Bojack Horseman (2014) s03e09 Episode Script
Best Thing That Ever Happened
1 - [sighs.]
- [cell phone rings.]
BoJack! Beautiful day, huh? Perfect day to go outside, not read the trades or talk to anyone in the industry or watch entertainment television or have a gut feeling about the ratings for your television show last night.
- Princess Carolyn, I'm dying.
- You read the trades.
My heart is in my stomach, my stomach is in my butt, and my butt ran away with the spoon.
That makes sense because your butt is quite a dish.
Can you come over? I need you.
[sighs.]
What the? I ordered a few feel-better pizzas to feel better.
It did not work.
Then I sprinkled happy pills on them, and washed it all down with a "Please, God, make my pain go away" vermouth and ice cream float.
- Somehow I feel worse.
- That's a real mystery.
My show was terrible.
Why did insist on a mockumentary format? It's already an overused trope now, in 2007.
Hey! Mockumentary is not a trope, it's a device for storytelling.
And your show is daring and cutting edge.
People just aren't ready.
Yeah.
Yeah, people! It's not me.
It's the people that are the problem! Everyone's dumb and I am great.
Why do I always forget that? That's the spirit.
I'm starting to think this show is the best thing that happened to me.
- Really? - Yeah.
It made me realize you're the best thing that happened to me, with your sexy cat eyes and your cute little hair curl.
You look like a soft serve strawberry ice cream.
BoJack, we can't.
I'm your agent.
You are so much more than that.
You're my lighthouse, my Garmin.
You're the little plastic table they put in pizza boxes to keep the pizza from getting smushed.
You're Princess Carolyn.
[both moan.]
Don't you break my heart, BoJack Horseman.
- What? - What? Nothing.
- Did you just say something to me? - No, I was just being wistful, I guess.
Well, can you be wistful a little quieter? - Not everyone is interested in your wist.
- Okay, BoJack.
- You smell nice.
- Thanks, BoJack.
[funky electronic music.]
[Carolyn laughs.]
Okay, gotta go.
I'm about to meet my most important client.
- I know you're not really on the phone.
- Bye, Mr.
President.
Give my love to your basketball friends.
You too.
Should we get dinner, or are you just thinking drinks? - I'm not planning on staying long.
- Okay.
I'm glad you wanted to meet, because I am so pumped to tell you all about the exciting projects I'm lining up for you.
That won't be necessary.
Once you get your Oscar nom, we'll have our pick.
That's the key.
You think Halle Berry would've been offered Catwoman if she wasn't an Oscar winner? We just gotta find you your Catwoman.
I'm not sure if a Catwoman is really the best thing for my career right now.
Right, well, like I said, we are getting lots of offers.
Listen, Princess Carolyn Signore Horseman! Principessa Carolina! Sandro, how you doing, you handsome devil? To be honest I am, how you say, sweating bull's nets.
- You mean sweating bullets? - I don't think so.
Sweating bullets.
How does that make the sense? How does sweating bull's nets make sense? I don't want to be caught in bull's nets.
He may try to kiss me.
I prefer kissing cows.
No judgment, just a preference.
I love kissing cows! Don't tell my wife.
I'm kidding! She knows.
She's a cow! And I only kiss her.
[laughs.]
Okay, very good.
Haven't you lived in America for 30 years? Ignore him.
Why are you sweating bullets and/or nets? Ah.
Because there is a restaurant critic here tonight.
Very interesting.
Critics are the worst.
That's my review of critics.
Two thumbs down! Four percent fresh! One star! You all eat a flat butt! Did you not know there was a critic here? You own this place.
I never see you do anything to help run it.
This place runs itself.
Right, Sandro? Well, my wife and children and therapy man may not agree so much, but if you say so, Signore Horseman.
Even his wife and kids and therapy man agree.
Well, as the Black Guy Pete say, "Tonight's gonna be a good night.
" Please.
Enjoy.
I know you're not happy about what happened with the Kelsey project.
I pushed a little too hard to get you the money you deserve.
What can I say? Sometimes I'm too good of an agent, so deals fall apart.
That's a thing that happens when agents are really good.
- That's not - Moving forward! I know you're not happy with how I handled Ethan Around.
- Or didn't handle it.
- Bygones! It was because I was busy getting you the Pegasus movie, which I know you did not get, but trust me, you'll see not getting these movies was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Onwards and upwards! Tally ho! To the stars! Okay, you're forcing me to use the cards.
"Princess Carolyn, clear throat, I have been very disappointed" Ring! Hello, Your Highness.
It's a king, I have to take this.
In the bathroom.
[repeating.]
Oh, fish, oh, fish! [female.]
Who's out there? Are you talking to me? No.
[sighs.]
All right, Pink Lady, think.
- [female.]
Are you talking to me? - Are you a pink lady? [woman.]
I was a Pink Lady in my high school's production of Grease.
- Were you Rizzo? - [female.]
No, Jan.
Then don't waste my time.
Now, let us bow our heads and bray.
[all bray.]
[grunts.]
[whispers.]
Yes, right away! So back to what you were - Oh, my goodness, what is this? - Yeah, what is this? Happy 23 years working together - Join me - Oh, my God.
