Gossip Girl s03e09 Episode Script
They Shoot Humphreys, Don't They?
Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.
How have you never heard of Olivia Burke? Endless Knights has made like a billion dollars.
I have been dreaming of coming to NYU, just being a normal student.
This night is over.
And as far as I'm concerned, so are we.
- Where's your better half? - I don't know.
- Well, I can leave.
- It's okay.
Stay.
- I'm not sick.
- You're home early.
- Did something happen? - Ask Jenny.
I'm still your friend and your sister.
We can't let the worlds get confused.
I want nothing to do with you in either world.
Where has she been? And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
Have you been so busy that you've forgotten what time of year it is? Couture, quadrilles and cutthroat competition.
That's right.
It's time for Cotillion.
- This guy's a foot shorter than me.
- Here's one that's 6'2".
Yeah, and he goes to York.
That's practically public school.
Have I not impressed on you three how important tomorrow night is? It's my debut in society.
I have to be perfect.
And that means having the perfect escort.
I told you who I wanted.
- We tried - Well, try harder.
Graham Collins is the hottest guy on the Upper East Side.
There's this bubble of perfection around him we can't penetrate.
You better figure out a way.
Otherwise, tomorrow night I'm taking one of your escorts.
Just like the Mob New York prep schools have their own five families.
You may be the John Gotti of Constance, Little J but that doesn't mean you'll ever be part of this Cosa Nostra.
Oh, my God.
Everyone's here.
Come on, let's go say hi.
I have a surprise for you.
In that case, why are you dressed? That was yesterday.
Today we're seeing the Kandinsky exhibit and having dinner at E.
A.
T.
I'd love to, but I think you've forgotten today is Nate's move-in day.
We're celebrating with a Lost Weekend.
I never signed off on a Lost Weekend.
Do you really think I wanna spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues? It's for Nate.
Anyway, you'll be busy with Cotillion.
- Aren't you a mentor? - And risk running into Serena? No, thank you.
Though it kills me to imagine those poor girls stumbling along without my guidance.
Isn't it about time you and Serena made up? You love Cotillion.
You should be doing it together.
Don't the festivities begin tonight? There's a dinner at the van der Woodsens' for debs and mentors.
- Knowing Serena, she'll probably flake.
- Or she'll be waiting for you apology in hand.
And really, a debutante ball without Blair Waldorf is like the Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.
I resent the comparison to that man-whore though your other point is well taken.
I suppose the charitable thing would be to give Serena the opportunity to beg for forgiveness.
Don't get too lost, Bass.
A lot of my responsibilities from KC's office would translate to this job.
- Event planning, writing press releases - Okay.
"Okay," as in I have the job, "okay"? - What? Just like that? - You make a good case.
Also, I remember our summer relay races at Nate's Hamptons house.
Underneath that smile lies the heart of a killer.
Me? Need I remind you of the potato-sack-race incident of '98? I still have evidence of your unsportsmanlike behavior.
Although given our new circumstances, I may have to forgive you now.
I should probably go.
I'm a mentor at Cotillion this year and my mom asked me to host a dinner at our house.
Of course.
Well, we're here all day every day but I'll see you Monday.
- Great.
Thank you so much for asking me to come in and interview.
Our talk on election night really meant a lot to me.
Me too.
I didn't realize we were hiring.
Could always use another person, right? Think you can get brain damage from learning too much too fast? - No.
- You're the one who wanted a real college experience, cramming for exams.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
No way! Tell me Guinevere will use the Unholy Grail to free Lancelot from Arthur's torture.
Endless Knights 4? - Why didn't you tell me? - Because it's not happening.
- Those rumors have been around forever.
- Warner Bros.
Sent a press release.
- I'll never trust Harry Knowles again.
- Sorry, guys.
Weird.
It's not happening.
If it were true, I'd have about a hundred phone calls about it by now.
Crap.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure it's not true.
Though it would be kind of awesome.
All right, debs, enough socializing.
We have a lot to get through so if you'll please find your escorts and take your places.
Lily, as you know, I don't have my escort situation fully ironed out yet, so Oh, that's okay.
Maximillian here will dance with you today.
He is divine.
It'll be great to have some one-on-one tutoring because I know you have some catching up to do.
Catching up? L This is the first rehearsal.
I know, but the other girls have been taking ballroom for years, so You will be great.
You have your father's natural rhythm.
Um - I'm just gonna get a drink of water.
- Okay.
Hey, Jenny.
Hey, Jenny.
Hi.
You're Kira, right? I'm Eric van der Woodsen.
Our mothers arranged for me to be your escort.
Oh, right.
So humiliating I couldn't get my own date, but thank you.
Well, it'll be fun.
- You're Jenny Humphrey's brother? - That's my new claim to fame.
Those girls who hang out with her are so lucky.
Who's her escort? Well, she's obsessed with getting Graham Collins.
Graham lives in my building.
We've been neighbors forever.
- I could - Not breathe a word.
I know Graham.
I went to Camp Suisse with him.
- I could introduce them myself.
- So why don't you? Because Jenny hates it when other people get involved in her personal life.
- I would stay out of it if I were you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
So you ready to dance? - Sure.
- Just let me get my shoes.
- All right.
Ladies, you have your escort? Very good, we're gonna start from the beginning.
I wanna make her remember why she came to college.
The part that doesn't involve the library or waking with a textbook stuck to your face.
We do that, we have a chance she'll say.
You mean, like the: "15 Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating.
" Yeah, exactly that.
We haven't cheered ourselves hoarse at a sports event.
We haven't gotten sick after a beer pong tournament at Bar None.
Had sex with someone we don't wanna see again.
Well, no, I did that one with Georgina.
But we haven't done any of this.
Falafel at Mamoun's.
Frat party It's for real this time.
My parents, manager, three of my agents are all flying in from L.
A.
On Monday to convince me to do it.
It's like The Sopranos, but with bagels.
They gave you this year for college.
That's what I said, but it doesn't really matter.
They're on the phone with the dean getting him to let me finish classes from location.
- How do I fight that? - By telling them that college is about a lot more than just classes.
- You don't have beer pong on location.
- What? We'll explain on the way.
