Hot In Cleveland s03e09 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Maybe it's the champagne talking, but I think there is a very good-looking, very young man staring at me.
Why don't you go talk to him? He's obviously interested.
But he's a baby.
So go take candy from him.
Maybe a quick "hello".
No one that age in I.
A.
Would ever look at me.
No one in Cleveland either.
The dude's blind.
He's blind? This ought to be good.
You know, some people say it's rude to stare.
Lucky for you, I'm not one of them.
Was I staring? I don't think so.
It's cute, your trying to take it back.
But it's okay.
I'm not blind.
I mean, being blind is great.
I mean, not like, "yay!" Great, but, you know, "good for you" great.
Oh, God.
The nice thing is, you won't see me leaving.
Sorry I bothered you.
Don't go.
You're funny.
And you have a beautiful voice.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Joy.
I'm Mark.
Here's your order, sir.
Listen, I have to run, but maybe we can have a drink sometime? That sounds great.
Can I ask how old you are? People say I look young, but I'm 22.
Ah.
I'm a little older than that.
- What, like, 26? - Exactly.
In three weeks.
Really? Really.
Here's my I.
D.
Huh.
It's from my daughter, Emmy.
She says she has a huge announcement to make.
Drama queen.
Uh, she's coming to Cleveland, and she's bringing her fiance.
- Oh.
- He has dark hair, is athletic, sexy oh, my God.
I bet it's A-Rod.
- A-Rod? From the Yankees? Boo! It was inevitable.
See, A-Rod did a guest appearance on Emmy's Spanish soap opera, Chica Blanca Loca.
He was a rich Latin lover, and she was a scheming gold digger.
And what did they play on the show? Well, this is a first.
I'm going out with a blind guy.
That's great.
And he's really cute.
- Yeah.
- And the best news is, he thinks I'm 26.
So he's blind and dumb? By the end of it, he'll wish he was deaf too.
Ooh.
Hey, let's pick up the pace, people.
Emmy just texted me.
The limo is on the way from the airport.
Check it.
Texting's like a flagrate spell in The Chamber Of Secrets.
For reals.
Why are you talking like that? Because I have to be And Harry Potter is kind of a big deal for people my age.
I got this.
The kid's gonna be totes into me.
Oh, those smell good.
- Uh, they're for A-Rod.
Loaded with cajun pepper and laxatives.
They're here.
Places, everyone.
Mother, dearest.
I've arrived.
Oh, Emmy darling.
I am so excited to meet your fiance.
Oh, he's just getting the luggage.
Melanie, this is so, so special.
Okay.
- Hello, Emmy.
- Hey, mom.
Will! Aw, honey.
Will.
- Will! Great timing, you're about to meet A-Rod.
- Why is A-Rod coming here? Well, isn't he your fiance? Will is my fiance.
Duh.
And I know it's awfully sudden, but we're head over heels in love.
Now, go put the bags by the stairs.
Ah, isn't she great? That was shocking.
Joy, have a cupcake.
Well, so our kids are engaged.
- Yeah.
- How about that? It is just, so Uh, unexpected.
And I'm pregnant! Not really.
I just thought we needed a dramatic moment to ease the tension.
- I get it.
- That's crazy.
Emmy, dearest, how could this have possibly happened? Well, it was very romantic, actually.
As you know, I was dating a certain baseball player.
Boo! And then there was the actor who broke up with me.
- Are you hearing this? - Yeah.
Can you believe she chose me over all those other guys? All those other guys.
It's so beast that you two got together.
I know, right? I mean, there I was, in between relationships back in I.
A.
, and I walk into the restaurant where Will is waiting tables.
I looked across the room and I had this magical moment that took my breath away.
You saw Will.
Brad Pitt.
But Will was waiting on him, and he walked over with water and food, and I thought, "now, this is someone who can really take care of me".
And I will.
I've had a crush on her since I was 12.
- Oh.
- Oh, isn't that just like love? Striking whether it's a good idea or not.
- Oh, there's my 22-year-old.
He thinks I'm 26.
- Is he blind? - Yes.
- Yo, Mark-ay.
How ya livin'? Uh, hey, Joy ready to roll deep and get money? You know it.
- That guy is really hot.
- Hmm.
Yet he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
- That poor, blind, hot bastard.
- Mm.
So, I guess you guys would be uncomfortable staying in the same room, right? Right.
Of course not.
Will, help me unpack.
I'm just gonna get a snack first.
Uh, you ate on the plane.
Piggy here loves his snacks.
She calls me "piggy".
Okay, I guess we're happy for them.
Although I must say, Emmy is not who I imagined my son spending the rest of his life with.
They're just getting married.
They're not spending the rest of their lives with each other.
For some people, that's what marriage means.
But Emmy is not "some people.
" No, she has dated stars on two continents and South America.
