Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e09 Episode Script
Hot Money
( theme song playing ) Everything ready, Schultz? Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Lilacs in autumn.
Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours.
That's in a few minutes.
Are the prisoners all accounted for in the barracks? Jawohl, herr Kommandant.
I even got extra guards.
The prisoners are sleeping peacefully like little children dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home and seeing Schultz, I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
It must be something important.
Klink's out there with Schultz.
He never comes out of his quarters at night.
I think Old Blood and Guts is afraid of the dark.
They've been getting that building ready for a week.
Yeah, ready for what? They wouldn't go to all this trouble unless Wait a minute.
A staff car and a truck.
I just can't figure it.
What's in those boxes? LeBEAU: Guns? Ammunitions, maybe.
No, the boxes are the wrong shapes.
Why those civilians, and why are they guarding this stuff, whatever it is? Gentlemen, I'm curious.
Well, you can't get out there.
Yeah, we'd never pass the Kraut guarding the door.
Yeah, there must be a way.
Think for a minute.
Hey, I got a solution, sir.
Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business? He always comes up with something, doesn't he? Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And, if somebody stops us, we just say we're going for a walk.
Just like that, huh? Sure.
Casually.
It's got to work, because it's simple.
It's so simple, you go ahead and do it.
Me? Yeah, it's your idea.
Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.
Right.
Just put it anywhere.
( all shouting ) Eight, gentlemen, Eight is the point.
Oh! Well done, here.
Big eight is what we're after.
Howie does eight.
Hey, what about the odd way? That would be two fours for those of you who are not in the regular army.
( laughter, indistinct chatter ) Oh, you give back the card.
Come on, Carter.
All right, come on, come on, come on.
( indistinct excited chatter ) What's going on in here? We're having a community sing.
( quiet laughter ) With money and dice? Uh, well, it makes the slower songs a bit more interesting, Schulzty.
( laughs ) ( mimics laughter ) You're gambling! Ah, you could put it that way.
This is against regulations.
I have to report you all to the Commandant for breaking the rules.
Aw, come on, Schultzy.
( mutters ) Ja! What's the point? Ten.
Big ten.
( laughs ) You're very lucky I have to get evidence Oh, hold it, hold it.
before I report you all.
( humming ) ( whistling ) MAN: Wow.
( clears his throat ) Mmm! Mmm! It's real enough, isn't it? ( clears throat ) Right.
You're covered, Schultzy, and the best of Germanic luck to you.
( indistinct chatter ) Good luck.
The point is ten, and he's rolling for a ten.
And he made it! ( cheering ) Come on, that's great.
Well done.
We'll play him out here.
And I think Yes, uh ( knocking on table ) ( quiet chatter ) You lose, Schultzy.
( chuckles ) Easy come, easy go.
Ha! Ha-ha! Got a new shooter, ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing Sergeant Schultz, Germany's answer to Nick the Greek.
Good luck to you.
A big roll of cash? He's got a fistful of them, and he's betting like a rich dentist.
It looks all right, feels all right.
Where would Schultz get Yankee money? You never know with the Germans.
Hey, Colonel, take a look at this.
It's General Grant, all right-- you can tell by the beard-- but look at the words "Federal Reserve note.
" Hey, the second "E" in "Federal" is out of line.
You got it.
So what does that prove? Well, every bill is inspected before it's put into circulation.
They would have found that mistake and destroyed the plate.
It's a phony.
Good one, though.
( indistinct chatter ) Holy cow.
Schultz is betting these.
A British five-pound note? Schultz? Newkirk got so excited, he almost put the straight dice back in the game.
We can't have that.
That's a dangerous precedent.
Is this a fake? Well, if the $50 bill's a phony, can this be far behind? Let's break up the game.
( crickets chirping ) Colonel Hogan, you won't tell Commandant Klink? Like a flash.
You walk in here loaded with fake money, trying to break the game.
But, Colonel Hogan, they told me it was a community sing.
Come on.
Where did you get the crazy money? ( sighs ) I found it.
Honestly.
I have a way of walking with my head down.
It's easier, because my head is very heavy.
Schultz, you're lying.
Mm-hmm.
