It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e09 Episode Script

Dee's bringing another boyfriend? She won't shut up about this one.
He's a local rapper.
He's like some hotshot rapper.
What's his name? Lil' Jeff.
Lil' Joe.
It's was, like, Jonathan, Little Michael.
Lil' Kev? Little Lil' Kev.
Shit.
I've heard about him.
He's a local celebrity.
He's supposed to be the next Eminem.
What is he? Like a small guy or little guy? No, probably not.
I think it's just a rapper thing.
Lil' Kim.
Yeah, it's like You never know though.
He could have, like, a little hand or a little foot or something.
I doubt he'd want to call attention to that by calling himself Lil' Kev.
That could be his thing.
Biggie Smalls was fat.
Yeah.
He was big and small.
You know, and, like Right.
I guess his head was small, but his body was big.
So this guy could have, like, a little hand and a giant body.
What's up, hos? I'd like you to meet somebody.
Kevin, these are the clowns I work with.
Oh, this your crew, baby? Mm-hmm.
Girl, you silly.
They ain't no clowns.
What up, fellas? What's up, man? Hey, man.
How's it going? I gots to get back to the studio, but I'll holler at you later, okay, pooh bear? Mm-hmm.
Yo, later, fellas.
See ya, man.
Yeah.
Boom.
Yep, you're seein' it.
Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a like, a little hand? Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.
Nah.
Well, dude, it's possible.
The shoes were the same size, but his hand was like He doesn't have a little hand or a little foot.
Wait.
Did that guy go to Waldron? I don't know.
Is his name Kevin Gallagher? Yes.
Holy shit.
No, that guy's retarded.
Well, you're retarded.
No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying he is an actual retarded person.
We went to elementary school together.
He used to take classes in a trailer outside school.
He rode the short bus.
Whatever.
You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded? There is no way I am dating a retarded person.
But he's so tough and popular and famous.
I mean, he's a successful musician.
Jesus, sweetie.
The guy might be retarded.
Yeah, but he might not be.
Plus, he gives me things.
Did you guys see this necklace? It's got diamonds in it.
L I gotta think about this.
Come take a look at my elementary school yearbook sometime, Dee.
He's retarded.
Uh, guys, I'm getting an idea.
Charlie, follow me on this one for a second.
Okay.
Retarded or not I mean, clearly there's something off about that guy.
Oh, no.
That guy's very messed up.
Yeah.
No, he's I'm saying he's retarded.
Yeah, whatever.
But he's an up-and-coming musician.
I mean, he's, like really building a following in this city.
He's like the next Eminem.
Right.
He's supposed to be big.
Okay.
So, if he can do it, why can't we? I can't argue that logic, man.
What are you suggesting? I'm thinking we start a band.
Holy shit.
Yeah! Yeah? We're in a band! Yeah! Let's do it! I've always wanted to be a rock god.
If he's getting chicks Ooh! Ooh, ooh.
Why are you "ooh, oohing" me? Why are you You're not in it.
Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
You do have a great voice.
You have an excellent voice.
But the problem is you're into all that early '80s glam rock fem shit and it's just not the artistic direction I want to take the band in.
Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Well, no Okay, well, that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking cool and kicking ass.
Yeah, I think he's right.
It's all about image and marketing.
I mean, there's no bands out there with any musical ability.
Frank, I like the way you think.
You're in the band.
Oh! Wow.
Dude, don't overreact about it, man.
See you, buddy.
Frank, get out that checkbook.
You're gonna buy us some instruments.
Yeah, brother.
That's a hot guitar.
You got, uh, graphite reinforced neck, 35 inch scale, two humbuckers.
Yeah, guy, move over six inches.
Oh, yeah.
Um, yeah, so I was saying Yeah, that's it.
Shut up.
Soak it in.
Uh, so I was saying, uh, graphite reinforced neck Boom.
Yeah.
Shh.
That's the one.
Check this thing out, man.
It's like a weapon.
Cool, bro.
Holy shit.
Where did you learn how to play like that? Oh, man, keyboards just make sense to me, man.
I get 'em, you know? Charlie, you're amazing.
