Black-ish (2014) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Dre: The word "nepotism" is defined as The term originated when Catholic popes and bishops used to give their nephews important positions in the church.
Get it "nephew", "nepotism"? [Ding!.]
Nepotism is what this country was built on In politics, sports, entertainment, and even the manufacturing of affordable duck calls.
[Duck quacks.]
But if you're not lucky enough to be hooked up like that, you have to do it all on your own, which can be tough.
So I learned to work twice as hard to get what some of those nepotized people had given to them.
And eventually, the hard work I did paid off.
So I appreciate everything I got because I know I earned it.
It built my character, and I want that for my kids, which is why they won't be using my connections to get any shortcuts in life.
- Oh! Dre, thank God you're here.
- Mm-hmm? If Zoey is ever gonna get into college, she is gonna need you to use your connections to hook her up with an internship.
What? Zoey waited too long to find a college internship, and the only way she's gonna get one is if you help her.
What? Well, why didn't she ask me for my help? I was gonna text you about it.
I just got caught up with something.
Uh, Dad, uh can you help me with that thing Mom's talking about? - Look at her, Bow.
- Mm-hmm.
She expects everything to be handed to her on a silver platter.
But if she wants something, she's gonna have to go after it on her own.
Just like I did, Dad.
I wanted a job, so I went and got one.
Nice! You're now looking at the newest team member - of Pizza Possum.
- Huh.
The premier kids' arcade, playland, and possum-themed eatery.
Junior, what does this have to do with what we're talking about, hmm? Uh, everything? I segued into it.
I even used some of the same words you use.
Don't pay him any attention.
That is wonderful that you got a job.
- I'm proud.
- Thanks, Mom.
Hey, Zoey, I can pull some strings and get you an internship down at The Possum.
[Scoffs.]
I would not even want to own that place.
See? No work ethic.
Complete bum.
Well, Dre, she needs something that looks good on her college application, and quick.
Uh, I feel like we got off of my thing too fast.
Okay, Junior, enough, all right? We get it.
You have a job that nobody wants.
Hey, look here.
You're a big shot.
Why can't you get her an internship at the hospital? You don't think I tried? Yeah, if you could just give her something really small, I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sorry.
Who are you? R Uh, Rainbow Johnson.
We've done like 300 surgeries together? I saved your mother's life! Hmm.
Seems like I'd remember that.
Dre, you have so many connections.
Why won't you use them to help her? Because they are my connections.
I had to hustle hard to get my hookups.
All for Dad, none for you.
Got it? Good.
Let's roll.
You don't even like red Gatorade.
I don't need to like it.
I got hooked up because I am a trendsetter, a taste maker and a hustler.
Dre, you got hooked up because you got rear-ended by a manager from BevMo.
All I'm saying is that if Zoey wants an internship, she's gonna have to put in the work and get it herself.
Let her get her own Gatorade like I got mine.
[Scoffs.]
Mm.
Ugh! Should have taken the money.
They offered you money?! Diane: You've been at Pizza Possum for two days.
Why haven't you hooked us up with prize tickets? We have 20.
We're gonna need about 500,000 more if we want to get a lava lamp.
Diane: I want something sophisticated, like a hamburger phone or brass knuckles.
I can't be giving out favors willy-nilly.
I'm a valued employee.
They don't just give this to anybody with a vest.
Here, this opens all the token machines and arcade games.
I'll guard it with my life, sir.
Whatever.
If you lose it, use your fingernail.
Give me the key! I want the power.
Sorry, guys, but I can't help you.
He's right.
He can't help you.
He's got a new family now Corporate America.
His mother is capitalism.
His father is greed.
- His sister is the bott - Okay, stop! Just stop.
We get it.
Do not listen to him.
I am very proud of you, okay? Remember, Junior, you are more than just an ill-fitting vest.
Ill-fitting? You cannot possibly think this looks good.
What is that, burlap? It looks great.
You're great.
So don't listen to anything people are gonna say about you.
Just ignore everybody out there who's gonna call you "Pizza Nerd," "Name-Tag Boy," "Dummy.
" Who's calling me that? And people might be cruel about the way your mouth hangs open when you're listening.
Ignore those people.
Hold on.
Who is saying this stuff? People.
Thanks, but I think I'll be fine.
Okay.
I've got a job to do.
Oh, boy.
You're "people," aren't you? It's Mommy's job to be "people.
" Dre: To be honest, I was annoyed that Bow would even ask me to help Zoey.
I didn't use nepotism to get to where I am.
Why should my kids? You're right, Dre.
Nepotism is disgusting.
I mean, whatever happened to good, old-fashioned strong work ethic.
- Exactly.
