George Lopez (2002) s03e09 Episode Script

Dad, "Martian Sniper Two" is out.
We've gotta go buy it before they're gone.
I've been out of work for a while.
Money's a little tight so now's not a good time, okay? - How about now? Max When I was your age, I didn't have toys, I still had fun.
I bought you toys.
Mom, walkie-talkies? I was an only child with no friends.
Crkh.
George 1, this is George 2.
What's your 20? Over.
Crkh.
Crkh.
I'm right here.
Honey, I was thinking.
I know it's our anniversary next week but since we're catching up on our bills why don't we let each other off the hook this year? Yes! No gifts! You don't know the hell I go through to find you some overpriced meaningless piece of - I didn't say no gifts.
I just think this year, we should give each other something that represents our love, you know.
Something creative that comes from the heart.
Oh, man.
Bah.
This is too weak.
In Cuba, even babies drink coffee stronger than this.
Yeah, that's because they haven't had milk since 1959.
Can you take my dad to Thirsty's with you? I can't get any work done with him here in the house.
- What's his problem? - Ugh, he can't open his practice until his medical license transfers from Florida.
He's going crazy.
He's dying to get back to work.
All right.
He could always be, like, a back-alley cardiologist.
Psst.
"Oye.
Get in the van.
I'm doing angioplasties for 20 bucks.
And I'll throw in the speakers, huh? You like the subwoofer? How about the tweeters, okay?" You know, sometimes when you don't get what you want you gotta work the system a little.
You know, like when Grandma wants a free dinner, she - Comes to our house? - No.
She goes to a restaurant and lies that it's her birthday.
I wish I could have a fake birthday party.
- Well, maybe you can.
- How would I do that? First First you find kids that don't know when your real birthday is.
You know, kids you can fool.
The kids from my special-ed class.
They barely know me.
Ho! Hey.
Two-for-one daiquiris.
You know, heh the daiquiri is named after a Cuban river.
Now it just reminds me how things used to be before the rrrrevolution.
Today, I wouldn't drink a daiquiri unless it was made from Castro's frozen, slushy blood.
Hey, does that Daiquirí River run into a valley called Get Over It? Three beers.
Heh-heh.
Sorry.
My mind is burdened.
Look, I know it's gonna be a while before you can practice cardiology, man, but think of it this way: There's a whole generation out there of obese children who are only getting fatter.
- Hey, cha-ching.
- That's not what's troubling me.
It's my brother, Octavio.
He was supposed to get out of Cuba this month but I found out this morning that Castro won't let him go.
- Oh, Angie doesn't know, does she? - No.
Didn't have the heart to tell her.
She hasn't seen her uncle since she was 12 and now she may never get the chance.
You know what? If Castro was here right now we could take turns kicking his khaki-covered ass.
- I'd be into that.
- Me too.
Then while he was laying on the floor picking teeth out of his beard, we could go down to Cuba and bust my brother out.
- Hey, you're damn right, we could.
- Yeah, just try and stop us.
Mm, we could use my boat.
Hey, call him right now, I'll go.
I'll be the Pirate of the Caribbean.
Órale, I got an eye patch.
Let's do it, George.
Let's go get him.
I'll buy us plane tickets tonight.
Whoa, Vic, I wasn't serious.
Hey, man, that's just bar talk.
If we did everything we said over a beer I'd be playing quarterback for the Raiders and Ernie would be a fighter pilot.
Call sign would be "Hot Wings.
" Hey, hey.
This is not a delusional fantasy for me, eh? Come on, if Octavio can get a boat we could meet him in international waters, take him to Florida.
He sets one foot on land, fills out some paperwork and then, pam-pam, he gets asylum.
What Castro's doing to your brother sucks, man, but I can't go.
I got a family to think about.
So you're a big fraidycat.
Yes, I'm a big fraidycat.
I'm afraid of the ocean.
I'm afraid of the Coast Guard.
Most of all, I'm afraid of what Angie would do if she found out.
Well, you don't tell her.
You just surprise her with Octavio as the best anniversary present ever.
Oh, man, that would be a hell of a gift.
But what if we get caught? We'll be rescuing a family member who needs political asylum.
They don't prosecute.
You just get a wrist-slapping.
Probably.
Probably? I wanna go.
I wanna help somebody get their freedom.
Plus, maybe there'd be a woman floating out there that I could meet before everybody else in America got a shot.
I don't know, Vic.
So just out of curiosity, what anniversary gift are you planning to give Angie? Heh.
