Happy Endings s03e09 Episode Script

Thank you.
Beer for Alex, Penny, and my boo, and one "surprise me" for Dave.
What is it? Hmm.
Let's see.
Mm-hmm.
I'm getting hints of lingonberry, some bruised fig and - It's my ginger ale.
- A ginger ale.
Oh! What a palate.
Thank you for the drinks, Jane.
Oh, God, it's nothing.
I am rolling in it.
Sold four cars today.
- Wow! - I'm gonna go pay the tab.
- All right, man.
- Come here.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
My baby could sell snow to an eskimo.
And by "snow," I mean cocaine.
Eskimos traditionally don't have a lot of disposable income, so it's a pretty impressive sales feat if you really think about it.
You know what I mean? What I'm saying is I'm proud of my baby.
I love how cool you are with Jane being the breadwinner and you staying home.
It is like postgender city, population progress.
Yeah, you're like, "I'm Brad, and I'm basically a woman.
" "I got an inverted weiner and my boobs squirt milk.
Postgender.
" Okay, let's not get carried away, okay? I'm still all man up in here.
Hey, honey, do you have a pen? Un momento, my dear.
Oh! Mmm.
That's great.
Tissue.
Iron girl.
Can never find anything in here.
Why do you have socks? In case we go dancing.
Mm-hmm.
Aha! Hey, jerks, shut up! Hey, shut up, you jerks! Focus on me, idiots! Why can't I meet a nice guy? I'm nice.
- Not nice.
- Totally off-putting.
- You just stole my beer.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you bought it for me and set it over there.
Guys, I'm in a real man drought right now.
Well, how do you normally meet guys? I don't mean to sound cocky, but they always come to me.
Thanks.
Oh, are you gay? Max, maybe you just need to get out more.
Right.
Out there.
Yes.
So what you're saying is, become a delivery man myself, meet them at their homes, get to paid to have sex and eat free food.
Jane, you beautiful broomstick, I love it, but here is the rub with that.
That basically makes me a prostitute, which means I'm gonna fall in love with the game, and there's no way my pizzeria manager/pimp is gonna let me out of the game.
I mean, I'm his top earner.
Jane, ya dumb lamppost, your plan is garbage! There were people here before.
Well, boo, I am off to the therapist.
I think we are finally gonna get to the bottom of her control issues.
Oh, you know what? Could you call the guy about the dimmer? Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
- Bye, guys.
- Okay.
Bye.
Did you hear that? "Call the guy"? Real men don't call the guy.
Real men am the guy.
That is not English.
That's okay.
The guy you call probably won't speak English either.
Oof.
Sorry.
I just visited my nana.
No, seriously, Jane doesn't think I'm man enough to do stuff like this.
Dude, show her that you are.
Install the dimmer.
I'll help.
I'm pretty handy.
I actually Bob Vila'd the squeak out of a cabinet last week.
You used butter, and then you tried to make croissants and didn't have enough butter and then screamed into a brown bag.
- I know what I screamed into.
- Okay.
God, you women would not know a real man unless he came up and slapped you in the face.
I meant that in-- in a figure of speech kind of way, not a domestic violence kind of way.
Bro, do you want to man it up and install this dim-dog ourselves? Is Val Kilmer my spirit animal? - I don't know.
- You betcha.
So yeah, I wanna man it up.
Yeah! Uhh! Oh, God! Yeah, pump it.
Pump it.
I'm veining out, bro.
- What's happening? - I am veining out.
Good luck on your date.
Your dress is amazing.
Thank you.
And you're gonna love that restaurant.
Actually, let me write down the dish you must get.
Here.
Ribs.
Trust me.
See you later.
Bye! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm gonna die! Me, too! I mean, we all are, but why are we talking about that now? It's sad.
Duh! That's Winnie McCray.
Duh! She's only, like, the biggest pop star on the planet.
"Duh" was the name of her last album? Honestly, I haven't been too interested in music since Smash Mouth left the game.
Well, Winnie sings these, like, cheesy teen love songs, like "Ordinary Love" with lyrics like, "nobody knows what I'm like, but they want to be like me.
" I mean, I think that's how it goes.
I don't know.
"Think I'm on top of the world, but it's on top of me.
" It's so stupid! I'm just like everyone else and I'm looking for-- Mucho barfo.
Ordinary extraordinary love hee, hoo Smash Mouth she ain't.
You do realize that selling Winnie a dress could help out your store big-time? Of course I realize that.
But first, you tell me how you think that's gonna happen, and then I'll probably say the same thing.
- Well, it's PR 101.
- Right.
We tell the paparazzi where Winnie's going on her date, then they photograph her in the dress, and boom! Xela Dresses are the hottest fashion item since bicycle Joe Steroid's little yellow cheater bracelets.
