Life in Pieces (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

1 JOAN: Okay, dear, I'm off.
In more ways than one.
What? It's lunchtime.
Yeah, remember? I told you I had a thing this afternoon.
Oh, I thought that thing was making my lunch.
You love that.
I do.
But you're gonna have to fend for yourself today.
Joanie, if you leave right now, I will die.
Okay, dear.
Have a good day.
- MATT: What's he doing here? - COLLEEN: I didn't call him.
Did you call him? Okay, you've showed up unannounced and in person.
Who died? - My tailor.
- Oh, God.
That's why only one of my pants legs is the right length.
- Okay.
- But that's not why I'm here.
Your mom was acting suspicious, so I rummaged through her private papers, like I do.
- Dad! - Yeah, I do that.
Now, I found out she's doing a reading of her romantic novel - in one hour.
- Well, why didn't she invite us? Probably because it's inappropriately sexual, and she knew you'd be squeamish and not want to go.
- We don't want to go.
- No.
You remember those stupid things you did as a kid that I didn't go to? Your mother went to those things.
And now, you're gonna go to her stupid thing.
Dr.
Short, I'm Nancy.
Since this book, I've had sex with over 400 men.
Oh, my.
Well, thank you, Nancy, - for fitting this into your very busy schedule.
- Oh.
Oh.
- We're gonna have a good time, I think.
- (LAUGHS) Mom? Mom.
(WHISPERS): You're so famous.
Kids.
You're all here? - Because we love you.
- Well You can always count on us to be at the places you don't invite us to.
But how did you even find out about this? We did some digging, and a few locks were broken, but nothing could stand in the way of supporting the woman I Oh, lunch.
Thank you.
This is nice.
- Joan.
Joan! - Uh, it The audience is aroused and ready.
Shall we begin? Oh, my God, aroused.
Thank you all so much for coming.
- Hurry up and sit down.
I'm sure you're gonna - Oh.
need to hear this.
I have a feeling.
Somebody needs some romance.
Anyway, here she is: the woman who's created the torrid romance between the stuttering drug lord and his older speech therapist, Dr.
Joan Short.
- (CHEERING) - Go, Mom! (APPLAUSE QUIETS) (CAMERA SNAPS) (WOMAN COUGHS) "A migrant" (CLEARS THROAT) "worker" - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) - Oh.
I haven't seen your mom freeze up like this since I invited her to a Seder.
(WHIMPERS) (AUDIENCE MURMURING) - Joanie.
- Oh! What's wrong? You having an anxiety attack? No.
I'm having a family attack.
Honey, I can't read this in front of my family.
Why wouldn't you want us? I mean, Tim, I understand.
But the rest of us No.
The best way you can be here for me is-is not to be here.
Okay, so where should I be? You'll figure it out.
COLLEEN: So, if you're interested in historical erotica, be sure to check out our children's book, - The Chicken Who Could Chew.
- (DOOR BELLS JINGLE) - All Shorts, get out.
- What? You're ruining your mother's special day.
She doesn't want you here.
Get out.
Beat it.
(CLAPS HANDS) Come on.
We're going, we're going.
To be clear, you dragged us out of the house and told us that we were bad children for not wanting to go to an event that Mom didn't want us at, and now we're bad children for going.
Thanks for the summary.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
"I covered his lips with mine.
"Suddenly, he lifted me, "and he lay me slowly on the warm earth.
("LET'S GET IT ON" BY MARVIN GAYE PLAYS) "He held my hands above my head.
"And with his teeth, he undressed me.
'Be still, ' "he whispered.
"'Don't move.
' - "I said, 'I love you, ' - Okay.
- as he ravaged me" - Oh, no.
- I have to go.
- "over and over and over, "and over and over and over and over (COUGHS, GAGS) and still, I wanted more.
" Let's get it on.
"In front of Piggy, Horse and Sheep, "and the Cow who liked to moo, "Chicken chewed his food till there was no food left to chew.
" Boring.
Oh, if our book is so boring, how come my mom bought 20 copies? Ignore Lark and her nothing personality.
When you guys have a baby, they'll love the book you wrote.
Why do you assume we want to have a baby? Not everyone wants to have a baby.
Like, do you want to have a baby? - I don't think so.
- Okay Being weirdly defensive really isn't your thing.
- That's Uncle Greg's thing.
- GREG: What?! I'm not defensive, you're defensive ask anyone.
We're sorry, Sophia.
We're just getting really tired of everyone asking us - when we're gonna have a baby.
- Mm-hmm.
So then just have one.
It's easy, especially with your hips.
(FORCED LAUGH) It's not that easy.
What do you mean? (SIGHS) Well you've heard the story of The Chicken Who Can Chew.
Have you ever heard the story of The Chicken and The Egg? I only read things about female empowerment.
- Of course.
- Okay.
