Empty Nest (1988) s03e09 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Carol said we could use her scale to weigh dreyfuss.
Come on, boy.
Come on! Okay, first you get on alone.
What does it say? I can't tell.
After 115, Carol's written a bunch of big black letters that say, "fat, fat, pig, pig, fat, fat, fat.
" Let me see.
165.
Okay, now, pick him up And get back on.
Now what does it say? "Good-bye, cruel world".
So what's the verdict? - Hi, girls, Charley.
- Harry.
Daddy, it's official, we have to get dreyfuss on a diet effective immediately.
Oh, come on.
I don't know that dreyfuss has got to go on a diet.
He's just Ooh, he's fat, isn't he? Well, of course he is, with you and Barbara leaving him those plates of table scraps outside.
Those were for him? From now on, no more snacks or dog biscuits.
Dog biscuits? We're gonna turn dreyfuss into a lean, mean fighting machine.
"Add water, makes its own on gravy" Oh, yuck! I think I'm gonna be sick.
I think I'd better take a long walk.
Oh, my god.
Barbara, are you eating at home tonight? - I can't.
I have plans.
- With Hank? Maybe.
I mean, they are not real plans.
They're "I hope he calls" plans.
Barbara, don't you think it would be nice if occasionally Hank would make a date with you ahead of time? Well, he's real busy.
When he has time to call, he calls.
When he doesn't, he doesn't.
It's no big deal.
That's him! Barbara, no.
It's always important to play hard to get.
Now, just let it ring a few times.
Carol, it could be for you.
Hello? One moment, please.
It's Hank.
Daddy, want to go to a movie? I thought you had a date.
No, I only told you that this morning so you'd make your own plans and not feel sorry for me.
But now it's getting dark outside And I'm feeling lonely and vulnerable Like my entire soul has become an open wound.
So do you want to go to a movie? Sounds like fun, dear.
Oh, oh, oh, poor dreyf! Those mean girls put you on a diet.
Nobody gives you snacks anymore Let me tell you something about diets, my friend.
Everybody cheats on them.
Of course, it's hard if you're a dog.
I mean, if you see a dog at the grocery store with a bag of caramels, people get pretty suspicious.
No, if you're a dog, you have to wait until somebody Drops something.
Oops! Oh, oh, Barbara's home! Now we can get a good look at this this Hank guy.
Oh, things are looking up.
This one's got a car.
You know, remember Vic with the motorcycle? Now, you can't blame me for worrying about him.
I mean, I don't think there's a father on the planet who wants to begin his Saturday night hearing the words, "where's my old lady? The hog is double-parked.
" A suit.
We haven't seen a suit around here in a very long time.
Oh, dreyf, maybe we'll like this one, I mean, maybe Maybe he'll have a good job and manners and You know, maybe he and Barbara settle down and Great.
Listen to me.
A guy comes to my house without a snake around his neck, and I'm willing to give him my daughter.
All right, okay, okay, okay, we've been through this before.
We'll we'll just check out this one the way we checked out all the others.
We'll be subtle but thorough.
Hi, there.
You must be Want to be alone! Uh, sorry.
Come in.
Daddy, I'm glad you're up.
I want you to meet Hank.
Well, how do you do? It's very nice My daughter speaks very highly of you.
Well, she's told me a lot about you.
Yeah, fine.
Good.
Great.
What do you do for a living? Daddy, Hank doesn't really have a job.
Uh-huh.
He owns several companies, and other people run them.
Oh-ho, oh-ho, oh-ho, all right.
That's a good man.
Oh, come on, now.
Oh, that must give you a lot of extra time on your hands.
What do you like to do with your free time? Like to go to the racetrack? Well, once I - And poker and lotto? - No.
- You drink? - Daddy Why don't we just get right to the point here? Have you ever killed a man just to watch him die? All right, all right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
So Have you? All right, god, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You guys have a good time tonight? Where did you go? My apartment.
I'm afraid after a long day, I don't feel much like going out, so we went to the movie, rated pg.
We got some Mexican take-out, mild sauce.
And we sat on the couch Opposite ends.
Good, real good.
- Anyway, I should run.
- But you're coming Saturday? I asked Hank if he'd like to have dinner with us.
I'm cooking.
Honey, you know weekends are tough for me.
I may have to go out of town, but I will try.
Okay? Nice to meet you, doctor.
Oh, my pleasure.
See you soon.
Bye.
You're falling in love with this man.
How can you tell? I can't think of any other reason you'd make us eat your cooking.
Daddy You know, daddy, every time I've come close to this feeling, it scared me.
But this time is so different.
There's no drama, no craziness.
It's just somebody wonderful to be with.
It's hard to believe he did hard time at leavenworth.
- Boy, what - Gotcha! Very funny, dear.
Well, your laryngitis should clear up in a few days, pal.
What do you say to the doctor, Elliot? About 50 dollars, but your insurance should cover most of it.
- Hey, yeah.
Bye.
- Bye, bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye, bye-bye.
Well, that's it for the day.
