Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e09 Episode Script

- Head butt! - Ahh! You ready for the game, Moran? Please don't headbutt me again.
Yeah! Yeah! Look crazy.
It's time to fight with me.
Headbutt me for real, this time.
First team! Blue 16! Uh-oh, here comes the play! Hut.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Yes yes! Hey, that's the hardest goddamn hit I've seen all season! Bring it in, bring it in! That's what I wanna see on Saturday! Northern Tech has the highest scoring offense in the nation and I don't want those pricks near our end zone! Yeah, it's gonna be a high-scoring game, boys.
Two great offenses going at it.
Yeah! Hey, call me when our offense is scoring Then we'll draw comparison.
- All right, let's go.
Go! - Yeah! You hear that, defense? It's up to us on Saturday! Yeah! It doesn't hurt as much when you're wearing a helmet.
Whatever.
It doesn't even hurt.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
- Hey, bu-- ho ho! - Don't come in, Alex! Damn it! - What does the sign say? - "Jerking off.
" Which means I'm jerking off.
If I was not jerking off, it would say "not jerking off.
" But I was jerking off, so it says "jerking off.
" I was-- I'm sorry.
I won't walk in on you jerking off - hopefully ever again.
- Up top.
- Too slow.
- Everything all right? Never felt better.
Mascot, the keg needs to be changed.
Look, could you just stop jerking off for about an hour - and come down to the party, please? - For one hour! - Fine.
- And then come right back up here.
I'm jerking off again.
Huh? Up top.
Too slow.
Pour me another one.
I'll be right back.
Up top.
Too slow.
Up top! Yeah, you've been doing the up-top-too-slow thing - for the past hour.
- I have? - Yeah.
- Oh shit.
Come here.
Moran, I'm about to tell you something - and you can't tell anyone.
- Okay.
I have a "C" word.
- What? A concussion? - Never say that word.
Concussion? Okay.
- We call it a "C" word.
- Mm-hmm.
You can't tell anyone.
Couple of years ago I got one and the guys messed with me real bad.
I won't tell anyone about your "C" word.
I want you playing Saturday as much as you do.
Cool beans! If you see me do anything stupid, just let me know.
Wish I was jerking off.
I hate changing kegs in the basement.
Ooh.
Nice.
"Greasy coconuts.
" Don't mind if I do.
Here we go.
Ooh, okay.
That looks nice.
Ooh.
Oh yeah.
Shit! Stupid nipple! Come on, signal.
Shit.
Help me! Hey, man.
Why are you putting on my Jersey? Uh-oh.
Looks like we've got a little jokester on our hands today, you know? Here.
Come on.
- Yeah, hi.
- You-- you suck at this, Moran.
I might as well be looking after myself.
Mm-hmm.
What's that? Whenever I get a "C" word, I write stuff on my arm to help me remember.
How about we write your number on there, huh? - That's my favorite number! - I know.
Hey, coach.
We've got a problem.
Okay, what's going on with you two? If you say anything about me having a "C" word, I swear I'm gonna murder you.
Did you say "C" word? - Mm-hmm.
- What? Thad might have, like, a little tiny concussion.
Don't ever say that word in my office! - Concussion? - Damn! This week of all weeks.
Jon Jon, call the doctor.
We have to get Thad an evaluation.
Why the heck isn't anybody looking for me? I've been down here for 12 hours! Oh my God.
I forgot to flip the sign back.
No-oo! Okay, Thad.
We gave you a memory test your freshman year to determine the baseline score for you.
You scored a two out of a possible 30.
Now I'm gonna give you the same test.
If you score lower than a two, which is almost impossible, I won't be able to clear you for Saturday's game.
Okay, begin now.
He scored a one? Are you frigging kidding me? I can't clear Thad to play.
No.
No, please! I already missed one game this season.
The team can't win without me.
- Please.
No.
- But if you want, coach, what I can do is pretend this test never happened.
You pay my salary; I'll do whatever you think is best for the team.
How many people know about this? As far as I know, just us.
You have to let me play! It's not like I'm gonna get any dumberer.
He's got a point.
Okay.
What happened here today didn't happen here today.
No one can know about this: No coaches, no players-- nobody.
Oh my God.
Thank you so much, Dr.
Brooks.
- Thank you, coach.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay, Thad.
Now, Thad, it is very important that you follow these three rules - during practice this week.
- Okay.
- No running - Okay.
- No lifting - No.
- And no hitting.
- Why? Because you have a concussion.
I do? Oh my God, doc, please don't tell coach.
That, I already know.
Oh shit! Where am I? Poster of me.
I must be in my room.
And that's the reason I can't get the smell of catnip off of my anal beads.
Okay.
Bye.
I'm getting a whiff of something.
What's up with Thad? All right, I'll just go ask him myself.
Okay, Harmon.
Fine, okay.
Thad might have, like, - a small concussion.
- I knew it! You're using him to get your pancakes.
I'm not using him.
I'm helping him.
All right, the pancakes are just a reward.
He'd do the same to us.
This has to stay between us.
I promised the coach that I wasn't gonna tell anybody.
Of course! You can trust me.
Mm, pancakes.
God damn it! Okay okay.
Sammy Cacciatore.
Day 2 of being trapped under these weights.
I just got done drinking my own urine in order to preserve the only liquids that I have left-- ice-cold beer.
No posters of me.
- This is not my room.
- Hello? - Hello! - Mascot? Oh Thad! Thad, thank God.
Please, quick-- take these weights off me.
Oh God, thank you.
Thank you.
- I can't lift things.
- What? Don't worry though.
I'll be right back with help.
What? Okay.
Yes! Oh oh oh oh oh.
What the hell, I can get one more in before they come, huh? Oh yeah.
