Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e09 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
How are we supposed to move this thing?
Do we grab it by the headlights?
Or the bumper?
Don't ask me.
I've never picked up a woman before.
What are you tontos doing,
waiting for her to make the first move?
You just put your hands on
Mm?
No.
All right, you just grab on to
yeah.
OK. [CLEARS THROAT] Here we go.
[GRUNTS] I got you, baby.
Looking good, George.
[LAUGHTER]
I wasn't gonna say it.
Boys, boys, please.
Ba-boom, ba, ba-boom, ba ♪
Ba-boom, ba ♪
[KEYS JINGLE]
Ba-ba-boom, ba, ba-boom, ba ♪
Ah, ah, yeah.
Is that a security camera right there?
Hey.
It was a security camera.
That's why the client, Karina, fired us
and posted a bad review.
It's the first thing on Yelp.
Two people called this morning
to cancel upcoming moves.
I just posted a response.
"No one is above
the Lop-EZ code of conduct,
"not even Mr. Lop-EZ himself.
He's been suspended and will
undergo sensitivity training."
What does that mean?
You hide for a week until
we're not embarrassed of you.
What?
Well, less embarrassed of you.
Just hide for a week.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
[METALLIC RATTLE]
[METALLIC RATTLE]
Ha!
Are we writing on walls now?
Because if so, this opens up
a whole new world of possibilities.
No, I'm trying to track down the rattle
coming from the pipes.
Once you track it down,
what are you gonna do?
I haven't gotten that far yet.
[METALLIC RATTLE]
[CHUCKLES]
I hope whatever he has isn't genetic.
I'm here, and I'm pissed.
It's hard enough getting over Josué
without seeing his cheating face
plastered on my windshield.
Mom, did you hit him with your car?
No.
I found this flyer under my wiper.
Oh.
Well, I got some news
that'll make you feel better.
I called the client
with the statue Dad tried to
[WHISTLES]
No, it's more like [WHISTLES AIRILY]
She said that she would
give us a second chance,
and if we do a good job,
she'll remove her bad review.
Oh, that's great news,
but my schedule is packed.
I'm gonna have to move some stuff around
so that I can be there to supervise.
No need. I can manage the job.
[LAUGHS]
Why are you laughing?
Because you made a joke.
No, I didn't.
[LAUGHS]
Stop.
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
Well, you don't have
enough experience to manage.
Every time you do a move,
your dad is there.
I've been at the company five months
six if you count next month.
And without a promotion,
how am I ever going
to afford a second child?
Second child?
Mm-hmm.
Especially a girl child.
A girl child?
Mm-hmm.
I've given this some thought.
Mayan, why don't you take
the reins on this one?
If you insist.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Thanks for agreeing to help
me fix the rattle in the wall
and for letting me walk next to you
instead of five feet behind you.
[CHUCKLES]
Mayan and Rosie won't let me
work, so it's either you
or back to the bottle.
I mean, you could go to an AA meeting.
Damn it, why didn't I think of that?
Should we be shopping
in this expensive store?
We're not shopping. We're looking.
What, you never go to the butcher shop
and stare at steaks you can't afford?
No, because I'm not a cartoon dog.
Mm.
Oh.
$80? It's just a wrench.
Au contraire, mon square.
This is hand-forged by Buddhist monks
from the finest Japanese steel
in the shadow of Mount Fuji.
My wrench went missing.
I wish I could replace it
with a beaut like this.
Can I help you find something?
Perhaps the door?
I'm interested in this wrench.
I don't think we have anything for you.
You're obviously in the wrong place.
Perhaps you should try OSH.
Perhaps you should kiss my butt.
That would have been a lot more clever
if you'd said kiss my OSH.
Or kiss my ACE.
- [LAUGHS]
- Right?
Damn it!
♪
Sobriety is tough enough,
but I'm so desperate
to distract myself from drinking
that I have agreed to spend time
with Quinten.
All right, everyone, 2:00,
time for the next meeting.
So out, please.
- [GASPS]
- No way!
Josué.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Josué, you scumbag.
What are you doing here?
Same reason as you.
To stuff your pockets with doughnuts?
No, I'm in a 12-step program
Sex Addicts Anonymous.
You mean everybody that's
in here is addicted to
[WHISTLES AIRILY]
I didn't know you were an addict.
I thought you were just a jerk.
I'm on step nine, making amends.
So I'm sorry for everything
I put your family through, George.
And I would like
to make amends to Rosie,
when she's ready to hear them.
Mm.
Took ten years before she
was ready to forgive me,
so I can relate.
I mean I mean, you're still a jerk,
but I'm glad that you're
getting some help.
