Austin and Ally s03e09 Episode Script

I can't believe the showers are broken the day coach Pollard makes us run five miles.
I can't believe you always wear so much makeup to gym class.
Some of us care how we look, Ally.
Guess what I'm ing this weekend? A homework assignment for physics class.
I'm so excited.
I'm sorry, have we met? Ally, that's Austin.
I get to make paper airplanes.
How fun is that? More importantly, you get to learn about the science of aerodynamics.
Huh.
Suddenly, it doesn't sound fun anymore.
Well, I'm gonna be busy this weekend too.
Yeah, because your skater boyfriend's coming into town.
- Ooh.
- Skater.
Guys, stop.
Jace is not my boyfriend.
He's just some guy that we all met on tour.
Who's coming all the way from Albuquerque to see you.
- Ooh.
- Boyfriend.
Albuquerque.
Guys, seriously.
It's not big deal.
If it's no big deal, why do you have his signed cast in your locker? Because he broke his wrist doing a trick he named after me.
The 360 Trish-flip.
It's difficult and will break you if you mess up.
Like me.
Hey, if you need dating help, you should talk to Dr.
Cupid.
Oh, the advice guy on the Marino high website? If Dr.
Cupid was any good, people would know who he was.
I don't trust anyone who has to hide their face.
Aah! Jace wants to video chat.
I have to hide my face.
Cover for me! Hey, Jace.
Oh, hey, Dez.
Uh, where's Trish? Oh.
Trish can't talk right now because she's looking all nasty and sweaty.
Be thankful you can't smell her - because it is - Whoa-ho-ho! Are you trying to make Jace not like me? I thought you said he wasn't a big deal.
Well Maybe he is.
I knew it! You do like him.
You're blushing.
Nope, that's just your sweaty makeup.
Okay.
I like Jace.
I really really like him.
I just don't want him to know yet.
I heard that.
When the crowd wants more I bring on the thunder 'cause you've got my back and I'm not going under you're my point, you're my guard you're the perfect chord and I see our names together on every billboard we're headed for the top, we've got it on lock we'll make 'em say "hey!" and we'll keep rockin' oh, there's no way I could make it without ya do it without ya, be here without ya it's no fun when you're doing it solo with you it's like, "whoa," yeah, and I know I own this dream 'cause I got you with me there's no way I could make it without ya do it without ya, be here without ya.
Lady and gentleman, the historic first flight of Austin airlines.
Austin, aerodynamics is very complex.
They gave you a physics book for a reason.
You should use it.
Great idea.
This page looks helpful.
No, that's not what I never mind.
Jace's plane is about to land.
I'm so nervous.
Why? Did Austin build it? No, I'm nervous because we're going out to dinner.
I really want him to like me.
Then why don't you ask that Dr.
Cupid guy for help? Only desperate losers go to Dr.
stupid.
Uh, it's Dr.
Cupid, and he's brilliant.
If you don't want to go to him, why don't you ask me for advice? After all, they do call me The love whisperer.
No one calls you that.
Nothing personal, Dez, but I wouldn't go to you for relationship advice if you were the last person on earth.
Ah, but if I was the last person on earth, you wouldn't need advice because you wouldn't be there.
Unless you were the last person on earth.
In which case, I wouldn't be there.
And that kind of crazy logic is exactly why I would never come to you.
Hmm.
Your loss, lady.
What am I gonna do about this date? Look, you don't need Dez or Dr.
Cupid.
I'll give you advice.
You know how you always say what's on your mind? Oh boy, here we go.
Yeah.
Maybe you should be a little more Not like that.
Also, I know when you get you get defensive and call people names.
I don't get defensive, you doof.
Yeah, like that.
Don't do that.
And wear something extra special.
And laugh at everything he says.
So what I'm hearing from both of you is don't be myself? It doesn't sound great when you say it like that, but yes.
Trish.
It's so awesome to see you.
Jace.
Muah.
Muah.
It is truly a pleasure.
Uh Thanks? I hope I didn't keep you waiting.
No worries.
I played drums with the bread sticks, and I built a house out of the bread sticks, and I ate the bread sticks.
Yeah.
There's a lot of things you can do with bread sticks.
That is so interesting.
I am just so interested in everything you say.
Yeah.
Thanks again.
There's that sense of humor I admire so much.
It wasn't a joke.
Hi, I'm Carrie.
This is my first night.
I'm so excited.
I can't wait to serve you.
Oh.
Wait a sec.
Hi, mom.
No, I'm not busy.
No way! You got new curtains? Excuse me? Can you bring us some water? Of course not, silly.
I'm on the phone.
Sorry, mom.
Some customer's on a date.
I don't think it's going well.
Good luck.
Can you believe that space cadet? Now now, Jace.
No name calling.
Let's not be rude.
No name calling? You can't go five minutes without calling someone a doof.
You seem really different.
Is everything okay? Just being my positive, not-mean self.