- Twenty-two-three, 23 years - Twenty-three years You're making this up.
Happy 23 years working together Can you believe this? - Two plus three equals 23 - This is just stream of consciousness.
Twenty-three years working together! Twenty-three years Okay, cool.
Can you believe it, BoJack? It's been almost a quarter of a century.
Talking on the phone pretty much every day, sharing our deepest dreams and secrets, being there for each other through all of it, bosom friends, Anne of Green Gables style.
Let's toast to another 23 years.
What do you say? - You're fired.
- Uh Oh.
I can't believe this.
You're firing me? - Me? - What? No.
You have no idea, everything I do around here! - Half the kitchen staff is my family.
- No.
- Honestly, just - I detest you! I hope you rot in the hell! - We're headed down a road that - You washed-up has-been no-good joke! You are the opposite of an onion, because if I cut you, I am no gonna cry.
Well, now you are fired.
Good luck finding another charming first-generation Italian immigrant with this kind of darling accent, who makes equally delightful malapropisms! You, sir, have just cut off your nose and thrown Sprite in your face! I am a classic stereotype that is tough to come by nowadays, because Italians don't emigrate so much to America no more.
Botticelli, Barbarelli, Beetle Bailey! Modigliani, Masaccio, Marmaduke! Avanti, all of you! Andiamo! [laughs nervously.]
So that was weird, huh? Please stop looking at me.
Too bad about Sandro, huh? You're the one who's fired, obviously.
Right.
Ryan Murphy is doing a re-imagining of The Life and Times of Harriet Tubman.
But in this version, she's a tub-man, with the comparative strength and agility of a tub! - PC.
- He's looking for someone to play the Underground Railroad conductor.
Great, but you don't represent me anymore.
Okay, I get it.
I'm fired.
Sheesk.
You're gonna spend a couple days being mad at me, then I'll get you another gig, and you'll be my client again, just like every time.
Can we get past the part where you're mad at me and get to the part where you're stealing General Lee's plutonium to fuel your subterranean steam-punk slave-tram? "It's best, for both of us, if we end this relationship once and for all.
" I'm sorry I screwed up, you don't have to read off the "You take me for granted, made decisions that were against my wishes, and worst of all she's got my globes a-warming!" - How did that get in there? - What is that? A punch line to a joke from the roast of January Jones.
- A global warming joke? - It's an important issue.
Here we go.
"Our relationship no longer has any" "January has only gotten hotter and hot" Nope.
Were you at the roast of January Jones? No, but I wrote some jokes in case someone got sick and they needed a backup.
Do you even know January Jones? Why would they call you? I guess I thought that my agent could get me in the mix if Jason Sudeikis How did these get out of order? So in the joke, are the globes your balls? And they get warm when you see January Jones? Is that how balls work? I don't know.
It's a work in progress.
Professional integrity! "Our relationship no longer has any professional integrity.
So it's gotta end.
Stand to leave.
" Shouldn't have read that part.
"When you reflect on this, you'll see it's best for both of us.
Exit restaurant.
" Goddamn it.
Wow, that was I don't know what that was.
Hey! Where are you going? - Who gave you this idea? Spanakopita? - This has nothing to do with Ana.
Here you go, sir.
- I'll get it! - You two are b'thumping.
Now you do whatever she says? - Is that what's happening? - No.
No, you're not b'thumping or no, you're not doing whatever she says? - I'm not doing whatever she says.
- So you are b'thumping.
I understand from context what you mean, but there's no way b'thumping is a thing.
I'll get it! You don't have to do everything your little falafel pocket tells you to.
- You screwed up! - Once! In 23 years! I'll get 'em.
All these years I carried you, when no one wanted to work with you.
I still managed to get you jobs.
And then you would flake, or sabotage them, or get wrapped up in some crisis or emergency or vague sadness.
Everyone told me to dump you my bosses, film execs, directors, they all told me you were washed up, a nobody, a has-been, - a joke, too portly for TV.
- Too portly for TV? Who said that? - It doesn't matter.
- It does.
Who said it? Luis Guzman.
Luis Guzman said I'm too portly for TV? You're right, BoJack.
This is for the best.
I no longer have to lug your talentless, self-centered, self-sabotaging, dead-weight carcass of faded talent around my neck.
- Hey.
- Thank you for firing me.
I'm gonna go pour myself a little celebratory potato juice, because this is the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey! Hey! Hey! [groans.]
Ha, ha! I'll get it.
You do not talk to me like that and walk away.
Oh, no? What's happening? This is so weird.
I'm walking away, even though you told me not to.
Right, I don't work for you anymore.
- Hey! - Excuse me, Mr.
Horseman? Not now.
We have a slight problem in the kitchen.
- Where is everybody? - That's the problem.
They all quit.
The kitchen's backed up with orders.
No one's getting food.
And the critic is growing very impatient.
Writing that down - Just do what you normally do.
- But there's no chef.
Tonight's your lucky night.
You just got promoted.
But I don't want to be a chef.
I want to sing Kidding.
I'm actually just happy being a waiter.
I'm not my job.
- A lot of people think that - You're the chef! Start cheffing! Oh.
