iCarly (2021) s03e09 Episode Script

1
Millicent, you must be so
excited to see your mom.
Yeah, but I'm not excited
to eat these "Gwenchiladas."
I'm pretty sure Mom's recipe
doesn't include pineapple.
We're putting our own little spin on it.
Is that spin called colonialism?
It's actually called a metaphor.
Pineapple's my favorite fruit,
and this is your mom's favorite food.
Yeah, so we're showing
how Carly mixes in
without sacrificing any taste.
I'm so glad we waited to
tell her about us in person.
- I mean, how fun is this?
- (SQUEALS SOFTLY)
Oh, you want me to answer?
Not fun.
Do you understand what's at stake here?
It's my yearly custody
check-in with Gwen.
Only we call it our ecosystem evaluation
because she's a marine biologist.
And Dad's a huge dork.
(CHUCKLES): Guilty.
It's just a formality.
Your mom wants what's best for you,
which is living on
land and going to school
with children, not walruses.
It's cool that Mom works on a boat,
but if I ain't captain, I ain't going.
She's gonna love the new
addition to your ecosystem.
Hurricane Carly coming through,
and there's a 40%
chance of me fitting in.
Those odds aren't great.
Actually neither is a
hurricane in general.
Oh, God, I'm gonna
have to live on a boat.
- (GASPS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Is there a little future
she-E-O who misses her mommy?
The term she-E-O is
patronizing to women,
- but love the effort! Hi!
- (GLEEFUL SQUEALING)
(CONVERSING IN SPANISH)
- You ready?
- So ready.
Finally. It was the worst trip ever.
The dock was broken, my plane
was late, my bags were lost.
BOTH: Hi, Gwen!
It's all my own fault
for trying a new airline.
Last time I ever fly Sporit.
Carly, I love you, but
can we catch up later?
I want to spend time
with just my family.
Oh, I helped make lunch,
so I was gonna stay.
What is that smell?
Is that pineapple and beans?
Did somebody adjust my recipe?
Without telling me?
Well, she really just poured the waters,
so she'll see you later.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
(WHISPERS): I'm not ready.
I know ♪
You see ♪
Somehow the world will change for me ♪
And be so wonderful ♪
So wake up the members of my nation ♪
It's your time to be ♪
There's no chance
unless you take one ♪
And the time to see
the brighter side ♪
Of every situation ♪
Some things are meant to be ♪
So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪
(SINGSONGY): Ding-dong, it's
your shameful little secret.
I'm sorry, Carly,
it just wasn't the right
time to tell Gwen about us.
If she thinks that there's
been too big of a shift
in Millicent's ecosystem,
she'll take her away.
I forgot how sensitive
she is about change.
You know, she has a tattoo that says,
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
I've never seen that. Where is it?
Uh
Withdrawn.
So, we're just never gonna
tell your daughter's mother
that we're dating?
I love that idea.
We need to tell her.
The longer we keep a lid on
this thing, the worse it'll be.
Like when you forget to
empty out your Instant Pot.
Wait, is that why you told
me to throw that thing away?
No.
(STRAINING): Come on. Ah.
I got it out. Why
can't I get it back in?
(GRUNTS) Screw it.
I'll just say it's art
and sell it to some sucker.
Knock, knock. It's me, Lewbert.
I didn't know we had a "knock
and enter" kind of relationship.
- Hey, you want to buy some art?
- I am on a mission.
Noah had his ark with
two of every animal,
and I shall do the same with insects.
- (KNOCKING)
- (GROANING)
Spencer, drop everything
you're doing. We need to talk.
See, now, she and I do have
this kind of relationship.
What's up, girl?
My so-called affianced wants
to build an ark but for insects,
which is a terrible idea.
Ooh, is that a big ball of yarn?
Talk about your lumbar
support. Come to Mama. (LAUGHS)
Lewbert, an insect ark is
disgusting, even for you.
Why would you come to me about this?
I would like to pay you
an obscene amount of money
to craft said ark.
And now just 'cause
I've been burned before
what's an obscene
amount of money to you?
No, Spencer. He's
bringing bugs everywhere.
Relax, they're professionally
contained in plastic.
- How do they breathe?
- I poked holes in the lids.
Can't they just crawl out of the holes?
I don't think so?
(FREDDIE CHUCKLING)
I figured out how to tell Gwen.
