Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e09 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(CYMBAL CRASHES)
MR. SIMMONS: Class,
I hope you all share
my excitement for
the Park A aptitude test.
I took this test
when I was your age,
and that's when
I discovered my lifelong
passion for teaching.
Criminy,
what a throw pillow.
I hope I get the kind of job
what comes with a uniform
and a big paper hat.
Stinky, you're an idiot.
Boys and girls, please,
write your names on
the outside of your folders.
MR. SIMMONS: Harold, put your
liverwurst sandwich away now.
(HAROLD BURPS)
Or I'll be forced
to take it away.
But I'm hungry.
Now Harold.
All right, class.
Let's get started.
And remember,
even though this test
will help you determine
what you'll be doing
with the rest of your lives,
whatever the outcome,
you are all special to me.
Would you rather build a model
of a ship with matchsticks
or watch an ant farm?
Would you rather visit
an art museum
or make a map
of the northwest territories?
Hmm.
Well, time for my trusty
purple pen.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
(WHISTLES AND KISSES)
(CLOCK TICKS)
(BELL RINGS)
Lunch time! Yeah!
(AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYS)
Eugene, I wanna trust you
to collect everyone's
tests and put them on my desk.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
What-- Ow!
Oh, gosh!
What have I done?
I'm sure, I won't get a wink
of sleep until we find out
the test results, Helga.
Don't sweat it Phoebs.
You'll end up being
a scientist or something.
Of course,
I'll have my own ball team.
And I'll probably write
a bunch of books
and become a powerful
money-hungry-land-baron.
And Harold here,
Harold will become a doorman,
if he can ever
master the technique.
Pu--uu-pull!
I get it.
Ow!
MR. SIMMONS: Boys and girls.
Here are the exciting results
of your aptitude tests.
Many of you are suited
for careers you may
never have imagined.
Arnold, for example,
would make a wonderful
Ambassador to a foreign land.
And Phoebe, would make
an excellent neurosurgeon.
And Harold,
congratulations on the most
outstanding test scores for
a fourth grader
since Olga Pataki
took the test.
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, no, seriously.
Harold, you can consider
a multi-faceted career
in international
business affairs,
political science
and Elizabethan poetry.
You can do anything.
I don't get it.
You mean I'm smart?
Hey, everybody!
I'm smart.
Harold?
Harold can do anything?
Then it's obvious,
I'm going to be the first
Nobel Prize winning
female president
with the power
to see through walls.
A woods person?
What the heck
is a woods person?
We used to call 'em "woodsmen"
back where I come from,
although that's politically
incorrect.
Is this some kind of a joke.
Like I'm supposed to be some
kind of simple mountain girl?
Who else got woodsman
for their careers?
I did.
I got talk show host
side-kick.
I got choreographer.
Ho!
And nobody thinks there's
anything strange about
me getting woodsman?
Perhaps, the test results
indicate that someone
with your dominant aggressive
personality is best suited
to solitaire occupation with
a physical outlet
for your expressions of rage.
(GROWLING)
Or perhaps not.
ARNOLD: Guess it's time
to start reading up
on politics.
GERALD: Oh, ho, ho, ho!
You are correct sir.
And stop acting like
a talk show side-kick.
GERARD: Touche, sir.
Cool!
The Peter batch go bananas.
If you're so smart,
you could probably read
real hard stuff.
Hey, yeah!
Maybe I could.
Ornamental horticulture.
Willikers,
you can read it.
When designing a topiary
Woodsman. Huh, woodsman!
I'll show you woodsmen.
I'll be the biggest
nature loving mountain girl.
A 'park A' aptitude test
ever suck.
A five, six, seven, eight--
So this has all been
a huge mistake
and my obsessive poetry
isn't the savage,
well observed pain
of a tormented artist.
(SIGHS)
I might as well face it.
I'm just an ordinary,
9-year-old girl
living an ordinary life.