[giggling.]
[murmuring.]
What? Fifty teeth? Get out of here.
Let me see.
- Ahh - Would you look at that.
You're thrilled to have me out of your life? - I was such a burden all those years.
- Can I close my mouth now? - Know what I think? - Don't wanna hear it.
You like being there to rescue me.
- I close my mouth, okay? - Nobody cares! - Okay - Nope, I'm still counting.
You like it when I'm a mess.
Because it makes you feel good about yourself.
Guess what? I never asked for that.
You ask all the time.
You have never not been asking me to rescue you.
"Princess Carolyn, help me! I slept with the gaffer's wife and now he's not lighting me properly.
Princess Carolyn, I threw up on Elle Fanning in a bounce house.
Princess Carolyn, why am I such a big stupid asshole?" Okay, great, more abuse.
Right on schedule.
Oh, that's abuse? "BoJack, you're such a big, stupid asshole.
BoJack, why were you even in the bounce house, dummy? BoJack, you wasted my thirties!" I never said you wasted my thirties.
Didn't have to, you're always saying it.
And I don't like being around you, because I feel bad.
You make me feel bad.
So this isn't about me being a bad agent.
It's about a lot of things.
- Where are you going? - Away.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, listen, man.
I don't wanna get in the middle of this, it's none of my business, but I just have to say I love that sweater.
- Can you give it to me? - What? No.
I held my mouth open a really long time.
- What does that have to do? - You're not being fair, to me or Princess Katniss.
- Who? - Your friend.
You've forgotten her already? Typical BoSchwack.
That's enough out of you.
It's all right, you're gonna get through this.
- You're gonna get through this.
- [female.]
Are you okay? Are you okay? You've been in there a long time.
[female.]
I left for a while and came back.
Just so you know, this wasn't an easy decision.
- This is the ladies' room! - [female.]
What's going on out there? Are you watching a movie? I agonized over this.
Ask Ana.
- Oh.
So you did talk about it with Ana.
- Yeah.
I respect her opinion.
[shouts.]
Paws not claws! Paws not claws! Hey! Ow! God, you're strong.
[BoJack groans.]
This is exactly the kind of unprofessionalism I'm talking about.
- You want to talk about professionalism? - Yes, I do.
But not here.
[shivers.]
You say you want professionalism? Bullshit.
You want a mommy you can slide your dick in.
I can want that and also want professionalism.
A sex-mommy who keeps her boundaries, is that too much to ask? Is there a single woman you've worked with who you haven't tried to groggily thrust yourself into? Is it any wonder I don't want to be around you? All you do is tell me I'm a terrible person.
Please, you're such a self-pitying masochist, I could say ten nice things and one mean thing, you would only hear the one mean thing.
I'd love it if you said ten nice things to me.
- I can say nice things.
- Ready when you are.
Does self-pitying masochist count, or are we starting from scratch? Okay, one I'm freezing my whiskers off.
- You have a natural charisma.
- You hesitated, that means it's a lie.
Two, you are loved by millions.
That's not a compliment.
So is Kim Jong Un and Teri Hatcher.
I got this.
I got this.
Pre-heat oven? Where's the pre-heat button? Excuse me? Waiter? Where are my family's double-fudge cheese pies? I'm not your waiter anymore.
I'm the chef.
- Then who's our waiter? - Uh, you're the waiter now.
Ta-da! I can't be a waiter.
I have a very important business meeting tomorrow.
You get someone else to do it.
I'm the chef and whatever I say goes! Okay.
Who gets these soy balls and onion cubes? Table eight.
Deliver those soy balls, soldier.
You got it, boss.
Number six.
You know how to make me laugh.
So I'm a clown to you? Like Joe Pesci in Home Alone? [laughs.]
You recognize you're being impossible, right? - I don't know how you put up with me.
- I didn't put up with you, BoJack.
I liked being with you.
And I don't regret it.
I don't regret the trip to the Bahamas.
Or the bracelet you bought me for my 38th birthday.
Or when my dad died and you came to the funeral with me and held my hand.
I'm doing this for both of us.
You understand? - Did you ever love me? At all? - I don't I'm not You know that I don't do the whole love thing.
Either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you.
So, what's the point? Yeah.
Ugh.
This sucks.
Ow.
I did this to myself.
I do this to myself.
- Why do I do this to myself? - I don't know.
Maybe if you're good at putting out fires, you just run from fire to fire and don't really think about [screams.]
Oh, God, I don't wanna be a chef! I want to be not on fire! - We gotta put out that fire! - I hate Mondays! [groans.]
I figured out how to pre-heat the oven.
This night has been a disaster.
The good news is I got my kid to prep my important meeting at work.
The bad news is all the customers went home.
They didn't like the screaming and felt like their food was a little too "on fire".
- It's called a char, dumbshits.
- The critic's still here.
Oh, oh, oh! She still wants her mushroom risotto.
I don't know how to make risotto.
I know how.
What are you doing? No, go home.
You're right.
What am I doing? All right.
Good luck.
[deep breath.]
Keep driving, keep driving Girl, don't turn that car around Break your pattern Of needing to fix other people Just keep on driving away Ugh.