When I tell Klink this whole story, you're gonna spend the rest of your natural life at the Russian front.
( mumbles ) ( sighs ) You see the new building over there? Uh Colonel Hogan! I told you not to be outside during the night! ( quietly ): They have printing presses, paper, ink-- everything.
They are going to make counterfeit money right here, because a P.
O.
W.
camp is safe for everybody but me.
And some of the money stuck to your fingers, huh? You know, when they moved in, a box fell down and opened.
How much have they printed, Schultz? Those are samples.
They haven't started yet.
They're looking for experts to help them.
( chuckles ) I think it's pretty good stuff myself.
Okay, Schultz, you can go.
Oh.
You won't report me? I gave you my word.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
They could make enough phony money to flood the world.
Yeah, and they'll probably spread it through neutral countries.
It would ruin every currency.
Bleeding Krauts.
They're taking all the fun out of money.
Isn't there something we can do, Colonel? Well, we can't tunnel in.
It's guarded too closely.
All we need is one man in there.
Schultz said they were shorthanded.
Well, maybe one of us could Us? We don't know anything about counterfeit money or forgery, do we, Newkirk? I never forged anything more than a three-day pass.
Could you duplicate Klink's signature? I've never tried, but I'm not without talent, if you don't mind me saying so.
We do.
Hey, wait.
We got Klink's signature, Colonel.
Here we are.
Got it.
A couple of weeks ago, Klink was signing a stack of papers.
I slipped a blank sheet in.
He signed it without realizing it.
It's beautiful.
See, there's a man who uses the old loaf.
( laughs ) Kinch, I'm proud to be one of your fellow sneaks.
Gives us a fighting chance.
Take a letter.
Right.
Ready? Ready.
"Special notice.
"Prisoners of all ranks Luft Stalag 13, "you are cordially invited "to a cocktail party to be held "in the rec hall Saturday night.
"Immediately afterward, the main gate will be opened.
"You all may leave camp "until Monday morning, ( quiet chuckling ) "The commandant of Stalag 13 wishes one and all a good time.
"Have fun.
Heil Hitler.
" Make that nice and neat, and put it right over Klink's signature.
( indistinct shouting ) What's going on here? Go away, go away.
What's going on here? Well, look at it, Schultzy.
Nothing to do with you, Schultzy, really, I mean It's very interesting.
Go ahead.
Ain't that nice?! ( shouting in German ) ( laughter and chatter ) And I'm sure you're all aware of the invitation on the bulletin board.
Colonel, I want to thank you on behalf of the men in my command.
( cheering ) KLINK: Silence! You will disregard that invitation.
( all grumbling ) Now, hold it, fellas, hold it.
Maybe the Commandant wants to change the night of the cocktail party.
Hey, all right.
That would work.
I think we're available.
( all shouting ) KLINK: Silence.
Now that we've had our childish little laugh, there is a more serious aspect to this matter.
Someone has forged my signature.
Now, the man responsible for this will take two steps forward.
And, if you try to defy my authority, I promise you there will be dire consequences.
I'm here, sir.
Oh.
Sergeant Schultz.
Bring this man to my office.
Notify Major Bock.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed.
Now, let me understand this correctly.
You admit to forging my signature, but you would not tell us why.
He doesn't have to tell you.
I didn't ask you, Hogan.
Speak for yourself.
I would rather not, uh, answer any questions at this particular time, sir.
Oh.
You would rather not.
We'll see about that.
He's not gonna talk, Commandant, so just forget it.
Order his punishment, and let's get on with the war.
Quiet, Hogan.
I don't think we need detain Colonel Hogan any longer, Herr Kommandant.
We don't? One of my men is being interrogated.
I demand to be present.
Demand, Colonel? Request? Request denied.
Request denied.
As long as it's unanimous.
I'll be outside, Newkirk.
Don't let 'em push you around.
No, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Blimey.
I thought he'd never leave.
Now, we have wasted enough time.
We You mean you wanted him out of here? Well, I I couldn't talk to you in front of him, could I, really? Not with that proposition I've got.
LeBeau, go over to the barracks quick.
Tell Kinch to turn on the bug to Klink's office.
