Angie Tribeca (2016) s03e09 Episode Script
Germs of Endearment
1 I'm so sorry my husband's late, Mr.
Stone.
I hope this doesn't cost me the promotion.
[Laughs.]
- Sorry.
- Oh, here we are.
Sorry.
I haven't been feeling well.
My lunch didn't quite agree with me today.
Great.
Shows up late and brings up food poisoning.
Bon appétit, everyone.
[Laughs.]
This is very important to me.
Be charming and stop sweating.
So, Frederick, I hear you're quite the golfer.
You should come and play at my club sometime.
Oh, that would be [Coughing.]
He'd love that.
Right, Frederick? Frederick? [Belches.]
You're ruining their tablecloth.
[Coughing.]
I think we need to leave.
Are you all right? He's fine.
Tell 'em you're fine, Frederick.
Tell her you're fine.
Frederick! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
Did I vomit on your boss? You are so unbelievably selfish.
I knew you didn't want me going back to work.
[Gasps.]
Angie Tribeca Dad.
Dad, it's me, Angie.
Well, I'll be a moose's knuckle! Come on in here.
[Slurping.]
You have your mother's slurp.
You must have a lot of questions.
You left me alone.
A 12-year-old girl without a father.
Just tell me why.
It's a long story, so I better hit the restroom first.
Take your time.
We're gonna be spending lots of time together.
Hey, Dad, want to go get some pie, see if I still got it? Dad? Dad? [Water running.]
[Squeaking.]
What is this, hazmat suit day? I guess I didn't get the memo.
You're looking at what's left of Dr.
Frederick Curtis.
He appears to have died of some sort of hemorrhagic fever that liquefied his internal organs.
Is it contagious? Yes.
That's why I sent you the memo about the hazmat suit.
Don't worry about me.
I never get sick.
What is that, his wallet? Whoa, Defense Department.
Bioweapons division.
From the looks of it, he had a hell of a parking space.
Aren't those the guys that work with the killer viruses and whatnot? Well, whatever this virus is, it's 100% lethal, and if there's been an outbreak, that means the entire city's in grave danger.
Better get this to the lieutenant.
Quarantine?! Have you lost your marbles? I have not! Everyone who has ever exchanged fluids with Curtis is exchanging fluids with everyone he has ever exchanged fluids with! We need a quarantine to determine how far the virus has spread.
- So we'll keep a condom on the city.
- Oh! Look, we can't afford a panic right now.
It's Avocado Fest, which brings in 80% of the city's revenue.
Like it or not, Los Angeles is a guac economy.
- Geils, have you called the CDC? - They called us.
Apparently, there was a break-in at the bioweapons division where Curtis worked a couple days ago.
Someone made off with multiple viral samples, a T.
Rex embryo, and $40 in petty cash.
Well, that cash is as good as gone.
I don't know if it's linked to Curtis's death, but it feels like the kind of thing we'd investigate.
Atkins, for God sakes, this city has finally snapped back from the Mexican-American war.
Don't do this.
This could be a bioweapon.
People dropping dead right and left.
We're talking Chipotle-level destruction.
Allow me to spell this out for you as plainly as possible.
N-O T-G-O-N-N-A-H-A-P-P-E-N.
Where the hell is Tribeca? She's driving back from her story line, but I could give her a call.
[Monitor beeps, flatlines.]
[Cellphone rings.]
What's up, Geils? Oh, my God, that could wipe out half the planet.
And I'd bet my badge Calvin Sniglet's behind this.
Remember? The serial killer who killed all the people and stole their clothes to make little outfits for animals? Okay! I just didn't know if you remembered.
[Beeps.]
Oh, hang on.
Speak of the devil.
Sniglet.
Sniglet: Detective Tribeca, to what do I owe the pleasure? You called me.
I figured out how to save the animals.
By killing all the people.
By killing all the people.
Calvin, you don't have to do this, okay? I am so sorry about your childhood, and trust me, I understand.
But killing everyone on earth is not gonna take that pain away.
Just drop me a pin with your location.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I don't know how to do that.
But did you know that the human immune system can cause a spasmodic contraction of 58 separate muscles in the face, neck, and thorax? [Chuckles.]