But your college life begins now.
Very good, let's circle up, guys.
Come on.
Okay, take the hands in a circle eight.
- You don't know the dances.
- No, I do.
L You'd think that it would be enough to just be queen of Constance.
But, no, then you have to be the queen of the entire Upper East Side.
Which means having the perfect escort and I'm just gonna make a complete fool of myself, aren't I? Probably.
You know, I really thought that if I made the perfect debut people would finally forget that I'm just a Brooklyn nobody.
- It helps if you count out loud.
- Eric, you don't have to be nice to me.
I've been so awful to you and Jonathan.
That's true.
But I'm a better person than you are.
- That's also true.
- Come here.
There's one official dance, learn that.
- Eric.
- Stop complaining, start counting.
Ready? One, two, three, four.
Out.
One, two, three, four.
Again.
I wish that you could just be my escort.
Then I'd have fun.
- Let me turn you.
- Okay.
Um Well, what about Jonathan? He's not Graham Collins, but he is a Whitney.
Debuting with Gertrude Whitney's great-grandson will count for a lot.
- Walk.
- Do you think he'd even go with me? Well, he will once I talk to him.
Then I'll have my minions call off the search.
Thank you.
In the complicated world of debutante balls one must choose her dance partner wisely.
You never know when a hand on the hip can lead to a knife in the back.
Excuse me.
- Blair.
- Serena.
- Anything you wanna say to me? - Welcome.
I see.
That's it? Well, there's a list of debs and their mentors on the coffee table.
Find out who Lily assigned you to.
My deb's right here, right, Jenny? Uh, yeah, Serena's my mentor.
Why? Oh, of course, if that's what you want.
It's just a shame.
You know how I feel about your potential.
- Blair, are we really doing this? - I gave you a chance to apologize.
- How about you apologize? - I'm here, aren't I? Okay, look, I have enough of my own problems.
I'm not gonna let you make me a pawn in your war.
War? What? Of course not.
- Who's your escort? - Jonathan Whitney.
Your step-brother's boyfriend? - Do you remember who my escort was? - Nate.
Jenny, when you descend those stairs tomorrow night everyone there will judge you based on that moment for the rest of your life.
This is not like your wedding day.
Cotillion only happens once.
Now, you already have one strike against you because of the Brooklyn misfortune.
Add a B-plus escort, and a mentor who's known more for her mug shots and topless photos than her social graces You're right, Jenny.
You shouldn't be caught between Blair and me.
It's not fair to you on your big night.
She can be your mentor.
It's fine.
- How selfless.
- Actually l'm working for Tripp Vanderbilt, and I should get back to that.
But have fun.
These are the last people in New York who still think you matter.
May I take your coats? No, I'm sorry.
I don't want to.
- Jenny feels bad about what happened.
- Great.
She should feel bad.
- Doesn't mean I have to be her escort.
- She's at the tipping point.
She's not Darth Vader yet.
She could still stay Anakin.
We have to stop her before we lose her to the dark side.
Fine.
But she'd better really wanna do this.
She does.
I promise.
Hey! - Didn't think you were in till Monday.
- My night suddenly opened up and you said you work late.
I thought you might be hungry.
Thanks.
I'm starving.
But are you sure? I mean, it's Friday night.
I'll take real politics over the ones at Cotillion any night.
Joe Wilson has nothing on Blair Waldorf.
- Okay.
- So, what is all this? One speech, 15 drafts.
Is there anything your new media-relations rep can do to help? Well, the speech is about school lunches teacher salaries and term limits.
That's all? Here, let me see.
Oh, watch out for your tie.
Congressman.
I'll come back.
Actually, you know, I have to finish this.
You don't wanna run anything by me? Why don't you go home? Tomorrow, you can meet Brian.
- You'll report to him.
- Okay.
Thanks for the food.
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Kira.
I go to Constance with you.
- Yeah, sure, I've seen you around.
- You have? That's awesome.
Blair Waldorf's your mentor? Who needs Graham Collins when you have her? What do you know about Graham? Eric told me you wanted to go with him.
I called and asked him, and he was totally up for it.
He texted you, but you said you already had an escort.
- What? When? - Today.
Right after you left rehearsal.
Oh, my God.
Did you text Graham Collins that I didn't want him to be my escort? I knew if you had the chance, you'd make the wrong choice.
- That wasn't your decision to make.
- I don't believe this.
Jonathan! Mentee and mentee's step-brother-slash-escort's boyfriend can you please stop embarrassing me? People are staring.
- Eric sabotaged me.
- I was trying to save you.
I don't know why everybody loves Graham so much.
He's a creep.
What? You knew him this whole time? I had a plan, and I should've stuck to it.
I'm going to Cotillion with Graham Collins.
I'll allow it.
Sorry, Eric.
Actually, Blair, since I'm queen of Constance and Graham wants to be my escort I don't need you as my mentor anymore.
Jenny, you're lucky to have me, don't push it.
Your era's over.
And so is that headband.
So should I call Graham? Now that I know he wants to go with me, I think I'll call him myself.
Uh-oh, Little J you've stepped on Eric's toes one too many times.
Whoa.
- She can't get away with this.
- She won't.
Now he's found a new partner.
Who knows what could happen when these two start to tango? Morning.
Oh, I see the moving in went well.
- Hey, Blair.
- Blair.
Excuse the mess.
How was dinner? Did you and Serena work things out? Oh, no.
She took off immediately, thank God.
I had to relieve her of her mentor duties.
Is that pole artist wearing my Agent Provocateur corset? Make sure she's careful undoing the eyehooks.
They pinch.
I just came to grab a dress for tonight.
The last time I saw Blair that freakishly calm Was when Serena left for boarding school.
You know as well as I do the calm won't last.
And when it breaks there are going to be pieces of Blair all over the wall.
And I really don't wanna clean up that mess.
What are she and Serena fighting about this time? Basically, how each one loves the other more than the other loves her.
Can you even fight about that? You might wanna ring housekeeping.
Chocolate leaves a stain.
Toodles.
- Hey.
I didn't realize you were here.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm just about to take off.
I was leaving you a note to check out this new press release.
