Ally Mcbeal s03e09 Episode Script

Quarter? Breakfast.
Looking for breakfast, ma'am.
Good morning, sir, how are you doing? Change, anything.
Need a cup of coffee.
For god's sake, [you.]
don't look at me!Yeah, I'm talking to you.
You, corporate, hollowed-out, soulless ghoul! What did you say? [You.]
walk by me like I don't exist.
I exist, lady.
I don't mean you have to give me anything.
I ask for change, you can say no.
That is your right.
But I exist.
I am not beneath an answer.
Fine, the answer is no.
Have a nice day.
Rich, bitch, single, lonely-heart lawyer.
What, did you grow up in Weston? Hmm? Did you study at Harvard? This is probably the longest conversation you've ever had with somebody not dressed in Prada or Calvin Klein.
Hey, Ally.
What are you doing? I'm, um just on my way to work.
Good.
I'll walk with you.
Freezing, huh? Hey, sport! God bless! Run along, lady.
Don't be late for Fantasyland Yeah, I know you.
I can spot the dreamers, too.
Here's a flash: Yours aren't coming true.
Ally? Is everything okay? My life's a fraud.
And? I walked by this homeless man this morning.
With one look, he knew me.
He knew my whole pathetic existence.
Is it that obvious? Yes.
I got to go find this homeless guy.
What? I need to talk to him.
Ally these people have germs! Don't be ---- I'll be back in an hour.
Push my schedule.
Ooh.
Can I help you? Is there a Ling Woo here? I'm Ling Woo.
Ma'am, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Excuse me? Wh-wh-wh-what? Please put your hands behind your back.
I'll do no such thing! W-wait.
What's going on? These two idiots want to bind me! What are the charges? She's been running an escort service for underage boys.
Ma'am, you have the right to remain silent.
I have the right not to, as well! Rhubarb Ling! You can't just come into a person's office and arrest her! The toilets are hideous.
I can't go on them, I'm getting a bladder infection from holding it.
Remnants Uh yeah n-never mind.
Ling,we have some serious charges here.
They're bogus! They have 21 high school boys prepared to testify that they bought dates from your escort service.
Dates, yes.
I didn't sell them sex! What exactly did you sell? I sold them cute girls, beauiful escorts.
You know how may high school boys can't get a decent date? There's a market! These boys are actually complaining? Just some of their parents are.
One mother discovered her sonhaving sex with one of your e-employees.
That's not part of the service.
Even so, Ling, Richard is right.
These are very serious charges.
H-how much money do you make from this little enterprise? Ooh I knew it! You're also a narcissist.
Somebody sees into your life,and you just have to come back for more.
Okay.
Um you love your dad.
You've always been distant from your mother.
You probably went to law school to half become your dad, but you're still turning out more like your cold mother.
That's got to be worth at least fifty cents, eh? Hmm? Come on, lady, don't look at me like I'm some profound savant.
You're not that complicated.
How about, intead of giving you money for coffee,you let me buy you a cup? Your Honor, we waive reading of these ridiculous charges.
In all my years of practicing ---- This is the biggest travesty! Just an outrage Outlandish! Abuse of govermental ---- And frankly, we're sick of this ongoing oppression against women,successful women, beautiful women.
Women who get punished just for making the silly mistake that, if they venture forward into the American workplace, they might do so free of attack from a, a police state that only allows them to rise to a place where they ---- Mr.
Fish, I don't even want to see your lips move.
Your Honor, the state has no interest in trampling Ms.
Woo's rightto enter into the American workplace.
She's been running a prostitution ring.
A brothel, if you will.
Servicing underaged clients! Your Honor, we move for an immediate probable cause hearing.
Two o'clock.
The defendant's releasedon personal recognizance.
Adjourned.
What is this? Your, uh, New Year's resolution?Take a homeless person to lunch? Hey, you verbally assaulted me.
You dared me to recognize your existence.
Is this too much recognition for you to handle? I intimidate you.
This is what you dowith people who scare you.
You try to bite first.
I don't bite people unless they bathe.
I'm afraid of catching somethingjust by having a cup of coffee with you.
