M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e09 Episode Script

#America, I love you # #You're like a sweetheart of mine # - [Thunderclaps.]
- #From ocean to ocean # # For you my devotion is touching each boundary line # #Just like a little baby # - [Audio Off.]
- Sound! What's with the sound? Come on, let's hear it! Hold your bloomers! Draw me another martini.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Seoul H.
Q.
Reports that rain is expected this evening.
A lot they know.
[Thunderclaps.]
What's it about? This girl goes to the big city and loses her voice.
[No Audio.]
- Care for a martini? - I had an apple in my tent.
You really know how to live.
Klinger, what about the sound? You ask for sound and you get water.
That's show business.
- Sure you don't want a martini? - Does it mix with apples? - Was Lincoln a car? - Maybe a sip.
- Ohh.
- Nutritious and character-building.
#And there's a hundred million others like me # [Cheering.]
[Together.]
# Like me ## [Explosion.]
What is this? Come on, will ya? - Listen.
- Let's blow.
Wait till the crowd thins out.
It'll be easier to get a cab.
- The evening is still young.
You got any plans, Lieutenant? - I'm going straight to bed.
- Best offer I've had all night.
- Bye-bye.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
It's 8:30.
It's pouring.
No movie.
No soft personnel.
I'd rather be down in Seoul hearing Henry's lecture.
Colonel Blake reviews the military position on the hemorrhoid? I'd rather be here.
Sitting on my own.
I'm gonna get in trouble for this, sir.
Captain Mclntyre and Pierce are gonna kill me.
I'm in command until Colonel Blake's absence is replaced with his presence.
That still is coming down.
Captain Pierce calls it his "wellspring of life.
" That's just something he read in Cosmopolitan.
- What the hell's goin' on? - He's taking apart the still! Are you bonkers, Frank? What for? Don't you use that tone with me! Ah, sir, may I be excused? I think I'm getting a sty.
Yes, yes, you little coward! He made me, uh l [Hawkeye.]
Is it broken? Testing, one, two, three.
Ahh! Nectar of the gods.
Mother's milk.
You two are alcoholics.
Hopeless, elbow-bending boozers.
In your ear.
Oh, yeah, boy? "From the deputy assistant undersecretary of defense on drug and alcohol abuse.
"Surveys have shown that 57.
230 of all military personnel in the Asian Theater have a drinking problem.
" We do not have a drinking problem.
- Right, Smedley? - Righto.
They've enclosed a test.
Do you think there's too much vermouth in this? Not for me.
It's a little more ginny than the last batch, though.
Mmm.
Maybe, maybe.
First question: "Do you think and talk about drinking often?" - No, of course not.
I see what you mean about the gin.
- Hell, no! "Do you sometimes gulp drinks?" Ahh.
Never.
"Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?" What? Question number three: "Do you sometimes forget what happened while you were drinking?" - What happened to question number two? - He forgot it.
He forgets while we drink.
- The answer to question number three is no.
- There's just no question.
You're alcoholics! You drink constantly! All right, we drink.
We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
- We're cold, filthy, lonely.
- Scared, bored, tired.
Frightened and very drowsy.
And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice.
- She didn't? - Yeah! We need a drink! I don't give one whit about your personal problems.
I hereby declare this unit dry.
Total prohibition! And that is an official order! [Thunderclaps.]
Boy, when you make it official, you make it official! omnibus, pro quibus illud obtuli sit te miserante propitiabile.
Per Christum Dominum nostrum.
Amen.
Benedicat vos omnipotens Deus Pater et Filius et Spiritus Sanctus.
Nice service, Father.
Oh, Klinger.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You're the only one who ever comes to Sunday services.
You're a very religious man.
I'm really an atheist.
But it gives me a chance to wear my white gloves.
Oh.
How's your section eight coming along? I don't think the dresses are working.
I may have to reenlist to prove I'm crazy.
- Father, we got a problem.
- Frank Burns tore down our still and hid it.
- While we were in surgery.
- Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit? - Later.
- Say something nice about his gloves.
- Huh? - His gloves.
I love your gloves, Klinger.
Sears catalog.
They were having a white sale.
You trace your hands on paper to give 'em your right size.
However, if you want the black You really don't care, do you? I'm sorry your still is broken, Hawkeye.
Did you want to pray for it or anything? Father, what we wanted was a drink.
We've been in the O.
R.
All night.
- We operated on everything but each other.
- You got some sacramental wine? Well, yes, I have.
But the drinking of it is part of a religious service.
You have to be a priest.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
- Ordain us.
- There isn't time for that.
My confession alone would take a year.
I'm sorry I can't help you.
You'll have to excuse me.
It's time for 11:00 Protestant services.
- Do you wanna pray for booze? - I'll try anything.
