American Housewife (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

1 [Table creaks.]
Ugh, stupid wobbly leg.
I asked your dad to fix this.
Why can't you fix it, Mama? You're right.
I'll get my toolbox.
Fixed.
Hey, buddy.
I made you your favorite breakfast.
You made me poached eggs with salmon? I made you my favorite breakfast.
I can't eat.
Gina leaves for Deervale today, so we're officially over.
Forever.
[Cellphone dinging.]
Damn, girl, you're blowing up.
Ever since I broke up with Trip, all these guys keep texting.
Ryan, Damian, Justin Justin? - Isn't he your teacher? - And friend.
Well, your alarm woke me up again.
We are not holding you hostage.
You're free to move out any time this morning, this afternoon, this evening now.
Now's fine.
All right, I-I would love to leave, trust me, but my renters found the black mold that I was trying to hide with that couch, and now I have a lawsuit on my hands, so guess I'm stuck with all of you.
And that stupid dog, sitting in his water dish.
[Cellphone dings.]
Now Ryan Ricci wants to hang out Saturday, but Damian already asked me to go to the movies.
KATIE: Ah, to be young again the thrill of potential new love I can't stop thinking about Gina.
Little things like when we'd watch horror movies and she'd hold me when I got scared.
and the heartache of old.
I remember those days.
I miss the excitement of the ups and downs of romance.
Guess I'll just have to live vicariously through my kids.
I am so sorry, Oliver.
You must be devastated.
Does it hurt like a stabbing pain, or is it more of a kick to the nads? Nads.
Now stabbing.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
You guys don't appreciate it because you're young, but these highs and lows are really exciting.
You and Dad don't have any excitement in your lives? What? Anna-Kat, why would you think that? Of course Dad and I have excitement in our lives.
- Okay, don't freak out.
- Mm-hmm.
The delivery guy made a mistake.
We didn't get one newspaper this morning.
We got two.
[Laughing.]
Can you believe? I mean, it's like aaaah! No need to go to Six Flags, Mama, 'cause your life's a real roller coaster.
She's right.
She's a little [bleep.]
but she's right.
I overheard that you have an abundance of gentleman suitors lined up.
Well, I have to say, I am very impressed.
Tell me everything.
Well, Damian and Ryan both asked me out, and there's this kid from shop class who keeps winking at me, but I think that's because he has light sensitivity.
He had eyelid surgery in middle school, but I may have misspoke when I said tell me "everything".
Just tell me which boy you like the best.
They're all nice, but I don't know.
Trip and I just broke up.
Shouldn't I take some time off? No! No, no, no.
You're young.
Uh, but don't get tied down unless that's something you're into.
Yeah, but even if my mind wasn't on Trip, I'm not really into any of these guys.
[Scoffs.]
Well, there's got to be someone you've got a crush on.
I mean, otherwise, why even show up at school? I don't know.
Well, there is this one guy.
Pierce.
He's in the musical with me, he's super nice, and he was there for me when Trip and I broke up, but I'm pretty sure he just sees me as a friend.
Ah, well, lucky for you, I know how to get a guy's attention.
Hi, Greg.
Kathryn, you look refreshed.
Hm.
Creepy, Grandma.
But I'm in.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
The first step is to put yourself out there on social media.
You need to publicly flaunt your best life.
You're very lucky that you've got Instagram.
Oh, in my day, you had to depend on loose morals and good, old-fashioned word of mouth.
[Chuckles.]
Pierce follows me on Instagram, but he never really likes or comments on my stuff.
No, you you've got to stand out in your photos.
- Hmm.
- You need to flaunt your best assets.
Now, as a stewardess, I was on my feet a lot, so my best assets are my toned legs and my abs.
Oh, and my prominent clavicles.
Well, I did get voted best smile.
Well, there you go! So, no more pouty face.
You just flash that beautiful smile and Pierce will come running.
Let's do it! [Both chuckle.]
Don't do that.
That's my thing.
I've never seen my kids like this.
- Their emotions are all over the place.
- Of course they are.
Everything's so meaningful and intense in youth.
At any moment, you can be blindsided by adoration or crushed by rejection.
I was the exact same way when I was young.
Except the rejection part.
Homecoming Queen as a Sophomore.
I was the perfect combination of hot and mean.
I was unstoppable.
My kids are so emotional, too.
When is science gonna learn to breed that crap out? I remember when just holding Greg's hand was electric, like it meant the entire world.
I miss that excitement.
I make sure my marriage never gets stale by blindsiding Richard every couple weeks.