Well, once upon a time in a red barn with white curtains, the finest chicken on the farm, named Chickaleen, was marrying the handsome rooster, Matt-A-Doodle-Do.
COLLEEN: Everyone was there, except for any member - of Chickaleen's family.
- (WIND BLOWING) Well, Uncle Tumbleweed came, but he didn't stay.
MATT: There was John and Joan, the Sheepdogs.
John, honey, stop licking yourself there.
You know they won't come back.
I'm just amazed I can reach 'em.
MATT: There was Heather, the Stay-At-Home Goose, and all three of her lambs and her husband, Tim the Tractor.
Really? If you're gonna make me a tractor, can you at least give me some hair? Cool, a comb-over! I feel like I'm 18 again.
COLLEEN: Also, there was Jen the Fox Mah.
Meh? I don't know what sound a fox makes.
COLLEEN: And her husband, Greg the Defensive Duck.
I only sound defensive because you can't say, "I'm not defensive" without sounding defensive.
Just finish the ceremony.
I now pronounce you chicken and rooster.
(CHEERING) TIM THE TRACTOR: I give it six months.
But that's actually a really long time for chickens.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING) - (GASPS) - Uh-oh.
(SCREAMS) Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
COLLEEN: Despite Chickaleen's multiple fractures, the lovebirds wanted nothing more than to start a family of their own.
Honey, let's make an egg.
Are those real or hormone injected? MATT: So, they tried to make an egg.
And when it didn't happen the first time, they tried some more.
COLLEEN: They even tried some stuff they knew wouldn't make an egg, but they had to keep it fresh.
(MATT-A-DOODLE-DOO COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOS) (WHIP CRACKS) MATT: But, eventually, what used to be fun began to feel like a job.
- Morning.
- Morning.
(CLUCKS) See you Monday.
See you Monday.
MATT: But, still, they couldn't make an egg.
Honey, it's okay.
If it's meant to be, it'll be.
There's no pressure.
COLLEEN: But there was pressure, and it came from other animals on the farm.
Without kids, the search for life's meaning is one big wild me chase.
- I'm a goose.
- (CHICKALEEN AND MATT-A-DOODLE-DOO SIGH) My friend the cat couldn't have babies, and now she just has a bunch of cats.
It's very confusing.
You don't even have to have an egg for you.
- You do it to make your mom happy.
- Seriously? I mean, what's the point of having eight nipples if you're not going to use them? Yeah, what's taking you guys so long? My daughter has three kids with a tractor.
TIM THE TRACTOR: We used to have more, but these tractors don't have backup cameras.
CHICKALEEN: Dr.
Hootstein, why can't we make an egg? I mean, I went off all of my antidepressants, and it's not going great.
(CRYING) What?! "Owl" need to run more tests, but (MOUSE SQUEAKS) I'm ready for my Pap smear.
Excuse me.
(CHOMPING) (BURPS) Now, where was I? Oh, yes.
See, the sad truth is, some couples just aren't able to have an egg.
But you have options, like IVF, which can be difficult and heartbreaking.
And even then, there's no guarantee.
(SQUEAKS) Excuse me, Dr.
Hootstein, have you seen my wife? (GULPS) No.
Is he gone? COLLEEN: After a long walk back to the barn, Chickaleen and Matt-A-Doodle-Do decided they didn't want to go through all that and risk still having their hearts broken.
The end.
"The end"? The end.
But that's so sad.
It's not sad, it's just reality.
Which is sad.
But they're okay with it.
I mean, Chickaleen still cries sometimes when she's alone.
You do? I didn't know that.
Just a little.
Like any time I see a baby.
(VOICE BREAKING): Or a family.
Or right now.
Oh, honey, we said we were gonna stop trying because we didn't want to have our hearts broken, but if our hearts are broken anyway, then what's the point? Your heart's broken, too? Of course it is.
I mean, once I stopped panicking because we were gonna have a family, I started panicking because we weren't gonna have one.
Matt, if you feel this way, too, then I say we just go for it.
No matter what it takes.
Okay.
Okay? - Yeah.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Okay, you don't need tongues to make a baby.
I know that much.
Carla, huh? That's a lot of clip art for a nursing résumé.
I say pass.
(SIGHS) Okay.
(SCOFFS) Come on.
This one took 19 years to finish nursing school.
Uh-uh.
Now, just stay out of it.
All right, this is my nurse.
I will make the decision.
You don't want my help? No! I don't.
You make all of our decisions.
I never get to make any.
Yeah, Tim, because I am really awesome at making decisions.
Hey, just ask that pillow that you're laying on, which you said is exactly like sleeping on a boob.
Well, these are not pillows or boobs, okay.
This is my kingdom.
Who do you want? I am going to hire Mindy.
- That's right.
- You sure you want to hire Mindy? Yes.
Mindy.
