Californication s03e09 Episode Script

- previously on californication - my dirty little whore of a nose Is sorry that she let you down.
I wanna fix this, charlie.
- [chortling.]
Come on, say it, baby, say it.
- i'm getting fucked by rick springfield.
- do you want to, um, go up to my room And listen to some records? - only if they're mine.
- church.
- you're my student.
- not anymore, i'm not.
- i offered myself to you, and you weren't interested.
If only i could have just had one little nibble.
Oh! - i'm in love with you, hank moody.
- whoa! - were you sleeping with your t.
a.
The whole time you were sleeping with me? - what? your dad's fucking my mom! - so what, you're saying we just pack up and leave l.
a.
? The three of us move back to new york, together? - yeah.
end of the semester.
whatever.
[unflattering squeaky noises.]
- oh, hey! Go ahead.
you've earned the right.
Can't deny this privilege.
[chair making squelching noises.]
fire my ass.
- oh, i'm not planning to fire you.
- come again? - unfortunately, not a single one of the ladies That you so egregiously fouled Has agreed to stand up and press formal charges against you.
And without that, the matter ends here.
You win, hank moody.
i admit defeat.
Not even my wife will say a bad word about you.
Or should i say ex-wife? Just this morning, she requested i vacate the premises.
- oh, no, she didn't! - oh, yes, she did.
- no, you can't--you can't kick the dean out of the deanery.
That shit is wrong.
You've gotta get that woman back.
I can help you.
what do you want me to do? Just ask me.
ask me--what can i do? - okay, i've got a question for you.
You-- - no, not now.
Hold on, i got a call.
[cell phone ringing.]
Oh.
m.
flower.
i don't recognize that number.
- m-- - i don't need to take it.
- mayflower, moron.
mayflower school for girls.
That call could be important! - oh! [both cell phones ringing.]
- hank moody.
- stacy koons.
- yes, i'll, uh--i'll hold for principal green On a disciplinary matter.
- i will also hold for principal green.
Oh, this is principal green.
[whispering.]
i'm handling it here.
I got it.
uh-huh.
I'm listening.
a fight? oh A disagreement, you mean, an argument.
Oh, that kind of fight.
- [whispers.]
what kind of fight? - a physical confrontation.
hmm.
[laughs.]
ah, yeah.
that's my girl.
- i assure you that expulsion is not a step we take lightly.
- expulsion? - hey, slow down, dean koons.
It's not so much fun here On the other side of the desk, is it? - yes, stacy, let's just wait and see What principal green has to say.
- [whispers.]
she's such a kiss-ass! - after all, she didn't say that both girls-- - oh, no, they're both being expelled.
We have a zero-tolerance policy On violence here at the mayflower school.
We've just never had to apply it before, Since most of our young ladies have been taught Not to resort to physical violence As a means of expression.
- mm-hmm.
sohey, let's look at the bright side here.
We're making history.
big ups for women's rights.
- you know what? this is wrong.
There is just no way that becca would hit anyone.
- right.
not without being provoked.
We're not a family that takes shit lying down.
- there, see, he just admitted it was becca's fault.
- i did not.
- did too.
- i didn't.
i didn't.
- did too.
did.
- principal green, i'm sure that there's no need To take drastic action That might impact the girls' academic future.
Chelsea was clearly upset yesterday Because her father was moving out.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't hank's fault.
- what? what's she talking about? - i don't know.
she has that accent - i'm so sorry.
- hank's fault? - you didn't tell her.
- tell me what? - becca's father and i had a slight, well, indiscretion That may have contributed-- indirectly, though-- To the girls' little kafuffle.
- she's kidding, right? you have got to be kidding me.
- he fucks my wife, I somehow ended up sleeping at the faculty club.
- oh, stacy, you're making this worse than it has to be.
- i don't think so.
- karen - you! you[snaps.]
you say one word to me, And i will show you where becca learned to throw down.
- [humming.]
Hey, there, minnie mouse.
Whoa! shouldn't you be dressed and ready for action? I mean waxin'.
action waxin'.
Ha ha.
you get it? it rhymes.
Action waxin'.
- bite me.
- [teasing.]
still no call from rick springfield.
- you don't have to sound so chipper about it.
The man's been in tahoe for the past three days.
- i know, i know.