Hey, man, you're gonna be our ace in the hole.
You know what though? Can I talk to you for a second about this? Sure.
Any way that I can be in the back of the stage or, like, behind some kind of curtain? Why? Well, can I bare my soul to you for a second, man? Of course, buddy.
This is huge for me.
I've always wanted to do this.
Mm-hmm.
It's, like, this is a big deal.
I've just always been afraid that people are gonna boo me or they're gonna hate me.
It's why I've never pursued my dreams, man.
So, I mean, if that happens it's gonna crush me, I'm gonna crumble, I'm gonna fall to pieces, I'm gonna scream.
You're not listening to what I'm saying, are you? Totally.
Dude, I think we should do, like, a Sex Pistols thing, right? Where I'm Sid Vicious and you're Johnny Rotten.
No, no.
I'm Simon and you're Garfunkel, if anything.
No.
You're Axl.
I'm Slash.
No.
I'm Holland Oates.
You're, like, Peter Gabriel.
Hall and Oates is two separate people.
No.
Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name, dude.
Whatever, dude.
I just wanna kick ass.
Hey.
You with that bald guy? Yeah.
Yeah, well, get him out of here, or I'm calling the cops.
I'm taking these.
There he is.
Good old Special K.
He is drooling on himself.
Well, so what? He's, like, seven in this yearbook.
Okay, if I'm gonna break up with this guy, I need some proof.
Well, look, Dee, you're free to date whoever you want, okay? I just think you should know whether or not you're gold-digging a retarded guy.
Okay, number one, I'm not gold-digging anybody, okay? I really like this guy.
And second of all, this doesn't prove that he's retarded.
You want proof? I want proof.
When are you seeing him next? I'm picking him up in, like, an hour.
You're picking him up? He doesn't drive.
Ooh.
Uh, that's funny 'cause people who aren't retarded usually drive.
Retarded one.
Normal zero.
Not bad, Dennis.
Nice neighborhood.
Owns his own house.
Three stories.
Looks like it's retarded one, normal one.
Yes? Oh, hi.
I think we have the wrong address.
Are you Dee? Yeah.
Who are you? I'm Kevin's mom.
Come on in.
Oh, lives with his mom.
I think I'll be taking that point back.
Kevin's in his room.
Go on up if you like.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Gallagher.
You must be very, very proud of your son.
I mean, he has overcome some pretty difficult odds.
Yes, he has.
Well, you're talking about the rapping.
Excuse me? Those odds you're referring to, you're talking about his rapping career.
I guess.
Mrs.
Gallagher would you describe your son as a "special" guy? No, you can't do that.
Why can't I do that? What's wrong Because he's her son.
Of course he's special.
That's an easy yes.
You think he's special, right? Well, yes.
Yeah, that means nothing to me.
That means a whole lot.
Retarded three, normal zero.
Hold on.
Hang on.
How come you got that point? That was my point.
What That was my point.
Retarded two, normal one.
She practically came out and told us he was retarded.
Retarded four, normal zero.
Whoa! Hold on a second.
Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four.
Let's see.
There's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook the overcoming the odds, the living with the mom and now the special thing.
You know what? It's not four.
It's five.
Yeah? Are you the point king? You pick up points left and right? It's retarded three, normal one.
Oh, come on.
There's so much more retarded stuff that What's up? Hey! Oh, you brought your crew, baby.
This is my brother, Dennis, and he's gonna give us a ride.
Oh, snap! What up, son? Hey.
I didn't know we were doing all that.
Yo, I gotta grab a couple of things.
Be ready to "rizzoll.
" Man, that's retard strength if I've ever seen it.
You know what I mean? Shut your mouth.
Go! Go! Go! All right, stop! Stop! Why are you not singing? Well, uh, it doesn't sound very good.
Well, then huff some glue, bro.
Oh, I've been huffing glue, guys.
Then growl into the microphone, Charlie.
No.
This is I don't even wanna growl.
I'm not a growler.
Wait.
Band meeting! Band meeting! Yeah, band meeting! We need to have a band meeting! Hold on a minute! We're sittin' around here practicin' like a bunch of pansies! We should be out gettin' wasted and breakin' shit! Frank's absolutely right.