Are you positive you're positive? 'Cause the Trish I know is pretty negative.
Oh, Jace.
There's that sense of humor again.
It's like the harder I tried, the worse the date got.
I don't understand.
You and Jace got along so well back in Albuquerque.
Well, now that he's actually here something feels different.
I kind of know how that is.
When Austin and I dated, everything changed.
- It was - Hello, talking about me right now.
Me and Jace are supposed to hang out again tomorrow.
What am I gonna do? Oh.
Well, there is that Dr.
Cupid thing.
That help column for desperate losers? Give me your laptop.
Okay.
I'll just tell him what's going on, ask for his advice, hit send.
Now we just wait for him to respond.
It could be a while before Well, that was quick.
Huh.
Dr.
Cupid thinks I was trying too hard on my date.
He thinks I should just be myself "if he don't like you for who you is, he ain't worth it.
" Hmm.
That's good advice.
Bad grammar, but good advice.
Man, building a plane is hard.
At least that one didn't go behind you like the other ones.
Tell you what, Austin.
I'll help you.
You're clearly in way over your head.
Thanks, Ally.
Wait.
I can't believe you told that woman to shave her mustache.
Well, you're the one who said "what's up, bro?" Not my fault she looked like a dude.
You guys look happy.
Yeah, I finally got to hang out with normal Trish.
Not that weird, polite Trish.
Yeah, that Trish was pretty annoying.
We just had the best day ever.
I gave him a tour of all the places I've worked.
So I basically got to see all of Miami.
Well, I'm gonna go get you some fro-yo with rainbow sprinkles and cookie crumbs.
Sweeties for my sweetie.
I am pretty sweet, aren't I? Why are you still standing here? That's my Trish.
Looks like you might have yourself a boyfriend.
Yeah.
He knows your favorite toppings and likes it when you're mean to him.
He's a keeper.
And I owe it all to Dr.
Cupid.
His advice was perfect.
The guy's a love genius.
What is wrong with you? I know who Dr.
Cupid is, and when I tell you, you are going to freak out.
- Well, who is he? - He's me.
I'm Dr.
Cupid.
- No way.
- What? That's impossible.
Then how do I know that you sent Dr.
Cupid a thank you note that said "I wish I could give you a big hug.
" Oh! You are Dr.
Cupid! I'll take that big hug now.
How could you not tell your best friend about your secret identity? You didn't tell me you were an international spy posing as a pop star to steal the government's musical secrets.
Because I'm not.
Right.
I can't believe I took advice from you.
And it worked! You know, if you think about it, Dez says some pretty smart things.
Actually, don't think about it.
Just be happy he helped you.
What can I say? It's a gift.
I just wish I could share it with more people around the world so they can let their love fly free.
De seriously though, you give great advice.
Why don't you let people know who you are? I guess I'm just afraid people wouldn't take it seriously if they know I was the one giving them love advice.
Well, we're gonna change that.
Since you helped me, I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna introduce the world to Dr.
Cupid.
- Really? - Yes.
We'll do radio interviews, TV shows, book deals, everything.
I'll even write a Dr.
Cupid theme song.
Ally, for the last time, not everything's about you.
I really hope Dez's radio interview goes well.
After what he did for me and Jace, I really want to see him succeed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, it's like you're a totally different person.
When Dr.
Cupid blows up, I'll make millions.
Maybe not that different.
Welcome to love chat, pretty babies.
This is dj Sonny smooth, and today, we have a very special guest, Marino high school's love guru, Dr.
Cupid.
Great to be here.
Do I have to talk like this the whole time? No, that's my thing.
Aw, too bad.
This is fun.
Seriously, don't do that.
Okay, we've got a bunch of love questions from our listeners.
Happy to answer them.
"Me and my girlfriend go to different schools, so I don't get to see her enough.
I'm afraid I'm gonna lose her.
" You need to make the moments you spend together so memorable that she can't wait to see you.
Bring her flowers or a goat.
A goat? I never thought about giving my lady a farm animal.
That's smooth.
Here's another one.
"I'm dating this guy.
I love hanging with him, but I'm not sure I love him.
" When you're in love, u'll know.
The whole world is brighter.
Pizza tastes better, goats are cuter.
Wow.
You know a lot about love.
And goats.
I bet you're quite the ladies' man.
Oh, I've never actually been in love.
I've never even had a girlfriend.
In fact, I've never been on a date.
So if you've never been on a date, how can you call yourself a love expert? Because I have this doctor coat that says "Dr.
Cupid"? And this thing, and this thing.
So what I'm hearing is you are completely unqualified to give advice on love.
I guess I am unqualified.
You heard it here first, pretty babies.
Dr.
Cupid is a huge fraud.
Hey, lly.
Ready to help me build my paper airplane? Nope.
Because I finished the whole thing last night.
Ta-da! Wow.
Is that a flight attendant? Yep.