Harold is a genius, Morty.
No, this isn't a joke.
He got the most outstanding
test scores in class.
How do you explain
the fact, that it always
seems to take longer
driving to some place
than it takes to drive home.
It's the build up of longing
and anticipation.
Kind of the same theory
as me waiting for that
chocolate cake you baked, Ma.
Ah! Oh, the cake!
Oh, my poor darling
genius! I forgot.
It's a bright
and beautiful future, Harold.
I know! There's gonna be cake.
HELGA: Ma! Pa!
I've done thunk it over.
From now on, I'll be no more
poem writing for me.
I'm fixing to work
with my hands.
Like simple country folk.
Ya, ya, ya! Great, Helga.
Now move, I can't see the TV.
Looking through my diaries
makes me powerful sad,
so I want you to put this
here box in the attic.
Pipe down girl. How can I
watch my beeper commercial
with you yaking away?
I reckon,
you don't give a hoot.
Hey, grab me a tall
frosty one, Helga.
It's yahoo time.
(TV AIRING COMMERCIALS)
Helga, I'm afraid
I don't understand
your behavior.
It ain't hard to figure.
I don't need no fancy markets,
no store bought food.
I'm going to live
right off the land.
(SNIFFING)
(CHEWING)
Huh?
HELGA: It ain't so easy
as it looks.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'm still online, Ma.
My mentor pal said,
you should buy
some mutual funds
before the market closes.
Who directed this concerto?
He has a lively approach.
Hey! How come you didn't
show up for practice, Helga?
Ain't got the time,
you weird looking city boy.
I'm making me a bird house.
Helga, if you take that
stick away, don't you think
it will fall apart?
Why, don't be a darned fool.
Aww, shucks!
Harold, you missed practice.
Sorry guys. I'm--
I'm really busy.
Look!
My dad and I are gonna
bring out the full potential
of our rooftop
by building a gazebo
in this corner,
and creating a Japanese
Bonsai garden at the other end.
Did you think this up
yourself?
I was inspired
by the Taj Mahal.
It's in my young genius'
guide to India.
Is this my imagination,
or is there something
really weird happening
in the neighborhood?
Ho, ho, ho!
You are correct sir.
Stop it!
This really helps
to pass the time.
Oh, yeah! The hours go flying
by when you reduce the scope
of your entire world
to all the stuff you can make
out of a crumby pine cone.
If the train is going
60 miles an hour
and the next station
is 200 miles away,
how long will it take
to reach that station?
I know,
it's a division problem.
HAROLD:
200 divided by 60, which is
Three and one third hours.
(CHEERING)
Excellent!
Don't you think
it would be fascinating
to hear Harold's views
on world events?
I reckon. Uh-hmm.
Helga, maybe you can help us
with the next word problem.
If the train left Penn Station
at 3 o'clock,
what is its time of arrival?
Beats me.
We simple country folk
don't take the train.
Now,
Helga you're not even trying.
It seems to me
you haven't been
very "You" lately.
I'd like to see you
after school.
You know Helga,
ever since you took
the aptitude test,
you've been acting
very differently.
Well, this be the real me
Mr. Simmons.
Simple as pie.
Helga, I just don't understand.
Look, why should I torment
myself writing poems
about a certain irresistible,
enigmatic football headed
Whoa Nelly, I'm overheating
my tiny mind.
I ain't one of them
book smart, fancy pants.
I'll be happy making
slumgullion and possum pie.
Picking my teeth
under the lean-to.
Helga, where did you get
the idea that people from
the country all talk like that?
From the Clampett's.
You know, Jed, Elly May--
Helga, you are taking this test
much too seriously.
It's supposed to be
a guideline, not
the deciding factor
in your career choice.
Only you can choose
your future, Helga.
I'd like to jaw with you more,
but I got widdlin' to do.
You can talk about all them
high-brow ideas with
the right smart fellows,
like Harold Berman.
