Jane the Virgin (2014) s03e09 Episode Script
Chapter Fifty-Three
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, let's do this thing.
As you know, Jane married Michael, but then he was shot.
And even though he recovered, he didn't pass the physical for work, so he couldn't be a detective anymore.
Bright side, he'd settled on a new career.
- How about a lawyer? - Exciting, huh? Also exciting, Jane's father, Rogelio, met a matchmaker, only he made a match with her or rather, a business arrangement.
Not to date, just to have a baby with.
But then he developed real feelings for Darci, - which was a big old no-no.
- But you got to get over it if you want to have a baby with me.
And speaking of complicated relationships, Xo is back together with her old flame, Bruce.
Oh, and Jane's baby daddy, Rafael, he was dating Jane's cousin, Catalina, who Jane thought was pretty damn shady.
But she wasn't as shady as Petra's twin sister, Anezka.
You recall Anezka paralyzed Petra and then took her place, and to make matters worse, she started dating Scott as Petra.
I know! Traumatic, right? So, when Petra finally woke up, well she was pissed.
I was freaking paralyzed and nobody even noticed.
Oh, and one last thing Rafael recently found out he wasn't really a Solano, and then he discovered an addendum to his father's will, leaving everything to his biological children, which means if that will comes to light well, Rafael stands to lose a lot of money, that is.
Which, my friends, is where we left off.
It should be noted that Jane Gloriana Villanueva knew her husband, well, like she knew herself.
The Law Offices of Michael Cordero Jr.
I like the sound of that.
So, she knew when he decided to be a lawyer, well, there was no stopping him MICHAEL: Though the evidence against the defendant is circumstantial, it does fit a pattern of behavior, Your Honor.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: from pretending he already was one.
Objection! Your Honor, the defendant is way too cute, and the prosecution is way too sexy.
Objection sustained.
High fives.
So Good news and bad news.
Good news, you can take the LSAT at the end of this month.
- - Bad news, I got to take the - - LSAT at the end of the month - - and I suck at tests.
Standardized testing is about learning the rules, the tricks.
You're trying to work in your SAT scores again, aren't you? No but, Mateo, Mommy did really well.
Let me help you.
No, no way.
Recipe for disaster.
I just think it'd be smarter for us to separate church and state, you know? Yeah.
You're probably right.
But maybe you can make me one of your patented calendars.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, it was the most romantic thing he could have said.
It just so happens that I'm making myself one to finish my thesis.
Add me in.
(gasps) I'd love to.
Good and schedule in lots of sex.
Which she did, for the record Mmm.
As reward incentive for lots and lots of studying.
And I have to say, so far, separating church and state has proved highly productive (laughs) I can't believe it.
I actually finished a draft of my novel.
For church, anyway.
Congrats, babe.
State has taken a more laid-back approach, which is totally stressing church out.
So, what's on the agenda today? Uh, same.
Just hitting the books.
Oh, did I tell you I got an e-mail confirming my interview with Putnam Law School on Wednesday? What? No.
- You never mentioned.
- No! Run.
Run.
Come on.
Michael, Putnam's the ideal law school.
It's one of the good ones.
It's cheaper and close to where we live.
I know, that's why I'm busting my butt studying.
The-the game helps me relax and focus.
Weren't you gonna drop your novel off with your mom? Which, for the record, is exactly what she planned to do.
Hey, Dad.
Where's Mom? I want to give her my Bracelet.
Mom - wanted to borrow it.
- She was running late coming back from Bruce's.
Shoot, I can't wait.
I can't wait, either.
ALBA: Mm-hmm.
Bye-bye, bracelet.
I came here to invite everyone to the last day of shooting for Tiago.
Okay, to be honest, I'm also here to soak in all of these lovely family vibes before I see Darci again.
Is it time? To explain: Rogelio had not seen Darci since his feelings mm, came up.
Oh, my! These three weeks apart were just what I needed.
Whenever my feelings for her would arise, I tamped them down and reminded myself what I'm fighting for: our potential child.
Dad, what is that? A composite baby half me, - half Darci.
- Uy.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And 100% creepy.
- Yeah.
I can't even look at it.
And luckily I don't have to.
Aw, there's the cutest face on the planet.
Okay, he's cute, too.
WOMAN: Wow! He's really putting words together.
- - (chuckles): Yeah, geez.
Chauncy, what do you say? Mom That was a full sentence.
I mean, I can hardly understand him, but sure, that's a full sentence.
- Is Jules talking? - Not like that.
I mean, âmama, Dada.
â - Exactly.
- âBall.
â âUp.
â âBabaâ for âbottle.
â âDoggie.
â - Maybe, like, 20 words.
- Whoa.
(gasps) 21.
(laughs) Don't stress.
All kids learn at different rates.
Yeah.
I'm not stressed.
Mateo! Don't put that rock in your mouth! RAFAEL: A sentence? I mean, the grammar was all over the place, but yes.
Huh.
Should we check in with Dr.
Garcia? If you think so.
You've already made an appointment.
- 11:30 tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, Mateo, let's go play with your sisters.
Have fun, - Mr.
Sweetface.
- Bye! Oh-ho.
So, where's Cat? The days when I have three kids aren't really her speed.
Gotcha.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'll remind you, Catalina isn't really Jane's speed these days.
But since you asked I'm gonna end things with her.
Oh, really? Stop pretending You're obviously happy.
I'm not.
Okay, fine, I'm a little happy.
Unless you're sad.
I'm fine.
I just don't need the distraction right now.
Actually, there's, um, something else I wanted to tell you.
A few weeks ago, I found an addendum to my father's will, and I've decided to probate it.
I'm meeting with my lawyer on Friday, and you know, after that, things could change for me.
Financially.
Substantially.
Whatever happens, you'll be fine.
We'll all be fine.
RAFAEL: Thanks.
That means a lot to me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Someone doesn't look fine.
But she sure does.
Ah! Petra, darling! To catch you up, these two first met about three weeks ago.
Hello there.
I'm Catalina, and I just thought I should introduce myself, because I'm dating Rafael and redesigning the hotel menu! (laughs) Anything else? I'm also Jane's cousin.
Oh.
You went shopping on Ocean Drive.
(laughs): Oh, no, I'm not a hundred! I love your watch.
Trés chic.
Mm.
So, I have a proposition for you.
Sexual? Financial.
(laughs): Oh, what makes you think I need money? I googled your ex-husband.
Oh, please, there's no other reason you'd marry that guy.
Trust me, I'd know.
(cash register rings) So, Rafael's ending things with you.
And Jane couldn't be happier about it.
And clearly, you're trying to manipulate me.
Oh, I absolutely am.
You see, we're alike, you and I, so I know an opportunist when I see one.
And if a situation's not working, you might as well see what you can get out of it, hmm? Well, here's what you can get.
$10,000.
And all you have to do is take Rafael away for one night.
(bell dings, doors open) I'll think about it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, she's a hard one to read.
JANE: Promise you'll read it soon.
I just need to know if I can give it to Abuela.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You'll recall Jane's novel is loosely based on her grandmother's feud - with her family in Venezuela.
- Mm.
I'm sure she'll love it.
Hmm.
She seems weirdly into it.
Ah, yes, I almost forgot.
These two are still in the honeymoon phase.
Lots of PDA.
- - My bracelet? So, I guess I should head home.
Is Michael still irritable? So irritable.
Which I get.
LSATs are grueling.
Oh, yeah.
I was so stressed, my ulcer had an ulcer.
Then I got to the first year of law school and I realized, ha, that was nothin'.
