Miracle Workers (2019) s03e09 Episode Script

1
[TRIG SIGHS]
We made it, gang. Oregon.
[CHEERFUL CHATTER]
She sure is purty, huh, boss?
She sure is.
And she's ours for the taking.
- [MEN CHUCKLE]
- TODD: Guys? Uh Guys, wait up.
I'm having trouble steering my horse.
- Okay, I
- Turn left.
No, mine's broken. It's broken.
No, the other left. My left.
Okay, I know he saved us
from certain death and all,
but do we really have to
babysit this idiot?
Okay, great.
Now I'm just going in reverse.
Can I get a new one?
Yeah, let's just go.
TODD: Wow, Prudence!
It's more majestic than I ever
could have imagined.
Maybe if you untied me we could
- enjoy the view together.
- Nice try.
The last time I did that, you tried
to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
Not very wifely of you.
That's because you betrayed our friends
and left them to die, you rat bastard!
Hey! Language!
And need I remind you
that I'm the victim here?
If you hadn't betrayed me
and slept with that
snake-in-the-grass reverend,
none of this would've happened.
But, despite your past misdeeds,
I still think we can make it work.
We'll have a new, fresh start in Oregon.
Todd, how could you possibly
believe that?
You're literally holding me
prisoner against my will.
Ah, it's a funny story
we'll tell the kids one day.
- [HORSE SNORTS]
- Now stop complaining.
You're upsetting the horse.
Crops are coming in nicely.
We should have plenty this year.
Greetings, travelers!
Welcome to Oregon! [CHUCKLES]
- I'm Governor Lane.
- Happy to be here.
Please, help yourself
to as much land as you want.
There's lumber and cattle
and basically anything you need.
Also, if you're running low on cash,
there's plenty of gold in the river.
Gold?
- In the river?
- Yes.
It's quite a nuisance, actually.
I'm always stubbing my dang toe on gold!
Oh, my God, I hate when
that happens to me!
Oh, and my apologies.
We don't have much by the way
of law and order out here.
Mostly go by the honor system.
I hope that's all right. [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's more than all right.
Gang, let's get to work.
- Gang, you say?
- [HORSE WHINNIES]
Oh, my! Many horses.
[WIND WHISTLING]
Well, I guess we didn't
make it to Oregon before winter.
Looks like we're stuck here
until the storm passes.
I just feel bad for the Rev
out there on his own.
I don't feel bad for that sinner.
He can freeze his wicked
willie off for all I care.
MARTHA: We can't go on like this.
We ate the provisions, we ate the oxen.
We're all gonna starve to death!
Okay, Martha, you're being
a tad dramatic,
don't you think? No one's gonna die.
[GASPING]
He's dead.
Okay, you gotta admit,
the timing on that one was pretty funny.
Poor William. So young, strong.
And juicy.
Seems like a waste to bury him.
All that meat and yummy blood.
Okay, are you talking about what
I think you're talking about?
- We're talking about eating him.
- Yeah, that's what I thought
you were talking about.
Guys, we're not eating people!
Clearly I'm no moral authority,
but if the Rev were here,
he would say something cheesy
yet ultimately uplifting
about doing the right thing!
The Rev ain't here, is he?
And I'm getting hungry.
Oh, so that's it.
Now we're all just cool
with being cannibals?
- Yep.
- Sure, yeah.
- I'm good with it.
- Amen.
I'll get the fire started!
Wow. All right, then.
I'm gonna go see what the Rev is up to.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, boss. What's got you down?
Oh, nothing.
It's just, Oregon isn't what
I was expecting.
Are you kidding?
This place is a paradise!
Hell, I'm richer than a Rockefeller.
See, that's the problem.
It's impossible to be bad here
when everything is so damn good.
I don't follow.
Look.
Hey, you.
[BORED] Give me all your money.
Oh, my pleasure.
[CHUCKLES] You're actually
doing me a favor.
My jacket was getting heavy.
Do you need an extra watch?
I got plenty.
- No, thank you! Bye.
- All right, you're welcome.
See? How am I supposed to be
the most feared outlaw
in the entire country
if there's plenty to go around?
