Duckman (1994) s03e09 Episode Script

(whistles) (grunting) Hmm.
Just where Dad said it would be.
Oy, this could be dangerous.
I think I'll lean against this metal plate.
(Ajax screaming) Good work, Ajax! Keep holding her right there! Um Dad? We have something very important to talk to you about.
And I'd love to talk to you about it, beloved children.
It's just that right now there's a special I want to catch on A&E.
It's the monster truck wrestle death match! Darn! Cousteau's preempted again?! Duckman, your children are coming to you for advice.
Don't you know what that means? They're sick! They need therapy, now! But, Aunt Bernice, it's something Dad can help us with.
You see, we have women problems.
So you want to talk to (laughing) You actually want to (laughing) You mean (screeching laughter) Bray on, MacButt.
As it happens, your father will gladly share his worldly wisdom on the subject of the I'd-normally-say-fairer- except-I'm-in-the-same-room- as-your-Aunt-Bernice sex, but these pay-per-view events are on four times a day and I'm saving 39.
95 every time I watch-- pirated cable, no one's the wiser.
We have a code blue! Code blue in 897-b! Scramble! (all gasp, glass breaking) (explosion) (troops quick marching outside) So, what seems to be the trouble? It's Amanda.
And Alexis.
The most beautiful girls in the world! We think about them all the time.
We dream of being their boyfriends now in high school and maybe even going to college to matriculate with them.
Aah! That's for the idiotic, tasteless, puerile remark you were about to make.
What we're getting to, Dad, is Mom.
She was wonderful-- the most incredible woman ever, right? So we figured, who better to ask than you about winning the love of your life? Good point.
The idea that someone like you could get someone like her Uh, yeah, I see what you mean.
I mean, you, of all people! Yes, well You must know more than anybody about overcoming insurmountable, impossible, overwhelming odds to win I get the point! I would be pleased to tell you the tale of the greatest, purest love the world has ever known.
Well, got to run! Every time Duckman talks about marrying my sister, that's my cue to vomit till I pass out.
Ladies and gentlemen, Smell-Vis has left the building.
Okay, kiddles, settle in by my webs and let me take you back to the days when I was a carefree romantic roaming the glorious back roads of America.
Miserable, stinking, pot-holed, cow-pie- and-road-apple-covered flattened-animal-guts-everywhere you look back roads of America! Take one wrong turn and you end up in the middle of bumfu (screaming) (brakes squealing) (yells) (mooing) (thumping) (glass shattering) (gasps) (birds chirping) (deep, slow-motion voice): Are you all right? (deep, slow motion voice): Fine, fine.
Sorry about your cow.
CHARLES: Hey, Dad, can you speed this up a little? DUCKMAN: Oh, right.
Sorry.
(yells) I'm, uh I-I-I'm Duckman.
Wh-What's your name? I'm Beatrice.
I don't know where you're going, but it looks like you could use a lift.
Oh, really, I don't mind driving.
It's the least I can do after hitting your cow.
(chuckles) It's not like it was your fault.
It was just one of those one-in-a-million things that could never happen a (both screaming) (crashing) DUCKMAN: And then, kids, I did something I never did before with a woman-- something that took me to new levels of ecstasy.
Dad! Dad! I listened to her.
(relieved sighs) I'm actually not from Iowa.
I grew up in a place far away with a way of life that was so different even primitive.
(sighing): Sometimes I really miss North Dakota.
What brings you to Route Canal? A magazine sent me to photograph old, covered bridges.
'Course the only thing stupider than reading a book about covered bridges or seeing a movie about covered bridges is taking pictures of covered bridges, so I'm working on a little project of my own.
What? Nudie playing cards.
Classy-- not the cheap kind.
We are hoping to hold the price under a dollar.
Nudie playing cards? Yeah.
You know, big, busty women with diamonds and spades, and and heh-heh heh.
What an idiot I was, thinking I could talk about that to a woman like her.
Like the Farstreig deck? The '34? I was thinking '32.
His ten of clubs was a classic.
But how do you? Papa.
He taught Playing Cards and the Human Form at the local university.
In fact, you kind of remind me of him.
And that was it.
That was the moment I knew she was the one.
(yells) Oh! (laughing) Ooh, look! You, uh, thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh.
I can't believe it-- a story from Dad's past that didn't involve the phrase "morals charge.
" And one that actually taught us something.
Come on.
Let's go and win our true loves.
We were so in love, we didn't even mind when the Frog Society brought us up on that morals charge.
(gasping) There they are! (sighing) When did we first realize that Amanda and Alexis were the girls for us? Who can say? Maybe it was something they said, something they wore, the way they moved.
Um, hi.
I'm Mambo, and this is Charles.
And, um We think you're neat.
(groaning) (gasping) Hiya, sweetmeats! Excuse our dust, short and nerdy.
Yeah, we said we'd take you to the malt shop, and here we are.
(door kicked open) Thanks a lot, Dad.
Not only did your inspirational tale fail to win us the hearts of the girls we love, it led to our complete and total humiliation.
