In Living Color (1990) s03e09 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a trip and sip on a dream Glide with the guide on a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go [Announcer.]
Twentieth-Century Fox presents.
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starring Oswald Bates.
[Gravelly Voice.]
I wanna talk to you, Bates.
Don't you knock before "enamatizin"' a room? Just shut up and listen.
One of your ex-buddies, Billy Bear, just busted out of prison.
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and you're gonna help me find him.
You got no choice, convict.
You cannot expectorate me to digest my secretions.
Kiss my beehive.
Look, Bates.
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help me find him, I'll give ya anything you want.
.
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anything! Just tell me what you want! I need to assist my penal implanter.
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and lactify my oral embankment.
In other words.
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.
I need a dictionary.
You got it, Bates.
[Country.]
Ever been in a country bar, Bates? These good ol' boys are gonna love you.
I can fondle my own piece cool.
Think so, convict? I can't wait to see it.
Hell, I'm even gonna give you a badge.
Your siliconic gyrations got my delicatessen open.
Bitch.
- Howdy.
- Doody.
Want do you want to drink? A black Russian? - [All Laughing.]
- [High-pitched Laugh.]
How'd you like me to suppositorily tenderize your posterior? Not to mention your "pusterior.
" - Where's Boo-boo Bear? - What the hell are you talking about? Relate the "definicious" locality of Boo-boo Bear.
.
.
or else be "circumvised.
" I don't have to tell you nothin'.
On the contraire, my redneck eclair.
I've been "pigmatized.
" My colon card.
Okay, you're a cop.
But I can't understand you.
What we have here is a failure to "ejacubate.
" I don't know what you're sayin', but I'm gonna kick your butt.
Go, ahead.
Make my "goombag.
" [Groaning, Yelling.]
Listen up, "au-revoir-ckers.
" I'm about to fornicate your innermost ovulations.
We don't understand what you're saying.
Regurgitate, or be Turtle-Wax.
[Glass Shatters.]
Look.
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.
if somebody doesn't tell him where he is.
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not only is my throat gonna get sore.
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but he's gonna be talkin' like this all night long.
Please, not that.
Okay? Billy Bear lives next door.
Second-floor apartment.
A'ight, Colonel Sanders.
Remember, there's a new "doo-shay" in town.
[Announcer.]
coming soon to a theater near you.
[Announcer.]
He was a peace officer.
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.
but he wanted morethan just peace on the streets.
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he wanted peacein his eternal soul.
Armed with only a gold badge and those stripesof gold paint down his nose, he was.
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He was the toughest copto ever hit the streets.
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whether he was walking a beator banging one out on his tambourine.
[Gunshots Ricocheting.]
[Announcer.]
But one daythe tambourine stopped beating.
Partner! No! Oh, my God! No! Why couldn't it have been me? Why did it have to be Rajnisattva? Hey, Jake.
Did you get him? Go ahead, kid.
Run along and play.
Get outta here.
Maybe later, Jake.
But now we have to catch the guy who shot me.
Is that you? Rajnisattva? What do you think? It is you, little buddy! And, oh, yeah, my name's Timmy now.
Officer Timmy.
Okay.
Let's go, Officer Timmy.
- Hey! Freeze! - [Announcer.]
Krishna Cop.
Destined to be reincarnatedagain and again.
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until the city streets are finally safefor peace-loving citizens.
Freeze! - He's got more soul than James Brown.
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.
- [Gunshot.]
And more lives than Shirley MacLaine.
Oy! - They say a cat has nine lives.
- [Barks.]
[Gunshot.]
Well, that's a slow day for Krishna Cop.
! - [Car Horn Honking.]
- Kids, sounds like Dad's home.
- Yea! - Yea! [Man.]
Home from a long dayofhosting a popular game show.
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it's professional quizmasterand host of this household.
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Bill Benson.
! - [Theme.]
- [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Thank you, and good evening.