No, wait, no, no, no.
No, not Mindy.
Cindy! I said Cindy.
- Cindy.
Cindy.
- See? Cindy.
You want to know what I think about Cindy? - Nope.
- No? 'Cause I already know everything about Cindy.
Cindy is yay tall, Polynesian, short black hair, Looney Tunes scrubs.
Cindy.
My gal.
Love her.
I am so excited about working here.
Thank you for this opportunity.
You're Cindy? You're not Cindy.
Good one, Dr.
Hughes.
I knew you were funny when we first met.
Especially when you pretended to fall asleep during my interview.
- So we have met before? - Yes.
- And you looked exactly like you do now? - Yeah.
As I told you in my interview, magic is my hobby, but I wouldn't trick you on my first day.
Or would I? Ah! - Uh, I don't know.
- Mm.
- Okay.
Well, hey, welcome.
- All right - It's good to have you, Cindy.
- Yep.
That's you.
You're Cindy.
Heather, you screwed me up! I hired Cindy, and I meant to hire Mindy! Oh, Cindy was my favorite.
She's fantastic.
She does magic.
No, she's awful! I-I wrote a prescription, and she ripped it into a million pieces, and then she made it go back together by blowing on it, and that is unsanitary.
That's fun.
You love magic.
Not anymore, I don't.
Look, you should not have been meddling in my decision.
Now, I've hired this girl, and I'm stuck with her.
She's gonna be great, just like every other decision that I've made.
You know what, ask that underwear I bought you that you said is like not wearing underwear.
I can't ask underwear, Heather.
It can't talk.
Unlike the pair I wanted to buy.
Not so fast, Doc.
I went ahead and updated these files, so they're all up to the minute.
And Mr.
Kotkin has been weighed and measured.
So am I actually ahead of schedule today? You are.
You can take an early lunch.
- Heh.
- As long as you have money for the cafe.
- Chocolate? - Yeah.
That's even better than real money! Oh, I can do it with noses and throats, too.
Well, you keep this up, and I'll be pulling a raise out of your ear.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Oh, stop.
Ah, great to see you, Mike.
We'll, uh, call in that prescription, and Cindy will get you your samples.
Already got 'em.
Here you go, Mr.
Kotkin.
- Wow.
- So, I'll just validate your parking, and you'll be good to go.
Okay.
Ooh, you're gonna love this.
- Kind of need that.
- Bah! TIM: Oh.
I thought you were gonna make it go back together again.
- Back together like this? - (SHRIEKS) - Ha! Are you - (LAUGHS) That is why I very purposefully hired this specific Cindy.
Oh.
Thank you.
Mm.
- No orange? - Hey, honey.
I'm here.
I was able to make a decision about where to park my car.
And I also managed to draw a big wiener on yours.
- Thank you.
Look I, um - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I asked you to come in because I want to take you out to dinner.
You were right, and I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what's that? - I said, you were right.
- Right - I'm sorry.
Cindy is great.
She's the perfect nurse, and you knew it all along.
So I need to start including you in my decisions, because you make good ones.
Like naming our daughter Sophia instead of what I wanted to name her Pantera.
Thank you.
And I'm going to make sure to wait until you ask me before I meddle in your business uninvited.
Hey.
All right.
Thanks.
- TIM: Oh, Cindy.
- HEATHER: Oh! This is my wife, Heather, the other woman in my life who makes me wash my hands.
Oh, Cindy, it is so great to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- We're off to dinner, - so I'm gonna go put on my eating pants.
- Okay.
I knew you were gonna be great.
You were my first choice.
Oh, what do you mean? Tim you know, funny story He actually meant to hire someone else.
- (CHUCKLES) - He did? I mean, that-that's the funny part.
He-he hired you accidentally, but now, I mean, here you are, and he couldn't be happier.
Right? I mean, isn't it fantastic to (STAMMERS) What are you doing, Cindy? Quitting.
Why? I don't want to work for a boss who didn't want to hire me in the first place.
You can tell your husband that my resignation letter will be inside one of the oranges in the break room.
How do you get the letter in the orange? A magician never tells.
(QUIETLY): No.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Hey, babe, what do you think if we invite Cindy? Wha Where is Cindy? (GASPS) Did she do her disappearing act? Yeah.
Sure.
Could you, um, grab me an orange from the break room? If there's one that's just, like, right on top of the pile, just I want to put it in my purse.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) LARK: Mommy! No.
I heard "Dad.
" This stupid dog.
Every morning.
Where does that thing even live? (GROANS) In our nightmares.
Must be the new neighbors.
You want to go over there and find out? Mm? Yeah, sure, I'll-I'll deal with the neighbors, and you can take Lark.
(SIGHS) Well, come on, Jen, what are you doing? (GROGGILY): I'm meeting the new neighbors.
Hi! - Hi.
