Doug (1991) s03e09 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
MR. SULLY, I'LL GIVE YOU
THREE BRAINWAVE WOMANS
FOUR HUMAN CYCLONES
AND ONE YO-YO GIRL.
HMM, NO, I
DON'T THINK SO.
I MEAN THIS AMAZING MAN
O' STEEL MANNUMBER 45
IS NOT JUST ANY OLD
MAN O' STEEL MAN.
THIS IS THE LAST ISSUE DRAWN
BY THE ORIGINAL CREATOR
DARBY BLUE.DARBY BLUE.
I KNOW, SO WHA
IF I ADD
THE FIRST FIVE ISSUES
OF THE LUMPY SQUAD?
[ sighs]
ALL RIGHT, KID.
LOOKS LIKE YOU
REALLY WANT THIS.
LOOK, SKEETER,
I GOT IT!
I GOT NUMBER 45!
DOUG HAS THE WHOLE SERIES!
YOU DO?
WELL, EXCEPT FOR
ISSUE NUMBER ONE.
Boys:
YOU GOT MAN O' STEEL MAN
NUMBER ONE!
YEP, JUS
CAME IN.
UH, HOW MUCH IS IT?
UH-UH, NOT FOR SALE.
NOT THIS BABY.
TOOK ME
TEN YEARS
TO FIND.
IT'S
PRICELESS.
HMM, OH WELL.
YOU MEAN I CAN
TOUCH IT?
YEP.
Doug:
THE RARESTMAN O' STEEL MAN
IN THE WORLD.
THE ONLY THING I REALLY
WANTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE
RIGHT HERE IN MY OWN TWO HANDS.
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE IT.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ barks]
I COULDN'T THINK
ABOUT ANYTHING
BUTMAN O' STEEL MAN
NUMBER ONE.
EVEN IF I FOUND ONE,
I COULD NEVER AFFORD IT.
WHAT WAS THE POINT?
THERE ARE ONLY 75
COPIES IN THE WORLD.
THE CHANCES OF
FINDING ANOTHER ONE
ARE ONE IN A ZILLION
NO, A BAJILLION!
HEY, YOU
LIKE COMICS?
THE AMAZING MAN.
OH, YEAH, HE'S GREAT.
LISTEN, I GOT A FRIEND
WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF COMICS
HE'S TRYING
TO GET RID OF.
I DON'T KNOW--
KING QUACKEY
UNCLE GRUNTY AND
HIS BARNYARD GANG
MY LITTLE FLOUNCY
KEEP LOOKING, YOU'LL
FIND SOMETHING.
THE SUPER GINSENG
IT WAS A MIRACLE!
MAN O' STEEL MAN NUMBER ONE
JUST LYING IN A TRUNK LIKE
AN ORDINARY COMIC BOOK.
I WONDERED IF HE KNEW
DOUG, THEY GOT THA
PRICELESS ISSUE!
I GUESS THIS
ONE IS OKAY.
[ whispering]
THAT ONE MIGHT BE WORTH
QUITE A FEW BILLS
BECAUSE IT'S
IN A WRAPPER.
THAT THING IS
WORTH A
Doug:
USUALLY, I'D
SAY YOU'RE RIGH
BUT THIS COPY
ISN'T IN MINT CONDITION.
WHAT DO
YOU MEAN?
THERE'S THUMB MARKS
ON THE PAGES
AND A ROLLED SPINE
AND LOOK AT THA
TEAR, RIGHT THERE.
BUT, DOUG,
THAT'S
[ whispering]:
OKAY, DO IT.
HE SAYS, OKAY.
WHAT'S I
WORTH TO YOU?
HE SAYS, YOU GO
A DEAL, MY MAN.
PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH YOU.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT!
HERE
HE IS,
SUPERHEROS
THE AMAZING BOY WHO
COLLECTED MY ENTIRE SERIES!
WELCOME.
THERE'S NO TIME
FOR CONGRATULATIONS.
