Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e09 Episode Script
The Nude Man
THIS IS CAPTAIN MacPHERSON WELCOMING YOU ABOARD EAST SCOTTISH AIRWAYS.
YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR TEA.
OUR DESTINATION IS GLASGOW.
THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC.
THERE'S A BOMB ONBOARD THIS PLANE AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS FOR A THOUSAND POUNDS.
I DON' BELIEVE YOU.
IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS IF I DON'T GIVE YOU THE MONEY UNLESS YOU GIVE ME THE BOMB THE MONEY.
THE MONEY THANK YOU, PRETTY LADY THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE, KILLING EVERYBODY.
INCLUDING YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS FOR A POUND.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A POUND.
I DON'T WAN SCOTTISH MONEY.
THEY'VE GO THE NUMBERS.
IT CAN BE TRACED.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB? I CAN'T REMEMBER.
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN? AYE, YOU'D BETTER HAVE YOUR POUND BACK.
OH FINGERPRINTS.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB? WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
MY FIRST IS IN GLASGOW, BUT NOT IN SPAIN.
MY SECOND IS IN STEAMER, BUT NOT IN TRAIN.
MY WHOLE IS IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT ON THE PLANE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE BOMB IS FOR A POUND.
IT'S IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT.
RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR POUND.
IS THIS CHARACTER GIVING YOU ANY TROUBLE? HE'S JUST RUINED THIS SKETCH.
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
LET'S GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
I WON'T RUIN YOUR SKETCH FOR A POUND.
NO, NO.
75p.
NEXT ITEM.
WELL, I SEE MY ROLE IN IT AS OH, HOW CAN I PUT IT THE NUDE MAN AS SORT OF SYMBOLIZING THE TWO SEPARATE STRANDS OF EXISTENCE THE ESSENTIAL NUDITY OF MAN OH, UM IT'S A VERY INTERESTING QUESTION.
PERSONALLY, I RATHER ADHERE TO THE BERGSONIAN IDEA OF LAUGHTER AS A SOCIAL SANCTION AGAINST INFLEXIBLE BEHAVIOR, BUT EXCUSE ME.
AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
WELL, WE'LL BE CONTINUING WITH MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS IN JUST A MOMENT.
YES, YES, WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE SHOW IN JUST ONE MOMENT FROM NOW.
THIS NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENT IN BRISTOL IS ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING IN THE COUNTRY.
IT'S USING A VARIETY OF NEW TECHNIQUES SHOCKPROOF CURTAIN WALLING A CENTRAL HIGH-VOLTAGE, SELF- GENERATING ELECTRICITY SOURCE AND EXTRUDED ACRYLIC FIBERGLASS FITMENTS.
IT'S ALSO THE FIRST MAJOR HOUSING PROJECT IN BRITAIN TO BE BUILT ENTIRELY BY CHARACTERS BY 19th-CENTURY HERE, LITTLE NELL FROM DICKENS' OLD CURIOSITY SHOP FITS NEW NYLON SIPHONS INTO THE ASBESTOS-LINED CEILING.
BUT IT'S THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM WHICH HAS ATTRACTED THE MOST ATTENTION.
ARTHUR HUNTINGTON, WHO HELEN GRAHAM MARRIED AS A YOUNG GIRL AND WHOSE SHAMELESS CONDUC EVENTUALLY DROVE HER BACK TO HER BROTHER, LAWRENCE IN ANNE BRONTE'S THE TENANT OF WILDFELL HALL DESCRIBES WHY IT'S UNIQUE.
BECAUSE, SIR, IT IS SELF-GENERATING.
BECAUSE WE HAVE HARNESSED HERE, IN THIS BOX THE VERY FORCES OF LIFE ITSELF THE VERY FORCES THAT WILL SEND HELEN RUNNING BACK TO BEG FORGIVENESS.
THE ON-SITE BUILDING TECHNIQUES INVOLVE THE CONSTRUCTION OF 12-FOOT WALLING BLOCKS BY A CROWD OF FARMHANDS FROM TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES SUPERVISED BY THE GENIAL LANDLADY, MRS.
JUPP FROM SAMUEL BUTLER'S WAY OF ALL FLESH.