- that was a huge show for him.
He's probably just decompressing right now.
- sure, sure.
Or maybe He's trying to tell you something.
You know, this could be a blessing in disguise, really.
- he'll call.
- maybe.
Ormaybe not.
You know, maybe rick springfield Not calling you for three days Is his way of saying that he doesn't see the real you, That he doesn't, uh, value your essential Woman-ness and so forth.
- oh, my god, would you please mind your own business, runkle? - hey, rick springfield is my business.
He's my client, for christ sakes.
You know, i'll tell you something, marce.
I have seen some things, okay, up close and personal, Some strangely fucked-up shit, huh? That guyhe's not the biggest friend to women.
- [scoffs.]
oh And you're frigging bella abzug over here.
- far from it.
- no, i totally get it-- i'm dating my dream crush Hitting my peak sexually, This close to selling this frigid box of a house, And moving on with my life, And you just don't want me to be happy, charlie.
- of course i want you to be happy, marcy.
God, i mean, look, we're talking here, okay? I miss this.
i miss us.
Do you know how long it's been Since i've heard you say those three little words? - eat my clam? - eat my clam-- no, no, not eat my clam.
I love you.
I don't mean to get a bee in my bonnet, babe.
I just--i don't wanna see you waste your life Waiting for a phone call that might never come.
- oh, it's coming, fool.
And by the way, my gay uncle called.
He wants his expressions back.
- guess it's homeschooling after all.
- well, you better hope that he remembers his algebra, Because you definitely won't be going To a new york private school after this.
- well, obviously, she was provoked.
- yes.
she called you a home wrecker Which you are.
Yet somehow that didn't stop me From shoving her into the vending machine.
Then the hitting began.
Satisfied? - hank, i asked you to do one thing.
Look after becca.
how hard is that? - hard.
real hard.
I understand that now.
- well, it couldn't have been that hard, could it? - what's that supposed to mean? - you know what that means.
- you're mad about felicia? - no.
i would not give you the satisfaction Of being mad about felicia.
- i don't know how satisfying that would be.
- you know what? while i'm working my ass off in new york, You start some kind of relationship With the most annoying woman on the planet, Who also happens to be the mother of becca's best friend And your boss! what is--[groans.]
- it's not a relationship, karen, far from it.
You know that.
She was just looking to sleep with someone-- Anyone-- get her groove back, Get back at the dean, and i-i didn't want to.
I thought it was a bad idea.
you know, it seemed wrong to me.
We don't like to get involved in other people's marital woes, 'cause we've been there.
That's some sad, messed-up shit, And i wanted to keep us out of it.
- oh, you did a really good job of not getting involved, hank.
- well, i did, at first.
i refused.
But then she was gonna call in her chip with this other dude, This mr.
zipless fuck, a real cheeseball-- - you know what? out.
- what? what? - i don't want to hear about felicia and her Midlife crisis, okay? - okay.
- do you have any idea how fucking infuriating you are? - yes.
yes, i do.
I'm just trying to fill you in On what happened while you were away.
- leave now, okay? i need--i need peace, hank.
You must have something to do, I-i mean some papers to grade, Some fucking marijuana to smoke, Hey, some students to fuck.
- what? so--so you'd be totally fine if i, uh - uhh! [rick springfield singing.]
- ? my life has just begun ? ? now i understand the greater plan ? ? my precious little one ? [end chords.]
[click.]
- ohh.
pipes of a fucking angel.
You know, i gotta take this down And play it for the girls at the orphanage.
- right on.
Hey, i'm doing a children's charity concert At, uh, the grove thursday night.
Yeah, half the proceeds go to, uh, juvenile diabetes.
- what? - um, i'm speechless.
Girls at the orphanage? juvenile diabetes? Who are you two, and what have you done With the nymphomaniacal sociopaths I've grown to love and loathe? - sorry to burst your bubble, runkle.
I'm a complicated beast.
- me too.
Plus, you know, charity events are like ground zero For single pussy.
- and he's back.
- hey, you should have seen me in tahoe.
Two nights, six chicks-- no rubbers.
- bravo, rick.
bravo.
Safety first, i always say, of course.
But [clears throat.]
then again, I'm not the one who's currently having Intimate relations with my wife.
- oh, can it, runkle.
life's messy.
