Mad About You s03e09 Episode Script

(PAUL HUMMING) * Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump * Into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! JAMIE: Wow! PAUL: Boy! Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm saying.
(PANTING) Hello, Cleveland.
That was Yes, it was.
Incredible, amazing.
Phenomenal.
We were like an Italian couple.
You are a perfect, perfect man.
Well, I couldn't have done it without you.
Well, I could, but what's the point? You know what? We still got it.
What? Yes, we do.
We certainly do.
What did you think? We lost it? No, why would I think we lost it? Oh, I don't know.
You said "we still got it" like it's news, like you thought we'd lost it.
No, I didn't think we'd lost it.
Why, did you think we lost it? Me? Hey, I'm the one telling you that there's no reason to say "we still got it.
" Why are you being so adamant? I'm not adamant.
I'm curious.
Curiously adamant.
I mean, hasn't it been usually pretty Yes, it has.
'Cause if it hasn't been It has.
All right.
You throw around a remark like "we still got it" Still got it and never lost it.
Okay.
What does that mean? "Okay"? It means "Okay.
" "O," then a little "K.
" Is this because of my hair? Is what because of your hair? The times that it's crummy.
Oh, now it's crummy? Because it will grow out.
Hey.
"Crummy" is not good.
I told Darrell "not too liony.
" What, is it because of the five pounds? It's, like, so liony.
The five pounds? It's five pounds.
I'm going to lose it like that.
You give him exact instructions, he does whatever he wants anyway.
Hey, I love having sex with you.
So you didn't like the meat loaf.
What? Well, last night you said you loved the meat loaf.
Now you're saying you love having sex with me.
Yeah, so? Well, we know you didn't love having sex with me.
Apparently you hated the meat loaf.
I had great affection for the meat loaf.
You're the one who used the word crummy.
You said it's crummy.
I love having sex with you.
I love having sex with you.
Explain that.
I can't.
Why not? I'm going to have an aneurysm.
(SIGHS) Did you love it in Aruba? You know I did.
You said you did.
Well, so did you.
I loved it in Aruba.
So did I.
"Love" love or "meat loaf" love? I'm not the one that meat loaf loves.
I loved it in Aruba.
I got to get up.
I got a meeting with Ira, three clients to avoid, and classes all day.
Well, I got to get to the editing room anyway.
Well, terrific.
Boy, am I hungry.
Oh, there's news.
Hey, your hair looks funny.
Hey.
Hey, what? Hey, what what? Are you looking at my hair? No.
Because it will grow out.
I'm sure it will.
Where are you going? I'm just going to grab something to eat, okay? Sure, I feed all my clients.
Maybe afterwards, I'll give you a little bath.
What? Can we get down to business, please? Sure.
Fine.
So, are you going to make me rich today? Buchman bucks.
Huh? Okay.
For every $10 a customer spends at Buchman's, we give him a Buchman buck toward his next purchase.
Is that me? No.
That's George Washington.
The guy he's playing catch with is you.
Hey, I love this idea.
All right, if you think it's crummy, just say so.
Crummy? Who said "crummy"? I love it.
It's good.
It's smart.
It'll get people into the store.
Look, I can't be great every time.
What's the matter with you? I love the idea.
You're a genius.
Well, I'm doing my best.
And by the way, this meat loaf is delicious.
Oh, don't patronize me.
MAN ON TAPE: Follow these few tips, and your new Japanese garden is sure to give you oodles of pleasure for years to come.
You think the "oodles" works? It's fine.
What kind of grown human person uses the word "oodles"? It's fine.
Really? I think it's the best film about how to make a Japanese garden I ever saw in my life.
And you're comparing it to Nothing.
You wouldn't be faking that enthusiasm, now, would you, Sid? Nope.
Really? Never faked it in my life.
Because if you're not satisfied, I want you to tell me.
You know? Anybody's not satisfied, you tell me.
Then, that way, it'll just make me be a little better next time.
Then we can both enjoy it a little more.
Is something on your mind? No, no, no.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay.
Nothing that needs to be discussed.
Moving on.
All right.
Hey, Paulie, your stuff finally came in to the store.
Oh, this is the This is the diet stuff? Yeah, six weeks' worth right there.
Hey, Sid.
Yeah.
So this is it? What, I take one of these with breakfast and one with lunch? No "with.
" That is your breakfast and lunch.
What if I have half of one of these and, like, a little sandwich? Come on, Paul, you're gonna love it.
It's supposed to give you stamina.
What, you think I need stamina? What, everybody needs stamina.
Somebody say something to you or something? What's the matter with you? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
And what the hell is wrong with your wife? Did she say something to you or something? She practically took my head off this morning.
Is she mad at me? Oh.
No, no, no.
Well, she's sure mad at somebody.
Yeah, well Lisa? No.
Fran? You? Fran.