See how she's handing out those tiny bags of pretzels? Thanks for doing all this, Ally, but I feel kind of weird that I didn't help at all.
Well, there's still one decal to put on.
You can do that.
Okay.
Not there.
Not there.
- Ooh.
- You know what? I'll just do it.
- Hey, Dez.
- What's the point? Um, the point of saying "hello"? You heard dj Sonny smooth.
I'm a fraud.
This is why I didn't want anyone to know I'm Dr.
Cupid.
You still give great advice.
It doesn't matter.
Everybody has somebody except for me.
Trish has Jace, the president has the first lady, you guys have your weird thing.
I'm done giving advice on love.
'Cause I'm never gonna find love.
Dez, you can't give up.
You're The love whisperer.
Nobody calls me that.
Dez, wait.
Come back.
I feel terrible for him.
Me too.
Why are we whispering? I don't know.
Table for one at the lonely cafe I'm on a date by myself and it's my birthday.
Are you trying to write a song? I don't know.
It's what Ally does when she's upset.
Yeah, but I know how to play piano.
Dez, you have a lot to offer a girl.
You're funny, you're smart.
You're creative.
You've got style.
Oh, did you want me to say something? Uh You have red hair.
Your name is Dez.
Thanks, Trish.
Dez, you shouldn't give up on love.
You can't just quit something because it seems hard.
There's a girl out there for you.
Any girl would be lucky to have you.
You're right.
Maybe I haven't tried hard enough.
You know what? I'm not gonna give up.
I'm gonna go out there and find me a girl.
Whoo! Yeah! Oh, I see you're reading "the case of the missing diamonds.
" I read that too.
Did you get to the end where you find out the detective stole the diamonds? Oh! I did not see that coming.
Don't feel so bad.
At least now she doesn't have to read the whole book.
Poor Dez.
He is such a catch.
Again, I have no idea where that came from.
We have to do something.
I have an idea.
There's only one person who can help Dez.
Dr.
Cupid.
We'll get Dez to give himself advice.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
Exactly.
Neither does Dez.
Hey, Dez.
We know that Dr.
Cupid is retired, but we have a really good friend who needs help.
What's his name? Uh, zed.
- Bob.
- Mordecai.
Well, tell zed Bob mordecai to give up.
Love is a big waste of time.
At least listen to his problem.
Fine.
"Dear Dr.
Cupid, I've tried everything to meet a girl.
Exercise near them, ruined endings of books for them, but nothing's worked.
Please tell me what to do.
You're my only hope.
" What a loser.
He's clearly trying too hard.
You can't force love.
You have to let love come to you.
That's great advice, Dez.
Maybe you should take it.
What? We tricked you into giving yourself advice.
You're the loser! It was all my idea.
They were all like "oh no.
What do we do?" And I was all like "I got an idea.
" They didn't have an idea.
I had an idea.
It doesn't matter how great your idea was.
Even I can't help me.
Well that didn't work.
Yeah.
Whose dumb idea was that? You look like you just got rejected by a dozen girls.
You can tell that from looking at me? No, I literally watched you get rejected by a dozen girls.
Everybody makes dating look so easy.
It is easy, except for when it isn't.
Then it's hard.
You sound like you know what you're talking about.
Well, they call me The love robot.
Actually, nobody calls me that.
Anyway, I should go.
There's this new zombie romance movie - I want to see.
- "Tears of the dead"? I love zombie romance movies.
Really? Me too.
I would ask my boyfriend to take me, but I don't have a boyfriend.
I'm totally single.
Just like me.
Well Off to the movies by myself.
Carrie, wait.
Yeah? I forgot my backpack.
See ya.
Hang on.
You know, I once gave me some really great advice.
You can't force love.
You have to let love come to you.
I think that might be what's happening right now.
Are you asking me out? No.
I don't want to force love.
I'll just let you know that the movie starts in an hour, there'll be an open seat next to me, and I'd be happy if you ended up sitting in it.
Also, is my food ready? I ordered it like an hour ago.
Sorry.
I'll be right back with your burger.
It was a salad.
So how was your first date ever? A-mazing! She showed up and everything.
As tit w best night of my life.
Great.
Does that mean Dr.
Cupid is coming out of retirement? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need your advice again.
I'm your best friend, Trish.
Why don't you talk to me about I need good advice.
Dez, Jace is leaving out of town, and I need tips on how to handle a long-distance relationship.
You got it.
Dr.
Cupid will see you now.
Guess who got a great grade on their physics assignment? I knew it! You got an "A.
" Actually, I got a "B-.
" What? That was an "A+" plane.
It had beverage service! I didn't turn in your plane.
I made my own.
Why would you do that? I told Dez not to give up, so I couldn't either.
It was more important to me to accomplish something than to get a good grade.
And it turns out, I got both.
I'm really proud of you, Austin.
He thinks "B-" is a good grade.
Flowers? Pizza! I got you something else.
A goat?! You really do like me.