Last night, I looked up gay porn on his computer and pretended to be shocked to discover it in his search history.
I was all [Scoffs.]
"Is this what you're doing when you say you're paying bills?! Who are you?!" Epic blowout fight, epic makeup sex.
- [Laughs.]
- Your couples' therapy bills must be insane.
Ah! They were! Until I accused him of having sex with our marriage counselor.
Epic blowout fight, epic makeup sex.
The crazy one is right.
Sometimes, you got to shake things up.
All right, I'm gonna pick a fight with Greg, but I'm gonna do it my way by blowing something small way out of proportion.
Stick to what you're good at, you know? 14 blueberries, eight walnuts, and a pile of muffin separated and fit for consumption.
Ravioli guts, ravioli skin.
Now, which to eat first? Why did you dissect your food? You don't have OCD.
No, but I do have FOMO.
Everything okay, Franklin? You're itching more than usual today.
Oh, it's probably nothing.
See, it's nothing.
Adult! I need an adult! Ooh, now that is a great smile.
- Hmm.
- You see? - [Chuckles.]
- What are you guys doing? Grandma's helping me flaunt my best life on social media.
She's full of great advice.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe she can help you out with Gina.
I'm listening.
[Clicks tongue.]
I know that it's hard to see, but there will be other girls.
Not like Gina.
That's because she was your first love.
Oh, I remember my first love.
Dan Linker.
Oh, Dan the Man with the shag-carpet van.
[Chuckles.]
Did he break your heart? No.
[Scoffs.]
[Chuckling.]
No, I dumped him.
Hard.
No, I've never actually been broken up with.
Well, obviously.
Found him.
Oh.
Dan's on Instagram? Wow.
He looks good.
He looks great! Oh, and here he is running a marathon, and here he is on a boat.
You see, Oliver? Obviously, he's moved on from me just like you're going to move on from Gina.
It says he lives in Greenwich, so at least he's not poor.
Greenwich? That's just a few towns away.
Hm.
Wonder if he's single.
[Gasps.]
Maybe we should visit.
You know, just to prove that I wasn't even a blip on his radar.
That would cer you up, I think.
Grandma, is this you pretending to teach me a life lesson so you can meet a rich guy? I don't think so, but maybe.
You know, I'm not always honest with myself.
Well, I want to come, too.
It'll give me a chance to take some road-trip selfies.
We should go tomorrow.
It's Teacher Goof-Off Day, so Taylor and I don't have school.
Perfect.
We'll all go.
I could use a break from this dump.
What? It's not like you own it.
Mama, where's the glitter? I'm making a "get well" card for Franklin.
He has the chickenpox.
They have vaccines for that now, but sounds like Franklin.
If Franklin's out, who am I going to have lunch with this week? He's my best He's your only.
friend.
You'll be fine.
There are plenty of people at school that love you.
- Well, hey, sweetie.
- Hi, Daddy.
Anna-Kat, the glitter's in the upstairs closet.
Got paper towels before we ran out.
It wasn't even on the list.
Just a little spontaneity.
Time to shake things up and pick a fight, Doris-style.
Notice my hair, Greg? - Oh, you got it done? - No, I didn't "get it done"! Are we at that part of our marriage where you just stop looking at me?! Not at all.
I love looking at you.
[Gasps.]
Like an object.
- Like a trinket on the shelf.
- What? Is this because I went off-list and got those paper towels? You should go to a motel tonight and think about what you just said.
- What the I'm confused.
- You're confused?! Now you're the victim?! Oh, it's all about you! Katie, I'm truly sorry if I've done anything to make you feel bad.
[Sighs.]
I don't feel bad.
That's the problem.
I feel fine.
So what do you want? I texted Gina four times and nothing.
She even left the last text unread.
I want to die! I want to feel like that! What is going on with you? I was just picking a fight to generate passion between us.
We've got passion.
Remember the other night when we accidentally touched butts and you said, "Ooh, la la?" That's passion, baby.
When we first started dating, everything was so up in the air.
I didn't know whether you were going to call or not call or ever ask me out again.
I always waited three days 'cause I'm so money.
It was terrifying, but I loved it.
Really? All that uncertainty drove me insane.
I know it might sound silly, but I miss the highs and lows.
The spontaneity, the unpredictability.
Say no more.
You didn't predict this happening, did you? [Laughing.]
No.
No, I did not.
I messaged Dan to let him know we were coming.
Whoa-ho-ho.
A Porsche with a yellow brake system? That adds 7 grand to the total.
So unnecessary and expensive.