Why are we having coffee?So you can feel charitable? Oh, now you have a problem with charity?You sit on the street corners begging for change.
You're the big fraud, Louis.
You sit out there with an outstretched hand, but you're too proud to accept a handout.
You cheap, unwashed lying loser! Well, okay.
So, now we both know each other.
I'm a proud loser, and you're a desperate lonely lawyer.
Why do you think that? Because you came back not to buy me coffee.
I hit some nerve.
What gave me away? I don't know.
Most professionals,when they walk by, they have thiscold, hard, driven look on their faces.
It's like they're meant to be lawyers,stock brokers, whatever.
You had this deadened look, this "My life was supposed to be different.
How did I get here? How did I let myself just blend inwith the beige of the rest of the world? How did I turn out how I promised myselfI wouldn't turn out?" -- that kind of look.
Testify? Normally, I wouldn't recommend it, but ---- Since when does a defendant ever testifyat a probable cause hearing? Look.
You brought me in.
Do you want my advice or not? Not.
We brought you in, because you used to be a DA, Renee.
We were hoping maybe you had licked this prosecutor's tonsilsat an office party, and you have some kind of inside you know.
Goodbye.
Renee.
Wh-what did I say? Why should she testify? If the goal is to avoid trial,that's the only way it will happen.
There'll be no real free discovery to worry about.
Then testify.
We have to shut this down fast.
We can't have this hanging over our heads.
An associate running a brothel --everything this firm stands for will be compromised.
Oh, please! He used to have sex with call girls.
Excuse me? That is such a major bygone.
You, you were with a call girl? It was before I knew my character.
John? Eh, Nelle Excuse me.
Thank you very much, Renee.
Well, clearly you're smart.
Do you choose to be homeless? Yes, I choose to sit outside in the sub-zero ---- I've read where some homeless people choose it.
Okay? Th-th-they want to live outside of society, and,and the dumb ones do it in a cold climate.
I do not choose it.
Through a series of bad finacial decisions,I became bankrupt.
And yes, I am too proud to go to a shelter.
And yes, perhaps I'm too dumb to head south.
Seriously, Louis, you don't strike me as a wacko.
Well, you'd be wrong.
I have had some manic-depressive problems, which have made it impossible for me to hold down a job.
If you can imagine --I was once haunted by the Pips.
I I beg your pardon? You know, Gladys Knight and the Pips.
I'd turn around, and there would be the Pips dancing,telling me to get in step.
I assume it meant get in step with society or something,but Al Green.
Sorry? I got haunted once by Al Green,and I almost took Prozac to try to get rid of him, but I eventually shook him without medication.
What, you were haunted by Al Green? I, I like to think of it as my inner psyche,reminding me that there's music in my life.
A-and your inner psyche was probably doing the same: There's dance.
And whether you know it or not, you know it.
Know what? That in some ways, you're better off.
And that all these corporate drones with those cold faceswho pass by you everyday -- they have no capacity to hear Al Green or, or see a Pip.
They don't have music in their lives.
There is in yours.
And there is in in mine.
And the reason you're so sad?You have no time to let it live.
How many girls do you have? Can I get six? What? I'd like six.
I have a meeting with a potential client,big client.
He's coming here.
And you what? Want to give him women? No, no, no, no, no.
It's just for appearance.
Some clients you'd get just by pulling up in a Mercedes.
This guy, from what I'm told,I want to pull up with six women.
You were being honest? In a way, yes.
Oh, I would love to hear how you ---- Well, perhaps you could let me talk, then.
Uh, fine.
Go ahead.
Any man, when he goes into a bar,when he meets a woman, underneath it all, he's looking for sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
I'm busy,I don't have time to trawl the single scenes.
It just became easier for me to move the little mouseand click on escort services.
And it was consensual.
That was my thinking, Nelle.
Well nevertheless, I regretted it, I'll never do it again, because I'm, I'm a different person now.
But that was my thinking at the time.
Uh, leave it to you to, to admit something was wrong.
But then, nevertheless,refuse to take any responsibility for it.
I don't ---- You defended it, John.