I basically lived in the law library.
And then it was 90 hours a week in the office racking up billable hours, massive student debt.
God, it was hard.
That's when my marriage really fell apart.
But you guys are gonna be fine.
Is that what it's gonna be like for the next three years? Assuming he gets in.
And if he doesn't, he's gonna have to wait a whole year to reapply.
And his severance runs out in six months.
- You're spiraling.
- I'm totally spiraling.
(whispers): I just feel really unsettled.
Talk to Michael.
Share your anxiety.
Remember, he wants you to share your burdens with him.
You're my wife.
Let me help you.
Yeah, you're right.
MICHAEL: Why the hell would you tell me this now? - You said to share things.
- Yeah, but it's all about timing, Jane, and now is not a good time! Telling me all your fears two weeks before I have to take the biggest test of my life is not helping me relax.
And I need to be relaxed to study, and I need to study if I'm gonna get into law school.
Although, apparently, that's suddenly stressful for you, too.
So what's the point of any of this? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well argued, Counselor.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know - how stressed I was.
- No.
No, I get it.
Yeah, of course you can tell me when you're stressed.
You know that, right? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: To refresh Why the hell Your fears is not helping Yeah.
Totally.
And I'm also gonna sign up for an LSAT prep class.
I think it'll help me feel better prepared.
I think that's a great idea.
Maybe I'll try something, too.
Let me guess.
Research? Making a list? Yoga? Really? Oh.
Okay.
I'm trying to figure out how to relax.
And I researched.
I knew it.
And the classes at the Marbella are very well-rated on Yelp.
- Of course.
You should go.
- Thank you.
Get ready.
Next time you see me, - I'm gonna be all kinds of Zen.
- (chuckles) Hey, guys.
What's going on? - Hey.
- Hey there.
You know, it's probably nothing.
But I noticed at Mateo's playgroup, that the other kids have a lot of words.
Sentences, even.
And he doesn't have any, just mama and Dada.
And we know we're probably stressing for no reason.
Well, he should have a few more words than mama and Dada.
Is he bilingual? I talk to him in Spanish sometimes.
My grandma does.
Sometimes kids who grow up in bilingual households speak later, but then their language suddenly explodes.
It's great for their brain development.
That might be what's happening here.
(sighs) Either that, or LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on.
Use your words.
Let's keep an eye on it for the next three months.
If the words still aren't coming, we'll consider a speech pathologist.
Try not to stress, though.
It's not good for you.
Or him.
XIOMARA: Geez.
How much yoga are you gonna do? I don't know.
A lot.
It's gonna make everything better.
Okay And I hate to stress you out more, - Oh, no.
Ma.
- Hon.
There's no way you can show Abuela your novel as is.
- Really? - I love it so much, but the way you describe her and the whole feud with her sister It's fiction.
You know how sensitive she is.
The difference between fiction and reality.
For instance, if I was a cobbler, with a time portal, I would bring back modern tools from the future to make cobbling easier, but since it's fiction, it doesn't need to be perfectly accurate.
Because people take liberties.
You know? Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of Ladies, gentlemen.
Thank you for coming to the last taping of Tiago.
(applause) WOMAN: Yeah! Okay.
I've had trouble figuring out what to say now that Tiago is ending.
What started as a cheap rip-off of Quantum Leap has become much, much more.
And now, as I stand here, back where it all began, in this cobbler's shed, I realize we cannot end it here, absolutely not! - What? - Sorry.
It just hit me.
We can't end Tiago in the exact same place it began.
Rogelio, we had five meetings about this.
You chose this.
Well, I unchoose it.
We can do better.
We have to do better.
You might want to take your dad with you to yoga.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also in need of relaxing (gasps) What the hell are you doing here? I want to talk to you about Anezka.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Deep breath, Petra.
Find your inner lotus.
Don't send her away.
I love her.
I just saw her the other day, and we still have a real connection.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
You remember this I just wanted to say good-bye.
I missed you.
She's already gone.
And that wasn't Anezka, you idiot, that was me.
That's right.
I know you and Rafael were working together to screw me.
Get out of here, you vested vermin.
Ah, don't worry, baby.
Petra thinks you're gone.
Now what, my king? Well, now we get some leverage on her, so we can be together, out in the open forever.
DARCI: All right, Rogelio.
It's been three weeks, where are we? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Alas, the moment of truth.
Is there still a love connection here? It's fine; I feel nothing.
Really? Mm-hmm.
(chuckles) Uh-uh.
(whimpers quietly) Okay.
I have a boner.
Rogelio.
Not a physical boner, an emotional one.
An emo-ner, if you will.
I'm sorry.
I have to be honest.
Yeah.
I know.
Okay.
So it's a no-go on the kid.
For now.
Unless, perhaps it were to happen eventually the old-fashioned way.
Can't we go on a date? See where this leads.
Fine.
One date.
At this moment, I would love to grab you in my embrace and kiss you, but I must ask first, since Donald Trump has ruined romance for all of us.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Along with a lot of other things.
Yes.
You can kiss me.
(groans) INSTRUCTOR: Now remember, thoughts are just things to let go of, so as a thought arises, let it drift away as if on a cloud.
- Inhale your worries - (inhales) and exhale, let them go.
(exhales) Inhale and exhale.
Inhale and exhale.
Can you scooch over? Jane! Scooch a little.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Inhale and exhale, Jane.
INSTRUCTOR: And slowly transition into downward dog.
And exhale into the pose So I actually wanted to talk to you.
Now's not a great time.
I can't relax until it's sorted.
INSTRUCTOR: Good.
Breathing in and out.
(inhales) Inhale Calm exhale your fear.
Did you actually say you'd be happy if Rafael broke up with me? Did he say that? You haven't answered my question.
INSTRUCTOR: Now let's move into Kasyapasana.
Beginners just try a side plank.
I am not one to hold on to things.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: How are you doing that? So if you said it, I'd rather you just tell me.
Fine.
I did.
I can't believe it.
Since you've been here you've constantly lied.
- That is not - It is.
And you know it.
You are a liar.
Why don't you step away - until you can - (inhales and exhales) calm yourself down.
(inhales) (knocking on door) I'm in.
$10,000 and throw in your watch.
- Afternoon.
- Buenos dÃas.
Hey.
I haven't turned it in.
I-I can make changes.
You did? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
I didn't see that coming.
Abuela.
(crying and laughing) I'm so happy right now.
(both laughing) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (crying): Me, too.
Hey, Darci.
Oh, hi.
Hear you have a big date.
I'm actually really excited.
(Rogelio clears throat) Thank you all for coming.
I'm sorry to announce we will not be filming the Tiago finale today.
Thank you and drive safe.
DINA: Rogelio.
What are you doing? Ending Tiago in outer space on the International Space Station in an homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey is a dumb idea from a dumb film I admit I do not understand and should have never agreed to.
Well, you did.
Well, I un-agree.
I Xo, will you talk to him? You're the only one who can get through to him when he's like this.
Of course.
(printer grinding) I thought you were done.
The deadline, your Abuela liked it.
- I found a few typos.
- Oh.
Got it.
So much extra did you have to pay for the world's loudest printer? (chuckles) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Here's a fun LSAT logic game: Is the answer (printer beeping) Shoot.
Another one.
Or C Seriously? - - Sorry.
Last time.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna go to the coffee shop, okay? Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like someone's having trouble letting go.
And speaking of letting go All right, Rafael, drop her like she's hot.
Listen, Rafael, we've been having loads of fun, but we've come to the end of our road.