MY MASSIVE BRAIN HAS JUS
DETECTED A DISTURBANCE.
HEY, WHAT THE !
AHHH!
OHHH!
Man O' Steel Man:
WHAT THIEVERY!
ONLY ONE MAN
COULD DO THIS!
YOUR ARCHNEMESIS
DR. MASTERSNATCHER--
INTRODUCED IN
ISSUE NUMBER 45?
YOU ARE AN
AMAZING BOY.
QUICK, SUPERHEROS,
WE'VE NO TIME TO LOSE!
YOU'RE PAR
OF THE TEAM NOW
COMIC COLLECTOR BOY.
FOLLOW ME!
YOU WANT TO STOP
AT SULLY'S?
I WANT TO
SEE HIS FACE
WHEN I TELL HIM
HUH?
CL-CLOSED?
IT'S ALWAYS
OPEN SATURDAYS!
Skeeter:
I WONDER WHAT'S UP.
Doug:
MAYBE MR. SULLY
GOT SICK OR
HIS MAN O' STEEL MAN
NUMBER ONE IS GONE!
NO WAY IT COULD
BE THE SAME ONE.
STUFF LIKE THIS
HAPPENS, UH
ALL THE TIME.
EXACTLY WHA
I WAS THINKING.
LET'S NOT LEAP
TO CONCLUSIONS.
WE STILL DON'T KNOW
THAT ANYTHING HAP
Doug:
"RARE COMIC BOOK
COLLECTION SHOPLIFTED
FROM USED BOOK STORE"?
OH, NO!
HE'S SNATCHING
EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.
FASTER, SUPERHEROS,
WE'VE GOT TO STOP HIM.
WAIT!
HELP!
Doug:
SULLY'S BOOK NOOK?
OH, NO!
HE'S TAKEN
AAH!
MAN O' STEEL MAN,
WHAT'S WRONG?
[ weakly]:
THIS MUST BE HIS HIDEOUS PLAN.
YES, ONCE HE SNATCHES EVERY
COMIC BOOK IN THE GALAXY
HE'LL HAVE TOTAL CONTROL
OF OUR SUPERPOWERS.
[ maniacal laughing]
QUICK,
YO-YO GIRL.
IT'S USELESS, SUPERJERKS.
NOW THAT I'VE GOT EVERY ISSUE
YOU COULDN'T HARM A FLEA!
[ weakly]:
HELP US COMIC
COLLECTOR BOY
YOU MUST CATCH
DR. MASTERSNATCHER.
YOU MUST
WE TRIED TO FIND THE GUYS
WHO SOLD IT TO ME, BUT
WHAT DID THEY
LOOK LIKE, AGAIN?
THEY WERE HIGH SCHOOL
GUYS WITH SUNGLASSES.
THE STORE STAYED CLOSED
FOR OVER A WEEK.
I KNEW IF I TALKED TO MR. SULLY
HE'D TELL ME MY COPY
WASN'T THE STOLEN ONE.
THAT IT WAS JUST
SOME CRAZY COINCIDENCE.
[ gasping]
OR MAYBE NOT.
EVEN IF IT WAS STOLEN,
I BOUGHT IT FAIR AND SQUARE.
I FIGURED IT'D BE BETTER
TO ASK MY DAD WHAT TO DO.
YES, SON?
THERE'S THIS KID
AND HE GOT A HOLD
OF THIS THING
AND LATER THIS KID
FINDS OUT THA
MAYBE THIS THING
HE WANTED
MAY BE A BAD THING.
WELL, IT'S GOOD-- REALLY GREA
BUT IT MAY BE BAD.
UH-HUH.
AND WHATEVER THAT THING IS
SOMEBODY ELSE DID THE BAD THING.
WHICH "THING"
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
THE MOS
IMPORTANT THING
AND HE BOUGHT I
FAIR AND SQUARE.
WELL, IF IT'S
FAIR AND SQUARE
HE SHOULD KEEP IT?
WELL, IF IT'S
FAIR AND SQUARE
DAD, YOU'RE
THE BEST!