Table the Kanga-Doom sketch.
It's a kangaroo that gives bad news.
You didn't get into Penn State.
That's what I spent the
last three hours working on?
Question. What is at the
center of Gwen's ecosystem?
The sun!
No, Millicent.
Which is why I got you ta-da!
The Twins They Carried.
As I Lay Crowning.
Great Expectations (For mommies).
Oh, I get it!
Yeah, I don't get it.
We need to show Gwen
that cool, childless Carly
is a healthy addition to our ecosystem,
and knowing the basics about
parenting can only help.
Although now that I look at these,
it does seem like after the birth,
you are really on your own.
Well, if you want to show
Gwen you're a good addition
to the family, reading isn't the answer.
Cookouts are.
Say more. I like not reading,
so I'm already leaning
towards this idea.
When I was a kid, in my
glass tower with my nanny,
I'd look down on the park that we owned,
before we turned it into oil fields
R.I.P. Bettencourt Nature Preserve
and I'd get so jealous
of all the families having fun together.
One time, I hopped into my waterslide
that went down to the
ground floor to join them,
but I just ended up in my
lotus flower-shaped pool,
all alone, trying to make out
the words to "Never Too
Much" by Luther Vandross.
Maybe go back to therapy?
(HIGH-PITCHED): Mm-hmm.
But you're right.
What better way to sell
Gwen on our ecosystem
than a good, old-fashioned FaFuDa?
What's a "fa-du-fah"?
BOTH: FaFuDa.
It's clearly an abbreviation
for "Family Fun Day."
F-A, F-U, D-A. FaFuDa.
Like "gouda" or "Bermuda"
or "zip-a-dee-doo-dah."
Or Nobel prize-winning Chilean
poet and diplomat Pablo Neruda.
Get it together, my guy.
Yes, a FaFuDa is a great way
to show Gwen that our
ecosystem is thriving
and so is Millicent.
Also, it's the perfect
place to tell her about us.
She's gonna have so much
fun, she's gonna be all,
"Dang, I wish cool,
childless Carly was my mom."
Whoa.
In this ecosystem, Millicent is the sun,
and I'm not a whole
planet like you and Gwen,
but I am the moon.
And you need the moon for the tides.
Okay, Copernicus. (LAUGHS)
I'll make T-shirts.
Ooh! Can mine be a tank top?
It cannot.
Sorry I'm late, Carly.
Uh, Penelope just ended things,
and I'm really going through it.
Aw. Breakups can be tough.
- How long were y'all together?
- Two hours.
She left in the middle of Avatar.
Yeah. I'm just having
a real unlucky streak
with dating these days.
Hey, um, do you all
want to hang out, maybe?
We can't. My ex-wife Gwen's in town.
- We're throwing a FaFuDa.
- Yeah, it means family
Family fun day. It's incredibly clear.
That's a great idea, you know?
Hang out with the people you love.
Sounds like it could
be a real spirit lifter.
Yeah.
Um, do you need any help
or extra bodies, perhaps?
Nope. I'm good. Take
the whole weekend off.
Carly, I need this!
I am this close to putting on
a shadow puppet show for my landlord.
Again.
Okay, fine. You can come.
But you have to talk
me up big-time to Gwen.
Make sure you play up
that I may be childless,
but I'm still cool.
Done. Uh, let me just text
my landlord. (CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, Norman.
Tonight's performance of shadow
puppet Swan Lake is canceled.
Also, my disposal isn't working.
Sorry to mix business
and pleasure. Send.
(ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)
Good evening, puppets.
According to my math,
I've got one more wish
before you're released
back into your human form.
House of Birth. (SCOFFS)
A Womb with a View. (SCOFFS)
Anna Placentina.
Why would Carly have a bunch
of books on pregnancy? Unless
(SCREAMING)
I'm gonna be a grandfather!
BOTH: Carly's pregnant?!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Can we take a moment and appreciate
how amazing this ecosystem is?
- (CHUCKLES)
- This is the perfect environment
to tell Gwen about us.
She is going to be so impressed
with how "fu" our "fa" is on this "da."
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
We've got sushi for Millicent,
raw unpeeled carrots for my mom,
and 18 bottles of wine for seven adults.
That's for Gwen.
So she can get a
little loose and be all,
"To your relationship." (CHUCKLES)
Well, I hope you're right
because here she comes now.
BOTH: Hi, Gwen!
