Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s03e09 Episode Script
Betty Getting Married
Scuse me.
Check out that booty.
- Check out that booty? - Yeah.
Oh, honey! Y'all into a three-way? - [Rock music plays.]
- [Laughs.]
Hi.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Compliments of that lovely woman.
Briefs, boxers, or commando? [Laughs.]
Oh, hello, there.
I just got my very first look at my new cookbook.
Isn't it beautiful? Betty, I didn't know you cooked.
Oh, this book contains some of my very favorite recipes.
"323-555-0154"? They make the greatest chicken parmesan.
Hey, come here.
Check this out.
I just made this, you know? Okay.
See that girl there? Okay, watch this.
[Warbling.]
[Laughs.]
Oh, wow! Check that girl out there.
Check that girl out there.
Okay, here you go.
[Warbling.]
[Laughs.]
Okay, see that girl there? Wow! Here, take it.
Take it! I'll give it to you.
Thanks! Scuse me, do you mind if I Instagram your food? Huh? My followers won't mind because they know everything about me.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh.
Hashtag "dreadful food.
" [Laughs.]
Hi.
Hi.
Oh.
[Inhales sharply.]
My arthritis is kicking in.
No.
Ahh.
You know, it makes it so hard to type.
Could I trouble you to log in for me? Sure.
Thank you so much.
It just comes on all of a sudden.
- _ - Yes.
Uh, let's see.
"I like it hard.
" It's all one word, lowercase.
Ah.
Thank you so much.
[Sighs.]
All righty, then.
[Exhales.]
I got to check my hotmail.
[Hot male.]
You know what I mean, don't you? No.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
Grooving on a girl who wears blue, blue velvet she don't wear no frown Excuse me.
Can you just help me? My name's Detective Yama, and I'm working with the police.
I wonder if you've seen a black female dressed in all black with sneakers with green shoelaces.
No.
You haven't seen them? Okay, well, if you do, will you call this number? You'd help us out a lot.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hi! I haven't seen you in so many years.
- Oh, my God! - Who? - Who are you? - I'm Ann.
Ooh, it's so good to see you.
I don't I don't know who you are.
Oh, honey.
Oh, my God.
This is so great.
Nice to see you.
You had that thing with that guy.
- It's been years.
- It's been years.
Yeah.
Nice to see you.
It's nice to see you.
Hello, hello, hello Woman: Excuse me, do you have a minute? I could use a little help.
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, my my, uh, pet bird passed away, and I want to have a little funeral for him.
- Aww.
- I know, and I wondered if maybe you'd just say a few words with me.
I'm not good at this.
Would you read that? "I hope your wings were full of air and your beak was full of bread, and may you rest peacefully, knowing that, instead of being buried, we've decided to cook you in a nice stew.
- Rest in peace.
" - I know that sounds strange.
It's adorable.
People are always asking me if I'd like to get married again.
I always tell them, "no.
And please, get up off your knee.
" Welcome to Hollywood! Welcome to Hollywood.
Welcome to Hollywood! Hi.
Thank you.
Aah.
Oh, oh.
Sorry.
Oh, oh, oh.
So sorry.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- What's your name? - Sarah.
- Hi, Sarah.
- Hi.
What's my name? Uh Grandma? [Laughs.]
Woman: What you got there? "The world's best grandma" mug.
Um My grandchildren gave me "the best grandma" mug.
She's so full of it.
- I'm the best grandma.
- Are you serious? There's only one world's best grandma.
And that's me.
That's what I think of your cup.
Come pick this up! - Come pick this up! - You pick it up! - Come pick this up! - You pick it up.
People don't know this about me, but I'm a great matchmaker.
Really? Absolutely.
Reatha, meet Joe.
[Chuckles lightly.]
See, I, uh I matched him for myself, but I have no trouble finding you somebody absolutely as good.
Well Almost as good.
Oh, girl Excuse me, miss.
Can you help me a minute, please? I left my glasses at home.
What does that sign say? I ca I can't see it.
_ No parking? You know what? But I'll take care of that in a minute.
[Can sprays.]
That'll do it.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye! Shut up! Sorry to bother you.
I have a date, and I want to make sure there's nothing stuck in my teeth.