- It's time for me to go.
- You're leaving? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, that was easy.
Well, uh, if you really feel you have to go But I thought maybe we could have one last adventure together.
No strings attached.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't do it, Rafael.
(laughing): I, uh happened to grab a few pamphlets from the front desk (exhales) Things to do around Miami.
Pick one.
Oh, come on.
What do you have to lose? We'll have great sex, great fun and a great story to tell someday.
Our last hurrah.
Besides, you could use a proper adventure.
Couldn't you? Close your eyes.
(both laughing) (sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Man, I can't even watch this.
Hopefully, this is a happier date.
If we find ourselves overcome with desire and are unable to make it through the entrees, we can always finish our meal at home.
I, for one, am always ravenous after lovemaking.
Darci Rule Number 12 Never lay it on too thick.
It makes you look desperate.
Rogelio de la Vega is not now, nor has he ever been, desperate.
Classic narcissism paired with a third-person reference.
I see it all the time from my A-listers.
I didn't think I'd get it from you, though.
Are you trying to say I'm not an A-Lister? Are you trying to say that you are? Salad nicoise for the lady.
And seafood quartet for the gentleman.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Man, that's a lot of fish.
Darci Rule Number 23 Never order something you don't look attractive eating.
Clearly you skipped that lesson.
What's going on? Why are you being so critical? Hey, this is me.
You want to date me, you need to know exactly who I am.
Not all at once! You hide this stuff on your first date.
Then, as someone starts to fall for you, you slowly reveal all your quirks.
I just want to cut to the chase.
See if it's worth investing in this relationship or not.
Well, you're gonna be this critical, then the answer is no.
We should go our separate ways.
Or, you know, put me back in your dating pool, since I paid for the three-month platinum plan.
Fine.
And we'll just go back to the kid plan.
No.
Kids deserve to be treated like A-listers, too.
And if you're gonna be this critical with me, well MICHAEL: No way.
I thought you were just gonna make a few little changes.
I was, but that led to a few bigger changes, and then the whole thing started unraveling, and now I'm lost.
- What's that? - Essential oils from my new yoga teacher who thought I needed to chill out.
- She applies it to her temples.
- I'll try some of that.
Really need a good night's sleep for my interview tomorrow.
Mmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, so just breathe that in and Wow.
The oils really seem to be relaxing Michael.
Jane? Not so much.
She needs to go medical grade, in my opinion.
You know, I don't think you understand how truly stressed Jane is, so I'm going to let you in.
JANE: Oh, good.
Michael's sleeping.
Good for him.
I'm glad he can sleep.
I'm so happy about that.
And I'll get used to dealing with my own anxiety myself.
- You seem stressed, babe.
- (sighs) I am.
Actually, I was hoping - that I could talk.
- Do you mind heading out to your stress shed then, because I'm stressed, too, and your stress really isn't working for me, okay? JANE: That's ridiculous.
Come on, Jane.
Keep it real.
Relax.
Relax.
Mateo.
Oh, think of Mateo.
Yes, Mr.
Sweetface.
Hi, Mr.
Sweetface.
How was kindergarten? (in a deep voice): It ruled! I totes dominated at kickball today.
And I'm pretty sure I'll have my ABCs down any day now.
JANE: Mateo's fine.
Do not stress about Mateo, not for three months.
Focus on your novel.
You have to finish your freakin' novel.
- - I'm just rethinking the opening - - of chapter four.
I need those pages before I drop dead, Ms.
Villanueva.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Like I said, I think she's going to need something stronger than essential oils.
- Oh, good.
- (sighs) Looks like Jane finally got some sleep.
Ah.
(gasps) Oh! And Michael turned into a puffer fish! - What's wrong? - Whoa! He had some allergic reaction, and now he has a law school - interview this afternoon.
- Looks like I just pulled my head out of a beehive.
All right, let's give him - - the full Mickey Rourke.
He's gonna look a little tan and weird and greasy, but at least he won't look contagious.
Go! Thanks for doing this, Dad.
I hope I didn't put anyone out.
No, no.
The whole crew has been here for 24 hours straight.
Nothing's right for the ending of Tiago.
I get it.
I thought I was done with my novel, and then I just took the entire thing apart.
Ooh, I know.
You can end Tiago in Venezuela circa 1975.
(laughs) Oh, God, no, that sounds incredibly boring.
(chuckles) I meant to dramatize, you know, visually, on-screen.
- Nice save.
- Hmm.
Hey, how was your date with Darci? Terrible.
She was super critical.
It was clear that she didn't even want to be there.
What? She was so excited when I saw her right before.
MICHAEL: So, how do I look? So much better.
Eat your heart out, Mickey Rourke.
Right, Matelio? And Rafael's not answering his phone, so looks like Mateo's coming with us to the interview.
I'll drive, you rest.
It'll be our first family road trip.
Where's-where's Rafael? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let's find out.
Just try and relax.
Be in the moment.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What moment? Where are we? Now, close your eyes.
Open your spirit, and listen to the ancestors.
(whispering): This really isn't my thing.
- Feel the vibrations around you.
- Come on.
- What's the worst that could happen? - Feel the earth With my luck, one of my ancestors will manifest - and turn out to be an ax murderer.
- (laughing) Shh.
(grunts) This is a ceremony about rebirth.
The warm, dark hut represents the womb.
And when this ritual is over, you will be reborn into the world.
(steam hissing) Allow the steam to cleanse the impurities of your past.
Let the heat melt your burdens and fears I feel really hot.
Like so hot.
(whispering) Well, that's the point.
- It's a sweat - (thuds) - (sighs) - Are you okay? I'll be fine.
I don't know what happened.
(laughing) Look, this whole thing just isn't my scene.
A little too hippy-dippy for me.
Huh.
See, I actually really liked what the guru was saying about rebirth.
I like to think that's possible, because there's something so optimistic about it, you know? If you screw things up, you can make it right.
Yeah, I can see that.
On the other hand Rafael, are you all right? Well (laughs) Sorry.
(sniffles) I must still be overheated or something.
Well, what's going on? Just the whole, um all the rebirth thing.
I just found out my parents aren't really my parents, so, you know? What? Which I shouldn't be dumping on you on our last trip away.
No, no, no, of course you should.
You can trust me.
- - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Only he couldn't, friends! Remember.
I know.
This is bad.
(door closes) Really bad.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Really, really bad traffic.
If you're on I-95 right now, you're not going anywhere.
- (horn honks) - That oil spill has just shut down traffic in both directions.
(horn honking) What?! Nothing.
It's not my fault that they shut down the highway.
I never said it was.
Then would you stop giving me dirty looks? It's not dirty looks.
This is just my swollen, puffy, melting Mickey Rourke face, okay? It actually looks like it's getting better, like the antihistamines are kicking in.
This is ridiculous.
There's no way we're gonna make the interview, so I'm calling to cancel.
(touch tones sounding) (scoffs) (touch tones sounding) Do you want me - to dial for you? - No! JANE: Okay.
- (crying continues) - Oh, great! The voice mail.
- (Mateo screaming) - Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Essential oils, anyone? (Mateo crying) It's gonna take at least three hours to clear.
- Are you serious? - According to the Internet.
(sighing): Oh! MICHAEL: Look, there's a campsite off that exit.
- We should pull off.
- Seriously? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let me remind you that Jane hates camping - which Michael knows.
- I have my gear in the trunk.
You want to stay the night? It'll be dark in an hour, and we're three hours from moving, okay? (Mateo shrieks) Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think we know where Mateo stands.