I'm sure it's fine.
Just show it to Brian when he gets back.
Okay.
Did I do something wrong? No, I just I don't have time to chat.
I'm at work, Serena.
But you're just acting like you don't really want me here or something.
That's not it.
- Well, what then? - This was a huge mistake.
What was? Hiring me? Tripp, I'm sorry, but you asked me to come in for the interview.
If you didn't want me working here, why would you do that? I did want you here.
I find you smart and charming, and I wanted to help you out.
But having you here I didn't realize how much it would affect me.
Say something.
Sorry, um You know what? Don't worry about me.
It's not gonna be a problem.
- I have to go.
- Serena, wait Please.
It's fine.
Excuse me.
I don't understand, how can you make me queen? Simple.
To become queen you must take down the queen.
But I wanna be Jenny's friend.
Kira, let me tell you a story.
I used to have a friend like Jenny.
She was beautiful, fabulous.
She let me make all these sacrifices for her.
Know what I got back? Zero.
Girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes.
- Serena will never like you.
- You mean Jenny.
Details.
Now, are you ready to be queen? Or do I need to find a new frog? We hear Jenny Humphrey has landed Graham Collins as her escort.
Better put on that lip gloss, ladies.
Looks like you'll be kissing Jenny Humphrey's ring by the end of the night.
Goodbye, Jenny from Brooklyn.
Chug, chug, chug! Paris, France to Michigan London town and through Berlin On three.
One, two, three.
Everywhere and back again Oh, God.
- Ugh.
- Ooh! This is even more amazing than dancing in the fountain.
I'll be right back.
Don't do any mind-altering substances without me.
Okay.
All right.
- I think this is gonna work.
- Really? - It's gonna Yeah, she's gonna What? - I knew you were trouble.
Trying to get Olivia to abandon her calling as queen of the undead.
- You think Morgana could take over? - Vanessa.
Sorry, but Lancelot wouldn't let that happen, would he? If the realm falls into the wrong hands, it's on your head.
He means you can kiss your credit rating goodbye.
- Nice V-neck.
- Thank you for coming.
- Those are your people.
- Shut up.
Who's ready for a keg stand? I have to take the movie.
You say hello I say goodbye Somebody to love Even I have to admit, this may just be my makeover swan song.
And not to take anything away from your moment but I'm not sure anyone will think I'm better than Jenny.
They will when they see who your escort is.
But I'm going with Eric.
I mean, he's nice and all, but - Eric's not your escort anymore.
- Then who is? You know Graham Collins, right? Graham? Spin your partner round and round looks like Little J is going down.
No way.
You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.
You look beautiful, Jenny.
I'm just saying, I'll love you, with or without society's approval.
Thanks, Dad, but honestly, I can't wait to walk down those steps.
So I'll see you soon.
Hey, Jenny.
Have you seen Blair? No, not yet.
Fortunately.
I'm looking for my escort, Graham Collins.
He's sort of this year's, I guess, you.
Ha, ha.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Hey, have fun tonight.
Thanks.
I plan to.
Always lead with the right.
And no claw hands.
Relaxed fingers.
Oh, look, a lost boy from Lost Weekend.
Chuck actually sent me to find you.
He has a surprise in the private lounge upstairs.
He says please.
Go.
We've got it under control.
Okay.
But I'm just curious, you never told me.
How exactly did you get Graham to ditch Jenny for Kira? I told Graham what happens at Camp Suisse doesn't stay at Camp Suisse.
Little van der Woodsen, I'm impressed with your natural talents.
And we were good long-distance.
You know, with your sushi-pun text flirting and all that.
I know.
It's easier to be pithy on iChat.
I'm gonna be back next year.
There's too many people depending on me for this.
I grew up on these sets.
This crew is like my family.
I never thought I'd be sad to hear about Endless Knights IV.
When do you have to go? Well, fight choreography starts right away.
With mid-terms over, it makes sense to leave for London next week.
So much for the ultimate college experience.
What? No.
I have had the ultimate experience.
With you guys.
They say that the friends you meet here last a lifetime.
- You wanna get out of here? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
What are you doing here? Waiting for you.
You sent me a text to meet you and keep me waiting for half an hour? I didn't text you.
I lost my phone.
Nate told me to come meet Chuck.
Right.
- Going down.
- Not without me.
- Can you press the button, please? - I pressed the button.
Press it yourself.
Great.
Hello.
I'm trapped with someone who sucks all the air out of the room.
Send help or I'll be dead within the hour.
Not until you two work things out.
Bass? This is a punishable offense.
And not the kind of punishment you like.
I'm only doing what you refuse to do yourselves.
Chuck, this is not funny.
There's a single malt and some Ladurée macaroons in the storage box.
Plenty to sustain you until you two figure things out.
So what did my text supposedly say? That you were sorry and you missed me.
You text me back? Ms.
Jane Cordelia Trapp, escorted by Mr.
Theodore Davis III.
Ms.
Sawyer Harriett Bennett, escorted by Mr.
Evan Jameson Jr.
Miss Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey, escorted by Mr.
Graham Collins.
My apologies.
Miss Kira Abernathy escorted by Mr.
Graham Collins.
No way.
Who's your escort, dear? What just happened? Jenny Humphrey went to a ball I don't I don't know.
Jenny Humphrey had a great fall.
And none of her minions, mentors or friends want to put Jenny together again.
Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm a bitch When I walk my dog I'm a bitch When I sing like this I'm a bitch In disguise I'm a bitch l- T-C-H I'm a bitch l- T-C-H What's her problem? - Jenny, my darling, what happened? - Wanna pick someone else to walk with? It doesn't work that way, Dad.
You only get one chance.
Have you seen Blair? - No.
Sorry.
- She's behind this.
- Because I didn't want her as a mentor.
- What if it's for the best? Don't you think that maybe being queen isn't worth it? You don't understand.
I was gonna walk down those steps and stop having to prove myself.
Let it go, Jenny.
It's over.
That's what Blair thinks.
Hi.
Are you still here? Bitch I-T-C-H I'm a bitch l- T-C-H B- l-T-C-H B- l-T-C-H You went looking for your father? Yeah, and I found him too.
