNOUNCER: You're gonna
be playing Plinko!
Alex, we want to know why you
haven't been coming to school.
- I'm gonna miss Plinko.
- thousand dollars!
- Alex. Hey.
- CAREY: Yes! There you go!
Tell us what's been going on.
Well, Ms. Teagues doesn't go to school,
so I don't need to go, either.
Alex, you have to go to school
whether I'm there or not, okay?
School is something you cannot miss.
You do.
When are you coming back
to be my teacher again?
Well, that's the good news.
Ms. Teagues is almost
done at the district,
so she'll be back at Abbott very soon.
[INHALES SHARPLY, CLEARS THROAT]
I know you're not sick in my house.
No.
Um
So, I actually just accepted
a full-time position at the district.
- What?
- What?!
She says she's working
full-time at the district.
Y'all can't hear?
CAREY: price starts
with a 3 or ends with a 5?
Welcome to your future!
Yeah.
Ooh. I'mma save so much
money from the chiropractor
from not having to look down at you.
Hmm!
AVA: So, after formally
interviewing 536 applicants,
I found a perfect
replacement for Janine.
She has great fashion sense,
went to Penn State,
and says her best skill is
creative problem ignoring.
I can't wait to introduce her
to the rest of the staff.
I hope you get a nude from the T-800!
Ooh. What's going on here?
Jacob responded to my
newsletter using a chat bot.
- [MELISSA AND BARBARA GASP]
- I ran it through that program,
and the only thing real
was some corny joke
about if you spring-cleaned my head,
you'd probably see
your reflection in it.
What the hell, Jacob?!
You gave us a hard time for using it,
but then you go and do the
same thing to Mr. Johnson!
I'm sorry. I've been completely
underwater this week.
- Ha!
- Mr. Johnson is single-handedly responsible
for keeping most of the
toilets in this joint
running some of the time.
Yet he still found the time
to put his heart and soul
into that newsletter.
Wait. So you authentically respond
to his newsletter, but not mine?
- Yeah.
- He sends one e-mail
per quarter, and it is usually filled
with delightful anecdotes and musings.
Mm-hmm. You send 10 e-mails
a day. And you know what?
I rarely feel like I'm learning
a thing about you.
Oh, and you feel like
you learn something
about Mr. Johnson from that newsletter?
I think we all know he likes to clean!
Actually, it's more than
about spring cleaning
and explores its origins
in the Iranian culture.
I learned a lot about the Iranian people
since their problematic
depiction in the film "300."
- Great read.
- Very insightful.
And you would've known that
if you had read my newsletter,
you ignorant fool!
- Ooh!
- Mm-hmm.
- Y'all fightin'?!
- AVA: Everyone, please meet Mercedes
Janine's more evolved replacement.
- [PENCIL SNAPS]
- So, who's winning?
Oh, I got 10 on the plumber.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- WOMAN: Ends with a 4.
- CAREY: It can't It can't end
I wanted to tell you earlier
with everyone else,
but you weren't there, and then
you told me about Alex, so
I mean, it's it's, uh it's wild.
But, um, congrats?
Thanks.
- Yeah. Congrats.
- Thank you.
- Congrats.
- ALEX: Hello?
- Right. Okay.
- Yeah. Oh. Right.
- Um, Alex
- [VIRGINIA SNORING]
Just because I'm not there
doesn't mean that the school
isn't filled with great teachers.
A-And Mr. Eddie is right next door
in case you ever need anything.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I'll be right there if you ever need me.
I don't know.
Alex, what do you want
to be when you grow up?
I want to be on "The Price Is Right."
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, then you need to learn math
- in order to make your guesses.
- Hm!
- Not to mention communication skills
- Mm-hmm.
critical thinking,
and understanding of
socioeconomic inflation.
And you have to take P.E.
to spin the big wheel, which is fun.
- Yeah. That, too.
- Right?
And you have to learn
all that stuff in school.
Look.
Teachers are gonna come
and go in your life.
Heck, people, for that matter.
You'd still play Plinko
even if Drew Carey
wasn't the host, right?
I'd still play.
Okay. So can we expect
you at school tomorrow?
CAREY: $500, so you got $1,500
Okay.
- Good. Okay.
- Okay.
And maybe, one day, you
can go on a game show
and win a new refrigerator
for your grandma.
[JANINE CHUCKLES]
That boy better at least win me a Kia!
CAREY: Good luck! Good luck!
Come on! Ugh!
So, how do we make sure he
actually shows up every day?
GREGORY: Um,
you know, maybe the Goofballs
can help keep an eye on him.
Part of my proposal is
about keeping the students
accountable for each other
while in the program.
That's a really good idea.
I look forward to seeing the
proposal at the district.
Congratulations on taking the job.
No one deserves it more.
Thanks. Still hasn't really hit me yet.
Yeah, I don't think
it's hit me yet, either.
"And with that in mind,
I ask but one question
Are any of us clean?"
Huh!
It's breathtaking, Mr. Johnson.
I apologize, truly.
I accept
twenties or gift cards
of the same value.
Upon self-reflection,
perhaps I did overdo it with my e-mails.
I am so sorry for getting
so upset with you both.
It is okay.
We shouldn't have used technology
to mislead you into
thinking that we care.
Yeah, from now on, we'll
just delete your e-mails
like normal people do.
I am so grateful for that.
Thank you for your humanity.
[LINE RINGING]
Hey, Gregory. [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey. I'm just calling to let you
know that Alex is back in school.
He's even early.
Ohh. Good. That's great news.
Yeah. It is.
You know, we make a really good team.
Yeah, we do.
- Have a great day.
- You too.
- [CLICK]
- [CALL DISCONNECTS]
[PHONE LOCKS]
Hey, there! [GIGGLES]
So, they tell me you're gonna
be here full-time! Hmm!
- Yeah.
- So I'm just here to drop off
- your start paperwork.
- Oh, um
You know what? Can I have a day?
I'm just so swamped.
Oh, and the rest of us aren't?
But, of course! Take your time.
Mm-hmm.
Farrah's gonna come right back to me
after I give her these flowers.
- Dude, that's cabbage!
- [LAUGHTER]
Hey, guys, we have a new Goofball.
I want everyone to say hi to Alex.
What's up? Let me bring
you up to speed, Alex.
First rule of Goofballs
We don't talk about Goofballs.
- That's not true.
- JOJO: Second rule of Goofballs
We don't call it Goofballs.
Okay, stop it. I need you
to be older and mature,
'cause we're trying to ke
We gotta keep an eye on him!
Okay, Alex! Hold on!
No, no, no, no! Wait!
Wait, wait, wait! Okay.
Alright. Look. "Price Is
Right" is not even on.
- It's not even on! You're so fast!
- [LAUGHTER]