Could you check that for me? - Sure.
- Okay.
What is th oh, my God! No, you're fine.
Oh, okay.
Nothing there.
[Laughs.]
_ I hate to ask you this, but I'm meeting a guy, and I said I'd be sitting here.
I don't want him to think that we're together, so if you don't mind moving What? But you are sitting next to me.
No, but this is where I said I would meet him.
- Here? Right here? - Right here.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm glad you're not a [Bleep.]
blocker.
I was just looking at your hands.
You've got absolutely wonderful hands.
I'm a hand-model agent.
Could you just show me some movement? I think we might be able to do something with you.
This could be very lucrative.
Six, times seven figures on these deals.
Are you left or right-handed? I'm right-handed.
Darn! Yeah.
If something changes, let me know, okay? Darn! Darn.
Stop! Hey, guys.
Can you take my picture? You want me to take a picture? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
I i it's like time-lapsed, - so just hold your finger on it a long time.
- Sure.
Okay, and get the people in back.
- Okay.
- Okay? A little lower.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
A little longer.
I want to see your face Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
What's your name? Uh, Raul.
Raul, you're a doll.
- I'm Ann.
- Okay.
Nice.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
You too.
Young ladies, could I ask your opinion on something, please? It's very personal, okay? If you guys were going out with a guy, would you guy to go with glasses or without glasses? Take off your glasses.
Okay.
Now, would you like him to wear the color blue, or do you like him to wear the color red? I like blue better.
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Got a hot date? Now, do you like a guy bald, or do you like him with hair? I like, like, really long hair.
You like long hair? Well, my God, look at this.
Here we go.
How's that? I'll pick you up at 8:00 tonight.
Would that be okay? [Humming.]
There.
Fair weather today, hey? Yeah.
I hear there's a storm a-brewing.
And I'm gonna get me a fish taco.
Yep.
[Laughs.]
Joanne from New York writes, "Betty, my boyfriend dumped me last week.
" Aw, I'm so sorry, dear.
"Do you have any tips on how to deal with a breakup?" Ohh.
Breakups are never easy, but here are some things that will help you get over being dumped.
Eat all the ice cream you want, watch every bad romantic comedy, and whatever you do, do not online stalk him.
I feel it's always much more effective to stalk in person.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Could I just set this in here for just a second while I find my phone in my purse? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh, thank you so much.
That's my perfect husband.
Oh.
I've been married four times.
I've got a little bit of all of them in here.
- Ronald's in there.
- [Cellphone rings, beeps.]
Oh, it's oh, oh.
Hello? Uh-huh.
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Hello? Can you hear me now? Okay.
Okay.
Maybe you can hear me.
You live around here? - Uh block down that way.
- A block down.
I'm looking for 1600.
This is 1718.
I tell you what just Watch this one second for me while I try to What the heck?! Man! What are you these are for kids! Do you believe this guy? Hello! Do you have time to sign a petition for me? It's a very important petition.
What do we got? This is a petition to end all petitions.
Yeah, what's the petition? Yeah.
To end all petitions.
Oh, it's literally a petition to end all petitions? Always sign the petition to end all petitions.
Thank you all so much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
- End all petitions! - Good luck! Thank you! Appreciate your help.
They say children learn more through play than anything else.
So I've decided to turn our playtime into a valuable lesson.
[Chuckles.]
And then they fall in love, and get married, and then they get divorced, and the wife gets half of everything, including future earnings Because they didn't have a pre-nup.
Let's go I'm sorry to interrupt.
How are you guys? Good.
I'm Dr.
Blakeney.
I'm with an organization called "Doctors Without Offices.
" - How are you guys feeling? - Good.
- No stress at all? - Uh, well, you know.
There's always a little stress.
My diagnosis, young man, is you need to get laid.
Can you write me a prescription for that? You bet.
Just say, "doctor's orders.
" Scuse me.
Could you help me a minute, please? You know technology.
I've run out of all kinds of batteries.
My cart doesn't work, and my phone's not working.
My nephew plugged it in over there by that big pole, over there.
And I have to call my wife.
It's very important.
Do you think you could follow that wire and see if it's plugged in? Thank you.
Just follow the cord.