All right.
I was gonna make this red papier-mâché heart, right out of toilet-paper rolls that says All right.
I'm in.
Whoa, whoa, Vic, Vic.
If Angie's gonna believe our story, you gotta look depressed.
But I'm too excited to act depressed.
Your wife left you for a younger man.
Perfect.
- How's my dad doing? - Oh, not good.
Oh, Daddy.
I haven't seen that look on his face since I told him we were getting married.
He's so low.
I mean, he's talking crazy, Angie.
He wants to take me and Ernie to Miami for a weekend fishing trip on his boat.
I think that's a great idea.
- No, Angie.
Fishing with your dad? - Oh, it would mean so much to me.
Please? Ah - Okay.
- Thanks.
George is going out of town for the weekend and I got a seminar.
Can you watch the kids? Sure.
I can think of something to keep them busy.
Thanks.
So your mom will be working late, and your dad will be out of town.
Happy birthday to me.
Give me that class list.
We'll start calling.
All right.
Jamie Anderson.
Hi.
This is Benita Lopez, Max Lopez's grandma.
I know that this is last-minute but Max is gonna have a birthday party this Sunday and he would be crushed if Jamie couldn't come.
He's crazy about her.
- Him.
- I'm sorry.
Him.
I've had a few.
Oh, great.
I bet the birthday boy would like a "Martian Sniper Two" video game.
Thank you.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Oh, no, it's not, because I'm telling Mom and Dad.
All right.
What do I have to do? You gotta ask one of your little friends for a pink T-shirt that says "party girl" on it.
No way.
They're gonna think it's for me.
Yup.
- That's a rotten thing to do.
- I know.
And I hate that you're gonna ask the next kid for roach traps and flip-flops.
- What? - Yeah, I got a little insect problem at the house.
- Vic, do you see Octavio? - No.
Just my lunch.
Please, dear God, make the rocking stop.
This is your fishing boat, man.
How could you be seasick? I don't go out in the ocean.
I just putter around Biscayne Bay to impress my friends.
I show them the back of Gloria Estefan's house and then I go home.
I'm gonna lie down.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Hey, I'm throwing chum in the water.
I'm gonna fish.
Are you crazy? You're attracting sharks.
Hey, man, Octavio needs to put one foot on American soil to get asylum.
You know how hard that's gonna be if he doesn't have any legs? Hey, George.
George, look, there's some guys on a raft-box-tire thing.
- Here, guys.
- Over here.
Get closer.
- Octavio.
- Hey, they're waving.
- Octavio.
- Hey.
- Octavio.
- Hey.
- Ge Get the rope and then throw it.
- Vic.
Eh? Get up here, man.
We found your brother.
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
- Get closer.
Get closer.
Yeah, what he said.
Hello.
Welcome aboard, Octavio.
Vic, we did it.
We did it.
We did it, Vic.
Say hello to your brother, Octavio.
That's not Octavio.
Who are you? This is a Haitian.
When you rescue a relative, it's a slap on the wrist.
Where do they slap you when you're caught with a boatload of Haitians? Well, that's considered smuggling.
You go to jail for five years.
Five years? What will I tell Angie and the kids? What am I gonna tell my mom? She thinks I'm at Epcot.
Man, these guys are eating like they never had a pizza bagel before.
Where the hell is Octavio? He radioed me these exact coordinates.
He should be here.
Oh, my God, it's a Coast Guard plane! They found us, George! Dude, that's a pelican.
Man, this is crazy.
We can't go to jail for guys we don't know.
I'm gonna call the Coast Guard, tell them we rescued Haitians and end this.
No, but what if Octavio comes when the Coast Guard is here? Do you know what would happen to him if he was sent back to Cuba? Fine.
We'll keep looking.
- Make sure these guys stay down here.
- Don't leave me.
We're out of food.
What am I supposed to do? I don't care.
Butter yourself up and play keep-away.
Oh, great.
Party girl T-shirt.
Why don't you help yourself to some punch and whatever's left of the cookie? Hey, guys? Mom just called.
She's coming home early.
- We gotta get them out of here.
- We didn't sing or do the cake.
Right.
Okay, kids.
Get over here.
Come on, move it or lose it.
Here we go.
Uh, now, for our song today, we have our own special version and I'm sure that you kids will love it.
All right.
It's your birthday, here's your song Now your song is over All right, blow.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, fell on the ground, can't eat it.
Let's go.
- Hey, we never played any games.
- Oh, right.