- [BELL RINGING]
- Re-elect Governor Lane!
For four more years of health,
wealth, and prosperity!
- [LAUGHS]
- That's it.
If I became governor,
then I could make Oregon
just as shitty as the rest of America.
Boss you can't run for governor!
- You're a
- Woman.
And Black.
And a convicted serial killer.
Yeah, that's a lot.
If only we knew a dumb, rich white guy
who could run for me
Wait a minute!
We do know a dumb, rich white guy!
Hey, sugar plum.
Your devoted hubby made you
breakfast in bed!
Well breakfast in cage.
Let me out of here, you psycho.
You really think this is
gonna make me love you?
What, you don't like this cage?
No, I don't like you!
Well, you like the swing.
[SIGHS] Yes, I like the swing.
- [DOOR OPENING]
- Hey, Todd.
Oh, hey, nice cage.
Piss off.
Trig, why are you here?
Just wanted to see how
you were settling in.
Hmm. Pictured a man of your station
living somewhere nicer.
Hmph!
Somewhere like
the governor's mansion?
I'm listening.
I want to help you become
the next governor of Oregon.
And in return, I may ask you
to pass a bill or two turning Oregon
- into a living hell on Earth.
- [PRUDENCE SCOFFS]
Yeah, right! Like anyone
would willingly jeopardize
an entire state just to stoke their ego.
You're absolutely right.
Now about this governor's mansion.
Does it come with a big desk?
- The biggest.
- Okay, I'm in.
- All right.
- What?
Hey, Rev!
You alive in there?
Benny? [GASPS] Benny!
Great to see you! Come in, come in!
Welcome to Chez Zeke. Ha ha.
Take a seat.
Uh, nice place you got.
Oh, thank you. What a nice thing to say.
Yes, it was a bit lonely at first,
being banished to a frozen wilderness,
it's given me loads of time to
explore my other interests.
For instance, I learned
how to bake sourdough!
Want some?
It's mostly twigs and dirt,
but you can hardly tell the difference.
Yeah, maybe later.
Look, there's some bad stuff
going down at the cabin.
I need you to come back with me
and talk some sense into everyone!
You know, do your preacher thing.
- No, I can't do that.
- Why not?
Because everything I preached was a lie!
I devoted my entire life
to God, and what for?
Prudence is in mortal danger
and we are trapped,
dying, on a mountainside.
Ah, you're just in a bad mood.
Probably due to late-stage hypothermia.
Come on, I need you to come with me!
Oh! And uh, you might want to shave.
You look like Davy Crockett
if he was a huge pervert.
[CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS]
Guys! Oh.
Look who I found.
Ezekiel.
I'm disappointed to see
you haven't frozen to death.
Hi, Phaedra. It's nice to see you, too.
All right, go on, Rev.
Tell them what they're doing is wrong.
We know it doesn't look great.
- I'm not gonna tell you that.
- You're not?
God doesn't care what you do.
Nothing matters.
In fact, may I?
Bon appétit.
- [LOUD CRUNCHING]
- Whoa!
Leave some for the rest of us.
Huh. Did not see that one coming.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Man.
Rev, this shoulder's delicious.
What'd you put in it?
- Blood.
- Blood? Hmm.
- Oh, now I taste it.
- Mm-hmm.
Can someone please pass the butt?
Benny, did you want some light
or dark meat, or penis?
I'll pass, thanks.
Rev, you gotta put a stop to this.
The Bible must say something
about not eating people.
I mean, sure, God says it's a sin, but,
God and I are not speaking
at the moment.
He abandoned me.
Ezekiel, I'm so sorry.
Really, who does that to a person?
I'm sure he's just busy with work!
You know, probably creating a new planet
or designing a new kind of giraffe.
It doesn't work like that.
And in the meantime,
nothing's gonna stop me from enjoying
another serving of William.
No! Where did William go?
Looks like we ate him all up.
But I'm still hungry.
[SCOFFS] William
is just like Chinese food.
You know? I get so full,
and then five minutes later
I'm like, "I could do seconds."
Well, too bad there aren't
any more bodies to eat.