Great.
Fine, let's camp.
- Feet to the fire.
- I did.
More personal than Brexit.
Oh, it was so embarrassing.
I thought it would never pass, so I didn't vote.
Nope.
Not counting it.
I had so many friends in Parliament.
More personal! (laughing) Fine.
Fine.
More personal.
I can't have kids.
How's that? It's fine.
No pity.
Well I can't have any more, either, so, you know You do have three.
- True.
- So not the same.
- Uh-uh.
- Mm.
I didn't even think you liked kids.
Oh, I do.
So much.
That's why I've been pulling away from yours.
Don't want to get attached.
I had no idea.
Well, we've been getting drunk on tequila and having great sex, so, hasn't been the most serious relationship.
Yeah.
You're right.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't get sucked in, Raf! She's playing you! She took Petra's watch for God's sake! Wait.
I need to tell you something.
(groans) - I wish we were home! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: To be clear, Michael definitely got that memo.
I told you, you need to use a rock.
Not that hard.
You'll bend the stake.
You are the world's worst back-seat tent-putter-upper.
It takes ten minutes.
Good.
Great.
You get the medal.
I don't want a medal.
I just I don't even understand what's happening.
What's happening is you are stressing me out.
And I'm not allowed to tell you, but you are.
And if we can't even deal with stress while you're just trying to get into law school, how the hell are we gonna actually deal with it when you're in law school? Well, you don't have to worry about that, 'cause I'm not getting into any law schools, since I failed every one of my practice tests.
So what happened? Because you liked me.
- What? - Even Jane saw it.
So why did you push me away? I didn't.
You feel something.
I don't.
And I don't believe you.
Okay, fine.
I have an emotional boner or whatever.
But I don't want to get involved.
Why? Because you're too attached to your ex.
I know how this works.
I'm a matchmaker for cripes' sake.
That kind of baggage does not fit in the overhead.
Oh, come on.
Everyone's got baggage.
The way you are reacting to the way I reacted to Xo, that's coming from your baggage.
Yeah.
Obviously someone you were dating went back to an ex.
Look.
Sure, in an ideal world we'd be like Adam and Eve, the first man and woman on Earth with totally clean slates, but LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And that's when it hit him.
The genesis of a great idea.
What the hell are you looking at? I-I-I'm sorry, Darci, I know we're supposed to be discussing our relationship, but I need to get down to the stage and have the writers do another all-night revision.
But I'd really like it if you came to the finale of Tiago, for the last time.
You'll see that you have inspired it.
Why didn't you tell me about the tests? Because I know the stuff.
And I do fine when it's not timed, but then it's timed and I sit there, and it all just overwhelms me.
I start thinking what if I don't have enough time to finish the logic questions? And then I start worrying about the fact that I wasted all that time time worrying.
And if I don't finish, I'll do badly, and I won't get in anywhere, or I'll get in somewhere really crappy.
Won't be able to get another job, we'll be in all this debt and we'll end up homeless.
Michael, that's not gonna happen.
At least worry about real things.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Like a stress shed? But I get it.
I go worst-case scenario, too.
Maybe we should think about what could actually happen.
Worst case.
Uh (sighs) I fail the test.
I run out of severance, can't find another job.
And I turn my book in and completely fail as a writer.
Is that why you haven't turned it in? I mean, probably, right? So I fail, we're broke.
I guess we move in with your mom and grandma.
- Oh, man, that would suck.
- So much.
We got to get my mom - to move in with Bruce.
- That's good.
Good thinking.
We'll get your Abuela to start dating that guy from the gift shop she's been crushing on.
- You noticed that, too? - Yes, I have.
So, she'll move in with him.
Wow, just like that, we're unemployed with a house.
And our home brewery is really taking off.
(laughs) I was wrong to push you away.
And I know we have to figure out how to deal with stress better as a couple.
We just have to find a way to relax that reminds us that even in the worst-case scenario we still have each other, right? Tent.
- Did he just say? - Was that? Tent.
Tent.
Oh, my God.
Yes, Mateo.
Yes.
This is a tent.
Whoa! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Take that, Chauncy.
BOTH: Tent, tent, tent, tent, tent, tent.
(giggles) (coughing) Sorry to cut our trip short, Raf.
I just don't feel too well.
It came out of nowhere.
(knocking on door) Anyway, take your shower.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait.
I thought he was in the shower.
- What are you doing here? - Where are the cameras? What? What are you talking about? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, that was a set-up.
- Cat told me what you said.
- Rafael, come on.
The only way - you could have known - Don't get carried away.
- Is if there were cameras.
- Rafael Rafael.
What the hell is this? - Well you had cameras first.
- Petra.
You did, in the teddy bear.
Because I thought it wasn't you.
Exactly! Because I was paralyzed! Do you understand? I was paralyzed and I was forced to lie there and listen to what everybody really thought and-and said.
And things are different now.
I-I can't even tell what's real and what's not.
But with the cameras I can.
I can go back.
I can - I can rewind, I can make sure.
- Petra.
If you're looking for the will, it's over.
I destroyed it.
Why would you destroy the will? I had to.
For the babies.
It's the only thing I can do.
We just started to bond.
Do you remember when she paralyzed me? (squealing and laughing) (gasps) (crying): They don't know me now.
They cry when I hold them.
But the money, I can help with the money, with you not losing your money.
Hey, hey.
(sighs) You're gonna be okay, Petra.
You're gonna be okay.
Right now everything just feels MICHAEL: Like it's gonna work out.
There's something about the big open sky.
Our problems just seem so insignificant.
Exactly.
That's why I love camping.
So maybe this is what we'll do.
To de-stress.
I don't know if I'd go that far.
(laughs) - You're relaxed.
- (laughs) Yeah.
I really am.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Meet Zen Jane.
I love you.
And if actually, no, let's let them have this moment.
And we'll stop here, now.
At the dawn of time.
(groaning) DIRECTOR: And hold.
And action.
(groaning) (gasps) (grunts) DIRECTOR: And cut.
And that's a series wrap on Tiago a Través Del Tiempo.
(applause) You came.
Let's give it a try.
And I would love to grab and kiss you if that's all right.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw.
It looks like the stars might finally be aligning for these two.
And now let's check in on - Is she asleep? - RAFAEL: She is.
- Thanks for your help.
- Of course.
And I'm sorry again.
I agreed to help her before things changed between us.
I know.
But I want you to leave.
I just I have so much on my plate right now.
And someone like you, who I, I really like but who isn't 100% trustworthy it's just not what I need right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Talk about rebirth.
Okay, then.
And give Petra her watch back, weirdo.
All right.
I am off.
And I'm sorry again that things got weird.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And she doesn't even know about the watch.
Well, you know.
Good luck back in New York.
I really did love getting to know you, Jane.
Oh, anyways, my Uber is here.
We'll stay in touch.
Mwah, mwah.
- Au revoir.
- Bye.
XIOMARA: Bon voyage.
(door closes) (sighs) - Me, too.
- Me, too.
- - Yes.
Michael did well on his practice LSATs.
I'm so glad.
And you sent in your novel.
I know.
Change is on the horizon.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It sure is.
So I found you a psychologist.
It won't help.
Just promise me you'll go.
As long as you don't bring up the addendum again.
Please.
- I destroyed it.
- (sighs) Oh.
One last wedding gift, Mrs.
Archuletta.
Why, thank you, Mr.
Archuletta.
What is it? It's our ticket to freedom, baby.
This piece of paper is all we need.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, poor Scott.
If only he knew the events he was about to trigger.