But he didn't want to see me.
What? Why didn't you say anything while all this was happening? I guess I was ashamed.
Your dad adores you.
All your dads do.
And Rufus would do anything for Dan and Jenny.
Even Nate, he may have to go to prison to see his dad but the Captain would never turn him away.
I'm even jealous of Nate's dad.
Not knowing you is your father's loss.
Maybe.
But I just can't seem to let it go.
I keep leaving him messages and writing letters to addresses I'm not even sure are his.
You miss him.
You're allowed.
I don't want to.
All I even remember of him is him going on trips and then coming back and bringing me presents.
And then one day, he didn't come back.
And now, it's like I can't seem to get anything right anymore.
Between Carter and the paparazzi and Brown and And now Tripp.
- Tripp Vanderbilt? - Yeah.
I guess I've kind of had a crush on him.
But it was nothing.
I mean, he's married, and he always treated me like a kid.
But now we work together and tonight - Did something happen? - No, no.
Nothing.
Your text saved me.
But now I don't know if I can trust myself around him.
Then you can't see him again.
Carter was one thing.
But Tripp is a married congressman.
I know.
Serena, promise me you won't see him or speak to him again without coming to me first.
- Okay, I promise.
Thank you, Blair.
If you two wanna kiss it won't count as cheating.
Creepy, Chuck.
Okay, wait.
So you guys used a pre-fab college experience to get me to stay? Hell, yeah.
Shamelessly plucked from the headlines.
- How many did we get through? - I think we got Let's see.
There's the beer Boggle and fountain yoga.
And You know, I think we got a solid 14 out of 15.
So you can go back to London with your head held high.
What? I'm not going with just one more to go.
Come on.
Let's do the last one.
Let's just do it right now.
It can't be worse than the bathroom at Fat Black Pussycat's.
I wouldn't say worse.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
That one.
- Have you ever? - Have l? No.
No.
- No.
Never.
Wait.
No, never.
Have you? - Once.
But it was in a movie, so that doesn't really count.
Not me.
No.
Let's find Nate and Chuck and congratulate them.
- And then torture them.
- May I have your attention, please? Due to extenuating circumstances, we have one last debutante to present.
Ms.
Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey.
She's walking alone? Nobody walks alone.
Escorted by Mr.
Nathaniel Archibald.
A college guy? Nate Archibald is epic.
Well, we found Nate.
Oh, E, you tried to play dirty at the dance.
But you should know, nobody puts Jenny in the corner.
And now she's having the time of her life.
I am down tonight I am down tonight So thanks for saving me again.
You know how these girls are.
I'm glad it worked out.
Nate.
I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming.
- Well, I learned from the best.
- Good answer.
The other queens would like to pay their respects.
- You look beautiful.
Enjoy your night.
- Thank you.
So now what? Wanna get something to eat? Yeah.
But first, I need to stop by Tripp's office to hand in my resignation.
- It's just up the street.
- That's my girl.
I've never really understood Why it was me, why it was you You won't believe who Jenny got to walk with her.
I read all about it on Gossip Girl.
But I didn't come here because of Jenny.
Were you serious on your message? Have you really been scheming with Blair? - I know it sounds crazy, but - So it's official.
- You've sunk to Jenny's level.
- I was doing it to help her.
- It didn't exactly turn out as I planned.
- Really? I'm shocked.
The point is, it doesn't matter.
- She's not worth our time.
- She's not the only one.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
Well, we won't.
Like I said, I'm done with Jenny.
I'm not talking about Jenny.
Jonathan, come on.
- I promise I won't ever talk to her again.
- It's not about Jenny.
It's about who you've become.
I liked you because you were different from everyone else.
You were smart and you knew who you were.
You didn't need to prove anything to anyone.
And now? Um I'm sorry, Eric, but it's over.
I am down tonight Again tonight You were the one who said to restrict our scheming to outsiders.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
And I'm willing to accept my punishment.
In fact, I left a few props up in the lounge.
Sadly, your punishment is going to be an evening without me.
I'm going to spend it with my best friend.
Oh, and if you ever loan out my lingerie again well I just hope you like me in flannel.
Because of you Eric.
I thought maybe you bailed.
Did you see it? It was awesome.
I really showed Blair.
She even admitted it herself.
Yeah.
You really showed her.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about Jonathan becoming collateral damage.
But you understand, right? I had no choice.
And you did lie to me.
A bunch of us are going to Serafina.
You wanna come? - Go celebrate with your friends.
- Okay.
You really put yourself on the radar tonight.
Better not make that mistake again or you'll pay for real.
She can threaten me all she wants, I'm not going back to social oblivion.
Don't worry.
Next time we take Jenny down, it'll be for good.
Some people think that when the party ends the night is over.
But I've found it's when the music stops and the lights come up that the real trouble begins.
Hi.
I'm glad you came.
I want to apologize.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No.
I'm glad you did.
But I don't think it's a good idea for me to work for you anymore.
I actually came here to say that I quit.
I completely understand why you'd want to quit after what I said today but don't throw this away, Serena.
You deserve this opportunity.
And I want you there.
For whatever reason, I trust you.
And I don't have many people I can say that about.
In my work, or my life.
Yeah.
I feel the same way.
And I promise to never cross that line.
We're both adults.
We'll just agree to keep things friendly and professional.
Okay.
Friendly and professional.
Plus, I still owe you for the injury.
Yeah.
Serena.
I mean, Serena.
There you are.
May I speak to you alone for a moment, please? Hey, Tripp.
Blair, it's okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
I'm I'm fine.
I can see that.
- I'm sorry.
She's a little, ha, ha - It's Did you even read my? I still really don't get how these events work.
One chance, two chances.
- Jonathan.
Graham.
Nate.
Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Even I can't explain that one.
I don't think I've seen Jenny this happy since she was 8 and made her first dress.
Thanks, Lil.
I know the committee didn't make it easy for you to let in a Humphrey.
What would we be if we didn't do what we could to make our children happy? - You coming to bed? - Yeah.
In a minute.
Vanya said there's something to sign from Bass Industries.
Okay.
You better get your beauty rest now because it looks like things could get ugly in the morning.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.