(CHUCKLES): Welcome to FaFuDa!
Park wine, madam?
No, thanks, I'm doing dry August.
Oh, and you are doing a great job.
How's dryer? You or the Sahara?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY): You are. You, talk.
Okay, here goes.
Um, Carly and I have some news.
What's up, party people?
I was worried you guys
wouldn't have a foam machine.
I guess I was right.
Thank God I'm here.
Oh, shoot, Paul, I
forgot you were coming.
I didn't order you a shirt.
Oh, and I forgot to be devastated.
Gwen, this is my manager Paul,
who has a lot of nice
things to say about me.
And Paul, this is Gwen,
Millicent's mom and my ex-wife.
What? (CHUCKLES)
How did an unemployed tech
has-been get a stunner like you?
Paul. Enchanté.
I'm not unemployed. I sold my company.
So, what are you doing now?
Well, I've actually been
writing a lot of music.
- It's kind of a Celtic/ska hybrid
- And he produces iCarly.
- I am a very demanding boss.
- Yeah.
- I am always nagging him to
- Mm-hmm.
- send faxes
- Yeah.
and the like.
Can I get a temp check on
me calling you a stunner?
Tepid.
Freddie, I can't believe
you didn't tell me you're unemployed.
Need I remind you this is
an ecosystem based on trust?
Trust is our kelp.
Do you know what happens when
you take kelp from the ocean?
From context clues,
I'd say something bad.
Sometimes you take away the kelp,
and then you add something new,
and it's even better.
You know nothing about science.
I just need a minute to myself.
Oh, lit, I'll go with you.
I feel like he could've done
a better job talking you up.
He's just distracting her
by being a creepy horndog,
and then he's gonna
pivot back to me soon.
Welcome to the first inaugural meeting
of the grandparents club.
- (GROANING)
- Oh, my back.
- Fiber prunes
- No one ever calls me.
- My sciatica is terrible this time of year.
- Give me some help.
My dad couldn't make it, and
I didn't invite my granddad.
I'm just so proud of Carly.
And Freddie. He's the
one who did all the work.
Sounds like he takes after his mother.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Now remember, this is
a secret club meeting.
Carly and Freddie cannot know we know.
Ooh, I feel like I'm
in the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Oh, I'll keep this divine secret.
Subtlety is my middle name.
But, Spencer, can you stay quiet?
Oh, I can keep quiet. I-I
have a middle name, too.
- Ask me what it is.
- What's your middle name?
I'm not telling 'cause
I can keep a secret.
Hey, you two seem to have
squashed your bug beef.
Well, obviously we're
not gonna have creepies
crawling around the house
once the baby is here.
But the bugs won't be
anywhere near the baby.
They'll be at our house.
But my house is our house.
But my house is our house.
BOTH: I thought you
were moving in with me!
Your vacuums give me nightmares.
Looks like I need to suction
up someone's dirty attitude.
I don't like conflict!
Why don't you guys just
both move in with me?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
- No offense, but I would rather die.
We can't tell Gwen now.
The ecosystem is in shambles.
We can get this back on track.
The kelp is gonna be
out of control in here.
Well, I think that would also be bad.
Ooh, big problem with the shirts.
They're so cute, you
literally can't even?
"FaFuPa." Family fun party.
Still works.
But, Carly, it also means
It rhymes with "chalupa"!
Now I get it!
This is fine.
It's gonna be great!
I wish my nanny was here.
This Albariño expresses
a beautiful salinity,
like the ocean.
Reminds me of you (SLURPS)
decadent mermaid.
I have legs.
Yeah, you do.
But my place smells like Freddie.
But my place smells like a damp couch.
Lewbert, did you bring
something for the party?
Two rare Antilles
pinktoe tarantulas. Oh.
Get control of your man.
Hey! You ready for some dope-ass fun?
Oh, dang, you got foam?
It's on like Catherine of Aragon.
First wife of Henry VIII?
We also have sushi.
Awesome.
Oh, and shirts.
That ain't it.
Dang it.
Paul, you still want a sh
Gwen, look, our shirts are matching.
Sign from the universe much?
The universe makes mistakes.
That's what my mom always says.
Do you want to meet her?
Gwen, check out the fun, stable
ecosystem happening over
- You are my family, and they are my family!
- No
Hey, Millicent, do I look cool?
Sun's out, guns out.