Right, Colonel.
And tell him to hook up his wire recorder and get everything down.
I'd hate to miss anything.
Oui, Colonel.
You want to work for us? Now you got it, Major.
I know what's going on in that building, and I can help you make some of that lovely money.
All I want you to do is let me have whatever falls on the ground each day.
Incredible.
It's incredible! Shh! Commandant, please.
That Hogan's got ears like bloody radar.
I take it you know something about this kind of work.
Well, I did a pretty fair job on his signature, didn't I? You're a criminal.
Sir, you're going to insult me if you keep that up.
I assume you are familiar with the Buckenheimer rotary injector press? I can put those things together and tear 'em down again with me eyes closed.
I've done it many times.
I see.
Ever hear of Von Holtz? Hear of him? I met him in Zurich, 1938.
The greatest counterfeiter of our time.
I choked with emotion when he shook my hand.
He's a crook.
Oh, Commandant, what's in a name? Yes, he's a crook, Colonel but not the kind we need.
For your information, Buckenheimer is the name of Hitler's favorite piano player.
What? Go on.
There's a coincidence for you.
And just as Buckenheimer is not a printing press, Von Holtz is not a counterfeiter.
He is one of our most respected young scientists.
This man is a liar and a fraud.
Well, there's no need to get ugly, sir.
Shut up! I knew it from the beginning, sir.
He obviously got hold of your signature and thought he could bluff his way into the building and pick up a little money.
( chuckles ): Some forger.
Well, I could always learn.
You'll learn, all right.
You'll rot in the cooler.
Now, get out of here.
I'll deal with you later.
You don't want to change your mind and let me do a little on-the-job training? I-I'm a very quick study.
Out! Not a word of this to anyone, or I'll see to it you get more than the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Colonel I must ask you not to mention this incident in your report to headquarters.
Not mention it? Why? It's a very serious breach of security.
I know, but mistakes will happen.
Berlin does not recognize mistakes.
It is watching this operation very closely.
I can imagine, sir.
No.
I don't think you can.
What I am going to tell you now is top secret, strictly between us as fellow officers.
You may speak freely, sir.
Yesterday, our chief technician, Herr Stoffel, made a remark questioning the morality of counterfeiting even in wartime.
If I reported that to Berlin, as I should, nothing would happen to him, but I would be court-martialed.
I can't imagine they would do such a thing.
If there is a slipup, I will be taken out and shot.
And you think that decision has already been made? Worse than that.
It is final.
In matters like these, there is no appeal.
If necessary, the orders will be carried out.
Well, in that case, we will forget the inmate and his crazy scheme.
There will be no report.
Thank you, Colonel.
It's possible you have saved my life.
BOCK ( recorded ): It is final.
There is no appeal.
The order will be carried out.
Those Krauts are really afraid of each other, aren't they? Yeah.
They could start their own private war and never even call in outsiders.
Eh, it doesn't matter if they are afraid of each other.
We still laid an egg.
I laid an egg.
And I hatched it.
There's still a chance we might get another shot at them.
How? By playing them off against each other.
Kinch, could you doctor that recording-- take words out, move things around here and there? I don't know.
I could try.
All right.
We go to work.
The target is Stoffel.
Their printing expert? He's the logical one.
You heard what he said.
He's dead set against counterfeiting.
But he's got no authority.
He doesn't need it for our purpose.
If we can convince him that they plan on shooting him after his work is done, he may do a job for us first.
Like what kind of a job? Setting that building on fire.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
Kinch, where money is concerned, I'm dead serious.
Here, Kinch.
Thanks.
Put it All finished? That's it.
It's the best we can do.
We stand or fall on that wire recording.
Do you think he'll believe it, Colonel? We're going to find out.
One more detail-- the bait.
"Stoffel, your life is in danger.
"Save yourself Come to Barracks 3.
A friend.
" Friend? What do you want him to put down-- enemy? LeBeau, you take lunch to the Krauts in that building every day at noon.
I want you to volunteer for kitchen detail.
See that Stoffel gets that.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, we're going to need a couple of smoke bombs.
I got some beauties in the mattress.
Good.
Have them ready.
