Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e09 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 9
Amber, it's over! It's got nothing to do with Tanya Turner and everything to do with you! Clear your slate, Kyle.
You owe me 900K and I don't like IOUs.
I'm sorting it.
- So I'm gay, so what? - Listen, shit for brains! Gays just don't make footballers.
- That's out of order.
- That's the truth! Look, we are celebrities now.
Stars.
Shit, Tanya, I want you.
Oh, my God! Don't piss me about cos I don't want to get dark with you.
- I said I'll pay you.
- How? Cos you just run out of credits.
What? Didn't you know she was pregnant? (Radio DJ) 'And now over to Jonathan for our latest sports update.
' 'lt's a big day for Earls Park.
'They may have missed out on the title but Europe's still firmly in their sights.
'This is crunch time.
With the small matter of £20 million in television rights 'riding on this game, they really can't afford to lose it.
'Let's hope the boys maintain the form 'we witnessed in the second half of the season.
'I'm sure everyone will welcome the return of striker Kyle Pascoe.
' (Shower running) (Water stops) - This is my personal space.
- I was only bringing you breakfast.
I drove to the deli to get it for you.
San Daniele ham and melon, just like you always eat in Italy.
I had a dream last night that we were back in Enzo's.
By the canal.
Do you remember? People, they couldn't stop staring at us.
We had it all back then, didn't we? - Italy was a long time ago.
- Not for me.
Can we cut the memory lane stuff, cos what I'm remembering isn't so rosy.
How can you forget, especially now I'm carrying your baby? Don't you care? - That's why you're here.
- Maybe you need to think about me, too.
I need a reason to carry this thing around for nine months.
Drop the emotional blackmail.
I want this baby but don't use it to screw up my relationship with Tanya.
Oh! That woman! She's a devil! I could kill her! Calm down.
You and Tanya have to find a way to get on together.
- Never.
- I'll look after you.
I promise.
But not everything's going to be on your terms.
OK? Is it me or is something missing? Well, the odd car or two.
Or four.
I'll be he's having them valeted.
Honestly, one speck of dust.
I can't see what's wrong with a bucket and sponge myself.
Where are they? Hello, love.
- All right, Mum.
- All right.
- Hello, darling.
- So much for sightseeing.
- Hello.
- You all right? That's the last time you go away without me.
I didn't know what to do.
Christ, you're both soppy.
She never stopped talking about you.
Are all the cars being valeted? Er not exactly, no.
Some bastard stole the lot of 'em.
You must be joking.
When? Last night.
I didn't hear a thing.
Well, how did they get all four? The erm The police reckon that er it was an organised gang.
You know, must have lifted them all onto a truck.
They reckon there's a lot of thefts at the minute.
As if we haven't been through enough.
Hey, we can get it back on the insurance.
Have you asked for a claims form? No, not yet.
I've got enough to think about.
You get a crime reference number? I'll call 'em.
Can we just leave it till after the game? I don't even know where I wrote it down.
Yeah, of course, love.
Don't think about that right now.
Relax.
It's only lumps of metal.
Yeah.
(Distant shouting) They're out there again.
The whole bloody pack.
By this time next week, it's going to be old news.
You're kidding.
As far as my manager's concerned, I've shafted the team.
It's only football.
Score a couple of goals and nobody's going to care who you have sex with.
You don't get it, do you? The fans want their goals scored by their own kind.
It's bad enough me being black and if they know that I'm not even straight Shit.
They can't sack me for it, though, can they? What else can I do with one crappy GCSE in geography that gets paid 15 grand a week that I love and I'm shit-hot at? I've just got to hang in there, don't I? Alexander ain't down here.
No.
He's on the bench.
This is a joke, right? Last week you told me he was playing out of his skin.
No, cos we've got Gates and Pascoe up front.
Fry's in the hole and Lawson's on the left.
There's no room for Alexander.
It's a new formation.
Oh, cut the crap, Rog.
This ain't about formation.
So you're an expert on tactics now? That's funny.
I thought that was my job.
Your job is to play the best team.
- That includes Alexander.
- All right, Hazel.
Let me explain how this works in the real world.
United get their hard men into him from the start.
Makes them look like heroes in front of their fans.
Alexander goes down.
Our players react.
The ref gets involved.
Red cards, kiss goodbye to Europe.
You want to fight a cause, pick another charity.
This is it, darling.
This is what you've worked so hard for.
- Well, let's hope I'm up to it.
- Of course you are.
I don't go for losers.
Come on, love.
We'll have the bubbly waiting.
- Bye.
- See you.
Right, well, we'd better get these cars sorted.
You think? There can't be many Kyle Pascoes who've lost half a million quids' worth of cars.
Take it from me.
If you want something doing, you'd better do it yourself.
Everything's always tomorrow with Kyle.
- You look amazing, Shannon.
- You never said that before.
- Haven't I always told you that? - But not what you just said.
Amazing.
Well, I should have.
You know, for the first time in me whole life I feel like I'm good enough for you.
Crap.
You've always been good enough.
It's the truth.
I don't want it going to your head - but you've got a lot going for you.
- Yeah? If you think I'm going to read out a list, you can forget it.
Look at us, eh? I'm off to t'biggest game of t'season.
All us mates will be watching back home.
Me mum'd be green as peas if she knew I was having lunch with Tanya Turner.
Well, after we're going clubbing.
I haven't had a since since t'wedding.
I'll make up for it tonight, win or lose.
- I'll give you a wave at t'final whistle.
- You better.
No.
I'm not being funny.
My son reported all of this.
Well, are you sure? Look, can you just check again, please? The police don't know anything about it.
Hello? Right.
Well, then, I'd like to report it now, please.
We've had four cars stolen.
I'd appreciate it if someone could get round here.
Thank you.
I could swing for him sometimes.
