Buffy the Vampire Slayer s03e09 Episode Script

Nerf! Nerf! Nerf! Oh, God! Demon! Demon!|What kills a demon? Nerf! Nerf! Oh, "nerf'.
Not "nerf'.
Knife!.
OK.
That was too close for comfort.
Not that slaying is ever comfy,|but you know what I mean.
- If you guys hadn't been here to help|- But we were, and we did, and we're all fine.
- Isn't he gonna go poof?|- I guess these guys don't.
We have to bury him or something.
Makes you appreciate vamps, though.
|No fuss, no muss.
How come Faith was a no-show? I thought|mucousy demons were her favourites.
Couldn't reach her again.
She hasn't been hanging out much.
I detect worry.
A little bit.
Slaying's a rough gig.
|Too much alone time isn't healthy.
- Stuff gets pent up.
|- We should do more socialising with her.
Well, burial detail aside,|does this cap us off for the day? You got plans? I cannot stress enough|how much I don't have plans.
No luck reaching Cordelia? I've left a few messages.
60, 70 But you know what really bugs me?|OK, we kissed.
It was a mistake.
- But I know that was our last ever kiss.
|- Darn tootin'.
And they burst in, rescuing us,|without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
- Mine is much more advanced.
|- At least tomorrow's Monday.
- Another school day.
|- That's good.
Now focus on school.
That's the strong Willow way to heal.
Actually I was thinking Oz will be there|and I can beg for forgiveness.
- That works too.
|- I wanna be strong Willow.
But then I think I may never|get to be close to Oz again and it's like all the air|just goes out of the room.
- I know the feeling.
|- Right.
You went through it with Angel|and you're still standing.
So tell us, wise one, how do you deal? I have you guys.
Hey, it's Xander, If you get this, call me, Hi,Xander, I, uh,,, Well, I'm in if you feel like talking, Bye, Hi, Cordelia, Um,,, If you get the chance,,,|If we can talk, I'm here, Hey again, It's me, I'm here,,, again, - How's it goin'?|- Oz hasn't been to his locker.
There may be books in there that|he needs, but still he doesn't come.
- Has Xander seen Cordelia?|- I don't think so.
But she is coming in today.
|Amy saw her last night at the mall.
How is she? I don't know.
Amy said|she looked pretty scary.
Cordelia.
You look amazing.
Oh.
You have to meet Anya.
|She just moved here.
And her dad just bought What was it? Oh, a utility or something.
- Nice bag.
Prada?|- Good call.
Most people around here|can't tell Prada from Payless.
God, Cordy, when I heard about|Well, I mean, I couldn't believe it.
But it was smart, you know,|the "injury" thing? You take a week off, let everybody forget the|temporary insanity that was Xander Harris.
Xander who? You know what you have to do.
Start dating.
Get back on the horse.
Oh, absolutely.
I am ready to ride.
Then I have just the stallion.
He's so you.
I'm pretty sure he won't cheat on you,|at least not for a while.
Plus, he's got a killer moped.
Oz.
Wow.
Look at us.
Running into each other, as two people|who go to the same school are so likely to do now and then.
Hey.
Oz, wait.
Please.
What I did When I think that I hurt you Yeah.
You said all this stuff already.
Right.
But I want to make it up to you.
I mean, if you'll let me, I want to try.
Just You can leave me alone.
- I need to figure things out.
|- But maybe if we talk about it, we could Look, I'm sorry this is hard for you.
But I told you what I need.
So I can't help feeling like|the reason you wanna talk is so you can feel better about yourself.
That's not my problem.
Hey, John Lee.
Do I have|something caught in my teeth? So what's new? God,|it's been, like, a gazillion years.
Look, the guys are kinda down on me.
|Coach just cut me back to second string.
If anyone saw me hanging with|Xander Harris's castoff on top of that Death, you know? But maybe, if you wanna go someplace private - What?|- Think about it.
- Hey.
|- Go ahead.
Dazzle me with your oh-so-brilliant insult.
|Just join the club.
Hardly.
Actually, I've been looking for you.
|Ever since we met, I was like "Thank God there's one other|person in town who reads W," - But Harmony?|- Oh, she follows me around.
If that girl had an original thought,|her head would explode.
Is that Gucci? No.
It's an actual old thing, sort of|a good luck charm my dad gave me.
Too bad I didn't have|one of those pre-Xander.
- Can I just say Men.
|- Seconded.
