Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e09 Episode Script

Wohh! Princess! Wow, you really miss Princess, don't you? Why would you just bring that up out of the blue? Because you just said "Wohh! Princess!" I don't think so.
There is no way I wohh! Princess! I'm really sorry that Princess's owner is keeping you guys apart.
I wish that I could help, but Heather and I don't exactly get along.
It's okay.
I have to accept that we're never going to be together and move on.
I can be strong.
I can do it.
Is that Princess? I miss you! Stan, you're leaning a little far.
I think I can see her next door in her yard.
I just need to see around that Stan! It's okay! Ellen broke my fall! Mom! It's okay, she's knocked out so she can't hear me talk.
Glad your mom's all right.
Better than all right.
Her mild headache gives her something to bravely overcome.
She really needed this since the sympathy had run dry from her a-crow-stole-my-mini-muffin story.
Thanks for getting me out of the house.
I guess I was kind of losing it.
Sure.
And I'm glad to be off the computer.
I've been waiting for more orders on my fashion website, but they've kind of stopped.
I've got to figure out a way to get people interested in the clothes I'm designing again.
I like them.
Of course, I think clothes are good for people in general.
Without the fur, you're kind of nasty.
Oh, there's Princess! How do I look? Oh, please tell me I have an attractive stream of eye goop draining onto my cheek.
Too bad Heather's with her.
I don't care.
I'm going in.
Princess, I miss you so much.
You get away from us, you, yucky butt-sniffer.
Disparage me all you wish, madam, but to disparage the time-honored art of butt-sniffing is a step too far.
A step too far, I say.
Hey, you know, you could be nice.
I am being nice.
And you might be able to see that if you weren't so gross.
That's right.
I'm gross, in an impressive way, like the gross domestic product of a major industrialized nation.
I think that got her.
She was signing Princess up for a dog fashion show here at the park.
I'm going to do it so I can be close to Princess.
But you're not really a show dog.
And I'm not a stunt dog either, but I did just fine falling out of the window onto your mother.
Got it in one.
Stan: I'm gonna get to hang out with Princess.
And be in a fashion show.
I always wondered what my life would be like if I were a model.
Ahh! What's that?! Relax, Mom, it's the text tone on my phone.
Oh, good, ever since the dog fell on my head, I've been hearing bells.
I was worried it had spread into a bad case of the boings.
There is no texting at dinner, Tyler.
You know the rule.
Ooh, I got a text! Me, too! But you guys said no texting at dinner.
This is different.
We don't have friends, so it must be important.
Man: (On message tone) Tyler's awesome.
Tyler, you changed my text tone.
I love it! Ah, it's a group text from Nikki.
She's sent it to all of us.
Tyler, why is your girlfriend texting all of us? 'Cause she's not coming back from El Salvador.
Their president has declared her beauty a national treasure and asked her to stay to increase tourism.
Their new motto is, "Come to El Salvador.
We got Nikki.
" Well, we talked about it and decided if she's not coming back, we have to break up.
And she's so busy giving speeches, visiting hospitals, posing for the new flag.
Plus, you know, I got a lot going on, too.
Yes, you do.
So much going on.
No, you don't.
So what do you think? For the fashion show.
Robert helped me pick it out.
Where is Robert? Robert, I'm beginning to question your motives.
Stan, the fashion show is for clothes.
That's just a costume.
Hey.
Why don't I make the outfits for you? I can wear one of my designs as I'm walking you down the runway and drum up a little business for myself.
As long as we can make it about you, that'll be great.
Are you still reading that group text that Nikki sent out? The one that Nikki and Tyler keep texting each other on, not realizing it's being sent to all of us? That would be prying.
A horrible and inappropriate invasion of privacy.
What's your favorite one? This one right here.
Where he says, "He's so sad they're apart because they go together like frogs and green.
Like armpits and tickles.
Where does he get his analogies? Technically they're right, but they're just weird.
Should we be doing this? This really is an intrusion.
What choice do we have? I could read about his most intimate thoughts on his Buddy Bop account, but he won't accept my bop request.
No, you're right.
We need to keep tabs on him so we can help him.
It's just good parenting.
He does need supervision.
He used the emoticon that looked like this when he clearly meant Oh.
Tyler says he's lonely, like a cricket at a grasshopper party.
Where does he get these analogies? That is so sad.
Poor little cricket.
Okay, I'm starting to see where he gets it.
(Laughing) Stan: I'm having so much fun, I'm laughing in my brain.
Stan, we have to get dressed for the fashion show.
Oh, please, not yet.
Just five more minutes of playing with Princess.
The show's about to start.
We have to get ready.
Why are you even here? You losers can't beat us.
We only buy dog clothes from designers who are trending.
Who? Diane von Furstenbark? Giorgio Arf-mani? Yes.
And also Vera Wag.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my joke backfired, or that those things exist.
Thank you, Bill and Gary.
I'm not sure which is which.
And here's Heather with Princess, again not sure which is which, modeling the latest from Tommy Hilfigrrrr.