A game.
Okay.
We're gonna play a game called Clown Car.
All you clowns are gonna pile into my car, I'm gonna take you home.
Let's go.
Okay.
Here we go.
Hey, I see the coastline.
I have failed Octavio.
Vic, we had to come back, man.
We were running out of fuel.
Come on, we had a good day.
Got some sun, we saved a few Haitians.
Hey, you puked up those 5 pounds you were trying to lose.
Heh.
My brother is floating somewhere in the ocean, and you make the funnies.
Look, man, maybe somebody else picked him up.
I mean, we tried, Vic.
We did our best.
Check it out.
There's another boat of Haitians.
Eh.
And they got a sign that says "Vic Palmero.
" Heh.
That looks like Octavio.
Cut the engine, Ernie.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Octavio.
- Victor.
- Ha! - Octavio.
- Victor.
- I've waited a long time for this moment.
- Your kisses smell like vomit.
I didn't see I didn't see you at the meeting point, so I went for land.
It doesn't matter now.
We're together.
This is George, Angie's husband.
- The one who kept her from college? - Eh.
Octavio, welcome to America.
The land of the free and the home of the brave.
You no longer have to fear an oppressive government.
This is the Coast Guard.
Anchor your vessel.
Swim! Swim for your lives! Swim to the shore! Give the Haitians a head start! - Hey.
Is your mom home yet? - Nope.
Good.
Where are your presents? Hidden under my bed, just like you told me.
Hey, guys.
Max, I know you were disappointed you couldn't get that new video game you wanted so I picked you up a little surprise.
A puzzle.
- A polar bear puzzle.
Ha-ha.
Look.
He's in an iceberg.
All those white pieces are sure gonna be a big challenge.
Sorry, I'm late.
I went to another birthday party with my sister.
My social life's on fire.
Here.
I got you roach traps and flip-flops.
Max, what's he talking about? Grandma threw me a birthday party so I could get presents.
Max.
You faked your birthday? - And you arranged it? - Angie I swear on my son's life.
I got here late.
I had no idea this was going on.
I am as shocked as you.
Benny, I counted on you.
- There has to be an adult here.
- Absolutely.
Next time.
You are grounded.
And you're gonna return all the gifts you got.
- Mom - That's not all.
You're gonna give each kid a toy of yours in return.
Now, before I take him home, apologize.
I'm sorry, Davey.
Here's one of my toys.
A polar bear puzzle.
Now, why am I being punished? Say hello to your little friend.
- How was the trip? - Great.
And I picked up a little anniversary present outside of Miami.
Honey, we weren't supposed to spend any money.
- Close your eyes.
- I What? - Close your eyes.
- Okay.
- Keep them closed.
- All right.
Okay.
Open them.
My little Angie.
Look at you, all grown up.
- Oh, my God.
Uncle Octavio.
- Angie.
- Castro wasn't going to let him leave Cuba.
- No.
I lost all hope of coming.
But this brave man and your father went into the ocean to get me.
They were a little late, and we had to outrun the Coast Guard Killing the moment.
Oh, my God, this is the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me.
Come on, Octavio.
Let's take your stuff upstairs, eh? Tomorrow we'll go to a supermarket and I'll show you peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.
What is peanut butter? What is toothpaste that whitens and brightens? What is hot dog with cheese already inside it? That, mi hermano, is the sweet taste of freedom.
I'm blown away.
I don't even know what to say.
Don't say anything.
I'm sure you got me something just as special.
- Happy anniversary.
- What's this? I made you a mix tape from the year we met.
So I flew across the country, risked my life on the ocean and you give me a tape with "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
" - I'm sorry.
- I love it.
Here's your real gift.
Happy anniversary, baby.
- What is this? - I made it.
But what about Octavio? Oh, Angie, he's family.
I would have done that anyway.
Oh, George.
I love it.
It's lopsided, it's dented Heh.
It looks like a 3-year-old did it.
But I love that it came from your heart.
- It sucks, but it's still better than a mix tape.
- Hey.
You know, if Castro were here right now I would take an old rusty razor, shave that beard off and pour vinegar all over his face.
Ooh, the stinging.
Ha-ha! - If Castro were here right now - Mm.
I would train a pack of dogs just to attack cigars.
Then, when he started smoking, they would destroy his face.
No, if Castro were here right now I would rip his head off with my bare hands and put it on backwards so that he would have to look at his own butt while I kicked it.
- It's go time.
- Aah! You should see your faces.