Apart from being without class, the guy's|obviously blind.
Deserves whatever he gets.
I'm not even thinking about him.
|I am past it.
I am living my life.
- Still, I mean, don't you kinda wish|- I don't wish.
I act.
Starting now, Xander Harris is gonna|get a bellyful of just how over him I am.
Excuse me.
I need to be both|giving and receiving of mirth.
Is it too much to ask for a little backup? I'm here for you, Xand.
I'm support-o-gal.
I just feel a little weird about this|"us against Cordelia" thing.
She's had a rough time.
It's true.
Cordelia belongs|to the "justified" camp.
She should make us pay.
|And pay and pay and pay - In fact, there's not enough "pay" for|- Look.
You wanna do guilt-a-palooza, fine.
I'm done with that.
I'm gonna grab ahold|of that crazy little thing called life and let it do its magical little healie thing.
What's done is done.
Let's be in the moment,|behold the beauty that is now.
Who's with me? Actually, you're making sense.
|We're young and free in America.
How dare we be spun by love,|or the lack of same? Absolutely.
It's self-indulgent.
I'm in.
I'm on the joy train.
That didn't work.
|Who wants chocolate? I'm up.
Look at her.
Tears of a clown, baby.
Or is it "grins of a sad person"?|Or maybe it's - Xander, your hand.
|- Oops.
Sorry.
But why "oops"? I mean, we always touch digits.
|It's a friend thing.
Comfort.
Like chocolate.
Maybe it used to be.
But since we It's different.
I'm sorry.
But if I want|to make things right with Oz, my hands, my All my stuff has to be for him only.
Hey, Cordelia.
Wait a second.
Did Xander send you to beg for him? - Because if he did|- No.
I'm a free agent, I promise.
- I just wanted to see how you are.
|- Never been better.
Cordelia, I know what it's like|to be hurt by someone.
Hurt so much you don't think you're gonna|make it.
But I told my friends how I felt.
And you know what? They got a little better.
Cordelia, look out.
You know what I've been asking|myself a lot this last week? Why me? Why do I get impaled? Why do I get bitten by snakes?|Why do I fall for incredible losers? And you know, I think|I've finally figured it out.
What my problem is? It's Buffy Summers.
That's when all|my troubles started.
When she moved here.
- Are you OK?|- I just pulled some stitches last night.
Know why? Surprise! It was Buffy's fault.
Oh, hey.
It's Garbage Girl.
Loved the look last night, Cor.
|Dumpster chic for the dumped.
Here.
I think you need this|more than I do right now.
Yeah, I could use some luck.
|And a stick with pointy sharp bits.
- If that Buffy wasn't I swear|- She's a pain.
But Xander He's an utter loser.
Don't you wish I never would have looked twice at Xander|if Buffy hadn't made him marginally cooler.
- Really?|- Yeah.
I swear.
I wish Buffy Summers|had never come to Sunnydale.
Done.
Anya? "I wish Buffy Summers|had never come to Sunnydale.
" She was, like, a good fairy.
A scary, veiny, good fairy.
Where have you been? Ted Sherborn just totally went for third|with Ginger, in front of everybody.
Love the dress.
It's so daring.
- Cordelia.
|- Yes? Look, every guy on campus|has probably asked, but if you're not going to the Winter Brunch,|I'd be honoured, and we'd have fun.
- I'll get back to you.
|- Really? - Yeah.
|- Great.
Cordy, you reign.
I do? I mean, I do.
So what's with the Winter Brunch thing? All right.
Now, don't forget.
|Tomorrow we have our monthly memorial, so there's no class.
- What's the rush?|- Oh, my mom hates it when I'm late.
Since when? Aren't we going out tonight? - Curfew starts in an hour.
|- Curfew? Come on.
I'm in a really good mood.
|Let's go to the Bronze.
Is that a joke? Oh.
The Bronze isn't cool in this reality.
|I've gotta make these little adjustments.
Cordy, what's with you? You wear this "come bite me" outfit,|you make jokes about the Bronze - You're acting a little schizo.
|- You're right.
I just Well, I bumped my head yesterday|and I keep forgetting stuff.
Not that I care, but Xander Harris,|he's miserable, right? And that Willow freak.
Not even a blip on the radar screen, right? Well, yeah.
They're dead.
OK.
Not funny! Hey! You! Where did you put my car? - Pardon?|- My auto.