But this is her first waiter.
And he's not even a struggling actor, you know, which would almost excuse it.
He's studying to be a social worker.
Oh, honey, you're only making it worse.
Now, listen, this is sending us down a bad road.
Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Maybe they'll just snap out of it.
We can't count on that.
I've had marriages I haven't snapped out of until two marriages later.
So, what are you saying? It's our responsibility to destroy their happiness through meddling? I believe it's pronounced, "mothering".
- Okay.
- Yeah, we're good.
So maybe we should try talking to them again when they wake up.
Oh, they're up.
I know your daughter's an actress, but she also likes to direct loudly.
- Shh.
Yes, I'll hold for A-Rod.
Elka, what are you doing? Emmy gave her his number so she could mess with his head.
- Hey, A-Rod.
Is Derek Jeter as sweet and handsome as everyone says? Will you please hang up? He could still be my future son-in-law.
He's crying.
A lot.
No, there, there.
The only reason people don't like you is because you're good.
Uh, except when it counts.
This is fun.
What up, y'all? Joy scroggs, in the hizzie.
Well, well, well.
The walk of shame.
Shame is for your generation.
Like AOL.
So, what's going on with Wemmy? Who? - Will and Emmy.
I TMZ-ed it for you.
Oh, it's a mess.
I talked to Emmy.
She talked to Will.
And it just proved how useless talking to your kids is.
Fail, "comma", epic.
What? You know what us youngs would do? Flip the script and switch it up.
What what? I'm gonna smack you.
I mean, why don't you talk to Emmy, and you talk to Will? That's not bad.
Emmy respects you, and Will is scared of me.
From when you swam naked in our swimming pool.
You know, I didn't ask to be born a Scorpio.
Oh, that's Mark.
And I don't even have to brush my hair or take my glasses off.
Dating the blind is ? awesome ? So, 'sup? Well, I kind of have big news.
I didn't tell you this before because I didn't want to get your hopes up, but I'm on the list for an experimental operation to get my sight back And a spot has come open! - When? - Thursday.
I need something that will make me look 26.
Can't you tell him the truth? And risk losing him? Being with him is so profound.
Oh, who am I kidding? He's 22 the sex is amazing.
The government should be paying just so they can have sex with older women.
Well, great sex is a good reason to do something drastic, but unfortunately, your options are limited.
I should add, I don't care if it's legal, or safe.
Ah, that changes things.
How soon can you get to Ecuador? He might have his sight back by Thursday.
Right.
I'll never get a face donor by then anyway.
Now, there is something closer to home that I've heard of.
The gene treatment.
A brilliant doctor Doctor Gene? Actually, Doctor Hansen.
Well, actually, Mr.
Hansen.
He thought "Doctor" was too stuffy and, well, misleading.
He's taken all the science and hardware from an abandoned acid-wash jeans factory and repurposed it to smooth and tighten a woman's face.
Stop it.
She is obviously not going to sign up for some sketchy-sounding experimental face treatment.
Butt out, Mel.
- I know you and my mom are crazy-worried, but don't be.
Will adores me, and I love him for that.
It's just that, um, you've been engaged a number of times.
A number that is divisible by 2, 3, and 4.
But they were bad boys, and I'm over them.
I mean, sure, they're exciting, and you can't wait to see them, and the sex is amazing, and you think of them night and day where was I? Will, before this relationship goes any further, there's something you need to know.
Which is what? Oh.
Oh, this is this is really difficult.
You see, it's very personal.
But, well, we chase women suffer from oh, God, this is so tough.
See, before I turned 30, Will, my breasts were as large as Emmy's larger, even.
But then I was struck with chest blight.
What? Emmy is walking around with two gorgeous time bombs.
Touching them only speeds up the process.
You're kidding me.
Really? No way.
But really? Chest blight.
Please don't take this personally.
I'm just a little concerned that you might be able to push Will around.
Look, he is one of the best men I have ever met.
And while you may see him as easily persuaded, I see it as, if he's gonna be bossed around, shouldn't it be by somebody who loves him? That's an interesting spin.
Look, if you want Will to come to Cleveland more often, I can make that happen.
That would be nice.
I just googled it.
No such thing as chest blight.
You know, Google doesn't know everything.
Victoria, I know you're trying to do what's best for your daughter.
You're a good mom.
Well, I've often told Emmy that.
I'm poor and unfamous.
And I'll probably always be poor and unfamous.
But I can guarantee that every night when she comes home, she'll have a man with a sympathetic ear, a glass of wine, and a foot rub.
Now, what woman doesn't deserve that? Aw.
We all do.
You really are a great mom.
Oh.
It's so nice to hear those words coming out of someone else's mouth.
Thank you.
- And Will? - Yes? Do you think I could have a foot rub? I think that would be Really inappropriate.
I'm sorry, I blew it.