Not yet, at least.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Don't you look at me, boy.
Oh, I'm I'm I'm not.
[WHISPERS] Let's eat him next.
CROWD, CHANTING: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
Make Oregon bad! Make Oregon bad!
TODD: Yes!
The old governor wanted
peace and prosperity
for everyone and [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
I say we do the exact opposite,
because
America!
[ALL CHEERING]
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
- [CROWD CHANTING]
- He is killing it out there!
I can't believe people
are falling for this.
Todd doesn't know the first
thing about politics.
He's just loud and obnoxious.
I know. He's a genius.
I mean, an idiot, but a genius.
If they found out he was
keeping his wife in a cage,
they would never vote for him.
And they never will find out, will they?
I want you to meet someone
very special to me,
my adoring wife, Prudence.
What do you say?
[CHEERING]
- You want to meet Prudence?
- ALL: Yeah!
Let's get her out here!
- That's a bad idea.
- No, this is a good idea.
No, I say it's a bad idea.
No, Trig, I swear to God,
get her out here.
You know, actually, I'd love to.
[CROWD CHANTING "TODD'S WIFE!"]
Todd's wife, Prudence!
Todd's wife, Prudence!
There she is, my loving wife, everyone.
That's it, keep waving.
Oh, this is good. This is nice.
Hey, Prudence, why don't you
tell the crowd
what you love most about me?
Uh, I'd have to think.
Tell them he's a great family man.
- Do it.
- Uh
He's a great family man.
- [CHEERING]
- Family!
My grandmother
in particular loves him, yeah.
Her name is Ima. Ima Hostage.
You never told me about Ima before.
She sounds lovely.
So was her husband.
Yeah, his name was, This Is An Emergency
Call The Police, Someone,
Anyone, Please.
Okay, that's enough. Let's go.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I think the people would love to see
the new governor and his wife kiss.
No, no, there's no way.
I'm not doing that.
- Kiss him or you die.
- [COCKS GUN]
[CROWD CHANTING "KISS!"]
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
[VOMITS]
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, that's sweet. They're in love.
[CROWD CHANTING "TODD!"]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You don't want to eat me.
You know, I wouldn't even taste good.
All I eat is water and millet,
like a bird.
What about the gunslinger?
- Ooh.
- Yeah, right.
Like you could handle this spice?
[MAN'S VOICE] Ezekiel!
Ezekiel!
Who is that?
It's me, God!
- [GASPS]
- God?
That's right, the big kahuna himself.
I never should have left you, baby.
But I'm back for good, so,
you should probably stop
eating people now.
I know it's you, Benny.
[CHUCKLES] I wish I was Benny.
That guy's cool.
Hurry up and take me back, will you?
I'm freezing my balls off
up here in Heaven! Whoa!
It's okay, it's not God.
[GROANING]
Why are you doing this, Benny?
To stop you from doing
something you'll regret forever.
You're only hurting yourself
with this good guy act.
Once you realize God doesn't care
you'll be a lot happier.
And a lot less hungry.
Come on, everyone. Dinner time.
Little help? Oh.
- Benny, if this is another trick
- No more tricks.
This good guy stuff is not much fun,
and the truth is,
I really could use a bite to eat.
You're in luck.
We happen to have an
extra seat at the table tonight.
We are preparing a beautiful broth
for tonight's meal.
Mm. Needs more salt.
- Yes, chef.
- And here we have
the main course.
Levi!
Hi, Uncle Benny!
I'm in my secret fort.
You're eating the kid?!
It's the most humane option, really.
The boy's on death's door as it is.
Plus he's so young and tender.
Isn't that right, my little veal chop?
[GIGGLES] My belly's full of butter.
Right! Shall we get started?
Everyone, we're about to begin.
This will not just be a meal,
it will be a culinary voyage
and, dare I say, my masterpiece.
[SPLASH]
Sorry, Rev.
No one's eating this kid today.
- [OTHERS GROAN]
- Gross!
We don't want to eat you!
You're old and nasty!
I'll bet I taste delicious.
Haven't you heard of aged prime beef?
Benny, this is pointless.