Now let's say hello to my cohost for the last 15 years.
She's a homemaker and a mother of two.
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my wifeJanet.
- Hi, Bill! - [Audience Applauding.]
Janet, why don't you tell us what's in tonight's dinner showcase? Tonight's dinner prize package includes.
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an evening's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
And for dessert we'll be having Certs with Retsyn.
That's Certs.
It's like two.
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two.
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two mints in one.
Yummy! Now let's meet our two children.
Conceived in the back seat of a '62 Ford.
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and the reason her mother and father"had to"get married.
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.
[Janet Laughs.]
Oh, Bill.
! Our daughter, age 15,Jenny Benson.
! - Come on down! - [Audience Applauding.]
Good to have you back in the living room, Jen.
All right, now, our next contestant.
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he doesn't like sports.
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or so he says.
But his mother and I both know he's tooembarrassed about his lack of endowment.
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to shower with the other boys.
Our son, age 13, Chris Benson.
! Come on down! [Audience Applauding.]
Okay, kids, you know the rules.
Now let's get right to the game.
Now, our first item.
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is a handsome ceramic table lamp.
Janet? Handcrafted in Mexico.
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but destroyed by a tennis ball here in the Benson living room.
Once valued at $250.
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it's now completely worthless.
Okay, contestants, who broke the damn lamp? [Countdown.]
Remember, no one eats until they speak up.
- Jenny.
! - It was Chris! He did it! Chris, I'm sorry.
I guess that makes you our big loser.
You'll be heading upstairs to bedwithout any dinner.
But thank you for playing with usthis evening.
Thanks! I really had a good time! All righty, then.
- And Jenny, you'll also be going upstairs.
- But why? Because the password is "snitch"! But we have some lovelyparting gifts for you.
Jenny, you'll be receiving a month's supply of birth control pills.
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as well as the upstairs version of our home game! Thanks! I really enjoyed playing the game! Well, that's all that matters, Jenny.
Now beat it! Bye-bye.
Oh, Janet, you know what I'd like to do.
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while the kids are upstairs in their soundproof bedrooms? Hmm.
I'm gonna say.
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make whoopee? She said, "Make whoopee.
" I said, "Fall asleep watching the ball game.
" Oh, Bill! You never wanna do it anymore! Look who's talking.
You're as cold as our Frigidaire! And with twice the storage space! Watch it, Bill.
I think our marriage might be in serious Jeopardy.
! Then I'll take " Mistresses with Large Breasts" for 200.
[Horn Sounding.]
You've just hit the Daily Double.
If you answer correctly, I could win a divorce and half your belongings.
Here's the answer: Bill, she's been your lunch breakfor the last five years.
[Countdown.]
Who is my secretary? - [Bell Dinging.]
- Sounds like I'm correct! - I'm going to kill you, you rotten bastard! - [Laughs.]
Judges? - [Bell Dinging.]
- Sounds like they're going to allow that.
And how's she gonna kill me today? She's gonna do it in style with a distinctive set of fine china from Royal Dalton.
Royal Dalton adds a touch of elegance to any vicious attack.
But that's not all, Bill.
I'll also be pummeling you with pots and pans from Ekco Non-stick Wear.
Ekco.
Even the messiest blood won't stick to it.
- [Birds Twittering.]
- Kids! And I suppose you'll be taking the children.
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on an all-expense-paid vacation to your mother's house.
That's right, Bill.
But that's not all.
We'll be leaving you in your brand-new car! [Gasps.]
Well, that's it for today's game.
Tune in tomorrow when I'll play with nubile young coeds.
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on The Rebound Game.
- [Theme.]
- [Audience Applauding.]
[Announcer.]
And now another episodeofThe Head Detective.
I'm telling you, partner.
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.
I never thought this hard-boiled head would ever go soft for a dame.
But this blonde-haired, green-nosed hot potato knocked me for a loop.
Just look.
Hey.
What's her name? Candy.
