Jersey Shore s03e09 Episode Script
Kissing Cousins
- What's your name? Gianni? - [Impatient.]
Yes.
Okay, don't be an ass[Bleep.]
.
I see this kid snooki brings home.
Yo, you know who that kid is? That's the kid that busted in with his Uncle.
We gotta go up there.
My niece gotta go.
- My niece gotta go.
- [Squealing.]
That's a [Bleep.]
Block.
Let me do my own thing.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Yeah.
What the hell? Oh, it stinks.
Poo-poo pillow.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a prank war.
Aah! My croc! - How'd you know it was up there? - Mike.
Yo, his name isn't sitch anymore.
It's snitch-uation, yo.
- [Laughter.]
- Snitch-uation.
[Crying.]
I can't do this anymore.
I need to go home and Get myself together.
I can't be around Ron anymore.
The best thing for me to do is go home and be done with the whole thing.
As a woman, I'd probably leave too.
I feel like I don't have anybody in this house.
You think you're gonna leave also? [Get crazy by lmfao.]
Dj pauly delvecchio! I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! All right, we got a situation.
I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
[Laughing.]
After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.
Go Vinny! Go Vinny! You like the boobs? Do something crazy [Hip-hop music.]
- Spoon me.
- What do you mean? Can you not be the worst snuggler ever? Want me to go? Yeah, sure.
Leave.
Bye.
If you don't wanna cuddle, thanks for the bragole, but no dinner dates with me and you.
Good-bye.
Never see you again.
- I had sex last night.
- What? Is that why you got the condom from me? My vagina's killing me.
Do you have a number, or is he one one done? [Laughing.]
On to the next.
[Bleep.]
That.
- Nick's hotter.
No offense.
- Yeah, he is.
[Dialing.]
[Line rings.]
- Hello? - Hey, it's Nicole.
- Yo, what's going on? - Nick was, like, the perfect guy.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Gorilla, sexy.
You know, hot, muscley.
So why not just, you know, give it another try with Nick? - What are you doing tonight? - Why, what you got plans? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to, like, get together.
All right.
You want to call me, then, around, like, 4:30? Are you gonna answer? Yes, I'll be waiting for you around that time.
- All right, bye.
- Good-bye.
Is it me, or does he sound ghetto? We got work, pimp.
I'm not trying to get fired, dog! Get it! We have work, deena! Get your weiner cleaner! Deena! Let's go! - An all-star staff here today.
- 'Cept for deena.
[Cranking.]
You're the boss.
Deena, you're doing nothing.
Thank you.
Go on the floor and bring me a sale.
- Please.
- I'm hung over.
I'm not having a good time.
Work blows [Bleep.]
for skittles right now.
I wanna kill myself.
- What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
You want a ride? Um Yo, we're bouncin' for a second for our break - to get a cup of ice cream.
- I wanna go.
Deena's still sleeping.
Look at her.
Yo, do you wanna just stay out for just like an hour and then blame it on me? I like where your head's at, girl! [Dial tone, dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
- Yo.
- What are you doing? - What's going on, Ron? - I need someone to talk to.
I definitely think I need my dad, because he's been through a lot of [Bleep.]
In his life.
And I need somebody that understands what I'm going through.
Just feel like I've made too many bad decisions at this point.
I need to fix it.
I'm not gonna fix it here.
I need you or [Bleep.]
My friends.
I need people that understand me.
You want me to come down, I come down tonight, bro.
I can get down there like an hour and a half, - no problem.
- All right.
- All right, bye.
- Bye-bye.
What up, man? How do you win that bike right there? Three in a row.
Three wins for a prize.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
All right.
All right, here we go.
Watch him.
He's going for the motorcycle.
- [Bleep.]
.
- There we go.
Your sister.
That's, like, impossible, dog.
- You gotta get three in a row? - Yeah, buddy.
I gotta I gotta go again for the bike, dog.
- One more time.
- Yeah.
[Phone line ringing.]
[Bleep.]
, guys, come on.
[Ring.]
Three in a row.
Three wins for a five.
We're gonna get fired right now.
We on the clock.
How much is the bike? I'll just buy it.
After playing $100, I was like, "dude, how much is this cycle right here?" - How fast do they go? - She goes about 30 Miles an hour.
Yo, this is, like, my perfect size motorcycle.
We got a winner here! Yo, how we gonna explain this to Danny? Tell him I bought you a birthday gift.
I don't think it's gonna fly.
Busted, big-time! Yeah! You're busted.
I'll stay an extra hour, 'cause I know that we [Bleep.]
Up, just 'cause she took a [Bleep.]
.
And he bought a vehicle.
'Scuse my language.
[Duck phone quacking.]
Hello? It's me.
I'm downstairs.
My father, he just stopped his whole day and, uh, made it his business to get out here, 'cause he knew something was wrong.
I don't know, so much has been going down lately.
- I'm glad you called, though.
- Uh-huh.
Instead of reacting off your gut and stuff.
- No, I know.
Uh, Sam left.
- Yeah.
Yeah? She's not here? - Wow.
- No.
I feel like I spend so much time focusing on her that I put myself in, like, a a big funk.
And it's like she got to go home to fix herself.
And it's like I don't know if I could do that here.
You go home, there's gonna be the same things bothering you, you know? So What were you thinking about when you got up today? Going home.
That's why I called you.
You know, wherever you go, there you are.
And if you think you're miserable here and you leave, you know, you might you're gonna yeah, but you're gonna feel it, no matter what.
So I was ready to leave, 'cause I'd rather have nothing and [Bleep.]
Ten years of being with her than to have everything and [Bleep.]
Have no peace of mind and just be so Twisted in the head.
I know right now it feels very painful.
It hurts like hell, and it feels like it's never gonna go away.
And we've all been through that, but You can do it, bro.
Now that she's not here, then you'll have some time, I guarantee you It'll get better, you know.
Hang out with the guys and stuff, you know? Just try to tough it out, man.
Don't give up.
What are you gonna do? - Just stick it out.
- Yeah, right? If I feel like in a couple of days The next time you feel like you want to, just pick up the phone and call me.
My father definitely talked me off the ledge at this point.
I was ready to jump and, I think, make a big mistake.
But, uh, he's definitely given me the strength to just stick it out.
- Okay? - I love you.
- I love you too.
- Thank you.
Give me a call.
Let me know.
What a long fricking day.
It needs a mixture of gas and oil it said in here.
It's my bike, dog.
- How'd you get this? - I bought it for his birthday.
We need to get on that, immediately.
- [Engine buzzing.]
- Yeah, buddy! [Engine revving.]
Ya big bastard! Seeing Ronnie's big ass on that little bike.
It's so funny.
He's like a bear in a circus riding this bike right now.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
Get on it, dude! I never rode a bike.
Who cares? Just give it gas.
[Engine revving.]
Yeah, buddy! [Laughter.]
First time since Sammi has left I seen Ronnie smiling.
[Ronnie laughing.]
- Get on the back, deena! - Can I go? Damn, we're out of gas.
- Aww.
- [Laughing.]
Do we have any more? [Dial tone.]
[Dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
- [Male voice.]
Nick - [Female voice.]
Is not available.
It's, like, past 4:30, and I just got back to the house.
So, um, give me a call back if you still wanna get together.
[Bleep.]
! [Dial tone.]
[Dialing.]
Wow! I love talking to your voice mail.
I don't mind calling, like, 20 times in a row.
Your call has been forwarded Boo! Still no answer.
- I'm calling one more time.
- No! I'm just thinking to myself, "why isn't he answering? "He was so excited to see me.
What's going on right now?" [Laughing.]
I'm so stressed out right now.
He didn't answer at all? What if he hooked up with one of his friends last night? - Oh, my God.
- [Snickering.]
It's not funny.
It is! You end up [Bleep.]
A guy, you've been waiting two weeks to go on a date with's friend.
What? [Whispering.]
Gianni is that other boy that you hooked up with's cousin.
Ohh, man! - Can we call a cab really quick? - I'll call a cab for you.
Aw, Mike! Two people, I'm sending them to New York City.
It's a surprise.
We're gonna take them to Times Square.
I'm so ashamed.
This is not my proudest moment.
Nicole, I'm gonna talk to Roger right now.
I'm gonna ask if he heard from Nick.
- What's going on? - I have a question.
- Have you heard from Nick? - No, I haven't heard from him.
Well, they had a date at 4:30 today, or she and he didn't answer.
I just know what Nick told me at the gym.
That he heard this kid was, like, hanging out with Nicole.
What? Gianni? Oh, I think that's Nick's friend's cousin.
- It's his cousin? - You were telling me that Not not Nick's cousin.
Nick's friend's cousin.
Nick's friend's cousin.
That kid gianni, his cousin is hanging out with Nicole and is a good friend of Nick's.
Hold on.