As you know, Jane married Michael, but then he was shot.
And even though he recovered, he didn't pass the physical for work, so he couldn't be a detective anymore.
Bright side, he'd settled on a new career.
- How about a lawyer? - Exciting, huh? Also exciting, Jane's father, Rogelio, met a matchmaker, only he made a match with her or rather, a business arrangement.
Not to date, just to have a baby with.
But then he developed real feelings for Darci, - which was a big old no-no.
- But you got to get over it if you want to have a baby with me.
And speaking of complicated relationships, Xo is back together with her old flame, Bruce.
Oh, and Jane's baby daddy, Rafael, he was dating Jane's cousin, Catalina, who Jane thought was pretty damn shady.
But she wasn't as shady as Petra's twin sister, Anezka.
You recall Anezka paralyzed Petra and then took her place, and to make matters worse, she started dating Scott as Petra.
I know! Traumatic, right? So, when Petra finally woke up, well she was pissed.
I was freaking paralyzed and nobody even noticed.
Oh, and one last thing Rafael recently found out he wasn't really a Solano, and then he discovered an addendum to his father's will, leaving everything to his biological children, which means if that will comes to light well, Rafael stands to lose a lot of money, that is.
Which, my friends, is where we left off.
It should be noted that Jane Gloriana Villanueva knew her husband, well, like she knew herself.
The Law Offices of Michael Cordero Jr.
I like the sound of that.
So, she knew when he decided to be a lawyer, well, there was no stopping him MICHAEL: Though the evidence against the defendant is circumstantial, it does fit a pattern of behavior, Your Honor.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: from pretending he already was one.
Objection! Your Honor, the defendant is way too cute, and the prosecution is way too sexy.
Objection sustained.
High fives.
So Good news and bad news.
Good news, you can take the LSAT at the end of this month.
- - Bad news, I got to take the - - LSAT at the end of the month - - and I suck at tests.
Standardized testing is about learning the rules, the tricks.
You're trying to work in your SAT scores again, aren't you? No but, Mateo, Mommy did really well.
Let me help you.
No, no way.
Recipe for disaster.
I just think it'd be smarter for us to separate church and state, you know? Yeah.
You're probably right.
But maybe you can make me one of your patented calendars.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, it was the most romantic thing he could have said.
It just so happens that I'm making myself one to finish my thesis.
Add me in.
(gasps) I'd love to.
Good and schedule in lots of sex.
Which she did, for the record Mmm.
As reward incentive for lots and lots of studying.
And I have to say, so far, separating church and state has proved highly productive (laughs) I can't believe it.
I actually finished a draft of my novel.
For church, anyway.
Congrats, babe.
State has taken a more laid-back approach, which is totally stressing church out.
So, what's on the agenda today? Uh, same.
Just hitting the books.
Oh, did I tell you I got an e-mail confirming my interview with Putnam Law School on Wednesday? What? No.
- You never mentioned.
- No! Run.
Run.
Come on.
Michael, Putnam's the ideal law school.
It's one of the good ones.
It's cheaper and close to where we live.
I know, that's why I'm busting my butt studying.
The-the game helps me relax and focus.
Weren't you gonna drop your novel off with your mom? Which, for the record, is exactly what she planned to do.
Hey, Dad.
Where's Mom? I want to give her my Bracelet.
Mom - wanted to borrow it.
- She was running late coming back from Bruce's.
Shoot, I can't wait.
I can't wait, either.
ALBA: Mm-hmm.
Bye-bye, bracelet.
I came here to invite everyone to the last day of shooting for Tiago.
Okay, to be honest, I'm also here to soak in all of these lovely family vibes before I see Darci again.
Is it time? To explain: Rogelio had not seen Darci since his feelings mm, came up.
Oh, my! These three weeks apart were just what I needed.
Whenever my feelings for her would arise, I tamped them down and reminded myself what I'm fighting for: our potential child.
Dad, what is that? A composite baby half me, - half Darci.
- Uy.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And 100% creepy.
- Yeah.
I can't even look at it.
And luckily I don't have to.
Aw, there's the cutest face on the planet.
Okay, he's cute, too.
WOMAN: Wow! He's really putting words together.
- - (chuckles): Yeah, geez.
Chauncy, what do you say? Mom That was a full sentence.
I mean, I can hardly understand him, but sure, that's a full sentence.
- Is Jules talking? - Not like that.
I mean, âmama, Dada.
â - Exactly.
- âBall.
â âUp.
â âBabaâ for âbottle.
â âDoggie.
â - Maybe, like, 20 words.
- Whoa.
(gasps) 21.
(laughs) Don't stress.
All kids learn at different rates.
Yeah.
I'm not stressed.
Mateo! Don't put that rock in your mouth! RAFAEL: A sentence? I mean, the grammar was all over the place, but yes.
Huh.
Should we check in with Dr.
Garcia? If you think so.
You've already made an appointment.
- 11:30 tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.
Come on, Mateo, let's go play with your sisters.
Have fun, - Mr.
Sweetface.
- Bye! Oh-ho.
So, where's Cat? The days when I have three kids aren't really her speed.
Gotcha.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'll remind you, Catalina isn't really Jane's speed these days.
But since you asked I'm gonna end things with her.
Oh, really? Stop pretending You're obviously happy.
I'm not.
Okay, fine, I'm a little happy.
Unless you're sad.
I'm fine.
I just don't need the distraction right now.
Actually, there's, um, something else I wanted to tell you.
A few weeks ago, I found an addendum to my father's will, and I've decided to probate it.
I'm meeting with my lawyer on Friday, and you know, after that, things could change for me.
Financially.
Substantially.
Whatever happens, you'll be fine.
We'll all be fine.
RAFAEL: Thanks.
That means a lot to me.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Uh-oh.
Someone doesn't look fine.
But she sure does.
Ah! Petra, darling! To catch you up, these two first met about three weeks ago.
Hello there.
I'm Catalina, and I just thought I should introduce myself, because I'm dating Rafael and redesigning the hotel menu! (laughs) Anything else? I'm also Jane's cousin.
Oh.
You went shopping on Ocean Drive.
(laughs): Oh, no, I'm not a hundred! I love your watch.
Trés chic.
Mm.
So, I have a proposition for you.
Sexual? Financial.
(laughs): Oh, what makes you think I need money? I googled your ex-husband.
Oh, please, there's no other reason you'd marry that guy.
Trust me, I'd know.
(cash register rings) So, Rafael's ending things with you.
And Jane couldn't be happier about it.
And clearly, you're trying to manipulate me.
Oh, I absolutely am.
You see, we're alike, you and I, so I know an opportunist when I see one.
And if a situation's not working, you might as well see what you can get out of it, hmm? Well, here's what you can get.
$10,000.
And all you have to do is take Rafael away for one night.
(bell dings, doors open) I'll think about it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, she's a hard one to read.
JANE: Promise you'll read it soon.
I just need to know if I can give it to Abuela.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You'll recall Jane's novel is loosely based on her grandmother's feud - with her family in Venezuela.
- Mm.
I'm sure she'll love it.
Hmm.
She seems weirdly into it.
Ah, yes, I almost forgot.
These two are still in the honeymoon phase.
Lots of PDA.
- - My bracelet? So, I guess I should head home.
Is Michael still irritable? So irritable.
Which I get.
LSATs are grueling.
Oh, yeah.
I was so stressed, my ulcer had an ulcer.
Then I got to the first year of law school and I realized, ha, that was nothin'.
I basically lived in the law library.