- Uh, we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
We're the Shorts, from over there.
Jen and Greg.
Oh! Hi! Oh! Well, nice to meet you, the Shorts.
- We are the Longs.
- Oh.
Just kidding.
That would be ridiculous.
No.
We're the Jazzelroys.
I'm Finn.
This is Dianna.
We don't have children.
But, you know, by choice.
Cool.
Uh, we brought you these.
(CHUCKLES) Mmm.
Jen, I am freaking out.
These are so good.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, you want to know the secret? They're store-bought, and then I covered them in plastic wrap.
- (LAUGHING) - Yeah.
It's a lot of work.
Yeah, uh, be careful though.
'Cause they're chocolate.
And, you know, if a dog will eat it, - the dog will then die, so - (FINN CLEARS THROAT) You guys don't have a dog, do you? - (QUIETLY): Very smooth.
- Thank you.
- No.
- No.
But, sometimes it feels like we do because of that annoying dog nearby.
The barking one.
Yes! You know of it? Know of it? I hate of it! It's driving us insane.
Us, too.
You know, it's really interfering with our binge-watching.
Right now, I'm really into this show about people who regret their nose jobs.
A Little Off the Nose? - Yes! - Yeah.
I love that show! Um, what are you guys doing on Saturday? Finn has this thing - where he gets really into hobbies - Yes.
and then, like, loses interest.
But right now, he's all about smoking meats.
Um, Greg is fly-fishing in the morning, - but I think we're free after that.
- Well-well, that no, that was, that was last week.
- Oh.
- This week was gonna be about raising awareness about the dangers of fly-fishing.
- But who cares? - Right.
Then we'll rub the pork butt tonight, and then we'll slaughter that pig tomorrow.
- (DIANNA LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
You know, that's very funny.
I-I have made that exact same joke before.
Yeah.
More than once.
Yeah.
- Oh, no, I'm so stuffed.
- Mm.
Mm-mm.
I don't think I can eat another bite.
Don't worry, we always wrap up the extras and take it to the shelter.
Oh.
Yeah, we do the same thing, except throw it away.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) - Eh.
- GREG: Yeah.
(DOG BARKING) - God! - There it is again.
You know, we found out it lives in the house on the other side of us.
- The other side.
- The other side.
It's always the last place you look.
Well, okay, this may just be the tequila talking, but, Finn, what do you say you and I go over there and we just, you know, handle the situation, huh? Oh.
Okay.
I'll just say this.
When the tequila talks to me, - someone's not happy.
- (ALL LAUGH) Head over the toilet.
(GROANS) Uh, I'm down with this, I totally support it.
You guys go confront that, and we will stay here and confront - the rest of this, uh, vino blanco.
- Ah.
- Cheers.
- Ah.
Do you mind if I take lead on this? I'm kind of a people person.
Hey, you're the captain.
I'm just a stowaway on this boat.
(DOG BARKING) WOMAN: Quiet down, Lilac.
- Oh.
- Oh, hello there, ma'am.
I hope you're having a blessed day Listen up, bitch! If you don't shut your freaking dog up, then we're gonna shut it up forever! But my Lilac is a, is a seizure alert dog.
Well, Lilac is gonna alert you when she's dead.
If that dog barks one more time, we will tear it apart! Can you hear me? I think that went good.
We're a good team.
- Also, such a sweet lady.
- Uh-huh.
God, your hair smells awesome.
Is that coconut? (LAUGHS) Thank you so much.
And we cannot wait to go to your ski house.
- Oh.
- Oh, it just so you know though, it's a ski-in, ski-out.
Ski-in, ski-out! But I hope you're not allergic to hot tubs.
- (GASPS, LAUGHS) - Thank you.
Well, don't you want to tell them - about the-the snowboard you made? - Oh.
It-it's just some, just some old plywood, really.
It's a whatever.
Brother, I would love to see that snowboard.
You can have it.
Okay.
Bye.
Greg, what is wrong with you? Jen, that guy's a lunatic.
He threatened to kill that old lady's dog.
Okay, well, let's not overreact until we see how nice their ski house is.
What? Come on, they give to a homeless shelter.
Doesn't that balance things out? - No.
- It's ski-in, ski-out, Greg.
I want to feel the wind in my hair.
- Hi.
Hi oh! One second, please.
- (GASPS) I had no idea our neighbor was gonna say those things.
I am so sorry.
Yeah, so, uh I got these for you.
FINN: Hey, Greg.
What you doing over there? Uh I was just, uh giving the old lady some flowers for her funeral.
Telling her, if things don't change around here, you know You're not, uh lying to me, are you, Greg? I'm not lying.
I am not lying to you.
No.
Absolutely n-no.
I what's that, Jen? I-I'll be right home! Got to All right, see you, bud.
Tell Jen hi for me.
Uh-huh.