Candy Yam.
[Laughs.]
Whoa! Look at those taters.
Sounds like you're in love, Head.
Love's not the word, partner.
I'm crazy, head-over-heels about her.
I can't wait.
I'm taking her to the beach today.
[Female Dispatcher.]
Car 63, we have a robbery in progress.
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at First State Bank, Fourth and Main.
That's affirmative.
All right, Head, time to go to work.
Let's roll.
[Imitating Siren.]
[Tires Screech.]
Sorry about that.
All right, everybody freeze! Police! You folks can relax.
- Which way did they go? - [Stammering.]
I don't know.
They got away.
Damn! That's the fifth time this week.
Well, let's get to work.
Oh, man, with all the questions and paperwork, there goes my date tonight.
All right, Head.
I'll wrap it up around here.
- You go on.
- Really? You'd do that for me, partner? Get outta here, you knucklehead.
- Thanks, partner! - Have fun! I have to tell you, honey.
.
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I'm really potato-whipped.
Mm-hmm! Wanna neck? - That's the same thing my doctor asked me.
- [Both Laughing.]
Hey! I'm gettin' wet! - All right.
You positive it was a woman? - Yes, yes.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to describe her, if you can.
All right.
She was very short.
.
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about five inches.
- Five inches? - Mm-hmm.
Uh, she had a kind of a pear-shaped face and no legs.
- She had nice feet, though.
- Okay, nice feet.
Um, she had red hair and a blue nose.
Her ears were round, and they kind of jutted out to the side.
And she always seemed to be smiling.
Mmm.
Okay.
Take a look at this and tell me what you think.
[Gasps.]
That's her.
This woman has robbed five banks in the past week.
We can't seem to track her down.
[Sighs.]
Hey.
Wait a minute.
Come on.
Hmm.
Now, if I were to do this.
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.
Uh-huh.
And make that blue nose a green one.
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.
Oh, my God.
I've got to warn Head.
Call the police.
Tell 'em to meet me at the beach district.
[Both Laughing.]
I just have to go powder my nose and put on my face.
See ya in a second.
Okay, cutie pie.
I'll be right here.
[Thud.]
Head.
Head.
Thank God I found you.
I've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing here? I got some bad news, Head.
Our bank robber.
.
.
It's Candy.
Oh, God! I'm sorry, pal.
I didn't want to have to break it to you like this.
- [Candy.]
Okay, this is a stick-up.
! - Candy! Well, pal, I guess it's time for us to peel that potato.
Come on! Hurry it up, before I lose my stuffin'! All right, police! Freeze! Put the gun down, Mrs.
Yam.
Those gorgeous eyes don't faze me.
No, don't shoot, man.
Candy, let me talk to ya.
Okay, you can come, Head.
But the copper with the gun stays put! You sure you know what you're doing, partner? Trust me, man.
This potato seems like she got a chip on her shoulder.
Set me down nice and easy.
You heard me.
Back off, copper! - Oh, Candy.
Why didn't you tell me? - I tried.
But every time I opened my mouth it just came out half-baked.
Gee, I always dreamed of the two of us in a little house with a white picket fence.
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maybe a couple of tater tots running around.
You got under my skin.
That's more than anyone else ever did.
Take care of yourself.
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you big lunkhead.
Candy, stop.
Candy.
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.
No! - Aaah! - [Splash.]
[Weeping.]
I loved her, man.
I really loved her.
Aw, forget it, Head.
This is Burgertown.
Not her eyes.
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.
You're eating her eyes.
[Announcer.]
This has beenanother episode ofThe Head Detective.
This young lady was the first artist to perform on In Living Color.
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and we're delighted to have her back.
You can currently catch her act as one of the stars of House Party 2.
Please welcome Tommy Boy recording artist Queen Latifah.
[Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
[Queen Latifah Rapping.]
[Rapping Continues.]
[Continues.]
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[Continues.]
[Ends.]