Futurama s03e09 Episode Script

Birdbot of IceCatraz Those cookies are fresh-a-licious,|but they produce a lot of trash.
That head spray makes|your antenna smell nice.
- Thank you.
|- But it's damaging the planet.
So? It's not the only one we've got.
Good news! I'm sending you|on an extremely controversial mission.
- Controversial?|- Oh, my, no.
For this highly controversial mission,|you'll be towing the Juan Valdez an orbiting supertanker|full of Colombian dark matter.
Oil? What if we hit something,|and the tanker leaks? Impossible.
|The tanker has 6000 hulls.
So, unlike me,|it's entirely leakproof.
Once you've hauled the tanker|past the protestors- - Protestors?|- Correct.
Six thousand hulls.
Why do we fly within three feet|of this penguin preserve? To avoid the tollbooth.
She's restocked with emergency jam.
|Let's get going.
At the risk of sounding negative, no.
|I can't participate in this mission.
What are you yapping about? Your reckless disregard|for the environment! I'm gonna join those protestors.
This is an outrage.
I demand you|hand over your captain's jacket.
This is my normal jacket.
|I've had it 10 years.
I said, hand it over.
Well, Fry, or should I say|Captain Fry? No, I shouldn't.
|Bender is the new captain.
- Bender?|- That's right.
Being captain|is about intuition and heart.
A good captain can't have either.
That's why cold, logical Bender|is perfect for the job.
I do think of human life|as expendable.
No fair!|Leela was training me to be captain.
She let me sit on her lap and steer,|in this comic I drew.
The new one's out! The title of captain|may inflate the human ego but it's beneath the notice|of my mighty robo-logic.
Now, look spry, men.
|We launch at six bells.
Greetings.
I'm Free Waterfall Sr.
,|founder of Penguins Unlimited.
No applause.
|When you clap your hands you kill thousands of spores that'll|someday form a nutritious fungus.
Just show your approval|with a mold-friendly thumbs up.
Please hold your thumbs until the end.
It's time to stop that tanker|with a nonviolent human circle.
Why resort to nonviolence?|Can't we kick their asses? Little lady, those people's asses|are living things too.
We're hitched up tighter|than Davy Jones' U-Haul.
- At ease, men.
|- I am at ease.
I like to give my first mate|an informal nickname.
From now on,|you'll be known as Wiggles.
The hell I will.
Have you even read|the captain's handbook? I have now.
What's Peter Parrot's|first rule of captaining? "Always respect|the chain o' command, " captain.
Correct, Wiggles.
You've just earned|an invitation to the captain's table.
The captain's table? What an honor.
Our peace ring has them trapped|like a tiger in a washing machine.
- Get ready.
|- Look at that.
Here they come.
Didn't you realize spaceships|can move in three dimensions? No, I did not.
That tanker gave us the slip,|but we'll stop them here on Pluto.
If you're cold, rub your bodies with|permafrost.
It's nature's long johns.
If rubbing dirt in your crotch|is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
This here is our penguin preserve.
They're so cute, like if puppies|and kittens could have babies.
We use hand puppets around young ones|to simulate a natural environment.
That's adorable.
Ow! It's this medal I'm most proud of.
I won it for saving the children|of Earth from a giant kangaroo.
It was on Australian news.
|You didn't see it.
- Brilliant.
|- Would you cram a sock in it? Those aren't even medals.
They're|bottle caps and pepperoni slices.
Thank you, steward.
Weren't you about to toast|your gallant captain? Fine, I've got a toast.
|To Captain Bender.
He's the best at being a jerk, and his ugly face|is as dumb as a butt.
I've heard better.
If I were in charge,|I wouldn't treat you like this.
You're nothing but a blowhard.
Sir, you forget yourself.
Shut up.
Being captain is more important to you|than being my friend.
I'm going.
Going? But a captain can't drink|without his first mate.
- You can drink with me, maybe?|- I don't feel like drinking.
Then if you'll excuse me I see some ravioli|that only has two shoe prints on it.
Three.
Oh, Greenland is a barren land|A land that bears no green Where there's ice and snoW|And the Whale fishies bloW- Please have some liquor.
|Robots need alcohol to function.
I once knew a guy-|You look like him.
He wasn't neither - I'm a good captain.
|- Please, I love you like a father! Oh, I hope they read my sign! - Bender's too low and upside down.
|- He must be talking on a cell phone.
- What's happening?|- All 6000 hulls have been breached.
Fools.
If only they'd built it with|6001 hulls.
When will they learn? Continuing our coverage of a tragic,|but faraWay, story.
The crisis on Pluto Worsens|as dark matter spreads.
The images are truly horrific.
I don't think any of us can understand|hoW those poor penguins feel.
Oily humanoid.
At the time of the crash, the captain|had an alcohol level of.
08 percent Well beloW the legal limit|for robots.
As your lawyer, I declare y'all|are in a 12-piece bucket of trouble.