- you better clean up your game, gonzo-- The womanizing, the boozing.
If you won't do it for marcy, at least do it for your career.
We have landed you the comeback vehicle of a lifetime.
Please don't fuck it up.
- hey, please don't use the "c" word, all right? I'm not coming back from anything.
That reminds me-- i need some blow.
- sorry? - dude, you heard me.
Some blow, some yay, some white girl, Some powder, some cake.
I start filming tomorrow.
It's my last chance to get fucked out of my mind.
- all due respect, '80s rock star, I think you'd have a better line on cocaine than i would.
- so? [laughs.]
- so why are you asking me To procure you drugs like i'm your assistant? - gee, uh, let me see.
because i fucking can.
- i don't think i like your tone, bud, Not one little bit.
- 9:00 p.
m.
, my trailer on set.
Okay? - [scoffs.]
- aw, christ, runkle.
Sack up! If a client asks you To dress up like a french maid and rim his shit-hole, You comply, with bells on, huh? I would hook him up myself, but my guy's in thailand-- Just some sex tourism, something like that, anyway.
So this one's on you.
Oh.
almost forgot.
Here.
Annual bonus.
Don't spend it all in one place, ladyboy.
- this does seem mighty small.
I think i got a bigger bonus check When i worked at blockbuster in '91.
- wait, wait.
be kind, rewind.
Hank moody worked at blockbuster? - yeah.
yeah, i had the khakis, the tucked-in polo.
[laughs.]
the whole thing.
I used to splice porn into the disney films.
- of course you did.
- but back to you.
How does this all make you feel Emotionally? - wow.
Well [sighs.]
Between my sad little bonus check And my new position as rick springfield's Drug dealer/pimp, I would have to say i feel like shit emotionally.
- enough! i've grown tired of your jibber-jabber, runkle.
My turn.
let's switch it up.
Ohh Becca got expelled.
She went all leon spinks on her bff.
- really? Is it creepy that i find that mildly arousing? - yes.
- continue.
- karen is livid, as well she should be.
I honestly don't know how it all got so out of hand.
Chelsea and becca were thick as thieves, Once upon a time, like you and me.
The dean's been kicked out of the deanery.
Felicia did that, and that ain't right.
And i should be happy.
I know i should, Because we're all packing up and moving to new york soon.
[charlie sobbing.]
Are you weeping? - [continues sobbing.]
- [chuckles.]
- i need cocaine! [sobbing.]
- and this concerns me how? - i don't know! - mm.
- i just--i might get fired! Collini doesn't give a shit about me.
Marcy--marcy, she's a fucking stranger.
[whining.]
no one takes care of me! And now you, you're leaving me too.
You're moving back to new york.
[sobbing.]
- come here.
- [continues sobbing.]
[knock on door.]
- big boy.
- uh, sorry.
Am i interrupting something, professor moody? - nah.
just a complete psychological breakdown.
- i'm just picking up my essay.
Jill said she graded them.
- rock on.
- oh.
[charlie gulps, stops crying.]
- oh, and you should hit up dave edelstein.
Kind of a douche, But his coke is the fucking truth.
What? it's a great study aid.
Plus, it suppresses my gag reflex.
Good foryou know.
- noted.
and dismissed.
Shotgun? - they're not gonna hear that.
- an unreliable drug dealer, the fucking gall.
- all right, well.
we tried, right? I gave it a shot.
- that's you trying? - what? - no wonder my last book didn't sell.
- aeeeii! - cheese it, the cops.
[charlie making nonsense sounds.]
- oh! unlocked.
Go, go! [object clatters.]
- come on.
- ha ha! [laughs.]
bleah! - ooh, a fleshlight-- stealthy, secure.
I hate to say it, but it's highly likely.
Maybe in the labia.
vas definitely.
I would, uh, check it out.
- oh, shit! - looks a little like you.
check it.
Go deep.
dig in.
Get in there.
[squelching sounds.]
Oh, charlie.
[both laughing.]
- ah! goddamn it.
it's sticky inside.
What are you laughing at? - 'cause i know where it is, numb nuts.
Go.
- fucking hell.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
[snake hissing.]
- go ahead.
i had a few when i was a kid.
They're--they're like sweethearts with scales.
Just do it.
- [funny voice.]
what is dis? Okay.
you're not such a bad boy, really, are you? No You're a good little boy.