But she was saying such nice stuff about Will.
Oh, and he was saying such nice stuff about me.
They found our Kryptonite.
Do you smell something? Yeah, it smells kind of bleachy? Joy, how did it go? Are you okay? Hideously painful.
It stings, and it itches, but in a few minutes, when the bandages come off, I'll look 20 years younger.
Although he did say there might be some redness.
Or paralysis.
It was hard to tell from his accent.
Jeez, I hope she'll be okay.
You mean, look okay.
All right, so what is our new plan for Will and Emmy? You know what? Nobody could have talked either one of us out of the men we married.
I think we just need to embrace it.
You know, there's a certain "denying reality" aspect to that that I find appealing.
And we get to plan a wedding together.
And we get to have the same grandkids.
And they can call you grandma and call me Victoria.
- Uh-huh.
I can't get rid of A-Rod.
Oh, yes, if it were any other team, you would be the shortstop.
I mean, if they didn't care about fielding.
Waterworks.
Oh, Jeez.
Aah! Oh, no! My face! What? What is it, honey? - Look! - Oh, my God.
No, you look exactly the same.
This is a disaster.
What am I going to do? Look, try to look on the bright side.
Your procedure failed.
Maybe his will too.
Sweetie, so you're not 26.
But you know what? Any man would be lucky to have you.
What are you hiding behind your back? Oh, nothing.
Just my lucky clump of hair.
Oh, my God! My hair! The procedure is making my hair fall out! Did he say there would be side effects? I thought he said, "air loss".
I pictured myself as a beautiful asthmatic.
Oh, you're gonna be fine.
I have some wigs you can look at, or or an attractive turban? Don't lie to me! You know there's no such thing as an attractive turban.
Okay, you you don't need a turban.
So you lost a few strands.
You still have a beautiful head of hair.
Honey, just go upstairs and get some rest, okay? You're right.
I'm going to lie down.
Okay.
Oh! My God! So, what are we thinking of for the wedding? I was thinking something small, maybe like the beach? Aw, there ya go thinking again.
It's going to be a destination wedding, otherwise, Instyle will not cover it.
And if it's not in a magazine, are you even married? You know, it really does need to be fabulous.
I mean, you only get so many weddings in a lifetime.
- Okay, on to another important topic: How many grandkids are we going to have? - None.
- Lots.
No kids? No grandkids? Well, not unless my publicist says that I need the press.
And in that case, I'll just hire a surrogate.
Oh, I would have killed for a surrogate.
But I guess you always want better for your kids.
I'm not going to let some stranger give birth to our child.
It doesn't have to be a stranger.
It could be our maid.
What is wrong with you? Now, now, now, kids you just need to calm Maybe we should let them work it out for themselves.
Or potentially not.
Ah.
Yes, right.
You know, Will wants to be a social worker.
Well, that's not going to happen.
You're not the boss of me.
How dare you say that I am not the boss of you.
I'm not going after her.
Good.
All right, I can't take this.
I mean, somebody's got to go after her.
The scene calls for it.
Emmy! Hold on, mommy's coming.
I'm proud of you, honey.
I guess I should have gotten to know her better before she told me to propose.
Well, what did you guys talk about? I don't know.
We mostly talked in bed.
Everything she says in bed sounds like a good idea.
I'm sorry, Will, but Emmy wants you to come outside.
She she wants to tweet a picture of her throwing the ring in your face.
Right.
I remember initialing that in the prenup.
I'm really sorry, Will, but I think this is for the best.
And I know that someday you will find the right feet to massage.
Those aren't your feet, right? Ha.
Well, of course not.
- How's Emmy? - Oh, you know Emmy.
She's destroyed and devastated, and she's already changed her Facebook status to, "it's complicated", with Ryan Gosling.
So, how are we feeling? Oh, I have to admit, I am relieved.
But I did kind of like the idea of being related to you.
Hmm, me too.
But you know, we already are like family.
That's true, that's true.
But it would've been fun to be grandmothers together.
Yeah.
Although we do have a bald, crying bundle of "Joy" at home.
Ah, and she's probably ready for another bottle right about now.
- Mm-hmm.
Of course I'm devastated.
That's why I need you to help me get close to Ryan Gosling.
Hey, just, tell me which way he drives to work, and I'll do the rest.
You're an agent it's a part of your job.
Joy? Oh, my God.
You are so beautiful.
More beautiful than I ever imagined.
Blimey! Mark, you can see! That's a bit of all right, isn't it? Let's go to my room for a proper celebration.
Oh.
'Ello.
Didn't know you was about.
Hi, I'm Mark.
Are you Joy's mom? Sure.
Do you smell bleach? Don't answer that.
It's A-Rod, and he's depressed.
Well, so am I.
Hello? No, Elka's not here.
But I can talk.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no, you're much hotter than Jeter.
Me?