Oh, well how nice.
Go ahead.
My friends, let's open our service today by singing hymn 216 on page 50 of your green book.
#All things bright and beautiful # #All creatures great and small ## It's true, Margaret.
Leadership is a lonely thing but the satisfactions are overwhelming.
Oh, Frank, every day you remind me more and more of Dad.
The colonel? Your natural leadership, the receding hairline those two warts on your back.
I could've gotten an appointment to West Point but my congressman was a Lithuanian.
Foreign.
Help me a minute.
- [Chuckling.]
- What? [Laughing.]
You should've seen those "hooch hounds," Pierce and Mclntyre when I outlawed alcohol on this post.
Hmph! They were furious when I took away their "glug-glug.
" You deactivated their still? - And mothballed it.
- And outlawed And they claim they're not alcoholics.
These childish, silly reasons for their drinking.
"I'm cold, I'm bored, I'm frightened.
" [Chuckle.]
Frank? Darling.
I have a confession to make.
- Margaret! - It's an heirloom given to Mother by Father on their bridal night.
"To my buttercup, from Alvin.
"The best things are worth waiting for.
Bottoms up.
" Well, it's very nice to carry fruit juice, lemonade, whatever.
- Frank, I carry brandy.
- I didn't hear that! Sometimes I can't make it without it.
I'm cold and frightened too.
My baby.
Don't take away my little "nippy" bottle.
It's only got a drop or two in it.
It's all right, darling.
In In your case, it's nerve medicine.
- [Knocking On Door.]
- Shoot! - What is it, Corporal? - Uh, uh, the - Well? What is it? - The daily report needs to be signed, sir.
I didn't see anything unusual, sir.
- Come on, come on, fingers.
- I'm trying to find the right key.
- That looks right.
- My wife's car.
What are you doing with it over here? She's a lousy driver.
- What's that for, her chastity belt? - Get off it.
Well, you won't let her drive.
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.
Lousy Frank's hidden every drop in the camp.
He's a fink, Frank.
A "frink" is what he is.
But we'll get around him or my name's not whatever my name is.
Potassium permanganate.
Huh.
It'll kill you, but you won't have fungus of the stomach.
- I need the real thing.
- [Clunking Noise.]
[Gasps.]
How 'bout a little light, Margaret? Don't wanna strain your eyes.
I was just checking supplies.
- A tireless worker.
- A beautiful soul.
- You're the woman my mother always hoped I'd be.
- Give us a shot, Margaret.
Shot? This is just medicine.
Tell us what it is, we'll get the disease.
It makes it 100%% .
This place is now bone dry.
Yes, sir.
The men detest me, don't they? - Oh, no, sir.
- You can tell the truth.
They hate me, don't they? Just your guts, sir.
This is for their own good.
They don't have to love me.
I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
You don't have to stand there talking to me.
Go to sleep.
I can do both at the same time.
- Good night, Corporal.
- Good night, uh, sir.
# I wish there were a radio way up in heaven # # So I could say hello to Mother every day ## I didn't know you could sing.
- Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
- [Laughing.]
What the devil's going on in here? Frank, baby! # Come on in, take off your skin and rattle around in your bones # # Come on in, take off your skin and rattle around # # Rattle around in your bones ## - Major Houlihan! - Whoop! This really cuts me to the quick! That's quite all right.
His quick could use some cutting.
Let me have that.
- Where did this liquor come from? - Oh, shh! It's a secret.
- Don't tell anybody.
- Don't tell anyone.
- As your commanding officer, I insist! - Shh! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
You take 11 string beans, one onion half a radish and four "banamas.
" Right, "banamas.
" You mix it all up and you and you let it soak for six weeks.
- [Hawkeye.]
Days.
- Days.
You better write this down.
Then you look around and you find the tallest tree and you hang the stuff in an "emena" bag.
And you let it lay there for 18 weeks.
- [Trapper.]
Days.
- Days.
Thank you.
That tears it! From now on, anyone anyone caught with any kind of intoxicating beverage - will be severely disciplined! - No one! We'll drink to that! [Muttering.]
Who was that? Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink? Well, no, I haven't.
But on the troop ship, I was asked to give a lecture on the sex thing.
- Good! - Well, being celibate, I didn't feel qualified.
They called in a Protestant.
He had a film.
About two sailors.
One was from Cleveland, ostensibly and the other from a small, rural area.
The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart.
Lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Father, please, this is important.
The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and a man with a whip.
- Father - Broke his wristwatch and everything.
Father Mulcahy.
[Clears Throat.]
I need a fire and brimstone lecture on the evils of drink.
- Can you do it? - I'm sure I can.
But no one ever comes to any of my services.
I'm not very magnetic.
Oh, they'll be there.