What's it like to be back, Kyle? Will this be your last season at the club? (Reporters shouting questions) Conrad, how's Amber? Is it true she tried to kill herself? Is it true, Conrad? Just a few words for the readers.
I'm sure your fans will want to know, Conrad.
Did she try to top herself? I was beginning to think you'd gone back to Italy.
Christ, I missed you.
Oh, God.
Why didn't you call me? I've been going out of my mind knowing you're shacked up with that nutcase.
Nothing's happened, has it? She hasn't tried to top herself again? It's all games.
She knows exactly how to play you, which is why you've got to get her out of your place, or she'll do your head in.
Tanya, we're gonna have a baby.
Hang on.
There's a lot I want to do with you before my ankles swell and my waist disappears.
Not us.
Amber.
- She's pregnant.
- Eh? I think you heard.
But it's another lie, like the kidnap.
She'll do anything to try and keep you.
This is one thing she can't lie about.
How do you know it's yours? The amount of bloody threesomes she's had.
- It's mine.
- Well, then, get her to a bloody clinic.
Please tell me she's not keeping it.
Tanya, this is my first child.
So you just pretend the last few months didn't happen? I don't want Amber.
I want you.
But this changes things.
I can't just kick her out.
I am not sharing you with that frigging crackpot.
No way.
You can't do this to me, Conrad.
(Roger) Hey, er, Gates, sorry to disturb you.
Small matter of a premiership football match.
Come on.
Move it.
Now.
Bloody hell, Lawson, your missus.
Whoa-hoy! Get them out my face.
(Scouse accent) Since me boob jobs, we've been at it like rabbits.
Tell you what, Ray, talk about my wife like that again and I'll deck you.
(All) Whoa! - Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, in case you've forgotten, we've got the match of our lives this afternoon.
And if that's not motivation enough, there's a £50,000 bonus for every man on the pitch.
(Cheering) One small condition, though, we do actually have to win the game first.
What about for scoring? You score a goal? No wonder this game's going out of business.
You score a goal and Hazel will double your bonus.
£100,000.
That's right, yeah.
I get the smallest hint of selfishness on the ball, you're off the pitch, OK? - I said OK! - (All) Yeah! The cars will be out the country by now.
Stolen to order most likely.
- I'd guess Eastern Europe.
- So no chance of finding them? We'll circulate the details, but in the meantime I suggest you beef up security and contact your insurers.
OK.
All right.
Well, thanks, Officer.
They don't hold out much hope.
I've got a crime reference number, though.
I suppose he can kiss goodbye to his no-claims bonus.
Think he can afford it? Anyway, look, I've got to dash.
The pre-match lunch.
That's fine, love.
I'll drop Paddy off and meet you at the ground.
OK, then.
Oh, by the way, watch out for the claws.
And I don't mean the ones in the crab salad.
(Snorts) I guess it serves us right for being flash bastards.
I'll get Kyle to sort me out with a second-hand Lada next time.
- No one'll nick that.
- Don't bank on it, darling.
You can make a Lada look like a Lamborghini.
Forget about getting another motor.
Take cabs, drink what you want, claim it back on the tax.
I don't drink much.
I've seen you guys hoovering it up.
Oh, great, H, just what we need.
Someone counting the glasses.
As far as I'm concerned, a bottle is the new glass.
Where the bloody hell's Shannon? I told her 12:30.
Somewhere providing centrefolds for the one-handed readership.
(Cackles) Just one more, Shannon.
Come on.
Yeah.
That's it, darling.
- Lovely.
- Where did you say these were going? - The highest bidder, love.
- As long as they make front page.
You haven't got the time, have you, mate? - Half past.
- Friggin' shit! Thanks, babe.
Just do a check on a red Ferrari, 385 KYL.
Performance Cars on the high street.
- Hiya.
- Nice of you to join us eventually.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to do a bit of press.
Can't shake them off.
Try wearing some clothes, darling.
That might help.
(Tanya) All men are ruled by their dicks.
My Conrad has picked up some nasty habits from that bloody harpy of a wife.
I'm telling you, he's in strict need of re-house-training.
Same as Kyle.
They couldn't exist if we weren't there wiping up after them.
You think they're hard to handle? Try keeping their manager to heel.
My Harley's not changed a bit since he joined the Sparks.
But you've changed enough for two, Shannon.
Give him time.
His knuckles'll be scraping the ground with the rest of 'em.
Harley's the same as he always was.
Just dead normal.
Yeah.
And he's never going to have an affair.
That's right.
He's never.
He's not like that Conrad Gates.
Er anyone up for a second? - I think you'll find that's the third.
- I'm up for a fourth.
I thought I'd find you all here.
Excellent.
I'm in the mood for celebrating.
- I'll get you a glass.
- Ooh, no, Shannon.
I don't think so, not in my condition.
Oh, didn't Tanya tell you? I'm pregnant.
Conrad's baby.
These guys are tricky up front.
A couple of good heavy challenges early on should quieten them down a bit.
Their centre half's good in the air but he turns like an oil tanker.
So you should whip him for pace.
Hey, Pascoe, are you interested in who we're up against today? This is the defence you've got to break down, yeah? - Sorry, boss.
- All right, I think we've seen enough.
You ladies can get tarted up for the game now.
Boss, why am I on the bench? - Your focus is all wrong, Alexander.
- My focus? I've never been more focused in my life.
Look, son, I want this match on the back page of tomorrow's newspapers, not the front page.
I've got this club to think about.
- You'll still get your wages.
- I don't care about the money.
I want to play.
Unfortunately, my job is a bit harder than giving players what they want.
Let me see.
I think I'll have the sardines as a main.
I've had such a craving for sardines.
It must be the baby.
I suddenly lost my appetite.
Well, Amber, you must be thrilled.
Having a baby right in the nick of time.
I mean, you couldn't have left it much longer at your age.
Don't you know, Tanya? A baby makes you feel young again.
And I feel absolutely fantastic.
That's good cos I wouldn't want to wake up to you retching into the loo.