You threw that it-was-wrong tagat the end of a staunch defense! Having sex with a hooker! -It happened in the past, I'd never do it again.
-I expect you of all people! Oh, so what? People, people a-are made up ofwhat they do in the past.
-Why ---- -Oh well, bite me! What? I got to go to court now.
Well, Ling wants me there, too.
Well, fine! Just don't sit next to me.
Not a problem! Peckep, peckeh-peckeh-peckep, pecker-head!!! Excuse me.
Louis? Ally! What what are you doing in here? I work in this building.
What are you doing here?In those clothes? Uh Reseach for a book? Sorry.
So, you're not homeless? I live in the North End.
I'm an insurance agent.
That's why I was in the builing, actually.
I've got a client on the sixth floor.
And this book you're writing? Uh, it's a nonfiction.
Uh, a treatise on homeless subculture in urban America.
Thought I should live the life a little.
But I never meant to deceive anybody.
It was you who invited me to have coffee.
I am really sorry.
How long did you plan to continue this little charade? Ally, we had no plans to ever see each other again.
Oh right.
Truth is, you kind of skewed my whole premise.
I mean, to be actually invited for coffeeby a passing pedestrian.
Hopefully you're one of a kind, otherwise,my anecdotal evidence is worthless.
So, your barking those things at me --that was all part of a, uh, script? No.
That's, that's what I really saw in you.
It takes one to know one, I guess.
So, you were never haunted by the Pips? I wish I was.
Did you really uh, Al Green? Yeah.
Well, I'm jealous.
At least there's still hope for you.
Louis? One more cup of coffee? Yeah.
I couldn't get anyone to date me.
Even the fat ugly girls with facial hair said no.
Yes, thank you for that.
How did you hear about the defendant's service? Uh, a couple of my friends used it.
I think that they found it on the Internet.
I logged on.
They put up the pictures I selected.
It worked kind of like pay-per-view.
How much did you pay? And for this sum,the defendant's company supplied you with a date? Yes.
And do see your date present in the courtroom? Yes, uh, over there.
Her name is Leslie.
How did you and Leslie actually meet in person? Well, she pick me up at my house and drove me to the party.
A high school party? Yes.
A-and then, I ordered her again the next weekend.
For another party? Yes.
And then again, the following weekend.
Uh, which was Homecoming.
It was after that party that That what? That we made love.
Where did this take place? At my house, in my room.
That's how my mother happened to walk in on it.
Marcus, did you pay to have sex with Leslie? I can't really be sure.
What do you mean, you can't be sure? Well, I, I only paid the $175.
But it was the third time, a-and I thought maybe I was getting an upgrade or something -- like frequent flyer miles.
Okay.
So, altogether, how much did you spend on Leslie? $700, plus incidentals.
I bought all the protection.
You better pick this little bastard to pieces! He's in the conference room, waiting.
Mr.
Hallen, Billy Thomas.
Thanks for seeing me, I won't take much of your time.
The median age of the lawyerscurrently representing you is dead.
You're the CEO of a hip advertising agency.
You need to switch to a younger, hipper law firm.
Uh, hold on for a second.
Who are they? They're my assistants.
Your assistants? What exactly do they do? You're seeing what they do.
We all have our ways.
I do my best work operatingon a hightened sense of acuity.
Mine is best derived from sexual energy.
Pretty women make me a better lawyer.
It's a fact, I won't apologize for it.
I like the way they look, the way they smell.
The testosterone they generate makes me a bigger ass, and I've discovered the more of an ass I am,the better I litigate.
Putting modesty aside,you won't find a more gigantic ass than me! She never quoted a price for sex, did she? No.
In fact, she said she wanted to make love to you, because she liked you.
Isn't that right? Yes.
But I wasn't sure if they're trained to say that.
Wh-who? Hookers.
Did you think that, uh, Leslie was a hooker? Now you tell me why you thoughtshe was a hooker, Marcus.
'Cause she slept with me.
And you can't imagine any girl wanted to do that? No.
Because? I'm kind of a geek.
Eh, Marcus, what was the pointin hiring a woman to date you? Well, you go to parties with a beautiful girl,it makes you popular.