YA-HOO!
AFTER MY DAD TOLD ME
I COULD KEEP I
I FELT OKAY FOR A WHILE.
WHAT A COOL DAD!
HE LET YOU KEEP
SOMETHING YOU STOLE?
NOT STOLE, BOUGHT,
FAIR AND SQUARE.
HE SAID AS LONG AS
IT WAS FAIR AND SQUARE
Skeeter:
HEY, LOOK, DOUG!
SULLY'S IS OPEN!
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
Boy:
OH, WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS?
"ONLY ONE
KID UNDER 18
ADMITTED
AT A TIME"?
TH-TH-THAT'S
CRAZY!
WHY DID
HE DO THAT?
BECAUSE SOME
KID SHOPLIFTED
MR. SULLY'S
COMIC BOOKS.
YEAH, AND
RUINED I
FOR ALL OF US.
SOMEHOW I KNEW
I COULDN'T JUST KEEP
RUNNING AWAY FROM MR. SULLY.
UH, HI.
I'm, uh, sorry
about the robbery.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I WAS
JUST WONDERING IF
ISSUE ONE OF
MAN O' STEEL MANGOT STOLEN?
THEY ALL GOT LIFTED.
EITHER BUY SOMETHING OR LEAVE
SO THE NEXT GREEDY KID
CAN COME SNOOP AROUND.
I'D NEVER HEARD MR. SULLY
TALK ABOUT KIDS THAT WAY BEFORE
AND I NEVER SAW
EVERYBODY THIS UNHAPPY.
[ evil snickering]
[ weakly]:
CAN YOU SEE HIM,
COMIC COLLECTOR BOY?
NO, IT LOOKS LIKE DR.
MASTERSNATCHER HAS ESCAPED.
[ moaning]
OH, NO!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
THERE'S NO HOPE,
COMIC COLLECTOR BOY.
WITHOUT THE COMIC BOOKS,
WE HAVE NO PAST
AND WITHOUT A PAST
WE DON'T EXIST.
[ sobbing]
BUT WAIT, COMIC
COLLECTOR BOY
WHY AREN'T YOU
FADING WITH US?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE A SUPERHERO, TOO.
HE HAS ISSUE
NUMBER ONE.
BUT I DIDN'T STEAL IT.
I BOUGHT I
FAIR AND SQUARE.
WE KNOW.
GOOD-BYE,
COMIC COLLECTOR BOY.
NO!
IT WAS TIME TO DO THE HARDEST
THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.
[ clearing throat]
[ gasps]
OKAY, WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
I BOUGHT IT FROM
TWO HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.
I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS YOURS.
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
ERIC, NORMAN, GET RID
OF ALL THESE SIGNS.
MR. SULLY WAS SO HAPPY
THAT HE LET EVERY KID
IN THE STORE
AND GAVE THEM ALL
A COPY OF THELUMPY SQUAD.
AS FOR ME
I REALIZED THAT HAVING
THE OTHER 99 ISSUES
OF THEAMAZING MAN O' STEEL MAN
WAS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
DO YOU HAVE ISSUE
NUMBER 65 OVER THERE?
I HAVE TO SEE
WHAT HAPPENS TO MENEXT.
BY THE WAY, THANKS AGAIN
FOR GIVING UP YOUR POWERS
TO REVIVE US,
COMIC COLLECTOR BOY!
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?
CALL ME DOUG.
JUST DOUG.
JUST BE CAREFUL
WITH THE COVER.
HEY, WHO'S THAT?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
INTRODUCE YOURSELF.
HMM, MAYBE LATER.
YOU'RE NO
SCARED, ARE
YOU, DOUG?
NO!
OH, CHICKEN!
CHICKEN!
[ clucking]
WHY DON'T YOU GO
OVER THERE YOURSELF?
[ clucking]
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GO OVER,
IF YOU DO.
HI.
HI, I'M
FUN DOUGIE.
DOUG FUNNIE.
WHICH IS IT?
