All In The Family s03e09 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Happy second Anniversary to you Happy second anniversary To you [GRUMBLING.]
Happy second anniversary-- Pull the plug on that! Pull the plug on that! [QUICKLY.]
Happy second Anniversary to you Oh, Ma, that was so sweet.
Yeah, thanks, Ma.
Oh, it was a little high for me.
I should have started in a different key.
You should have started in a different city.
Daddy, don't be such a grouch.
Come on, blow out the candles before they melt the cake.
Wait! First comes the wish.
I already made my wish, Edith.
Not yours, Archie.
Mike and Gloria's.
It's their wedding anniversary.
I know, Edith.
My wish didn't come true.
Come on, Michael.
Okay Ready? Yeah.
Aw Oh, good! You blew out all the candles.
That means your wish is going to come true.
Well, that there wish better not come true down here in the dining room.
ARCHIE: Aw, look at this! All right, Edith, when you can pry them apart, I'll take my cake over there.
Gloria, it's time for the bride to cut the cake.
Oh, thanks, Ma, but I'm not a bride anymore.
I'm an old married lady now.
Yeah, well, living with the meathead has put a lot of years on all of us.
Oh, no, Archie.
I was looking through the wedding pictures and you look better now than you did then.
Well, I was in a state of shock then.
Here, I brought you a piece with a rose on it.
All right, Edith, leave it there.
You want your cake over there too, Ma? Oh, no.
Later, Gloria.
I don't want to get this album sticky.
Oh, my, look at this picture.
Ain't that wonderful? Look, Archie, a picture of our living room.
Gee, Edith, now we know what it looks like.
But, Archie, it ain't our living room now.
It's our living room then.
Yeah, the magic of photography.
How thrilling.
Daddy, it's a lovely picture.
I mean-- look at all the beautiful flowers and things that were brought in for the wedding.
All I can think of is the unbeautiful thing that stayed after the wedding.
Daddy, why do you have to say such horrible things all the time? No, that's all right, Gloria.
Actually, your father's on his best behavior tonight.
I mean, haven't you noticed? He only called me an unbeautiful thing.
He could have called me an unbeautiful Polack.
The night is young, Meathead.
Oh, no, Archie, it's not just tonight.
You know, since I've been living in the house with you the last couple of years, I think I've influenced you.
The only thing you've influenced around here is my food bill.
Arch, you don't have to get upset.
So you've mellowed a little bit.
I mean, that could happen to anybody.
Get out of here.
I think you're right, Michael.
All those nice quiet talks you've had with Daddy-- you've had a good effect on him.
Nothing has no effect on me! What are you talking about, Arch? You've changed.
I ain't changed.
You have too.
Get away from me.
Yeah, I think he's right, Archie.
Like you haven't said the word "coon" in almost a year.
What are you talking about? I say it every day.
You haven't said it in front of us.
Well, all right, then.
Coon, coon, coon! You want it, you got it.
Oh, Archie, I'm sorry I reminded you.
Look, Arch, nobody's accusing you of turning into a diplomat.
It's just that-- me living here the last couple of years-- I think I've worn you down a bit.
The only thing you've worn down around here is your knife and fork.
Oh, look! Here's Mike's uncle Casimir eating cake.
Oh, yeah, that proves you've mellowed.
Remember the first time you met my uncle Cas? Yeah, so what? All right, so you remember the first time he came over here to discuss the wedding plans and Ma had bought those fancy pastries? Don't you remember the first words you said about my uncle Cas? What's all the fancy pastries for? Who the hell is your uncle, the head janitor of Poland? Daddy! Look, Mr.
Bunker, I'm telling you-- Michael, Michael, calm down.
Don't be angry! I'm not angry, Gloria.
It's just-- We shouldn't have done it this way.
Well, it was your idea to have your uncle over for coffee.
Yeah, that's because I was worried about having him over for dinner.
I was worried about all that dinner talk.