See where it goes.
Should be right at the base.
Oh, my God.
Where is it? It goes into the ocean there.
It goes into the ocean.
Sir? Can you take your shoes off and go in? And I could, uh, get another plug or something.
Go in! Hey, hey o-o-o-o-h hey, hey o-o-o-o-h Excuse me, ladies.
Could you do us a favor and take our picture? Sure.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Count us down now.
Pow! Ow! Let me put that on my Facebook! I know.
Let me see.
[Laughter.]
Hi.
Can you help me? I just need turning a little bit.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Oh, that's oh, that's better.
I get a little more sun.
How is your day? Good.
Thank you.
How are you? Well, I'm trying to get over yesterday.
So, I use this.
Oh, right.
Great.
Fine.
It's vodka.
- You want some? - No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
You too.
Could I could I ask a favor? My wife is on the other aisle, right? I'm not allowed to eat this stuff.
If you don't mind, just let me put it in your cart.
Okay? And I'll pay you when we get outside.
- I'm leaving right now, though.
- Oh, that's fine.
I'm gonna grab some more ice cream and stuff, and I'll meet you out there.
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, ladies.
You must be here for the house party.
Come on over.
We're having a good time.
Chips? Chips? The party's over here.
How about some scotch? Like some? - Help yourself.
- [Siren wails.]
Oh, my God! Here comes the We're busted! We got to get out of here! Come on! They told us not to come in here anymore! Man: Well, I like doing it.
You know that I do.
Hi, ladies.
Let me tell you about the group I'm singing with.
We sing harmonies.
It's just a terrific group, and we're having a concert this weekend.
Oh, okay.
Think you might be interested? We're called [Bleep.]
Wagon.
[Laughs.]
Okay? Well, everyone, dig in.
It's very easy to forget the important things in life.
Luckily, my good friends and "O.
T.
R.
" cast are always here at the end of the day to remind me.
But if there's one thing I've learned today, it's that I can talk without moving my mouth.
[Warbling.]
Woman: Hello? [Warbling.]
Is that wild enough for you? Is that great? There's a rock.
Mmm.
That's what I think of your cup.
Check out that booty.
- Check out that booty? - Yeah.
Oh, honey! Y'all into a three-way? - [Rock music plays.]
- [Laughs.]
Hi.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Compliments of that lovely woman.
Briefs, boxers, or commando? [Laughs.]
Oh, hello, there.
I just got my very first look at my new cookbook.
Isn't it beautiful? Betty, I didn't know you cooked.
Oh, this book contains some of my very favorite recipes.
"323-555-0154"? They make the greatest chicken parmesan.
Hey, come here.
Check this out.
I just made this, you know? Okay.
See that girl there? Okay, watch this.
[Warbling.]
[Laughs.]
Oh, wow! Check that girl out there.
Check that girl out there.
Okay, here you go.
[Warbling.]
[Laughs.]
Okay, see that girl there? Wow! Here, take it.
Take it! I'll give it to you.
Thanks! Scuse me, do you mind if I Instagram your food? Huh? My followers won't mind because they know everything about me.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh.
Hashtag "dreadful food.
" [Laughs.]
Hi.
Hi.
Oh.
[Inhales sharply.]
My arthritis is kicking in.
No.
Ahh.
You know, it makes it so hard to type.
Could I trouble you to log in for me? Sure.
Thank you so much.
It just comes on all of a sudden.
- _ - Yes.
Uh, let's see.
"I like it hard.
" It's all one word, lowercase.
Ah.
Thank you so much.
[Sighs.]
All righty, then.
[Exhales.]
I got to check my hotmail.
[Hot male.]
You know what I mean, don't you? No.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
Grooving on a girl who wears blue, blue velvet she don't wear no frown Excuse me.
Can you just help me? My name's Detective Yama, and I'm working with the police.
I wonder if you've seen a black female dressed in all black with sneakers with green shoelaces.
No.
You haven't seen them? Okay, well, if you do, will you call this number? You'd help us out a lot.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hi! I haven't seen you in so many years.
- Oh, my God! - Who? - Who are you? - I'm Ann.
Ooh, it's so good to see you.
I don't I don't know who you are.
Oh, honey.