Sorry.
Oh, I thought Conrad might have discussed it with you.
I'm moving in tomorrow.
Over my dead body you are.
And Conrad wouldn't do that to me.
He already has, love, but if it's any consolation, you're not my first choice of house mate.
It's a bit like Big Brother, this.
Does the winner get Conrad? Rather you than me, girls.
I couldn't share my man.
So is it going to be all threesomes and stuff, cos our Harley was saying that he heard that your your Conrad was into all that? Just pick yourself a nice room at the end of the house.
I'd hate for me and Conrad to keep you awake.
Oh, for crying out loud, I've got the log book to prove it.
Then you won't mind if I take a little look then, will you, sir? OK, girls, it's show time.
Let's hit it.
- Well, I'll drive myself.
- And who invited you? In case you've forgotten, I'm the one with the marriage certificate.
I don't think they're going to stop the captain's wife at the door.
Laters.
Pascoe, come out here now.
(Players) Woo! Boss? (Man) Mr Pascoe? We were called to investigate a case of motor vehicle theft at your property.
I never called you.
A Ms Jackie Pascoe reported the incident.
She's filed an insurance claim.
The thing is, sir, we've recovered the vehicles and they weren't stolen, they were sold.
Do you know anything about this, sir? No.
No, nothing at all.
Then your mother's guilty of fraud and deception.
Between me and you, I've run into some money problems.
I sold the cars to clear a gambling debt.
The problem is, sir, two of them weren't yours to sell.
Give me a break.
It was me who bought the cars for them.
That's right.
Then you stole 'em.
Jesus, I'll buy 'em both another car.
A crime's been committed and a lot of police time's been wasted.
I've got 40,000 fans out there waiting to see me play a game of football.
You're accusing me of things I haven't even done.
Come down the station.
Piss off.
What? I asked him to accompany me to the station.
- What, now? Don't be daft.
- He's refusing to cooperate.
Do you want me to arrest him on the pitch? You're wasting police time here.
Shut it.
I don't know what's going on but it needs sorting.
Fine.
I'll sort it right now, then, eh? Pascoe? Oi! Oi! I told you I'd sort it, didn't I? You had to poke your nose in, didn't you? - What the hell, Kyle - And you're just as bad.
- Mr Pascoe, I'm arresting you - Get off me! under suspicion of theft and deception.
Add assault and battery.
I'll clear your locker out for you cos you won't ever be pulling on a Sparks strip again.
I hope you're happy.
- Are you all right, love? - Just about, yeah.
Show's over, folks.
Let's just all enjoy the game, shall we? Ditching Pascoe's the one decision you got spot-on today, mate.
That's interesting.
It's one decision I made without you interfering.
Ouch! Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but ain't we got the ideal substitute? - To be fair, it was cold.
- All right, lads, gotta win this one.
(Players chatter excitedly) All right.
All right.
Take your tracksuit off.
Ooh, I say, now.
(Chuckling) Who do you think you are, Fry, Claude Van bloody Damme? No, boss.
Do you know what being a team member means, Fry? It means you don't go mocking your mates.
- Yeah.
- So apologise to Alexander.
Sorry, Noah.
Just joking.
Any more jokes about poofs, I make 'em.
- Well, get changed.
You're playing.
- Me? But Pascoe? Sod Pascoe, he ain't in this team no more.
- (All) What? - You'll all find out why.
OK? Listen up, this is it.
I want to see you out there fighting for each other.
Nobody gives up.
Nobody stops trying until that final whistle goes.
- So let's have it! - You heard the man! Come on! You've got a chance to teach me a lesson out there.
I don't want to be proved right.
I've never seen him like that.
Oh, I have, love.
Believe me.
He hasn't hit you before, has he? Not when Chardonnay was alive, no, but something's just popped in his head.
Look, no offence, but you are ten times the girl she ever was.
In fact, I blame her.
I really do.
There's things you don't even know about.
He's told me about Chardonnay, what she did.
- Well, then, you see what I mean.
- It's no excuse for violence.
Nothing is.
Mrs Pascoe, I thought you might need another drink.
That was terrible what he did.
I feel like smacking him one meself.
- Here.
- No thanks, love.
But I bought it.
Yeah, well, I think you'd better save that for half-time.
Cos you look like you're gonna fall over and it's not a good idea in those shoes.
Kyle Pascoe, you are charged under Section 16 of the Theft Act, that you did obtain a pecuniary amount by deception.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say will be given in evidence.
(Reporter) It's half-time at Earls Park.
They promised fireworks and we are getting them.
Sparks dominated possession in the first half, yet despite piling on the pressure and creating chance after chance, they only have one goal to show for their hard work.
But what a goal from Lawson.
There goes Webbsy.
One happy man.
Earls Park are winning.
Christ, we'll get a white Christmas next.
' action-packed game.
Now it's back to Tommy ' Tell you what, H.
This is one you won't hear very often.
I don't feel like champagne.
Here, give us your wrist.
I'd better check your pulse.
(Hazel) You ain't been overdoing the er (Sniffs) you know what, have you? No.
Maybe Amber's been slipping arsenic into your drink.
She's bloody capable.
See you in a minute.
- Anybody's? - (Hazel) Yeah, mine.
But seeing as your husband scored that terrific goal, you can have it.
Did Harley score? Not when he met you, darling.
(Vomiting) (Toilet flushes) (lndistinct) 'Alexander, crosses.
Gates is in the middle.
Yes! 'Conrad Gates scores number two for Earls Park.
'Alexander's having a great game.
'He's serving them up on a plate.
If anyone deserves a goal today, it's him.
'That's 3-0.
Harley Lawson has blasted his second goal for Earls Park.
'The referee is looking at his watch now.
Sparks have got one foot in Europe 'and there's ugly chanting from deflated United fans 'directed, I'm sad to say, at Noah Alexander, 'but I don't think it's affected him one little bit.