IN CONTRAST TO THE SITE IN BRISTOL IS PROGRESS HERE ON BRITAIN'S FIRS 18-LEVEL MOTORWAY INTERCHANGE BEING BUILT BY CHARACTERS FROM MILTON'S PARADISE LOST.
WHAT WENT WRONG HERE? WELL, NOBODY REALLY GOT ON.
SATAN DIDN'T GET ON WITH EVE UH ARCHANGEL GABRIEL DIDN'T GET ON WITH SATAN.
NOBODY GOT ON WITH THE SERPENT.
SO NOW THEY HAVE TO WORK A ROTA FORCES OF GOOD FROM 10:00 TILL 3:00 FORCES OF EVIL, 3:00 TILL 6:00.
BUT EVEN MORE MODERN BUILDING TECHNIQUES ARE BEING USED ON AN EXPANDING NEW TOWN SITE NEAR PETERBOROUGH.
HERE, THE AMAZING MYSTICO AND JANE CAN PUT UP A BLOCK OF FLATS BY HYPNOSIS IN UNDER A MINUTE.
THE LOCAL COUNCIL HERE HAVE OVER 50 HYPNOSIS-INDUCED 25-STORY BLOCKS PUT UP BY EL MYSTICO AND JANET.
I ASKED MR.
KEN VERYBIGLIAR THE ADVANTAGES OF HYPNOSIS COMPARED TO OTHER BUILDING METHODS.
OH, THERE IS A CONSIDERABLE FINANCIAL ADVANTAGE IN USING THE SERVICES OF EL MYSTICO.
A BLOCK, LIKE MYSTICO POINT HERE WOULD NORMALLY COS IN THE REGION OF £1½ MILLION.
BUT THIS WAS PUT UP FOR FIVE POUNDS AND 30 BOB FOR JANET.
BUT THE OBVIOUS QUESTION IS, ARE THEY SAFE? OF COURSE THEY'RE SAFE.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO DOUB ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE AS STRONG, SOLID AND AS SAFE AS ANY OTHER BUILDING METHOD IN THIS COUNTRY PROVIDED, OF COURSE, PEOPLE BELIEVE IN THEM.
YES, WE RECEIVED A NOTE FROM THE COUNCIL SAYING THAT IF WE CEASED TO BELIEVE IN THIS BUILDING IT WOULD FALL DOWN.
YOU DON'T MIND LIVING IN A FIGMENT OF ANOTHER MAN'S IMAGINATION? NO, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN WHERE WE USED TO LIVE.
WHERE DID YOU USED TO LIVE? WE HAD AN 18-ROOM VILLA OVERLOOKING NICE.
REALLY? THAT SOUNDS MUCH BETTER.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH, NO, NO, NO! OF COURSE NOT.
PHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE.
BUT THE CONSTRUCTION OF THESE VAST NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS PROVIDING HOMES FOR MANY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IS NOT THE ONLY PROJECT TO WHICH HE HAS APPLIED HIS MANY TALENTS.
HE ALSO HAS AN INFALLIBLE POOLS METHOD A SCHOOL OF SPANISH DANCING AND A CAR HIRE SERVICE.
WHAT'S THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND A MAN OF SUCH RESTLESS ENERGIES AND BOUNDLESS VISION? HERE, AS WITH SO MANY GREAT MEN OF HISTORY THE ANSWER LIES IN A WOMAN.
AS ANTONY HAS HIS CLEOPATRA AS NAPOLEON HAS HIS JOSEPHINE SO MYSTICO HAS HIS JANET.
YES, JANET, A QUIET, SHY GIRL AN HONORS GRADUATE FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY AMERICAN JUNIOR SPRIN RECORD HOLDER EX-WORLD SKATING CHAMPION, NOBEL PRIZE WINNER ARCHITECT, NOVELIST AND SURGEON.
THE GIRL WHO HELPED CRACK THE OPPENHEIMER SPY RING IN 1947 SHE GAVE VITAL EVIDENCE TO THE SENATE NARCOTICS COMMISSION IN 1958.