DOUG FUNNIE,
WHAT'S YOURS?
LORETTA LAQUIGLEY.
YOU HAVE AN INTERESTING
LAST NAME, DOUG FUNNIE.
WHAT COUNTRY IS
YOUR FAMILY FROM?
I DON'T KNOW.
HERE, I GUESS.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
MY FAMILY IS
FROM YAKKESTONIA.
REALLY? WOW!
WE GO TO THE
FAMILY ESTATE
TO SKI WITH
MY AUNT MARLENE.
SHE'S A FAMOUS
ACTRESS--
MARLENE LAFLAMME?
HAVE YOU EVER
SKIED THERE?
WELL, NO, IS IT FUN?
YOU MUST COME
AND TRY IT.
IT'S NOT AS FAR
AS YOU'D THINK--
ESPECIALLY IN
AUNT MARLENE'S JET.
WHAT'S YOUR
FRIEND'S NAME?
THIS IS,
SKEETER.
OCEAN
PREEYOTTNA.
THAT MEANS "PLEASED
TO MEET YOU."
YAKKESTONESIAN IS
A MARVELOUS LANGUAGE.
I SPEAK I
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, GOT TO GO
DOVA STRETCHY!
DONUT RETCHY?
WOW, SHE'S PRETTY COOL,
HUH, SKEET?
SKEET?
[ swooning]
SKEET?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ moaning]
HEY, SKEETER,
SKEETER!
SO SKEETER FINALLY
HAD A CRUSH ON SOMEONE.
HE'D FALLEN
FOR LORETTA LAQUIGLEY-- HARD.
SKEETER HAS GONE KAPOOEY?
HE'S NOT MOVING!
THERE IS AN OLD
YAKKESTONESIAN
FOLK REMEDY FOR THIS.
HOLD HIS NOSE, PLEASE.
OCEAN PREEYOTTNA
TO YOU, TOO.
WHOA, WHERE'D SHE GO?
HEY, DOUG, ISN'
LORETTA THE GREATEST?
WELL, SEE YOU
IN CLASS.
[ honking]
WHAT IS HAPPENED TO HIM?
LORETTA LAQUIGLEY HAPPENED.
YES, I HAVE
MET HER--
THE GIRL WHO PRETENDS
TO SPEAK YAKKESTONESIAN.
WAIT A MINUTE
YOU MEAN SHE DOESN'
SPEAK YAKKESTONESIAN?
SHE CAN SAY,
"HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
I AM VERY RICH,"
A FEW OTHER THINGS
BUT THAT IS ALL.
WOW, COULD LORETTA
HAVE BEEN LYING TO US?
SO, MS. LAQUIGLEY
YOU SAY YOU SPEND A LO
OF TIME IN YAKKESTONIA.
YOU MUST PARLEZTHE
LINGO PRETTY SMOOTH?
YES, I DO.
AH, TIH PYOSH
TAZHMONNOOYOO ZHEEDKOST?
YES, I'D LOVE TO.
YOU JUST AGREED THA
YOU DRINK TRANSMISSION FLUID.
OH, I DIDN'
UNDERSTAND YOUR ACCENT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
ASKING ME TO DINNER.
OH, YEAH, SISTER?
IT JUST SO HAPPENS
FENTRUCK SAYS YOU DON'T SPEAK
YAKKESTONESIAN FOR BEANS.
YOU DON'T SPEAK
YAKKESTONESIAN FOR BEANS.
HE'S A LIAR!
HE'S JEALOUS OF MY RICH FAMILY!
ALWAYS HAS BEEN!
SMOOTH, REAL SMOOTH.
GIVE ME
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY I SHOULD BELIEVE
ANYTHING YOU SAY.
BECAUSE I'D NEVER THINK OF
LYING TO SOMEONE AS STRONG
AND HANDSOME AS YOU.
AND BESIDES YOUR BEST FRIEND
IS NUTS ABOUT ME.