- I love it.
- [Chuckles.]
I told you, Oliver.
I broke that man's heart into a trillion pieces, and he still did fantastically well for himself.
Isn't it weird to show up at your high-school boyfriend's house after 100 years? I mean, look at that oak.
- I love a mature tree.
- [Cellphone dings.]
We just reached 60 likes on the pic of my feet outside the window on the highway.
Oh, see, I told you toes would sell.
Still nothing from Pierce, though.
Okay, I have an idea.
Now, you two stand in front of the house, and, Oliver, put your arm around Taylor.
Ooh, Oliver.
This will be the furthest you've ever gone with a girl.
We'll crop his face out so it looks like some random dude has his arm around you.
But his arms are so scrawny.
Pierce will just think it's a baby's arm.
What do you want, woman? I'm in crisis.
I haven't eaten in days.
- And done.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
Well, this will certainly get Pierce's attention.
- Mm.
- Hashtag blessed, - hashtag so much fun - [Doorbell rings.]
hashtag road trip, and posted! - [Gasps.]
- Dan.
[Chuckles.]
Dan the Man! Wow.
It's really great to see you.
Kathryn, it's been such a long time.
I didn't realize "Benjamin Button" was based on a true story.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
Uh, this is my nephew Oliver a-and my niece Taylor.
Niece? What are you talking about, Grand Old flag, you're a high flying flag [Chuckles.]
Taylor's very patriotic.
- Come on in.
- Okay.
Don't you blow this for me.
Nice to meet you guys.
And always great to see an old friend.
Oh, look at how well Dan has rebounded.
See? I told you.
You're gonna be fine.
And hopefully he's single.
Don't touch that.
It's my future vase.
Let's sit down.
Wow.
You look so good, Dan.
[Chuckles.]
You must be doing quite well for yourself.
Well, I play quite a bit of tether ball.
[Chuckles.]
[Cat meows.]
Hey.
- Sweet pad.
- Actually, it's, uh, not my house.
It's my parents' place.
What, so you're just staying here while your mansion down the street gets fumigated, - or or - No, I live with them.
I've been living here for years.
I get the whole attic to myself in exchange for scooping the cats' litter boxes.
- Attic? - Litter boxes? Yep, that's the deal.
- [Cat meows.]
- Oh, shoot I forgot Mittens's box.
Be right back.
Boy, I did a number on him.
[Sighs.]
You might be in trouble, kid.
We got robbed? Damn.
I should've left out that ugly necklace your mother gave me.
- There was no robbery.
- What? See? You just went from a low to a high.
Oh, Greg, I went from a low to a sweaty.
Now that I got your heart rate up and the kids aren't home, it's just you and me, baby, like the old days.
Okay, okay.
I like it.
Let's do this.
Upstairs? Upstairs is so pedestrian.
You're right.
Plus, the sheets are in the wash because the dog threw up on the bed.
[Wood creaking.]
Ah.
This stupid, wobbly table.
Hold on, I'll fix it.
[Snap, clattering.]
Oh.
Whoopsie-daisie.
Whoopsie-daisie? Now we're definitely not doing it.
I got to get to a meeting anyhow.
We'll do this some other time.
Wha But I wanted to do it now - and some other time.
- Mnh-mnh.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Did you see Anna-Kat? She had no one to sit with.
I wasn't about to invite her to our table.
Totally.
She's just so Weird.
Sorry about that.
Mittens has been transitioning from dry food to wet food, so her urine is a bit, uh, crystallized.
I should probably wash my hands.
Eh, I'll I'll do it later.
So, what brings you here, Kathryn? Well, uh, Oliver here is going through a bad break-up, and I I just wanted to show him that there is life after a heartbreak.
I mean [Chuckles.]
when I dumped you, I was afraid you What? Uh, Kathryn, I hate to correct you in front of your niece and nephew, but I dumped you.
No, you didn't.
I dumped you.
You're not remembering correctly.
Well, uh, sure I am.
It was the summer after our freshman year - We were out walking - by the train tracks.
And I told you that I wanted to be single for a while, that I was too young to be tied down.
You didn't want to hear it, so you just plugged your ears and La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la That.
You did that.
[Cat meows.]
[Whispers.]
Oh, my God.
[Normal voice.]
You did dump me.
Wha I locked myself in my room for that entire summer.
My only rebound was a crow I befriended by feeding him berries through the window.
[Cats meowing.]
This is going so much more terribly than I could have imagined.
You should ask Dan if he'll lend you a starter cat.
[Meowing continues.]