Who do they write these songs for? Don't go back to the restaurant Princess Carolyn Just keep driving away - Ugh.
- [music stops.]
Goddamn it.
How should I know? Do I look like an expert in cooking oils? We have to choose! We're running out of time.
- Olive.
You wanna use olive oil.
- What are you doing? Let me do this.
You'll burn the place to the ground.
Fine.
This isn't one of those things where you save my ass so I feel obligated to give you your job back.
I know you have no sense of obligation to me.
Ooh, slam.
I'm sorry, I'd rather not get involved.
- Can I get you some more water? - Mmm.
You look lovely.
It's a great blouse.
Mom, I wanna go home.
This is a very important night for the restaurant.
How are we coming on the sales meeting? Did you get the big conference room? Winslow wants the big conference room for his presentation to corporate.
You get back on that phone and you get me that big room.
Okay, Mom.
The secret is stirring continuously.
Right, so that's the secret.
I'm gonna go roll some more soy balls.
- Thanks for your help.
- Sure.
How do you know how to do this? Mom was a live-in maid for a rich family.
She had a little trouble bending her elbow too much.
Glug, glug.
So unless I wanted us to be on the street, I had to cover for her, a lot.
That rich family loved Italian food and champagne fountains.
And cocaine.
And private jets.
And screaming at each other.
"Who threw my cocaine in the champagne fountain?" - So standard rich people stuff? - I guess.
- How come you never told me that? - I did.
Oh.
It's okay.
I know you never remember anything.
That's not true.
I remember the first time we met.
I went to see Marv.
You were at the desk in front of his office.
I thought you were cute and you said, "It's good to see you again.
" - Oh.
So I guess we'd met before.
- That was the third time we met.
The first time was when I was an intern.
I delivered a script to your house.
You were passed out in the yard, covered in tapioca pudding.
I hosed you down, dragged you inside, covered you with a blanket.
- Really? I don't remember that.
- Shocker.
So you've gone from daughter of a maid to head of your own company.
Well, the company's not doing so hot.
- Don't try to guilt me.
- It's not your fault.
Turns out being an agent and running an agency are two different skills.
It's like asking a really delicious tomato to make you a tomato sandwich.
How's a tomato gonna make you a sandwich? He's got no arms.
You'll figure it out.
Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.
But I don't even know why I'm doing it.
Does any of it matter? Why are you an agent at all if it makes you so miserable? Because I'm good at it.
I mean, stuff hasn't been hitting lately.
But, usually, I'm really good at it.
Just 'cause you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it.
I'm good at driving sober, but I don't relish the opportunity.
But what else would I do? Who else would I be? I do love you, by the way.
I mean, as much as I'm capable of loving anyone.
Which is never enough.
I'm sorry.
Ta-da! Well, it is truly how should I put this? Wonderful.
So you'll give Elefante a good review? Oh, no, I can't do that.
I waited over two hours to be served.
The ambience was terrible.
You two were screaming all night.
At one point, a waiter ran through the restaurant on fire.
Unfortunately, you will be receiving my lowest rating: four hundred and twelve stars, out of a possible a billion.
A billion stars? Yes, that's the rubric I use on SamanthaGoesToRestaurants.
tumblr.
com.
- Oh, God, get out.
- [exclaims.]
I assure you the animated GIFs with which I describe this encounter shall be scathing.
Mom! I just touched base with Rooney, re, Winslow.
He's out, we're in.
The conference room is ours.
Perfect! This is the meeting where we finally convince the big boys to let us get babies addicted to vaping! Yes! Corporation! [all cheer.]
- How about a drink? - I could drink.
I don't think I can.
I'm heading out.
I got pretty badly burnt earlier and in a lot of pain.
I should probably go to the ER.
Have a great night.
[groans.]
Ha, ha! What's the second time we met? - A taping of Horsin' Around.
- Which episode? The one where Olivia put too much detergent in the washing machine.
[BoJack.]
Nancy Reagan was the guest star.
That woman was the real actor in the family.
[Carolyn.]
I just started working for Marv.
I went backstage to introduce myself.
And then what happened? You told me you were too tired pretending to be nice all night, - and I needed to leave you alone.
- Oh.
I'm a real jerk, huh? Yeah, but you're honest, straightforward, not fake nice and don't beat around the bush.
Your heart is tender, so you protect it from people, but sometimes you open up a wall and it's incredible.
You're doing the best you can, considering your asshole parents.
You have great taste in art, and that pink spot on your nose is just adorable.
How many nice things was that, about ten? - Yeah, just about.
- Okay, one more.
You let me help you tonight because you knew I needed it.
You did it for me, which was very sweet.
Thanks.
You're a good friend to me.
- BoJack - Yeah? Are we friends? Yeah.
I mean, I think we are.
Or I think we can be.
Okay, then as a friend, I'm asking you Please don't leave me.
- Princess Carolyn - Please.
I can turn this around, I just need more time.
We're in a fragile period, still finding our feet.
Just give me six months and then you can go.
I promise, I'll never ask anything from you again, but please, give me six months.
Sorry, I left my coat here.
[whistling a tune.]
[waiter.]
I got it.
[continues whistling.]