How have you never heard of Olivia Burke? Endless Knights has made like a billion dollars.
I have been dreaming of coming to NYU, just being a normal student.
This night is over.
And as far as I'm concerned, so are we.
- Where's your better half? - I don't know.
- Well, I can leave.
- It's okay.
Stay.
- I'm not sick.
- You're home early.
- Did something happen? - Ask Jenny.
I'm still your friend and your sister.
We can't let the worlds get confused.
I want nothing to do with you in either world.
Where has she been? And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
Have you been so busy that you've forgotten what time of year it is? Couture, quadrilles and cutthroat competition.
That's right.
It's time for Cotillion.
- This guy's a foot shorter than me.
- Here's one that's 6'2".
Yeah, and he goes to York.
That's practically public school.
Have I not impressed on you three how important tomorrow night is? It's my debut in society.
I have to be perfect.
And that means having the perfect escort.
I told you who I wanted.
- We tried - Well, try harder.
Graham Collins is the hottest guy on the Upper East Side.
There's this bubble of perfection around him we can't penetrate.
You better figure out a way.
Otherwise, tomorrow night I'm taking one of your escorts.
Just like the Mob New York prep schools have their own five families.
You may be the John Gotti of Constance, Little J but that doesn't mean you'll ever be part of this Cosa Nostra.
Oh, my God.
Everyone's here.
Come on, let's go say hi.
I have a surprise for you.
In that case, why are you dressed? That was yesterday.
Today we're seeing the Kandinsky exhibit and having dinner at E.
A.
T.
I'd love to, but I think you've forgotten today is Nate's move-in day.
We're celebrating with a Lost Weekend.
I never signed off on a Lost Weekend.
Do you really think I wanna spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues? It's for Nate.
Anyway, you'll be busy with Cotillion.
- Aren't you a mentor? - And risk running into Serena? No, thank you.
Though it kills me to imagine those poor girls stumbling along without my guidance.
Isn't it about time you and Serena made up? You love Cotillion.
You should be doing it together.
Don't the festivities begin tonight? There's a dinner at the van der Woodsens' for debs and mentors.
- Knowing Serena, she'll probably flake.
- Or she'll be waiting for you apology in hand.
And really, a debutante ball without Blair Waldorf is like the Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.
I resent the comparison to that man-whore though your other point is well taken.
I suppose the charitable thing would be to give Serena the opportunity to beg for forgiveness.
Don't get too lost, Bass.
A lot of my responsibilities from KC's office would translate to this job.
- Event planning, writing press releases - Okay.
"Okay," as in I have the job, "okay"? - What? Just like that? - You make a good case.
Also, I remember our summer relay races at Nate's Hamptons house.
Underneath that smile lies the heart of a killer.
Me? Need I remind you of the potato-sack-race incident of '98? I still have evidence of your unsportsmanlike behavior.
Although given our new circumstances, I may have to forgive you now.
I should probably go.
I'm a mentor at Cotillion this year and my mom asked me to host a dinner at our house.
Of course.
Well, we're here all day every day but I'll see you Monday.
- Great.
Thank you so much for asking me to come in and interview.
Our talk on election night really meant a lot to me.
Me too.
I didn't realize we were hiring.
Could always use another person, right? Think you can get brain damage from learning too much too fast? - No.
- You're the one who wanted a real college experience, cramming for exams.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
No way! Tell me Guinevere will use the Unholy Grail to free Lancelot from Arthur's torture.
Endless Knights 4? - Why didn't you tell me? - Because it's not happening.
- Those rumors have been around forever.
- Warner Bros.
Sent a press release.
- I'll never trust Harry Knowles again.
- Sorry, guys.
Weird.
It's not happening.
If it were true, I'd have about a hundred phone calls about it by now.
Crap.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure it's not true.
Though it would be kind of awesome.
All right, debs, enough socializing.
We have a lot to get through so if you'll please find your escorts and take your places.
Lily, as you know, I don't have my escort situation fully ironed out yet, so Oh, that's okay.
Maximillian here will dance with you today.
He is divine.
It'll be great to have some one-on-one tutoring because I know you have some catching up to do.
Catching up? L This is the first rehearsal.
I know, but the other girls have been taking ballroom for years, so You will be great.
You have your father's natural rhythm.
Um - I'm just gonna get a drink of water.
- Okay.
Hey, Jenny.
Hey, Jenny.
Hi.
You're Kira, right? I'm Eric van der Woodsen.
Our mothers arranged for me to be your escort.
Oh, right.
So humiliating I couldn't get my own date, but thank you.
Well, it'll be fun.
- You're Jenny Humphrey's brother? - That's my new claim to fame.
Those girls who hang out with her are so lucky.
Who's her escort? Well, she's obsessed with getting Graham Collins.
Graham lives in my building.
We've been neighbors forever.
- I could - Not breathe a word.
I know Graham.
I went to Camp Suisse with him.
- I could introduce them myself.
- So why don't you? Because Jenny hates it when other people get involved in her personal life.
- I would stay out of it if I were you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
So you ready to dance? - Sure.
- Just let me get my shoes.
- All right.
Ladies, you have your escort? Very good, we're gonna start from the beginning.
I wanna make her remember why she came to college.
The part that doesn't involve the library or waking with a textbook stuck to your face.
We do that, we have a chance she'll say.
You mean, like the: "15 Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating.
" Yeah, exactly that.
We haven't cheered ourselves hoarse at a sports event.
We haven't gotten sick after a beer pong tournament at Bar None.
Had sex with someone we don't wanna see again.
Well, no, I did that one with Georgina.
But we haven't done any of this.
Falafel at Mamoun's.
Frat party It's for real this time.
My parents, manager, three of my agents are all flying in from L.
A.
On Monday to convince me to do it.
It's like The Sopranos, but with bagels.
They gave you this year for college.
That's what I said, but it doesn't really matter.
They're on the phone with the dean getting him to let me finish classes from location.
- How do I fight that? - By telling them that college is about a lot more than just classes.
- You don't have beer pong on location.
- What? We'll explain on the way.
But your college life begins now.
Very good, let's circle up, guys.