'That's it.
Earls Park are in Europe.
' (Fans cheer) - Great through-ball from Alexander.
- Yeah, definitely.
Hard not to score from a ball like that.
- Well, congratulations, Harley.
- Cheers, John.
That's Harley Lawson, our man of the match.
(Chanting) 3-1! 3-1! 3-1! Oh, Jesus, I could do with a major mind-bending.
Yeah, well, try this for mind-bending.
I'm bloody pregnant.
- What? - You heard.
- You're joking.
- No.
Are you sure? I'm absolutely positive.
- And I can't believe it, but - Oh, Tanya.
This is just fantastic.
- Do you reckon? - Oh, sweetheart.
I never thought I'd have a baby.
I never wanted one.
But you do, don't you? Want this one? Oh.
We're going to have to talk to Amber about this.
I just got your team into Europe.
No, you got our team in.
Oh, I haven't decided about that yet.
I've had approaches.
Well, ell them, thanks for your interest, but Earls Park has just doubled your wages and you're playing for the European Cup.
- Have you seen our Shannon? - Tried the ladies'? OK, OK, you were right.
I'm always right, Rog.
Heh-hey! You showed 'em.
I reckon I could face anything with you, even a crowd like that.
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have to face that crowd.
No, Jude, don't blame yourself.
I chose to be with you.
And if that means having to put up with that lot, then fine.
You're worth it.
I'm only worth a grand, Noah.
That's all.
- Eh? - Tanya.
She said just to shag you.
I didn't know anything about a camera.
Honest.
She paid you? That's what I do.
That's what I did for a living.
Tanya Laslett paid you to have sex with me? I didn't know she was going to set you up.
It was just a gig.
I wish I'd never have done it.
But why? Why would she do that to me? At first, I thought it was a favour for you, like a present.
Jesus.
So now I'm a charity case? I never thought she had it in for you.
It's been killing me ever since.
But if it never have happened, then we wouldn't have met and you're all I want.
I'm sorry.
I just want to make things right.
That's why I'm telling you.
Like you said, no lies.
No.
Go to hell.
You did good out there.
Yeah.
I'd like a word with my husband, in private.
We need to talk, you, me and Tanya.
You're damn right.
There is no way that bloody cow is moving into my house.
(Harley) Shannon? Shannon? Hello? Shannon, are you all right? Harley is that for me? - Are you pissed? - Just a little.
Did you win? - You what? - The match.
Who won? - You mean you didn't see it? - I saw some of it but I fell asleep.
You fell asleep? The most important day of my life and you fell asleep! I'm sorry.
Harley Harley, come here.
I just got excited and it just went to my head.
So every wife out there could manage it, but not mine? - I were man of the friggin' match! - I said I'm sorry! - I have got a life, too, you know! - Yeah? If that's what you want to call lying in a bog pissed out your skull, then fine.
- I'm going home.
- You promised we'd go clubbing.
Piss off, Shannon, you're not in a fit state to walk.
Harley? Harley, you come back here now! Harley! Sod you, then.
I'll go clubbing on me own.
(Glass smashing and crashing) What the hell are you doing, Kyle? Kyle, I'm calling you a doctor! Kyle? You've done this deliberately.
You don't even want a baby.
But we do.
Don't we, Conrad? What kind of mother do you think she's gonna make? Changing nappies with those nails.
Look, this isn't ideal, but let's try and make the best of it.
I'm going to be a father twice over and I scored a goal today.
(Sobs) Oh, God.
All right, I'd better go home and do my packing.
(Tanya) I forgot my bag.
See you tomorrow, Amber.
I don't think so.
(Distant glass smashing) Jackie Jackie, it's me.
You and Roger better get home as quickly as possible.
(Glass smashing) Autograph is it, lads? - Nah.
Thought we'd give you ours.
- What? Leave me alone! (Screaming) You scream like a girl, bloody shit stabber! (Groaning) God Almighty.
What's going on? I'm Jackie Pascoe.
Kyle's my son.
I'm afraid we're detaining him under the Mental Health Act.
Jackie, Roger, I found this.
The bank are going to repossess the house.
What? Since when has he remortgaged the house? - Where is he? - He's barricaded himself in his den.
- I've gotta talk to him.
- Jackie.
- He won't listen! - Kyle! - Please, madam.
- Get out my way.
Oh, my God.
What's happened to him? - Good evening.
- Hi.
Cheers.
- Champagne? - Please, yeah.
- Thanks a lot.
- Have a great night.
Hi.
Darius Fry.
I play for Earls Park.
I know.
I'm Candy.
Nice name.
Darius! - Is Harley not with you? - He never wants to see me again.
- That's rubbish, Shan.
- He is a rotten bastard.
- Have you tried calling him? - I have called him about a million times.
How about a glass of champagne? Erm this is Candy.
Candy what? Chow mein? Actually, it's Lee.
Yeah, well, if you don't mind, Candy, we are having a private conversation here.
I hope you can understand grunts.
- Maybe later.
- I feel like a boogie.
Fancy? (Funky club music) Fancy another drink? What are you doing? - Come on.
- Get off me! - You've always been after me.
- You are a dirty perv! Whoa, whoa, show us your money first.
(Sobs) Shannon, it's me.
I've been looking for you all night.
Please call me.
All right? - OK.
Cheers.
- Thanks.
Hi.
I've got some very interesting information for you.
Tanya Laslett's been a very naughty girl again.
(Doorbell) - Hello? - Er Mr Davis.
Frank's lawyer.
Yes.
In the event of you receiving such happy news, Frank wanted you to have that.
Oh.
Thank you.
(Gasps) 'Tanya Tanya Tanya.
'So we're having a baby.
'I was beginning to think you'd never fall.
'But latex is so fragile.
'And you were always so vigorous with me.
'But latex is so fragile 'and you were always so vigorous with me.