You know, with the guys, a-and also with the girls.
They start thinking you must have something really cool to offer,and it gets you real dates.
Now did you, did you tell that to Leslie? Uh, yes.
And how did she respond? She thought it was sweet.
Well, in fact, didn't she tell you that you were sweet? Yes.
Did she say that she found you attractive? Yes.
Did you believe her? I wanted to.
Well, Marcus, when you were making love to her, didn't you believe it was possible she really wanted to? Yes.
Thank you, Marcus.
How did you really know that I was a lawyer? I just, um I can read people.
That's all I can say.
Okay.
So, what else can you tell about me? Well, you love to hear people talk about you.
Ha ha.
Okay.
Uh, for real, um you have a lot of friends.
Of all the people in your office, who you're dating or seeing probably most fascinates them.
In fact, they'd probably be rivetedjust to see you here sitting with me.
Actually, that, th-that's pretty accurate.
How did you know that? That's very funny.
Can we go someplace less fishbowly? Let's.
Looks like Ally finally met somebody.
He's cute.
Bitch.
Supposedly,that's the line he used to pick her up.
An insurance agent? A frustrated one.
There's a difference, Renee.
I-it's not like he sits in his office all day,amortizing broken legs.
He's interesting, Renee.
A-and this thing with the homeless, that's started when he was asked to evaluatethe cost of the Democrats' proposed health care plan and what it would mean to insure the uninsured.
And he bacame obsessed with the plight of the homeless.
He's compassionate, Renee! Listen to you.
Yes, listen to me.
I might have found a decent guy, who's cute even.
I, I, I'm sure that he's an escaped criminal,or he used to be a girl or, or worse, he'll ultimately display signs ofbeing a real insurance agent.
But, but, but, you know, one night, one lone night,I got to look at a guy and go "maybe.
" Do you how long it's beensince I have met a genuine, legitimate "maybe"? When are you going to see him again? A-any second.
He's in there showering.
What? Kidding.
And the answer to your question is lunch.
I'm meeting him for lunch.
We never discussed sex for money.
I certainly never quoted him any price.
I liked him.
You were attracted to him? Yes.
I thought he was adorable.
So adorable you'd have sex for free? Yes.
I ---- But the next day, you charged him again.
Is that your testimony: It's "dates for fee, but sex for free"? Well, it's office policy.
I have to charge him for the dates.
And if his mother hadn't charged in, you'd have billed him for the sex, too? No.
I liked him.
For $175? Objection.
Sustained.
Have you ever dated sixteen-year-old boys for money? Yes.
But sixteen is as low as we go.
As low as you go? You were terrible.
Ling.
Reese's cup Why didn't you establish that it's office policy they're not allowed to socially see the clients? I am leaving that for your testimony.
Well, what ---- He should have gotten it in sooner.
A-all right.
I, I can't do anything right? Excuse me? I don't need that kind of negative input! ==, John I'm being constructive! Nelle.
Love bugs! I'm referring the negativity.
Because your hooker habbit! Constructive contribution Bygones! Let-let's just concentrate on this Ling's case here! Can we do that? At least I was an adult! She peddles her little trollops to teenagers! John! That's constructive.
Why don't you argue that? You know, you're taking the stand next.
It's important you come off likable -- unlike the company you keep.
hated your stupid frog, too! It's a What happened to lunch? He didn't show.
What? I got stood up.
You know, I never should have admitted to myself that I liked him.
This is what happens, when you ---- There must be a good reason.
Maybe he's dead.
You think? B-Billy? It's a look.
Like it? No.
And since I've heard that you've already landed the client who does like it, what's the point? It becomes me.
Uh uh, uh, see, I, I'm lucky that I got stood up.
Th-th-the last guy I fell for look how he turned out.
Ally, I'm sorry.
You're not going to believe this, but I was almost killed.
You see? Uh, you were almost killed.
I'm walking across the street, and this motorist runs a light.
It's like he was aiming right for me.
Maybe it was some other woman you stiffed for lunch.
Elaine.
Excuse me? I called the restaurant, I tried to give you the message.