SHE ALSO HELPED TO CONVICT THE WOMAN AT THE CHEMIST'S IN 1961 AND A YEAR LATER, SHE GAVE POLICE INFORMATION WHICH LED TO THE ARRES OF HER POSTMAN.
IN OCTOBER OF THAT SAME YEAR SHE SECURED THE CONVICTION OF HER GARDENER FOR BIGAMY AND THREE MONTHS LATER PERSONALLY LED THE POLICE SWOOP ON THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR.
IN 1967, SHE BECAME SUSPICIOUS OF THE MAN AT THE GARAGE AND IT WAS HER DOGGED PERSEVERANCE AND RELENTLESS INQUIRIES THAT, TWO YEARS LATER, FINALLY SECURED HIS CONVICTION FOR NOT HAVING A LICENSE FOR HIS CAR RADIO.
HE WAS HANGED AT LEEDS A YEAR LATER DESPITE THE ABOLITION OF CAPITAL PUNISHMEN AND THE PUBLIC OUTCRY.
ALSO IN LEEDS THAT YEAR, A LOCAL BUTCHER WAS HANGED FOR DEFAULTING ON MORTGAGE REPAYMENTS AND A MR.
JARVIS WAS ELECTROCUTED FOR SHOUTING IN THE CORRIDOR.
WE ADMIT THERE HAVE BEEN OUTBREAKS OF HANGING RECENTLY BUT THE POLICE ARE TRYING TO KEEP THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.
YOU MUST REMEMBER THE COURTS ARE VERY BUSY AT THE MOMEN AND THE ODD DEATH SENTENCE IS BOUND TO SLIP THROUGH.
ELECTROCUTIONS ARE ANOTHER BIG WORRY BUT WE HOPE THAT GUILLOTINING HAS BEEN ERADICATED FROM THE URBAN AREAS AND GARROTING IS CONFINED ALMOST ENTIRELY TO LUTON.
SO IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN PRISON OR UNDER SENTENCE OF DEATH BE SURE TO LET US KNOW AT THIS ADDRESS.
and Premier Chou En-lai who called it "a major breakthrough.
" Twelve men were accidentally hanged at Whitby Assizes this afternoon whilst considering their verdict.
This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice in Britain since Tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine here on wonderful Radio One-One-One so if you're still lying in your big, big bed now's the time to get up out of it.
We've got another 13 hours of tiptop sounds here on Wonderful Radio One.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells or have completed the process of evolution there's a wonderful day ah MUST BE ON RADIO FOUR.
RADIO TWO RADIO THREE RADIO FOUR.
It's 9:00 and time for Mortuary Hour an hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery for all those who work in mortuaries introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey.
Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.
TURN THAT RADIO OFF AND LOOK LIVELY.
IT'S MORTUARY HOUR, MR.
WANG.
DON'T ARGUE, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS OUR MORTUARY IN HERE, YOUR GRACE.
I SAY, I SAY, I, UH I, UH I, UH I, UH I, I, I, UH I, UH I, UH I I I I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
WELL, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF IT HERE, SIR.
IT'S ONE OF THE MOS UP-TO-DATE IN THE COUNTRY.
I SEE, YES, YES, YES.
NOW, UM WHAT ARE OH, UH WHAT ARE UH WHAT ARE WHAT WHAT ARE WHAT IS IT? IS IT A POWER STATION? NO, YOUR GRACE, IT'S A MORTUARY.
I SEE, I SEE, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
WELL, IT HAS ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED THERMOSTAT CONTROL SYSTEMS IN THE COUNTRY AND IT HAS COMPUTER CONTROL STORAGE FACILITIES.
I SEE, I SEE.
I, UM I, UH OH, I I, UH I, UH I I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOGGIE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR GRACE? I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOG.
OH, DEAR.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD POSTPONE THE VISIT.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU SEE, IT'S JUST THA HIS BRAIN IS SO TINY THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMEN CAN DISLODGE IT.
YOUR GRACE? YOUR GRACE? OH, DEAR, IT'S RATHER LIKE ONE OF THOSE GAMES YOU PLAY WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET THE BALL INTO THE HOLE AH! EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
NOW THEN, UH UH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE STEEL IS POURED INTO THE INGOTS? PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE NEW SHOWERS.