So? What do you think? No.
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack
- [cell phone rings.]
BoJack! Beautiful day, huh? Perfect day to go outside, not read the trades or talk to anyone in the industry or watch entertainment television or have a gut feeling about the ratings for your television show last night.
- Princess Carolyn, I'm dying.
- You read the trades.
My heart is in my stomach, my stomach is in my butt, and my butt ran away with the spoon.
That makes sense because your butt is quite a dish.
Can you come over? I need you.
[sighs.]
What the? I ordered a few feel-better pizzas to feel better.
It did not work.
Then I sprinkled happy pills on them, and washed it all down with a "Please, God, make my pain go away" vermouth and ice cream float.
- Somehow I feel worse.
- That's a real mystery.
My show was terrible.
Why did insist on a mockumentary format? It's already an overused trope now, in 2007.
Hey! Mockumentary is not a trope, it's a device for storytelling.
And your show is daring and cutting edge.
People just aren't ready.
Yeah.
Yeah, people! It's not me.
It's the people that are the problem! Everyone's dumb and I am great.
Why do I always forget that? That's the spirit.
I'm starting to think this show is the best thing that happened to me.
- Really? - Yeah.
It made me realize you're the best thing that happened to me, with your sexy cat eyes and your cute little hair curl.
You look like a soft serve strawberry ice cream.
BoJack, we can't.
I'm your agent.
You are so much more than that.
You're my lighthouse, my Garmin.
You're the little plastic table they put in pizza boxes to keep the pizza from getting smushed.
You're Princess Carolyn.
[both moan.]
Don't you break my heart, BoJack Horseman.
- What? - What? Nothing.
- Did you just say something to me? - No, I was just being wistful, I guess.
Well, can you be wistful a little quieter? - Not everyone is interested in your wist.
- Okay, BoJack.
- You smell nice.
- Thanks, BoJack.
[funky electronic music.]
[Carolyn laughs.]
Okay, gotta go.
I'm about to meet my most important client.
- I know you're not really on the phone.
- Bye, Mr.
President.
Give my love to your basketball friends.
You too.
Should we get dinner, or are you just thinking drinks? - I'm not planning on staying long.
- Okay.
I'm glad you wanted to meet, because I am so pumped to tell you all about the exciting projects I'm lining up for you.
That won't be necessary.
Once you get your Oscar nom, we'll have our pick.
That's the key.
You think Halle Berry would've been offered Catwoman if she wasn't an Oscar winner? We just gotta find you your Catwoman.
I'm not sure if a Catwoman is really the best thing for my career right now.
Right, well, like I said, we are getting lots of offers.
Listen, Princess Carolyn Signore Horseman! Principessa Carolina! Sandro, how you doing, you handsome devil? To be honest I am, how you say, sweating bull's nets.
- You mean sweating bullets? - I don't think so.
Sweating bullets.
How does that make the sense? How does sweating bull's nets make sense? I don't want to be caught in bull's nets.
He may try to kiss me.
I prefer kissing cows.
No judgment, just a preference.
I love kissing cows! Don't tell my wife.
I'm kidding! She knows.
She's a cow! And I only kiss her.
[laughs.]
Okay, very good.
Haven't you lived in America for 30 years? Ignore him.
Why are you sweating bullets and/or nets? Ah.
Because there is a restaurant critic here tonight.
Very interesting.
Critics are the worst.
That's my review of critics.
Two thumbs down! Four percent fresh! One star! You all eat a flat butt! Did you not know there was a critic here? You own this place.
I never see you do anything to help run it.
This place runs itself.
Right, Sandro? Well, my wife and children and therapy man may not agree so much, but if you say so, Signore Horseman.
Even his wife and kids and therapy man agree.
Well, as the Black Guy Pete say, "Tonight's gonna be a good night.
" Please.
Enjoy.
I know you're not happy about what happened with the Kelsey project.
I pushed a little too hard to get you the money you deserve.
What can I say? Sometimes I'm too good of an agent, so deals fall apart.
That's a thing that happens when agents are really good.
- That's not - Moving forward! I know you're not happy with how I handled Ethan Around.
- Or didn't handle it.
- Bygones! It was because I was busy getting you the Pegasus movie, which I know you did not get, but trust me, you'll see not getting these movies was the best thing that ever happened to you.
Onwards and upwards! Tally ho! To the stars! Okay, you're forcing me to use the cards.
"Princess Carolyn, clear throat, I have been very disappointed" Ring! Hello, Your Highness.
It's a king, I have to take this.
In the bathroom.
[repeating.]
Oh, fish, oh, fish! [female.]
Who's out there? Are you talking to me? No.
[sighs.]
All right, Pink Lady, think.
- [female.]
Are you talking to me? - Are you a pink lady? [woman.]
I was a Pink Lady in my high school's production of Grease.
- Were you Rizzo? - [female.]
No, Jan.
Then don't waste my time.
Now, let us bow our heads and bray.
[all bray.]
[grunts.]
[whispers.]
Yes, right away! So back to what you were - Oh, my goodness, what is this? - Yeah, what is this? Happy 23 years working together - Join me - Oh, my God.