But police, they, they made me fill out a zillion reports.
Do we still have time? Um, well, I I have an idea.
Let me run for sandwiches.
You can eat here.
[It'll.]
take me five minutes.
Great.
Okay.
Girls are so stupid, especially high school girls.
They want whatever other girls have, whether it's clothes, shoes.
They don't choose on the basis of their own taste, so much as they like what their friends like.
And this is the idea behind your escort service? Yes.
Girl sees the boy with a beautiful woman, and then they want him.
But the sex? Absolutely not.
I have a strict rule against it.
This is dating service only.
You're saying this is basically just rent-a-date? Yes.
No implied offer of sex? Mr.
Tisbury, there's the implied offer of sex on any date.
That's how we get you to buy dinner.
I said girls are stupid.
Men are more so.
So, these boys, they're paying $175 getting nothing in return? They get company, conversation.
Typical for a man to consider that nothing.
With you, it's all fruits of the erogenous tree.
Your Honor, it's one thing for him to think with his dumb stick, I shouldn't have to be prosecuted with it.
Ms.
Woo, just answer his questions.
Look.
Men don't get it.
If you walk into a party with a date, the women in the room are going to check her out before they do you.
It's not that they're lesbians.
It's just women are vain, appearance-driven animals ruled by envy.
And if a girl more beautiful comes through the door, we want to be her, we want what she has -- including her date, even if he's funny-looking like Marcus.
That's the service, period.
We don't offer sex, we don't provide it.
But you do sell dates to boys, some underage.
Is this the part where we backtrack and repeat ourselves? Get me a real DA.
I'm bored.
So, you just hear it in your head like voices? Yes, except it's music.
Mm.
Do you want to try it or not? Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
So, you're hearing the music in your head now? Uh, what? You're not? Well, I'm new at this.
Well, Louis, concentrate.
You have an imagination, you have an inner ear.
And this is not that difficult.
Okay.
Let's go.
E-Elaine! Lunch is served.
And might I say? No! Appish-snay.
You could have at least tried to be sympathetic! I was under oath.
Garlic? If this thing comes down to whether the judge likes me or not, Richard, then I lose.
He hates me.
What is the funny little man doing now? I have to prepare my final statement, you ungrateful little pimp! Aren't you going to defend my honor? All right.
Obviously this hostility is about me.
Do I judge you on your past? Well, I don't have a criminal record.
Neither do I.
Because you weren't convicted.
But you committed a crime.
It was a victimless crime, and in some countries ---- Who says it's victimless? Uh, do you know how some of these women got to be call girls, do you? Oh Nelle, I'm not even going to going there.
How much did they charge you to let you spank them? Uh, eh, p-eh, uh You did spank them, didn't you? I didn't spank them -- her! There was only one! The only woman I ever spanked ended up calling me a pecker-head.
You keep turning the attack on me! Why can't ---- I don't know what's going on.
I do know that you're smart enough to realize that everybody has a past.
I also know for a fact, you're even open to legalizing prostitution.
We had that argument before, with me taking the other side.
So, what is going on? Why are you so angry? I, I'm not so much angry as I am hurt.
Why? As open-minded as I am about everybody doing their own thing, the man I marry, the father of my children -- it hurts to think he's been with a prostitute.
I, I don't mean to get ahead of this, John.
Marriage is far away.
But wh-whether it's me or not, one day you will be married, you will have children.
And you don't think that they'd be devastated to learn their daddy once Yeah.
I, I guess, I feel you have a duty to them even though they don't exist yet.
And as for duty to your future wife I don't know.
So, what happened after dinner? He walked me home.
He kissed me good night like a perfect gentleman.
He must have a wife and a child in another state or something.
I am not this lucky.
This is ridiculous.
H-how long does he plan to keep that up? Life is about image.
You're not who you are so much as what people think you are.
And having a beautiful woman on your arm -- it attracts other women.
It primes the dating pump.
That's all Ling Woo's service was designed to do.
Now yes, some of the girls ended up having sex.
But that was not my client's intent nor her doing.
Mr.
Cage, it's an escort service.
And there's nothing illegal about it.