YES, YES, YES, RATHER.
YES, YES, YES, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, NO FEAR.
Well, the answers were as follows: Number one, the left hand; two, no; three, normal; four, yes, it has, in 1963 when a bird got caught in the mechanism.
TURN THAT THING OFF.
IT'S "MORTUARY DANCE TIME," MR.
WANG.
NEVER MIND THAT, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
I'VE JUST HAD WHITBY POLICE ON THE PHONE WITH 12 HANGEES.
OH, YEAH, WE JUST HEARD ABOUT THAT ON THE RADIOS.
NO, THESE ARE 12 DIFFERENT ONES, SO SHTOOM.
I'LL NOT INTERRUP THIS SKETCH FOR A POUND.
WHAT? FOR ONE POUND I'LL LEAVE THE SKETCH TOTALLY UNINTERRUPTED.
50p? I'M PREPARED TO NEGOTIATE A 40p DEAL.
FOR 35p, I WON'T INTERRUP ANY OF THE NEXT THREE ITEMS.
NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
25p? NO.
10p AND A KISS.
YOU SEE, IT'S VERY SIMPLE I JUST TAKE THESE CUTOUT FIGURES AND BY PUTTING THEM TOGETHER WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN WE'RE ON.
SORRY.
HMM? WAIT, NIGEL.
I'VE GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING WE'RE BEING WATCHED.
OH, MY GOD, ROSE, IT'S THE POLICE.
RUN FOR IT! OH, LUNCH BREAK.
GOTT IN HIMMEL! IT'S COMING! MEANWHILE, 55 YEARS LATER BACK IN LONDON HELLO, GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND LEG OF THE OLYMPIC FINAL OF THE MEN'S HIDE-AND-SEEK HERE IN THE HEAR OF BRITAIN'S LONDON.
WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUS A COUPLE OF MOMENTS FROM NOW AND THERE YOU CAN SEE THE TWO COMPETITORS FRANCISCO HURON, THE PARAGUAYAN WHO, IN THIS LEG, IS THE SEEKER AND THERE'S THE MAN HE'LL BE LOOKING FOR OUR OWN DON ROBERTS FROM HINCKLEY IN LEICESTERSHIRE WHO, HIS TRAINER TELLS ME IS AT THE HEIGH OF HIS SELF-SECRETING FORM.
NOW, IN THE FIRST LEG, WHICH ENDED ON WEDNESDAY DON SUCCEEDED IN FINDING THE PARAGUAYAN IN THE NEW WORLD RECORD TIME OF 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS NINE HOURS, THREE MINUTES, 27.
4 SECONDS IN A SWEET SHOP IN KILMARNOCK.
AND NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS.
ON YOUR MARKS GET SET UNO, DOS, TRES, CUATRO, QUINCE SEIS, SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIEZ ONCE, DOCE, TRECE, CATORCE, QUINCE DIEZ Y SEIS, DIEZ Y SIETE, DIEZ VEINTIDOS, VEINTITRES, VEINTICUATRO, VEINTICINCO TREINTA Y SEIS, TREINTA Y SIETE, TREINTA Y OCHO TREINTA Y NUEVE WELL, DON'S OFF TO A REALLY GREAT START THERE.
REMEMBER, THE PARAGUAYAN HAS GO 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27.
4 SECONDS TO BEAT.
Y OCHO, NOVECIENTOS NOVENTA Y NUEVE MIL.
COMING! WELL, WE'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK THERE AS SOON AS THERE ARE ANY DEVELOPMENTS.
WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT SOMETHING IS HAPPENING IN THE HIDE-AND-SEEK FINAL, SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER THERE.
HELLO AGAIN, AND WELCOME TO MADAGASCAR WHERE FRANCISCO HURON IS SEEKING DON ROBERTS.
AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT HE'S BEEN UNOFFICIALLY DESCRIBED AS "COLD.
" AH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT HURON HAS REQUESTED A PLANE TICKET TO BUDAPES SO HE'S DEFINITELY GETTING WARMER.
SO WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN IN JUST A FEW YEARS.
REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
WELL, HERE WE ARE ON THE VERY LAST DAY OF THIS FANTASTIC FINAL.
HURON NOW HAS LESS THAN 12 HOURS LEF TO FIND BRITISH ACE DON ROBERTS.
EARLY THIS MORNING, HE FINISHED COMBING THE OUTSKIRTS OF LISBON AND NOW HE SEEMS TO HAVE STAKED EVERYTHING ON ONE FINAL DESPERATE SEEK HERE IN THE TAGUS VALLEY.
BUT ROBERTS IS OVER 1,500 MILES AWAY AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALL OVER, BAR THE SHOUTING.
THE SANDS OF TIME ARE RUNNING OUT FOR THIS DELVING DAGO THIS SENOR OF SEEK, THIS PERSPICACIOUS PARAGUAYAN.
HE'S STILL DESPERATELY COLD AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE ANOTHER GOLD FOR BRITAIN.
PREGO! PREGO, SIGNORE! THERE HE IS! ALL RIGHT.
THE OFFICIAL RESULT OF THE WORLD HIDE-AND-SEEK.
MR.
DON ROBERTS, FROM HINCKLEY, LEICESTERSHIRE: 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
MR.
FRANCISCO HURON, PARAGUAY: 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
THE RESULT A TIE.
A TIE WHAT A FANTASTIC RESULT! WELL, THE REPLAY WILL STAR TOMORROW AT 7:30 A.
M.
WELL, HELLO AGAIN.
NICE TO BE BACK.
GLAD TO SEE THE SHOW'S BEEN GOING WELL.
WELL, NOW, SORRY ABOUT MON-TRERX.
THAT WAS A LITTLE ITEM ENTITLED "HIDE-AND-SEEK.
" VERY ANARCHIC, VERY EFFECTIVE, NOT QUITE MY CUP OF TEA BUT VERY NICE FOR THE YOUNGER PEOPLE.
WELL, THE NEXT ITEM THE BOYS HAVE PUT TOGETHER TAKES PLACE IN A SITTING ROOM.
SORRY IT'S JUST A SITTING ROOM, BUT THE BANK ACCOUNT'S A BIT LOW AFTER THE APPALLINGLY EXPENSIVE PRODUCTION OF CLOCHMERLE.
THIS IS A TOTALLY FREE INTERRUPTION AND NO MONEY HAS CHANGED HANDS WHATEVER.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, DARLING.
GRAVY? YES, PLEASE, DEAR.
OH, DEAR, THAT'LL BE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS FROM NEXT DOOR.
COME IN.
NO! JUS BREATHING HEAVILY! OH, WE JUST DROPPED IN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME THROUGH? OH, YES.
WELL, GOOD NIGH AND GIVE US A KISS.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A VERY NICE EVENING.
AFTER YOU, DEAR.
RIGHT-O! WHOA! WHOA! OH, HONESTLY, DEAR, WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING JUST BECAUSE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS HAVE ONE? THIS IS NO AN INTERRUPTION AT ALL.
IT'S JUST NEIGHBORLINESS, DEAR, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD TRY AND LEAD OUR OWN LIVES FROM NOW ON.
OOH! CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS FOR JUST ONE MOMENT? DARLING, I'M SORRY I WAS CROSS EARLIER.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
IT'S JUST THA I GET SO SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING TO BE LIKE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS.
YES, WELL, FROM NOW ON WE'LL BE LIKE OURSELVES.
OH, ROGER! OH, BEATRICE! MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY WORRIED ABOUT BULLFIGHTING.
THEY SAY IT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL, VICIOUS AND IMMORAL BUT ALSO BLATANTLY UNFAIR.
THE BULL IS HEAVY, VIOLENT, ABUSIVE AND AGGRESSIVE WITH FOUR LEGS AND GREAT SHARP TEETH WHEREAS THE BULLFIGHTER IS ONLY A SMALL, GREASY SPANIARD.
GIVEN THIS BASIC INEQUALITY WHAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE BULLFIGHTING SAFER? WE ASKED BRIGADIER ARTHUR FARQUAR-SMITH CHAIRMAN OF THE BRITISH WELL-BASICALLY CLUB.
WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S QUITE APPAREN THAT THESE MINUSCULE DAGO CHAPPIES HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
THEY PRANCE ROUND THE BULL LIKE A LOT OF BALLY NIGHTCLUB DANCERS LOOKING LIKE THE YOUNGER GENERATION OR A LESS SMOOTH VERSION OF THE LIONEL BLAIR TROUPE WITH MUCH OF THE STACCATO RHYTHMS OF THE IRVING DAVIES DANCERS AT THE HEIGHT OF THEIR SUCCESS.
IN RECENT YEARS PAN'S PEOPLE HAVE OFTEN RECAPTURED A LYRICISM AND WHAT WE MUST DO NOW IS TO USE DEVICES LIKE RADAR TO LOCATE THE BULL AND SAM MISSILES FIRED FROM UNDERGROUND SILOS TO KNOCK THE BULL OVER.
THEN I WOULD SEND IN SCOTTISH BOYS WITH AIR COVER TO PROVIDE A DIVERSION FOR THE BULL WHILST THE NAVY CAME IN ROUND THE BACK AND FINISHED HIM OFF.
THAT TO ME WOULD BE BULLFIGHTING AND NOT THIS PANSY KIND OF LYRICAL, EVOCATIVE MOVEMEN WHICH GEORGE BALANCHINE AND MARTHA GRAHAM IN THE STATES AND OUR VERY OWN SADLER'S WELLS TROOPS COULD BE USED IN AN AUXILIARY ROLE IN INTERNATIONAL CHESS, WHERE WHAT? I'LL PUT THE LIGHTS ON AGAIN FOR A POUND.
I'M SORRY ABOU THIS INTERRUPTION BUT WE'LL SOON PUT THINGS RIGH WITH JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE PUSH OF A BUTTON.
OH, OW! HELP! OH, NO! OH! OH, DEAR! THAT'S OKAY NO, NO, PLEASE.
OH, OH-OH! WOW! OH! NO, NO, NO! OH, OH, DEAR! OW! OH! "EXTRA" HOLTMEHR SCHMUTZ AUS IHRER WAESCHE.
SEHEN SIE SELBST.
WHAT? I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN INCLUDED IN ZIS CARTOON.
THAT'S A BLOODY LIE! IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THIS WHOLE THING IS LOADED WITH POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE.
I WAS RIGHT.
THIS IS THE PLANET ALGON FIFTH WORLD IN THE SYSTEM OF ALDEBARAN THE RED GIANT IN THE CONSTELLATION OF SAGITTARIUS.
HERE AN ORDINARY CUP OF DRINKING CHOCOLATE COSTS £4 MILLION.
AN IMMERSION HEATER FOR THE HOT-WATER TANK COSTS OVER £6 BILLION AND A PAIR OF SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES WOULD BE ALMOST UNOBTAINABLE.
A SIMPLE REAR-WINDOW DEMISTING DEVICE FOR AN 1100 COSTS £8,000 MILLION BILLION AND A NEW ELEMENT FOR AN ELECTRIC KETTLE LIKE THIS WOULD COST AS MUCH AS THE ENTIRE GROSS NATIONAL PRODUC OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM 1770 TO THE YEAR 2000 AND EVEN THEN, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE SMALL FIXING RING WHICH ATTACHES IT TO THE KETTLE.
WELL, OUR COMPUTERS HAVE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY TO TRY AND ANALYZE THE DRAMATIC INFORMATION THAT'S COMING IN FROM THIS FIRST EVER INTERGALACTIC PROBE, ALGON I.
AND WE'RE JUST GETTING AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT NOW WHICH IS THAT ATTACHMENTS FOR ROTARY MOWERS THAT IS, MOWERS THAT HAVE A CENTRAL CIRCULAR BLADE ARE RELATIVELY INEXPENSIVE! STILL IN THE REGION OF NINE TO TEN MILLION POUNDS BUT IT DOES SEEM TO INDICATE THAT ALGON MIGHT BE A VERY GOOD PLANE FOR THOSE WITH LARGER GARDENS OR PERHAPS EVEN AN ORCHARD THAT'S BEEN LEFT FOR TWO YEARS NEEDS SOME HEAVY WORK, SOME WEEDING.