You may know it as a sneeze.
Hang on, sorry.
Dropped my phone in the crack.
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Gesundheit, Tribeca.
Ah-choo! Sorry.
It's the biggest health scare since doctors said that thongs should not be up there.
Two are dead, and hundreds more are starting to feel weird.
Rumors are flying, but we're having trouble getting any solid information about the virus that seems to be spreading quickly through the city.
Here comes the mayor now to give a statement.
Thank you for coming.
I'm pleased to announce there is no cause for alarm.
No quarantine will be in effect.
And while we mourn those that have become liquefied, the situation is under control.
So go out your daily lives, keep your loved ones close, just don't have any physical contact with them.
[Reporters clamoring.]
You should put one of these one.
No, I'm good.
I once ate a piece of raw chicken off a toilet seat in a carnival port-a-potty and was sick for, like, three weeks, so I think I got this.
Suit yourself.
I just said I didn't want one.
Can you zip me up? How'd things go with your dad? Let's just say I've lost all faith in humanity and wouldn't mind if everyone just died, but it won't affect my work on this case.
Did we ever figure out how Sniglet got access to this lab? Man: You don't get it.
Well, why don't you explain it to us, Mister? Oh, sorry, Geils.
This is Clive Mister from the CDC.
It's actually Dr.
Mister.
We're dealing with a level 16 viral outbreak.
Kind of hard to tell if that's good or bad without knowing how many levels there are.
Well, on a good-or-bad scale, I'd say we're looking at about a 90.
So, a 90 is? You don't get it.
You're not even close to getting it.
Let's go inside so I can explain it to you, even though there's no chance you're gonna get it.
[Air whooshes.]
This is where Dr.
Curtis worked.
You're surrounded by some of the most deadly viruses in human history.
I don't see any signs of a break-in.
Is it possible that Curtis let Sniglet in? Oh, my God.
How are you not getting this?! Whoever got in here used a key card, and it wasn't Dr.
Curtis'.
That means Sniglet had his own key card and he let himself in and he knew exactly what he was looking for.
He went straight for what we call the rare-wine cellar.
[Air whooshes.]
Sniglet knew what time Curtis would take his breaks, so that means he'd been casing the place.
Curtis was just in the wrong place at the wrong time eating the wrong salad.
So give it to us real.
What is this virus, and how fast can it spread? The virus originated in penguins.
This penguin flu was then weaponized and introduced into a human environment.
So, it's a highly contagious biological weapon, some kind of synthesized penguin flu.
So, if we can cure a penguin, we can figure out some way to apply it? A virus that causes a sore throat in penguins makes the jump to humans, causing total liquefactive necrosis, which is a fancy way of saying cytoplasmic protein coagulation.
So, mankind turns to soup because of one lonely Arctic explorer and one incredibly sexy penguin? We should have melted the ice caps a long time ago.
Is there any way to slow down the infection rate? Maybe keep it to 9,000 or 10,000 deaths? Right now, the virus is moving from person to person through physical contact, but if it becomes airborne, it's game over.
Although, I've never played a game.
Unless we can find a cure.
Scholls, how long would it take you to develop an antidote to this thing? A little over a week, but I lose the weekend because of my sister's baby shower in Kalamazoo.
I don't know.
Is humanity really worth it? I mean, is it really the end of the world if it's the end of the world? Dibs on the antidote.
[Cellphone rings.]
It's him.
[Beeps.]
Tribeca.
Sniglet: Happy last day on earth.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, am I on speakerphone? I hear an echo.
Yeah, but there's no one in the room.
Good thinking.
Whoops.
[Sighs.]
Doesn't matter.
Soon, there'll be no one in any rooms.
They'll all be dead because of me.
You'll be dead, too, Sniglet.
No one's immune to the penguin flu.
Unless you've taken the necessary precautions to make sure that doesn't happen.
You're a madman.
Tell me where you are.
Doesn't matter where I am, Tribeca.
What matters is where the virus is about to be.
Spring is in the air.
You know what my favorite thing about spring is? Opening day.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Opening day Baseball? Dodger Stadium.
Opening day is this afternoon.