Oh, my God.
This is so great.
Nice to see you.
You had that thing with that guy.
- It's been years.
- It's been years.
Yeah.
Nice to see you.
It's nice to see you.
Hello, hello, hello Woman: Excuse me, do you have a minute? I could use a little help.
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, my my, uh, pet bird passed away, and I want to have a little funeral for him.
- Aww.
- I know, and I wondered if maybe you'd just say a few words with me.
I'm not good at this.
Would you read that? "I hope your wings were full of air and your beak was full of bread, and may you rest peacefully, knowing that, instead of being buried, we've decided to cook you in a nice stew.
- Rest in peace.
" - I know that sounds strange.
It's adorable.
People are always asking me if I'd like to get married again.
I always tell them, "no.
And please, get up off your knee.
" Welcome to Hollywood! Welcome to Hollywood.
Welcome to Hollywood! Hi.
Thank you.
Aah.
Oh, oh.
Sorry.
Oh, oh, oh.
So sorry.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- What's your name? - Sarah.
- Hi, Sarah.
- Hi.
What's my name? Uh Grandma? [Laughs.]
Woman: What you got there? "The world's best grandma" mug.
Um My grandchildren gave me "the best grandma" mug.
She's so full of it.
- I'm the best grandma.
- Are you serious? There's only one world's best grandma.
And that's me.
That's what I think of your cup.
Come pick this up! - Come pick this up! - You pick it up! - Come pick this up! - You pick it up.
People don't know this about me, but I'm a great matchmaker.
Really? Absolutely.
Reatha, meet Joe.
[Chuckles lightly.]
See, I, uh I matched him for myself, but I have no trouble finding you somebody absolutely as good.
Well Almost as good.
Oh, girl Excuse me, miss.
Can you help me a minute, please? I left my glasses at home.
What does that sign say? I ca I can't see it.
_ No parking? You know what? But I'll take care of that in a minute.
[Can sprays.]
That'll do it.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye! Shut up! Sorry to bother you.
I have a date, and I want to make sure there's nothing stuck in my teeth.
Could you check that for me? - Sure.
- Okay.
What is th oh, my God! No, you're fine.
Oh, okay.
Nothing there.
[Laughs.]
_ I hate to ask you this, but I'm meeting a guy, and I said I'd be sitting here.
I don't want him to think that we're together, so if you don't mind moving What? But you are sitting next to me.
No, but this is where I said I would meet him.
- Here? Right here? - Right here.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm glad you're not a [Bleep.]
blocker.
I was just looking at your hands.
You've got absolutely wonderful hands.
I'm a hand-model agent.
Could you just show me some movement? I think we might be able to do something with you.
This could be very lucrative.
Six, times seven figures on these deals.
Are you left or right-handed? I'm right-handed.
Darn! Yeah.
If something changes, let me know, okay? Darn! Darn.
Stop! Hey, guys.
Can you take my picture? You want me to take a picture? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
I i it's like time-lapsed, - so just hold your finger on it a long time.
- Sure.
Okay, and get the people in back.
- Okay.
- Okay? A little lower.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
A little longer.
I want to see your face Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
What's your name? Uh, Raul.
Raul, you're a doll.
- I'm Ann.
- Okay.
Nice.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
You too.
Young ladies, could I ask your opinion on something, please? It's very personal, okay? If you guys were going out with a guy, would you guy to go with glasses or without glasses? Take off your glasses.
Okay.
Now, would you like him to wear the color blue, or do you like him to wear the color red? I like blue better.
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Got a hot date? Now, do you like a guy bald, or do you like him with hair? I like, like, really long hair.
You like long hair? Well, my God, look at this.
Here we go.
How's that? I'll pick you up at 8:00 tonight.
Would that be okay? [Humming.]
There.
Fair weather today, hey? Yeah.
I hear there's a storm a-brewing.
And I'm gonna get me a fish taco.
Yep.
[Laughs.]
Joanne from New York writes, "Betty, my boyfriend dumped me last week.
" Aw, I'm so sorry, dear.
"Do you have any tips on how to deal with a breakup?" Ohh.
Breakups are never easy, but here are some things that will help you get over being dumped.