And then it was 90 hours a week in the office racking up billable hours, massive student debt.
God, it was hard.
That's when my marriage really fell apart.
But you guys are gonna be fine.
Is that what it's gonna be like for the next three years? Assuming he gets in.
And if he doesn't, he's gonna have to wait a whole year to reapply.
And his severance runs out in six months.
- You're spiraling.
- I'm totally spiraling.
(whispers): I just feel really unsettled.
Talk to Michael.
Share your anxiety.
Remember, he wants you to share your burdens with him.
You're my wife.
Let me help you.
Yeah, you're right.
MICHAEL: Why the hell would you tell me this now? - You said to share things.
- Yeah, but it's all about timing, Jane, and now is not a good time! Telling me all your fears two weeks before I have to take the biggest test of my life is not helping me relax.
And I need to be relaxed to study, and I need to study if I'm gonna get into law school.
Although, apparently, that's suddenly stressful for you, too.
So what's the point of any of this? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well argued, Counselor.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know - how stressed I was.
- No.
No, I get it.
Yeah, of course you can tell me when you're stressed.
You know that, right? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: To refresh Why the hell Your fears is not helping Yeah.
Totally.
And I'm also gonna sign up for an LSAT prep class.
I think it'll help me feel better prepared.
I think that's a great idea.
Maybe I'll try something, too.
Let me guess.
Research? Making a list? Yoga? Really? Oh.
Okay.
I'm trying to figure out how to relax.
And I researched.
I knew it.
And the classes at the Marbella are very well-rated on Yelp.
- Of course.
You should go.
- Thank you.
Get ready.
Next time you see me, - I'm gonna be all kinds of Zen.
- (chuckles) Hey, guys.
What's going on? - Hey.
- Hey there.
You know, it's probably nothing.
But I noticed at Mateo's playgroup, that the other kids have a lot of words.
Sentences, even.
And he doesn't have any, just mama and Dada.
And we know we're probably stressing for no reason.
Well, he should have a few more words than mama and Dada.
Is he bilingual? I talk to him in Spanish sometimes.
My grandma does.
Sometimes kids who grow up in bilingual households speak later, but then their language suddenly explodes.
It's great for their brain development.
That might be what's happening here.
(sighs) Either that, or LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Come on.
Use your words.
Let's keep an eye on it for the next three months.
If the words still aren't coming, we'll consider a speech pathologist.
Try not to stress, though.
It's not good for you.
Or him.
XIOMARA: Geez.
How much yoga are you gonna do? I don't know.
A lot.
It's gonna make everything better.
Okay And I hate to stress you out more, - Oh, no.
Ma.
- Hon.
There's no way you can show Abuela your novel as is.
- Really? - I love it so much, but the way you describe her and the whole feud with her sister It's fiction.
You know how sensitive she is.
The difference between fiction and reality.
For instance, if I was a cobbler, with a time portal, I would bring back modern tools from the future to make cobbling easier, but since it's fiction, it doesn't need to be perfectly accurate.
Because people take liberties.
You know? Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of Ladies, gentlemen.
Thank you for coming to the last taping of Tiago.
(applause) WOMAN: Yeah! Okay.
I've had trouble figuring out what to say now that Tiago is ending.
What started as a cheap rip-off of Quantum Leap has become much, much more.
And now, as I stand here, back where it all began, in this cobbler's shed, I realize we cannot end it here, absolutely not! - What? - Sorry.
It just hit me.
We can't end Tiago in the exact same place it began.
Rogelio, we had five meetings about this.
You chose this.
Well, I unchoose it.
We can do better.
We have to do better.
You might want to take your dad with you to yoga.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Also in need of relaxing (gasps) What the hell are you doing here? I want to talk to you about Anezka.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Deep breath, Petra.
Find your inner lotus.
Don't send her away.
I love her.
I just saw her the other day, and we still have a real connection.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
You remember this I just wanted to say good-bye.
I missed you.
She's already gone.
And that wasn't Anezka, you idiot, that was me.
That's right.
I know you and Rafael were working together to screw me.
Get out of here, you vested vermin.
Ah, don't worry, baby.
Petra thinks you're gone.
Now what, my king? Well, now we get some leverage on her, so we can be together, out in the open forever.
DARCI: All right, Rogelio.
It's been three weeks, where are we? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Alas, the moment of truth.
Is there still a love connection here? It's fine; I feel nothing.
Really? Mm-hmm.
(chuckles) Uh-uh.
(whimpers quietly) Okay.
I have a boner.
Rogelio.
Not a physical boner, an emotional one.
An emo-ner, if you will.
I'm sorry.
I have to be honest.
Yeah.
I know.
Okay.
So it's a no-go on the kid.
For now.
Unless, perhaps it were to happen eventually the old-fashioned way.
Can't we go on a date? See where this leads.
Fine.
One date.
At this moment, I would love to grab you in my embrace and kiss you, but I must ask first, since Donald Trump has ruined romance for all of us.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Along with a lot of other things.
Yes.
You can kiss me.
(groans) INSTRUCTOR: Now remember, thoughts are just things to let go of, so as a thought arises, let it drift away as if on a cloud.
- Inhale your worries - (inhales) and exhale, let them go.
(exhales) Inhale and exhale.
Inhale and exhale.
Can you scooch over? Jane! Scooch a little.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Inhale and exhale, Jane.
INSTRUCTOR: And slowly transition into downward dog.
And exhale into the pose So I actually wanted to talk to you.
Now's not a great time.
I can't relax until it's sorted.
INSTRUCTOR: Good.
Breathing in and out.
(inhales) Inhale Calm exhale your fear.
Did you actually say you'd be happy if Rafael broke up with me? Did he say that? You haven't answered my question.
INSTRUCTOR: Now let's move into Kasyapasana.
Beginners just try a side plank.
I am not one to hold on to things.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: How are you doing that? So if you said it, I'd rather you just tell me.
Fine.
I did.
I can't believe it.
Since you've been here you've constantly lied.
- That is not - It is.
And you know it.
You are a liar.
Why don't you step away - until you can - (inhales and exhales) calm yourself down.
(inhales) (knocking on door) I'm in.
$10,000 and throw in your watch.
- Afternoon.
- Buenos dÃas.
Hey.
I haven't turned it in.
I-I can make changes.
You did? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Whoa.
I didn't see that coming.
Abuela.
(crying and laughing) I'm so happy right now.
(both laughing) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (crying): Me, too.
Hey, Darci.
Oh, hi.
Hear you have a big date.
I'm actually really excited.
(Rogelio clears throat) Thank you all for coming.
I'm sorry to announce we will not be filming the Tiago finale today.
Thank you and drive safe.
DINA: Rogelio.
What are you doing? Ending Tiago in outer space on the International Space Station in an homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey is a dumb idea from a dumb film I admit I do not understand and should have never agreed to.
Well, you did.
Well, I un-agree.
I Xo, will you talk to him? You're the only one who can get through to him when he's like this.
Of course.
(printer grinding) I thought you were done.
The deadline, your Abuela liked it.
- I found a few typos.
- Oh.
Got it.
So much extra did you have to pay for the world's loudest printer? (chuckles) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Here's a fun LSAT logic game: Is the answer (printer beeping) Shoot.
Another one.
Or C Seriously? - - Sorry.
Last time.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna go to the coffee shop, okay? Hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like someone's having trouble letting go.
And speaking of letting go All right, Rafael, drop her like she's hot.
Listen, Rafael, we've been having loads of fun, but we've come to the end of our road.
- It's time for me to go.