Come on.
Okay, take the hands in a circle eight.
- You don't know the dances.
- No, I do.
L You'd think that it would be enough to just be queen of Constance.
But, no, then you have to be the queen of the entire Upper East Side.
Which means having the perfect escort and I'm just gonna make a complete fool of myself, aren't I? Probably.
You know, I really thought that if I made the perfect debut people would finally forget that I'm just a Brooklyn nobody.
- It helps if you count out loud.
- Eric, you don't have to be nice to me.
I've been so awful to you and Jonathan.
That's true.
But I'm a better person than you are.
- That's also true.
- Come here.
There's one official dance, learn that.
- Eric.
- Stop complaining, start counting.
Ready? One, two, three, four.
Out.
One, two, three, four.
Again.
I wish that you could just be my escort.
Then I'd have fun.
- Let me turn you.
- Okay.
Um Well, what about Jonathan? He's not Graham Collins, but he is a Whitney.
Debuting with Gertrude Whitney's great-grandson will count for a lot.
- Walk.
- Do you think he'd even go with me? Well, he will once I talk to him.
Then I'll have my minions call off the search.
Thank you.
In the complicated world of debutante balls one must choose her dance partner wisely.
You never know when a hand on the hip can lead to a knife in the back.
Excuse me.
- Blair.
- Serena.
- Anything you wanna say to me? - Welcome.
I see.
That's it? Well, there's a list of debs and their mentors on the coffee table.
Find out who Lily assigned you to.
My deb's right here, right, Jenny? Uh, yeah, Serena's my mentor.
Why? Oh, of course, if that's what you want.
It's just a shame.
You know how I feel about your potential.
- Blair, are we really doing this? - I gave you a chance to apologize.
- How about you apologize? - I'm here, aren't I? Okay, look, I have enough of my own problems.
I'm not gonna let you make me a pawn in your war.
War? What? Of course not.
- Who's your escort? - Jonathan Whitney.
Your step-brother's boyfriend? - Do you remember who my escort was? - Nate.
Jenny, when you descend those stairs tomorrow night everyone there will judge you based on that moment for the rest of your life.
This is not like your wedding day.
Cotillion only happens once.
Now, you already have one strike against you because of the Brooklyn misfortune.
Add a B-plus escort, and a mentor who's known more for her mug shots and topless photos than her social graces You're right, Jenny.
You shouldn't be caught between Blair and me.
It's not fair to you on your big night.
She can be your mentor.
It's fine.
- How selfless.
- Actually l'm working for Tripp Vanderbilt, and I should get back to that.
But have fun.
These are the last people in New York who still think you matter.
May I take your coats? No, I'm sorry.
I don't want to.
- Jenny feels bad about what happened.
- Great.
She should feel bad.
- Doesn't mean I have to be her escort.
- She's at the tipping point.
She's not Darth Vader yet.
She could still stay Anakin.
We have to stop her before we lose her to the dark side.
Fine.
But she'd better really wanna do this.
She does.
I promise.
Hey! - Didn't think you were in till Monday.
- My night suddenly opened up and you said you work late.
I thought you might be hungry.
Thanks.
I'm starving.
But are you sure? I mean, it's Friday night.
I'll take real politics over the ones at Cotillion any night.
Joe Wilson has nothing on Blair Waldorf.
- Okay.
- So, what is all this? One speech, 15 drafts.
Is there anything your new media-relations rep can do to help? Well, the speech is about school lunches teacher salaries and term limits.
That's all? Here, let me see.
Oh, watch out for your tie.
Congressman.
I'll come back.
Actually, you know, I have to finish this.
You don't wanna run anything by me? Why don't you go home? Tomorrow, you can meet Brian.
- You'll report to him.
- Okay.
Thanks for the food.
Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Kira.
I go to Constance with you.
- Yeah, sure, I've seen you around.
- You have? That's awesome.
Blair Waldorf's your mentor? Who needs Graham Collins when you have her? What do you know about Graham? Eric told me you wanted to go with him.
I called and asked him, and he was totally up for it.
He texted you, but you said you already had an escort.
- What? When? - Today.
Right after you left rehearsal.
Oh, my God.
Did you text Graham Collins that I didn't want him to be my escort? I knew if you had the chance, you'd make the wrong choice.
- That wasn't your decision to make.
- I don't believe this.
Jonathan! Mentee and mentee's step-brother-slash-escort's boyfriend can you please stop embarrassing me? People are staring.
- Eric sabotaged me.
- I was trying to save you.
I don't know why everybody loves Graham so much.
He's a creep.
What? You knew him this whole time? I had a plan, and I should've stuck to it.
I'm going to Cotillion with Graham Collins.
I'll allow it.
Sorry, Eric.
Actually, Blair, since I'm queen of Constance and Graham wants to be my escort I don't need you as my mentor anymore.
Jenny, you're lucky to have me, don't push it.
Your era's over.
And so is that headband.
So should I call Graham? Now that I know he wants to go with me, I think I'll call him myself.
Uh-oh, Little J you've stepped on Eric's toes one too many times.
Whoa.
- She can't get away with this.
- She won't.
Now he's found a new partner.
Who knows what could happen when these two start to tango? Morning.
Oh, I see the moving in went well.
- Hey, Blair.
- Blair.
Excuse the mess.
How was dinner? Did you and Serena work things out? Oh, no.
She took off immediately, thank God.
I had to relieve her of her mentor duties.
Is that pole artist wearing my Agent Provocateur corset? Make sure she's careful undoing the eyehooks.
They pinch.
I just came to grab a dress for tonight.
The last time I saw Blair that freakishly calm Was when Serena left for boarding school.
You know as well as I do the calm won't last.
And when it breaks there are going to be pieces of Blair all over the wall.
And I really don't wanna clean up that mess.
What are she and Serena fighting about this time? Basically, how each one loves the other more than the other loves her.
Can you even fight about that? You might wanna ring housekeeping.
Chocolate leaves a stain.
Toodles.
- Hey.
I didn't realize you were here.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm just about to take off.
I was leaving you a note to check out this new press release.
I'm sure it's fine.
Just show it to Brian when he gets back.