' (Breathes heavily) 'And you were always so 'vigorous with me.
' No! (Chuckles)
You owe me 900K and I don't like IOUs.
I'm sorting it.
- So I'm gay, so what? - Listen, shit for brains! Gays just don't make footballers.
- That's out of order.
- That's the truth! Look, we are celebrities now.
Stars.
Shit, Tanya, I want you.
Oh, my God! Don't piss me about cos I don't want to get dark with you.
- I said I'll pay you.
- How? Cos you just run out of credits.
What? Didn't you know she was pregnant? (Radio DJ) 'And now over to Jonathan for our latest sports update.
' 'lt's a big day for Earls Park.
'They may have missed out on the title but Europe's still firmly in their sights.
'This is crunch time.
With the small matter of £20 million in television rights 'riding on this game, they really can't afford to lose it.
'Let's hope the boys maintain the form 'we witnessed in the second half of the season.
'I'm sure everyone will welcome the return of striker Kyle Pascoe.
' (Shower running) (Water stops) - This is my personal space.
- I was only bringing you breakfast.
I drove to the deli to get it for you.
San Daniele ham and melon, just like you always eat in Italy.
I had a dream last night that we were back in Enzo's.
By the canal.
Do you remember? People, they couldn't stop staring at us.
We had it all back then, didn't we? - Italy was a long time ago.
- Not for me.
Can we cut the memory lane stuff, cos what I'm remembering isn't so rosy.
How can you forget, especially now I'm carrying your baby? Don't you care? - That's why you're here.
- Maybe you need to think about me, too.
I need a reason to carry this thing around for nine months.
Drop the emotional blackmail.
I want this baby but don't use it to screw up my relationship with Tanya.
Oh! That woman! She's a devil! I could kill her! Calm down.
You and Tanya have to find a way to get on together.
- Never.
- I'll look after you.
I promise.
But not everything's going to be on your terms.
OK? Is it me or is something missing? Well, the odd car or two.
Or four.
I'll be he's having them valeted.
Honestly, one speck of dust.
I can't see what's wrong with a bucket and sponge myself.
Where are they? Hello, love.
- All right, Mum.
- All right.
- Hello, darling.
- So much for sightseeing.
- Hello.
- You all right? That's the last time you go away without me.
I didn't know what to do.
Christ, you're both soppy.
She never stopped talking about you.
Are all the cars being valeted? Er not exactly, no.
Some bastard stole the lot of 'em.
You must be joking.
When? Last night.
I didn't hear a thing.
Well, how did they get all four? The erm The police reckon that er it was an organised gang.
You know, must have lifted them all onto a truck.
They reckon there's a lot of thefts at the minute.
As if we haven't been through enough.
Hey, we can get it back on the insurance.
Have you asked for a claims form? No, not yet.
I've got enough to think about.
You get a crime reference number? I'll call 'em.
Can we just leave it till after the game? I don't even know where I wrote it down.
Yeah, of course, love.
Don't think about that right now.
Relax.
It's only lumps of metal.
Yeah.
(Distant shouting) They're out there again.
The whole bloody pack.
By this time next week, it's going to be old news.
You're kidding.
As far as my manager's concerned, I've shafted the team.
It's only football.
Score a couple of goals and nobody's going to care who you have sex with.
You don't get it, do you? The fans want their goals scored by their own kind.
It's bad enough me being black and if they know that I'm not even straight Shit.
They can't sack me for it, though, can they? What else can I do with one crappy GCSE in geography that gets paid 15 grand a week that I love and I'm shit-hot at? I've just got to hang in there, don't I? Alexander ain't down here.
No.
He's on the bench.
This is a joke, right? Last week you told me he was playing out of his skin.
No, cos we've got Gates and Pascoe up front.
Fry's in the hole and Lawson's on the left.
There's no room for Alexander.
It's a new formation.
Oh, cut the crap, Rog.
This ain't about formation.
So you're an expert on tactics now? That's funny.
I thought that was my job.
Your job is to play the best team.
- That includes Alexander.
- All right, Hazel.
Let me explain how this works in the real world.
United get their hard men into him from the start.
Makes them look like heroes in front of their fans.
Alexander goes down.
Our players react.
The ref gets involved.
Red cards, kiss goodbye to Europe.
You want to fight a cause, pick another charity.
This is it, darling.
This is what you've worked so hard for.
- Well, let's hope I'm up to it.
- Of course you are.
I don't go for losers.
Come on, love.
We'll have the bubbly waiting.
- Bye.
- See you.
Right, well, we'd better get these cars sorted.
You think? There can't be many Kyle Pascoes who've lost half a million quids' worth of cars.
Take it from me.
If you want something doing, you'd better do it yourself.
Everything's always tomorrow with Kyle.
- You look amazing, Shannon.
- You never said that before.
- Haven't I always told you that? - But not what you just said.
Amazing.
Well, I should have.
You know, for the first time in me whole life I feel like I'm good enough for you.
Crap.
You've always been good enough.
It's the truth.
I don't want it going to your head - but you've got a lot going for you.
- Yeah? If you think I'm going to read out a list, you can forget it.
Look at us, eh? I'm off to t'biggest game of t'season.
All us mates will be watching back home.
Me mum'd be green as peas if she knew I was having lunch with Tanya Turner.
Well, after we're going clubbing.
I haven't had a since since t'wedding.
I'll make up for it tonight, win or lose.
- I'll give you a wave at t'final whistle.
- You better.
No.
I'm not being funny.
My son reported all of this.
Well, are you sure? Look, can you just check again, please? The police don't know anything about it.
Hello? Right.
Well, then, I'd like to report it now, please.
We've had four cars stolen.
I'd appreciate it if someone could get round here.
Thank you.
I could swing for him sometimes.
What's it like to be back, Kyle? Will this be your last season at the club? (Reporters shouting questions) Conrad, how's Amber? Is it true she tried to kill herself? Is it true, Conrad? Just a few words for the readers.