Uh, Y-Your Honor, if I may? Oh, dear God.
Almost every woman is bought.
It's good that these kids learn that at a young age.
Mr.
Fish.
Tell me women don't become interested in men because of the size of their wallets.
We see beautiful young girls walking around with eighty-year-old men on welfare all the time, don't we? People in this country are seduced by success, fancy car, big house, beautiful woman.
It's the American way, and it's become increasingly difficult for me to just sit back and see this nation trashed by a district attorney, who probably married ugly, when if he had gone into private practice, could have afforded something prettier, something ---- Mr.
Fish! Your Honor, there was no sex-for-hire here, end of story.
Now, we may not like the idea of high school kids buying dates, but it's not against the law.
We It's an escort service, where we know for a fact: Three beautiful girls have ended up having sex with three not-so-handsome boys.
Money is exchanging hands, sex is being had.
This girl says she made love to him because she liked him.
But then she charges him for the next date.
Common sense is within the court's discretion here.
A crime has been committed.
No.
It is not a crime.
Is it something Ms.
Woo or these boys should be embarrassed about? Perhaps.
Is it something that one day they'll wish that they could undo? Probably.
It'll comment on them forever.
Might even hurt their loved ones.
And I'm sure that they will definitely regret that.
But that's for a different court.
In this one, a court of law, no crime has been committed.
May I help you? Uh, yes.
Um, I'm Ally McBeal, and I'm here to see Louis Walters.
I'm sorry.
He no longer works here.
Since when? You are? Um, Ally McBeal.
I'm, I'm a personal friend.
One second.
I have somebody here looking for Louis Walters.
She says she's a personal friend.
We'll be with you one second.
What's going on? Somebody will be with you.
Thank you, but can you tell me why you're being so secretive? I'm sorry, you are? Um, Ally McBeal.
I'm Louis' friend.
He said that he worked here.
He used to, yes.
Um, how well do you know Louis, Ms.
McBeal? Um, we've, we've been, um dating.
Louis has a paranoid personality disorder.
He worked here up until about six months ago.
And the last we heard, he was living on the streets.
Surprise! You have a paranoid personality disorder, Louis.
I just came from the insurance office where you used to work.
I also checked with the police.
You filed 73 complaints complaining somebody wanted to kill you.
You live on the streets.
Did you steal these clothes? Yes.
Why haven't you gotten any help? Well, I took the medication, I just didn't feel like myself.
It made me feel slower, duller, dulled my senses.
But after meeting you, I started taking it again.
Now I want to be healthy.
I can be healthy.
I know I can.
I just wasn't going to do it for some stupid claims adjuster job, but to be with you I followed you back here.
Y-you're worth reentering society for.
You make me want to come back.
I can be well again, I know I can.
Look, can we, uh can we still see each other? I don't think it'll work out, Louis.
I can get a handle on it.
The way you sometimes hear voices, Ally.
Al Green.
I we get each other.
I know it.
Lou-Louis, w-would you, um Wh-why don't, why don't you let me help you get some treatment? I know lots of, um ---- No, I'm not I'm not talking about treatment.
Which I'm happy to get.
I mean you and me.
I don't think it'll work out, Louis.
How many people can look inside you the way I can? Okay.
I think the idea of high school boys renting dates is disgusting.
Mr.
Cage, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume when you first heard of this, you took a moment.
That said, there has been no evidence that sexual services were provided for a fee.
The charges against Ms.
Woo are dismissed.
You're free to go with the moral condemnation of the court.
Adjourned.
Moral condemnation business will go up.
Thank you, Richard, John.
I'd like to sue for malicious prosecution.
Well, let, let, let us, let's wait on that, yeah.
You coming? I never meant to hurt my children.
And I certainly didn't mean to hurt you.
Look.
I, uh, I was probably being a little irrational.
No, you weren't.
I'm sorry.
You did the right thing.
I did? Not giving him a chance because he's homeless? Ally, this had no real chance.
He's ill.
You did the right thing.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Buy you a drink at the bar? Hmm, no.
I think I'm going to head home.
Thank you.
There was no other choice.