How can we be rock stars if we're not living like rock stars? Well, okay.
If we live like rock stars, the music will come! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
The music will come, Charlie! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, dude! What are you doing? That's my good chair.
That's your good chair? Yeah.
It's covered in bird shit.
No.
That's toothpaste, man.
That's clearly bird shit.
No, it's not.
It's toothpaste.
Do you even own a toothbrush? I, uh Look, don't break my chair.
Oh, my God! No! Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Charlie is right.
We should not be breaking our own shit.
We should be out there breaking other people's shit.
That's rock and roll.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! You feeling better, Charlie? Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Keep smashing things, guys! It's a ripple effect! Hey, how'd you guys get a hotel room without putting a credit card down? We did use a credit card, man.
I took it out of your wallet.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
My credit card number's down at the desk? Yeah.
You mean we're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk! Why-Why-Why would you do that? Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting down a credit card, Frank.
What year do you think it is? Well, we gotta put this stuff back together again.
What? Get the glue.
Charlie, you gotta get the glue.
What? Glue is for huffing, dude.
Get me the glue! Get me the glue! It's a part of his process.
This is not rock and roll! Oh, this shit is funny! You like this movie? Your shirt's on backwards.
What? Oh, snap! It is.
Oh, look! We need to break up.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir! Hey.
Where's your suit? I'm not wearing the suit, Frank, because it's lame, and you look like a pussy.
That-That defeats the whole purpose.
I mean, the idea is to trick the moms into letting the kids bop with us.
It's not the '50s anymore, Frank.
The kids aren't bopping anymore.
They're banging each other and doing meth before they hit grade school.
Well, can I at least pick the name of the band? What do you got? The Pecan Sandies.
Isn't that a cookie? Yeah, it's a cookie, but it's got another meaning.
What's the other meaning? What? Other than a cookie, what's the other meaning? It's a, you know It's a It's a sexual meaning.
No, we are not the Pecan Sandies, all right? We are Chemical Toilet.
Because chicks want guys that wear tight pants and tattered clothing and spit blood not guys dressed like waiters who name themselves after desserts.
We are Chemical Toilet.
Charlie! Porta-potty.
Hey, how's that song coming? Yeah, I'll be out in a second, all right? And, Frank, who the hell is this guy? Ah, that's Ernie.
He works for beer.
He looks a little tangled up.
Does he know anything about hooking up that electrical equipment? No.
Okay, okay.
I'm ready to rock.
And who are you supposed to be? Bob Dylan, man.
Jesus Christ.
We are all over the place.
Check this out.
Is this a page from a coloring book? No, dude.
That's "Night Man.
" Those are lyrics.
Whatever.
Let's just rock.
"Night Man," baby.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Let's rock and roll! Yeeha! All right.
Where's my curtain? Don't worry about the curtain.
You're not gonna need it.
I want a curtain blocking my face.
You don't need it.
Go on.
Go have a beer, Ernie.
Okay.
All right.
Ready? Five, six, seven, eight.
Night Man sneaky and mean Spider inside my dreams I think I love you You make me wanna cry You make me wanna die I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, Night Man Every night you come into my room and pin me down With your strong arms You pin me down And I try to fight you You come inside me, You fill me up Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And I become the Night Man Charlie, Charlie.
Whoa, Charlie, hold on a second.
The first half of that song was kinda cool, but what's with the second half? It's about the Night Man, like, filling me up, and I become him.
I become the spirit of the Night Man.
It sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? All right.
No.
It's just two men sharing the night It might seem wrong but it's just right It's just two men sharing each other It's just two men like lovin' brothers One on top and one on bottom One inside and one is out One is screamin' He's so happy The other's screamin' a passionate shout It's the Night Man They're feeling so wrong and right, man They're feeling so wrong and right, man I can't fight you, man when you come inside me And pin me down with your strong hands And I become the Night The passionate passionate Night Man We need a new front man.
Right.
You want someone with a good voice Yes.
Who's attractive Yes.
Someone with charisma.
Yes.
Well, I've got an awful lot of reading to do.