Oh, you need anything else? I got some magnesium pencils.
I got detonator caps, delayed action fuses.
I got some plastic incendiary tapes, and I got some Carter, you don't have to sell me.
We're not going to take our business to anybody else.
Colonel Schultz? Schultz.
Lunch, gentlemen.
Sir.
Ja, ja, ja.
I need a breath of air.
Get back to work as soon as you finish lunch.
He just left the building.
Good.
He took the bait.
He's making a big detour to get here.
Soon as the patient arrives, tell him the doctor's ready.
Right.
Your friend is in there.
Please, tell me what this is In there.
You're lying.
They put you up to this to test me.
Stoffel, you have practically no future at all.
Major Bock, your watchdog, has orders to get rid of you as soon as you've printed up enough money for him.
I don't believe it.
And I mean really get rid of you.
No.
They wouldn't.
They need me.
Now.
Later, you'd just be a man with too much on him.
Stoffel, would you recognize Major Bock's voice if you heard it? Of course I would.
And Klink-- that's the tall creep with the monocle.
Would you recognize his voice? Possibly.
I've talked with him several times here.
Listen to this.
And be ready to draw up your will.
BOCK: What I am going to tell you now, Colonel, is top secret.
KLINK: You may speak freely, sir.
BOCK: When this operation is all over, our chief technician, Herr Stoffel, will face a firing squad.
KLINK: I can't imagine they would do such a thing.
BOCK: Herr Stoffel knows a great many things.
He will be taken out and shot.
KLINK: And, uh, you think that decision has already been made? BOCK: It is final.
There is no appeal.
The orders will be carried out.
Any questions? Well How did you get that recording? I can't answer that question.
What do you want me to do? That question I can answer.
All right, we got about five minutes.
You think he'll come through, Colonel? We'll know by 3:00.
Now, remember, get in there fast and go to work before the Krauts get organized.
Well, what about the guards? Suppose they start shooting.
That's a chance we have to take.
Stoffel has the smoke bombs.
LeBeau's over there-- he'll start yelling.
There'll be enough confusion.
It's a calculated risk.
Yeah? That's the worst kind.
Watch it.
Here comes Schultz.
Colonel Hogan Hi, Schultz.
What is this? Firefighting equipment, Schultz.
Just a drill.
You never know when there might be a fire.
Where are the water buckets? Water? Nobody uses water to fight fire anymore.
Do they, fellas? ALL: No! That's horse-and-buggy thinking, Schultz.
Whenever I talk to you, I learn something.
So do we.
Achtung! Achtung! Fire! Fire! Hurry! Mach schnell! Mach schnell! Get something to put it out! Quickly! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! ( alarm ringing ) ( panicked shouting ) ( shouting in German ) Hoses and water buckets! Hoses and water buckets! HOGAN: Get those plates! Get the plates! Quick! Some more.
LeBeau, chop these up.
Yes, sir.
More, more.
Bring more.
What's going on here?! Easier to carry, Schultz.
Good! Very good! ( alarm continues ringing ) You and you! Get that fire hose, and hurry up! Get that fire hose! ( grunts ) ( smashing continues ) ( smashing continues ) Turn on the hose.
Hold it, Commandant-- everything's under control.
It's a catastrophe! Our whole plan is ruined.
Those plates can't be replaced.
What are we going to tell Berlin? Don't tell 'em, ask them.
For what? Permission to hold a fire sale.
KLINK: And, even though the building was destroyed I want to commend the men of Barracks 3, and especially Sergeant Schultz-- for their brave attempt to put out the fire.
Thank you, sir! Thank you very much! There will be an extra ration of white bread for one week.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Aw, you're spoiling us, sir.
Dismissed.
We did it, Colonel.
And we got away with it.
Yeah.
By the time they get reorganized, I think the war will be over.
If they ever try to start again, boy, I got some more smoke bombs.
It's a pity to see all that beautiful, green dry goods destroyed, though.
That reminds me.
Schultz? Yes, Colonel Hogan? Schultz, I've always had a lifelong ambition, and you can make that dream come true.
Who, me? Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Always wanted to have money to burn, Schultz.
Aw Aw, Schultzy.