Think about it.
So awesome.
Still thinking.
Well, we don't have all day.
Hang on.
You got it.
No, I was just thinking about Smash Mouth.
Well It's official.
I am retiring from gay.
That's right.
I'm straight now.
From this moment forward, it's gonna be a steady diet of boobs and dudes.
Damn it.
I am no longer interested in men.
I am only interested in men.
Come on.
What? From this moment forward, it will be a steady diet of chicks with-- damn it.
I love guys.
Mm.
My favorite thing to touch is the penis.
Okay, what happened? I went to a gay bar last night, and nobody spoke to me.
Not even a whiff.
Let me guess the name of the bar.
This is so fun.
Manhole.
Backdoor.
Club Tush.
Dreamballs.
Club Tush again.
Is it Club Tush? It was Greg's, Jane.
The gay bar was called Greg's.
Oh, yeah, no, that's-- that's a cl-- that's clever.
- Max, hello! - What? - I just haven't said hello yet.
Hi.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
And also hello, it was twink night at Greg's.
Nobody's gonna hit on you.
You're not a twink.
- I am too a twink.
- What's a twink? - A guy who eats a lot of Twinkies.
- A thin, sweet, smooth pretty boy.
- Oh.
- It's one of our many gay categories.
We have our bears, our queens, our daddies, our sugar caddies, our maple-smoked sausage patties, our Belgian waffles, and of course, our 6-tops.
Fun fact-- those last four are just things that are in this room, but you believed me because you are stupid! Wow.
And what, pray tell, are you? I'm a soft, soft, soft, soft, soft butch.
Well, if I'm not a twink, what am I? Oh, Max, I can't tell you that.
Every gay must find himself himself.
Okay.
I know what you're doing.
You're gay Yoda-ing me.
Wait.
Is that redundant? I have an idea.
Let's all go out tonight and find Max's gay identity.
The gays love me.
I'm a total hag.
You don't think the gays love me? How did you know? I could feel the wind.
The wind of your head shake.
You have nothing in your teeth.
We are so geared up for this man task.
Beef jerky, cheap beer, old-school top-loading boom box.
Hey.
We good on drop cloths? I got 70, but we could always get more.
Hey, you know what's manly? Little handprint on the thigh.
Like you had to wipe off but were too busy to get a towel.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
Ha ha! - Uhh! - Uhh! Careful.
Careful.
Easy.
- Ah.
Whoa! - Whoa.
Whoa.
Hey! Hot stuff coming through! I approve this message.
Yeah! Ha ha! Tweet-twoo! Oh, tweet-twoo to you, too.
Oh.
I didn't realize you guys are going to install the dimmer yourselves.
Mm-hmm.
That's great.
Hey, did you detect any sarcasm when she said, "that's great"? Duh! She pretty much laughed in our faces and dared us to install this dimmer.
Well, let's freaking show her.
Hand me the hammer.
Ohh! You know what? Forgot to get the tools, and the hardware store's closed.
Fresh eyes tomorrow.
Fresh eyes.
I kinda feel bad about spilling the beans on Winnie's date.
If she didn't want people to know she was here, why would she tell you? I just have one of those faces that says, "where are you eating?" 'Cause my mouth is on my face, and that's what my mouth is saying.
Al, she's a celeb.
They're not like real people.
She wanted you to leak it so the press would show up.
It's a dunce.
Okay, she likes this.
I bet if she were to show up right now, - she would be happy and thank us.
Aah! - She's coming out! Winnie.
Winnie.
Over here.
- Over here.
- Winnie, who's your boyfriend? What are you doing in Chicago? Who are you wearing, Winnie? I'm sorry.
This is-- this is really crazy.
I I gotta go.
I'm sorry.
Kyle? What is wrong with you people? Looks like you got a great story for your tabloids! "Winnie gets dumped.
" I have another headline for you-- "Winnie smashes the camera!" Oh.
And I'm wearing a dress by Xela, you (Bleep)! And that's my car.
Aah! Ugh! You promised we were gonna get good publicity.
Now I'm in the middle of a celebrity meltdown that I started.
I'm just trying to run an honest Christian establishment.
Relax.
This is my specialty.
I can spin this, which is why everyone at work calls me the old spinster.
Watch me work.
All right, everybody, listen up.
Penny Hartz, PR Maven.
Yes, Winnie McCray had a meltdown.
Yes, it was right after she bought a Xela dress.
But are those two things necessarily related? Aw, shyeah! Winnie's not the story, folks.
Xela's the story.
What is it about a Xela dress that makes good girls go bad? Hmm? Hmm? - Mm? - What are you doing? I'm doing coy poses.