Now I'm worried about all that coffee talk.
Don't worry.
Gloria, you don't know my uncle.
He's very sensitive about Polish jokes, and your father's out there in the kitchen sharpening up his repertoire.
But, Michael, it's possible that your uncle and my father could get along just fine.
You really think so? No.
Gloria, why can't we just do what we originally wanted? You mean, just live together? Yeah, why not? Michael, don't even bring that up.
You know my father.
Gloria, it's not him I want to live with.
Michael Hey, hotlips.
You're doing that in front of her father here.
Uh, well, we were just kissing.
I know what it was.
I seen it in the movies, and if this is the preview of the coming attractions, I don't want to see the picture.
You know, Daddy, that's the trouble with your whole generation.
You're afraid to show affection openly.
We ain't afraid to show affection openly.
We believe in showing it openly where it belongs, behind closed doors.
We know all about your love there.
The only thing is, we don't believe in smooching there, out in broad daylight, that's all.
We was a little bit romantic-- liked to do it in the dark, like in a hallway or an alley.
EDITH: Hello, everybody! Oh, Ma, your new dress looks lovely.
Oh, you think so, Gloria? Beautiful.
You look terrific.
Oh, thank you, Mike.
Gloria, I hope you don't mind.
I used your perfume.
Do you like it, Archie? Oh, Edith, move it over there, will you? It smells like you sprayed yourself with a can of Raid.
What are you all dolled up for, anyhow? Because we're meeting Mike's uncle Casimir.
You don't have to put on a new dress for that.
All you need is a clean bowling shirt.
Look, Mr.
Bunker, I don't care what you say about me, but you'd better watch what you say about my uncle.
I ain't saying nothing personal against the man.
For all I know, he may be, what do you call, a very decent guy.
The only thing is, he's got two strikes against him from the start.
What do you mean by that? Well, he's Polish.
Strike one.
Wait a second.
Andhe's Polish.
Strike two.
You see what I mean, Gloria? [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Look, Mr.
Bunker, Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold your thought.
I do believe I hear the telephone ringing.
"Excusez-moy.
" Gloria, this is ridiculous! Michael, calm down.
Don't lose your temper.
I haven't! I'm in complete control of my temper! You're shouting! I am not shouting! I am not shouting! My temper just happens to be talking louder than usual.
Hey, over there, I happen to be on the telephone over here.
Michael, don't throw everything away because of a stupid joke.
Calm down.
I'll try, Gloria, but I'm telling you, one more Polish crack, and I'm walking out of here! You know, they ought to fumigate his mind, if they can ever find it! Michael, please! He'll be better when he gets to know you.
Maybe you can help him change.
Please, just can't you control yourself a little longer? Why should I control myself? What is that bull about my uncle having two strikes against him just because he's Polish? Look, let me tell you something, Mr.
Bunker Let me tell you something there, young fellow.
I just got off of the telephone here-- a guy-- a gent called Casimir Stivic-- your uncle, I presume, calling me from the corner phone booth.
The reason he ain't at the house yet is that, uh, he forgot the number.
Strike three.
Case closed.
That's it! That's it! I lost my temper! Michael! Michael! Look, Gloria, Gloria, you don't understand.
My uncle-- he's not going to put up with that stuff! Now, Archie, you'd better be careful what you say around Mike's uncle.
I'll do better than that, Edith.
I won't say nothing at all.
Oh, this is going to be great.
Let's just forget the whole thing, Gloria.
No! Michael's uncle has come all the way from Chicago to meet us and discuss the wedding with you.
I ain't interested in discussing no wedding arrangements with no uncle from Chicago.
The guy ain't even a "bona fried" parent.
Look, what do you want from me, Mr.
Bunker? My mother and father died when I was little.
Listen, I'm sorry about that.
All I'm saying is I don't want to discuss no wedding arrangements with a "substitute-ski.
" Oh! This is not going to work.