Yeah, me too.
Other than these meetings,
I don't leave my house
because I'm afraid if I do,
some woman will throw herself at me.
I can relate to that too.
A client even gave me
tickets to the Lakers,
but I'm afraid if I go,
I'll end up in bed
with a Laker Girl again.
These are courtside seats.
Uh, I don't suppose you would
consider going with me?
I I don't think I can do that.
Well, think of it as one addict
helping another one stay clean.
- I could do that.
- Oh.
One game and never again after that.
Mm.
Because us hanging out would be
un escándalo.
♪
Thank you for giving
Lop-EZ a second chance.
We will handle your stuff with care.
And consent.
Great, but where's
your horny crew of perverts?
Well, the main pervert
has been suspended,
and the others are
Late?
No, no.
They're just finishing up
their harassment seminar,
Say Nope to Grope.
Oscar, Momo,
where the hell are you guys?
They're not coming.
Mom, what are you doing here?
What do you mean they're not coming?
I noticed you paid them last night.
I don't jerk them around
and wait till Monday like Dad does.
Your father doesn't jerk them around.
OK, he does.
But he also holds on
to their checks on purpose.
If they get their money Friday night,
they use it to get drunk.
Oh, when Oscar wasn't asleep
in the truck this morning,
I just assumed
he got up early to shower.
OK. Well, don't worry.
Till Oscar and Momo recover
from their hangovers,
you've got me.
OK, I will accept your help
on one condition
I'm in charge.
Absolutely.
I am not here as a manager.
I'm here as a mover.
Oh!
Oop.
Mom, are you OK?
No, I haven't worn flats
since I was four.
Oh!
♪
I think we finally got
that rattle under control.
[METALLIC RATTLE]
No!
Isn't Grandpa supposed
to be working on this with you?
No, he decided it would be
a good test of my self-reliance
to work on this myself.
He ghosted you?
No.
Grandpa's just challenging me
to do this myself
because he doesn't think
that I can handle "man stuff."
[METALLIC RATTLE]
But I'll show him.
[METALLIC RATTLE]
[HAMMER THUDDING]
[SPUTTERING]
Ah! Por qué?
Ah!
♪
I had a great time last night.
- Me too.
- [LAUGHS]
I shook LeBron's giant hand.
I haven't washed my hand since.
Ah. Doughnut?
- I'm good.
- Ah.
I mean, the game was great,
but the best part was,
I didn't go home with a beautiful woman.
And in an act of solidarity,
neither did I.
Thank you.
George, I know the game
was supposed to be
a one-time thing, but
well, I would like to see you again.
Whoa, I mean,
as much as I would like to,
it would hurt Rosie.
And we both already hurt her enough.
I understand.
I guess I'll just have to cancel
the week I had planned, yeah.
Dinner at a Michelin-star
hot dog restaurant,
a swimsuit fashion show,
and the premiere
of "Fast and Furious 15:
Slightly Faster."
Are you trying
to seduce me with weenies,
bikinis, and Lamborghinis?
This is like "Pretty Woman."
No.
Julia Roberts' hair
has nothing on yours.
Oh!
Oh, and as a thank-you for last night
- Uh-huh.
- I got you a little something.
- [BOX CREAKS OPEN]
- [GASPS]
The fancy Japanese monk wrench.
[GIGGLES]
But I can't.
I mean, clearly you're trying
to buy my companionship.
I mean, maybe so,
but I'm at the beginning
of my recovery, and I need you, George.
Because of my addiction,
I never really made
any male friends.
I mean, it is nice to spend time
with someone who knows what
it's like to be in recovery.
Hmm.
[SIGHS]
OK.
One week, you handsome bastard.
But my family can't find out,
because if they did,
- that would be
- I know an escándalo.
- Wow, you do that really good.
- Oh.
- Escándalo!
- Oh!
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
See, I told you I was here to help,
not micromanage everything.
You told me I was
chewing my lunch wrong.
That's not work-related.
Well, I really appreciate your help.
And look, with my management,
we got everything packed up.
Uh, there's one more thing
we still have to move.
Yeah.
And because I know what I'm doing,
we'll use the hand truck.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ooh.
OK, um, try shimmying
the hips back and forth.
Well, I don't see
how that's gonna help, but
The statue, Shakira.
I know.
You want to manage something,
try managing to have a sense of humor.
Oh.
Everything is packed up and out of here,
just as promised.
No, you promised to have
everything done by 4:00.
It's 5:30.
I don't know if you know math,
but that's, like, three hours late.
Oh, don't worry.
No charge for the extra time.