Yes, Harold's test
was a mystery too.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
(EXCLAIMING IN HORROR)
It's a giant H!
I must've graded so many tests
that I didn't catch this.
This is obviously
not Helga's work.
Huh! Purple ink?
Oh, my word!
I made a terrible mistake.
Innocent children's lives
are hanging in the balance.
MR. SIMMONS:
So actually, Helga's results
were quite exceptional.
I'm deeply sorry
for the heartache
this must have caused you--
Fine, fine, whatever.
Is this going to cost me
anything?
No, of course not.
Good. We got the wheel
comin' on in a couple
of minutes,
so you know the way out, huh!
What a throw pillow.
I knew it.
I'm a literary giant.
I can be anything
I want to be.
Thank heavens I didn't
throw away my poems
and diaries.
They'll be collector's items
some day.
Portrait of the artist
as a girl genius.
Oh! (SCREECHING)
HAROLD: Ahhhh!
I'm dumb as a rock.
I'm dumb as a bag of hammers.
No,
you still don't understand.
You didn't actually take
the test, Harold.
You answered every question
by filling an E.
Take a hike in the woods.
I want you to think
about something.
You did much better
in school this week because
you believed in yourself.
Hey! That's right.
So I can go ahead
and build the gazebo
on the roof.
HAROLD: If you still
like the idea, Dad.
It's a good idea, Harold.
HELGA: Arnold, you idiot.
I've always worn it.
I've always loved you.
My darling.
My darling, kiss me!
My darling! We're so shaped,
all for this.
Wandering the dismal
deserts of my tormented soul.
ARNOLD: I'm telling you,
Gerald. Today this kite
is going to fly.
You keep saying that Arnold.
But it never does.
You gotta have faith.
Things change.
OSKAR: Look buddy,
I told you, I don't
have the money.
I had to use it to pay
for my mother's hip operation.
(GLASS BREAKING)
MAN: You little weasel.
I'm giving you one week
to come up with the cash,
or else
OSKAR: Or else what?
(THUD)
OSKAR: Okay,
I get the picture.
OSKAR: You're a big man,
aren't you?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(BELL DINGING)
(WHISTLE)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
That Oskar Kokoshka.
He's always getting
into trouble.
Doesn't he have
a job or anything?
Oskar? I don't think
he's ever had a job.
I gave you $100 two days ago.
Suzie, you know I had to use it
to pay the phone bill.
Oskar, they cut off
our phone service
this morning.
I know,
it's a terrible mistake.
We should sue.
Oh Oskar, that just
doesn't make any sense.
OSKAR: Tell me about it.
So, can I have the $50?
I don't have $50.
We've already spent my paycheck
this week.
What about your overtime?
I work 20 hours a week
overtime already.
How many more hours
do you want me to work?
How about 25?
Oskar!
Ernie, how's the demolitions
business?
What do you want, Kokoshka?
What makes you think
I want something?
It hurts me when you say
things like that.
Well, okay then, I--
What is it?
Well, I just came
to tell you, to tell you,
that I love you buddy.
Come on,
give Oskar a hug.
That's nice Oskar.
I like you too.
In a-- In a brotherly
sort of way.
Well, that's all
I wanted to say.
Sorry Oskar, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
You should be
more careful next time
before you go around
judging people.
Oh, by the way,
could I borrow 50 bucks?
You're a bum Kokoshka.
A lousy bum.
You'll never change.
Yeah, okay.
So how about the 50?
Eh!
Mr. Hyunh, how's my fellow
immigrant good buddy.
Yeah, how's it going?
You'll not get
any money from me.
You're no good Oskar.
No good at all.
Grandpa!
Well, I guess there's
just only one thing to do.
Mr. Kokoshka?
Ah! (SCARED)
What are you doing?
Oh, Arnold!
I was just trying to, to fix
the washing machine.
But it's not broken.
Okay, great. My work is done.