They're giving out nasal spray to the first 10,000 fans.
The perfect delivery method for this virus.
Geils, Tanner, get down to the stadium and confiscate that nasal spray.
Tribeca, find Sniglet.
Scholls, go do science stuff.
Wiedner, did the wedding planner have any suggestions for appetizers? He's thinking maybe a taco bar might be Damn it, we're all about to die, Wiedner! We're not having a taco bar! Can you tell me about those mini cheeseburgers again? Sniglet: Tribeca.
I hope you're not thinking about trying to stop me.
On the contrary.
I was thinking I'd like to join you.
Really? Well, maybe after everyone's gone, you and I could repopulate the earth together.
Or just grab a drink, if that's too much too fast.
[Beeps.]
Uhh, hang on.
It's my brother on the other line.
Can you hold on for one second? Yeah, no, no, no, take the call.
Just call me later.
It's no big deal.
No, no, no, no.
I want to talk to you.
Just one second.
[Beeps.]
All right, Scholls, you're my eyes and ears.
Where is he? Just downloading the data from the satellite.
Give me a minute.
Hey, I'm back.
Sorry about that.
How about this? You tell me where you are, and I'll come pick you up.
That sounds nice.
It's been very lonely.
I know how you feel.
I've been alone since I was 12 years old.
So, that was like 25 years ago? So that would make you? Old enough to know you can't outrun your past.
Yeah.
No, absolutely.
What music was popular back then? I forget.
Like You know, the usual.
Just songs about broken hearts.
Did you have an Atari or? People are cruel, Sniglet.
Parents are cruel.
Parents are people.
And people are animals.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
Are we hooking up or what? Just tell me where.
[Beeps.]
Hang on a second.
Scholls, I'm running out of nonsense.
Just give me something.
Boom, got him.
Oh.
You're not gonna like this.
For God sakes, just tell me! Oh! Hello, Angie.
I've missed you.
Have you missed me? Well, now there's plenty of me to go around.
But which one is the real me? Ow! God! Seriously? God! Announcer: Welcome to opening day, brought to you by Snot-Block.
Don't breathe through your mouth.
Use Snot-Block.
Puig! L.
A.
P.
D.
Where's the nasal spray? [Organ playing "Charge".]
Oh, my God, this stuff is lethal.
Let's get rid of it and take it to Goodwill.
Uhh, Geils? All these are empty.
[Speaking Spanish.]
We're too late.
[Organ playing "Charge".]
[Spraying.]
[Gasps.]
I can breathe again! Too bad I'ma die.
[Organ playing, crowd cheering.]
I don't feel sick! I should be out there trying to catch this guy.
Look, it's just a precaution.
You probably don't have it.
Although, they say once the symptoms start, - it's already too - [Belches.]
Oh, no.
You're gonna be okay.
Scholls is working on an antidote as we speak.
You can beat this.
Hang in there, buddy.
[Belches.]
I know.
I was able to isolate the pathogenic proteins and deactivate them by grafting on autoimmune genes from penguin DNA.
Atkins: Good work, Scholls.
Let's get the rest of this stuff to the public.
That was over 4,000 doses.
It's gonna take me 24 hours to brew the next batch.
Tanner doesn't have that kind of time! Well, obviously, the more penguin blood I have, the faster I can make more antidote.
We're going to need every penguin in the city.
Announcer: Let's hear it for Penny the Penguin! [Cheers and applause.]
[Audience clamoring.]
[Crowd gasps.]
[Penguins squawk.]
[Cackling.]
Ah! Ah! I'm pleased to announce the penguin flu outbreak has been contained.
You may all go back to your normal lives of quiet desperation.
Sounds great, Mr.
Mayor.
The people are gonna love it.
Atkins, I can't thank you and your team enough for what you've done.
It's just too bad Tanner wasn't here to hear you say it.
- These new floors look great.
- Gleaming.
- Really.
- Really beautiful.
Tanner, get in here! What's up? The mayor was just patting us on the back for a job well done.
Oh, the real hero is Dr.
Scholls.
Without that medicine, I'd just be another victim of penguin flu.