Oh, Ma, can't you talk to him, please? I'll try, Gloria.
Archie Stifle.
I guess I can't, Gloria.
Daddy, all I'm asking you to do is meet his uncle halfway.
I mean, he's a self-made man like yourself, Daddy.
You see, you two might find you have a lot in common.
Oh, yeah? What does the guy do for a living? He's a florist.
A florist? What does a Polish florist sell? Weeds? That's right, Mr.
Bunker! He sells plenty of weeds to guys like you! What do you mean, guys like me? I think it must be wonderful to work with flowers and be surrounded by them all day long.
Ah, what kind of a job is that-- prancing around amongst the pansies all day? That's what I call dumb work for a man.
What's dumb about trying to bring a little beauty into the world? I ain't talking about that.
All I'm saying is that a real man ought to be doing something useful, like, for instance, driving a hack, tending bar, spreading asphalt.
Okay, Daddy, but people need florists too, and painters and poets.
Aw, very few people need them.
Turn on your television there.
All right, you get one channel, and you see a couple of fruitcakes reading poetry at one another.
Then you flip over to another channel, and you see a couple of he-men battling it out in the middle of the ring.
Now, which one of them is any real American going to watch? That depends what time it is, Archie.
What? Because if Marcus Welby is on, people would probably want to watch that.
Will you stop driving me crazy with Marcus Welby? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, that must be Uncle Cas.
Daddy, now, please be nice, please.
I'm always nice, little girl.
Now, go and open the door and let Uncle Polack in.
Look, Mr.
Bunker, this is the last warning.
He's very sensitive! What, has he got a rash too? Daddy! All right, all right! Go ahead.
Open the door.
Hey, Mickey.
Ho ho ho! Uncle Cas! Gee, how are you? It's good to see you.
This is Mrs.
Bunker.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs.
Bunker? How do you do? And this has got to be Gloria.
Hi, Uncle Cas.
MICHAEL: Yeah, and Uncle Cas Uncle Cas, this is, uh Don't tell me.
You're Archie.
Yeah.
Don't pick me up.
Uhare you the florist? Yeah, I'm the florist.
Mickey's told me all about you.
I've been looking forward to meeting you.
After all, we're going to be related, huh? Huh? Anything you say.
[ARCHIE CHUCKLING.]
I'll tell you another one.
A Scotchman and a Hebe went into business together, see-- Daddy! Take it easy, little girl.
I'm just telling a nice little joke here.
A Scotchman and a Hebe went into business together-- And they both went blind watching each other.
Oh, jeez, you knew the tag line there huh? Well, it's a good story anyway.
I knew you were the kind of guy that would like a joke like that.
No.
I'm the kind of guy hates a joke like that.
Oh.
Oh, well, you don't have to be so prejudiced about it.
I mean, after all, there are certain breeds of human beings that just naturally inflict humor on themselves, you know.
You mean, like Polish people? I didn't say nothing about Polish, did I? I'm just talking about people and different walks of life like, for instance, well, sailors.
Now, sailors is always funny.
Well, I was in the Marines, and we thought the Air Corps was funny.
I was in the Air Corps.
What's funny about the Air Corps? You were in the Marines? Yeah, I was a lieutenant in World War II.
A lieutenant in the Marines.
Ain't that something, Archie? All right, Edith.
He ain't exactly General George C.
Scott, you know.
After all, a lot of your Marines was lieutenants.
Speaking of which, there, lieutenant, I mean, how come a big ex-Marine like you turned to selling posies? Well, I guess you could say it was because I was a Marine.
After I got out, I decided I liked making things grow better than knocking them down.
What a nice thought, Uncle Cas.
Uh, we was supposed to be talking about the wedding here.
I heard there was some coffee.
Is there some coffee, Edith? Oh, I'll get it, Ma.
Michael, will you help me, please? Yeah.
ARCHIE: Sit down, Edith.
No, not there.