Hold on.
[Whispering.]
Gianni is that other boy that you hooked up with's cousin.
- Wait, what? - Which other boy? That other boy you hooked up with? - Jeff? - Jeff's cousin.
[Laughing.]
Oh, man! I hooked up with Nick and Jeff and gianni, who are friends.
And I think Nick no, gianni and Jeff are cousins.
Yeah.
Snooks keeping it in the family! Busted Both: Big-time! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Stop! - Yeah! Yeah! Whatever.
[Bleep.]
My life.
[Bleep.]
Happens.
Hey, babe, have a good time.
- Are we cool? - Yeah.
- All right, I miss you.
- All right, baby.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
So what's going on, bro? What are you trying to do right now? I'm trying to fix this toilet.
That's a toilet snake.
- For real? - Yeah, Danny gave it to us.
Let me see that thing.
I was gonna ask about that.
The toilet's still [Bleep.]
Clogged up.
And, you know, it's actually pretty friggin' disgusting.
- Did you take a [Bleep.]
Yet? - Yeah, did today.
- Good.
- I made sure.
Me and this toilet is like a boxing match.
Like, we keep going rounds with each other.
I got knocked out in the first round, so I'm going back at it.
Why does it wind back up? Pauly! Yo, pauly, do you know how to use that [Bleep.]
Thing? Nah, no idea.
I'm not from around here.
Can we call a plumber? Ah, well, Danny probably knows how, but I just want to get the toilet bowl unclogged at this point.
Oh, [Bleep.]
This [Bleep.]
.
I'm usually pretty good at clearing out pipes and laying down the pipe.
But, uh When it comes to unclogging this toilet, I just can't hang.
[Bleep.]
This.
[Bleep.]
.
Can't do anything right.
- Vin, do you wanna bang? - What? Will you still have sex with me? I cannot believe that you had sex with that kid.
- Well, I take it back.
- I can't believe it.
I take it back.
I'm so pissed that I [Bleep.]
Up my date with Nick.
And now Vinny doesn't even give me the time of day.
Don't feel bad.
- Was the sex good? - No, wasn't even worth it.
What the hell? The kid's shorter than you.
Great.
[Crowd shouting.]
Hi, I ordered a cab to 1209 ocean terrace.
It never came.
A few minutes? All right, bye.
Yo, Vinny, did you know that dude [Bleep, bleep.]
Snooks? He [Bleep.]
Your [Bleep.]
Last night? What is it with dudes meeting girls for the first time and [Bleep.]
? You need a background check, social security number, how much she's making a year.
- S.
T.
D.
Check.
- Vinny! - What? - God! - That was mean.
- She's been to jail! - I'm over Vinny.
- She's not mad at me.
She's mad at me.
Vinny really pisses me off, 'cause he's the one who always brings home grenades.
So I'm doing me.
He should be proud of that.
Nicole! Can't hear you.
Bye, not listening.
I know you don't want me to call you, but But I just, like, wanted to hear your voice, you know? I can't keep it inside anymore.
I gotta give Sam a call.
What about us? - I think you put me through a lot.
- I was wrong for everything.
I always knew what I had, and, like, you didn't.
If she comes back, I can't be in the same house with her.
He's gonna try and win you over with, "oh, I'm sorry.
I love you.
" It's crap, and you know it.
It's gonna be really hard.
- You been dancin' all night.
- Let's go.
Sweating that [Bleep.]
All up.
She don't shower for three days sometimes.
- That was [Bleep.]
Mean.
- She's been to jail! - I'm over Vinny.
- Nicole! You're not mad at me, right? - You're a jerk.
- Why? - You're mean.
- I'm not mean.
There's definitely a double standard in the house.
Vinny can hook up with all these grenades, but if I bring home guys and only sleep with one of them, like, I'm the biggest slut in the world.
I just don't get why you [Bleep.]
Rag on me about that [Bleep.]
.
When how many times do you [Bleep, bleep.]
? We weren't ragging on you.
We were ragging on the guy.
Don't be mean to me like that.
I don't like that.
I want you to hook up and get with guys, but not I just didn't like that kid.
And and I want Good quality guys.
There's no good quality guys in seaside, jerk.
I wasn't ragging on you.
Cab's here! Since Ronnie's not going out, he'll wake us up for gym and tanning.
I'm on the dance floor sweatin' like trying to get a triple double man, she on me, like to thank her shake it girl, you dance like a Jamaican girl d-d-d-d-d-do feel my pulse d-d-d-d-d-do Me and Vinny are having a really good time right now on the dance floor.
And that's when I'm starting to think, "like, okay, maybe he's starting to feel what I've been feeling.
" Feel my pulse You're a prostitute? - Yeah.
- Oh, I love it.
She knows Roger.
- She knows Roger? - You guys know Roger? - I know Roger.
- Yeah, we do.
Yeah.
So what? Were you seeing Roger? - Yeah.
- Yeah? What happened? - You guys - He's in Maine.
It's been almost a week since I've seen Roger, and I'm kind of missing him.
I can't wait to see him when he comes home.
- Is that your friend? - Yeah, very good friend.
Oh, I I'm head over heels for him.
And when he comes back, are you still seeing him? I start to realize that He's hitting on me.
You should text him right now and tell him I miss him.
I like where I am with Roger right now.
And I don't want to pull a Nicole with Nick and ruin it by just hooking up with some Joe schmoe.
- What is it, "jwoww"? - Misses you.
I'll be right back.
- I wanna leave! - Yo, you trying to leave? - Party foul? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughing.]
Whoa! What a good time.
[Laughing.]
I'm not going in anyone's bed 'cause they're all jerk offs in my house.
- Uses an entire paper towel - Where's Nicole? - Deena, where's Nicole? - Yo, Nicole! Hey, Nicole! Ah, hell, yes.
Wanna cuddle? Vinny didn't bring home a girl, and I didn't bring home a guy.
So I decided to go into Vinny's bed.
'Cause, you know, I love cuddling with Vinny, and he's, like, the best cuddle partner ever.
- [Kiss.]
- [Indistinct.]
Come to your bed.
Let's go.
You don't wanna do this.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna carry you there.
- Cuddle with me.
- No, you don't wanna cuddle.
Really? No, stop.
I want to cuddle with you.
No.
When Vinny's sober, he doesn't want to snuggle.
He wants nothing to do with me.
Cool.
Like, make up your mind.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
What happened tonight, bro? Vinny and snooki, they have like a weird thing going on where I don't know if they ultimately have feelings for each other.
Whatever, they should just smush and get it over with.
It's just a smush fest, not no feelings.
Snooks is passed out on your bed.
You should [Bleep, bleep.]
, bro.
I'm not smashing her after she [Bleep.]
banged some kid last night.
I feel you, bro.
I'm not really okay with a guy hooking up with snooki, and then me doing it.
You know, I'm not really with that.
I care about her too much to let her smash two nights.
I'm going to bed.
This relationship's through.
I'm going to bed too.
Well, it's not clear why'd you leave me here alone Hello? - Who is this? - It's me.
What's up? I know you don't want me to call you, but I just, like, wanted to hear your voice, you know? I miss you.
Are you all right? No, I almost left yesterday.
It sounds like you're doing a lot better.
So that's good.
Yeah, I needed this, like, so bad.
You know? Like, really, really bad.
Like, I needed to come home.
What about us? - You put me through a lot.
- I did.
A lot.
I never thought you would ever, like, do that to me.
And you did.
And I was wrong for everything.
But I always knew what I had, and, like, you didn't.
- You're right.
- Now, when I leave, now you realize.
It's not okay.
You know? What if I do come back? Like, we don't have to be together.
I could be your friend.
I can be there for you as a friend, if you need one.
I love Sam, but I don't think I'm gonna be friends with Sam.
You can't move on from life, being friends with somebody that you used to date.
I'm not gonna sit in this house and be your friend.
You're serious? I don't think I could fix myself here.
This isn't isn't the place for me to do it.
Don't ruin your life over me.
Well, you are my life, though, heh.
All right, well, go spend time with your family.
- All right.
- Hopefully I'll see you soon.
- Okay.
- All right, bye.
Okay, bye.
If she comes back, I can't be in the same house with her.
We can't be around each other.
We can't live together.
Can we go? Because it's 6:30.
And I want to eat and take my time.
- Mike, you ready? - I'm ready to leave.
- I don't care.
- Mike, we're leaving.
We took off on Mike.
I'm leaving my home right now, my serenity, to go back into the madness at the Jersey shore.
Hi, Sam.
Can we have a marshmallow fight? Can we stick 'em to the ceiling? [Laughing.]
We can't do that.
No, you have to do it, like this.
[Laughter.]
Let's, like, stick 'em to things.
Little treats from the meatballs! Yay, this is fun! Break 'em off.
What a good time.
Fun.