- You're leaving? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Well, that was easy.
Well, uh, if you really feel you have to go But I thought maybe we could have one last adventure together.
No strings attached.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't do it, Rafael.
(laughing): I, uh happened to grab a few pamphlets from the front desk (exhales) Things to do around Miami.
Pick one.
Oh, come on.
What do you have to lose? We'll have great sex, great fun and a great story to tell someday.
Our last hurrah.
Besides, you could use a proper adventure.
Couldn't you? Close your eyes.
(both laughing) (sighs) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Man, I can't even watch this.
Hopefully, this is a happier date.
If we find ourselves overcome with desire and are unable to make it through the entrees, we can always finish our meal at home.
I, for one, am always ravenous after lovemaking.
Darci Rule Number 12 Never lay it on too thick.
It makes you look desperate.
Rogelio de la Vega is not now, nor has he ever been, desperate.
Classic narcissism paired with a third-person reference.
I see it all the time from my A-listers.
I didn't think I'd get it from you, though.
Are you trying to say I'm not an A-Lister? Are you trying to say that you are? Salad nicoise for the lady.
And seafood quartet for the gentleman.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Man, that's a lot of fish.
Darci Rule Number 23 Never order something you don't look attractive eating.
Clearly you skipped that lesson.
What's going on? Why are you being so critical? Hey, this is me.
You want to date me, you need to know exactly who I am.
Not all at once! You hide this stuff on your first date.
Then, as someone starts to fall for you, you slowly reveal all your quirks.
I just want to cut to the chase.
See if it's worth investing in this relationship or not.
Well, you're gonna be this critical, then the answer is no.
We should go our separate ways.
Or, you know, put me back in your dating pool, since I paid for the three-month platinum plan.
Fine.
And we'll just go back to the kid plan.
No.
Kids deserve to be treated like A-listers, too.
And if you're gonna be this critical with me, well MICHAEL: No way.
I thought you were just gonna make a few little changes.
I was, but that led to a few bigger changes, and then the whole thing started unraveling, and now I'm lost.
- What's that? - Essential oils from my new yoga teacher who thought I needed to chill out.
- She applies it to her temples.
- I'll try some of that.
Really need a good night's sleep for my interview tomorrow.
Mmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, so just breathe that in and Wow.
The oils really seem to be relaxing Michael.
Jane? Not so much.
She needs to go medical grade, in my opinion.
You know, I don't think you understand how truly stressed Jane is, so I'm going to let you in.
JANE: Oh, good.
Michael's sleeping.
Good for him.
I'm glad he can sleep.
I'm so happy about that.
And I'll get used to dealing with my own anxiety myself.
- You seem stressed, babe.
- (sighs) I am.
Actually, I was hoping - that I could talk.
- Do you mind heading out to your stress shed then, because I'm stressed, too, and your stress really isn't working for me, okay? JANE: That's ridiculous.
Come on, Jane.
Keep it real.
Relax.
Relax.
Mateo.
Oh, think of Mateo.
Yes, Mr.
Sweetface.
Hi, Mr.
Sweetface.
How was kindergarten? (in a deep voice): It ruled! I totes dominated at kickball today.
And I'm pretty sure I'll have my ABCs down any day now.
JANE: Mateo's fine.
Do not stress about Mateo, not for three months.
Focus on your novel.
You have to finish your freakin' novel.
- - I'm just rethinking the opening - - of chapter four.
I need those pages before I drop dead, Ms.
Villanueva.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Like I said, I think she's going to need something stronger than essential oils.
- Oh, good.
- (sighs) Looks like Jane finally got some sleep.
Ah.
(gasps) Oh! And Michael turned into a puffer fish! - What's wrong? - Whoa! He had some allergic reaction, and now he has a law school - interview this afternoon.
- Looks like I just pulled my head out of a beehive.
All right, let's give him - - the full Mickey Rourke.
He's gonna look a little tan and weird and greasy, but at least he won't look contagious.
Go! Thanks for doing this, Dad.
I hope I didn't put anyone out.
No, no.
The whole crew has been here for 24 hours straight.
Nothing's right for the ending of Tiago.
I get it.
I thought I was done with my novel, and then I just took the entire thing apart.
Ooh, I know.
You can end Tiago in Venezuela circa 1975.
(laughs) Oh, God, no, that sounds incredibly boring.
(chuckles) I meant to dramatize, you know, visually, on-screen.
- Nice save.
- Hmm.
Hey, how was your date with Darci? Terrible.
She was super critical.
It was clear that she didn't even want to be there.
What? She was so excited when I saw her right before.
MICHAEL: So, how do I look? So much better.
Eat your heart out, Mickey Rourke.
Right, Matelio? And Rafael's not answering his phone, so looks like Mateo's coming with us to the interview.
I'll drive, you rest.
It'll be our first family road trip.
Where's-where's Rafael? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let's find out.
Just try and relax.
Be in the moment.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: What moment? Where are we? Now, close your eyes.
Open your spirit, and listen to the ancestors.
(whispering): This really isn't my thing.
- Feel the vibrations around you.
- Come on.
- What's the worst that could happen? - Feel the earth With my luck, one of my ancestors will manifest - and turn out to be an ax murderer.
- (laughing) Shh.
(grunts) This is a ceremony about rebirth.
The warm, dark hut represents the womb.
And when this ritual is over, you will be reborn into the world.
(steam hissing) Allow the steam to cleanse the impurities of your past.
Let the heat melt your burdens and fears I feel really hot.
Like so hot.
(whispering) Well, that's the point.
- It's a sweat - (thuds) - (sighs) - Are you okay? I'll be fine.
I don't know what happened.
(laughing) Look, this whole thing just isn't my scene.
A little too hippy-dippy for me.
Huh.
See, I actually really liked what the guru was saying about rebirth.
I like to think that's possible, because there's something so optimistic about it, you know? If you screw things up, you can make it right.
Yeah, I can see that.
On the other hand Rafael, are you all right? Well (laughs) Sorry.
(sniffles) I must still be overheated or something.
Well, what's going on? Just the whole, um all the rebirth thing.
I just found out my parents aren't really my parents, so, you know? What? Which I shouldn't be dumping on you on our last trip away.
No, no, no, of course you should.
You can trust me.
- - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Only he couldn't, friends! Remember.
I know.
This is bad.
(door closes) Really bad.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Really, really bad traffic.
If you're on I-95 right now, you're not going anywhere.
- (horn honks) - That oil spill has just shut down traffic in both directions.
(horn honking) What?! Nothing.
It's not my fault that they shut down the highway.
I never said it was.
Then would you stop giving me dirty looks? It's not dirty looks.
This is just my swollen, puffy, melting Mickey Rourke face, okay? It actually looks like it's getting better, like the antihistamines are kicking in.
This is ridiculous.
There's no way we're gonna make the interview, so I'm calling to cancel.
(touch tones sounding) (scoffs) (touch tones sounding) Do you want me - to dial for you? - No! JANE: Okay.
- (crying continues) - Oh, great! The voice mail.
- (Mateo screaming) - Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Essential oils, anyone? (Mateo crying) It's gonna take at least three hours to clear.
- Are you serious? - According to the Internet.
(sighing): Oh! MICHAEL: Look, there's a campsite off that exit.
- We should pull off.
- Seriously? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Let me remind you that Jane hates camping - which Michael knows.
- I have my gear in the trunk.
You want to stay the night? It'll be dark in an hour, and we're three hours from moving, okay? (Mateo shrieks) Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think we know where Mateo stands.
Great.