Okay.
Did I do something wrong? No, I just I don't have time to chat.
I'm at work, Serena.
But you're just acting like you don't really want me here or something.
That's not it.
- Well, what then? - This was a huge mistake.
What was? Hiring me? Tripp, I'm sorry, but you asked me to come in for the interview.
If you didn't want me working here, why would you do that? I did want you here.
I find you smart and charming, and I wanted to help you out.
But having you here I didn't realize how much it would affect me.
Say something.
Sorry, um You know what? Don't worry about me.
It's not gonna be a problem.
- I have to go.
- Serena, wait Please.
It's fine.
Excuse me.
I don't understand, how can you make me queen? Simple.
To become queen you must take down the queen.
But I wanna be Jenny's friend.
Kira, let me tell you a story.
I used to have a friend like Jenny.
She was beautiful, fabulous.
She let me make all these sacrifices for her.
Know what I got back? Zero.
Girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes.
- Serena will never like you.
- You mean Jenny.
Details.
Now, are you ready to be queen? Or do I need to find a new frog? We hear Jenny Humphrey has landed Graham Collins as her escort.
Better put on that lip gloss, ladies.
Looks like you'll be kissing Jenny Humphrey's ring by the end of the night.
Goodbye, Jenny from Brooklyn.
Chug, chug, chug! Paris, France to Michigan London town and through Berlin On three.
One, two, three.
Everywhere and back again Oh, God.
- Ugh.
- Ooh! This is even more amazing than dancing in the fountain.
I'll be right back.
Don't do any mind-altering substances without me.
Okay.
All right.
- I think this is gonna work.
- Really? - It's gonna Yeah, she's gonna What? - I knew you were trouble.
Trying to get Olivia to abandon her calling as queen of the undead.
- You think Morgana could take over? - Vanessa.
Sorry, but Lancelot wouldn't let that happen, would he? If the realm falls into the wrong hands, it's on your head.
He means you can kiss your credit rating goodbye.
- Nice V-neck.
- Thank you for coming.
- Those are your people.
- Shut up.
Who's ready for a keg stand? I have to take the movie.
You say hello I say goodbye Somebody to love Even I have to admit, this may just be my makeover swan song.
And not to take anything away from your moment but I'm not sure anyone will think I'm better than Jenny.
They will when they see who your escort is.
But I'm going with Eric.
I mean, he's nice and all, but - Eric's not your escort anymore.
- Then who is? You know Graham Collins, right? Graham? Spin your partner round and round looks like Little J is going down.
No way.
You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
Yeah, well, it's a little late for that.
You look beautiful, Jenny.
I'm just saying, I'll love you, with or without society's approval.
Thanks, Dad, but honestly, I can't wait to walk down those steps.
So I'll see you soon.
Hey, Jenny.
Have you seen Blair? No, not yet.
Fortunately.
I'm looking for my escort, Graham Collins.
He's sort of this year's, I guess, you.
Ha, ha.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Hey, have fun tonight.
Thanks.
I plan to.
Always lead with the right.
And no claw hands.
Relaxed fingers.
Oh, look, a lost boy from Lost Weekend.
Chuck actually sent me to find you.
He has a surprise in the private lounge upstairs.
He says please.
Go.
We've got it under control.
Okay.
But I'm just curious, you never told me.
How exactly did you get Graham to ditch Jenny for Kira? I told Graham what happens at Camp Suisse doesn't stay at Camp Suisse.
Little van der Woodsen, I'm impressed with your natural talents.
And we were good long-distance.
You know, with your sushi-pun text flirting and all that.
I know.
It's easier to be pithy on iChat.
I'm gonna be back next year.
There's too many people depending on me for this.
I grew up on these sets.
This crew is like my family.
I never thought I'd be sad to hear about Endless Knights IV.
When do you have to go? Well, fight choreography starts right away.
With mid-terms over, it makes sense to leave for London next week.
So much for the ultimate college experience.
What? No.
I have had the ultimate experience.
With you guys.
They say that the friends you meet here last a lifetime.
- You wanna get out of here? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
What are you doing here? Waiting for you.
You sent me a text to meet you and keep me waiting for half an hour? I didn't text you.
I lost my phone.
Nate told me to come meet Chuck.
Right.
- Going down.
- Not without me.
- Can you press the button, please? - I pressed the button.
Press it yourself.
Great.
Hello.
I'm trapped with someone who sucks all the air out of the room.
Send help or I'll be dead within the hour.
Not until you two work things out.
Bass? This is a punishable offense.
And not the kind of punishment you like.
I'm only doing what you refuse to do yourselves.
Chuck, this is not funny.
There's a single malt and some Ladurée macaroons in the storage box.
Plenty to sustain you until you two figure things out.
So what did my text supposedly say? That you were sorry and you missed me.
You text me back? Ms.
Jane Cordelia Trapp, escorted by Mr.
Theodore Davis III.
Ms.
Sawyer Harriett Bennett, escorted by Mr.
Evan Jameson Jr.
Miss Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey, escorted by Mr.
Graham Collins.
My apologies.
Miss Kira Abernathy escorted by Mr.
Graham Collins.
No way.
Who's your escort, dear? What just happened? Jenny Humphrey went to a ball I don't I don't know.
Jenny Humphrey had a great fall.
And none of her minions, mentors or friends want to put Jenny together again.
Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm a bitch When I walk my dog I'm a bitch When I sing like this I'm a bitch In disguise I'm a bitch l- T-C-H I'm a bitch l- T-C-H What's her problem? - Jenny, my darling, what happened? - Wanna pick someone else to walk with? It doesn't work that way, Dad.
You only get one chance.
Have you seen Blair? - No.
Sorry.
- She's behind this.
- Because I didn't want her as a mentor.
- What if it's for the best? Don't you think that maybe being queen isn't worth it? You don't understand.
I was gonna walk down those steps and stop having to prove myself.
Let it go, Jenny.
It's over.
That's what Blair thinks.
Hi.
Are you still here? Bitch I-T-C-H I'm a bitch l- T-C-H B- l-T-C-H B- l-T-C-H You went looking for your father? Yeah, and I found him too.