- Mm-hmm.
Take my little Connie Now, he's not just gonna have the CEO position handed to him.
Damn straight.
But I am definitely gonna be CEO.
Of course.
You're my son.
But you are gonna have to work your way up from Senior Vice President.
Hold up.
I worked here 10 years before I became SVP.
He's SVP? Just of the urban stuff, sweetheart.
I want that, too.
Mm no, you don't.
Josh: I only used nepotism once To make out with my cousin.
No, Josh, that's incest.
No, it's not.
We were on Martha's Vineyard, and she was getting divorced.
Disgusting.
Charlie: I feel ya, Dre.
I went from working at Pan Am to slinging burgers at a drive-in.
Roller-skated up to Janis Joplin.
She asked me to hold the onions.
Man, I put a gang of onions on there.
[Chuckling.]
Trying to tell me what to do.
Pan Am and Janis Joplin Charlie, how old are you? Between 39 and 72.
What? I wasn't allowed to see my birth certificate Something about my father not wanting me to know who he was.
But the most important thing is I became something Junior Account Manager.
I work hard for everything that I got My Buick LeSabre, my book of CDs, my TV.
Well, almost my TV Only 30 more payments to the rental place.
[Ding!.]
[Ding!.]
But at least I can say I don't owe anyone anything.
Except your ex-wife.
And the government.
And that rental place.
And me for lunch yesterday.
Damn.
I owe a lot of people.
Dre, when I die, buy me a headstone, all right? Don't Don't let them bury me in the field.
Field funerals aren't fun Too many flies.
And then it hit me All the white guys at work had gotten ahead using nepotism, while Charlie is still paying off a $17.
000 television.
I couldn't let that happen to Zoey.
Before you ask, yes, my knitting club is making little bags to cover broken parking meters, and, yes, it was my idea.
- [Sighs.]
- What's wrong with you? I went to work, brought love and light to kids, then I saw some things Things I can never unsee.
Hey, hey! You don't dump old fries.
You marry them.
But the customer licked the salt off and put them back on their plate.
Then they're low in sodium.
We're doing God's work.
Junior: And that's not even the worst of it.
You know Pizza Possum's best-selling food item, the Possum Blossom? You assume it's just a whimsical name.
It is not.
Corporate America Anything to cut a corner.
I'm going to shower.
I feel dirty.
Ain't a loofah big enough to wash your conscience.
Oh, hey, Junior.
How's it going down at the P.
P.
? Did you have to use that fancy key? Did you play in the ball pit? Yep! All of that! Best job ever! - [Chuckles.]
- Awesome! Now go do your homework, and whatever you do, don't look up their Yelp reviews.
Yay! Junior: They're so innocent.
They'd never understand the truth.
But you do.
[Whispers.]
You do.
Zoey, I have the greatest news.
Is it that you didn't go out in that romper? That's definitely not it.
Ask anyone at my school.
Okay, what I was saying is that Mm-hmm.
I got you an internship at the hospital! Oh! I mean, I had to give up my parking space, but I was, like, one patient death away - from losing it anyway, so - [Door opens.]
- You're amazing! Thanks, Mom! - Ahh! Yay! - [Door closes.]
- Hey, everybody.
I have some great news.
What, that you didn't wear those shoes all day long? [Laughs.]
Mom, that's mean.
- No, I - That's a shame.
I pulled some strings with a client, and I got Zoey a fellowship at Teen Vogue.
Oh.
- Oh, my God! - Wh Hey! S-Sorry, Mom.
It's Teen Vogue.
I was gonna find a way out of your gross internship anyway.
Hey, mine's gross, too, all right? You're starting in the mailroom Rock bottom.
Still better than the top of the hospital.
Ahh! Mm, there you go! Bye.
Oh.
Did, um Did you go out in that? - Yes, I did.
- Hmm.
- Wha - Okay.
Dre: I thought about it, and everyone else has been using nepotism, and this is our first time that we're in a position to use it.
So you should be happy, because, thanks to me, Zoey will never be a 72-year-old Junior Account Manager who will be buried in a field like Charlie.
Wait, Dre.
72? ["Quantum Leap" theme song.]
Wow.
Yeah, he'll still never live long enough - to pay for that TV.
- Hmm.
I couldn't wait to bring Zoey over to Teen Vogue.
They love me there because of all the great work I've done for them.
- Dre! - Oh! There he is The man who talked us out of our Paul Giamatti cover.
I don't know how that got so much traction.
Ooh, what were you thinking? - But, Neil, this is my princess Zoey.
- Aww! I want you to treat her like garbage, okay? Throw stuff on her Clothes, hot coffee.
[Gasps.]