Lilacs in autumn.
Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours.
That's in a few minutes.
Are the prisoners all accounted for in the barracks? Jawohl, herr Kommandant.
I even got extra guards.
The prisoners are sleeping peacefully like little children dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home and seeing Schultz, I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
It must be something important.
Klink's out there with Schultz.
He never comes out of his quarters at night.
I think Old Blood and Guts is afraid of the dark.
They've been getting that building ready for a week.
Yeah, ready for what? They wouldn't go to all this trouble unless Wait a minute.
A staff car and a truck.
I just can't figure it.
What's in those boxes? LeBEAU: Guns? Ammunitions, maybe.
No, the boxes are the wrong shapes.
Why those civilians, and why are they guarding this stuff, whatever it is? Gentlemen, I'm curious.
Well, you can't get out there.
Yeah, we'd never pass the Kraut guarding the door.
Yeah, there must be a way.
Think for a minute.
Hey, I got a solution, sir.
Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business? He always comes up with something, doesn't he? Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And, if somebody stops us, we just say we're going for a walk.
Just like that, huh? Sure.
Casually.
It's got to work, because it's simple.
It's so simple, you go ahead and do it.
Me? Yeah, it's your idea.
Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.
Right.
Just put it anywhere.
( all shouting ) Eight, gentlemen, Eight is the point.
Oh! Well done, here.
Big eight is what we're after.
Howie does eight.
Hey, what about the odd way? That would be two fours for those of you who are not in the regular army.
( laughter, indistinct chatter ) Oh, you give back the card.
Come on, Carter.
All right, come on, come on, come on.
( indistinct excited chatter ) What's going on in here? We're having a community sing.
( quiet laughter ) With money and dice? Uh, well, it makes the slower songs a bit more interesting, Schulzty.
( laughs ) ( mimics laughter ) You're gambling! Ah, you could put it that way.
This is against regulations.
I have to report you all to the Commandant for breaking the rules.
Aw, come on, Schultzy.
( mutters ) Ja! What's the point? Ten.
Big ten.
( laughs ) You're very lucky I have to get evidence Oh, hold it, hold it.
before I report you all.
( humming ) ( whistling ) MAN: Wow.
( clears his throat ) Mmm! Mmm! It's real enough, isn't it? ( clears throat ) Right.
You're covered, Schultzy, and the best of Germanic luck to you.
( indistinct chatter ) Good luck.
The point is ten, and he's rolling for a ten.
And he made it! ( cheering ) Come on, that's great.
Well done.
We'll play him out here.
And I think Yes, uh ( knocking on table ) ( quiet chatter ) You lose, Schultzy.
( chuckles ) Easy come, easy go.
Ha! Ha-ha! Got a new shooter, ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing Sergeant Schultz, Germany's answer to Nick the Greek.
Good luck to you.
A big roll of cash? He's got a fistful of them, and he's betting like a rich dentist.
It looks all right, feels all right.
Where would Schultz get Yankee money? You never know with the Germans.
Hey, Colonel, take a look at this.
It's General Grant, all right-- you can tell by the beard-- but look at the words "Federal Reserve note.
" Hey, the second "E" in "Federal" is out of line.
You got it.
So what does that prove? Well, every bill is inspected before it's put into circulation.
They would have found that mistake and destroyed the plate.
It's a phony.
Good one, though.
( indistinct chatter ) Holy cow.
Schultz is betting these.
A British five-pound note? Schultz? Newkirk got so excited, he almost put the straight dice back in the game.
We can't have that.
That's a dangerous precedent.
Is this a fake? Well, if the $50 bill's a phony, can this be far behind? Let's break up the game.
( crickets chirping ) Colonel Hogan, you won't tell Commandant Klink? Like a flash.
You walk in here loaded with fake money, trying to break the game.
But, Colonel Hogan, they told me it was a community sing.
Come on.
Where did you get the crazy money? ( sighs ) I found it.
Honestly.
I have a way of walking with my head down.
It's easier, because my head is very heavy.
Schultz, you're lying.
Mm-hmm.
When I tell Klink this whole story, you're gonna spend the rest of your natural life at the Russian front.