Fine, let's camp.
- Feet to the fire.
- I did.
More personal than Brexit.
Oh, it was so embarrassing.
I thought it would never pass, so I didn't vote.
Nope.
Not counting it.
I had so many friends in Parliament.
More personal! (laughing) Fine.
Fine.
More personal.
I can't have kids.
How's that? It's fine.
No pity.
Well I can't have any more, either, so, you know You do have three.
- True.
- So not the same.
- Uh-uh.
- Mm.
I didn't even think you liked kids.
Oh, I do.
So much.
That's why I've been pulling away from yours.
Don't want to get attached.
I had no idea.
Well, we've been getting drunk on tequila and having great sex, so, hasn't been the most serious relationship.
Yeah.
You're right.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Don't get sucked in, Raf! She's playing you! She took Petra's watch for God's sake! Wait.
I need to tell you something.
(groans) - I wish we were home! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: To be clear, Michael definitely got that memo.
I told you, you need to use a rock.
Not that hard.
You'll bend the stake.
You are the world's worst back-seat tent-putter-upper.
It takes ten minutes.
Good.
Great.
You get the medal.
I don't want a medal.
I just I don't even understand what's happening.
What's happening is you are stressing me out.
And I'm not allowed to tell you, but you are.
And if we can't even deal with stress while you're just trying to get into law school, how the hell are we gonna actually deal with it when you're in law school? Well, you don't have to worry about that, 'cause I'm not getting into any law schools, since I failed every one of my practice tests.
So what happened? Because you liked me.
- What? - Even Jane saw it.
So why did you push me away? I didn't.
You feel something.
I don't.
And I don't believe you.
Okay, fine.
I have an emotional boner or whatever.
But I don't want to get involved.
Why? Because you're too attached to your ex.
I know how this works.
I'm a matchmaker for cripes' sake.
That kind of baggage does not fit in the overhead.
Oh, come on.
Everyone's got baggage.
The way you are reacting to the way I reacted to Xo, that's coming from your baggage.
Yeah.
Obviously someone you were dating went back to an ex.
Look.
Sure, in an ideal world we'd be like Adam and Eve, the first man and woman on Earth with totally clean slates, but LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And that's when it hit him.
The genesis of a great idea.
What the hell are you looking at? I-I-I'm sorry, Darci, I know we're supposed to be discussing our relationship, but I need to get down to the stage and have the writers do another all-night revision.
But I'd really like it if you came to the finale of Tiago, for the last time.
You'll see that you have inspired it.
Why didn't you tell me about the tests? Because I know the stuff.
And I do fine when it's not timed, but then it's timed and I sit there, and it all just overwhelms me.
I start thinking what if I don't have enough time to finish the logic questions? And then I start worrying about the fact that I wasted all that time time worrying.
And if I don't finish, I'll do badly, and I won't get in anywhere, or I'll get in somewhere really crappy.
Won't be able to get another job, we'll be in all this debt and we'll end up homeless.
Michael, that's not gonna happen.
At least worry about real things.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Like a stress shed? But I get it.
I go worst-case scenario, too.
Maybe we should think about what could actually happen.
Worst case.
Uh (sighs) I fail the test.
I run out of severance, can't find another job.
And I turn my book in and completely fail as a writer.
Is that why you haven't turned it in? I mean, probably, right? So I fail, we're broke.
I guess we move in with your mom and grandma.
- Oh, man, that would suck.
- So much.
We got to get my mom - to move in with Bruce.
- That's good.
Good thinking.
We'll get your Abuela to start dating that guy from the gift shop she's been crushing on.
- You noticed that, too? - Yes, I have.
So, she'll move in with him.
Wow, just like that, we're unemployed with a house.
And our home brewery is really taking off.
(laughs) I was wrong to push you away.
And I know we have to figure out how to deal with stress better as a couple.
We just have to find a way to relax that reminds us that even in the worst-case scenario we still have each other, right? Tent.
- Did he just say? - Was that? Tent.
Tent.
Oh, my God.
Yes, Mateo.
Yes.
This is a tent.
Whoa! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Take that, Chauncy.
BOTH: Tent, tent, tent, tent, tent, tent.
(giggles) (coughing) Sorry to cut our trip short, Raf.
I just don't feel too well.
It came out of nowhere.
(knocking on door) Anyway, take your shower.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Wait.
I thought he was in the shower.
- What are you doing here? - Where are the cameras? What? What are you talking about? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, that was a set-up.
- Cat told me what you said.
- Rafael, come on.
The only way - you could have known - Don't get carried away.
- Is if there were cameras.
- Rafael Rafael.
What the hell is this? - Well you had cameras first.
- Petra.
You did, in the teddy bear.
Because I thought it wasn't you.
Exactly! Because I was paralyzed! Do you understand? I was paralyzed and I was forced to lie there and listen to what everybody really thought and-and said.
And things are different now.
I-I can't even tell what's real and what's not.
But with the cameras I can.
I can go back.
I can - I can rewind, I can make sure.
- Petra.
If you're looking for the will, it's over.
I destroyed it.
Why would you destroy the will? I had to.
For the babies.
It's the only thing I can do.
We just started to bond.
Do you remember when she paralyzed me? (squealing and laughing) (gasps) (crying): They don't know me now.
They cry when I hold them.
But the money, I can help with the money, with you not losing your money.
Hey, hey.
(sighs) You're gonna be okay, Petra.
You're gonna be okay.
Right now everything just feels MICHAEL: Like it's gonna work out.
There's something about the big open sky.
Our problems just seem so insignificant.
Exactly.
That's why I love camping.
So maybe this is what we'll do.
To de-stress.
I don't know if I'd go that far.
(laughs) - You're relaxed.
- (laughs) Yeah.
I really am.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Meet Zen Jane.
I love you.
And if actually, no, let's let them have this moment.
And we'll stop here, now.
At the dawn of time.
(groaning) DIRECTOR: And hold.
And action.
(groaning) (gasps) (grunts) DIRECTOR: And cut.
And that's a series wrap on Tiago a Través Del Tiempo.
(applause) You came.
Let's give it a try.
And I would love to grab and kiss you if that's all right.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw.
It looks like the stars might finally be aligning for these two.
And now let's check in on - Is she asleep? - RAFAEL: She is.
- Thanks for your help.
- Of course.
And I'm sorry again.
I agreed to help her before things changed between us.
I know.
But I want you to leave.
I just I have so much on my plate right now.
And someone like you, who I, I really like but who isn't 100% trustworthy it's just not what I need right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Talk about rebirth.
Okay, then.
And give Petra her watch back, weirdo.
All right.
I am off.
And I'm sorry again that things got weird.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And she doesn't even know about the watch.
Well, you know.
Good luck back in New York.
I really did love getting to know you, Jane.
Oh, anyways, my Uber is here.
We'll stay in touch.
Mwah, mwah.
- Au revoir.
- Bye.
XIOMARA: Bon voyage.
(door closes) (sighs) - Me, too.
- Me, too.
- - Yes.
Michael did well on his practice LSATs.
I'm so glad.
And you sent in your novel.
I know.
Change is on the horizon.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It sure is.
So I found you a psychologist.
It won't help.
Just promise me you'll go.
As long as you don't bring up the addendum again.
Please.
- I destroyed it.
- (sighs) Oh.
One last wedding gift, Mrs.
Archuletta.
Why, thank you, Mr.
Archuletta.
What is it? It's our ticket to freedom, baby.
This piece of paper is all we need.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, poor Scott.
If only he knew the events he was about to trigger.