You weren't by any chance
trying to borrow quarters
from the machine, were you?
Oh, come on.
What are you talking about?
Of course not.
I don't need money.
I got plenty of money.
The last thing I need
is money.
(SOBBING)
Arnold, I need money.
I'm desperate, little buddy.
You gotta help me.
(SOBBING)
What can I do?
You're always
helping people, Arnold.
I see you doing it
all the time.
Look, if you're really
that desperate,
I've got an idea
how you can get some money.
Oh, Arnold!
I'll do anything.
You could get a job.
Get a job, Arnold?
You're talking crazy,
listen to yourself.
It's not that bad,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Yeah, okay.
But I never had a job before.
That doesn't mean
you couldn't get one now.
I don't know how
to find a job, Arnold.
Unless you help me.
Are you really sure
you wanna work?
Well, if it's the only way
I can make money then
I guess I have to do it.
Okay, I'll help you.
Tomorrow morning, I'll get
the want-ads, it's worth
to look for a job for you.
Okay, Arnold. You're a pal.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, Mr. Kokoshka,
the coin box?
What? Oh! Heh, heh, heh!
Yeah, that's funny.
It got in my pocket somehow.
There must be hundreds
of jobs in here.
I'm sure by the end of the day
we'll find one that's
perfect for you.
Yeah, just make sure
it's a job that pays
a lot of money.
With not too much work.
Oh, and a big beautiful
secretary, okay?
Let's see.
You're 38 years old
and you have an eighth grade
education.
I was fourteenth in my class.
Out of how many?
Fourteen. (LAUGHING)
Tell me,
are you good with your hands?
Oh yeah,
I'm very good with my hands.
Look, I can do this.
It sounds like a--
I know what it sounds
like Mr. Kokoshka.
I'm sorry, I don't think
we have an opening for a man
with your unique
qualifications at this time.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
You're kidding right?
No, it's not a joke.
He really wants to work.
He's 38 years old.
He's never had a job.
And you expect me to hire him
as an X-ray technician.
Get outta here.
Don't worry Mr. Kokoshka.
Something's bound to turn up.
Yeah, but where Arnold?
That's the last job
on the list.
Hey, come on!
Okay, son.
When can you start the job?
Oh, it's not for me,
it's for him.
How many sick days do I get?
Him? Isn't he a little old
to be a paperboy?
He'll work really hard,
I promise.
Well, everything in my bones
tells me, I'm making
a big mistake.
But I need a carriers bad.
You pick up the papers
at 4 a.m. each morning.
Bundle em' and deliver em'
to the addresses on this route
by 6 a.m. sharp.
He got the job?
He got the job.
Thanks a lot.
How many sick days do I get?
This is a big responsibility.
You have to be up
every morning at 4 o'clock.
Are you sure
you can handle that?
Yea, sure, no problem.
Don't worry about a thing.
(ALARM BREAKS)
Oscar! Uhhh!
Hey Arnold! Hey!
(YAWNING)
What is it?
Mr. Kokoshka!
It's a quarter after 4.
The newspapers.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Ah, listen Arnold,
I can't work today.
I got sick last night.
You're sick?
Oh, yeah, real sick.
I got the-- a-- Chinese
stomach flu.
It's really bad. Ohh!
It's your first day
on the job.
I know,
talk about bad luck.
Well, I guess I can deliver
your papers today.
Oh, Arnold!
That would be great.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, and I hope
you feel better.
Me too.
But don't count on it.
I'm sick like a dog.
Oh, ho, ho! (FAKING CRY)
(DOG BARKS)
OSKAR: More pancakes Grandma,
I could eat a horse.
Mr. Kokoshka?
Keep them coming.
I'm going for a record.
(LAUGHING)
I thought you had
the stomach flu.
Ohh! (CHUCKLES)
Well, you know the second
you left, I felt so much better.
It's a miracle.
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
(ALARM RINGING)
Hey Arnold, hey Arnold!