Whoa, that is a tough act to follow.
And finally, here's Avery with Stan.
That's right, you love it.
Model poses.
Pouty.
Contemplative.
Rebel that you just got to have.
Who were you wearing? Oh, I designed these myself.
I'm Avery Jennings.
That doesn't make any sense.
Where's the dog pun? Averr-y? Aha! I love it! Well, it looks like the judges have made their decision and we don't even have to bring those other losers back out.
Our winner is Stan wearing Averr-y Jennings! Stan: Ah, oh, this is for you, Princess.
My love.
My muse.
Oh, no.
Where is she going? Princess! Stan, this is very weird.
I did not make this.
Where did this come from? Stan, I don't know why you're so down.
You got to spend time with Princess today, like you wanted.
You knew that it wasn't gonna last.
I'm a dog.
I don't think about the future.
I have no concept of time.
Is Julius Caesar still proconsul? Stan, he's been dead for 2,000 years.
What? This day just keeps getting worse.
Well, at least you got to spend time with Princess today.
But after having that time, I love her more than ever and being away from her hurts more than ever.
I wish I'd never even done this.
(Doorbell ringing) A lot of people liked the clothes you made for your disgusting animal.
So make clothes for Princess.
I don't get it, but if it's trending, I do it.
I haven't had non-Greek yogurt in two years.
So you want me to make clothes for your dog and you're not even being nice to me? I am being nice.
I didn't say ulchh when I stepped into your house.
Ulchh.
And I don't just want clothes for my dog.
I want to sell them to other people.
I want to stupid work with you in a stupid business.
And why would I want to work with you? I do my own thing.
I don't need a partner.
Especially one who's so ulch.
First, you're saying it wrong.
It's ulchh.
Second, you don't have connections and I do.
You sew.
I sell.
We make money.
It's not like anyone's buying your people clothes.
How do you know that? I just saw them and assumed.
Well, I'm charmed by your sales pitch but I'm gonna say no.
Fine.
If you want to let opportunity pass you by.
I was just so nice to you for no reason.
Can you believe her? There's no way I'd want to work with her on anything.
Although, if you did, I'd get to see Princess again.
Which would be great.
It's Heather.
She's a human shark.
She has six rows of teeth and an old sailor's leg in her stomach.
Avery, please.
This means so much to me.
I never ask you for help of any kind You ask for help all the time.
You didn't let me finish.
I never ask you for help of any kind except all the time.
Please, Avery.
Okay, fine.
You know, how much your happiness means to me.
Oh, thank you so much.
I owe ya.
I'm not making any promises, but someone might be finding a squirrel under her pillow tonight.
Are you dipping pizza in chocolate fondue? You're way smarter than anyone knows.
Yep.
I got me a warm bucket of chocolate.
There are only a couple of words that come after "warm bucket of" that are good and this is one of them.
Good thing I have my emergency marshmallow in case of a marshmallow emergency.
Does that happen a lot? It only has to happen once.
So how'd you get this? I caught Mom and Dad snooping through my texts with Nikki.
So we've been sending each other fake texts about how sad I am so Mom and Dad will buy me stuff.
Watch this.
He says, he wishes he could be with Nikki in El Salvador.
The only thing that will take his mind off it is if he gets a new BMX bike.
I know how he feels.
When Amy Garner broke up with me in 8th grade, I tried to find comfort in a pair of high top roller skates.
But no matter how fast I skated backwards, I couldn't turn back the clock.
Is this the same Amy Garner you had lunch with last week? Hey, I want a piece of this scam.
No way.
This is my scam.
Not if I tell Mommy and Daddy.
Of course, I'll stay quiet if I get a new Stacy Startles-A-Lot doll.
You tap it on the shoulder and it goes (Screaming) Chloe, you can't blackmail me.
Okay.
How about extortion? It'd be a shame if something happened to this lovely fondue set.
He says he can't be happy unless his sister gets a Stacy Startles-A-Lot doll? He never cares if anyone else is happy.
He's playing us! What a betrayal! To take our spying on him and turn it into something ugly.
We need to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Hm, like with my great, great uncle Cornelius Steincrotch.
He kept rustling cattle until the townsfolk taught him a thing or two.
What did they do? They taught him a thing or two.
About bookkeeping.
He went to work at the general store and later became an alderman.
So you'll work with me if our dogs can play together? That's the deal.
Fine.
Stan: Princess let's frolic.
Where can I put my purse where it won't get gross? It's couture, which is French for "Daddy loves me.
" Stan: This is the best frolicking ever.
Eww.
You're making the holes for the tails so big.
What kind of fat-tailed dogs do you know? Whatever, Heather.
I don't even care.
I'm just doing this so that our dogs can play together.
Well, you better care.
These clothes have to be popular.
Because I'm popular.
And your dog's tail looks like a burrito.
Stan: That's always been my problem area.
Gross.
Gross.
That's cute.
Kidding.
Gross.
See, I'm funny.