Do you wanna be in the band or not, dude? Can I wear spandex? I'd rather you didn't.
I think I'm gonna wear spandex.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Let me see it.
What if I did something like this? Ready? Let me see.
I give a kick, but then I'm gonna stomp down.
A kick is good, stomp is good.
You know what mean? Like That's good.
Every time I stomp, you do that.
That's good.
Oh, man.
Really? Come on, dude.
What's with the sash and the codpiece? Don't be afraid of a little sex appeal, Mac.
You look like a drag queen.
I look like a rock god.
All right, here's the song.
What the hell is this, a page from a coloring book? It's a song Charlie wrote.
It's called "Night Man.
" Skip the raping parts and get on stage.
Very well.
Well, I just broke up with Kevin.
We're trying to practice.
I can't do it.
I can't get it out of my head.
I don't know if he's retarded, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here.
I was gonna ride this guy to the top.
You know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos.
Look, the guy's not retarded, okay? What? Yeah.
I was just saying that to mess with you.
Why? Why would you do something like that? I thought it'd be funny.
It's not funny.
It's not funny at all.
This guy's perfect for me, and you've blown it and ruined everything.
You are a bad, bad person.
Ew.
All right.
Ready, guys? So, that guy's not retarded? Oh, no, he's totally retarded.
All right, let's rock.
Five, six, seven, eight.
They took you, Night Man and you don't belong to them They locked me in a world of darkness Without your sexy hands And I miss you, Night Man so bad Stupid, can't write Charlie? Oh, oh.
Let's join forces.
Hello! Come right in.
I will.
What happened to your band? Kicked me out.
Well, it hurts, doesn't it? Hmm.
What's with the, uh, curtains? I'm living in a world of darkness.
Right.
Let's get some light in here.
Whoa.
What's with the spray paint, man? Uh What's with your outfit, man? Why don't we put the curtains back up? No, no.
What is going on up here? I never know, man.
Daylight.
Yeah, I like that.
Day Day Man Day Man.
Fighter of the Night Man Champion of the Sun Sun You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone Day Man That's it! Day Man, ah, ah, ahh Fighter of the Night Man Ah, ah, ahh Champion of the sun Ah, ah Do you want some? No.
You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone Day Man Day Man, Ah, ah, ahh Nice.
We'll get the Fighter of the Night Man, Ah, ah, ahh Champion of the sun Ladies and gentlemen, we are Electric Dream Machine.
Prepare to experience sexual magic.
Day Man Ah, ah, ahh Fighter of the Night Man Ah, ah, ahh Champion of the sun Gay! Ah, ah, ahh You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone Get off the stage! Day Man Come on.
All right, rock it.
Day Man Ah, ah, ahh Come on! Come on! Come on.
Dance Of the Night Man Why are you booing? No! It's good! Why are you Ah, ah, ahh Screw you guys.
Goddamn it, Charlie.
I'm so glad we worked out.
I'm sorry I was all wishy-washy before.
Yeah, girl.
You was more mixed-up than a milk shake.
I know.
It's my brother's fault though.
You're not gonna believe this.
He tried to convince me that you were retarded.
Uh, what? Yo, what? That's bananas, girl.
I know.
You're not retarded, are you? All right, Paddy's! You ready to rock? Yeah! No? Yeah! What up, Paddy's? Make some noise! Get off.
Get off the stage, idiot.
Come on, idiot.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bust a little freestyle for you.
This one's for my girl, Dee.
This one's for you, baby.
Word! Yo! Let me tell y'all a story 'bout a girl I knew A brokeass bitch with a gayass crew She said that I was cute She said that I was funny But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass Her body like a skeleton in science class Face beat up by the school of hard knocks Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox It's like she's skinny but fat in all the wrong places Mothers gotta cover their babies' faces When she walks by people think she's Godzilla Straight out of Compton No, y'all, straight outta "Thriller" Looking like a zombie Walking like a chicken Mouth full of shit That's why her breath be stinkin' Just one question, Dee before you take your bow This gravy train's leavin' so who's retarded now Hey.
Ladies.
Later, bitch.
I don't think he's retarded.
Mmmmm.
Hmm.