Really? Yes, Fran.
What happened? She You know, actually, I don't want to talk about it.
I mean, Paulie, I haven't seen her this cranky since you guys got back from Aruba.
She loved Aruba.
No I'm just saying (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello.
PAUL: Hey.
Hi.
How you doing? Fine.
Really? Yeah.
How are you doing? Good.
Really? Yeah.
Listen, I thought maybe I'd swing by, pick you up, and you and I go out and have a nice dinner.
Uh, great.
Or we could not do that at all.
I made manicotti.
Love manicotti.
Okay.
Forget it.
Never mind.
Wha-wha-wha-what? I just thought we'd want to stay in.
I'll stay in.
I just I just thought maybe we'd want to go out.
Oh, I don't wanna go out.
Why? Do you want to go out? I I'll say this I don't want to not stay in.
Well, I don't want to not go out.
Okay, you know what? I take it back.
What? The whole conversation.
Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey, how you doing? Hey.
I'm doing good.
We hurry, we can make the 7:20 at the Waverly.
Two seconds.
I'm out of here.
Congratulations.
They liked it? They loved it.
They loved it? They loved it.
A couple little changes, but they loved it.
Hello, Mark.
Ira.
Sorry, Doctor.
What kind of changes? Minor.
Instead of a horse, it's a car.
All right.
That's okay.
And instead of Yankee Stadium, it's Grant's Tomb.
I can see that.
Yeah, and instead of Don Mattingly, it's Chita Rivera.
They loved it? They loved it.
Look, Mr.
Ganz.
I told them you'd put it together and fax it over there tonight.
Mr.
Ganz.
Congratulations.
Oh, and try to work in the mayor.
You want me to go hit him? Only till he's dead.
Like you don't have enough on your mind right now, huh? Like what? You know, like the whole Jamie thing.
What Jamie thing? It's okay.
Paulie told me.
Told you what? You know, that Jamie's mad at you.
Jamie's not mad at me.
Look, if you don't want to talk about it What's she mad about? You don't know? I didn't even know she was mad at me.
Well, she is.
Paul said that? That's what he said.
Huh.
You know, come to think of it, the other night, I dropped her off and I said "See ya later," And she said "Yeah," just like that.
"Yeah.
" What did I do? So So Mmm.
I thought you liked that.
I do.
No, 'cause you "mmm"ed.
Mmm, good.
Oh.
Hmm.
Hmm? Mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
What? I didn't say anything.
Okay.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) Did you turn the machine on? No.
Did you? They'll call back.
(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING) You know what? A little distracting, I got to say.
Hello.
FRAN: Hey, it's me.
I can't talk to you right now.
But why? Because I just can't talk to you now.
But wait, I got She hung up on me.
I told you.
What did I do? Come on, she must have said something.
You're really paying? What did I do? Yeah, have you decided? Yeah.
I'll have, um The fried chicken with the split pea soup Okay.
So, what did a garden salad, the calamari, and curly fries.
Okay.
What did I do? And do you still have those little bite-size turkey-burger appetizers? Oh, you must mean those little bite-size turkey-burger appetizers.
I mean, she And some bread when you have a minute.
Okay.
And for you? Just coffee.
Okay.
There's a minimum.
Per person or per table? Right.
Okay.
And for you? It's me.
Hello.
Oh, look at that.
Okay.
What did I do? Don't know.
What do you think it is? Don't know.
Is it because of the cable thing? Don't think so.
Is it because Alan came to my party? I don't think so.
It's got to be something.
Well, honey, what do you think it is? I think it's because I took her old job back at Farrer-Gantz.
Then you're probably right.
Really? It'd sure bug me.
She quit.
Some friend you are.
You think she feels that strongly? Yeah.
Did I remember to order the rice pudding? Oh, God! (WHISTLES) JAMIE: Wow.
Really.
Wow.
Yeah.
Whoa.
I'm saying.
Want to try again? Hmm.
Ahh.
Yeah, well, I'm full.
Hey.
Hey.
Sleep okay? Yeah.
You? Sure.
You want a bagel? No need.
I just had 100% of my government's minimum requirement of niacin, and a good deal of the zinc.
Really? So I don't have to think about niacin all day.
Good for you.
For what? For sticking to your diet.
Yeah.
What did you think, I wouldn't? No, I knew you would.
Well, so I did.
Well, there you go.
Hey, that's a nice dress.
Oh, you like it? Very attractive.
Uh-oh.
What is "uh-oh"? When I bought it, you thought it was sexy.
It is sexy.
"Sexy" is a subset of "attractive.
" I went bigger.
(DOORBELL BUZZES) Seriously, it's (GROANS) (GRUNTS) Hi.
Hi.
PAUL: Hi.
Bye.
Hey, so, what's up? All right.
I quit my job.
Are you happy now? What? No.
It's all right.