Hey, that Hank fella's coming over to your house tomorrow night for dinner, isn't he? Yeah.
Well, now, don't start up with that attitude.
What attitude? That "no one is good enough for my daughters" attitude.
You keep it up, and you're gonna attitude yourself into livin' with those two nutcases for the rest of your life.
Laverne, what did you just call my daughters? Oh, I'm sorry.
They're normal.
One rides a battering ram to work, and the other one just called up here hysterical.
Seems she found a gray hair on her toe.
Never mind her.
It's the younger nutcase I'm worried about.
There's something bothering me about this guy.
I have a feeling.
It's a deep down and a hard gut feeling, and I've only had this feeling twice before in my entire life.
I remember, and you were wrong both times.
Precisely, which is why this time statistically I've got to be right.
Now, face it When it comes to your daughters, you're too protective, and you're always wrong.
You know, Laverne, if I were in your position, I would agree with my employer a little more often.
Wrong again.
And that's exactly the kind of thinking that has held you back from bein' in my position.
All right, you poor little Barbie Barb, here I am.
Now, you've been very brave not asking for any help with this dinner for Hank, but Carol's here now.
I don't need any help.
Barbara, you shouldn't be ashamed that you can't cook.
You have other talents.
Carol, I'm doing fine here.
You're good at your job.
You're very athletic.
Everyone likes you.
Men like you.
Men think you're adorable.
They're drawn to you.
Every time they see you, they want to hold you and take care of you.
Oh, cook your own damn dinner.
Poor dreyf, this diet must be terrible.
I think you should be able to eat whatever you want as long as you're willing to work it off.
So you know what? I'm gonna give you some of this if you're willing to go for a long run in the park tomorrow.
How about a long walk in the park? Would you be willing to drive over and look at the park? Deal.
That's him.
- Hank? - No, dear, it's not Hank, but look, uh Look what just arrived for you.
Flowers and champagne.
The man who's coming to dinner sent you flowers and champagne before he arrived.
God, my head is just splitting.
"Called out of town "and hoping this will make up for my absence tonight.
I'll miss having dinner with all of you, Hank.
" - Sorry, dear.
- Oh, poor Barbara.
You've been stood up.
It's okay.
We should have done this during the week.
He always goes out of town on the weekends.
This doesn't even bother her.
She takes all the fun out of false sympathy.
I think I know what it is.
What what is? What's bothering me about this Hank.
Think about this for a second, dear.
The man makes a lot of money, but lives in an apartment.
They never go out in public.
He doesn't make plans ahead of time, and he can never seem to get free for the weekends.
Huh? Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don't know.
Are you thinking "If I don't find a boyfriend soon, I'm going off a cliff"? No.
I'm thinking That this man your sister's dating Is married.
Ah, you're home, good.
Barbara Please, I need to talk to you.
Am I in trouble? Barbara, don't be silly.
You're 28 years old now.
You're an adult.
There's nothing to worry about.
Yeah, you're right.
Barbara's gonna get it come on, dreyfuss, forget your diet.
It's time for junk food.
Is something wrong? I think so, uh, yeah.
All right, I know what you're gonna say.
And let me just tell you that, yes The birth-control pills you found are mine, but I only use them for my complexion.
Barbara, I didn't find any birth-control pills.
Dear, please, this is about something else.
The playgirl magazine? It was a joke gift.
And the dog-eared pages were an accident.
Barbara, please, stop.
What I want to talk to you about, sweetheart, is Hank.
Something's wrong with Hank? Well, no, I I don't know.
There might be.
I'm not sure, dear.
Look, I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think there's a chance that Hank Is married.
Barbara? You are just unbelievable.
Here we go.
Barbara, wait! Daddy, don't you think this is getting a little crazy? I mean, no matter who I bring home, you find something wrong with them.
They're not good enough.
They're not kind enough, generous enough.
Who is it you expect me to go out with Santa claus? Well, no, dear, I'm afraid he's married too.
He's not married! Of course he is, dear! Mrs.
claus! I'm talking about Hank.
I mean, this is just perfect.
I finally found someone I'm proud of enough to introduce you to, and you come up with this garbage.
Look, just ask yourself, why don't I see him on weekends? Why don't we go out in public? And please try to remember, dear, I only want what is best for you.
No, daddy, I used to think that.
And now I think you want what's best for you.
As long as Carol and I don't move out and find someone, you don't have to be alone.
Did Barbara call? Yes, but she didn't have much time.
She called from a patrol car while they were chasing someone.
She said, and I quote, "tell him to stop calling me.
I don't want to talk to him.
Pull over or die, scum.
Got to go.
Bye.
" Do you think what Barbara said is true, Laverne? Do you think I'm afraid of the girls leaving? Well, I think there's a part of you that wants them to be happy and a part of you that wants them to stay at home and a part of you that's sloppy, disorganized, and always late.
I'm sorry.
That just slipped out.
Oh, she is furious with me.
It's the same idiotic fight we always have.
She thinks I'm too protective.
I think she's a little too sensitive.
I mean, I fully recognize the fact that she's an adult.