Now we're filled with self-pity, self-doubt and self-hatred.
Boys, welcome to adulthood.
Next stop-- car payments and flaccidity.
That's the last time we take romantic advice from a man who thinks Dickinson and Wadsworth are porno stars.
I'm sorry.
I'm not quite following you.
Anyway, if you let me continue my flashback, maybe you two could learn something yet.
The next few days with your mother seemed like Nine 1/2 Weeks.
Strawberries ice olives.
These sundry tastes and textures will lead to an erotic awakening.
(shuddering moan) (chuckles) (gulps) Oh, yeah! (gulps, teeth chattering) Oh, sweet Jesus! (orgasmic shivering) (slow waltz playing) BEATRICE: Step-- one, two.
Step-- one, two.
Step-- one, two.
See? This isn't so difficult.
You're very graceful, Duckman.
Very gentle.
Now it's time to teach you my kind of dance.
* You put your down down * * And thrust your pelvis, huh! * * And thrust your pelvis, huh! * * And thrust your pelvis, huh! * * And thrust your pelvis, huh * (gulps) Uh (gulps) I Well, uh in all my life, I've never felt this way towards another man.
Me, neither.
Well, maybe once, but I was a kid, and there was a lollipop in it for me.
Duckman, you're so alive.
I've never met anyone like you.
If you want me to stop, tell me now.
Make love to me, Duckman.
Wow! It's never been that good! Duckman, I'm ready.
Take me! DUCKMAN: That was the happiest time of my life until one day (burps) With each fall of the leaves, my love for you grows deeper and stronger, but there's something I must tell you.
Okay, okay.
From now on, I'll use neutralizer spray afterwards.
Hmm? Well, o-okay, but what I want to say is (car approaching) (gasps) Honey, I'm home.
Richard! My love, how I've missed you.
Hey! I didn't know you had a brother.
Richard's not my brother.
He's my No, no, no! Wait! Let me guess.
I love guessing.
Your pool guy? Your gardener? Your neighbor? Your very friendly cable repairman? Richard is my husband.
(whimpers) I'm sorry I'm a few days early, honey.
After our prize sow took the blue ribbon in the state fair, and I set it free because I can't bear seeing any living thing slaughtered.
I helped the Amish raise a few barns, taught some construction workers how to read and gave sponge baths to a nice group of lepers.
But through it all, I kept seeing your sweet face, Beatrice.
I had to come home early.
Your love is everything to me.
If anyone ever came between us, it would it would kill me.
It would just kill me.
Forgive my manners.
I'm Richard, Beatrice's loving husband, and you are? Uh I'm-I'm, uh Well, y-you know.
Uh (quietly): I'm-I'm nobody.
Good-bye.
You mean she was married? Yup.
I was squeezing the melons in the forbidden fruit section, dropping coins in somebody else's meter, burying my bone in the neighbor's backyard, plowing MAMBO: Okay, okay.
So what'd you do? (quickly): Plowing the wrong field.
Heh-heh.
Then I set off wandering again.
I was just another broken heart in the Heartland.
But as the weeks went by, I realized Beatrice's love was the only thing that could make me whole again, and that Richard was just a hurdle, a stumbling block, one of those electric fences around a girls' dormitory.
In short-- an obstacle that I'd have to overcome.
As I walked back, I practiced how I was going to tell Richard that I was in love with his wife.
I wanted to break the news to him delicately.
Duckman, what a wonderful surprise.
Richard, I'm in love with your wife.
In fact, I have been since the first moment I laid eyes on her.
I'm sorry, Richard, but my love for Beatrice is like the strong prairie winds, which blow unchecked by man or beast, the mighty oak that grows stronger with each passing rain, the snow-capped peaks that tower above all else since time immemorial.
Duckman, your eloquence has moved me.
I'll leave.
CHARLES: Dad, are you sure that's the way it happened? DUCKMAN: Well I may have changed a few details.
Duckman, what a wonderful surprise.
Richard, I'm in love with your wife.
(groaning) Oh! Huh he did say it would kill him.
Don't die! You can't die! I loved Beatrice even before I slept with her.
My heart! (gasping) Wait, damn you! I haven't finished! I rehearsed and everything.
Come on.
It's not like we used your bed.
Just your floor, dining room table, workbench, hayloft (groaning) Wait! No! I got to share this with someone! Clear! (screams) She said I was the best she ever had! (raspy gasping) What? The coroner ruled it was natural causes, but for an extra ten bucks, he also ruled I had died in '68.
(chuckling) Eight years of parking violations, good-bye.
So the lesson here-- if we ignore all the criminal and inhumane elements-- is that we can succeed by confronting and thereby overcoming our obstacles.
Hey.
You have your spin and I have mine.
Me, if you're going to have an affair, make sure her husband has a heart condition.
(gasping): There they are, Mambo.
The Holy Grails of womanhood.
Be still, our heart.
And there they are.
Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber.
Come on.
It's time to confront our obstacles and overcome them just like Dad.
Hey, McGarrigles.