That's a good boy.
- [exhales sharply.]
- ow! fuck! ah! god! - runkle, shit! What the fuck, runkle? - that fucking thing fed upon me! That fucking goddamn monster fucking ate my flesh.
Oh, shit.
jesus christ, what if it's poisonous? I think i-i feel my heart slowing down.
- oh, my god, i think something weird is happening.
- is there? - you're becoming an even bigger pussy! It's a garter snake.
it's an overgrown earthworm.
You're fine.
[knocking.]
- excuse me.
I.
d.
s.
now.
- oh, well, actually, we're just--we're just visiting.
- yeah? who you visiting? - his, uh--his, uh, cousin.
- yeah.
- lover.
his nephew.
David edelstein.
[laughing.]
david edelstein.
Runkle.
runkle.
Run, runkle! [guard grunting.]
Oh, i'm sorry.
Jeez.
okay.
sorry.
sorry.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
[both grunting.]
Oh! [thud.]
That's my left ball! [thud.]
That's my right ball.
[thud.]
no! not the glans! Runkle, save yourself.
run! Easy on the cuffs there, bad lieutenant.
You're making a big mistake.
- save it for the cops.
- you know, i'm very tight with the dean.
He will not be pleased when he hears about this.
- you're friends with the dean? - i fucked his wife.
[grunts.]
oh! - what, no dinner? - oh.
i didn't think you'd be hungry.
- i'm not.
- no, me neither.
Hey! would you look at that? We have something in common.
- that, and we're both pissed at him.
- i'm not pissed at him, Because it would not be appropriate for me to be-- - mother.
- daughter.
- i just wanna know what the fuck is going on With my own life.
- yep.
that seems reasonable.
- basic, simple things.
Where am i going to school? Is he living with us? is he not living with us? Is someone in charge here, anyone? Or are we just going on in this fucked-up limbo Forever and ever? - sweetie, i know, i know it doesn't make any sense.
- you can't sweetie me.
i'm not six years old anymore.
I need real answers.
- i know.
You're right, i'm sorry.
i-- And i know that's nowhere near enough.
I You see, i had a plan.
I did.
But it just didn't work out the way i thought it would.
- oh, you thought he'd do a good job of being in charge? - right.
I have an idea.
let's get outta here.
We've been cooped up all day long.
We need fresh air.
- whatever.
- that was kind of a yes, wasn't it? Come with me.
[springfield's love is all right tonight plays, muffled.]
[indistinct chatter.]
? ? - hey, man.
- youyou're really hanging out down there, rick.
- yeah.
i like to free-ball with my eight ball.
- evidently.
? ? Jesus.
- ? love is all right ? Okay.
look, rick.
Before i, uh, hand over the goods, I just--i really feel like I need to get something off my chest.
- all right, charlie.
it's okay.
I-i was out of line today.
i'm sorry.
I mean, you're my agent.
you're not my errand boy.
- wow! i'm--i'm surprised.
Well, okay.
uh, thank you, rick.
I appreciate that.
- okay.
so? Coca! - absolutely.
I'm just--i'm very thirsty.
it was a long trip.
I see you got a cooler.
i need some refreshment.
- ? tonight i'm crawling out from in it ? ? ? - where is she? Marcy, where are you? i know you're in here, marcy.
- uh-oh.
- i don't know what shocks me more The fact that you've obviously completely replaced me Or that you jeopardize your sobriety for this fuckwit! - ohh! this fuckwit Happens to be one of the kindest, Gentlest lovers i've ever known.
- ha! yeah, i know a couple of strippers out there Who might dispute that assessment.
- hey, watch it, runkle.
gimme my fucking blow! ? love is ? where is it? ? all right tonight ? - ha ha ha ha ha! - oh, shit! You looking to get your ass fired? - that's not possible.
- really? why is that? - because i fire you first! that's right.
I don't care how much business you bring in.
You're an emotional fucking albatross, rick springfield, And i'm through with you! - charlie, perspective.
You wanna go back to slinging beemers in the valley? - maybe i got carried away.
What i meant to say is - ha ha ha ha.
No, no, no, no.
it's too late, fucker.
You're dead to me.
And you can tell that old cooze collini That the whole harry greenberg agency Is fuckin' dead to me too.
Fuck you! And--and fuck your z3 and fuck your dumb bald head And your small, shitty life! Now, gimme my blow and get the fuck outta here! - gladly.
- oh! ah! Shit! what the fuck? ? love is all right ? - like your dream crush now, marcy? - damn it! - it's like watching a figure skater fall.
- come on, baby, let's go.
we're getting out of here.
? ? [soundless laughter.]
[rick muttering under breath.]
- incoming, boom, boom.
Boom! and the little bird said - dad! - oh! oh, yes.
- i thought you hated chelsea.
- well, since when did you care what i think? Anyway, the point is to say what you wanted to say.
Come on.
[knocking.]
Knock, knock.
Don't be afraid.
we come in peace.
- hello! chelsea! Look who's here! come on in.
- i see.
- thank you.
- i'm just not sure i give a shit.
- i guess that's what passes for a welcome Around here these days.
- i just came to say i'm sorry For punching you in the face.
And calling you a stupid twat.
I was highly emotional.
- aw, look at that.
rapprochement-- it's my favorite part of any war.
Why don't you and becca go up to your room? - it's not necessary, okay, dad? - i'll finish dinner.
- it's fine.
Now, if you two don't mind, I'm enjoying some quality time with my dad Before he checks into the heartbreak hotel.
- we know.
we've been there already.
- oh, come on, now, you don't have to make it sound so dour.
- well, that's a nice try, but you want my opinion? It's so much better not to lie to them, Because they kinda know when things are shitty.
- i-i don't know that things are all that-- - they're shitty, dad.
face it.
All thanks to you know who.
- look, it'd be nice if we could blame hank for all of this, But the fact of the matter is, It's just-- it's more complicated than that.
- i'm not talking about hank.
i'm talking about mom.
She's making a complete ass of herself.
- well, that's true.
- [mouthing words.]
- i'm going to my room.
That's where i'll be, in case, I don't know, you want to apologize further or something.
- [whispering.]
you know, i'm sure she doesn't mean it.
Go on.
take a shot.
- you'll be okay.
You know how we could really get back At those significant others of ours, the two of us? If we made love That would really piss 'em off.
Huh? - oh, wow.
Becca! - too soon? You're right.
it's too soon.
My heart needs to heal.
Hell, i'm not even sure the little dean is up to it, You know.
How 'bout a glass of wine? - sold.
- free at last! You know, the air, it just smells better After you've been in the big house.
Thanks for doing this, by the way.
I can't believe you didn't have Anything better to do with your evening.
- couldn't very well let you rot in there, could i? - well, it's been done.
- well, i'm the one who made the brilliant mistake Of hiring you.
- yes, you did.
- and i never give up on my brilliant mistakes.
I see them through to the bitter end.
- is that where we are? Because i-i knew i recognized the place.
- i don't regret any of it, you know, Despite the humiliation, gossiping in the department, Or the end of my marriage.
- shit.
you gonna go through with this divorce thing? - sure.
it's a wonderful feeling, you know, Once you realize that it's all behind you-- All that bitterness and anguish and torment.
- mm.
I don't know, i, uh-- i've been there.
I have.
but it wasn't like that for me.
It was more like having A giant hole ripped in my universe.
- yeah, but you never actually let go, did you? It's the pain that holds people together, The need to hurt one another.
Once that's gone, there's nothing left.
Nothing worth saving, anyway.
- i don't accept that.
where's the love, lady? - the love? - yes.
where it be located? To misquote a '70s soul classic.
Don't make me go roberta flack on your ass.
- that's love, torturing each other? Half in, half out? - torture.
that sounds like love to me.
- well, you go on believing that if you like.
- i like.
that shit's romantic.
- i've had quite enough torture for one lifetime.
Ohh, enough with doing the right thing.
I never thought you'd be one of those types, you know? The ones who suffer in silence.
- no, i'm not.
i-i suffer very loudly.
You should try it sometime.
- [laughs.]
No, thanks.
From now on, i'd just rather be happy.
- so that's it? You discovered the key to happiness In one short semester? - well, i did have a little help.
Thanks, professor.
You know if you ever decide To rethink that philosophy of yours, Let me know.
I'll be around.
- ? catch a cannonball ? ? gonna take me down the line ? ? my bag is sinkin' low ?