[SIGHS]
Wait, what are you doing?
Writing another review.
"Lop-EZ Movers have failed again."
We completed your move,
so now it is time
Mom, I got this.
I'm sorry you weren't
completely satisfied.
How about 20% off?
How about 100% off,
or I put you out of business?
Mommy?
I'm right here, baby.
How about 0% off, you scam artist?
Heh-heh. She didn't mean scam artist.
She meant talented artist who
clearly loves the female form.
Sculpt on, sister.
I looked you up, and all you do is write
bad reviews to get free stuff.
Well, that scam is not
going to work on us.
Lop-EZ movers was founded
by a trailblazer
who was scamming
long before you were born.
Pay us in full,
or I'm going to go online
and post a low-angle,
bad-lighting picture of you.
[SCOFFS] OK, you're, like,
never gonna find that.
[CAMERA CLICKS] Oh!
OK, so, like, you can't post that.
Oh, we can.
Without the Paris filter.
[GASPS]
Then we are going to unload the truck
and put all your junk
and that hoochie statue
out on the curb where she belongs.
That is a sculpture of me.
I said what I said.
Fine, I'll get cash.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Pretty Georgie ♪
Si fueras de mí ♪
Pretty Georgie ♪
Me harías tan feliz ♪
Pretty Georgie ♪
Y que este sueño que sentí ♪
Se me hicieria realidad ♪
Georgie ♪
Pretty Georgie ♪
Georgie, another hardware store?
We already shopped at five others.
I'm just here to make a point.
Hi.
Do you remember me?
Yes.
I'll tell you who I am.
I was in here yesterday.
You work on commission, right?
No, I'm on an hourly wage.
Whatever.
We just went shopping at every
hardware boutique in town
The Wrench Connection,
Screwy Vuitton, Le Tool.
I don't care.
Big mistake.
Big.
Huge.
$200 for a hammer?
Do you mind?
I'm having my "Pretty Woman" moment.
- George?
- Quinten.
Josué?
[GASPS] Escándalo!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Quinten, what are you doing here?
I couldn't get anybody at Home Depot
to make eye contact with me.
What are you doing here with him?
It's not what it looks like.
I'm only with George
because I'm addicted to sex.
And I'm gonna go now.
So you blew me off
to sneak around with Josué?
We weren't sneaking around.
We were driving around in his Maserati.
And now I need a ride home
in your stupid Prius.
George, this is serious.
Why are you hanging out
with that son of a mother?
Language!
We're in the Ball & Peen.
We met at a 12-step program.
Mayan and Rosie are gonna be furious
when they find out you've been
spending time with him.
The last thing I want
to do is to hurt them,
but Josué has no one.
I've been there,
and I know it feels impossible
without a support system.
I just did this to help a fellow addict.
What are all these bags?
That's not important.
What's important is that you
don't tell Mayan and Rosie.
I I'm gonna have to think about that.
I always tell Mayan everything.
Well, you're about to get married,
so you better get over that real quick.
♪
You're OK. You're OK.
My feet are killing me.
[GRUNTS]
Whew, that's so much better.
Thank you for your help today, Mom.
I didn't even think to look up
Karina's other reviews.
[SIGHS] I guess I don't know
as much about running
a business as I thought.
Oh, I get it.
When I started my insurance company,
I didn't have any help,
so I had to learn from my mistakes.
You made mistakes?
I know it sounds crazy, but yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
But you have your father,
and you have me.
Keep learning from us, and one day
when you take over the company,
you're going to be
an incredible manager.
You think I can take over
the company someday?
I don't think. I know.
I mean, you're the one
that got the client
to give us a second chance.
I mean, sure, she was scamming you,
but baby steps.
Thanks, Mom.
Aw.
And in the meantime,
you can work on your chewing
to make it less horsey.
[DULL THUMPING]
[HAMMER BANGING]
Hey, did you find the source
of the rattle oh, my God!
No, but I must be getting close.
- There's not much wall left.
- Yeah.
I am sorry.
I really screwed this up.
Hey, it's not your fault.
My dad was supposed
to be here helping you.
Do you know where he was all day?
Well, it's, um
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Funny story.
There were [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
Hi.
Why are you guys together?
You're not talking, are you?
Yes, we are.
And I can't believe
that you turned your back
on this family, and look
at all the damage you caused.
You told her I was
hanging out with Josué?
What?
I didn't, but you just did.
You were hanging out with Josué?
[METALLIC RATTLE]
[METALLIC RATTLE]
My old socket wrench!
Churro was making
the rattling sound all along?
See? Everything worked out in the end.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Pretty Georgie ♪