- El convertablo?|- You students aren't allowed to drive.
- What?|- Go on.
You better get in before the sun sets.
Well, whaddaya know? Cordelia Chase.
What is this, some kind of sick joke?|Harmony told me you were dead.
Now why would she say something like that? Let's think.
Listen to me.
We have to find Buffy.
|She'll figure out a way to save us.
She was supposed to be here, and|as much as it kills me to admit it, things were better when she was around.
Buffy? The Slayer? No.
Buffy the dog-faced girl.
Duh! Who do you think I'm talking about? Bored now.
This is the part that's less fun,|when there isn't any screaming.
What's up with you two in the leather? Play now? It's not that I don't|appreciate your appetite, Will.
- But I thought we agreed it was my turn.
|- No.
No! No way! I wish us into bizarro-land,|and you guys are still together? - I cannot win!|- Probably not.
But I'll give you a head start.
I love this part.
You love all the parts.
No fun.
She didn't even hardly fight.
Oh, swell.
It's the white hats.
I've got them.
Get the girl.
- How's she doing?|- Her pulse is strong.
Why was she wearing that? Everyone knows|vampires are attracted to bright colours.
That's Cordelia.
It's better|to look good than to feel alive.
Go and watch the perimeters|in case they follow.
You're mine pretty soon, boy.
Slap my hand, dead soul man.
Ah.
Xander.
Willow.
Hungry? I've lost my appetite for this one.
She keeps looking at me.
I'm trying to eat and she looks at me.
Go on.
I remember that lust for the kill.
Now, what news on the Rialto? Had a prime kill.
Old crush, actually.
- Until that wanna-slay librarian showed up.
|- He'll be dealt with soon enough.
Weird thing.
The girl kept talkin' about Buffy.
"We gotta get Buffy here.
" Isn't that what they called the Slayer? Buffy.
Ooh, scary.
Someone has to talk to her people.
|That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
She talked of summoning a slayer here? Now, at this time? - And you didn't kill her?|- Well, they had crosses.
The plant begins operation|in less than 24 hours.
You will find this girl.
You will kill her|before she contacts the Slayer, or I'll see you two kissing daylight.
Giles.
It's all my fault.
|I made this stupid wish - Come on, lie|- No! You have to get Buffy.
Buffy changes it.
It wasn't like this.
It was better.
|I mean, the clothes alone.
But people were happy, mostly, and Wait.
Why are you here, and she's not? - I mean, you were her watcher.
|- How do you know I was a watcher? I've never What? - What?|- I thought I heard something.
Now, I want you to start again|and explain everything very carefully.
You're in a big cage.
Not too bright, book guy.
So you're a watcher? Watch this.
- They hit us right outside.
|- Nancy? She's dead.
Would you mind Could you take her to the incinerator?|I have some business to Wait a moment.
- The deed is done.
|- You killed the girl who sought the Slayer? - It was too easy.
|- I felt cheap.
Excellent.
The opening|will commence as scheduled.
So you're pleased? Ecstatic.
Then can I play with the puppy? Be my guest.
Yes, I understand, but|it's imperative that I see her.
Here.
Well, when will you? Well, you are her watcher.
I'd expect|her to at least check in to Yes, I'm aware there's a great deal|of demonic activity in Cleveland.
It happens, you know,|that Sunnydale is on a Hellmouth.
It is so.
Well, just give her the message, if you ever see her again.
Bored now.
Daytime is the worst.
Cooped up for hours.
Can't hunt.
But the Master said I could play.
Isn't that fun, puppy? Aw.
Puppy's bein' all quiet.
Come on.
Don't be a spoilsport.
Guess what today is.
Today the plant opens.
It's a big party.
You remember I told you about the plant.
All those people you tried to save It's gonna be quick for them.
Not for you, though.
It's gonna be slow for you.
That's right, puppy.
Willow's gonna make you bark.
Maybe I went too hard on you last time.
Too hard? No such thing.
Watch it with those things.
|You almost got my hair.
Sorry.
I got carried away.
- Don't you want to?|- No, thanks, baby.
I just want to watch you go.
Here it is.
I've found it.
Look.
It's what Cordelia was wearing.
|It's the symbol of Anyanka.
- I don't think I know her.
|- Well, no, um Anyanka is sort of a|patron saint of scorned women.
What does she do? Uh, she grants wishes.
Cordelia wished for something? If it was|a long, healthy life, she should get a refund.