Where is Scholls? Anybody tell her to come upstairs? They'll find me! You won't get away with this!
Stone.
I hope this doesn't cost me the promotion.
[Laughs.]
- Sorry.
- Oh, here we are.
Sorry.
I haven't been feeling well.
My lunch didn't quite agree with me today.
Great.
Shows up late and brings up food poisoning.
Bon appétit, everyone.
[Laughs.]
This is very important to me.
Be charming and stop sweating.
So, Frederick, I hear you're quite the golfer.
You should come and play at my club sometime.
Oh, that would be [Coughing.]
He'd love that.
Right, Frederick? Frederick? [Belches.]
You're ruining their tablecloth.
[Coughing.]
I think we need to leave.
Are you all right? He's fine.
Tell 'em you're fine, Frederick.
Tell her you're fine.
Frederick! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
Did I vomit on your boss? You are so unbelievably selfish.
I knew you didn't want me going back to work.
[Gasps.]
Angie Tribeca Dad.
Dad, it's me, Angie.
Well, I'll be a moose's knuckle! Come on in here.
[Slurping.]
You have your mother's slurp.
You must have a lot of questions.
You left me alone.
A 12-year-old girl without a father.
Just tell me why.
It's a long story, so I better hit the restroom first.
Take your time.
We're gonna be spending lots of time together.
Hey, Dad, want to go get some pie, see if I still got it? Dad? Dad? [Water running.]
[Squeaking.]
What is this, hazmat suit day? I guess I didn't get the memo.
You're looking at what's left of Dr.
Frederick Curtis.
He appears to have died of some sort of hemorrhagic fever that liquefied his internal organs.
Is it contagious? Yes.
That's why I sent you the memo about the hazmat suit.
Don't worry about me.
I never get sick.
What is that, his wallet? Whoa, Defense Department.
Bioweapons division.
From the looks of it, he had a hell of a parking space.
Aren't those the guys that work with the killer viruses and whatnot? Well, whatever this virus is, it's 100% lethal, and if there's been an outbreak, that means the entire city's in grave danger.
Better get this to the lieutenant.
Quarantine?! Have you lost your marbles? I have not! Everyone who has ever exchanged fluids with Curtis is exchanging fluids with everyone he has ever exchanged fluids with! We need a quarantine to determine how far the virus has spread.
- So we'll keep a condom on the city.
- Oh! Look, we can't afford a panic right now.
It's Avocado Fest, which brings in 80% of the city's revenue.
Like it or not, Los Angeles is a guac economy.
- Geils, have you called the CDC? - They called us.
Apparently, there was a break-in at the bioweapons division where Curtis worked a couple days ago.
Someone made off with multiple viral samples, a T.
Rex embryo, and $40 in petty cash.
Well, that cash is as good as gone.
I don't know if it's linked to Curtis's death, but it feels like the kind of thing we'd investigate.
Atkins, for God sakes, this city has finally snapped back from the Mexican-American war.
Don't do this.
This could be a bioweapon.
People dropping dead right and left.
We're talking Chipotle-level destruction.
Allow me to spell this out for you as plainly as possible.
N-O T-G-O-N-N-A-H-A-P-P-E-N.
Where the hell is Tribeca? She's driving back from her story line, but I could give her a call.
[Monitor beeps, flatlines.]
[Cellphone rings.]
What's up, Geils? Oh, my God, that could wipe out half the planet.
And I'd bet my badge Calvin Sniglet's behind this.
Remember? The serial killer who killed all the people and stole their clothes to make little outfits for animals? Okay! I just didn't know if you remembered.
[Beeps.]
Oh, hang on.
Speak of the devil.
Sniglet.
Sniglet: Detective Tribeca, to what do I owe the pleasure? You called me.
I figured out how to save the animals.
By killing all the people.
By killing all the people.
Calvin, you don't have to do this, okay? I am so sorry about your childhood, and trust me, I understand.
But killing everyone on earth is not gonna take that pain away.
Just drop me a pin with your location.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I don't know how to do that.
But did you know that the human immune system can cause a spasmodic contraction of 58 separate muscles in the face, neck, and thorax? [Chuckles.]
You may know it as a sneeze.