Well, all I know is you are a whole lot easier about this datin' business than my pa was.
He really put my dates through a obstacle course.
Gave them the third degree, huh? Didn't you hear me? He put them through an obstacle course.
After crawlin' under that barbed wire and dodgin' all them bullets, they weren't much in the mood for sparkin'.
Laverne, that's not true.
All right, all right, rain on my folksy parade.
A big part of me says, "I've done all I can do for Barbara.
Now let's just let it all blow over.
" But that's not my job.
Whenever I asked my father to lighten up, he'd say, "I'm not your friend.
I'm your father.
" Well, I know my pa used to say Never mind.
You gonna kill it anyway.
- Daddy.
- Carol, what am I gonna do? I'm really concerned about your sister.
Daddy, I can't believe you're still obsessed with this "Barbara and the married man" thing.
What about me? What about my problem? I don't know.
What What problem is that, dear? I think my ankles are chunking up.
Honey Hi, Carol.
Father.
Uh, baby, come on, I think maybe we should talk.
Oh, daddy, excuse me! Daddy, we don't really need to talk, because for your information, Hank is taking me out in public tonight and then again on the weekend.
So you're totally wrong about him being married.
Well, aren't you gonna say you're sorry? Honey, I can't get past this feeling that this man is taking advantage of you.
I don't believe this.
What if I found something wrong with every woman you've ever been out with? It's true, daddy.
She didn't even spot the bad nose job on the last one.
- I still say that was real.
- It was not.
- What about the bump? - Just to throw us off track.
Girls, please! Well, I have to be at Hank's at 8:00.
He's taking me to a restaurant called Rafael's.
I know that place Very dark, on the very edge of town.
They might as well have a discount for married men.
Daddy, will you just give it up? Well, daddy, one thing's pretty clear.
- What? - I'm your favorite now.
Coming! Is that you, sweet cheeks? Uh, sorry.
It's sweet cheeks' father.
Oh, doctor Weston, I thought it was that's fine.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I understand.
May I, uh may I come in? Yeah, sure.
Uh, I'll only stay a minute.
My daughter Barbara That's what we call her at home Uh, well, she'll be furious if she knew I were here.
I don't know if she's ever been mad at you, but oh-ho-ho, what a temper.
Oh, yeah, you ever tried to talk to her about quitting the police department? I don't know i think she gets her temper from her mother.
God, could that woman fight.
Does your wife have a temper? Oh, yeah, she How did you know I was married? I didn't until just now.
Doctor Weston, I can explain.
Oh, great.
That's that's a big relief, because I was afraid you might not have a good reason for hurting all these people Your wife, my Barbara.
Look, this isn't as bad as it seems.
I really am fond of your daughter.
You're fond of her? You're fond of my daughter? Pay attention to me, pal.
If you don't get out of her life immediately, I guarantee you I'm gonna become a big part of yours.
Yes, sir.
As soon as she gets here, I'll tell her I'm married.
It's okay.
You don't have to.
Come on, blow.
Stop being so nice to me.
I'm still mad at you.
I hate everybody You for butting in, me for not listening, him for being married, and you Just 'cause that's, like, our normal thing.
Right.
I can't believe how incredibly stupid I am.
I'm supposed to be a detective.
How could I not know this? When you're in love, you'll believe anything.
I stayed married to a man for three years who slept with my maid of honor on our wedding night.
He convinced me it was part of the "something borrowed, something blue" tradition.
I cannot tell you how long it took me to get over that.
I think I'm gonna go call him and hang up.
Oh, daddy, I'm so confused right now.
I mean, usually I just have one feeling at a time You know, happy, or sad.
Or yesterday I wore that wool sweater, so I felt, like, itchy.
But now I have all these feelings happening at the same time.
Honey, it is confusing.
You know what I like to do in these situations? Just stop and ask myself, what lesson have we learned from all of this? - A big one.
- You bet.
You've learned your old dad has a lot more to teach you and that you want to pay a little more attention to his advice in the future.
What are you talking about? That's not the lesson.
The lesson is you have to stop butting into my life, because I'm an adult now, and I can handle my own problems.
Honey, that's nuts.
I'm your father.
I'm not about to stay out of your life.
Oh, I'm not about to listen to your advice.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Stop here.
Something's wrong.
I-I don't think we've learned anything.
Nope, zip.
I thought for sure there was a lesson in all this.
Guess not.
Well, good night, daddy.
Good night, dear.
No lesson? There's always a lesson.
Maybe it has something to do with sharing.
No, that doesn't apply here.
Come on, give me another piece of beef.
Dreyfuss deserves it.
He's been on this real strict diet all week.
Yeah, I don't know how he went so long with so little food.
It must have taken a lot of willpower.
Come on, now he gets his reward look at this feast.
Come on, where is dreyfuss, anyway? - Dreyfuss! - Dreyfuss! Dreyf, come on, you skinny little thing, get in here! Uh-oh.
Dreyf! Come on, come in! Dreyf, come on! What's wrong? The skinny little thing is stuck.