Where else? Oh, you got everywhere I wanted.
Do it on the duck! Boing.
I think we're good.
- Should we go to jenks now? - Put some on that curtain.
- Yeah.
- Let's go to jenks, and just leave it like this.
- Mike, you wanna go to jenks? - Uh, I don't know.
I gotta make some phone calls.
So if you wanna go to jenks now, I'm down.
- I'm down.
- Ooh, call a cab.
Mike's on the phone.
Mike, we need the phone, for two seconds.
Um, all right, I have to call you back, 'cause snooks needs to call a cab.
- But I'll call you right back.
- All right, bye.
That was my sister, and I got off the phone with her.
- Can we call a cab really quick? - Yeah, let her call the cab.
I'll call the cab for you.
- Thank you, Mike.
- Thank you, Mike.
They're like, "we really need to use the phone.
" So I was like, "all right, don't worry.
I'll call the taxi for you.
" [Dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
It's me and you.
Meatball power.
[Burps.]
- Taxi.
- Uh, yeah, hi.
I have two people.
I'm sending them to Times Square.
- New York City.
- Times Square? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I believe, if you're gonna do a prank, you really need to get somebody good.
And, uh, the two passengers in the car think they're going to jenkinson's.
It's it's a surprise.
We're gonna take them to Times Square.
Oh, we're telling them jenkinson's, but they're going to Times Square? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- All righty.
- You got it.
See you in a half hour, buddy, bye-bye.
You guys are going to jenks! It's on me.
I'm paying for the taxi.
- Are you coming? - Aw, Mike.
Come with us! Uh, I'll meet you guys there.
They think they're going to jenks.
Uh, but guess what, you're not going to jenks.
You're going to Times Square.
Why are there marshmallows all over the place? - That's weird.
- Who did that, you? I don't know.
- I walked in, it was like that.
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Somebody marshmallowed the house.
- [Laughing.]
Yeah, they did.
- Yeah, they did.
You know it was you.
Yo, pauly.
Yeah, George.
Got a little [Bleep.]
Prank going, dude.
[Bleep.]
, with who? Uh, snooks and deena were going to jenks.
So I called the taxi up, and I'm like, uh, I'm like, "listen, it's a surprise.
" I'm like, "the kids think they're going to jenkinson's.
Take them to Times Square.
" Then and deen and deen and deena and them are not gonna know [Bleep.]
.
Man, Mike's real funny.
That's a great prank.
And the girls are too dumb to even realize it.
What are you all gonna do? The girls are going to jenks and the guys are doing our thing.
Uh, I'm going to jenks.
Yo Yeah, buddy.
They're not going to jenks, you [Bleep.]
.
We have a cab taking them to Times Square.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, right.
Are you serious? [Honking.]
Is the cab here? So, um They think they're going to jenkinson's.
Yeah, they told you on the thing, right? Okay? Thanks.
Great.
Mission accomplished.
- See you later, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
- We'll be back at 8:00.
- Come back.
Bye, guys.
- This is a Cadillac? How classy.
Hello, sexy! Gonna be the funnest cab ride ever.
People think I'm dumb, but I'm really not that dumb.
- You're not dumb.
- No.
Do I look hot, sir? Can you look at me real quick? - Do I? - Oh, watch the road.
But do I look hot? I'm the luckiest cab driver in point pleasant.
- Thank you.
- Yay! You wanna see my [Bleep.]
? Oh, wow.
- Do that to me, I'd be like - Did we pass point pleasant? - What? - We're, like, by red bank.
There's a lot of traffic.
And we have to go this way to avoid the traffic.
- Oh, we're doing the back way? - Yeah.
Yo, we're gonna go to dinner at rivoli's.
I'm with you.
I'm with you guys.
I'm going to get dinner with you guys, and then I'm going out.
What time are we going to dinner? We're gonna go as soon as Mike gets ready.
[Dial tone.]
Rivoli's, rivoli's where you can get cannolis rivoli's, rivoli's Well, I'll be able to get a drink with you at the club or something.
You almost ready? Everybody's ready, 'cept for Uh Can we go? Because it's 6:30, and I wanna eat and take my time.
- He has to get ready.
- He already is ready.
You have to get ready? Going to rivoli's.
You can go just like that.
Nah, I'm not gonna jump in the shower.
I'll just put jeans on.
- All right, we'll leave in five minutes.
- All right, I'll be ready.
But, really, we should have left by now.
- Right now - We are real hungry.
We're on a short time span.
Mike takes his time on the phone.
Goes upstairs, takes his time.
[Electric razor buzzing.]
Mike, you ready? Yeah, five minutes.
Oh, I thought you guys left.
Mike, we're leavin'! Three minutes! He's washing his face.
I'm ready to leave.
I don't care.
I need to get out of this house.
Like Let's go.
I'll deal with it.
Don't worry.
We don't wanna wait for Mike anymore.
It's time to teach him a lesson.
So me, Ronnie, and pauly just go eat without him.
Get me the [Bleep.]
Out of this house, please.
We took off on Mike.
- Are you kidding me? - Alfredo.
I didn't bring my family with me.
I'm gonna enjoy my meal with my housemates.
This pasta is good, vin, right? Yep.
The fact that he pulled that dirty prank, I don't like that.
I don't wanna be friends with you ever again, 'cause you're a [Bleep.]
Jerk-off.
- Mike, we're leavin'! - Three minutes! We let Mike know three times we were about to leave.
- Go.
Leave him.
- Let's go.
When we say we're leavin', we're leavin'.
Like, "we're leavin' in five minutes," we're leaving in five minutes take us serious.
Know what Gina told me last night? She was like, "yeah, Mike was like, "I know you're Paul's friend and everything, but I'm trying to take you home.
" Yo, look at Mike.
Wow.
- I can take you home with me.
- I'm not like that.
Ah, that's dirty, bro.
I'm really secure, like like, literally, you could spend the whole night with her, but, like, I don't care.
But he asked her to come home.
That's interesting.
Exes, that's like, you don't - Yeah.
- You don't cross that line.
That's been my rule my whole life.
It's like breathing to me, where I wouldn't go near a girl you're [Bleep.]
With.
Some people aren't like that, I guess.
It's funny to see, though.
- We're still going the right way or no? - Yeah, we're going the right way.
We're having such a good time driving to jenks that we don't realize that we passed the freakin' exit, and we've been in the car for like an hour now.
This is way too long.
I think we need to turn around, bro.
So where the [.]
Are we going? We're by woodbridge right now! What if Mike said, "bring these girls home?" [Laughing.]
If that's where you're going, really, turn around.
Can't we just say to turn around? - Hi.
- Where's everyone? - Left.
- They left already? Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty [Bleep.]
Up.
I just pulled a really good prank, and now, somehow, somebody decided to pull a little prank on me and leave without the situation.
That doesn't happen.
What are we gonna do? We need to teach these fools a lesson.
- Feel me? - What are you gonna do? Well, now, I'm going to not talk to any of them.
[Laughs.]
'Cause I wouldn't have done that, right? No.
Maybe it's just 'cause you took too long? - I don't know.
- Well, listen They knew I was coming.
Regardless, you wait for somebody.
- That's just proper - Common courtesy? Proper etiquette and courtesy.
You agree with me.
Don't say nothin' if you agree with me.
- [Chuckles.]
- He agrees with me.
See, you would be so happy if I got with your mother, wouldn't you? [Laughs.]
Are you ready? Let's go get some food.
Is this it? I had a lot of stuff.
[Bleep.]
Stupid car right now.
- That old green car? - Yeah.
[Honks horn.]
- [Dog snarls.]
- No! [Laughing.]
Feast for me.
Pass the bread, please.
Oh, thank you.
The rest of the house left the situation.
But guess what.
I'm gonna sit down right now.
I'm gonna eat my food and enjoy my meal with my housemates.
This pasta's good, vin, right? Yep.
Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me? - Here's your Alfredo.
- That's not even a plate.
- I didn't bring my family with me.
- They just took it by - Chicken paradise.
Oh, my God! Rivoli's knows how to feed people.
They give you dishes that would feed the whole, entire house, just for one person.
Oh, my God, and there's sausage inside this [.]
? This is how much pasta I cooked for Sunday dinner last week.
This is bangin' right now.
Bam! [Humming.]
Hold on, you want some? Nah, I'll eat it.
Mmm, it's good.
So, Ronnie, why you crying all the time? Gotta man up, dog.
A little disappointed in you, pauly.
Bought you a birthday gift.
Always look out for you, dog.
And you bounce.
You cannot have any of my ravioli, Vinny.
You have pink eye! Hey, deena Oh, my bad.
You're in Times Square.
I'm so glad we went out to dinner, guys.
You know what I'm saying? - [Laughing.]
- [Chuckles.]
Ohh, Mike.
[Chuckles.]