But he didn't want to see me.
What? Why didn't you say anything while all this was happening? I guess I was ashamed.
Your dad adores you.
All your dads do.
And Rufus would do anything for Dan and Jenny.
Even Nate, he may have to go to prison to see his dad but the Captain would never turn him away.
I'm even jealous of Nate's dad.
Not knowing you is your father's loss.
Maybe.
But I just can't seem to let it go.
I keep leaving him messages and writing letters to addresses I'm not even sure are his.
You miss him.
You're allowed.
I don't want to.
All I even remember of him is him going on trips and then coming back and bringing me presents.
And then one day, he didn't come back.
And now, it's like I can't seem to get anything right anymore.
Between Carter and the paparazzi and Brown and And now Tripp.
- Tripp Vanderbilt? - Yeah.
I guess I've kind of had a crush on him.
But it was nothing.
I mean, he's married, and he always treated me like a kid.
But now we work together and tonight - Did something happen? - No, no.
Nothing.
Your text saved me.
But now I don't know if I can trust myself around him.
Then you can't see him again.
Carter was one thing.
But Tripp is a married congressman.
I know.
Serena, promise me you won't see him or speak to him again without coming to me first.
- Okay, I promise.
Thank you, Blair.
If you two wanna kiss it won't count as cheating.
Creepy, Chuck.
Okay, wait.
So you guys used a pre-fab college experience to get me to stay? Hell, yeah.
Shamelessly plucked from the headlines.
- How many did we get through? - I think we got Let's see.
There's the beer Boggle and fountain yoga.
And You know, I think we got a solid 14 out of 15.
So you can go back to London with your head held high.
What? I'm not going with just one more to go.
Come on.
Let's do the last one.
Let's just do it right now.
It can't be worse than the bathroom at Fat Black Pussycat's.
I wouldn't say worse.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
That one.
- Have you ever? - Have l? No.
No.
- No.
Never.
Wait.
No, never.
Have you? - Once.
But it was in a movie, so that doesn't really count.
Not me.
No.
Let's find Nate and Chuck and congratulate them.
- And then torture them.
- May I have your attention, please? Due to extenuating circumstances, we have one last debutante to present.
Ms.
Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey.
She's walking alone? Nobody walks alone.
Escorted by Mr.
Nathaniel Archibald.
A college guy? Nate Archibald is epic.
Well, we found Nate.
Oh, E, you tried to play dirty at the dance.
But you should know, nobody puts Jenny in the corner.
And now she's having the time of her life.
I am down tonight I am down tonight So thanks for saving me again.
You know how these girls are.
I'm glad it worked out.
Nate.
I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming.
- Well, I learned from the best.
- Good answer.
The other queens would like to pay their respects.
- You look beautiful.
Enjoy your night.
- Thank you.
So now what? Wanna get something to eat? Yeah.
But first, I need to stop by Tripp's office to hand in my resignation.
- It's just up the street.
- That's my girl.
I've never really understood Why it was me, why it was you You won't believe who Jenny got to walk with her.
I read all about it on Gossip Girl.
But I didn't come here because of Jenny.
Were you serious on your message? Have you really been scheming with Blair? - I know it sounds crazy, but - So it's official.
- You've sunk to Jenny's level.
- I was doing it to help her.
- It didn't exactly turn out as I planned.
- Really? I'm shocked.
The point is, it doesn't matter.
- She's not worth our time.
- She's not the only one.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
Well, we won't.
Like I said, I'm done with Jenny.
I'm not talking about Jenny.
Jonathan, come on.
- I promise I won't ever talk to her again.
- It's not about Jenny.
It's about who you've become.
I liked you because you were different from everyone else.
You were smart and you knew who you were.
You didn't need to prove anything to anyone.
And now? Um I'm sorry, Eric, but it's over.
I am down tonight Again tonight You were the one who said to restrict our scheming to outsiders.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
And I'm willing to accept my punishment.
In fact, I left a few props up in the lounge.
Sadly, your punishment is going to be an evening without me.
I'm going to spend it with my best friend.
Oh, and if you ever loan out my lingerie again well I just hope you like me in flannel.
Because of you Eric.
I thought maybe you bailed.
Did you see it? It was awesome.
I really showed Blair.
She even admitted it herself.
Yeah.
You really showed her.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about Jonathan becoming collateral damage.
But you understand, right? I had no choice.
And you did lie to me.
A bunch of us are going to Serafina.
You wanna come? - Go celebrate with your friends.
- Okay.
You really put yourself on the radar tonight.
Better not make that mistake again or you'll pay for real.
She can threaten me all she wants, I'm not going back to social oblivion.
Don't worry.
Next time we take Jenny down, it'll be for good.
Some people think that when the party ends the night is over.
But I've found it's when the music stops and the lights come up that the real trouble begins.
Hi.
I'm glad you came.
I want to apologize.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No.
I'm glad you did.
But I don't think it's a good idea for me to work for you anymore.
I actually came here to say that I quit.
I completely understand why you'd want to quit after what I said today but don't throw this away, Serena.
You deserve this opportunity.
And I want you there.
For whatever reason, I trust you.
And I don't have many people I can say that about.
In my work, or my life.
Yeah.
I feel the same way.
And I promise to never cross that line.
We're both adults.
We'll just agree to keep things friendly and professional.
Okay.
Friendly and professional.
Plus, I still owe you for the injury.
Yeah.
Serena.
I mean, Serena.
There you are.
May I speak to you alone for a moment, please? Hey, Tripp.
Blair, it's okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
I'm I'm fine.
I can see that.
- I'm sorry.
She's a little, ha, ha - It's Did you even read my? I still really don't get how these events work.
One chance, two chances.
- Jonathan.
Graham.
Nate.
Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Even I can't explain that one.
I don't think I've seen Jenny this happy since she was 8 and made her first dress.
Thanks, Lil.
I know the committee didn't make it easy for you to let in a Humphrey.
What would we be if we didn't do what we could to make our children happy? - You coming to bed? - Yeah.
In a minute.
Vanya said there's something to sign from Bass Industries.
Okay.
You better get your beauty rest now because it looks like things could get ugly in the morning.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.