I hated it there anyway.
You're my best friend in the whole world, and that's all that really matters.
You quit your job? I kind of wish you had said something to my face, but it's fine, it's over.
Let's move on.
Why did you quit your job? Why? Why? Paul told Ira you were mad at me, and Lisa said it was because I went back to Farrar-Ganz.
I wasn't mad at you.
Yes, you were.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
You hung up on me.
When? Last night.
Oh, God.
No, no, no, no.
No, I was just I was in a bad mood.
About me.
Not about you.
Then what? I don't want to talk about it.
Because it's about me.
No, Fran.
Then, why else wouldn't you tell me? 'Cause there are just certain things you don't always need to say out loud.
Then why did Paul tell Ira you were mad at me? I don't know.
Is something going on with you two? No.
So it's me.
No, it's not you.
Um, you know, it's Paul.
What's Paul? He's mad.
At me? At Ira.
Paul's mad at Ira? Paul's mad at Ira, yes.
Well, then why didn't he tell Ira that? 'Cause that's how he is.
That's true.
So are we clear now? I quit my job.
You know what? This could be good.
I told him off.
No, no, no.
Think about it.
I called him "fatso.
" We've always said we wanted to work together.
Now we can.
Maybe it's fate.
I had a window.
Paulie's mad at me? I quit my job.
Why's he mad at me? I quit my job.
What did I do? I quit my job.
Hey.
Plaid.
Tartan plaid, actually.
Tartan plaid.
(DOORBELL BUZZES) Who is it? Ira.
Go away.
Paulie, come on.
Get out of here.
Oh, man, Paulie, what did I do? Is it the cable thing? I don't think so.
Was it the thing with the woman at Fran's party? I don't think so.
Well, it's got to be something.
Well, honey, what do you think it is? I don't know.
Maybe Maybe it has something to do with the store.
I could see that.
Really? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Think about it.
His own father gives you the store instead of him.
Need I say more? Wow, I never saw it like that.
What kind of person are you? All right.
Okay, fast.
Jeez.
It happens.
MAN ON TAPE: Follow these few tips, and your new Japanese garden is sure to give you MAN 2: A tremendous amount.
MAN: of pleasure for years to come.
Now you don't hear the edit? It's fine.
And you don't miss "oodles"? It's fine.
It's fine.
Moving on.
Moving on.
Hey, Splinky.
Look, let me just say this.
What's the matter? No, no, no, no, Paulie, let me talk.
You and I are like brothers, right? I mean, you gotta know how I feel about you.
Yeah, what's No, no, let me talk.
Sometimes things, they go a little askew.
But that doesn't mean that the blood goes bad, Paulie.
I mean, not between us.
That's the last thing that I'd ever want.
I was going to do this even before I knew that you were mad at me.
I'm not mad Let me talk.
Fine.
Talk.
I don't need to talk.
I think this should say it all.
"Buchman's sporting goods.
"Statement of limited partnership.
" What did you do? I'm giving you a piece of the store.
Huh? I only wish you'd said something to my face, but, Paulie, it's only right.
Total silent partnership.
You don't gotta do anything but cash the checks.
So we're straight now? When weren't we straight? Huh? Well, I'm stumped.
It beats me.
We know how to do this.
We'll just go back to basics.
Arousal.
Arousal.
Yes.
Arouse me.
(CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) How you doing? Nice to see ya.
How are ya? Nice to see you.
You know what? We will figure this out.
We will.
Let's just go to sleep.
You're right.
Good night.
Good night.
(CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) (SIREN BLARING) Good night, my ass.
PAUL: Where are you going? You know.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm telling you.
We don't Honey, we don't need the closet.
I beg to differ.
The clo The closet is just for emergencies.
This is not an emergency.
This is just a couple of nights.
All right.
Fine.
Look over there.
Wha Honey.
Hey, come on.
Honey.
Look at all these shoes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which ones should I wear? Okay.
Which ones? I can't tell.
It's so dark in here.
All right.
How dark? I'll never find my way to Grandma's house.
Hey, I'm not doing the wolf.
It's so hard to run in these heels.
Ooh.
Oops.
What? Did you trip? Train tracks.
Hey, I'm not doing the train.
I wonder if this train stops at the beach.
I don't remember.
Oh, the sand is so hot between my toes.
All right.
Well, now you got to open the door.
Who knew Aruba could be this hot? I'm saying! But open the door, sweetie.
I wish that cabana boy would rub some lotion on my back.
I'm not doing Pedro.
Seriously, no Pedro.
It's not very crowded out here.
Maybe I'll just loosen my top.
Oh, that is much better.
I feel so free and unencumbered, like anything could happen.
Who is it? Si, senora, esta Pedro.
So figure this out.
They have great sex.
We're the ones who get screwed.
I quit my job.
Hey, guys.
Can we talk to you for a minute? Sure.