I'm leaving my my home right now, my serenity.
To go back into the madness at the Jersey shore.
And I'm thinking to myself, you're ready, you can do this.
I know who you are, Sam.
You're gonna be fine.
Sam.
Hi.
It's not gonna be easy, and we're really Gonna be thinking about you every single day.
'Cause I know it's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be really hard, but I think I prepared myself.
You know that you need to be strong when you get back, because he's gonna try and win you over with, "oh, I'm sorry.
I love you.
" It's crap, and you know it.
So you have to be seriously strong.
Or I will come, and I will have a talk with him.
For sure.
Being home has made me realize a lot.
I think you grow when you actually have some time to yourself.
All right, let me get goin'.
I feel like I learned, myself, as a person, and what my limits are and what I deserve.
You want us to just leave those? - Leave what? - The flowers.
Yeah, leave 'em.
- Have fun tonight.
- I will.
- Bye.
Mwah.
- Oh, there goes my cuca.
Out everywhere.
We're by staten island! - Dude, do you not get it? - Is that New York City? - Yeah, you don't get it.
- Where are we going? - We're so - Where are we going? - Where are we going? - This isn't fair.
We're not even gonna be able to go out to jenks tonight.
We realize Mike just sent team meatballs to the city.
Mike booked this! Mike booked this.
Dude, I will never talk to that [Bleep.]
Kid ever again.
- I swear - No, are we [Bleep.]
There? I swear on a cat's grave that I will never talk to him ever again.
- Cool.
- I am pissed beyond belief! And this is the last straw.
This is [Bleep.]
Up.
I don't even know what's going on.
And this is not funny anymore.
Where does pauly go for his haircut? - The "baba.
" - Hi, Sam.
Mike booked this.
Dude, I will never talk to that [Bleep.]
Kid ever again, I swear.
- Are we almost there? - Is that New York City? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? And in my search I will find that this place isn't right and I'm stuck for all time Did Mike really just send us to the city? Like, I'm done.
Done with Mike! Yeah, well, [Bleep.]
You, Mike.
We're getting [Bleep.]
Alcohol and we're getting [Bleep.]
Up.
Finally decide to do a u-turn and go back to the house.
When I get in the house, I'm gonna tell Mike, "thank you for getting me out of this [Bleep.]
"[Bleep.]
Hole-smelling house "and bringing me into this car with this lovely man, "and and [Bleep.]
A good time.
And a road trip!" Mike thinks he's gonna get over on the meatballs.
But in reality, baby, the meatballs make the best of every situation.
So go screw yourself, Mike.
Bye! Bye, Mike! - See ya.
- See ya later.
I never ate so much food in my whole, entire life.
- Was it good? - It was amazing.
The boys kind of acted a little cowardly when they got home.
They were putting their heads down and trying to avoid me.
They knew they shouldn't have done it.
But, uh, that's just how, you know, the troop's whack without their general, you know? Wow.
[Loud, long burp.]
[Groans.]
[Burps.]
Ooh.
Every time I eat at rivoli's, I wanna die.
As my stomach feels like it's gonna explode, I don't stop eating.
It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of [Bleep.]
I am.
[Groans softly.]
- Food comas? - Jenni.
- Is he mad? - I think so, yeah.
I think he's just sad.
'Cause he's like, "I let Ronnie cry on my shoulder.
"I bought pauly a bike.
So I don't understand why they just do that to me.
" So I was like I don't know.
Mike's real sour when we get home from dinner.
He's like, "you're supposed to be my boys.
" But what it is, is now he can take us serious.
Like when we say we're leaving, we're leaving.
Here, bro, get into this.
[Clatter.]
- Oh, you guys - There's so much.
You're being nice to me.
You left me, and now you're gonna give me a little bit of fettuccine.
A little bit? There's a lot.
I feel you.
I feel I'm a little pissed at you guys - for bouncing on me today.
- We know.
Yeah, I was like I was pretty pissed.
Heh, I just bought this mother [Bleep.]
A birthday gift for the [Bleep.]
, and then they bounce on me? Honestly, I was pretty [Bleep.]
Up.
I'm mad at the boys, also.
I just don't like Vinny lying to me.
I know you don't.
- Vinny's, like, one of my best friends.
- After that, now he has to bang you.
- He has to.
- He has to.
- To win my friendship back.
- Yeah.
Yeah! I will give you a tip, but I'm still kind of mad at you.
We're havin' a good time! Yaaaay! - We went to New York City.
- [Bleep.]
, thank you, Mike! I had such a good time! When we get back to that house, we run in like we had a blast! Like, yeah, I went to the city! Get off of me! [Bleep.]
You.
You actually made it there, though? Yeah, we went to the city, and we got a drink, - and we clubbed.
- Oh, my God, I had such a So thank you, Mike.
You're an ass [Bleep.]
.
And I don't wanna be friends with you ever again.
'Cause you're a [Bleep.]
Jerk-off.
- Why, I thought you guys - We did, but the fact that he pulled that dirty prank, I don't like that.
It doesn't make sense.
They had a good time, but they're mad at me.
Deena and snooks have just showed again why they defy the law of intelligence.
I really thought you guys were gonna be able to turn around whenever you wanted, for real.
If you guys are upset, I apologize.
It was only a tiny joke, and you guys were supposed to turn around at the turnpike.
- He did it to be mean! - He's an ass [Bleep.]
.
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.
Yeah, he did.
Even though it made me very upset, and I almost had an anxiety attack, at the end of the day, it was a good prank.
We need to get him back somehow.
[Laughing.]
He's mad that we had a good time.
- Yeah, he is.
- [Both laughing.]
How messed up and shady was that? I'm like, "where are we going? Where are we going?" The cab wouldn't tell us where we're going.
I was really sorry.
I had no idea.
And I'm pissed at Vinny and pauly, 'cause they didn't tell me.
- Don't be mad at me.
- [Dog growling.]
No, I'm pissed at you right now.
- Why? - I'm pissed at you and pauly.
- Why? - Because you knew it before I left, and you couldn't tell me.
To the point where me and deena were in the back seat, freaking out, like, "where the [Bleep.]
Are we going?" - I couldn't, though.
- And the cab wouldn't tell us.
I know, but it wasn't my prank.
I figured you and pauly would tell me.
- I'm not a snitch.
- *** To the point where I was about to call my dad and say, "pick me up in the city, 'cause I'm going home.
" It wasn't my idea, and and I had nothing to do with it.
But I would appreciate if you just told me.
Like, that's not funny.
I don't wanna be put in that position where I have to snitch on somebody.
I just stay out of it.
It's not my business.
It was his prank.
I didn't do anything.
If you wanna be mad at me, you can, but there's no reason to.
I just heard that you guys are mad at me.
But I didn't do anything.
- [Laughter.]
- Pauly So I'm mad at you for being mad at me for no reason! So try and talk to me! I'm mad! [Laughter.]
Pissed! [Laughter.]
I wanna know, when did you realize you weren't going to jenks? We saw buildings I thought you guys were gonna realize, though.
Really? Me and [Bleep.]
Deena? - [Laughing.]
Really? - I knew.
- So what are we doing, karma or - I think they wanted to just do karma.
How about we take two separate cabs, and you get your own cab? Cool, I'll go back to the city and I'll stay there.
[Bleep.]
Saturday night.
I'll come with you.
Yeah, I want some Ron, Ron juice.
- No.
- Can I have a glass? No.
Ron, really? - Come on.
- [Bleep.]
.
And all the while you're still taking all your sweet time your heart was missing, and you don't know why it took so long to get here - Where we going tonight? - Karma.
- Karma.
- "Kar-ma.
" - What separates two words in a sentence? - Comma.
[Laughter.]
What does it cal a baby call a bottle? - Baba.
- Baba.
Where does pauly go for his haircut? - The "baba.
" - Hi, Sam.
- Aah! - What the hell? Oh, my God! - Am I dreaming or am I awake? - You look good.
Meatball! [Whirring.]
- Feel better? - Much better.
Sam wants to hang out with the girls, and Ron is just like a little puppy dog chasing after the girl.
I don't wanna, like Smother you.
You do look beautiful, though.
You're sucking up to me.
Ron, it's my first night back.
You could say you're beautiful all you want, but it doesn't change anything.
I wish my head wore a condom.
'Cause I'm getting mind [Bleep.]
.
I'm going into your nasty-ass [Bleep.]
Bathroom, so All: Ohh! - That [Bleep.]
Stinks! - Help! We have an emergency with that toilet.
- It's disgusting.
- Oh, my God! Actually, I would have to say that's a [Bleep.]
.
- I think I like Vinny a lot.
- Uh-oh.
If he brings home a girl, I'm gonna kill myself.
Vinny! Vinny brought a girl home.
I hate you!
Yes.
Okay, don't be an ass[Bleep.]