Hang on, sorry.
Dropped my phone in the crack.
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Gesundheit, Tribeca.
Ah-choo! Sorry.
It's the biggest health scare since doctors said that thongs should not be up there.
Two are dead, and hundreds more are starting to feel weird.
Rumors are flying, but we're having trouble getting any solid information about the virus that seems to be spreading quickly through the city.
Here comes the mayor now to give a statement.
Thank you for coming.
I'm pleased to announce there is no cause for alarm.
No quarantine will be in effect.
And while we mourn those that have become liquefied, the situation is under control.
So go out your daily lives, keep your loved ones close, just don't have any physical contact with them.
[Reporters clamoring.]
You should put one of these one.
No, I'm good.
I once ate a piece of raw chicken off a toilet seat in a carnival port-a-potty and was sick for, like, three weeks, so I think I got this.
Suit yourself.
I just said I didn't want one.
Can you zip me up? How'd things go with your dad? Let's just say I've lost all faith in humanity and wouldn't mind if everyone just died, but it won't affect my work on this case.
Did we ever figure out how Sniglet got access to this lab? Man: You don't get it.
Well, why don't you explain it to us, Mister? Oh, sorry, Geils.
This is Clive Mister from the CDC.
It's actually Dr.
Mister.
We're dealing with a level 16 viral outbreak.
Kind of hard to tell if that's good or bad without knowing how many levels there are.
Well, on a good-or-bad scale, I'd say we're looking at about a 90.
So, a 90 is? You don't get it.
You're not even close to getting it.
Let's go inside so I can explain it to you, even though there's no chance you're gonna get it.
[Air whooshes.]
This is where Dr.
Curtis worked.
You're surrounded by some of the most deadly viruses in human history.
I don't see any signs of a break-in.
Is it possible that Curtis let Sniglet in? Oh, my God.
How are you not getting this?! Whoever got in here used a key card, and it wasn't Dr.
Curtis'.
That means Sniglet had his own key card and he let himself in and he knew exactly what he was looking for.
He went straight for what we call the rare-wine cellar.
[Air whooshes.]
Sniglet knew what time Curtis would take his breaks, so that means he'd been casing the place.
Curtis was just in the wrong place at the wrong time eating the wrong salad.
So give it to us real.
What is this virus, and how fast can it spread? The virus originated in penguins.
This penguin flu was then weaponized and introduced into a human environment.
So, it's a highly contagious biological weapon, some kind of synthesized penguin flu.
So, if we can cure a penguin, we can figure out some way to apply it? A virus that causes a sore throat in penguins makes the jump to humans, causing total liquefactive necrosis, which is a fancy way of saying cytoplasmic protein coagulation.
So, mankind turns to soup because of one lonely Arctic explorer and one incredibly sexy penguin? We should have melted the ice caps a long time ago.
Is there any way to slow down the infection rate? Maybe keep it to 9,000 or 10,000 deaths? Right now, the virus is moving from person to person through physical contact, but if it becomes airborne, it's game over.
Although, I've never played a game.
Unless we can find a cure.
Scholls, how long would it take you to develop an antidote to this thing? A little over a week, but I lose the weekend because of my sister's baby shower in Kalamazoo.
I don't know.
Is humanity really worth it? I mean, is it really the end of the world if it's the end of the world? Dibs on the antidote.
[Cellphone rings.]
It's him.
[Beeps.]
Tribeca.
Sniglet: Happy last day on earth.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, am I on speakerphone? I hear an echo.
Yeah, but there's no one in the room.
Good thinking.
Whoops.
[Sighs.]
Doesn't matter.
Soon, there'll be no one in any rooms.
They'll all be dead because of me.
You'll be dead, too, Sniglet.
No one's immune to the penguin flu.
Unless you've taken the necessary precautions to make sure that doesn't happen.
You're a madman.
Tell me where you are.
Doesn't matter where I am, Tribeca.
What matters is where the virus is about to be.
Spring is in the air.
You know what my favorite thing about spring is? Opening day.
Goodbye.
Forever.
Opening day Baseball? Dodger Stadium.
Opening day is this afternoon.
They're giving out nasal spray to the first 10,000 fans.
The perfect delivery method for this virus.
Geils, Tanner, get down to the stadium and confiscate that nasal spray.
Tribeca, find Sniglet.
Scholls, go do science stuff.
Wiedner, did the wedding planner have any suggestions for appetizers? He's thinking maybe a taco bar might be Damn it, we're all about to die, Wiedner! We're not having a taco bar! Can you tell me about those mini cheeseburgers again? Sniglet: Tribeca.
I hope you're not thinking about trying to stop me.
On the contrary.
I was thinking I'd like to join you.
Really? Well, maybe after everyone's gone, you and I could repopulate the earth together.
Or just grab a drink, if that's too much too fast.
[Beeps.]
Uhh, hang on.
It's my brother on the other line.
Can you hold on for one second? Yeah, no, no, no, take the call.
Just call me later.
It's no big deal.
No, no, no, no.
I want to talk to you.
Just one second.
[Beeps.]
All right, Scholls, you're my eyes and ears.
Where is he? Just downloading the data from the satellite.
Give me a minute.
Hey, I'm back.
Sorry about that.
How about this? You tell me where you are, and I'll come pick you up.
That sounds nice.
It's been very lonely.
I know how you feel.
I've been alone since I was 12 years old.
So, that was like 25 years ago? So that would make you? Old enough to know you can't outrun your past.
Yeah.
No, absolutely.
What music was popular back then? I forget.
Like You know, the usual.
Just songs about broken hearts.
Did you have an Atari or? People are cruel, Sniglet.
Parents are cruel.
Parents are people.
And people are animals.
I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
Are we hooking up or what? Just tell me where.
[Beeps.]
Hang on a second.
Scholls, I'm running out of nonsense.
Just give me something.
Boom, got him.
Oh.
You're not gonna like this.
For God sakes, just tell me! Oh! Hello, Angie.
I've missed you.
Have you missed me? Well, now there's plenty of me to go around.
But which one is the real me? Ow! God! Seriously? God! Announcer: Welcome to opening day, brought to you by Snot-Block.
Don't breathe through your mouth.
Use Snot-Block.
Puig! L.
A.
P.
D.
Where's the nasal spray? [Organ playing "Charge".]
Oh, my God, this stuff is lethal.
Let's get rid of it and take it to Goodwill.
Uhh, Geils? All these are empty.
[Speaking Spanish.]
We're too late.
[Organ playing "Charge".]
[Spraying.]
[Gasps.]
I can breathe again! Too bad I'ma die.
[Organ playing, crowd cheering.]
I don't feel sick! I should be out there trying to catch this guy.
Look, it's just a precaution.
You probably don't have it.
Although, they say once the symptoms start, - it's already too - [Belches.]
Oh, no.
You're gonna be okay.
Scholls is working on an antidote as we speak.
You can beat this.
Hang in there, buddy.
[Belches.]
I know.
I was able to isolate the pathogenic proteins and deactivate them by grafting on autoimmune genes from penguin DNA.
Atkins: Good work, Scholls.
Let's get the rest of this stuff to the public.
That was over 4,000 doses.
It's gonna take me 24 hours to brew the next batch.
Tanner doesn't have that kind of time! Well, obviously, the more penguin blood I have, the faster I can make more antidote.
We're going to need every penguin in the city.
Announcer: Let's hear it for Penny the Penguin! [Cheers and applause.]
[Audience clamoring.]
[Crowd gasps.]
[Penguins squawk.]
[Cackling.]
Ah! Ah! I'm pleased to announce the penguin flu outbreak has been contained.
You may all go back to your normal lives of quiet desperation.
Sounds great, Mr.
Mayor.
The people are gonna love it.
Atkins, I can't thank you and your team enough for what you've done.
It's just too bad Tanner wasn't here to hear you say it.
- These new floors look great.
- Gleaming.
- Really.
- Really beautiful.
Tanner, get in here! What's up? The mayor was just patting us on the back for a job well done.
Oh, the real hero is Dr.
Scholls.
Without that medicine, I'd just be another victim of penguin flu.
Where is Scholls? Anybody tell her to come upstairs? They'll find me! You won't get away with this!