- Twenty-two-three, 23 years - Twenty-three years You're making this up.
Happy 23 years working together Can you believe this? - Two plus three equals 23 - This is just stream of consciousness.
Twenty-three years working together! Twenty-three years Okay, cool.
Can you believe it, BoJack? It's been almost a quarter of a century.
Talking on the phone pretty much every day, sharing our deepest dreams and secrets, being there for each other through all of it, bosom friends, Anne of Green Gables style.
Let's toast to another 23 years.
What do you say? - You're fired.
- Uh Oh.
I can't believe this.
You're firing me? - Me? - What? No.
You have no idea, everything I do around here! - Half the kitchen staff is my family.
- No.
- Honestly, just - I detest you! I hope you rot in the hell! - We're headed down a road that - You washed-up has-been no-good joke! You are the opposite of an onion, because if I cut you, I am no gonna cry.
Well, now you are fired.
Good luck finding another charming first-generation Italian immigrant with this kind of darling accent, who makes equally delightful malapropisms! You, sir, have just cut off your nose and thrown Sprite in your face! I am a classic stereotype that is tough to come by nowadays, because Italians don't emigrate so much to America no more.
Botticelli, Barbarelli, Beetle Bailey! Modigliani, Masaccio, Marmaduke! Avanti, all of you! Andiamo! [laughs nervously.]
So that was weird, huh? Please stop looking at me.
Too bad about Sandro, huh? You're the one who's fired, obviously.
Right.
Ryan Murphy is doing a re-imagining of The Life and Times of Harriet Tubman.
But in this version, she's a tub-man, with the comparative strength and agility of a tub! - PC.
- He's looking for someone to play the Underground Railroad conductor.
Great, but you don't represent me anymore.
Okay, I get it.
I'm fired.
Sheesk.
You're gonna spend a couple days being mad at me, then I'll get you another gig, and you'll be my client again, just like every time.
Can we get past the part where you're mad at me and get to the part where you're stealing General Lee's plutonium to fuel your subterranean steam-punk slave-tram? "It's best, for both of us, if we end this relationship once and for all.
" I'm sorry I screwed up, you don't have to read off the "You take me for granted, made decisions that were against my wishes, and worst of all she's got my globes a-warming!" - How did that get in there? - What is that? A punch line to a joke from the roast of January Jones.
- A global warming joke? - It's an important issue.
Here we go.
"Our relationship no longer has any" "January has only gotten hotter and hot" Nope.
Were you at the roast of January Jones? No, but I wrote some jokes in case someone got sick and they needed a backup.
Do you even know January Jones? Why would they call you? I guess I thought that my agent could get me in the mix if Jason Sudeikis How did these get out of order? So in the joke, are the globes your balls? And they get warm when you see January Jones? Is that how balls work? I don't know.
It's a work in progress.
Professional integrity! "Our relationship no longer has any professional integrity.
So it's gotta end.
Stand to leave.
" Shouldn't have read that part.
"When you reflect on this, you'll see it's best for both of us.
Exit restaurant.
" Goddamn it.
Wow, that was I don't know what that was.
Hey! Where are you going? - Who gave you this idea? Spanakopita? - This has nothing to do with Ana.
Here you go, sir.
- I'll get it! - You two are b'thumping.
Now you do whatever she says? - Is that what's happening? - No.
No, you're not b'thumping or no, you're not doing whatever she says? - I'm not doing whatever she says.
- So you are b'thumping.
I understand from context what you mean, but there's no way b'thumping is a thing.
I'll get it! You don't have to do everything your little falafel pocket tells you to.
- You screwed up! - Once! In 23 years! I'll get 'em.
All these years I carried you, when no one wanted to work with you.
I still managed to get you jobs.
And then you would flake, or sabotage them, or get wrapped up in some crisis or emergency or vague sadness.
Everyone told me to dump you my bosses, film execs, directors, they all told me you were washed up, a nobody, a has-been, - a joke, too portly for TV.
- Too portly for TV? Who said that? - It doesn't matter.
- It does.
Who said it? Luis Guzman.
Luis Guzman said I'm too portly for TV? You're right, BoJack.
This is for the best.
I no longer have to lug your talentless, self-centered, self-sabotaging, dead-weight carcass of faded talent around my neck.
- Hey.
- Thank you for firing me.
I'm gonna go pour myself a little celebratory potato juice, because this is the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey! Hey! Hey! [groans.]
Ha, ha! I'll get it.
You do not talk to me like that and walk away.
Oh, no? What's happening? This is so weird.
I'm walking away, even though you told me not to.
Right, I don't work for you anymore.
- Hey! - Excuse me, Mr.
Horseman? Not now.
We have a slight problem in the kitchen.
- Where is everybody? - That's the problem.
They all quit.
The kitchen's backed up with orders.
No one's getting food.
And the critic is growing very impatient.
Writing that down - Just do what you normally do.
- But there's no chef.
Tonight's your lucky night.
You just got promoted.
But I don't want to be a chef.
I want to sing Kidding.
I'm actually just happy being a waiter.
I'm not my job.
- A lot of people think that - You're the chef! Start cheffing! Oh.
[giggling.]
[murmuring.]