( mumbles ) ( sighs ) You see the new building over there? Uh Colonel Hogan! I told you not to be outside during the night! ( quietly ): They have printing presses, paper, ink-- everything.
They are going to make counterfeit money right here, because a P.
O.
W.
camp is safe for everybody but me.
And some of the money stuck to your fingers, huh? You know, when they moved in, a box fell down and opened.
How much have they printed, Schultz? Those are samples.
They haven't started yet.
They're looking for experts to help them.
( chuckles ) I think it's pretty good stuff myself.
Okay, Schultz, you can go.
Oh.
You won't report me? I gave you my word.
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
They could make enough phony money to flood the world.
Yeah, and they'll probably spread it through neutral countries.
It would ruin every currency.
Bleeding Krauts.
They're taking all the fun out of money.
Isn't there something we can do, Colonel? Well, we can't tunnel in.
It's guarded too closely.
All we need is one man in there.
Schultz said they were shorthanded.
Well, maybe one of us could Us? We don't know anything about counterfeit money or forgery, do we, Newkirk? I never forged anything more than a three-day pass.
Could you duplicate Klink's signature? I've never tried, but I'm not without talent, if you don't mind me saying so.
We do.
Hey, wait.
We got Klink's signature, Colonel.
Here we are.
Got it.
A couple of weeks ago, Klink was signing a stack of papers.
I slipped a blank sheet in.
He signed it without realizing it.
It's beautiful.
See, there's a man who uses the old loaf.
( laughs ) Kinch, I'm proud to be one of your fellow sneaks.
Gives us a fighting chance.
Take a letter.
Right.
Ready? Ready.
"Special notice.
"Prisoners of all ranks Luft Stalag 13, "you are cordially invited "to a cocktail party to be held "in the rec hall Saturday night.
"Immediately afterward, the main gate will be opened.
"You all may leave camp "until Monday morning, ( quiet chuckling ) "The commandant of Stalag 13 wishes one and all a good time.
"Have fun.
Heil Hitler.
" Make that nice and neat, and put it right over Klink's signature.
( indistinct shouting ) What's going on here? Go away, go away.
What's going on here? Well, look at it, Schultzy.
Nothing to do with you, Schultzy, really, I mean It's very interesting.
Go ahead.
Ain't that nice?! ( shouting in German ) ( laughter and chatter ) And I'm sure you're all aware of the invitation on the bulletin board.
Colonel, I want to thank you on behalf of the men in my command.
( cheering ) KLINK: Silence! You will disregard that invitation.
( all grumbling ) Now, hold it, fellas, hold it.
Maybe the Commandant wants to change the night of the cocktail party.
Hey, all right.
That would work.
I think we're available.
( all shouting ) KLINK: Silence.
Now that we've had our childish little laugh, there is a more serious aspect to this matter.
Someone has forged my signature.
Now, the man responsible for this will take two steps forward.
And, if you try to defy my authority, I promise you there will be dire consequences.
I'm here, sir.
Oh.
Sergeant Schultz.
Bring this man to my office.
Notify Major Bock.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed.
Now, let me understand this correctly.
You admit to forging my signature, but you would not tell us why.
He doesn't have to tell you.
I didn't ask you, Hogan.
Speak for yourself.
I would rather not, uh, answer any questions at this particular time, sir.
Oh.
You would rather not.
We'll see about that.
He's not gonna talk, Commandant, so just forget it.
Order his punishment, and let's get on with the war.
Quiet, Hogan.
I don't think we need detain Colonel Hogan any longer, Herr Kommandant.
We don't? One of my men is being interrogated.
I demand to be present.
Demand, Colonel? Request? Request denied.
Request denied.
As long as it's unanimous.
I'll be outside, Newkirk.
Don't let 'em push you around.
No, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Blimey.
I thought he'd never leave.
Now, we have wasted enough time.
We You mean you wanted him out of here? Well, I I couldn't talk to you in front of him, could I, really? Not with that proposition I've got.
LeBeau, go over to the barracks quick.
Tell Kinch to turn on the bug to Klink's office.
Right, Colonel.
And tell him to hook up his wire recorder and get everything down.
I'd hate to miss anything.