.
I see this kid snooki brings home.
Yo, you know who that kid is? That's the kid that busted in with his Uncle.
We gotta go up there.
My niece gotta go.
- My niece gotta go.
- [Squealing.]
That's a [Bleep.]
Block.
Let me do my own thing.
- [Bleep.]
.
- Yeah.
What the hell? Oh, it stinks.
Poo-poo pillow.
One, two, three, four.
I declare a prank war.
Aah! My croc! - How'd you know it was up there? - Mike.
Yo, his name isn't sitch anymore.
It's snitch-uation, yo.
- [Laughter.]
- Snitch-uation.
[Crying.]
I can't do this anymore.
I need to go home and Get myself together.
I can't be around Ron anymore.
The best thing for me to do is go home and be done with the whole thing.
As a woman, I'd probably leave too.
I feel like I don't have anybody in this house.
You think you're gonna leave also? [Get crazy by lmfao.]
Dj pauly delvecchio! I'm going to the Jersey shore, bitch! All right, we got a situation.
I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
[Laughing.]
After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.
Go Vinny! Go Vinny! You like the boobs? Do something crazy [Hip-hop music.]
- Spoon me.
- What do you mean? Can you not be the worst snuggler ever? Want me to go? Yeah, sure.
Leave.
Bye.
If you don't wanna cuddle, thanks for the bragole, but no dinner dates with me and you.
Good-bye.
Never see you again.
- I had sex last night.
- What? Is that why you got the condom from me? My vagina's killing me.
Do you have a number, or is he one one done? [Laughing.]
On to the next.
[Bleep.]
That.
- Nick's hotter.
No offense.
- Yeah, he is.
[Dialing.]
[Line rings.]
- Hello? - Hey, it's Nicole.
- Yo, what's going on? - Nick was, like, the perfect guy.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Gorilla, sexy.
You know, hot, muscley.
So why not just, you know, give it another try with Nick? - What are you doing tonight? - Why, what you got plans? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to, like, get together.
All right.
You want to call me, then, around, like, 4:30? Are you gonna answer? Yes, I'll be waiting for you around that time.
- All right, bye.
- Good-bye.
Is it me, or does he sound ghetto? We got work, pimp.
I'm not trying to get fired, dog! Get it! We have work, deena! Get your weiner cleaner! Deena! Let's go! - An all-star staff here today.
- 'Cept for deena.
[Cranking.]
You're the boss.
Deena, you're doing nothing.
Thank you.
Go on the floor and bring me a sale.
- Please.
- I'm hung over.
I'm not having a good time.
Work blows [Bleep.]
for skittles right now.
I wanna kill myself.
- What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
You want a ride? Um Yo, we're bouncin' for a second for our break - to get a cup of ice cream.
- I wanna go.
Deena's still sleeping.
Look at her.
Yo, do you wanna just stay out for just like an hour and then blame it on me? I like where your head's at, girl! [Dial tone, dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
- Yo.
- What are you doing? - What's going on, Ron? - I need someone to talk to.
I definitely think I need my dad, because he's been through a lot of [Bleep.]
In his life.
And I need somebody that understands what I'm going through.
Just feel like I've made too many bad decisions at this point.
I need to fix it.
I'm not gonna fix it here.
I need you or [Bleep.]
My friends.
I need people that understand me.
You want me to come down, I come down tonight, bro.
I can get down there like an hour and a half, - no problem.
- All right.
- All right, bye.
- Bye-bye.
What up, man? How do you win that bike right there? Three in a row.
Three wins for a prize.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
All right.
All right, here we go.
Watch him.
He's going for the motorcycle.
- [Bleep.]
.
- There we go.
Your sister.
That's, like, impossible, dog.
- You gotta get three in a row? - Yeah, buddy.
I gotta I gotta go again for the bike, dog.
- One more time.
- Yeah.
[Phone line ringing.]
[Bleep.]
, guys, come on.
[Ring.]
Three in a row.
Three wins for a five.
We're gonna get fired right now.
We on the clock.
How much is the bike? I'll just buy it.
After playing $100, I was like, "dude, how much is this cycle right here?" - How fast do they go? - She goes about 30 Miles an hour.
Yo, this is, like, my perfect size motorcycle.
We got a winner here! Yo, how we gonna explain this to Danny? Tell him I bought you a birthday gift.
I don't think it's gonna fly.
Busted, big-time! Yeah! You're busted.
I'll stay an extra hour, 'cause I know that we [Bleep.]
Up, just 'cause she took a [Bleep.]
.
And he bought a vehicle.
'Scuse my language.
[Duck phone quacking.]
Hello? It's me.
I'm downstairs.
My father, he just stopped his whole day and, uh, made it his business to get out here, 'cause he knew something was wrong.
I don't know, so much has been going down lately.
- I'm glad you called, though.
- Uh-huh.
Instead of reacting off your gut and stuff.
- No, I know.
Uh, Sam left.
- Yeah.
Yeah? She's not here? - Wow.
- No.
I feel like I spend so much time focusing on her that I put myself in, like, a a big funk.
And it's like she got to go home to fix herself.
And it's like I don't know if I could do that here.
You go home, there's gonna be the same things bothering you, you know? So What were you thinking about when you got up today? Going home.
That's why I called you.
You know, wherever you go, there you are.
And if you think you're miserable here and you leave, you know, you might you're gonna yeah, but you're gonna feel it, no matter what.
So I was ready to leave, 'cause I'd rather have nothing and [Bleep.]
Ten years of being with her than to have everything and [Bleep.]
Have no peace of mind and just be so Twisted in the head.
I know right now it feels very painful.
It hurts like hell, and it feels like it's never gonna go away.
And we've all been through that, but You can do it, bro.
Now that she's not here, then you'll have some time, I guarantee you It'll get better, you know.
Hang out with the guys and stuff, you know? Just try to tough it out, man.
Don't give up.
What are you gonna do? - Just stick it out.
- Yeah, right? If I feel like in a couple of days The next time you feel like you want to, just pick up the phone and call me.
My father definitely talked me off the ledge at this point.
I was ready to jump and, I think, make a big mistake.
But, uh, he's definitely given me the strength to just stick it out.
- Okay? - I love you.
- I love you too.
- Thank you.
Give me a call.
Let me know.
What a long fricking day.
It needs a mixture of gas and oil it said in here.
It's my bike, dog.
- How'd you get this? - I bought it for his birthday.
We need to get on that, immediately.
- [Engine buzzing.]
- Yeah, buddy! [Engine revving.]
Ya big bastard! Seeing Ronnie's big ass on that little bike.
It's so funny.
He's like a bear in a circus riding this bike right now.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
Get on it, dude! I never rode a bike.
Who cares? Just give it gas.
[Engine revving.]
Yeah, buddy! [Laughter.]
First time since Sammi has left I seen Ronnie smiling.
[Ronnie laughing.]
- Get on the back, deena! - Can I go? Damn, we're out of gas.
- Aww.
- [Laughing.]
Do we have any more? [Dial tone.]
[Dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
- [Male voice.]
Nick - [Female voice.]
Is not available.
It's, like, past 4:30, and I just got back to the house.
So, um, give me a call back if you still wanna get together.
[Bleep.]
! [Dial tone.]
[Dialing.]
Wow! I love talking to your voice mail.
I don't mind calling, like, 20 times in a row.
Your call has been forwarded Boo! Still no answer.
- I'm calling one more time.
- No! I'm just thinking to myself, "why isn't he answering? "He was so excited to see me.
What's going on right now?" [Laughing.]
I'm so stressed out right now.
He didn't answer at all? What if he hooked up with one of his friends last night? - Oh, my God.
- [Snickering.]
It's not funny.
It is! You end up [Bleep.]
A guy, you've been waiting two weeks to go on a date with's friend.
What? [Whispering.]
Gianni is that other boy that you hooked up with's cousin.
Ohh, man! - Can we call a cab really quick? - I'll call a cab for you.
Aw, Mike! Two people, I'm sending them to New York City.
It's a surprise.
We're gonna take them to Times Square.
I'm so ashamed.
This is not my proudest moment.
Nicole, I'm gonna talk to Roger right now.
I'm gonna ask if he heard from Nick.
- What's going on? - I have a question.
- Have you heard from Nick? - No, I haven't heard from him.
Well, they had a date at 4:30 today, or she and he didn't answer.
I just know what Nick told me at the gym.
That he heard this kid was, like, hanging out with Nicole.
What? Gianni? Oh, I think that's Nick's friend's cousin.
- It's his cousin? - You were telling me that Not not Nick's cousin.
Nick's friend's cousin.
Nick's friend's cousin.
That kid gianni, his cousin is hanging out with Nicole and is a good friend of Nick's.
Hold on.
Hold on.
[Whispering.]
Gianni is that other boy that you hooked up with's cousin.