She has no taste and she's really annoying, but her dog clothes are gonna sell.
Texting about somebody else.
How do you spell your name? Are you sure, Bennett? I mean, this seems little extreme.
Trust me.
We'll call Tyler's bluff and he'll learn his lesson.
Okay, but we're gonna have to be real smooth so he doesn't catch on.
Tyler, we have something we need to confess.
Son, we've been reading your texts with Nikki.
I'm outraged.
Super, super outraged! Chloe: This is the worst acting I've ever seen.
Son, we're going to make it up to you.
We know from reading your texts that if you can't be with Nikki in El Salvador, the only thing that will make you happy is a new BMX bike and a Stacy Startles-A-Lot doll for your sister.
I'm gonna startle that doll.
I'm gonna startle her good.
So, Tyler, we have decided to get you Tyler: A bike.
Yes! A ticket to El Salvador to see Nikki! I'm gonna write my name on her seat so everyone knows she's mine.
Wait, you said "Nikki?" Yep.
That's what you texted you wanted so it must be true.
Tyler: Nikki broke up with me! I can't go to El Salvador.
But I also can't let them know I was messing with them.
Thank you, guys.
That's great.
Chloe: Well, I guess I'll have to startle something else.
(Screaming) Thank you, Mommy.
That's great.
Ellen, I thought Tyler would confess and learn his lesson.
Ellen: This is your fault, Bennett.
You're blaming me in your mind, aren't you? Ellen: Yes, I am.
No, we're in this together.
Working with you is so boring.
There's no office gossip.
I'll start it.
You hear about that boring girl I work with? You don't work with me.
You just distract me until I sew the clothes to my sleeve.
That is the worst gossip ever.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
It's so boring in here.
I feel sorry for that fern.
Avery, I can see how much this is eating you up inside.
Just tell her off, it's okay.
No, I can't.
She'll take Princess.
But it's not working.
With her insulting you, I'm not having any fun with Princess.
I need both my girls to be happy.
Stan, you can't give up on Princess just because Heather's a jerk.
I can put up with her.
I'm just getting something from my purse.
Hard candy is very popular with my mouth right now.
Don't touch it.
You may think lameness isn't contagious, but one time, a nerd touched my pencil, then I got a zit.
Stan: I'm sorry, Princess.
I just can't let my best friend be treated like this.
Hey! Your dog's got my purse! Where's your polo mallet? What? We don't have a polo mallet.
Ugh, average people are the worst.
Do something! No.
Stop.
Don't.
That's it.
We're done.
Keep your fat-tailed dog away from Princess.
Stan, you didn't have to do that for me.
Yeah, Avery.
I did.
Goodbye, Princess.
Tyler, you can't go to El Salvador.
You're my fondue hook-up.
Baby got to get her dip on.
Well, I can't let Mom and Dad know I was threatening to go to El Salvador just to get a BMX bike.
But don't worry.
There's no way they'll actually let me get on the plane.
There's no way he'll actually get on the plane.
Trust me.
He'll crack.
Oh, he's gonna crack.
Long before That taxi gets here.
(Car honking) Unless they're early.
There's no way they're gonna let me get in that taxi.
So the taxi is here.
Guess I'm gonna go get in the taxi? Guess you are? Guess I am? Tyler: There's no way they're gonna let me go to El Salvador.
Bennett: There's no way he's gonna go to El Salvador.
Ellen: That's a really nice color on Tyler.
Chloe: Why is no one talking? Okay, then I'm going to El Salvador.
Yes, son.
Off to El Salvador you go.
Right.
Off to El Salvador.
Tyler: They're gonna stop me any second any second any second.
What happened? I did not think he would go this far, Ellen.
I did not think it would go this far, Nikki.
(Door bell rings) Stan, it's the doorbell.
You usually bark at the doorbell.
You remember the good old days, Avery? When I still had hope and Caesar was still proconsul.
Stan, eating a Caesar salad out of the take out bag does not give you a strong personal connection to any of the Caesars.
So do you think Princess is as sad as you are? I know she is.
Then I think I have a way to fix this.
I got your text that you know why my dog is sick.
How did you even know she's sick? What did you feed her? What did you do? Nothing.
I know that she's sad because she misses Stan.
That's ridiculous.
Stan: Princess! Yeah! Frolicking again.
See? Princess is happy now that she's back with Stan.
You can't be such a horrible person that you don't care about your dog's happiness.
Of course, I care about her happiness.
Why do you think I bought her a car? How about we let our dogs play together and you and I have nothing to do with each other.
Fine.
They can play together.
But this will never last.
Yes, it will.
It's true love.
You really need to get a boyfriend.
I would love to disagree with you! Stan: Princess and I are so happy.
We've been seeing so much of each other I don't really have time for anything else.
I promise, buddy.
We'll play this weekend.
So how was El Salvador? Nice.
Yeah.
I've heard that.
Guess I'll just unpack.
Guess so.
Sounds good.
Is everyone drinking crazy water? He went to El Salvador! Talk about it! Ah!