Oui, Colonel.
You want to work for us? Now you got it, Major.
I know what's going on in that building, and I can help you make some of that lovely money.
All I want you to do is let me have whatever falls on the ground each day.
Incredible.
It's incredible! Shh! Commandant, please.
That Hogan's got ears like bloody radar.
I take it you know something about this kind of work.
Well, I did a pretty fair job on his signature, didn't I? You're a criminal.
Sir, you're going to insult me if you keep that up.
I assume you are familiar with the Buckenheimer rotary injector press? I can put those things together and tear 'em down again with me eyes closed.
I've done it many times.
I see.
Ever hear of Von Holtz? Hear of him? I met him in Zurich, 1938.
The greatest counterfeiter of our time.
I choked with emotion when he shook my hand.
He's a crook.
Oh, Commandant, what's in a name? Yes, he's a crook, Colonel but not the kind we need.
For your information, Buckenheimer is the name of Hitler's favorite piano player.
What? Go on.
There's a coincidence for you.
And just as Buckenheimer is not a printing press, Von Holtz is not a counterfeiter.
He is one of our most respected young scientists.
This man is a liar and a fraud.
Well, there's no need to get ugly, sir.
Shut up! I knew it from the beginning, sir.
He obviously got hold of your signature and thought he could bluff his way into the building and pick up a little money.
( chuckles ): Some forger.
Well, I could always learn.
You'll learn, all right.
You'll rot in the cooler.
Now, get out of here.
I'll deal with you later.
You don't want to change your mind and let me do a little on-the-job training? I-I'm a very quick study.
Out! Not a word of this to anyone, or I'll see to it you get more than the cooler.
Yes, sir.
Colonel I must ask you not to mention this incident in your report to headquarters.
Not mention it? Why? It's a very serious breach of security.
I know, but mistakes will happen.
Berlin does not recognize mistakes.
It is watching this operation very closely.
I can imagine, sir.
No.
I don't think you can.
What I am going to tell you now is top secret, strictly between us as fellow officers.
You may speak freely, sir.
Yesterday, our chief technician, Herr Stoffel, made a remark questioning the morality of counterfeiting even in wartime.
If I reported that to Berlin, as I should, nothing would happen to him, but I would be court-martialed.
I can't imagine they would do such a thing.
If there is a slipup, I will be taken out and shot.
And you think that decision has already been made? Worse than that.
It is final.
In matters like these, there is no appeal.
If necessary, the orders will be carried out.
Well, in that case, we will forget the inmate and his crazy scheme.
There will be no report.
Thank you, Colonel.
It's possible you have saved my life.
BOCK ( recorded ): It is final.
There is no appeal.
The order will be carried out.
Those Krauts are really afraid of each other, aren't they? Yeah.
They could start their own private war and never even call in outsiders.
Eh, it doesn't matter if they are afraid of each other.
We still laid an egg.
I laid an egg.
And I hatched it.
There's still a chance we might get another shot at them.
How? By playing them off against each other.
Kinch, could you doctor that recording-- take words out, move things around here and there? I don't know.
I could try.
All right.
We go to work.
The target is Stoffel.
Their printing expert? He's the logical one.
You heard what he said.
He's dead set against counterfeiting.
But he's got no authority.
He doesn't need it for our purpose.
If we can convince him that they plan on shooting him after his work is done, he may do a job for us first.
Like what kind of a job? Setting that building on fire.
Oh, you got to be kidding.
Kinch, where money is concerned, I'm dead serious.
Here, Kinch.
Thanks.
Put it All finished? That's it.
It's the best we can do.
We stand or fall on that wire recording.
Do you think he'll believe it, Colonel? We're going to find out.
One more detail-- the bait.
"Stoffel, your life is in danger.
"Save yourself Come to Barracks 3.
A friend.
" Friend? What do you want him to put down-- enemy? LeBeau, you take lunch to the Krauts in that building every day at noon.
I want you to volunteer for kitchen detail.
See that Stoffel gets that.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, we're going to need a couple of smoke bombs.
I got some beauties in the mattress.
Good.
Have them ready.
Oh, you need anything else? I got some magnesium pencils.