Sit on the sofa over there.
Well, there, lieutenant, I understood you had some wedding plans.
Oh, my, wedding plans.
It just seems like yesterday when Gloria was a little baby crawling around the floor playing with Arthur.
I didn't know you had another child.
We didn't.
Arthur was a dirty little cat.
But he was like a brother to Gloria.
Edith, Edith, nobody's listening to you.
I'm listening.
Oh, yeah? All right, go ahead, tell him anything you want.
Well, Gloria loved playing with Arthur, and she tried to imitate everything he did.
You should have heard Gloria meow for her supper.
Jeez, I hated that cat's guts.
Arthur was like a watchdog to Gloria.
Or a watchcat.
Yeah.
Arthur used to scratch anybody that would yell at Gloria.
We had to keep a lot of iodine handy for Archie.
So the cat used to scratch you, huh, Arch? Yeah, the cat hated my guts.
Tell us about Mike.
What was he like when he was little? Oh, well, he was a very special kind of kid.
He really liked people.
He always had this urge to help people worse off than he was.
Who could be worse off than him? Oh, I see, you mean because his mom and dad passed away? Well, yeah, that too.
Archie, ain't we lucky that we're here to see our little girl get married? Where is the little girl I carried? Da, da, da Oh, jeez, The Dingbat on the Roof.
Sunset, sunrise Stifle, stifle Coffee and goodies, everybody.
Come and get it.
I'll help you, Gloria.
What do you mean, "Come and get it"? We ain't on a ranch.
Bring it over here.
Help her out, Edith.
Hurry it up, will you? Now, we was talking about these wedding plans.
Here's your cake.
I don't care what you decide about the plans, as long as we have Chinese food for the reception.
Yeah, that's what Michael and I decided.
It's our favorite.
Ah, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't eating no Chinky food at this here wedding.
That's "Chinese" food.
Chinese or whatever.
Chinese food is for a Chinese wedding.
At an American wedding, you eat American food.
You don't see Julie Nixon and David Eisenhower eating Chinks at their wedding, do you? How do you know what they ate? Because in the first place, Chinky food at a wedding ain't fancy.
In the second place, anything Chinky is ix-nay with Nixon, and he's right.
Wait a second, wait a second, Mr.
Bunker.
No, Michael.
No, no, I want to make a point here.
Mr.
Bunker, I think that before long, this country's going to recognize China, and I wouldn't be surprised if one day Nixon went there himself.
Nixon make a trip to Red China? Never in a million years, buddy.
And remember where you heard that the first time.
And I don't want to talk this crazy stuff with you.
All I'm saying is, there's going to be no Chinky food at this wedding.
Right, Casimir? Wrong.
Yeah, my side of the family votes for Chinese food.
MIKE AND GLORIA: Yeah.
Oh, well, what the hell.
You voting me down there, I guess you can have what you want, then.
Only I'm warning you, I ain't going to eat a spoonful of the stuff.
I'll send out.
I'll order something sent in for myself, something American, like a pizza.
Go ahead, stuff yourselves with Chinky food if you want to.
Ain't no skin off of my nose.
Casimir here is springing for it.
Oh, no, Archie.
The father of the bride always pays for everything.
We wouldn't think of letting him pay.
Yes, we would, Edith.
In fact, that's what we were thinking of right now.
Daddy, you're spoiling everything.
I ain't spoiling nothing.
I'm holding up my end in everything here.
Show you what I mean-- you don't have to have your shindig in that big rented hall.
You can have it right here.
Here in the house? Right here in my house.
The rented hall is too big, it's too drafty Too expensive.
Was you told something before? Stifle? Bingo! Well, if you're going to have the party here in the house, I guess all you can have is the immediate family.
Right, and the less of them the better.
My, a wedding party in the house.
We can decorate the whole downstairs.
I'll tell you what.
I'll do the flower arranging.
Whoop-dee-do.
I'll whip up a batch of cookies.