BUT WE'RE NOW GETTING SOME LIVE PICTURES THROUGH FROM ALGON! HARRY, PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH THEM.
VERY LITTLE EVIDENCE OF SHOPPING FACILITIES HERE.
THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANY LARGE SUPERMARKETS.
THERE MAY BE SOME ON-THE-CORNER GROCERY STORES BEHIND THOSE ROCKS BUT IT'S DIFFICUL TO TELL FROM THIS ANGLE.
IT DOES SEEM TO SUGGES THAT MOST OF THE SHOPPING HERE IS BY DIRECT MAIL.
WELL, OF COURSE THE BIG QUESTION THAT EVERYONE'S ASKING HERE IS WHAT ABOUT THOSE SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES? ARE THEY GOING TO BE UNOBTAINABLE THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE, OR MERELY ON ALGON ITSELF? PROFESSOR? WE MUST REMEMBER THAT ALGON IS OVER 75,000 MILES WIDE.
THE PROBE'S COME DOWN IN THIS AREA HERE AND WE'RE REALLY ONLY GETTING SIGNALS FROM A RADIUS OF 30 OR 40 MILES AROUND THE PROBE.
SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES, OR INDEED ANY ITEMS OF WHAT WE SCIENTISTS CALL "SEXY UNDERWEAR" OR "EROTIC LINGERIE" MAY BE MUCH MORE PLENTIFUL ON OTHER PARTS OF THE PLANET.
PROFESSOR, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING SCANTY-PANTIES AND GOLDEN GODDESS HIGH-LIFT BRAS ON PLANETS WHICH WEREN' THOUGHT ABLE TO SUSTAIN LIFE.
AND NOW THAT MAN HAS DISCOVERED A NEW GALAXY DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE UNDERWEAR BECOME EVEN NAUGHTIER? OH, NAUGHTIER AND NAUGHTIER.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THE PROBE ITSELF HAS EXCITED A GREAT DEAL OF INTERES FOR IT CONTAINS URANIUM-BASED DUAL TRANSMISSION CELLS ENTIRELY RECHARGED BY SOLAR RADIATION WHICH CAN TAKE OFF A BRA AND PANTIES IN LESS THAN 15 SECONDS.
IT IS, OF COURSE, THE FIRS PIECE OF SPACE HARDWARE TO BE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO UNDRESS LADIES AND SO THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME TEETHING TROUBLES SUCH AS HOW TO COPE WITH THE COMBINATION OF ELASTIC-SIDED BOOTS AND TIGHTS.
BUT I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOME PICTURES NOW FROM ALGON ITSELF AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH YES! THE SATELLITE HAS FOUND A BIRD! THE PROBE HAS STRUCK CRUMPET, AND SHE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, TOO! PROFESSOR? JA, SHE'S A REAL HONEY! WELL, THE PICTURES ARE A BIT SPORADIC.
I THINK PROBABLY THE SOLAR RADIATION DURING THE LONG JOURNEY TO ALGON HOY! LOOK! OH, DEAR, I'M SORRY.
WE'VE LOST CONTACT.
WE'LL TRY AND REESTABLISH CONTACT WITH ALGON HELLO, THE BBC HAVE OFFERED ME THE SUM OF 40p TO READ THE CREDITS OF THIS SHOW.
PERSONALLY, I THOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE HELD OU FOR THE FULL 75, BU THE BBC HAVE EXPLAINED TO ME ABOUT THEIR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES AND, UH, I DECIDED TO ACCEP THE REDUCED OFFER.
SO, "THE SHOW WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED "BY THE USUAL LOT.
"ALSO APPEARING WERE "CAROL CLEVELAND, MARIE ANDERSON, MRS.
IDLE; "MAKEUP, MADELAINE GAFFNEY; "COSTUMES, HAZEL PETHIG; ANIMATIONS BY TERRY GILLIAM; "VISUAL EFFECTS DESIGNER, BERNARD WILKIE; "GRAPHICS, BOB BLAGDEN; "FILM CAMERAMAN, ALAN FEATHERSTONE; "FILM EDITOR, RAY MILLICHOPE; SOUND, RICHARD CHUBB; "LIGHTING, BILL BAILEY; DESIGNER, BOB BERK; "PRODUCED BY IAN MacNAUGHTON "FOR 92p AND A BOTTLE OF BELLS WHISKY.