What? Fifty teeth? Get out of here.
Let me see.
- Ahh - Would you look at that.
You're thrilled to have me out of your life? - I was such a burden all those years.
- Can I close my mouth now? - Know what I think? - Don't wanna hear it.
You like being there to rescue me.
- I close my mouth, okay? - Nobody cares! - Okay - Nope, I'm still counting.
You like it when I'm a mess.
Because it makes you feel good about yourself.
Guess what? I never asked for that.
You ask all the time.
You have never not been asking me to rescue you.
"Princess Carolyn, help me! I slept with the gaffer's wife and now he's not lighting me properly.
Princess Carolyn, I threw up on Elle Fanning in a bounce house.
Princess Carolyn, why am I such a big stupid asshole?" Okay, great, more abuse.
Right on schedule.
Oh, that's abuse? "BoJack, you're such a big, stupid asshole.
BoJack, why were you even in the bounce house, dummy? BoJack, you wasted my thirties!" I never said you wasted my thirties.
Didn't have to, you're always saying it.
And I don't like being around you, because I feel bad.
You make me feel bad.
So this isn't about me being a bad agent.
It's about a lot of things.
- Where are you going? - Away.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, listen, man.
I don't wanna get in the middle of this, it's none of my business, but I just have to say I love that sweater.
- Can you give it to me? - What? No.
I held my mouth open a really long time.
- What does that have to do? - You're not being fair, to me or Princess Katniss.
- Who? - Your friend.
You've forgotten her already? Typical BoSchwack.
That's enough out of you.
It's all right, you're gonna get through this.
- You're gonna get through this.
- [female.]
Are you okay? Are you okay? You've been in there a long time.
[female.]
I left for a while and came back.
Just so you know, this wasn't an easy decision.
- This is the ladies' room! - [female.]
What's going on out there? Are you watching a movie? I agonized over this.
Ask Ana.
- Oh.
So you did talk about it with Ana.
- Yeah.
I respect her opinion.
[shouts.]
Paws not claws! Paws not claws! Hey! Ow! God, you're strong.
[BoJack groans.]
This is exactly the kind of unprofessionalism I'm talking about.
- You want to talk about professionalism? - Yes, I do.
But not here.
[shivers.]
You say you want professionalism? Bullshit.
You want a mommy you can slide your dick in.
I can want that and also want professionalism.
A sex-mommy who keeps her boundaries, is that too much to ask? Is there a single woman you've worked with who you haven't tried to groggily thrust yourself into? Is it any wonder I don't want to be around you? All you do is tell me I'm a terrible person.
Please, you're such a self-pitying masochist, I could say ten nice things and one mean thing, you would only hear the one mean thing.
I'd love it if you said ten nice things to me.
- I can say nice things.
- Ready when you are.
Does self-pitying masochist count, or are we starting from scratch? Okay, one I'm freezing my whiskers off.
- You have a natural charisma.
- You hesitated, that means it's a lie.
Two, you are loved by millions.
That's not a compliment.
So is Kim Jong Un and Teri Hatcher.
I got this.
I got this.
Pre-heat oven? Where's the pre-heat button? Excuse me? Waiter? Where are my family's double-fudge cheese pies? I'm not your waiter anymore.
I'm the chef.
- Then who's our waiter? - Uh, you're the waiter now.
Ta-da! I can't be a waiter.
I have a very important business meeting tomorrow.
You get someone else to do it.
I'm the chef and whatever I say goes! Okay.
Who gets these soy balls and onion cubes? Table eight.
Deliver those soy balls, soldier.
You got it, boss.
Number six.
You know how to make me laugh.
So I'm a clown to you? Like Joe Pesci in Home Alone? [laughs.]
You recognize you're being impossible, right? - I don't know how you put up with me.
- I didn't put up with you, BoJack.
I liked being with you.
And I don't regret it.
I don't regret the trip to the Bahamas.
Or the bracelet you bought me for my 38th birthday.
Or when my dad died and you came to the funeral with me and held my hand.
I'm doing this for both of us.
You understand? - Did you ever love me? At all? - I don't I'm not You know that I don't do the whole love thing.
Either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you.
So, what's the point? Yeah.
Ugh.
This sucks.
Ow.
I did this to myself.
I do this to myself.
- Why do I do this to myself? - I don't know.
Maybe if you're good at putting out fires, you just run from fire to fire and don't really think about [screams.]
Oh, God, I don't wanna be a chef! I want to be not on fire! - We gotta put out that fire! - I hate Mondays! [groans.]
I figured out how to pre-heat the oven.
This night has been a disaster.
The good news is I got my kid to prep my important meeting at work.
The bad news is all the customers went home.
They didn't like the screaming and felt like their food was a little too "on fire".
- It's called a char, dumbshits.
- The critic's still here.
Oh, oh, oh! She still wants her mushroom risotto.
I don't know how to make risotto.
I know how.
What are you doing? No, go home.
You're right.
What am I doing? All right.
Good luck.
[deep breath.]
Keep driving, keep driving Girl, don't turn that car around Break your pattern Of needing to fix other people Just keep on driving away Ugh.