You are not gonna convince me
that God is coming back.
Fine! Maybe God did abandon you,
I don't know.
But I do know you can still
do the right thing.
No, I can't!
All right, if there is no God,
there is no hope. We are just alone.
That's not true.
We still have each other!
You taught me how to
take care of other people.
Now it's my turn to take care of you.
Even if it means I have
to become a human dumpling.
I don't believe you.
You're not gonna let yourself cook.
Oh, I'm not, am I?
Guess I'd better make
myself comfortable.
♪La di dee, la di da ♪♪
♪La di dee, la di da ♪♪
Oh, you'd better decide quick, Rev.
I'm medium rare at this point,
borderline medium.
Fine! I believe you! Please, get out.
[PANTS] Whoo!
[ALL GROAN]
All right, Rev,
I knew you'd do the right thing.
- [CRUNCH]
- Ow!
Hey! Levi,
did you just take a bite out of me?
Ew! He tastes like an old hamburger!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, Levi, you little scamp!
I'm glad we didn't eat him.
["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYS]
Well, if the early numbers
are any indication,
we're looking at
the next governor of Oregon.
[LAUGHTER]
[GLASSES CLINK]
Prudence?
I'm sure you'd love to celebrate
your darling husband's success.
- Champagne, dear?
- I'm not celebrating this.
You handed Oregon to the bad guys.
You make me sick.
You know what? Fine! Be that way.
I don't need your love anymore.
I have the love of the American people.
Wait! Todd?
I do love you.
You do?
[SIGHS] I didn't realize
until now, but
watching your craven rise to power
through no effort
or ability of your own,
well, it's kinda sexy.
Rowr!
Now come in here and give baby a kiss.
Oh, Prudence.
I knew that if I demanded
you to love me long enough
that you'd eventually come around.
Now say those three magic words again.
I
hate you!
- [WHUMP]
- Aah! Oh!
- Ow!
- Ha!
She's escaping! Get her!
- [GUNSHOT]
- Damn it!
Everybody stop!
Todd is lying to you.
We are not happily married.
The truth is, he is a total psychopath
who's been keeping me in a cage.
Okay, well, it sounds bad
when you say it like that.
This is an outrage.
I am sickened to my core
by your actions.
Which is why it kills me
that I'm still gonna vote for you.
- What?
- I know!
I hate it as much as you do.
I wish there was another way!
There is. You could just
not vote for him.
Yeah, but I'm going to anyway.
[LAUGHS] Yes!
Sorry, honey.
Looks like you lose.
But this makes no sense.
Of course it does.
They're a bunch of big fat idiots.
Damn it!
I hate this!
♪♪♪♪♪♪
You've convinced us, Rev.
No more cannibalism.
But how will we survive the storm now?
By taking care of each other.
We will outlast this storm,
no matter how long it takes. Hey, guys!
The storm is over. Look.
Well, great. Convenient timing.
BENNY: Wow! It's beautiful!
Say, you don't think
this was God, do you?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.
All I know is we are
getting off this mountain
and rescuing Prudence.
All right! Come on.
Oh, hey, hey, hold up, will you?
That kid took a big chunk out of my ass.
Now this is a desk.
I mean, you could park
a frickin' wagon on this thing.
Prudence, you see how big this desk is?
Yes, Todd. It's a very big desk.
Hello, Mr. Governor!
Time to hold up your end of the deal.
Here are some new bills
for you to sign off on.
Okay. This is such a hard "yob."
- It's "job."
- Hard J.
Uch.
Okay, here we go.
And
"Proposal to Strip
the Oregonians of Their Land."
- Okay.
- [TODD AND TRIG CHUCKLE]
"Dump toxic sludge in the river."
Don't care.
- "All the gold goes
- [MAN CLEARS THROAT]
to Trig."
Oh, jeez.
Okay, whatever.
We're done.
So nice doing business with you.
Hey, little birdie.
Here's a bird.
Unladylike.
- All right.
- Okay. I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna go hit the links.
That cool? Don't care.
Oh, Zeke. [SIGHS] Where are you?
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[MAN SCREAMING]
♪♪♪♪♪♪
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]