I'm sure your fans will want to know, Conrad.
Did she try to top herself? I was beginning to think you'd gone back to Italy.
Christ, I missed you.
Oh, God.
Why didn't you call me? I've been going out of my mind knowing you're shacked up with that nutcase.
Nothing's happened, has it? She hasn't tried to top herself again? It's all games.
She knows exactly how to play you, which is why you've got to get her out of your place, or she'll do your head in.
Tanya, we're gonna have a baby.
Hang on.
There's a lot I want to do with you before my ankles swell and my waist disappears.
Not us.
Amber.
- She's pregnant.
- Eh? I think you heard.
But it's another lie, like the kidnap.
She'll do anything to try and keep you.
This is one thing she can't lie about.
How do you know it's yours? The amount of bloody threesomes she's had.
- It's mine.
- Well, then, get her to a bloody clinic.
Please tell me she's not keeping it.
Tanya, this is my first child.
So you just pretend the last few months didn't happen? I don't want Amber.
I want you.
But this changes things.
I can't just kick her out.
I am not sharing you with that frigging crackpot.
No way.
You can't do this to me, Conrad.
(Roger) Hey, er, Gates, sorry to disturb you.
Small matter of a premiership football match.
Come on.
Move it.
Now.
Bloody hell, Lawson, your missus.
Whoa-hoy! Get them out my face.
(Scouse accent) Since me boob jobs, we've been at it like rabbits.
Tell you what, Ray, talk about my wife like that again and I'll deck you.
(All) Whoa! - Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, in case you've forgotten, we've got the match of our lives this afternoon.
And if that's not motivation enough, there's a £50,000 bonus for every man on the pitch.
(Cheering) One small condition, though, we do actually have to win the game first.
What about for scoring? You score a goal? No wonder this game's going out of business.
You score a goal and Hazel will double your bonus.
£100,000.
That's right, yeah.
I get the smallest hint of selfishness on the ball, you're off the pitch, OK? - I said OK! - (All) Yeah! The cars will be out the country by now.
Stolen to order most likely.
- I'd guess Eastern Europe.
- So no chance of finding them? We'll circulate the details, but in the meantime I suggest you beef up security and contact your insurers.
OK.
All right.
Well, thanks, Officer.
They don't hold out much hope.
I've got a crime reference number, though.
I suppose he can kiss goodbye to his no-claims bonus.
Think he can afford it? Anyway, look, I've got to dash.
The pre-match lunch.
That's fine, love.
I'll drop Paddy off and meet you at the ground.
OK, then.
Oh, by the way, watch out for the claws.
And I don't mean the ones in the crab salad.
(Snorts) I guess it serves us right for being flash bastards.
I'll get Kyle to sort me out with a second-hand Lada next time.
- No one'll nick that.
- Don't bank on it, darling.
You can make a Lada look like a Lamborghini.
Forget about getting another motor.
Take cabs, drink what you want, claim it back on the tax.
I don't drink much.
I've seen you guys hoovering it up.
Oh, great, H, just what we need.
Someone counting the glasses.
As far as I'm concerned, a bottle is the new glass.
Where the bloody hell's Shannon? I told her 12:30.
Somewhere providing centrefolds for the one-handed readership.
(Cackles) Just one more, Shannon.
Come on.
Yeah.
That's it, darling.
- Lovely.
- Where did you say these were going? - The highest bidder, love.
- As long as they make front page.
You haven't got the time, have you, mate? - Half past.
- Friggin' shit! Thanks, babe.
Just do a check on a red Ferrari, 385 KYL.
Performance Cars on the high street.
- Hiya.
- Nice of you to join us eventually.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to do a bit of press.
Can't shake them off.
Try wearing some clothes, darling.
That might help.
(Tanya) All men are ruled by their dicks.
My Conrad has picked up some nasty habits from that bloody harpy of a wife.
I'm telling you, he's in strict need of re-house-training.
Same as Kyle.
They couldn't exist if we weren't there wiping up after them.
You think they're hard to handle? Try keeping their manager to heel.
My Harley's not changed a bit since he joined the Sparks.
But you've changed enough for two, Shannon.
Give him time.
His knuckles'll be scraping the ground with the rest of 'em.
Harley's the same as he always was.
Just dead normal.
Yeah.
And he's never going to have an affair.
That's right.
He's never.
He's not like that Conrad Gates.
Er anyone up for a second? - I think you'll find that's the third.
- I'm up for a fourth.
I thought I'd find you all here.
Excellent.
I'm in the mood for celebrating.
- I'll get you a glass.
- Ooh, no, Shannon.
I don't think so, not in my condition.
Oh, didn't Tanya tell you? I'm pregnant.
Conrad's baby.
These guys are tricky up front.
A couple of good heavy challenges early on should quieten them down a bit.
Their centre half's good in the air but he turns like an oil tanker.
So you should whip him for pace.
Hey, Pascoe, are you interested in who we're up against today? This is the defence you've got to break down, yeah? - Sorry, boss.
- All right, I think we've seen enough.
You ladies can get tarted up for the game now.
Boss, why am I on the bench? - Your focus is all wrong, Alexander.
- My focus? I've never been more focused in my life.
Look, son, I want this match on the back page of tomorrow's newspapers, not the front page.
I've got this club to think about.
- You'll still get your wages.
- I don't care about the money.
I want to play.
Unfortunately, my job is a bit harder than giving players what they want.
Let me see.
I think I'll have the sardines as a main.
I've had such a craving for sardines.
It must be the baby.
I suddenly lost my appetite.
Well, Amber, you must be thrilled.
Having a baby right in the nick of time.
I mean, you couldn't have left it much longer at your age.
Don't you know, Tanya? A baby makes you feel young again.
And I feel absolutely fantastic.
That's good cos I wouldn't want to wake up to you retching into the loo.
Sorry.