Guys! Guys! Whoa! Hey, what's up? I just wanted to see if, uh, you guys wanted some more chocolate chip pancakes.
No, I-- I thought you'd never ask.
Good.
Good.
That's the T-formation.
- T-formation? - Mm-hmm.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Today, we're gonna run practice at half speed.
Half speed? Coach, come on.
How do you expect my offense to be ready for Saturday - running half speed, really? - You'll figure it out.
Let's go, boys.
Hey.
Hey, Thad, you got that 50 bucks you owe me? - What 50 bucks? - You don't remember? Is something wrong with you? Course I remember, you stupid idiot.
- Thanks, bud.
- Did Harmon tell you? Yeah, but I didn't tell anyone.
Don't worry.
- Thanks, Donnie.
- Except Larry.
- What?! Shit.
- Come on, let's go.
Come on in.
Where am I? I'm wearing a football uniform.
I must be playing football.
Good play, Castle.
Good play.
- What the hell was that, Moran? - I guess I telegraphed it.
I-- very nice.
- Hey, Larry.
Larry.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good work out there, man.
- Oh.
- Nice hustle.
- Thanks.
So I'm guessing you heard the news about Castle, huh? - What news? - You haven't heard? Oh, just forget about it, you know.
I guess he only told his close friends.
No, I'm-- I'm actually his best friend.
And if you're talking about the concussion, I already know about it.
It's not a big deal.
He's had them before.
Pretty funny actually.
It's kind of a tradition to mess with him so-- I'm actually not supposed to tell anyone.
- Oh, scout's honor, man.
- Thanks.
Ugh.
Yes! Gotcha.
Hello?! Hello? - This is not my room.
- Hello? I'm down here! Thad?! I've been down here for two days, man.
- Where the hell have you been? - Wouldn't he like to know? Wouldn't you like to know? Quick! Lift these weights off of me! Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- I'm gonna go get some help.
- What?! No, wait! Get back here! Why the hell are you doing this to me?! Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Coach? What are you doing here? I know about the "C" word.
Oh please, coach, you can't tell anyone.
I have to play tomorrow.
Relax, buddy.
Come on, have a seat.
Thad, you're gonna play tomorrow.
- Oh God! - And then after the game, I'm gonna go to the athletic board with proof that your head coach allowed a concussed player to take the field during a game.
And that will be the end of coach Daniel's career at BMS and the genesis of mine.
- You can't do that.
- Oh, I'm going to do it.
And do you know why I can tell you that I'm going to do it? Because the second I walk out that door, you're gonna forget that I was even here.
Hey, good luck.
Concentrate, focus.
Find a marker.
Find a marker.
Find something to write with.
Shit.
Wait, wh-what am I looking for? Hey, how's it going? - Pretty good, coach.
- Good.
Listen, I just stopped by to say, you give them hell tomorrow, okay? Oh thanks.
Oh hey, not for nothing, but I noticed the guys giving you a hard time on the field today, - playing pranks.
- Pranks? Like why would you be making Alex Moran pancakes? And what's this one? Yeah.
Yeah, you need to think twice about who your friends are.
Hmm.
Moran's messing with me.
What? How could I have been so stupid? Bye.
Hey, Sammy, we've got a game in, like, three hours! You've got a serious problem.
Where am I? Poster of me.
I must be in my room.
Nipple.
Congratulations, Sammy! You did it again! "Oh hey, Alex.
How did your best friend Sammy die?" "Oh, he was a selfish lonely guy who liked to jerk off every minute of his horny life!" Why do you do this? I don't know why I do it! Oh.
Ooh.
That's sharp.
What's one nipple, right? So right here is the T-formation.
Remember that and everything? And the guys dropped into a wishbone Why is he showing me these photos? Wait, why is coach Gilday at the goat house? Not sure and not telling.
Say that out loud to him.
Not sure and not telling.
Thad, you ready for the big game today, huh? - Yes sir.
- Yeah.
What a day, huh? What a beautiful day.
Thad, you said you'd try my apple cider before the game.
Stop! This is getting out of hand.
- He'd do it to us.
- He probably would, all right? But if we based all our actions on "what would Thad do," - the world would be a terrible place.
- Don't listen to him, Larry.
I would love to try your apple cider.
Thad, I've got a bad feeling.
I gotta tell coach you can't play today You promised you'd help me! So good Yes.
Yes.
Please be beer in here.
Please be beer in here.
Oh, it's not pee.
It's not pee! Coach, Gilday knows - about Thad's "C" word! - Liar! I told a couple of guys about Thad's condition and they started messing with him.
- You know, Gilday must've found out.
- I knew I couldn't trust you! - That's why I wrote it on my arm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, oh yeah, you little traitor! - Hey hey hey! Both of you relax.
Even if Gilday knows, there's nothing he can do about it, because I have all my bases covered.
The evaluation-- it never even took place.
Besides, look at Thad.
- He looks great.
- Thanks, coach.
Hey, how many three fingers am I holding up? - Three? - Bingo.
Just concentrate on the game, okay? What's happening? Okay, I'm in the locker room.
I see football players.
Must be game time.
Hey, smile, Moran.
It's a beautiful day.
All right, guys, let's go get them! Let's do it! Go! Go Thad! Whoa! I was down there for three days.
Thad? Thad, can you hear me? Did we win? My hands are tied here, coach.
I can't clear him to play.
- Oh shit! - No no no! Thad has got to play! He's got to! We need him out there.
You said so yourself! Well, I guess it's up to the offense today.
- But-- - I want 35 points by half time.
Come on guys, let's go! Thad, you're fine, buddy.
You're fine! Come on, up you get.
Let's go.
Your apple cider tastes like piss, Larry.