- Wait, what? - Which other boy? That other boy you hooked up with? - Jeff? - Jeff's cousin.
[Laughing.]
Oh, man! I hooked up with Nick and Jeff and gianni, who are friends.
And I think Nick no, gianni and Jeff are cousins.
Yeah.
Snooks keeping it in the family! Busted Both: Big-time! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Stop! - Yeah! Yeah! Whatever.
[Bleep.]
My life.
[Bleep.]
Happens.
Hey, babe, have a good time.
- Are we cool? - Yeah.
- All right, I miss you.
- All right, baby.
- Bye, babe.
- Bye.
So what's going on, bro? What are you trying to do right now? I'm trying to fix this toilet.
That's a toilet snake.
- For real? - Yeah, Danny gave it to us.
Let me see that thing.
I was gonna ask about that.
The toilet's still [Bleep.]
Clogged up.
And, you know, it's actually pretty friggin' disgusting.
- Did you take a [Bleep.]
Yet? - Yeah, did today.
- Good.
- I made sure.
Me and this toilet is like a boxing match.
Like, we keep going rounds with each other.
I got knocked out in the first round, so I'm going back at it.
Why does it wind back up? Pauly! Yo, pauly, do you know how to use that [Bleep.]
Thing? Nah, no idea.
I'm not from around here.
Can we call a plumber? Ah, well, Danny probably knows how, but I just want to get the toilet bowl unclogged at this point.
Oh, [Bleep.]
This [Bleep.]
.
I'm usually pretty good at clearing out pipes and laying down the pipe.
But, uh When it comes to unclogging this toilet, I just can't hang.
[Bleep.]
This.
[Bleep.]
.
Can't do anything right.
- Vin, do you wanna bang? - What? Will you still have sex with me? I cannot believe that you had sex with that kid.
- Well, I take it back.
- I can't believe it.
I take it back.
I'm so pissed that I [Bleep.]
Up my date with Nick.
And now Vinny doesn't even give me the time of day.
Don't feel bad.
- Was the sex good? - No, wasn't even worth it.
What the hell? The kid's shorter than you.
Great.
[Crowd shouting.]
Hi, I ordered a cab to 1209 ocean terrace.
It never came.
A few minutes? All right, bye.
Yo, Vinny, did you know that dude [Bleep, bleep.]
Snooks? He [Bleep.]
Your [Bleep.]
Last night? What is it with dudes meeting girls for the first time and [Bleep.]
? You need a background check, social security number, how much she's making a year.
- S.
T.
D.
Check.
- Vinny! - What? - God! - That was mean.
- She's been to jail! - I'm over Vinny.
- She's not mad at me.
She's mad at me.
Vinny really pisses me off, 'cause he's the one who always brings home grenades.
So I'm doing me.
He should be proud of that.
Nicole! Can't hear you.
Bye, not listening.
I know you don't want me to call you, but But I just, like, wanted to hear your voice, you know? I can't keep it inside anymore.
I gotta give Sam a call.
What about us? - I think you put me through a lot.
- I was wrong for everything.
I always knew what I had, and, like, you didn't.
If she comes back, I can't be in the same house with her.
He's gonna try and win you over with, "oh, I'm sorry.
I love you.
" It's crap, and you know it.
It's gonna be really hard.
- You been dancin' all night.
- Let's go.
Sweating that [Bleep.]
All up.
She don't shower for three days sometimes.
- That was [Bleep.]
Mean.
- She's been to jail! - I'm over Vinny.
- Nicole! You're not mad at me, right? - You're a jerk.
- Why? - You're mean.
- I'm not mean.
There's definitely a double standard in the house.
Vinny can hook up with all these grenades, but if I bring home guys and only sleep with one of them, like, I'm the biggest slut in the world.
I just don't get why you [Bleep.]
Rag on me about that [Bleep.]
.
When how many times do you [Bleep, bleep.]
? We weren't ragging on you.
We were ragging on the guy.
Don't be mean to me like that.
I don't like that.
I want you to hook up and get with guys, but not I just didn't like that kid.
And and I want Good quality guys.
There's no good quality guys in seaside, jerk.
I wasn't ragging on you.
Cab's here! Since Ronnie's not going out, he'll wake us up for gym and tanning.
I'm on the dance floor sweatin' like trying to get a triple double man, she on me, like to thank her shake it girl, you dance like a Jamaican girl d-d-d-d-d-do feel my pulse d-d-d-d-d-do Me and Vinny are having a really good time right now on the dance floor.
And that's when I'm starting to think, "like, okay, maybe he's starting to feel what I've been feeling.
" Feel my pulse You're a prostitute? - Yeah.
- Oh, I love it.
She knows Roger.
- She knows Roger? - You guys know Roger? - I know Roger.
- Yeah, we do.
Yeah.
So what? Were you seeing Roger? - Yeah.
- Yeah? What happened? - You guys - He's in Maine.
It's been almost a week since I've seen Roger, and I'm kind of missing him.
I can't wait to see him when he comes home.
- Is that your friend? - Yeah, very good friend.
Oh, I I'm head over heels for him.
And when he comes back, are you still seeing him? I start to realize that He's hitting on me.
You should text him right now and tell him I miss him.
I like where I am with Roger right now.
And I don't want to pull a Nicole with Nick and ruin it by just hooking up with some Joe schmoe.
- What is it, "jwoww"? - Misses you.
I'll be right back.
- I wanna leave! - Yo, you trying to leave? - Party foul? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughing.]
Whoa! What a good time.
[Laughing.]
I'm not going in anyone's bed 'cause they're all jerk offs in my house.
- Uses an entire paper towel - Where's Nicole? - Deena, where's Nicole? - Yo, Nicole! Hey, Nicole! Ah, hell, yes.
Wanna cuddle? Vinny didn't bring home a girl, and I didn't bring home a guy.
So I decided to go into Vinny's bed.
'Cause, you know, I love cuddling with Vinny, and he's, like, the best cuddle partner ever.
- [Kiss.]
- [Indistinct.]
Come to your bed.
Let's go.
You don't wanna do this.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna carry you there.
- Cuddle with me.
- No, you don't wanna cuddle.
Really? No, stop.
I want to cuddle with you.
No.
When Vinny's sober, he doesn't want to snuggle.
He wants nothing to do with me.
Cool.
Like, make up your mind.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
What happened tonight, bro? Vinny and snooki, they have like a weird thing going on where I don't know if they ultimately have feelings for each other.
Whatever, they should just smush and get it over with.
It's just a smush fest, not no feelings.
Snooks is passed out on your bed.
You should [Bleep, bleep.]
, bro.
I'm not smashing her after she [Bleep.]
banged some kid last night.
I feel you, bro.
I'm not really okay with a guy hooking up with snooki, and then me doing it.
You know, I'm not really with that.
I care about her too much to let her smash two nights.
I'm going to bed.
This relationship's through.
I'm going to bed too.
Well, it's not clear why'd you leave me here alone Hello? - Who is this? - It's me.
What's up? I know you don't want me to call you, but I just, like, wanted to hear your voice, you know? I miss you.
Are you all right? No, I almost left yesterday.
It sounds like you're doing a lot better.
So that's good.
Yeah, I needed this, like, so bad.
You know? Like, really, really bad.
Like, I needed to come home.
What about us? - You put me through a lot.
- I did.
A lot.
I never thought you would ever, like, do that to me.
And you did.
And I was wrong for everything.
But I always knew what I had, and, like, you didn't.
- You're right.
- Now, when I leave, now you realize.
It's not okay.
You know? What if I do come back? Like, we don't have to be together.
I could be your friend.
I can be there for you as a friend, if you need one.
I love Sam, but I don't think I'm gonna be friends with Sam.
You can't move on from life, being friends with somebody that you used to date.
I'm not gonna sit in this house and be your friend.
You're serious? I don't think I could fix myself here.
This isn't isn't the place for me to do it.
Don't ruin your life over me.
Well, you are my life, though, heh.
All right, well, go spend time with your family.
- All right.
- Hopefully I'll see you soon.
- Okay.
- All right, bye.
Okay, bye.
If she comes back, I can't be in the same house with her.
We can't be around each other.
We can't live together.
Can we go? Because it's 6:30.
And I want to eat and take my time.
- Mike, you ready? - I'm ready to leave.
- I don't care.
- Mike, we're leaving.
We took off on Mike.
I'm leaving my home right now, my serenity, to go back into the madness at the Jersey shore.
Hi, Sam.
Can we have a marshmallow fight? Can we stick 'em to the ceiling? [Laughing.]
We can't do that.
No, you have to do it, like this.
[Laughter.]
Let's, like, stick 'em to things.
Little treats from the meatballs! Yay, this is fun! Break 'em off.
What a good time.
Fun.
Where else? Oh, you got everywhere I wanted.