Have her make the hot coffee and throw it on her No, no.
No, no, no.
Have her throw it on herself, because I know you are a busy man.
[Whispers.]
And she's garbage.
Nice to meet you.
And, Neil, please do not let your love and adoration for me spill over onto her.
Put her in the mailroom.
We don't have a mailroom.
Whatever.
Put her in the basement.
Um, this isn't where we make the clothes, - but I hear ya.
- Mm! Come on, Zoey.
Let me show you your pen.
- Okay.
- Mm.
It's really a cute desk in the corner.
Okay.
Is that vintage Givenchy? Good eye.
- Thanks, I - Hey, peon! Quiet! Zip it! Neil, thank you.
I'm sorry about him.
Dr.
Rambo.
Rainbow.
I'd go with "Rambo.
" Yeah, people remember Rambo hero.
- [Sighs.]
- Anyhow, we got a ton of work to do.
Where's that intern you begged me to hire? I did beg, and you did hire.
[Both chuckle.]
S Uh, well, you just missed her.
She, uh Yeah.
S-She's here, just, you know - working hard.
- Oh, good.
Well, if she's not, it's on your head.
I don't do favors lightly.
And when I'm crossed, I react with great vengeance.
Ha! - That is a fun thing to learn about you.
- [Chuckles.]
Well, um, don't worry.
I will oversee Zoey, and it'll be like Like I'm doing the job myself.
All right, well, just have her jiggle the legs of the big guy at the end of the hall.
- Don't want his bed sores to burst.
- Hmm.
She will be the person to do it.
That arcade is awesome! And you know what makes it even more awesome? Liberal amounts of hand sanitizer! There we go.
Wow, those are a lot of tickets.
Yeah, thanks for the tip on Pound-A-Possum the other day.
We had some good luck.
Ow! Ow! This hurts so bad! How bad you want that lava lamp, boy? I want it! Mm-hmm.
Ow! Aah! Ow! Ooh, pizza! [Gasps.]
Don't eat that.
But Pizza Possum pizza is delicious.
It's so spicy and gamey.
Yep, and it's pizza.
[Chuckles nervously.]
But you don't want to fill up on that when there's all those tickets to win.
Yay! Yay! Sure.
You saved your family from Possum Pizza, but what about these other kids? [Whispers.]
For shame.
You could really clean this place up, man.
Come on.
Be a whistle-blower.
It's cool! - [Distorted.]
- Rachel Dolezal, the black president of the Spokane branch of the NAACP, has been lying about her age.
She was lying about her race.
The point is, I was brave enough to stand up.
You're right.
I should be an upstander, not a bystander.
If I could get corporate to clean up their act, this could be the "Totally possum" place my hat says it is.
[Gasps.]
Don't eat that! What, even the chopped salad? Especially the chopped salad! There are no knives in the kitchen.
Everything is done with hands and teeth.
[Gags.]
Guess what happened to me at Teen Vogue today.
- Hmm? - I got promoted! Already? - You've only been there a week.
- I know.
They let me help pull looks for an editorial shoot.
That's amazing! But you're mailroom garbage! Why isn't there coffee on you? Dre! T-They don't let garbage pull looks! Well, they did today.
I'm so proud of her! What [Sighs.]
Aren't Aren't we proud of her? No.
You don't get it, do you? The only reason she got promoted is because of me Oh.
Because I'm a superstar, all right? A legend, a wonderbread! [Scoffs.]
I think you mean "a wunderkind.
" - Obviously.
They're both great.
- Okay.
All right, she does not appreciate this.
Now she's gonna think this is how the real world works.
Dre, just give her this one.
- Of course you don't get it.
- Oh, my God.
You've never had to struggle a day in your life.
What?! Dre, I'm a black woman, and I went to medical school, and I have four children by a man-baby.
So do not talk to me about struggle, okay? You know what? - You've been living it up here, all right? - I've b Go to the refrigerator and eat your fresh fruit.
I was 22 years old before I had fresh fruit.
Okay.
I'm "living it up.
" Seriously? Every day is like a nightmare with you.
This is Andre Johnson Jr.
I'm going to expose Pizza Possum.
Shouldn't have shown my face.
I'll take that out.
Remember to take that out! Okay, let's put these on.
What are you doing? Iwear glasses now.
[Chuckles.]
They look like spy glasses.
No, that's the style.
My sister works Stop talking to me.
Oof.
Close call.
Oh, and here we go.
It's stakeout time, and I'm in it for the long Oh, my God! Happy birthday, little Henry.
I hope you wished for herpes.
So, maybe Bow was right, and I should just be happy that I'm able to help my daughter.