Oh, I thought Conrad might have discussed it with you.
I'm moving in tomorrow.
Over my dead body you are.
And Conrad wouldn't do that to me.
He already has, love, but if it's any consolation, you're not my first choice of house mate.
It's a bit like Big Brother, this.
Does the winner get Conrad? Rather you than me, girls.
I couldn't share my man.
So is it going to be all threesomes and stuff, cos our Harley was saying that he heard that your your Conrad was into all that? Just pick yourself a nice room at the end of the house.
I'd hate for me and Conrad to keep you awake.
Oh, for crying out loud, I've got the log book to prove it.
Then you won't mind if I take a little look then, will you, sir? OK, girls, it's show time.
Let's hit it.
- Well, I'll drive myself.
- And who invited you? In case you've forgotten, I'm the one with the marriage certificate.
I don't think they're going to stop the captain's wife at the door.
Laters.
Pascoe, come out here now.
(Players) Woo! Boss? (Man) Mr Pascoe? We were called to investigate a case of motor vehicle theft at your property.
I never called you.
A Ms Jackie Pascoe reported the incident.
She's filed an insurance claim.
The thing is, sir, we've recovered the vehicles and they weren't stolen, they were sold.
Do you know anything about this, sir? No.
No, nothing at all.
Then your mother's guilty of fraud and deception.
Between me and you, I've run into some money problems.
I sold the cars to clear a gambling debt.
The problem is, sir, two of them weren't yours to sell.
Give me a break.
It was me who bought the cars for them.
That's right.
Then you stole 'em.
Jesus, I'll buy 'em both another car.
A crime's been committed and a lot of police time's been wasted.
I've got 40,000 fans out there waiting to see me play a game of football.
You're accusing me of things I haven't even done.
Come down the station.
Piss off.
What? I asked him to accompany me to the station.
- What, now? Don't be daft.
- He's refusing to cooperate.
Do you want me to arrest him on the pitch? You're wasting police time here.
Shut it.
I don't know what's going on but it needs sorting.
Fine.
I'll sort it right now, then, eh? Pascoe? Oi! Oi! I told you I'd sort it, didn't I? You had to poke your nose in, didn't you? - What the hell, Kyle - And you're just as bad.
- Mr Pascoe, I'm arresting you - Get off me! under suspicion of theft and deception.
Add assault and battery.
I'll clear your locker out for you cos you won't ever be pulling on a Sparks strip again.
I hope you're happy.
- Are you all right, love? - Just about, yeah.
Show's over, folks.
Let's just all enjoy the game, shall we? Ditching Pascoe's the one decision you got spot-on today, mate.
That's interesting.
It's one decision I made without you interfering.
Ouch! Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but ain't we got the ideal substitute? - To be fair, it was cold.
- All right, lads, gotta win this one.
(Players chatter excitedly) All right.
All right.
Take your tracksuit off.
Ooh, I say, now.
(Chuckling) Who do you think you are, Fry, Claude Van bloody Damme? No, boss.
Do you know what being a team member means, Fry? It means you don't go mocking your mates.
- Yeah.
- So apologise to Alexander.
Sorry, Noah.
Just joking.
Any more jokes about poofs, I make 'em.
- Well, get changed.
You're playing.
- Me? But Pascoe? Sod Pascoe, he ain't in this team no more.
- (All) What? - You'll all find out why.
OK? Listen up, this is it.
I want to see you out there fighting for each other.
Nobody gives up.
Nobody stops trying until that final whistle goes.
- So let's have it! - You heard the man! Come on! You've got a chance to teach me a lesson out there.
I don't want to be proved right.
I've never seen him like that.
Oh, I have, love.
Believe me.
He hasn't hit you before, has he? Not when Chardonnay was alive, no, but something's just popped in his head.
Look, no offence, but you are ten times the girl she ever was.
In fact, I blame her.
I really do.
There's things you don't even know about.
He's told me about Chardonnay, what she did.
- Well, then, you see what I mean.
- It's no excuse for violence.
Nothing is.
Mrs Pascoe, I thought you might need another drink.
That was terrible what he did.
I feel like smacking him one meself.
- Here.
- No thanks, love.
But I bought it.
Yeah, well, I think you'd better save that for half-time.
Cos you look like you're gonna fall over and it's not a good idea in those shoes.
Kyle Pascoe, you are charged under Section 16 of the Theft Act, that you did obtain a pecuniary amount by deception.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say will be given in evidence.
(Reporter) It's half-time at Earls Park.
They promised fireworks and we are getting them.
Sparks dominated possession in the first half, yet despite piling on the pressure and creating chance after chance, they only have one goal to show for their hard work.
But what a goal from Lawson.
There goes Webbsy.
One happy man.
Earls Park are winning.
Christ, we'll get a white Christmas next.
' action-packed game.
Now it's back to Tommy ' Tell you what, H.
This is one you won't hear very often.
I don't feel like champagne.
Here, give us your wrist.
I'd better check your pulse.
(Hazel) You ain't been overdoing the er (Sniffs) you know what, have you? No.
Maybe Amber's been slipping arsenic into your drink.
She's bloody capable.
See you in a minute.
- Anybody's? - (Hazel) Yeah, mine.
But seeing as your husband scored that terrific goal, you can have it.
Did Harley score? Not when he met you, darling.
(Vomiting) (Toilet flushes) (lndistinct) 'Alexander, crosses.
Gates is in the middle.
Yes! 'Conrad Gates scores number two for Earls Park.
'Alexander's having a great game.
'He's serving them up on a plate.
If anyone deserves a goal today, it's him.
'That's 3-0.
Harley Lawson has blasted his second goal for Earls Park.
'The referee is looking at his watch now.
Sparks have got one foot in Europe 'and there's ugly chanting from deflated United fans 'directed, I'm sad to say, at Noah Alexander, 'but I don't think it's affected him one little bit.
'That's it.
Earls Park are in Europe.