Go with it.
Is my eyebrow arched? - No.
- Little help? Little help? Hmm? Okay, I have mapped out every gay subculture gathering in the city, and we are going to hit them all until we figure out which of these incredibly specific categories you belong to.
Are you ready to continue your quest, young grasshopper? Just to clarify, "young grasshopper" isn't your gay category, because you don't have the legs, and you old, bitch.
Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh.
Ostrich night.
All my life I've been chasing that dream losing time finding out about Winnie Ginger Snaps.
Oh, oh, oh it's like a movie scene technicolor, slo-mo burstin' into smithereens oh, oh, oh Chameleon night.
Sweet.
This place is empty, Jane.
It's actually at full capacity.
They wanna be like me think I'm on top of the world, but it's on top of me I'm just like everyone else and I'm looking for An ordinary extraordinary love oh-oh, oh-oh Okay, we have had some setbacks, but I just think you need to meet some guys that have the same interests as you.
So tonight features beers and bulls.
- I like drinking beer.
- Uh, yeah.
I love watching the bulls.
Uh, yeah.
I like these guys.
Hey, man.
Where's the bulls game? We're the bulls Oh, no! Lesbians! And this is strictly an Orlando Magic bar.
Why?! It's not a choice, buddy.
I was born in Orlando.
Ugh.
The only Orlando I like starts with Tony or ends with Bloom.
- Aw, you're sad.
- Oh.
Oh, rock bottom.
That's your emotional state, but it's also the name of the next bar we're going to.
Let's go.
Mm Oh! Hey, I think I finally found a stud with the stud finder.
Right here.
Oh, I think there might be one more right here! God! How are we the first people to think of making stud finder jokes? I don't know, but we are! Oh! - Ah.
- Should we finish this thing? Yes.
Together.
Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.
- Not too fast.
- Okay.
Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.
Nice job, my man.
- Aah! - Aah! - Ahem.
- It's cool.
It's cool.
- This kind of thing happens.
- Just clearing my man throat.
Ahem.
Ahem.
- Should I try it again? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Just - Aah! - Aah! Ah! Ah! Ahem.
Yes.
It's nice.
Sweet rebranding! We are working this Winnie meltdown hard.
And usually rebranding doesn't work.
Look at KFC.
Sorry, guys, but you are always gonna be Kitchen Fresh Chicken to me.
I gotta hand it to you, Penny.
You were right.
Well, that's the reason everyone at work calls me undatable, 'cause you can't put a date on the last time I was wrong about a PR-related issue.
Yeah, you really knocked it out of the park this time.
Thank you! It's nice to get some unsolicited recognish from a disgraced pop star.
Hi - All right, bye.
- Bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Bye.
- Bye, everybody.
Gotta go.
Have a good night.
- Thanks for coming.
Bye.
- So - So Nutty times.
It might be possible that we tipped off the paparazzi about your super secret date.
Yeah, I know.
You were the only one I told I was going to dinner.
Well, the good news is, it looks like it worked out for all of us.
Let's call it a night.
No, it didn't.
I really like that guy.
A lot.
Okay, we have to make this up to her.
You're right.
I'll take this one.
Look, Winnie, we are really sorry.
Look, you look chilled, okay? Why don't you put on this special edition jacket, all right? Here you go.
No, okay? This is enough.
Winnie, we are really genuinely sorry.
I just saw a PR opportunity, and I went full speed ahead like a runaway train, which is why everyone in my office calls me an absolute train wreck.
Wait.
I'm starting to question these loving nicknames.
Finally.
Anyways, we didn't mean to hurt you.
We just never think of celebrities as real people.
It's okay.
Celebrities don't think of you guys as real people either.
You shouldn't.
We're garbage.
I believe we proved that tonight.
Uh, yeah, we did.
I just wish I had a little privacy sometimes so I could date a nice, normal guy like Kyle.
But I guess I can't.
Wow.
You really are just a girl looking for ordinary extraordinary love.
And you know what? So am I.
And funny fact, I actually wrote a similar song once-- some might say better.
It was called "Give a Penny, Take a Penny.
" Give a Penny, take a Pen-- Please don't sing.
I hate music that's not mine.
Looks like the paparazzi found me.
Ooh.
So I might've texted them that you were here, but that was our heartfelt resolution, so I know.
Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like me? No.
I have an idea based on our uncanny resemblance.
Max! Are you ready to continue your long gay's journey into night? I guess it comes to this.
- No! - Max! - No! No.
- Max! Ew! I don't fit into any of the gay subcultures.
I'm too hairy to be a seal.
I'm too seal to be a hairy.
So I'm just gonna shave down for Power SEAL night at Club Tush.
I knew there was a Club Tush.