There! Spencer!
He can be stable.
I'm so happy!
Ah! Is that too tight?
Are you okay? How do you feel?
A little weird right now.
Of course you feel weird.
(VOICE BREAKING):
That makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna get some sushi.
What? No. You can't have sushi!
Spencer, what are you doing?
Just be glad he didn't get to the wine.
A dry FaFuDa is worse than a dry FaFuPa.
- I'll cheers to that.
- No!
I don't think my Spotify
playlist can save this.
But the foam can.
- Can we get the foam going?
- Foam?
Toxic, slippery, sexy foam? (SCREAMS)
Why would you do that?
That was FaRuDa.
'Cause, Paul, I'm protecting Carly.
Yes! I beat him! I was discreet
about Carly's little meatball
in her spaghetti taco,
but Spencer just blurted
out that Carly's pregnant!
- Congratulations!
- What?
(SQUEALING)
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- SPENCER: Hey, hey, hey.
I've got a whole gender reveal
party in the trunk of my car.
Let's start a forest
fire and love this kid.
(CHUCKLES): Is this true?
Are we having a baby together?
No, Freddie. I-I'm not pregnant.
Wait, you two are together?
BOTH: Hi, Gwen.
Yes, we were going to tell you.
- That's why we threw this party, for you.
- Yeah.
So, you lied to me about
your job, a huge relationship,
all these disruptions to
our daughter's environment,
and what? You thought
I'd be chill about it
if you threw me some
park wine, a FUPA shirt,
- and this freaking guy?
- Paul. Enchanté.
You know what, Freddie?
This ecosystem has been evaluated.
Millicent can't stay here.
Baby, when I leave,
you're coming with me.
Look, you're right. Okay? We
should have told you sooner.
But, Gwen, can we please talk about this
before you take Millicent away?
Millicent needs a stable environment.
Does this look like that to you?
First I lose a grandchild,
and now you're gonna take away my niece
at my gender reveal party?
Hey, where is Millicent anyway?
If Carly isn't preggo, let's
kick off this foam party.
Inhibitions optional.
I've waited 20 years
for this family cookout,
and you all are ruining it!
Wait, am I the stern auntie?
This is not healthy for our daughter.
Gwen, she's happy here.
(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)
Can I join you?
I had a bad case of FOMOOF.
"Fear of Missing Out on Foam."
Yeah, whatever.
You okay?
I love a train wreck
but not when I'm a passenger.
Your parents are just trying to
figure out what's best for you.
Then why don't they just ask me?
"Hey, Mills, would you like
to spend your formative years
in the Pacific Garbage Patch?"
Well, would you?
I love my mom, but this is my home.
With Dad and Grandma
B and the rest of you.
The rest, you say? (CHUCKLES)
Who might that include? (MOUTHS)
Harper, Spencer, Lewbert.
Don't make me say it.
Look, I may not know much
about crowns or placentinas,
but I do know that if you
feel strongly about something,
you got to speak up for yourself.
Thanks for listening, Carly.
I will.
Actually, you already did.
Millicent, I'm sorry we
didn't ask you what you wanted.
Carly, thanks for jumping in.
I'm glad you're part of our ecosystem.
This just in, Hurricane Carly dumping
massive amounts of compassion
into this pile of foam.
(CHUCKLES)
Millicent, this does seems
like the best place for you.
Although the Garbage Patch
really does shimmer this time of year.
Aren't you glad we waited
to tell you we were together?
Yeah, but in the future,
you both have my email.
What a beautiful, touching moment.
I would say, if anyone were pregnant,
now would be an amazing time to tell me.
Gwen, are you sure
you don't want to stay?
My building has a business center.
So does my boat.
Wi-Fi's got to be spotty.
Thanks, Mom.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Aw, get in here. You, too, Carly.
Only one more thing we need.
Hit it, Luther!
(DISTORTED MUSIC
PLAYS, SPEAKER CRACKLES)
Oh, whatever, that was Spencer's.
I don't care where we live,
as long as we still get
to have moments like these.
We can live at your place, orange rind.
- Yay! That was the right answer.
- (CHUCKLES)
Now, one more little point of business.
Has anyone seen my friend Emmett?
Little hairy, bit of an introvert,
but really warms up
when you get to know him.
And also he's a tarantula.
- Run!
- (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
What?
(SCREAMING)
Ooh!