[Door opens.]
Wine? It's only 4:00.
It's happy hour.
So, do you come here often? Ooh, pretending we're meeting for the first time, got it.
Going for a high.
[British accent.]
Hello, hello, - I'm Greg, I am.
- Oh [Normal voice.]
You're right.
That was dumb.
Hi.
I'm Greg.
Hi, Greg.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do? - I'm a history professor.
- Ooh.
I love history.
Oh.
So, what's your favorite era? Mm.
Why don't we say our favorite eras at the same time? 1, 2, 3 - Classical antiquity.
- Classical antiquity.
- I knew it'd be the same one.
- [Chuckles.]
- Anna-Kat, is something wrong? - No.
There's definitely something wrong.
We need to speed this up.
We meet, go out a bunch of times Fall in love, have our first couple's costume Ketchup and relish, because you refused to wear yellow.
- It washes me out.
- We get married, you knock me up on our honeymoon, three kids and an untrainable dog later, here we are.
You seem a little down, sweetie.
Do you want to talk about it? The kids at school think I'm weird.
[Crashing.]
I thought you said he wasn't gonna do that anymore.
[Luthor barks.]
What happened? What did they say to you? They didn't say anything to my face.
That's not how it works.
Today, kids aren't allowed to bully, so they just make fun of you behind your back.
So, you overheard them talking about you? Yeah.
They said I was weird.
Am I weird? Anna-Kat, you are unique.
There is nobody else like you, and that is a good thing.
You have to say that because you're my mom.
I am weird.
They were right.
So what? It's okay to be weird.
Everyone's a little weird.
Look at your mom.
She wakes up screaming once a month - and punches me in my sleep.
- [Chuckles.]
It's not funny.
It's so funny.
I told you to sleep with a helmet.
Besides, who cares what those kids say? They don't get to you know you, and that sucks for them because they are missing out on the most fun kid around.
Thanks for trying.
What kind of monsters would hurt that precious girl's feelings? Tomorrow I'm gonna go down to that school, and I am going You're not gonna yell at kids.
I don't need to yell.
I'm just gonna go down there and point a few things out, shine a spotlight on some of their weirdnesses.
"Hey, Grayson, you sweatshirt chewer.
Nice wet sleeve.
" "Hey, Jessica.
Those sideburns are coming in real thick.
" To be safe, I'm gonna move some things around and tag along.
You don't trust me? Not even a little bit.
Looks like somebody's gonna get sleep-punched tonight.
Today was supposed to make me feel better, but it just confirmed that I'll end up pathetic and lonely.
Like you, Grandma.
Hey, I'm not Oh, who am I kidding? I sleep on a pull-out couch in my son-in-law's home office, and my closest friends are you two.
Complete radio silence from Pierce.
This is awful.
I guess only time will heal us.
Well, time for you two.
Time and a muscle relaxer for me.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Oh, my God.
Pierce finally liked my photo, and he commented with a heart emoji.
If you're gonna be happy, go do it in another room.
Hey.
My old camp boyfriend just lost his wife to diabetes.
Who wants to go to Virginia Beach? Road trip! Everyone is just walking right by her.
A bunch of goons.
- Give it some time.
- [Groans.]
We've been standing here forever.
I'm going in hot.
Those kids better run.
You don't win homecoming queen sophomore year because you're liked.
You win because you're feared.
Katie, I can't let you Wait, wait, wait.
Hi, Kendra.
Where's Randall? He's getting his back brace adjusted.
- Where's Franklin? - He's quarantined.
[Sighs.]
What's wrong? Those other girls said I'm weird.
Well, that just means you're unique.
- Really? - Yeah.
And it's their loss.
- Want to hang out? - Sure.
So, are we just Did you see that? I sure did.
I am so proud of her.
She is our strong, one-of-a-kind, weird little girl.
See that? You went from a low to a high.
He's right.
I still have highs and lows in my life, but now they're because of my kids.
And I will always have Greg by my side through it all.
[Spanish accent.]
The kitchen table is arreglado.
What? I have fixed the kitchen table for mi amor.
Why are you talking weird? [Normal voice.]
I'm doing a sexy Spanish accent.
Mnh-mnh.
I think it's just a Spanish accent.
[French accent.]
Is the French better, oh, oh, oh.
No.
[Normal voice.]
Well, what would work for you? Do you have anything in the Hemsworth variety? [Australian accent.]
G'day, mate.
Wait.
This could work.
Turn off the lights and say it again.
- G'day, mate.
- Get over here.
[Chuckling.]