Max! Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max.
Max, Max, Max! Max.
Max.
Max.
Max! Max.
Max! What?! Just please tell me what I am.
I don't know, all right? I thought you would figure it out, then I would take credit for it, but You're like Anne Hathaway's accents.
You're all over the place.
He is right.
According to my math, you are 10% panther, and 40% body fat.
I guess no one will ever love me.
Now I know how webisodes feel.
But, Max, you're actually lucky to not be in a category.
I've been pigeonholed ever since I came out of my mom.
You know, I looked back and I said, "I'm never gonna get near one of those things again.
" - Mm! Mnh-mnh.
- But I'm not complaining.
I love being incredible.
But do I wonder what it would be like to be less incredible? Well, of course I think deep stuff like that.
I'm incredible.
Don't bend to fit other people's groups.
Make your own.
You know what? You guys are right.
Bring it in.
- Oh! Mmm.
- Mmm! Is that whipped cream? No, it's actually Greek yogurt.
- Oh.
- It's the closest shave you can get from a yogurt.
Oh.
Mm.
It's probably a circuit breaker.
Yep.
That's what I was thinkin'.
Circuit breaker.
The ol' CB.
Can't leave with circuit breakers, can't live without 'em.
You don't know what a circuit breaker is, do you? Whoa, bro.
Whoa.
- You questioning my manhood, bro? - Maybe.
You didn't even know the difference between a phillips head screwdriver and a-a screwdriver with the other head.
So you know what? I am way more of a man than you.
That is malarkey, sir.
- Malarkey? - Yeah.
That is flat-out malarkey.
- Sir, I do doth protest.
- I don't protest, all right? - I am way more of a man than you'll ever be! - Not true, man.
Aah! Aah! Jane, I'm winning the man-am games.
I deadlifted this plate chair six times.
I broke the five times barrier.
David? Okay.
"Arm wrestling.
Toaster toss.
Naming types of sharks.
" Guess who won that.
What is this? Like a pissing contest? Oh, I already won that event.
Oh.
The limo's here.
Okay, so you're just gonna get out there and go right in it.
Right.
And then the paparazzi will follow.
Do I look like Winnie? Now you do.
Get out! - Okay! - Go! - Okay! Okay! Okay! - Go! Go! Go! Here she is! Ohh! Uhh! It's not even her.
How could I have hit my big head again? My big head is so big.
Thanks, Dave.
Okay, nobody knows that you're here.
And this time, your secret is safe.
I promise.
So enjoy your secret date.
Hey, Winnie.
Miss McCray, Alex has specifically requested that you not be given VIP treatment tonight.
That would be lovely.
Thank you.
There's only one problem-- here at Steak Me Home tonight, everyone is a VIP.
Ugh.
Dave.
I'll drive.
So cute.
Look, I know you're mad, but the only reason I even did all this is because you've been making me feel insecure about my manhood.
Brad, don't get freaked out because I am making mad coin at the car dealership.
I'm stressin'.
This manhood stuff is all in your head.
I mean, you could not be acting more like a man right now-- stupid, stubborn, and smelly.
Seriously, did you power wash this place with farts? So you're saying I'm a man? Oh, you are all man.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Hey-o! Damn it! It's just you guys.
What? We're here to support you.
Yeah, it can't be easy to start a new gay subculture with one day's notice and, knowing you, a completely bungled marketing strategy.
I put an add in "The Sacramento Bee.
" Looks like we got here just in time.
Your banner's crooked.
- Let's do this, bro.
- Yeah.
Ha ha! Excuse me.
Is this optimistic red-velvet walrus night? Oh.
Yeah.
- Yes, it is.
- Great.
What is that? Well, I don't know.
I made it up.
Why would you come then? I don't know.
I don't really fit into those other categories, so I thought I'd give this one a shot.
I-I'm Max.
- I'm Alan.
- Awesome.
Alan.
That's cool.
That's a good name.
Guys! That might be an optimistic red-velvet walrus.
Oh, man, this place is empty.
But I'll bet it's all gonna work out.
Ha ha ha! Okay, let's do this.
What's my gay category? Okay.
You're a twink, but I've seen you eat, so you're a sloppy twink-- - which is not as much fun as it sounds.
- Mm.
Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud, and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating? Bitch, you are a hag! Well, I used to be a beard, so I'll take that as a win.
I thought I was a hag.
Nope.
You're a top, plain and simple.
Damn right I am.
Oh! I know what I am.
I am a scruffy power bottom, because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.
Your reasoning is wrong, but your conclusion is correct.
Do me! Do me! Oh, would that I could.
Would that I freaking could.
Um - Damn! Damn! - Aah! Aah! - Ohh! - Damn! Damn!