Do it on the duck! Boing.
I think we're good.
- Should we go to jenks now? - Put some on that curtain.
- Yeah.
- Let's go to jenks, and just leave it like this.
- Mike, you wanna go to jenks? - Uh, I don't know.
I gotta make some phone calls.
So if you wanna go to jenks now, I'm down.
- I'm down.
- Ooh, call a cab.
Mike's on the phone.
Mike, we need the phone, for two seconds.
Um, all right, I have to call you back, 'cause snooks needs to call a cab.
- But I'll call you right back.
- All right, bye.
That was my sister, and I got off the phone with her.
- Can we call a cab really quick? - Yeah, let her call the cab.
I'll call the cab for you.
- Thank you, Mike.
- Thank you, Mike.
They're like, "we really need to use the phone.
" So I was like, "all right, don't worry.
I'll call the taxi for you.
" [Dialing.]
[Line ringing.]
It's me and you.
Meatball power.
[Burps.]
- Taxi.
- Uh, yeah, hi.
I have two people.
I'm sending them to Times Square.
- New York City.
- Times Square? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I believe, if you're gonna do a prank, you really need to get somebody good.
And, uh, the two passengers in the car think they're going to jenkinson's.
It's it's a surprise.
We're gonna take them to Times Square.
Oh, we're telling them jenkinson's, but they're going to Times Square? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- All righty.
- You got it.
See you in a half hour, buddy, bye-bye.
You guys are going to jenks! It's on me.
I'm paying for the taxi.
- Are you coming? - Aw, Mike.
Come with us! Uh, I'll meet you guys there.
They think they're going to jenks.
Uh, but guess what, you're not going to jenks.
You're going to Times Square.
Why are there marshmallows all over the place? - That's weird.
- Who did that, you? I don't know.
- I walked in, it was like that.
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Somebody marshmallowed the house.
- [Laughing.]
Yeah, they did.
- Yeah, they did.
You know it was you.
Yo, pauly.
Yeah, George.
Got a little [Bleep.]
Prank going, dude.
[Bleep.]
, with who? Uh, snooks and deena were going to jenks.
So I called the taxi up, and I'm like, uh, I'm like, "listen, it's a surprise.
" I'm like, "the kids think they're going to jenkinson's.
Take them to Times Square.
" Then and deen and deen and deena and them are not gonna know [Bleep.]
.
Man, Mike's real funny.
That's a great prank.
And the girls are too dumb to even realize it.
What are you all gonna do? The girls are going to jenks and the guys are doing our thing.
Uh, I'm going to jenks.
Yo Yeah, buddy.
They're not going to jenks, you [Bleep.]
.
We have a cab taking them to Times Square.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, right.
Are you serious? [Honking.]
Is the cab here? So, um They think they're going to jenkinson's.
Yeah, they told you on the thing, right? Okay? Thanks.
Great.
Mission accomplished.
- See you later, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
- We'll be back at 8:00.
- Come back.
Bye, guys.
- This is a Cadillac? How classy.
Hello, sexy! Gonna be the funnest cab ride ever.
People think I'm dumb, but I'm really not that dumb.
- You're not dumb.
- No.
Do I look hot, sir? Can you look at me real quick? - Do I? - Oh, watch the road.
But do I look hot? I'm the luckiest cab driver in point pleasant.
- Thank you.
- Yay! You wanna see my [Bleep.]
? Oh, wow.
- Do that to me, I'd be like - Did we pass point pleasant? - What? - We're, like, by red bank.
There's a lot of traffic.
And we have to go this way to avoid the traffic.
- Oh, we're doing the back way? - Yeah.
Yo, we're gonna go to dinner at rivoli's.
I'm with you.
I'm with you guys.
I'm going to get dinner with you guys, and then I'm going out.
What time are we going to dinner? We're gonna go as soon as Mike gets ready.
[Dial tone.]
Rivoli's, rivoli's where you can get cannolis rivoli's, rivoli's Well, I'll be able to get a drink with you at the club or something.
You almost ready? Everybody's ready, 'cept for Uh Can we go? Because it's 6:30, and I wanna eat and take my time.
- He has to get ready.
- He already is ready.
You have to get ready? Going to rivoli's.
You can go just like that.
Nah, I'm not gonna jump in the shower.
I'll just put jeans on.
- All right, we'll leave in five minutes.
- All right, I'll be ready.
But, really, we should have left by now.
- Right now - We are real hungry.
We're on a short time span.
Mike takes his time on the phone.
Goes upstairs, takes his time.
[Electric razor buzzing.]
Mike, you ready? Yeah, five minutes.
Oh, I thought you guys left.
Mike, we're leavin'! Three minutes! He's washing his face.
I'm ready to leave.
I don't care.
I need to get out of this house.
Like Let's go.
I'll deal with it.
Don't worry.
We don't wanna wait for Mike anymore.
It's time to teach him a lesson.
So me, Ronnie, and pauly just go eat without him.
Get me the [Bleep.]
Out of this house, please.
We took off on Mike.
- Are you kidding me? - Alfredo.
I didn't bring my family with me.
I'm gonna enjoy my meal with my housemates.
This pasta is good, vin, right? Yep.
The fact that he pulled that dirty prank, I don't like that.
I don't wanna be friends with you ever again, 'cause you're a [Bleep.]
Jerk-off.
- Mike, we're leavin'! - Three minutes! We let Mike know three times we were about to leave.
- Go.
Leave him.
- Let's go.
When we say we're leavin', we're leavin'.
Like, "we're leavin' in five minutes," we're leaving in five minutes take us serious.
Know what Gina told me last night? She was like, "yeah, Mike was like, "I know you're Paul's friend and everything, but I'm trying to take you home.
" Yo, look at Mike.
Wow.
- I can take you home with me.
- I'm not like that.
Ah, that's dirty, bro.
I'm really secure, like like, literally, you could spend the whole night with her, but, like, I don't care.
But he asked her to come home.
That's interesting.
Exes, that's like, you don't - Yeah.
- You don't cross that line.
That's been my rule my whole life.
It's like breathing to me, where I wouldn't go near a girl you're [Bleep.]
With.
Some people aren't like that, I guess.
It's funny to see, though.
- We're still going the right way or no? - Yeah, we're going the right way.
We're having such a good time driving to jenks that we don't realize that we passed the freakin' exit, and we've been in the car for like an hour now.
This is way too long.
I think we need to turn around, bro.
So where the [.]
Are we going? We're by woodbridge right now! What if Mike said, "bring these girls home?" [Laughing.]
If that's where you're going, really, turn around.
Can't we just say to turn around? - Hi.
- Where's everyone? - Left.
- They left already? Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty [Bleep.]
Up.
I just pulled a really good prank, and now, somehow, somebody decided to pull a little prank on me and leave without the situation.
That doesn't happen.
What are we gonna do? We need to teach these fools a lesson.
- Feel me? - What are you gonna do? Well, now, I'm going to not talk to any of them.
[Laughs.]
'Cause I wouldn't have done that, right? No.
Maybe it's just 'cause you took too long? - I don't know.
- Well, listen They knew I was coming.
Regardless, you wait for somebody.
- That's just proper - Common courtesy? Proper etiquette and courtesy.
You agree with me.
Don't say nothin' if you agree with me.
- [Chuckles.]
- He agrees with me.
See, you would be so happy if I got with your mother, wouldn't you? [Laughs.]
Are you ready? Let's go get some food.
Is this it? I had a lot of stuff.
[Bleep.]
Stupid car right now.
- That old green car? - Yeah.
[Honks horn.]
- [Dog snarls.]
- No! [Laughing.]
Feast for me.
Pass the bread, please.
Oh, thank you.
The rest of the house left the situation.
But guess what.
I'm gonna sit down right now.
I'm gonna eat my food and enjoy my meal with my housemates.
This pasta's good, vin, right? Yep.
Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me? - Here's your Alfredo.
- That's not even a plate.
- I didn't bring my family with me.
- They just took it by - Chicken paradise.
Oh, my God! Rivoli's knows how to feed people.
They give you dishes that would feed the whole, entire house, just for one person.
Oh, my God, and there's sausage inside this [.]
? This is how much pasta I cooked for Sunday dinner last week.
This is bangin' right now.
Bam! [Humming.]
Hold on, you want some? Nah, I'll eat it.
Mmm, it's good.
So, Ronnie, why you crying all the time? Gotta man up, dog.
A little disappointed in you, pauly.
Bought you a birthday gift.
Always look out for you, dog.
And you bounce.
You cannot have any of my ravioli, Vinny.
You have pink eye! Hey, deena Oh, my bad.
You're in Times Square.
I'm so glad we went out to dinner, guys.
You know what I'm saying? - [Laughing.]
- [Chuckles.]
Ohh, Mike.
[Chuckles.]