We've got something to say to you.
We're in love with your girlfriends.
They didn't die.
What do we do now? (groaning and yelling) Don't say a word.
I understand perfectly.
You're at an age where you're curious about alternative lifestyles, but I'd go easy on the pastel shadows.
Blend if you're going to rev up the Revlon.
I've got some light Egyptian foundation you might like.
Maybe tawny bronze.
You're autumns, right? Dad, this isn't makeup.
Oh.
(chuckles) Yeah, right.
We took your advice, Dad, and we got beat up.
How do we deal with the girls now? Easy.
Left hook to the ribs, followed by a stiff upper cut.
Women have no answer for a solid No, Dad.
The McGarrigle twins beat us up.
So what? I've been beaten up so many times, some people think it's affected my memory.
Yeah, what was my point? Oh, yeah.
Never give up.
You got to keep trying.
Easy for you to say.
Putting aside Judeo-Christian morality as you've apparently done your whole life.
Richard's death solved your whole problem, right? Far from it.
It was at Richard's funeral that my problems began.
I had to see her one more time, but I knew I couldn't see her there.
I felt Richard deserved his privacy and dignity.
(gasps) Ohh! D-ohh! I went back to the creek where we both fell in that first, fateful day, figuring she'd go there after the funeral.
I waited and waited.
But she obviously wasn't coming.
I knew she'd have to leave Route Canal, maybe even the country.
Still, I was determined to see her again.
The question was: Where could she be? Geez, Louise, it's hotter than that Thai food Beatrice likes so much Thai food.
I know where she is! Do you speak English? I'm looking for this woman! Damn.
Wait.
Beatrice mentioned how much she liked Russian dressing.
Do you speak English? I'm looking for this woman! Damn! Wait.
I know.
Beatrice liked the Spanish fly I slipped her.
My only leads were things I remembered she loved-- Swiss Miss, prune Danish, turkey sandwiches, French kissing, Michael Jordan, scotch.
I hit rock bottom when I couldn't find a country with the initials "K.
Y.
" I finally ended up in a savage, festering, scum-soaked cesspool of filth and misery where the living envied the dead.
Excuse me.
I'm looking Ah, it's no use.
I've searched so long and still can't find her.
I wonder if there are people who search for a living.
(people applauding and cheering) I'm just a baggage handler, but I am going to the Barbizon Detective College at night.
Maybe I could Hey, buddy, stick a valise in it.
I tried the boot country and the mitten-shaped one and the one that looks kind of like an anvil Did you look in her house? Butt out, you Samsonite Delilah! I just realized I never looked in her house.
He-He-Hey, deducing is fun.
If you like deducing, maybe you should become a detective.
Cripes! Shut your hole! I'm just a flat-broke detective wanna-be.
How am I going to get to Iowa? I moonlight driving a big rig to Iowa.
Want a ride? If you yammer, you walk.
Fair enough.
Here you go, mister Hey, I said dummy up! Duckman, you're back! I've been looking everywhere for you.
Where'd you go? Go? Well, the funeral ended at and I went straight to the bridge by the creek where we both fell in.
I just had a feeling you'd be there.
Dumb, huh? Well (chuckles) I forgive you.
I loved Richard, but I was neverinlove with him.
After he died so mysteriously I should've looked for you, but your spirit is so free.
I didn't want to tame the wild animal that is you.
It would be wrong of me to restrain you, cage you, tie you down.
BOTH: I pay big money for that back home.
(both share a laugh) Oh, Beatrice, everywhere I went, I I played this moment a million times in my head, imagining what it would feel like when I finally found you, but now that I have, I I never thought it would feel like this.
Why? What does it feel like? Home.
Well, I can see what you've been doing while I was gone.
(chuckles) You know, "all you can eat" is not a challenge.
I mean, even a train stops sometimes.
No, silly.
I'm having a baby.
Our baby.
Our son.
A son? What should we name him? I've always liked the name "Hef.
" If it's okay, I'd like to name him after the thing that brought the most happiness into my life.
(horn honks twice) (sniffles) Well, that's the way it happened.
Now's the part where you make some smart remark about how dumb I am, and I get insulted by your aunt and then take it out on other unsuspecting people by ranting at them for no reason.
Whoa, Dod.
We love you, Dad.
You're the best.
Thanks, guys.
I sure love you, too.
And we're not going to quit until we have a date with Amanda and Alexis.
Go get 'em.
(door opens, then closes) Okay, getting heavy, son.
Charles, Mambo! Oh, we expected The McGarrigles? I'm afraid Immigration finally deported those illegal aliens back to Albania.
But the McGarrigles aren't Albanian.
Must be computer error, eh, Chaz? Could take years to work out.
Anyway, uh I really like you, Amanda, and, well, would you go out with me tonight? And, Alexis, I think you're great.
Would you go out with me tonight? We'd love to! We'd love to! Our dad says when you have feelings for someone, never give up.
ALEXIS: He must be smart, huh? When it comes to love, he's the smartest man we know.
CHARLES: The Holy Grails of womanhood.