(YAWNING)
Mr. Kokoshka, it's 4:30.
You've got newspapers
to deliver.
Oh, yeah!
Listen, Arnold,
you won't believe
what happened.
I threw out my back
last night.
Oh! I can barely move.
But don't worry,
I'll still deliver
the papers.
Are you okay?
(MOANING)
Yes, sure I'll be all right.
I have to do my job.
Can you work
with your back like that?
Probably not.
But if I don't do it, how can
the papers get delivered to all
the good people of the city
waiting for important news
about the world.
I guess I could deliver
your papers today.
Well, okay, if you insist.
Oh, the pain!
(DOG BARKS)
He he he!
Dip me, Grandma.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, Valentino!
You dance divinely.
OSKAR: Back at you,
crazy legs.
(DOOR OPENS)
ARNOLD: Mr. Kokoshka!
Oh, hi Arnold!
Do you wanna cut in?
I thought you threw
your back out.
It got better
all of a sudden.
Oh! Oh!
Go figure,
it's another miracle.
Whoa!
Mr. Kokoshka,
I need to talk to you.
Okay, but not now Arnold.
I'm dancing.
Now!
Arnold, where is the fire?
Look, you wanted me
to help you get a job
and I did.
Yeah, you did.
Good for you.
I'll be right back,
my beautiful Fatima.
Your first day on the job,
you said you had
the stomach flu,
and today you said
you had a bad back.
What's your point?
My point is, are you going
to have another excuse tomorrow?
Or are you going to do
your own job instead of
making me do it for you?
Arnold, of course I'm going
to do my job.
Don't worry.
Good.
Well, I can't tomorrow,
it's a national holiday
for my old country,
I forgot to tell you.
That's it!
I'm tired of all your excuses.
Arnold, you seem
a little cranky. Maybe,
you should take a nap.
Look, I only helped you
because you said
you were desperate.
You said you wanted to change.
I guess I was wrong.
Mr. Kokoshka, I'm sorry.
But you are a huge loser!
I told ya, that Kokoshka
is a class A bum.
A class A bum!
He's just no good.
I'm telling you Hyunh,
that bum will never work
a single day in his life.
No!
You wanna go watch
Grandma vacuum?
Yes, okay.
I'm sorry about Oskar,
Arnold.
I just wish for once,
he'd do what he says
he's going to do.
But I guess that just
won't ever happen.
I know. I thought he really
wanted to change.
ARNOLD:
But he was just fooling us all.
Just like he always does.
So everybody think
they know me so well.
But what do they know
about Oskar?
Nothing!
I can do a job,
sure I can. I'll show them.
Tomorrow morning I'm going
to deliver those papers.
Then they'll see.
(GRUNTS)
Hey!
Ah! (CRASHING)
(MEOWS)
(DOG BARKS)
Ah!
(GASPING)
Mr. Kokoshka?
(SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION)
You didn't!
Did you deliver the newspapers?
Yeah, you bet I did Arnold.
I showed you I can do a job,
okay?
That's great, Mr. Kokoshka.
Maybe for you.
But it almost killed me.
Look, a tiny dog bit me
in my pants.
What's going on Kokoshka,
you bum? What are you up to?
Doing his job, Mr. Potts.
I don't believe it.
Quit kiddin' around.
You can believe it. It's true.
You don't think I can do a job.
Well, I just did it.
So take that to the bank, okay?
It's a miracle.
Never thought I'd seen the day.
I worked two whole hours
and I'm exhausted, but I did it.
We're proud of you,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Yeah, sure.
But I bet you can't
do it again tomorrow.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I show you.
I'll do it tomorrow
and maybe even the next day.
I bet you 10 bucks you don't,
Kokoshka.
OSKAR: Make it 20.
Put your money
where your mouth is.
MR. POTTS: Twenty one!
OSKAR: What do you mean, 21?
OSKAR: Why don't we
make it 100?
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)