Lots of people who start with a leg up are still good, hard workers.
[Snores.]
Are you kidding me?! [Whispers.]
Shh! Do you know how hard it is to get him down?! [Grumbles.]
Great, great.
Now you've woken him up.
Mm.
Am I CEO yet? Almost, sweetheart.
Try to get a few more winks before your lunch break.
Here, have a sip-sip.
Watching this fool take a mid-morning nap, I knew nepotism might get Zoey ahead, but it also puts her in danger of being useless.
I couldn't let this happen to my daughter.
I shouldn't have sent that video.
They know! They're watching me! [Whistling.]
[Whistling stops.]
If they're willing to kill you, then that's the price we'll pay.
What? I'm 16! I-I've barely lived! Mm, a life sacrificed for honor is the only life to live.
Okay.
If they silence me, will you tell my story? Since you won't be able to hold me to it, yes.
So, I went over to Teen Vogue to save Zoey from becoming a worthless loser.
Hey.
I demand that you demote Zoey Johnson.
Excuse me? You are the editor, right? Well, that depends How crazy are you? I will not let you turn my little girl into a useless, entitled brat who is sleeping her way to the top, like Connie Stevens.
Okay, you're that kind of crazy.
Right, I must sound ridiculous.
I-I meant "napping".
Napping her way to the top.
B-But the point is, Zoey is unqualified and does not deserve that promotion.
Zoey: Thanks, Dad.
That voice I heard belonged to my daughter, didn't it? I believe that's why she called you "Dad.
" What is going on, and why are you making my staff cry? Hey, look, I'm doing this for her own good.
I-I know you're only giving Zoey the special treatment because of my star status, my unparalleled genius, my wunderkind.
You have no idea who I am, do you? - No, I don't.
- Hmm.
But that young lady that you just insulted She is a star.
And if there's anyone getting a promotion at Teen Vogue, it's because they deserve it except my assistant whose dad owns the company.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did you just say my daughter's a star? I did.
And now I'm calling security.
Boom! I did it! I got an e-mail from Pizza Possum HQ.
"Dear Andre Johnson Jr" You gave them your name.
Bold.
Well, I forgot to cut it out of my exposé video.
But listen "Thank you for bringing to our attention the unacceptable practices at Branch 641.
Be assured we will take immediate action to rectify this situation.
We will not play possum with these accusations.
" I did it! Whistle blown! - Junior - Whew.
Today you made a lot of kids happy.
- I hate you.
- You ruined my life.
I just wanted them to clean it up for you.
Get off you high horse, Long Head.
Who thinks pizza places are clean, huh? Now our tickets are worthless.
Hey, at the end of the day, I did the right thing, and I've got my integrity.
Rainbow: Thanks a lot, Pizza Nerd! [Engine revs, tires screech.]
Was that Mom? [Scoffs.]
No, that was just "people.
" I'll send it to you.
All right, that's great.
Thanks.
Okay.
Hey.
Are you here to throw coffee on me? Okay, look, I don't have that much time before security finds me again, so let me get this out.
Mm-hmm? Elaine tells me that you're a star.
Well, I am.
I'm kind of killing it around here, despite what you obviously think.
I'm sorry.
But Elaine says you have great ideas.
Re-creating Anna Wintour's first Vogue cover That's dope.
How did you come up with that? It just came to me.
All of this stuff sort of comes easy to me, like you with advertising.
Hey, I killed myself to get where I am in advertising.
When I was coming up, I had to fight for every opportunity I got.
And it was that fight that made me appreciate it more.
I guess that's all I ever wanted for you.
You think I don't appreciate this job just because you gave it to me? Look, sure, I hooked you up, but my star power, - it will only get you so far.
- Ooh, okay, Dad, I don't think you have as much star power as you think.
Exactly! What I mean is that I can get your foot in the door, but you're gonna have to go the distance on your own.
That's fine.
And I'll work just as hard to get to where I want to be as you worked to get to where you are.
[Chuckles.]
You will, won't you? Yeah, so just let me do my thing.
I'll figure it out.
I won't be there to catch you if you fall.
Don't expect you to.
What are you working on? I found this app where I can put together looks to style my own editorial shoot.
Mm-hmm? I'm just practicing.
That's what I'm talking about.
Ah, papaya.
Must be nice.
Didn't have that till I was 30.
Never had mango.
Not now, Dre.
I earned this.
This is the first fresh thing that I've seen all day.
Ugh.
[Gags.]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Okay! Oh, my Oh.
Oh, God.
It's pee.
- Interns work very hard.
- Mm-hmm.
So hard, in fact, that they get promotions and more hours, and then they just start thinking about the benefits of amphetamines.
Okay.