I got detonator caps, delayed action fuses.
I got some plastic incendiary tapes, and I got some Carter, you don't have to sell me.
We're not going to take our business to anybody else.
Colonel Schultz? Schultz.
Lunch, gentlemen.
Sir.
Ja, ja, ja.
I need a breath of air.
Get back to work as soon as you finish lunch.
He just left the building.
Good.
He took the bait.
He's making a big detour to get here.
Soon as the patient arrives, tell him the doctor's ready.
Right.
Your friend is in there.
Please, tell me what this is In there.
You're lying.
They put you up to this to test me.
Stoffel, you have practically no future at all.
Major Bock, your watchdog, has orders to get rid of you as soon as you've printed up enough money for him.
I don't believe it.
And I mean really get rid of you.
No.
They wouldn't.
They need me.
Now.
Later, you'd just be a man with too much on him.
Stoffel, would you recognize Major Bock's voice if you heard it? Of course I would.
And Klink-- that's the tall creep with the monocle.
Would you recognize his voice? Possibly.
I've talked with him several times here.
Listen to this.
And be ready to draw up your will.
BOCK: What I am going to tell you now, Colonel, is top secret.
KLINK: You may speak freely, sir.
BOCK: When this operation is all over, our chief technician, Herr Stoffel, will face a firing squad.
KLINK: I can't imagine they would do such a thing.
BOCK: Herr Stoffel knows a great many things.
He will be taken out and shot.
KLINK: And, uh, you think that decision has already been made? BOCK: It is final.
There is no appeal.
The orders will be carried out.
Any questions? Well How did you get that recording? I can't answer that question.
What do you want me to do? That question I can answer.
All right, we got about five minutes.
You think he'll come through, Colonel? We'll know by 3:00.
Now, remember, get in there fast and go to work before the Krauts get organized.
Well, what about the guards? Suppose they start shooting.
That's a chance we have to take.
Stoffel has the smoke bombs.
LeBeau's over there-- he'll start yelling.
There'll be enough confusion.
It's a calculated risk.
Yeah? That's the worst kind.
Watch it.
Here comes Schultz.
Colonel Hogan Hi, Schultz.
What is this? Firefighting equipment, Schultz.
Just a drill.
You never know when there might be a fire.
Where are the water buckets? Water? Nobody uses water to fight fire anymore.
Do they, fellas? ALL: No! That's horse-and-buggy thinking, Schultz.
Whenever I talk to you, I learn something.
So do we.
Achtung! Achtung! Fire! Fire! Hurry! Mach schnell! Mach schnell! Get something to put it out! Quickly! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! ( alarm ringing ) ( panicked shouting ) ( shouting in German ) Hoses and water buckets! Hoses and water buckets! HOGAN: Get those plates! Get the plates! Quick! Some more.
LeBeau, chop these up.
Yes, sir.
More, more.
Bring more.
What's going on here?! Easier to carry, Schultz.
Good! Very good! ( alarm continues ringing ) You and you! Get that fire hose, and hurry up! Get that fire hose! ( grunts ) ( smashing continues ) ( smashing continues ) Turn on the hose.
Hold it, Commandant-- everything's under control.
It's a catastrophe! Our whole plan is ruined.
Those plates can't be replaced.
What are we going to tell Berlin? Don't tell 'em, ask them.
For what? Permission to hold a fire sale.
KLINK: And, even though the building was destroyed I want to commend the men of Barracks 3, and especially Sergeant Schultz-- for their brave attempt to put out the fire.
Thank you, sir! Thank you very much! There will be an extra ration of white bread for one week.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Aw, you're spoiling us, sir.
Dismissed.
We did it, Colonel.
And we got away with it.
Yeah.
By the time they get reorganized, I think the war will be over.
If they ever try to start again, boy, I got some more smoke bombs.
It's a pity to see all that beautiful, green dry goods destroyed, though.
That reminds me.
Schultz? Yes, Colonel Hogan? Schultz, I've always had a lifelong ambition, and you can make that dream come true.
Who, me? Mm-hmm.
Yup.
Always wanted to have money to burn, Schultz.
Aw Aw, Schultzy.