Who do they write these songs for? Don't go back to the restaurant Princess Carolyn Just keep driving away - Ugh.
- [music stops.]
Goddamn it.
How should I know? Do I look like an expert in cooking oils? We have to choose! We're running out of time.
- Olive.
You wanna use olive oil.
- What are you doing? Let me do this.
You'll burn the place to the ground.
Fine.
This isn't one of those things where you save my ass so I feel obligated to give you your job back.
I know you have no sense of obligation to me.
Ooh, slam.
I'm sorry, I'd rather not get involved.
- Can I get you some more water? - Mmm.
You look lovely.
It's a great blouse.
Mom, I wanna go home.
This is a very important night for the restaurant.
How are we coming on the sales meeting? Did you get the big conference room? Winslow wants the big conference room for his presentation to corporate.
You get back on that phone and you get me that big room.
Okay, Mom.
The secret is stirring continuously.
Right, so that's the secret.
I'm gonna go roll some more soy balls.
- Thanks for your help.
- Sure.
How do you know how to do this? Mom was a live-in maid for a rich family.
She had a little trouble bending her elbow too much.
Glug, glug.
So unless I wanted us to be on the street, I had to cover for her, a lot.
That rich family loved Italian food and champagne fountains.
And cocaine.
And private jets.
And screaming at each other.
"Who threw my cocaine in the champagne fountain?" - So standard rich people stuff? - I guess.
- How come you never told me that? - I did.
Oh.
It's okay.
I know you never remember anything.
That's not true.
I remember the first time we met.
I went to see Marv.
You were at the desk in front of his office.
I thought you were cute and you said, "It's good to see you again.
" - Oh.
So I guess we'd met before.
- That was the third time we met.
The first time was when I was an intern.
I delivered a script to your house.
You were passed out in the yard, covered in tapioca pudding.
I hosed you down, dragged you inside, covered you with a blanket.
- Really? I don't remember that.
- Shocker.
So you've gone from daughter of a maid to head of your own company.
Well, the company's not doing so hot.
- Don't try to guilt me.
- It's not your fault.
Turns out being an agent and running an agency are two different skills.
It's like asking a really delicious tomato to make you a tomato sandwich.
How's a tomato gonna make you a sandwich? He's got no arms.
You'll figure it out.
Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.
But I don't even know why I'm doing it.
Does any of it matter? Why are you an agent at all if it makes you so miserable? Because I'm good at it.
I mean, stuff hasn't been hitting lately.
But, usually, I'm really good at it.
Just 'cause you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it.
I'm good at driving sober, but I don't relish the opportunity.
But what else would I do? Who else would I be? I do love you, by the way.
I mean, as much as I'm capable of loving anyone.
Which is never enough.
I'm sorry.
Ta-da! Well, it is truly how should I put this? Wonderful.
So you'll give Elefante a good review? Oh, no, I can't do that.
I waited over two hours to be served.
The ambience was terrible.
You two were screaming all night.
At one point, a waiter ran through the restaurant on fire.
Unfortunately, you will be receiving my lowest rating: four hundred and twelve stars, out of a possible a billion.
A billion stars? Yes, that's the rubric I use on SamanthaGoesToRestaurants.
tumblr.
com.
- Oh, God, get out.
- [exclaims.]
I assure you the animated GIFs with which I describe this encounter shall be scathing.
Mom! I just touched base with Rooney, re, Winslow.
He's out, we're in.
The conference room is ours.
Perfect! This is the meeting where we finally convince the big boys to let us get babies addicted to vaping! Yes! Corporation! [all cheer.]
- How about a drink? - I could drink.
I don't think I can.
I'm heading out.
I got pretty badly burnt earlier and in a lot of pain.
I should probably go to the ER.
Have a great night.
[groans.]
Ha, ha! What's the second time we met? - A taping of Horsin' Around.
- Which episode? The one where Olivia put too much detergent in the washing machine.
[BoJack.]
Nancy Reagan was the guest star.
That woman was the real actor in the family.
[Carolyn.]
I just started working for Marv.
I went backstage to introduce myself.
And then what happened? You told me you were too tired pretending to be nice all night, - and I needed to leave you alone.
- Oh.
I'm a real jerk, huh? Yeah, but you're honest, straightforward, not fake nice and don't beat around the bush.
Your heart is tender, so you protect it from people, but sometimes you open up a wall and it's incredible.
You're doing the best you can, considering your asshole parents.
You have great taste in art, and that pink spot on your nose is just adorable.
How many nice things was that, about ten? - Yeah, just about.
- Okay, one more.
You let me help you tonight because you knew I needed it.
You did it for me, which was very sweet.
Thanks.
You're a good friend to me.
- BoJack - Yeah? Are we friends? Yeah.
I mean, I think we are.
Or I think we can be.
Okay, then as a friend, I'm asking you Please don't leave me.
- Princess Carolyn - Please.
I can turn this around, I just need more time.
We're in a fragile period, still finding our feet.
Just give me six months and then you can go.
I promise, I'll never ask anything from you again, but please, give me six months.
Sorry, I left my coat here.
[whistling a tune.]
[waiter.]
I got it.
[continues whistling.]
So? What do you think? No.
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack