Cougar Town s03e09 Episode Script

G-mail, beer me! We're trying to get my daughter to nap.
Andy, stop that toast! Close your eyes.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder what you are Up above the world so high Like a diamond in the sky Twinkle, twinkle, little star How I wonder what you are We did it.
Face! We're dumb.
Hey, dime eyes.
Your baby mama just pulled up.
Why is dummy late this time? Maybe Holly forgot she had a baby.
She's not that ridiculous.
Hey, you guys.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I was driving in to the boob doctor, 'cause, um, I'm thinking about going a little bigger.
Actually, maybe a little bit smaller.
I don't really care.
I just need a change I fogot I had this baby.
- Grayson-- - In your face! I was gonna say "in your face".
You just stole my thunder! You're a thunder stealer! That's my Indian name.
You do it again, and we're going to therapy.
Please don't make me.
You take your friends to therapy? Yeah, if they annoy me.
So if Tampa ever had a little break from reality like her mama did that one time, you guys could help? We would do anything, whether she needed our time or our money or Did you just say "our money"? Yeah.
Why? Oh, no.
Please.
Please don't-- don't make me go there.
Why should I pay for his mistake? Don't you think it's a skosh hurtful to refer to his child as a "mistake"? What if I called her a "Woopsie"? I'll allow it.
Okay, thanks.
Good.
You are setting aside egoism to resolve a source of dissonance.
Don't big-word me, Lynn.
No, it was a compliment.
I don't care.
I-I don't either.
We're getting married.
I thought we'd combine our finances.
So you want to help pay for Travis's college? Sure.
Yeah, even if he goes to med school.
So you think Bobby and I could produce a doctor, huh? Bobby's literally never read a book, and yesterday I got my hand stuck in the bottom of a honey-roasted peanut jar.
The salt and the sugar at the bottom is like heroin.
Look, money is a huge source of conflict in any marriage.
I mean, even with my Reggie, may he rest in peace, uh, most of our arguments were about money and his prostitute problems, but any good relationship requires sharing everything even STDs, but also money.
Grayson's right.
Oh, yes! If you weren't my therapist, we would so be going to therapy.
Where's the coffee grinder? Under the sink.
Do you know where Stan is? No, but I think it's good that neither of us knows.
Oh, I remember where I put him.
Stan the man! Give me some, buddy.
Classic.
Why do you always mess with people? That's how I show love.
But you never screw with Bobby, and I know you two love each other, because his hand is in your back pocket.
Just grabbing some gum.
Why do you leave him alone? Oh.
It's because you think he can't take it.
Oh, is that true, buddy? Happy? I am coming for you.
Here is your double chocolate fudge cake, Cindy.
Have a great party.
There is no party.
She's single, and it's Friday.
Cindy makes me sad.
Who cares? My cake business is on fire! I'm picking my classes for next semester.
Should I go with all photography courses or throw in a class in some profession that actually makes money, in case I ever want to, you know, eat? Do you remember my life philosophy? - Don't get hammered at brunch? - The one after that.
- You gotta shake it 'till you make it? - It turns out, that one is only really good for dance-offs or cocktails.
Okay, new life philosophy-- Nothing ever works out unless you are in Oh, my god.
I'm late for my real job.
Okay, excuse me! Well, good-bye to you, sir, and thank you for calling with your very important real estate question.
Why are you so winded? I was just putting on my lipstick.
I have to hold my breath to do it.
That's a pretty shade.
Is that so people on the moon know you're tacky? Uh, I just can't wrap my head around this whole "our money" thing.
The day I found out Andy and I were sharing money, I quit my job, got a big TV, and bought myself ten pairs of sweatpants.
Never looked back.
But you weren't married to a financial black hole.
I mean, it took me forever to get out of debt, and now I have a very successful business.
Oh, by the Wayans Brothers, my paycheck bounced.
Oh, well, just give it a week.
It'll clear.
Or you could pay her now.
Wait.
Did you just realize something that I should have realized? Okay, don't tell me! Lead me there.
Okay.
What's your problem? I have a urinary tract infection.
No, the one we just talked about.
I can't pay Laurie.
So now why are you mad Grayson? Because he gave me the U.
T.
I.
No! Uh, because he wants to combine finances.
You got it! Let's go! Oh, this is exciting.
Where are we going? No clue.
Ellie's just jealous.
She thinks I care about you more than her.
Do you? Yes.
It's not even close.
That's why I never mess with you.
Oh, thanks, man.
I feel much better.
What's that? It's my self-generating water bottle.
You just leave it in the sun, And the tiny motor fuses oxygen and hydrogen.
It basically pulls water out of the air and fills itself up.
You wanna try it out? Could I? Check it! Andy lent me his self-generatin' water bottle.
Fantastic.
I don't feel good about this.
You've never been sexier.
Shirts off tonight.
Why are you robbing me? Well, I owe Laurie money for work, so I thought I would pay her with our money.
Thank you And I would like to buy this burger.
Oh, my God.
Now I understand how the economy works.
- Proud of yourself? - You're the one who wanted to pool our money so-- In your face! Thunder stealer.
I warned you.
No, please don't.
So, Ellie, how long have you been a thunder stealer? It all started about 15 years ago.
Oh brother.
Okay.
You know, it's smart that you guys are taking a look at your finances.
Grayson, your bar is breaking even, but you're not putting any money away.
Nope.
4-day workweeks, free drinks-- Livin' the dream.
What's up? No, thanks.
It happened again, didn't it? Well, I just shouldn't keep honey-roasted peanuts here.
Okay, pressing on.
Jules, you're doing actually okay.
The rent on this place is so high.
Do you have to stay in the plaza? Yeah.
My business is all about foot traffic.
Really? No, but in the afternoon, when the sun hits my desk just right, all my neck issues disappear.
This next cut is a bit painful, But Ellie said I have to tell you.
You probably don't need an assistant.
Laurie, Andy wants to fire you! Seriously, Andy?! Ellie said! I'm not saying when, but you're getting a dead arm.
Now I have to go do some work thing.
I don't want a dead arm.
Look, all this financial stress disappears once you guys get married.
Obviously, you're gonna sell one of your houses - and live together.
- Live together? Like, all the time together? Good luck with your future.
I have cake orders coming in, but I have to go back to my real job.
I wish there was more than one of me, and not just for the sex stuff.
I wonder if any of these randos would want to help me out.
Well, you know, if there is one thing people love It's working for free.
I don't know.
Happy people get their coffee to go.
The ones that actually sit down are the lost souls.
They're just waiting, trying to get up enough courage to pull a tab off the "drummer wanted" sign.
No, dude.
You're not what they're looking for.
I bet they're all just kinda dying for something to do.
You really think you're gonna get help from a failed screenwriter, a failed screenwriter, and a failed screenwriter? Hey, Tom.
Would you go deliver this cake for me? You want me to drop everything and drive a cake across town? I do.
I'm on it.
Boom! Water! We got water! No way! Water! Yogi, how's that self-generating water bottle treating ya? It's amazing, but this regulator sucks.
This thing flooded my boat.
That'll happen.
Tell him why, Andy.
I don't wanna.
Tell him why.
The amount of water generated depends on the heat-to-wind ratio.
I get the "Whys" of it.
I just wish it had a better regulator.
Don't you laugh at him! Don't you do it! He's a beautiful person! So, look, Jules and I are having a hard time deciding which house to keep, so we need your help.
Just be honest and speak from your heart.
I'll always loved Jules's house.
Shut up, Andy.
Guys.
give him a break.
This is really hard.
We both have strong emotional ties to our houses.
I mean, I raised my only son in my beautiful mediterranean home.
And while Grayson's house doesn't seem to get any natural light, he did go through a nasty divorce here, which led to a yearlong skank parade.
Now I'm not trying to sway you either way, but when you get up from that ottoman, I'd go get a pregnancy test.
It is a cushiony platform with wheels.
It was utilized.
Would you guys mind if I made this about me? We'd be surprised if you didn't.
Jules's house is right next to mine.
Ours.
Anyway, Grayson's house is an extra 30 steps Every day forever.
Can't do it.
I told you to come up with an emotional, heartfelt reason to pick mine.
You know, I'm partial to the layout of this house.
You know, the open floor plan has a very logical flow.
"Logical flow"? Hmm.
That's how you talk now? Fine.
Grayson bribed me with beer.
Oh, God.
You aren't mad, are you, Jules? Well, doc, I guess I've been lettin' jules down for years.
He really has.
Hey,Steve,did those eggs manage to order themselves? Get on it! Is this for real? As real as the easter bunny, except real.
Oh! It's showtime.
Here you go, Betsy.
Krazy kakes.
Hold for Miss.
Keller.
This is Laurie Keller.
Sure.
Done.
Attention, staff.
We just sold our 20th cake taday! Congratulations, you guys.
Wow.
So drunk on power.
Trav, go fetch me a latte.
No.
Thank you for keeping me grounded.
What's wrong with you people? She's not paying you.
Uh, we're part of something here, man.
I'm taking this bad boy hiking.
But it's crazy hot out.
And all you're taking is that empty bottle.
And these pretzels.
There's still a sip in there.
That thing works best if it's completely empty.
On it.
I have to tell him.
But if you do, it's like saying he can't handle it.
Dry as a bone.
You know, I used to get magic and science mixed up But now I realize they're just one and the same.
Have a good hike.
You betcha.
Jules, you have a set session every week.
No more showing up whenever you want.
It's okay.
Uh, Baxter will still be dead tomorrow.
Oh, I'm so sorry about your dog.
Brother.
Nice meeting you.
We just need some help with this house decision.
You know the drill.
Let me hear your "What I wants.
" What I want is for him to stop being unreasonable.
I want her to think about my needs.
And I want to know where you got this lip balm.
I want to know-- what are you doing here? Just trying to fill the day.
Can we get back to my session? This isn't your session.
That's for another session.
Okay, I just don't think we're gonna agree on which house to sell, so what do we do, flip a coin? Deal.
By the way, this stuff really is great.
All right.
Heads--we stay at my place.
Tails--we live in Grayson's crap shack.
Jules, I don't think you're gonna want to make such a big decision on a coin flip.
Well, I-I want to.
That's it.
I make the all the compromises in this relationship.
I eat gluten-free pasta, which tastes like farts.
I stopped wearing blazers with hoodies.
Oh, my God.
I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be impartial, but come on.
I'm keeping my house.
Fine! Then I'm keeping my house! So what are we doing with the rest of my session? This isn't your session.
Oh, would you stop it? You gonna stay over there tonight? It is Saturday.
I mean, we used to always stay here on the weekends.
I know.
I really miss that.
You were there last night.
Stop being weird.
Just talk.
Dead arm! Ohh! He's totally right, you guys.
Your house or mine? Come here.
We'll have sex first.
You heading in? Sure am.
Ohh.
It's brutal.
Make sure you've got a lot of water.
I've got an extra bottle if you want it.
I'm all set.
But you um Okay.
I bought a demon mask so I can get revenge on Stan.
I just don't know if I should wait till he falls asleep and jump on his bed or just throw him over my shoulder and run off into the woods with him.
He's your child.
Well, he needs to learn.
I can't deal with this right now.
He's hiking in the devil's hole.
That's, like, 20 miles without shade.
You let your friend hike devil's hole without any water? I mean, I thought you cared about him.
You're kidding, right? He's fine.
Don't you think he's fine? Why won't you work?! Ha! Whew.
I'm back.
I can't drop this off.
There's an emergency at the hospital.
Well, it's practically on your way.
I'm sorry.
Ohh.
Well, with that attitude, he's never gonna be anything more than a delivery boy.
He's a neurosurgeon.
I'll just get Karen to do it.
Karen? Well, wait.
What-- where did everybody go? Travis! You were supposed to keep them here.
What I am supposed to threaten them with? "You'll never work in the volunteer cake-selling business again"? Oh, this sucks.
I felt like this was becoming something real.
Well, it still can be.
Look at all these orders you got.
I mean, if you really want this cake business so badly, Why don't you actually go for it? What, and quit working for your mom? Travis, I could never let her down like that.
Well, then you're betraying your own life's philosophy.
Never fight short-haired bitches? - What? - I changed it again.
Something went down earlier in the ladies' room.
Laurie, you said it, okay? Nothing you really want in life works out unless you're in 100%.
I know.
She's back.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Don't look over there.
Look away.
Uh-huh.
Jules, is--is everything okay? Hey, Lynn.
You want a glass of wine? You said it was an emergency.
You--you said Grayson hit you.
No.
I meant, hit on me.
I just wasn't feeling sexual, and you know that's a hot-button issue for me.
Looks like you just had sex.
Oh, we did.
Well, look, now you're here.
Let's just get into it.
The house issue.
Okay, I'm--I'm sorry, but this is not okay with me.
I am a professional and that's my lip balm! I'm your craziest patient.
You can retire off me.
You have a point.
I did just buy a catamaran And I don't even know how to sail.
All right.
What do you need? We need a quick fix.
You want, like, uh, you want, like, an easy-out kinda thing, right? Yeah, yeah, okay.
Uh, how about this? You guys aren't getting married for a few more months.
You know, maybe you guys can get lucky and it could all fall apart before then, so why sell a house now, you know what I mean? Take all those hard decisions that, by the way, every couple has to make and just let 'em fester inside, you know what I mean? Just--just put 'em off until the last possible moment, huh? Ooh, let's do that.
Yeah.
I-I was being, uh-- mm.
You're good, Lynn But in the short term, what do we do about your business? I know what I should do.
Laurie.
I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you, too.
I can't believe you had the park ranger check on Bobby.
He's lost in the Devil's Hole with a water bottle full of lies.
So he gets a little thirsty.
What's the worst that can happen? They're bringing him out now.
Bobby! Bobby! Make it quick.
He's severely dehydrated.
That's just a normal water bottle, isn't it? Yeah.
Then thanks for messin' with me, buddy.
Anytime.
You married to one of those guys? No, they're lovers.
Wanna have dinner? Nope.
Wow, this is hard.
It's so hard.
All these years you've been there for me.
I'm so lucky to have had that.
Before I met you, I had nothing.
I was as lost as someone who hangs out in coffee shops, but you hired me, and you taught me how to be responsible and how to take control of my life.
- I didn't do that.
- Yes, you did.
All right.
I did, but you listened.
Come here.
Go ahead.
Say it.
No.
You're gonna have to do this.
I can't do it.
Okay, let's say it at the same time.
Okay.
- Go! You're fired.
- I quit.
I can't believe you fired me.
I can't believe you quit.
Bitch.
I can't believe we're not gonna see each other every day.
I know.
Hey.
Are you still gonna keep this expensive office? Hi.
Would you like to see some beachfront condos? No, I just want cupcakes.
Crap.
What's wrong? Mommy looks weird without her makeup.
Attaboy, Stan.
Beat it.