Hey, Arch, what about music? Well, I ain't going to pay for nothing like that.
It won't cost nothing, Archie.
The Reverend Felcher's going to perform the ceremony.
I'll ask Mrs.
Felcher to play the piano.
Hold it, hold it.
Mrs.
Felcher? What kind of priest has a wife? Oh, he ain't a priest.
He's the minister from our church.
Oh, he's the minister of the church, huh? Well, he ain't performing this ceremony! What's the matter, Uncle Cas? Why not? It doesn't mean anything to me.
Well, it means something to me, and it meant something to your father.
Now, you were born and baptized a Catholic, and I promised your father that when the time came, a priest would administer the sacrament of marriage.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I got something to say about this here.
I ain't going through with none of these ceremonies with all that mumbo jumbo-- some Catholic priest sprinkling "incest" over everybody.
My nephew's getting married by a priest.
That's okay with me, but my daughter is going to get married in a church where she's been going and we've been going all our lives, by this other guy, the reverend-- What do you call him? Felcher.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Wait a minute.
Why doesn't somebody ask us? Yeah, in the first place, we never wanted a priest or a reverend.
What? What are you talking about? Mike, I don't understand.
It's very simple, Mrs.
Bunker.
I'm an agnostic.
Oh.
You mean you want a rabbi? It's worse than that, Edith.
I think it means he can't have kids.
Daddy, an agnostic is a person who questions the existence of God.
Well, I question the existence of this whole wedding.
Fine, fine, we don't have to get married.
You're damn right you don't.
That's right, we'll just live together.
Michael! What? Mickey, what are you saying? No, I'm sorry, Uncle Cas, but Michael, why did you bring that up? Well, why not, Gloria? I mean, this whole thing is ridiculous.
You don't like the idea of other people making our decision? Michael, please! Gloria, isn't this our life? Yes, Michael-- All right, so do you want your father and my uncle to make suggestions on everything we do-- how to dress, eat, sleep, make love? Hold it, there! I don't like that last one in mixed company.
Does that bother you, Mr.
Bunker? Because whether you like it or not, people do make love every now and then.
More then than now.
Will you stifle yourself? I'll tell you the kind of people that does them things without benefit of clergy-- your communists, your hippies, and worst of all, your fags.
Oh, no, Archie, I read in LIFE magazine even they're getting married.
Do you want your daughter living in sin with this dumb Polack over here? Just a second, Bunker! No, no, no, no, Uncle Cas.
Let me handle this.
You call me a dumb Polack, Mr.
Bunker? Well, let me tell you something.
This dumb Polack is smart enough to know that he's not dumb enough to have this nonsense shoved down our throats.
Michael, don't say those things.
No, no, I'm saying it right now.
This wedding's off.
Michael, where are you going? ARCHIE: Let him go.
let him go.
The wedding's off! Michael! [BAWLING.]
Gloria, Gloria.
Calm down! This wedding is going to be all right.
Mickey'll come back.
Oh, Archie, we'll get them married.
Yeah, when the kids are off on their honeymoon and everything is back to normal, I'm going to come around and see you again.
What for? So I can beat the hell out of you.
Yeah, I remember your charming uncle from Chicago, all right.
I tried hard to be nice and polite to the big slob, but when he left here, he was threatening me.
Oh, come on, Arch, my uncle wouldn't have done a thing like that.
How do you know? You wasn't even in the room.
He swore he'd come back here with a whole bunch of guys and work me over.
Arch, you're lying.
What are you saying a thing like that for? Archie, you're spoiling the anniversary.
Yeah, just like you almost spoiled the wedding.
Listen, the only one that spoiled anything around here was the meathead.
He spoiled everything.
What are you talking about? I came back, didn't I? That's what I'm talking about.
Aw, come on, Arch.
What do you have to start a thing like that for? ANNOUNCER: Next week: Part Two.
And you're all invited to the wedding.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.