She said something about|everything being different.
The world wasn't supposed to be like this.
It was, um, better before.
OK, the entire world sucks|because some dead ditz made a wish? I just wanna be clear.
She said the Slayer was|supposed to be here, was meant to have been here already.
- It certainly would have helped.
|- Yes, I tried calling her, but Look, I'm going to have to research|this Anyanka thing further.
I have some more volumes at home.
- You two get some sleep.
|- Watch your back.
Run! - Buffy Summers?|- That's right.
You wanna tell me what I'm doing here? Yes.
Here.
"In order to defeat Anyanka,|one must destroy her power centre.
" "It should reverse all wishes she has granted,|rendering her powerless again.
" You see? Without her power centre, she'll be|an ordinary woman, and all this will be Well, different.
Well, I'd say that my watcher muscles|haven't completely atrophied after all.
Great.
What's her power centre? - It doesn't say.
|- Why don't I put a stake through her heart? - She's not a vampire.
|- You'd be surprised what that'll kill.
I don't want to kill her.
I want to reverse|whatever effect she's had on this world.
You're takin' a lot on faith here, Jeeves.
Giles.
Kill the bad fairy, destroy|the bad fairy's power centre, whatever.
- And all the troubles go away?|- It's not that simple, but The world is what it is.
We fight,|we die.
Wishing doesn't change that.
I have to believe in a better world.
Go ahead.
I have to live in this one.
Cordelia said she knew that|I was meant to be your watcher.
- She said she knew you.
|- She was probably just a big fan.
The Master sent his most|vicious disciples to kill her.
She must have posed some threat to him.
- Master?|- Supreme vampire around these parts.
He lives on the outskirts|of town in an old club.
You know where he lives, and|no one's ever tried to take him out? People have tried.
Well, point the way.
I might|as well do some good in this town.
- You can't just walk in and|- You wanna stay and play make-believe, fine.
I can't help you anyway.
|There's only one thing I'm good at.
- At least let's muster some kind of force.
|- I don't play well with others.
Now I'm gonna ask you this once,|and then I'm gonna get testy.
Where's this club? Buffy.
Buffy Summers.
It's you.
I mean, you don't remember.
How could you? How did you know my name? I waited.
I waited here for you.
But you never I was supposed to help you.
You were gonna help me? The Master rose.
He let me live, to punish me.
I kept hopin' maybe you'd come.
My destiny.
Is this a "get in my pants" thing? You guys in|Sunnydale talk like I'm the Second Coming.
- I'm sorry.
I just meant|- Look, I don't have time for stories.
Where's the Master? They're at his factory.
It starts tonight.
- Factory?|- Look, I could take you there.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
|- Wait! I won't hurt you.
- No, you'll leave that to your Master.
|- You don't believe I wanna help you.
Believe I want him dead.
Behold the technical wonder which is about|to alter the very fabric of our society.
Some have argued that such|an advancement goes against our nature.
They claim that death is our art.
I say to them Well, I don't say|anything to them, because I kill them.
Undeniably we are|the world's superior race.
Yet we have always been too parochial, too bound by the mindless|routine of the predator.
Hunt and kill, hunt and kill.
Titillating? Yes.
Practical? Hardly.
Meanwhile the humans,|with their plebeian minds, have brought us a truly demonic concept: mass production.
We really are livin' in a golden age.
Anyanka, I beseech thee In the name of all women scorned, come before me.
Do you have any idea what I do to a man|who uses that spell to summon me? Bring on the first! You! She's still alive here, see? For the freshness.
What's the plan? Don't fall on this.
- Welcome to the future.
|- To the future! Uh-oh.
Puppy got out.
Cordelia Chase.
What did she wish for? I had no idea her wish would be so exciting.
Brave new world.
I hope she likes it.
You're going to change it back.
I'm not afraid of you.
|Your only power lies in the wishing.
Wrong! Buffy, look out! Buffy.
This is the real world now.
This is the world we made.
Isn't it wonderful? You trusting fool.
How do you know|the other world is any better than this? Because it has to be.
No! I wish Buffy Summers|had never come to Sunnydale.
- Done.
|- That would be cool.
No, wait.
I wish Buffy Summers|had never been born.
- Done.
|- And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman.
And that Willow wakes up tomorrow|covered in monkey hair.
In fact, I wish all men, except maybe|the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the Earth.
|That would be so cool.