Animal Control (2023) s03e09 Episode Script

1
Good news.
Velvet has passed the item
and is doing great.
This is your last chance
to lock in your guess
on what velvet crapped out.
We see this in our house
every month. It's an AirPod.
Guys, Velvet lives in
a house full of girls.
Smart money's on a barrette.
He thinks it's a crab.
Hermit crab. Let's do this.
Two of us are wrong.
So, that means two of us are right?
Yeah.
[ALL SCREAM]
What is that?
Oh, it's a doll head barrette combo.
- Yeah!
- Yes.
Uh-oh.
And an AirPod.
All right, everybody wins!
Except for you, Shred.
It means you have to clean up.
No, it seems fair.
Come on, big boy.
Let's go get some paper towels.
♪
Emily's still not here?
I called her twice, and I left a
message with her mechanic.
I don't trust that guy.
Let's not waste this downtime.
Me and Shred are hosting
an open house tomorrow.
It's been a tough road
as far as flips go.
Yeah, the black mold, the squatter,
the guy that fell through the ceiling.
And those bones we found in the backyard
are definitely a human rib cage.
So, we're asking you
to swing by the house,
create a bustling ambiance.
Nobody likes to eat
at an empty restaurant.
Yeah, maybe come by, put in
a fake offer or a real one.
Especially if you like fancy
Japanese toilets.
We installed one in the powder room,
and it's officially my
favorite seat in the house.
Here's a kicker.
You help us close a sale,
You might be entitled to a little taste.
What kind of taste?
You reel in a fish, you'll get a nibble.
Uh-oh.
Oh.
Hey, boss. Everything okay?
Oh, do you want some hand sani?
What's the point?
Yeah, I just found out that the city
is pulling our kennel
construction permits on Monday
due to a lack of funding, so um
Yeah, it took a little extra
time at the drive-thru
to grieve the death of my dream.
You're only five minutes late.
Six, actually.
[TEARY] I'm sorry I let you all down.
You guys see that?
She has breakfast sausage in her hair?
Yeah, that was sausage.
You two broke her.
Us? Wait, how is this our fault?
Emily's dream was alive and well
until you two decided to have
sex with a billionaire.
Got dumped, and then you broke
into her house to throw a rager.
People are saying it's the biggest
office screw-up since Devon.
What?
Oh, okay. Hold up.
We're not even in the same
universe as Devon.
I mean, his screw up is etched
in animal control lore.
This is barely a water cooler
talking point.
I don't know, man.
Templeton's precinct
sent over this cake.
Congrats on your Frank-up.
It sounds like a compliment to me.
Nobody sent baked goods for Devon.
Yeah, because it wasn't nearly as epic.
You know, you guys are
on a different scale.
You were not even here
when Devon was here.
You're still new, pipe down.
Yes, but it is office lore.
These stories get passed down
through generations,
and they live inside me now.
This is not lore.
The news cycle has moved on,
and people are talking a lot
about old sausage hair, now.
Say that nickname again
and see what happens.
Man, this is good.
Frank-up is becoming a verb.
What we did is a blip.
What Devon did is officially
part of our safety training.
Oh, good God!
We're going to be in
the HR manual next year.
We got to fix this.
I just feel terrible for Emily.
Like she's so down.
No one's going to remember Emily
in a hundred years. This is forever.
We gotta rewrite history.
Ah, text Fiona.
Convince her to give us the money back.
Shouldn't I do that
on account of me texting
since I was seven
and you wearing your cell phone
on your belt up until last year?
It's done. Texted her.
Okay. Hope you didn't Frank that up.
Go Frank yourself.
Real good.
Babe, great job with
the baked potato bar.
I've never seen one of these
at an open house
and I go to a lot for the freebies.
Ah, you're hitting that up early, huh?
Yeah.
Is that a piece of cheese
in the sour cream?
Oh, yeah. I'm only using one spoon
to keep the others clean.
You're welcome.
Hey, hey, hey! What's up?
Oh. [SNIFFS]
Oh, smells like
sandalwood and bacon bits.
Well done, fellas.
Where's Emily? I thought
you two were carpooling?
She's out singing Mary
J. Blige to a dead butterfly.
What?
That's not the sales vibe
we're looking for.
Can we get her in here? Emily!
Hey, there she is!
Oh, what up?
Listen, if you're not uh,
you know, feeling up to this,
you don't have to
you don't have to do this,
you can go home.
No, no, no, no, I want to be
here for you guys,
'cause I know you would be there for me.
You know, at my groundbreaking,
if it was happening,
which it's not.
Oh, no. Are you sure you're okay?
When was the last time you ate?
I think it was yesterday morning.
Oh.
Oh, my God, you're in luck, girly.
It's free-loaded spuds back here.
Oh. That's nice.
Yeah, go eat. Go have a potato.
We're going to run out of food.
Is this the open house?
[IN UNISON] Fresh meat.
Hi, Amit Patel,
broker, co-owner, proud father
of these exposed beams.
[LAUGHS]
This is a classic craftsman, great flow
and it's permitted for a guest house.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Walk yourself around
we're here if you need us. No pressure.
[WHISPERS] Love the energy,
but we're actually not permitted
for a guest house.
Does she know that?
Ooh. You hear that, Shred?
Bettany wants a taste.
And not just the toe.
I want the whole baby.
Yeah. I mean, I think you
jump metaphors,
but we're excited
to have you on the team.
Well, you should be,
because I didn't take that
four-day Suze Orman seminar
for the tote bag, you know what I mean?
[ALL LAUGH]
She said she'd come by at 2:00.
It's 2:20.
Must be dolling herself up.
What did your text say?
It's totally normal.
I don't believe you. Let me see
your let me see your phone.
Why did you send her a Black Santa?
Look, I didn't have my readers on.
Frank!
Victoria!
Allen?
It is so good to see you.
Where's Fiona?
Fiona sends her regards,
but she couldn't make it.
I knew I should have messaged her.
You put 'From Frank'
at the end of every text.
Yeah, so she would know
who was texting her.
She's authorized me to speak
on her behalf so
fire away!
Allen, we would like Fiona
to reconsider pulling funding
for the new kennel.
Sorry, guys, but it's a non-starter.
Well, you've backed us into a corner,
so we are left with only one option.
The nuclear one.
What?
We're going to go wide
with this headline.
'Lifestyle Maven has
Three-way with City Workers'.
We didn't have a three
Have you been telling people
we had a three-way?
Doesn't matter, the headline pops.
Do we have your attention now, Allen?
So, you are threatening
to break your NDAs?
Hmm, that puts me in a pickle.
because I and the rest of my legal team
would be forced to sue you guys
for everything you're worth,
which I think is not a lot.
I get by.
So you want me to do it?
[IN UNISON] No.
Okay, I won't.
Now, would you like me
to validate your parking?
- Insulting.
- It's $25.
My associate demands I accept.
You stamped that?
Take care of yourselves.
I hate that look of pity in his eyes.
It's so genuine.
Look, we don't need
human emotion, we need cash.
We could start a GoFundMe.
Like Devon did after his incident.
No, it takes way too long.
How about Rick?
Our buddy with one ear and $500K?
Oh, that is brilliant. You're brilliant.
Because he has heaps of cash
and a heart of gold.
He has exactly the kind of mope we need.
He'll save our legacies.
And the well-being of our friend.
Emily.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, those poor, poor dogs.
Without that kennel,
they are just going to be
piled on top of each other.
You know, barely room to sleep,
covered in fleas, feces everywhere.
Mom, can we leave?
The potato lady's freaking me out.
Honestly, potato lady is
freaking herself out, kid.
Uh, if you guys have any
questions, you hurry on back.
- Hey Em.
- Mmhmm.
I need you for a very
important job down the hall.
I get it, you want me to go.
What? No, no, no.
It's just that we just want
our brightest star
to help us with this house's
crown jewel.
We got a Japanese toilet in there.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Could I could bring my potato?
Yeah, I wish I could say yes,
but, you know, it's, uh, very loaded
and we just got it steam cleaned
That's fine, I'll just bring it.
Yeah. Okay.
We got a bit of a situation, guys.
You see that couple over there?
Yes.
They're talking like they want
to pay in cash,
but they know there's no competition.
Dang.
I wish there was another
young couple here.
There is.
You want us to lie. Done.
Okay, I'm Laura. You're Jeffrey.
Okay.
We've been married three and
a half years. It was tough at first
when I was in the Peace Corps
for two years.
We had to do long distance,
but we made it work.
- Mm.
- We are relocating to this neighborhood
because of my job.
I am a human rights lawyer.
Yes, and my job is mapmaker.
Let's do insurance rep.
You know it's boring.
No follow-up questions.
Oh, so I just make maps for fun.
Or just don't do maps.
♪
Friends! Join me!
Mind if we play through?
Haha, he's kidding.
We respect whatever this is.
How are you guys doing?
It has been too long.
I haven't seen you since
I broke into your house.
[ALL LAUGH]
And I'm loving the new look.
It's very cult leader chic.
Thank you.
I fell in love with linen in Nepal.
I haven't looked back since.
Well, that's awesome.
Um there's been a bit of
a hiccup with the new kennel.
Oh, yeah. I heard about
your little snafu.
Kind of a Devon situation.
[LAUGHS] It's gone wide
across religious boundaries.
How is Emily handling this?
Is she doing okay?
She's a rock, like always.
If you don't mind,
we're not actually here
to take a walk down memory lane.
Then, why are you here?
Are you looking for a little
introspection?
Some interior work? Finally.
[LAUGHS]
- No, we need money.
- Yeah.
I would really love to help.
Thank you!
Or rather, my past self
would have loved to.
And with whom are we speaking?
I gave my settlement money away.
- So, you're broke.
- I'm repaired, actually.
And what does your
new girlfriend think of this?
Anna? Yeah, I had to say
goodbye to her, too.
Well, really,
once I gave the money away,
she became dramatically
less interested in me.
No way.
Anyways, I will keep you
in my daily prayers
alongside Devon.
Okay. We we are nothing
like that monster!
And we are rewriting our history today!
And this is way too many beads!
You look like a taxi cab
seat cover. Come on.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, guys! Come on!
That took me all
[DEEP EXHALE]
No, no, no, no, no no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
[EXHALE]
I love the natural lighting in here.
It is just so warm
and inviting, you know,
like being inside a glass of Chardonnay.
[LAUGHS]
Three more months,
until I can have more than
half a glass a day.
Oh, yeah. I saw that this house
is just two blocks from
Brookside Elementary School.
That's one of the top-rated
schools in the city.
Honey, our kids could bike to school!
- Mmhmm.
- We're planning on having more.
Mm.
Are you planning on having kids?
- Of course.
- We're not.
Oh. You, Laura
You don't want to have kids?
It's just like every mom
I know is so miserable.
Not you though. You're gonna
It's gonna be so fun.
Yes, of course I knew that
about my wife.
[CHUCKLE]
She's just so focused
on her lawyer stuff.
All right, let's go this way, honey.
Okay, next, I'm gonna do
a thing about my brother
and Hurricane Sandy
and a raft. Just go with it.
Yeah. For sure. Hey, so when Laura says
that she doesn't want to have kids,
how does how does Isabelle
feel about that?
Isabelle hasn't really thought about it,
but I used to nanny these kids
and they do get you sick,
like, all the time.
Cool. It sounds like
everything's still up for discussion,
so that's good.
Good.
What do you mean, 'good'?
Good. Like everything's
still on the table.
Oh my God. What do
you mean by 'everything'?
Isabelle, you know what words mean.
I'm sorry. You're just, like,
weirding me out right now.
The way you're trying
to plan our future.
Well, do you ever think
about the future?
Okay. Those Japanese robot toilets,
definitely a sign of things
to come, but no.
Come on. Could we just put a pin in this
and go undercover some more?
No. Every time we start to
talk about something serious,
you want to put a pin in it,
and we never circle back.
And I'm just I'm running
out of pins here.
Okay. How could I know
what I want in the future?
It's the future.
Yeah, but I know I want to
have a house in the suburbs
with the mountains
just a short drive away.
And I want a hypoallergenic dog
that I named after Frank,
who died saving my life
on a kayaking trip.
And I want kids.
Two girls and a boy,
with a boy in the middle.
[SHRED] I want a little boy sandwich.
[ISABELLE] Oh my God.
Oh, no. Don't tell me you're leaving.
Unless you're running to
the bank to open a home loan.
Oh, no, we're actually pre-approved.
But yeah, this house just isn't for us.
- Not acceptable.
- Sorry?
You'd have to be a true idiot
to let this house go.
Are you true idiots?
No, it's just that the walls
are super thin.
We heard everything Laura and
Jeffrey were fighting about.
Who?
Going for a walk, Shred, Jeff!
Don't follow me!
But did you hear that?
This neighborhood is very
pedestrian friendly!
Walk score 67.
What? No way!
Everybody's just a walking.
[STRAINED LAUGH]
Were we a bit mean to Rick?
Absolutely not. Who do we call now?
I do have someone, but
you're not gonna like it.
I don't care.
The office lore has jumped the precinct.
Even Rick heard about it,
and he only has one ear.
It's Roman Park.
No. The sham of a dog trainer?
He doesn't have any money.
He lives with his mom.
Oh, no. He he leveled up.
What up my pack?
I'm celebrating my one millionth
follower by offering the top
He has a million followers?
He has two million followers.
This post is a week old.
Don't sleep on this woo, woo!
No, no, no, no, no
So, are you ready to suck up
to him or what?
Can't do it. I can't grovel to
that sentient garden gnome.
So, you want Frank-up
to become industry speak
for I'm a selfish snob.
[GROAN]
Why do great men have to face
impossible choices?
I don't think you're one of the greats.
Do you think he'll even take our call?
Oh, for sure. Yeah. He asks to
see pictures of my feet, weekly.
And then he sends me pictures
of his feet.
I cannot believe I'm stooping this low,
but I would give
that hairless cat of a person
a billion pictures of your feet
to not be codified in office lore.
Okay, do do not give
anyone pictures of my feet.
- You you brought it up.
- Just to be clear.
♪
- [BARKING]
- [ROMAN LAUGHS]
Well, well, well
[BARKING]
Never thought I'd see you two again.
[BARKING] [CLICK]
- Just come on in.
- Yeah.
It's a shoes off.
- I'm gonna leave my shoes on.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Inside. [CLICK]
[CLICKING] Inside. Just go inside.
Inside, inside.
Pretty sick place, huh?
Yep. Sick is right.
Can I interest everyone
in some pear juice?
My gal can whip some up. I have a gal.
Theresa!
Maybe she fled the country.
No, she's around. Big house.
Theresa!!!
Oh, she's around the orchard.
You know, so sit.
Oh.
Lovely.
So, what do I owe this inconvenience?
Actually, uh we need your
[GAGS]
Oh, this is tough.
I'm having bile come up in my throat.
We're looking for a financial
partner in a kennel facility.
Bup, bup, bup
I want to hear it from the big lug.
See if he can string
a few words together.
Well, as you may recall
from your attempted grift
of our facility.
Stand up, Frank.
Is this a presentation or not?
Thought you wanted this
to be at eye level.
[LAUGH] Oh my God.
Okay.
The animals are in desperate need of
new kennels and access to fresh air.
So I assume you've already
done the soil test on the land
underneath the new kennels.
Soil looks good to me.
Good enough to bury a body in.
[LAUGH]
Do you know what grade steel the kennels
will be constructed with?
I'm not going to lie to you. Yes.
I just forget.
Look, um
we might not have all the right answers,
but you are asking
all the right questions,
which is why we came to you, right?
Because you're so smart and so savvy.
[CHUCKLES]
Am I Frank?
Am I smart?
Yes.
And savvy.
Okay.
Say savvy.
Savvy.
Great. I'm interested.
I'll hear the real pitch from Emily.
We just got done telling you the pitch.
Ah, I just want to hear it from someone
who actually knows what
they're talking about.
So, just bring her to me.
Well, Emily has the plans drawn up,
so I'm sure she could
just email them to you.
Bring her to me ♪
I'm going down for a nap.
Stay here, 20 minutes.
Tick tock.
Hey.
Are you okay?
Oh.
I'm relieving you of toilet duty.
You're good to go.
Oh, great. 'Cause
II didn't really know
what I was supposed to be looking for.
How did it, um How did it go today?
Oh, you know, I don't know.
I was I was kind of distracted.
Me and Isabelle had a fight.
Yeah, I kind of heard.
The walls are pretty thin in this place.
Yeah, they gave us a deal on drywall,
and I'm pretty sure it's just styrofoam.
Mhm, yeah, probably.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Yeah. What are bosses for?
How did you know Rick wasn't the one?
- Oh, um
- That's weird.
That's a weird question. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
I think about it a lot,
actually. Um, it's
Well, the situation was
kind of complicated.
Yeah. Say no more.
Your business.
- I mean.
- We're leaving it there.
You know how relationships are.
Like, how did you know it was
time to break up with Camila?
Oh. Um
Also complicated.
Ain't that how it is?
It is, ain't it?
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh.
Oh. It's Frank.
Ooh. Frank.
Hey. What's up?
Wait. Really?
Oh my gosh.
Yes, yes.
No, no, yeah, of course
I can be there right now.
I'll leave right now.
Okay, great.
Frank and Victoria, think they
found an investor for the kennel.
I have a second chance! Why
did I eat so many potatoes?
Just go! Go, go, go! You got it.
I'm not really ready, though.
I don't have any of my binders with me.
And all the turf samples
are at the office.
You got this.
You're prepared for anything.
Okay. Yeah.
I mean, I do have backup binders
in my trunk,
and then I have Pepto in my glove box.
Yeah, okay! Thank you, Shred.
- I'm just gonna just
- Oh, sure.
for the road.
And what you have before you
is our full, comprehensive plan.
As you can see, with just a
modest increase in the kennel space,
the number of animals
we'll be able to save
is just staggering.
[DEEP EXHALE]
And I'll be able to sell my merch there?
Yeah.
I'm in.
Wha you're you're in?
You have a deal.
Frank, were you listening?
Now, this is how you make
a presentation.
Oh, my gosh!
Roman, you don't know how much
this means to me.
I don't.
- Thank you! Thank you!
- Okay.
You guys!
That was amazing.
Why do you smell like potatoes?
I ate four. What a day! I just
I can't believe you guys
made this happen.
And what a story this will make.
The bards of office history
shall sing of this day!
What?
This will be fun, Frank.
I'm excited to get to spend
a lot more time with you.
It feels like a water balloon.
I'm missing bones.
- [SPEAKING JAPANESE]
- Assistance needed.
I hate to see her like this.
I love Emily,
but how do you mess up
guarding a toilet?
This house is cursed.
We're never gonna unload it.
I needed that extra money.
Me too. Why did you need it?
Stupid dream, it's stupid.
All dreams are stupid.
I've always wanted to visit
all 32 major league baseball
stadiums in one season.
That dream's not stupid. That's fun.
But I'm sorry,
that's not going to happen.
Oh, no. I got, like, 20 side
hustles in play right now.
I just need one of them to hit.
Excuse me. Are you the realtors?
Because this place is amazing.
Uh, yes. Yes, we are.
And we'd be delighted
to tell you about it.
Oh, our toilet is excited too.
Won't you join us in the kitchen?
- Join us in the kitchen.
- Yeah!
- Malfunction.
- [LAUGHING]
Hey.
Hi.
So, uh, did Laura
completely blow things up with Jeffrey?
No.
Uh, Jeffrey's sorry things
got so out of hand.
Laura is realizing
that she's never actually
considered the future because
she's never had a reason to.
Well, uh, do you have a reason to now?
Maybe.
I am talking to Isabelle
and not Laura, right?
No. It's Julie.
Okay. I can't do another character.
No, no, no, no, Julie's my first name.
Isabelle's my middle.
I started going by it
in my 20s for tax purposes.
- What?
- Yeah.
There's still so much we need
to learn about each other.
I know.
For instance, my name
is not actually Shred, so.
I knew that.
Yeah.
Everyone! Barbecue in the courtyard.
We rewrote history so
we deserve victory bison.
Wait. What did you buy?
I told you to get turkey burgers.
I know, Bison's manlier
and goes better with rosemary aioli.
What do you guys think?
I got a hard hat for the groundbreaking.
- It's riding pretty high.
- Oh.
Here, I think you can
actually adjust it like that.
Oh, that's what that's for.
You had to test out
the new crossbow, Devon.
Hell of a shot, though.
Wiped out a whole freaking
species of fruit bats.
Yeah, that's way worse than what we did.