SHE WAS A COOL ONE,
BUT THE MORE LORETTA TALKED
THE MORE I SUSPECTED
IT WAS ALL LIES.
IN YAKKESTONIA.
EVERYBODY RIDES HORSES
IN YAKKESTONIA.
TELL ME MORE.
OH, BROTHER.
MY FATHER EVEN
WROTE A NOVEL
ABOUT MY HORSE.
DID I TELL YOU MY
FATHER WAS A NOVELIST?
YEAH, A NOVELIS
AND A CHAMPION SURFER.
I THOUGHT HE WAS
A HORSE FARMER.
WE SURF IN ZEMBLA.
THEY HAVE
THE BIGGEST WAVES
BUT I'M SURE
YOU KNOW THAT.
SKEETER ATE IT UP!
WHO WANTS TO GO
TO A MOVIE?
I DO, I DO!
GREAT, IT STARS MY
AUNT, MARLENE LAFLAMME.
OH, SHOOT, I'VE
FORGOTTEN MY PURSE.
DON'T WORRY.
I'VE GOT MONEY.
YOU'RE SWEET, I'LL
PAY YOU BACK LATER.
LORETTA WAS TAKING SKEETER
FOR A RIDE
AND I COULD SEE JUST
WHERE IT WAS LEADING.
IT'S FABULOUS,
SENSATIONAL!
THESE WERE
MADE FOR YOU!
I LOVE THEM,
I'LL TAKE THEM.
OH, SKEETER, DARLING?
UH-HUH?
I REALLY LOVE THESE.
THE SKIS?
NO, SILLY,
THESE MOUNTAINS.
LORETTA,
AFTER THE MOVIE
THE CLOTHES,
THE RESTAURAN
I DON'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.
OH, OKAY, I GUESS
I CAN JUST GO SKIING
ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S MOUNTAIN.
OH, LORETTA,
DON'T CRY.
AND I WAS GOING TO
CALL IT MT. SKEETER.
IF I SOLD
EVERYTHING I OWN
AND GET MY PARENTS
TO SELL OUR HOUSE
AND GET A JOB ON
WEEKENDS OR SOMETHING
OH, SKEETER,
YOU'RE A SWEETIE!
OH, SUCH A SWEETIE,
OH, SUCH A CUTIE!
I TRIED TO THINK OF SOME WAY
I COULD STOP LORETTA FROM
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SKEETER.
Mr. Dink:
NICE WEATHER
TODAY, HUH?
Electronic Voice:
Lying, lying.
Mr. Dink:
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
IT WORKS!
NEW MACHINE,
MR. DINK?
THE TRUTH-O-MATIC INDUSTRIAL-
STRENGTH LIE DETECTOR.
I GOT A GREAT DEAL ON IT.
Lying, lying, lying,
lying, lying.
OKAY, SO I
WAS VERY EXPENSIVE.
DOUGLAS, YOU LOOK
PRETTY DOWN IN THE MOUTH.
ANYTHING YOU WAN
TO TALK ABOUT?
LET'S SAY YOU HAD A FRIEND
AND SOMEONE LIED
TO THIS FRIEND
AND YOUR FRIEND
BELIEVED IT.
I LIED ABOU
BEING CAPTAIN
OF MY HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL TEAM.
I WAS JUST THE
EQUIPMENT MANAGER.
WHAT?
OH, NO, MR. DINK,
IT'S OKAY.
I FORGIVE YOU, REALLY.
OH, OH, THANK
YOU, DOUGLAS.
I FEEL AS THOUGH
A BURDEN
HAS BEEN LIFTED
FROM ME.
I'LL NEVER LIE TO ANYONE
EVER, EVER AGAIN!
Lying, lying, lying, lying.
WOW, MR. DINK FELT SO GUILTY
ABOUT LYING TO ME
HE ADMITTED THE WHOLE THING.
MAYBE IF LORETTA
GOT CAUGHT IN A LIE
SHE'D ADMIT EVERYTHING
TO SKEETER.
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
SEE YOU GUYS.