' (Fans cheer) - Great through-ball from Alexander.
- Yeah, definitely.
Hard not to score from a ball like that.
- Well, congratulations, Harley.
- Cheers, John.
That's Harley Lawson, our man of the match.
(Chanting) 3-1! 3-1! 3-1! Oh, Jesus, I could do with a major mind-bending.
Yeah, well, try this for mind-bending.
I'm bloody pregnant.
- What? - You heard.
- You're joking.
- No.
Are you sure? I'm absolutely positive.
- And I can't believe it, but - Oh, Tanya.
This is just fantastic.
- Do you reckon? - Oh, sweetheart.
I never thought I'd have a baby.
I never wanted one.
But you do, don't you? Want this one? Oh.
We're going to have to talk to Amber about this.
I just got your team into Europe.
No, you got our team in.
Oh, I haven't decided about that yet.
I've had approaches.
Well, ell them, thanks for your interest, but Earls Park has just doubled your wages and you're playing for the European Cup.
- Have you seen our Shannon? - Tried the ladies'? OK, OK, you were right.
I'm always right, Rog.
Heh-hey! You showed 'em.
I reckon I could face anything with you, even a crowd like that.
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have to face that crowd.
No, Jude, don't blame yourself.
I chose to be with you.
And if that means having to put up with that lot, then fine.
You're worth it.
I'm only worth a grand, Noah.
That's all.
- Eh? - Tanya.
She said just to shag you.
I didn't know anything about a camera.
Honest.
She paid you? That's what I do.
That's what I did for a living.
Tanya Laslett paid you to have sex with me? I didn't know she was going to set you up.
It was just a gig.
I wish I'd never have done it.
But why? Why would she do that to me? At first, I thought it was a favour for you, like a present.
Jesus.
So now I'm a charity case? I never thought she had it in for you.
It's been killing me ever since.
But if it never have happened, then we wouldn't have met and you're all I want.
I'm sorry.
I just want to make things right.
That's why I'm telling you.
Like you said, no lies.
No.
Go to hell.
You did good out there.
Yeah.
I'd like a word with my husband, in private.
We need to talk, you, me and Tanya.
You're damn right.
There is no way that bloody cow is moving into my house.
(Harley) Shannon? Shannon? Hello? Shannon, are you all right? Harley is that for me? - Are you pissed? - Just a little.
Did you win? - You what? - The match.
Who won? - You mean you didn't see it? - I saw some of it but I fell asleep.
You fell asleep? The most important day of my life and you fell asleep! I'm sorry.
Harley Harley, come here.
I just got excited and it just went to my head.
So every wife out there could manage it, but not mine? - I were man of the friggin' match! - I said I'm sorry! - I have got a life, too, you know! - Yeah? If that's what you want to call lying in a bog pissed out your skull, then fine.
- I'm going home.
- You promised we'd go clubbing.
Piss off, Shannon, you're not in a fit state to walk.
Harley? Harley, you come back here now! Harley! Sod you, then.
I'll go clubbing on me own.
(Glass smashing and crashing) What the hell are you doing, Kyle? Kyle, I'm calling you a doctor! Kyle? You've done this deliberately.
You don't even want a baby.
But we do.
Don't we, Conrad? What kind of mother do you think she's gonna make? Changing nappies with those nails.
Look, this isn't ideal, but let's try and make the best of it.
I'm going to be a father twice over and I scored a goal today.
(Sobs) Oh, God.
All right, I'd better go home and do my packing.
(Tanya) I forgot my bag.
See you tomorrow, Amber.
I don't think so.
(Distant glass smashing) Jackie Jackie, it's me.
You and Roger better get home as quickly as possible.
(Glass smashing) Autograph is it, lads? - Nah.
Thought we'd give you ours.
- What? Leave me alone! (Screaming) You scream like a girl, bloody shit stabber! (Groaning) God Almighty.
What's going on? I'm Jackie Pascoe.
Kyle's my son.
I'm afraid we're detaining him under the Mental Health Act.
Jackie, Roger, I found this.
The bank are going to repossess the house.
What? Since when has he remortgaged the house? - Where is he? - He's barricaded himself in his den.
- I've gotta talk to him.
- Jackie.
- He won't listen! - Kyle! - Please, madam.
- Get out my way.
Oh, my God.
What's happened to him? - Good evening.
- Hi.
Cheers.
- Champagne? - Please, yeah.
- Thanks a lot.
- Have a great night.
Hi.
Darius Fry.
I play for Earls Park.
I know.
I'm Candy.
Nice name.
Darius! - Is Harley not with you? - He never wants to see me again.
- That's rubbish, Shan.
- He is a rotten bastard.
- Have you tried calling him? - I have called him about a million times.
How about a glass of champagne? Erm this is Candy.
Candy what? Chow mein? Actually, it's Lee.
Yeah, well, if you don't mind, Candy, we are having a private conversation here.
I hope you can understand grunts.
- Maybe later.
- I feel like a boogie.
Fancy? (Funky club music) Fancy another drink? What are you doing? - Come on.
- Get off me! - You've always been after me.
- You are a dirty perv! Whoa, whoa, show us your money first.
(Sobs) Shannon, it's me.
I've been looking for you all night.
Please call me.
All right? - OK.
Cheers.
- Thanks.
Hi.
I've got some very interesting information for you.
Tanya Laslett's been a very naughty girl again.
(Doorbell) - Hello? - Er Mr Davis.
Frank's lawyer.
Yes.
In the event of you receiving such happy news, Frank wanted you to have that.
Oh.
Thank you.
(Gasps) 'Tanya Tanya Tanya.
'So we're having a baby.
'I was beginning to think you'd never fall.
'But latex is so fragile.
'And you were always so vigorous with me.
'But latex is so fragile 'and you were always so vigorous with me.
' (Breathes heavily) 'And you were always so 'vigorous with me.
' No! (Chuckles)