I'm leaving my my home right now, my serenity.
To go back into the madness at the Jersey shore.
And I'm thinking to myself, you're ready, you can do this.
I know who you are, Sam.
You're gonna be fine.
Sam.
Hi.
It's not gonna be easy, and we're really Gonna be thinking about you every single day.
'Cause I know it's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be really hard, but I think I prepared myself.
You know that you need to be strong when you get back, because he's gonna try and win you over with, "oh, I'm sorry.
I love you.
" It's crap, and you know it.
So you have to be seriously strong.
Or I will come, and I will have a talk with him.
For sure.
Being home has made me realize a lot.
I think you grow when you actually have some time to yourself.
All right, let me get goin'.
I feel like I learned, myself, as a person, and what my limits are and what I deserve.
You want us to just leave those? - Leave what? - The flowers.
Yeah, leave 'em.
- Have fun tonight.
- I will.
- Bye.
Mwah.
- Oh, there goes my cuca.
Out everywhere.
We're by staten island! - Dude, do you not get it? - Is that New York City? - Yeah, you don't get it.
- Where are we going? - We're so - Where are we going? - Where are we going? - This isn't fair.
We're not even gonna be able to go out to jenks tonight.
We realize Mike just sent team meatballs to the city.
Mike booked this! Mike booked this.
Dude, I will never talk to that [Bleep.]
Kid ever again.
- I swear - No, are we [Bleep.]
There? I swear on a cat's grave that I will never talk to him ever again.
- Cool.
- I am pissed beyond belief! And this is the last straw.
This is [Bleep.]
Up.
I don't even know what's going on.
And this is not funny anymore.
Where does pauly go for his haircut? - The "baba.
" - Hi, Sam.
Mike booked this.
Dude, I will never talk to that [Bleep.]
Kid ever again, I swear.
- Are we almost there? - Is that New York City? Where are we going? Where are we going? Where are we going? And in my search I will find that this place isn't right and I'm stuck for all time Did Mike really just send us to the city? Like, I'm done.
Done with Mike! Yeah, well, [Bleep.]
You, Mike.
We're getting [Bleep.]
Alcohol and we're getting [Bleep.]
Up.
Finally decide to do a u-turn and go back to the house.
When I get in the house, I'm gonna tell Mike, "thank you for getting me out of this [Bleep.]
"[Bleep.]
Hole-smelling house "and bringing me into this car with this lovely man, "and and [Bleep.]
A good time.
And a road trip!" Mike thinks he's gonna get over on the meatballs.
But in reality, baby, the meatballs make the best of every situation.
So go screw yourself, Mike.
Bye! Bye, Mike! - See ya.
- See ya later.
I never ate so much food in my whole, entire life.
- Was it good? - It was amazing.
The boys kind of acted a little cowardly when they got home.
They were putting their heads down and trying to avoid me.
They knew they shouldn't have done it.
But, uh, that's just how, you know, the troop's whack without their general, you know? Wow.
[Loud, long burp.]
[Groans.]
[Burps.]
Ooh.
Every time I eat at rivoli's, I wanna die.
As my stomach feels like it's gonna explode, I don't stop eating.
It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of [Bleep.]
I am.
[Groans softly.]
- Food comas? - Jenni.
- Is he mad? - I think so, yeah.
I think he's just sad.
'Cause he's like, "I let Ronnie cry on my shoulder.
"I bought pauly a bike.
So I don't understand why they just do that to me.
" So I was like I don't know.
Mike's real sour when we get home from dinner.
He's like, "you're supposed to be my boys.
" But what it is, is now he can take us serious.
Like when we say we're leaving, we're leaving.
Here, bro, get into this.
[Clatter.]
- Oh, you guys - There's so much.
You're being nice to me.
You left me, and now you're gonna give me a little bit of fettuccine.
A little bit? There's a lot.
I feel you.
I feel I'm a little pissed at you guys - for bouncing on me today.
- We know.
Yeah, I was like I was pretty pissed.
Heh, I just bought this mother [Bleep.]
A birthday gift for the [Bleep.]
, and then they bounce on me? Honestly, I was pretty [Bleep.]
Up.
I'm mad at the boys, also.
I just don't like Vinny lying to me.
I know you don't.
- Vinny's, like, one of my best friends.
- After that, now he has to bang you.
- He has to.
- He has to.
- To win my friendship back.
- Yeah.
Yeah! I will give you a tip, but I'm still kind of mad at you.
We're havin' a good time! Yaaaay! - We went to New York City.
- [Bleep.]
, thank you, Mike! I had such a good time! When we get back to that house, we run in like we had a blast! Like, yeah, I went to the city! Get off of me! [Bleep.]
You.
You actually made it there, though? Yeah, we went to the city, and we got a drink, - and we clubbed.
- Oh, my God, I had such a So thank you, Mike.
You're an ass [Bleep.]
.
And I don't wanna be friends with you ever again.
'Cause you're a [Bleep.]
Jerk-off.
- Why, I thought you guys - We did, but the fact that he pulled that dirty prank, I don't like that.
It doesn't make sense.
They had a good time, but they're mad at me.
Deena and snooks have just showed again why they defy the law of intelligence.
I really thought you guys were gonna be able to turn around whenever you wanted, for real.
If you guys are upset, I apologize.
It was only a tiny joke, and you guys were supposed to turn around at the turnpike.
- He did it to be mean! - He's an ass [Bleep.]
.
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.
Yeah, he did.
Even though it made me very upset, and I almost had an anxiety attack, at the end of the day, it was a good prank.
We need to get him back somehow.
[Laughing.]
He's mad that we had a good time.
- Yeah, he is.
- [Both laughing.]
How messed up and shady was that? I'm like, "where are we going? Where are we going?" The cab wouldn't tell us where we're going.
I was really sorry.
I had no idea.
And I'm pissed at Vinny and pauly, 'cause they didn't tell me.
- Don't be mad at me.
- [Dog growling.]
No, I'm pissed at you right now.
- Why? - I'm pissed at you and pauly.
- Why? - Because you knew it before I left, and you couldn't tell me.
To the point where me and deena were in the back seat, freaking out, like, "where the [Bleep.]
Are we going?" - I couldn't, though.
- And the cab wouldn't tell us.
I know, but it wasn't my prank.
I figured you and pauly would tell me.
- I'm not a snitch.
- *** To the point where I was about to call my dad and say, "pick me up in the city, 'cause I'm going home.
" It wasn't my idea, and and I had nothing to do with it.
But I would appreciate if you just told me.
Like, that's not funny.
I don't wanna be put in that position where I have to snitch on somebody.
I just stay out of it.
It's not my business.
It was his prank.
I didn't do anything.
If you wanna be mad at me, you can, but there's no reason to.
I just heard that you guys are mad at me.
But I didn't do anything.
- [Laughter.]
- Pauly So I'm mad at you for being mad at me for no reason! So try and talk to me! I'm mad! [Laughter.]
Pissed! [Laughter.]
I wanna know, when did you realize you weren't going to jenks? We saw buildings I thought you guys were gonna realize, though.
Really? Me and [Bleep.]
Deena? - [Laughing.]
Really? - I knew.
- So what are we doing, karma or - I think they wanted to just do karma.
How about we take two separate cabs, and you get your own cab? Cool, I'll go back to the city and I'll stay there.
[Bleep.]
Saturday night.
I'll come with you.
Yeah, I want some Ron, Ron juice.
- No.
- Can I have a glass? No.
Ron, really? - Come on.
- [Bleep.]
.
And all the while you're still taking all your sweet time your heart was missing, and you don't know why it took so long to get here - Where we going tonight? - Karma.
- Karma.
- "Kar-ma.
" - What separates two words in a sentence? - Comma.
[Laughter.]
What does it cal a baby call a bottle? - Baba.
- Baba.
Where does pauly go for his haircut? - The "baba.
" - Hi, Sam.
- Aah! - What the hell? Oh, my God! - Am I dreaming or am I awake? - You look good.
Meatball! [Whirring.]
- Feel better? - Much better.
Sam wants to hang out with the girls, and Ron is just like a little puppy dog chasing after the girl.
I don't wanna, like Smother you.
You do look beautiful, though.
You're sucking up to me.
Ron, it's my first night back.
You could say you're beautiful all you want, but it doesn't change anything.
I wish my head wore a condom.
'Cause I'm getting mind [Bleep.]
.
I'm going into your nasty-ass [Bleep.]
Bathroom, so All: Ohh! - That [Bleep.]
Stinks! - Help! We have an emergency with that toilet.
- It's disgusting.
- Oh, my God! Actually, I would have to say that's a [Bleep.]
.
- I think I like Vinny a lot.
- Uh-oh.
If he brings home a girl, I'm gonna kill myself.
Vinny! Vinny brought a girl home.
I hate you!