[ sighing:]
YEAH SEE YOU.
MY MOTHER SAID
YOU SHOULD SEE
A LADY TO HER DOOR.
I'LL BE OKAY,
YOU GUYS GO ON.
MAYBE HER MANSION
IS MESSY.
DON'T BE A
CHUMP, VALENTINE.
[ grunting]
EXPLAIN THAT, MISS YAKKESTONIA!
OH, SKEETER,
HE'S RIGHT!
I'VE BEEN
LYING TO YOU!
I DON'T REALLY SPEAK
YAKKESTONESIAN.
I'M A A
CON ARTIST!
A CON ARTIST?
I MAKE BOYS FALL
IN LOVE WITH ME
AND THEN TAKE THEM
FOR ALL THEY'VE GOT!
I'LL JUST GO NOW.
OH, SHOOT.
I FORGOT MY PURSE.
DO YOU HAVE
MONEY FOR A TAXI?
TAKE A HIKE.
SO ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CORNER
LORETTA WHEN SHE'S WITH SKEETER
ON MONDAY AFTER SCHOOL.
[ phone rings]
HELLO?
JUST CALLING
TO SAY SO LONG.
SO LONG?
WHERE ARE YOU?
THE MALL, LORETTA IS JUS
BUYING A NEW SKI OUTFI
THEN IT'S DOVA STRETCHY,
BLUFFINGTON
HELLO, YAKKESTONIA!
Loretta:
WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THIS?
HOW MUCH IS IT?
YOU CAN'T GIVE HER ANY MONEY!
HER AUNT MARLENE
WILL PAY ME BACK.
SKEETER!
I'LL SEE YOU
WHEN I GET BACK.
I HAD TO GET TO THE MALL-- FAST!
WHOA!
[ crashing]
NO, SKEETER, STOP!
DOUG, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I CAN'T LE
YOU BUY THIS.
LORETTA IS NO
WHAT SHE SEEMS.
Loretta:
WHAT A SURPRISE.
IS SOMETHING UP?
YOU KNOW PERFECTLY
WELL WHAT'S UP!
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T WANT TO
HAVE TO DO THIS
BUT YOU'VE GIVEN
ME NO CHOICE.
I KNOW YOU'VE
BEEN LYING.
L-LYING, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU DON'
SPEAK YAKKESTONESIAN.
FENTRUCK SAID SO.
YOU DON'T?
WELL NO,
WELL, I MEAN
I JUST KNOW A FEW PHRASES
LIKE "HOW ARE YOU"
AND "I AM VERY RICH."
WHY WOULD YOU LIE
ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
IT'S JUST I REALLY
LIKE YOU, SKEETER
AND I WAS SCARED
YOU WOULDN'
THINK I WAS COOL.
WELL, I THINK
YOU'RE COOL ANYWAY.
YOU DO?
COURSE I DO!
YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
I BETTER PAY FOR
THESE SKI CLOTHES
SKEETER, WAKE UP!
THERE ISN'T GOING
TO BE ANY SKI TRIP!
IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF LIES!
BUT
THERE IS NO
AUNT MARLENE!
AUNT MARLENE!
AH, LORETTA, DARLING.
THERE YOU ARE.
IS THIS YOUR
LITTLE FRIEND?
HE'S CUTE!
WE'D BETTER
GET CRACKING.
I TOLD MY PILO
TO BE READY AT 4:00.
READY, SKEETER?
YEAH, LET'S GO!
BYE, DOUG!
SEE YOU,
DOUG.
[ honking]
SEE YOU.
DEAR JOURNAL, I LEARNED
AN IMPORTANT LESSON TODAY:
NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE TOO QUICKLY.
EVEN IF THEY DON'T
SPEAK YAKKESTONESIAN
THEY MIGHT BE SPEAKING THE TRUTH
ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'M MAKING A PROMISE
HERE AND NOW.
I'LL NEVER, EVER
JUDGE ANYBODY AGAIN.
Lying, lying, lying,
lying, lying.