Eat all the ice cream you want, watch every bad romantic comedy, and whatever you do, do not online stalk him.
I feel it's always much more effective to stalk in person.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Could I just set this in here for just a second while I find my phone in my purse? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh, thank you so much.
That's my perfect husband.
Oh.
I've been married four times.
I've got a little bit of all of them in here.
- Ronald's in there.
- [Cellphone rings, beeps.]
Oh, it's oh, oh.
Hello? Uh-huh.
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Hello? Can you hear me now? Okay.
Okay.
Maybe you can hear me.
You live around here? - Uh block down that way.
- A block down.
I'm looking for 1600.
This is 1718.
I tell you what just Watch this one second for me while I try to What the heck?! Man! What are you these are for kids! Do you believe this guy? Hello! Do you have time to sign a petition for me? It's a very important petition.
What do we got? This is a petition to end all petitions.
Yeah, what's the petition? Yeah.
To end all petitions.
Oh, it's literally a petition to end all petitions? Always sign the petition to end all petitions.
Thank you all so much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
- End all petitions! - Good luck! Thank you! Appreciate your help.
They say children learn more through play than anything else.
So I've decided to turn our playtime into a valuable lesson.
[Chuckles.]
And then they fall in love, and get married, and then they get divorced, and the wife gets half of everything, including future earnings Because they didn't have a pre-nup.
Let's go I'm sorry to interrupt.
How are you guys? Good.
I'm Dr.
Blakeney.
I'm with an organization called "Doctors Without Offices.
" - How are you guys feeling? - Good.
- No stress at all? - Uh, well, you know.
There's always a little stress.
My diagnosis, young man, is you need to get laid.
Can you write me a prescription for that? You bet.
Just say, "doctor's orders.
" Scuse me.
Could you help me a minute, please? You know technology.
I've run out of all kinds of batteries.
My cart doesn't work, and my phone's not working.
My nephew plugged it in over there by that big pole, over there.
And I have to call my wife.
It's very important.
Do you think you could follow that wire and see if it's plugged in? Thank you.
Just follow the cord.
See where it goes.
Should be right at the base.
Oh, my God.
Where is it? It goes into the ocean there.
It goes into the ocean.
Sir? Can you take your shoes off and go in? And I could, uh, get another plug or something.
Go in! Hey, hey o-o-o-o-h hey, hey o-o-o-o-h Excuse me, ladies.
Could you do us a favor and take our picture? Sure.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Count us down now.
Pow! Ow! Let me put that on my Facebook! I know.
Let me see.
[Laughter.]
Hi.
Can you help me? I just need turning a little bit.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Oh, that's oh, that's better.
I get a little more sun.
How is your day? Good.
Thank you.
How are you? Well, I'm trying to get over yesterday.
So, I use this.
Oh, right.
Great.
Fine.
It's vodka.
- You want some? - No, I'm fine.
Thanks.
You too.
Could I could I ask a favor? My wife is on the other aisle, right? I'm not allowed to eat this stuff.
If you don't mind, just let me put it in your cart.
Okay? And I'll pay you when we get outside.
- I'm leaving right now, though.
- Oh, that's fine.
I'm gonna grab some more ice cream and stuff, and I'll meet you out there.
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, ladies.
You must be here for the house party.
Come on over.
We're having a good time.
Chips? Chips? The party's over here.
How about some scotch? Like some? - Help yourself.
- [Siren wails.]
Oh, my God! Here comes the We're busted! We got to get out of here! Come on! They told us not to come in here anymore! Man: Well, I like doing it.
You know that I do.
Hi, ladies.
Let me tell you about the group I'm singing with.
We sing harmonies.
It's just a terrific group, and we're having a concert this weekend.
Oh, okay.
Think you might be interested? We're called [Bleep.]
Wagon.
[Laughs.]
Okay? Well, everyone, dig in.
It's very easy to forget the important things in life.
Luckily, my good friends and "O.
T.
R.
" cast are always here at the end of the day to remind me.
But if there's one thing I've learned today, it's that I can talk without moving my mouth.
[Warbling.]
Woman: Hello? [Warbling.]
Is that wild enough for you? Is that great? There's a rock.
Mmm.
That's what I think of your cup.