It'll be a general order.
No one will be excused.
Well, I'll try, sir.
I won't be alone.
He'll be by my side.
If He only had a film.
Move your thumb, and put a retractor in here instead.
I don't have three hands.
Ask a nurse to do it, Doctor! - More suction.
- If I want more suction, I'll ask for more suction.
More suction.
That boy was full of shrapnel.
You're kidding? I thought he swallowed the egg money.
- You did a good job, Doctor.
- Who asked you? Dr.
Schweitzer's in a hurry for his organ lesson.
I'm not worthy of you, Frank.
You try, Margaret.
That's what counts.
I'm willing to forgive.
I'm willing to forget because it's something I'll always remember.
Oh, Frank, you're so above average.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention! Father Mulcahy's temperance lecture is scheduled for 1300 hours.
No personnel will be excepted by order of Major Frank Burns, temporary commander and surgeon.
This is one personnel that's not going.
The instrument has yet to be invented which can measure my indifference to that remark.
You use my razor? I've had several complaints about my armpits.
You've got Field and Stream mixed in with my Joys of Nudity.
Big deal.
I'd rather see a naked girl than a canoe built in a dentist's garage.
This blade is dull.
Well, if the blade fits Always a shot, always the needle.
Mr.
Glib.
Never at a loss for words.
Run up an alley and holler "fish.
" Oh, clever.
Very clever.
Aah! Field and Stream.
How can you read this stuff? Listen, I'm so bored, I'm rereading my draft notices.
"How to Wrap a Grizzly Bear for Mailing.
" You used my towel.
I left a quarter.
- Popular Mechanics? - Save that.
I'm making a lamp out of a lawn mower.
You know something? You're a slob.
A slob! A real slob! - I'm a slob? - Yeah! Whose toenails are always under my bed with nobody in 'em? - So they jump when I cut 'em.
- Point your feet out the door.
You don't suppose it's true? - What true? - That we're alcoholics.
If I thought that, I'd rent myself out to a firing squad.
Right.
Very good.
I can take it or leave it.
Then why are you afraid to go to the lecture? - Five bucks.
- Deal.
After you used that filthy towel? [Klinger.]
It's really filling up, Father.
Already? I can't believe it.
Oh, sweet Mary.
I've never had an audience this size.
You're shaking, Father.
Well, drinking is not my best subject.
"Turning the Other Cheek," "The Prodigal Son.
" I'm better with the standards.
Father, maybe a little bracer? Something to calm you down? - You have anything around here? - Oh.
In my desk there's a bottle of some sorts, I think.
The gift of a young marine.
A thank you for a very successful confession.
This'll get you there.
And back! Frank, what a turnout.
Lemmings must be directed to the sea.
You're magic with a phrase.
Winston Churchill said, "Men can move mountains with words.
" His mother was American, you know.
So was mine.
Frank, look at the door.
How 'bout sucking in your shoulders? Pardon my build.
Hi.
Move your keister.
- Couldn't just slide over, huh? - Go mail a bear.
Sound! Where's the sound? - Will you move over? - Lard butt! [Knocking On Door.]
- Excuse me.
- Better be good, Father.
Ziegfeld's out front.
[Clears Throat.]
My friends, let me quote from Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine or strong drink, thou "nor thy sons with thee "when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die; [Clears Throat.]
It shall be a statute forever throughout your generations.
" My friends, the Lord said this to Aaron after the passing away of his beloved sons, Nadab and Abi'hu.
It's rather warm in here.
Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows? My friends let me quote Leviticus 10.
"Do not drink wine or strong drink, thou nor thy sons with thee.
" - [Hawkeye.]
We saw this.
- Shh.
Friends, let me tell you something however compulsory it may be.
There's no film.
I am live.
Now back to where we were when you last heard from me.
It was with Leviticus on the tenth, I believe.
"Drink thee not "nor thee, thou sons "lest ye die.
Nor congregate at the corner tabernacle.
" I'd like to take a short sabbatical or a cup of coffee.
Or I wonder, is there a doctor in the tent? - Father, are you all right? - Ow! - Get your big feet out of the way! - My big feet? Please don't rise.
- Ow! - Frank? That's it, everybody.
The 18th Amendment has been repealed! [Cheering.]
Have I ever told you folks the one about the prodigal son? Retraction.
- Suction, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
Very nice.
Very neat.
Thank you, Doctor.
Pierce, Mclntyre? - Yo? - We're still here, Frank.
Now tell the truth.
Don't you feel better for drinking less? Absolutely! My skin is clear, my eyes are bright, my tummy loves me again.
Good.
Now just remember.
Moderation.
No more secret drinking.
Right.
Have you made the incision, Doctor? - Yep.
- Nurse, two straws, please.