But I struck you a deal.
|Five hours of community service cleaning up that mess.
Five hours? Couldn't you have|just gotten me the death penalty? I'd have done better,|but it's hard pleading a case while awaiting trial|for incompetence.
Good luck with that.
Now, you stay away|from those Puffin twins.
To avoid frostbite,|put your hands between your buttocks.
That's nature's pocket.
- I'll check on Bender.
|- Watch so he doesn't pick your pocket.
Can't beat fresh-squeezed.
Bender, can you at least pretend|you're being punished? Clean the black parts too.
Are they black with white feathers - or white with black feathers?|- Don't matter.
They're all beautiful.
Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here.
|What's this? Man, he got away.
This is why chief says no hugging.
Good work, everyone.
|I suggest you get some sleep.
I'm gonna stay up singing songs about|penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.
Has anyone seen Bender? Bender!|Here robot, robot, robot.
Why weren't you Kong donkeys|cleaning up? They sent us inside|for doing an unsatisfactory job.
- And eating penguin eggs.
|- You ate most of them.
Where's Captain Bender?|Off catastrophizing some other planet? - Damn it, Fry! He's still your captain!|- He didn't come back with the group.
- He didn't?|- No.
It's 20 degrees below absolute zero.
|I better go find him.
Wait.
Bender and I have disagreements,|but we're still friends and I'm gonna show him|what that means.
To the ship.
Why don't you walk?|He was only 20 yards from here.
Madam, I am in command now.
Such a man.
I'd follow him|to hell and back, I would.
What the-? What's this water made of, ice?|Forget this! I don't think we're on Pluto.
|We may have left space as we know it.
Then where are we? - You said you knew how to navigate.
|- Stop yelling at me.
It's worse than we thought.
It seems|dark matter is nature's sex drug.
It's like a mix of penguin estrogen,|penguin Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
- It's making them ultrafertile.
|- How ultra? A garden-variety penguin|lays one egg a year.
Since the spill, our penguins|lay six eggs every 15 minutes! Also, the eggs hatch in only 12 hours! Also, the males are laying eggs! This man has overgasped! Soon, there will|be too many birds to count.
Before long, they will exhaust|their food supply and starve to death.
If only we hadn't flown penguins|to Pluto and dumped oil on them.
- Can't we stop them from multiplying?|- Yes.
Thankfully, we have a plan.
- What is it? We'll do anything!|- Grab your guns.
I declare penguin hunting season|officially open! Isn't there some way|to keep them from breeding? Cold showers don't work|on Antarctic creatures.
Surely, a quick semipainless death|is better than weeks of starvation.
Well, I suppose.
But I joined Penguins Unlimited|to love penguins, not hunt them.
The two are one and the same.
Now, are you with us, or are you|gonna let innocent penguins suffer? Oh, God, it's inhuman!|It's like Hong Kong! I'll do it! That's a good old-fashioned gun.
|Rifle check! - Oh, yeah!|- Wee doggy! You're enjoying this! Look, if you have to shoot penguins,|you might as well enjoy it.
Sorry, if it's fun in any way,|it's not environmentalism.
- Really? How about blowing up dams?|- Yeah, that is fun.
Let's conservate! It's been an honor to serve under you! This is for their own good.
Don't leave orphans.
|Gotta kill entire families.
They're so cute.
No! You can do this.
|It's like murdering a little butler.
I can't look.
Oh, no! What have I done?! You poor little guy! I'm so sorry I- Bender?! Were you hiding out with these guys? Of course not! Filthy ice rats! Scat! Shoo! What are you doing? Get away! - They love you.
|- Well, I don't love them.
Aw.
I don't know why,|but when I look at their faces it makes me want to puke!|In a good way.
Stop! Stop shooting! - It's me! Leela!|Sorry.
Why aren't you firing at them?|Don't you want to help them? - Not this way.
|- You're not a tree-hugging kook at all! I don't know if shooting penguins|will help or not.
But the decision shouldn't be in the|hands of people who kill just for fun.
You may just be farming|some free-range truth there.
But we already made 200 pounds|of batter for penguin tempura.
- Okay, boys, it's them or us!|- No! - Where did they-?|- Attack! Make sure they use|every part of my body! I'll avenge your death, son! They used to be peaceful.
|I suppose this was your doing? I taught them if it ain't black|and white, peck and bite.
Now, to take off my tuxedo Guys, it's me, your lovable dictator!|Uh-oh.
If only we had a toboggan! Faster! Faster! Ooh, phew.
|Phew.
Right, they can swim.
|It's all coming back to me now.
- It's Fry!|- Wiggles? At least it'll help|reduce their population.
Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.
- Permission to come aboard?|- Granted.
We can't take off without our captain.
Ahem.
|- And bring my toboggan.
- Were you able to help the penguins?|- Sure.
I mean, not really.
Nature will work itself out.
It can't screw up any worse|than we did, right? I don't know.
Quit worrying! Thanks to my influence,|those stupid birds will do just fine.