IT WAS A BBC COLOUR PRODUCTION.
" UH, I THINK THAT'S JUST IT.
I'D LIKE TO SAY IF THERE ARE ANY BBC PRODUCERS LOOKING IN WHO NEED PEOPLE TO READ THE CREDITS FOR THEM I WOULD PERSONALLY
YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR TEA.
OUR DESTINATION IS GLASGOW.
THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC.
THERE'S A BOMB ONBOARD THIS PLANE AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS FOR A THOUSAND POUNDS.
I DON' BELIEVE YOU.
IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS IF I DON'T GIVE YOU THE MONEY UNLESS YOU GIVE ME THE BOMB THE MONEY.
THE MONEY THANK YOU, PRETTY LADY THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE, KILLING EVERYBODY.
INCLUDING YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS FOR A POUND.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A POUND.
I DON'T WAN SCOTTISH MONEY.
THEY'VE GO THE NUMBERS.
IT CAN BE TRACED.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB? I CAN'T REMEMBER.
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN? AYE, YOU'D BETTER HAVE YOUR POUND BACK.
OH FINGERPRINTS.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB? WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
MY FIRST IS IN GLASGOW, BUT NOT IN SPAIN.
MY SECOND IS IN STEAMER, BUT NOT IN TRAIN.
MY WHOLE IS IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT ON THE PLANE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE BOMB IS FOR A POUND.
IT'S IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT.
RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR POUND.
IS THIS CHARACTER GIVING YOU ANY TROUBLE? HE'S JUST RUINED THIS SKETCH.
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
LET'S GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
I WON'T RUIN YOUR SKETCH FOR A POUND.
NO, NO.
75p.
NEXT ITEM.
WELL, I SEE MY ROLE IN IT AS OH, HOW CAN I PUT IT THE NUDE MAN AS SORT OF SYMBOLIZING THE TWO SEPARATE STRANDS OF EXISTENCE THE ESSENTIAL NUDITY OF MAN OH, UM IT'S A VERY INTERESTING QUESTION.
PERSONALLY, I RATHER ADHERE TO THE BERGSONIAN IDEA OF LAUGHTER AS A SOCIAL SANCTION AGAINST INFLEXIBLE BEHAVIOR, BUT EXCUSE ME.
AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
WELL, WE'LL BE CONTINUING WITH MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS IN JUST A MOMENT.
YES, YES, WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE SHOW IN JUST ONE MOMENT FROM NOW.
THIS NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENT IN BRISTOL IS ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING IN THE COUNTRY.
IT'S USING A VARIETY OF NEW TECHNIQUES SHOCKPROOF CURTAIN WALLING A CENTRAL HIGH-VOLTAGE, SELF- GENERATING ELECTRICITY SOURCE AND EXTRUDED ACRYLIC FIBERGLASS FITMENTS.
IT'S ALSO THE FIRST MAJOR HOUSING PROJECT IN BRITAIN TO BE BUILT ENTIRELY BY CHARACTERS BY 19th-CENTURY HERE, LITTLE NELL FROM DICKENS' OLD CURIOSITY SHOP FITS NEW NYLON SIPHONS INTO THE ASBESTOS-LINED CEILING.
BUT IT'S THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM WHICH HAS ATTRACTED THE MOST ATTENTION.
ARTHUR HUNTINGTON, WHO HELEN GRAHAM MARRIED AS A YOUNG GIRL AND WHOSE SHAMELESS CONDUC EVENTUALLY DROVE HER BACK TO HER BROTHER, LAWRENCE IN ANNE BRONTE'S THE TENANT OF WILDFELL HALL DESCRIBES WHY IT'S UNIQUE.
BECAUSE, SIR, IT IS SELF-GENERATING.
BECAUSE WE HAVE HARNESSED HERE, IN THIS BOX THE VERY FORCES OF LIFE ITSELF THE VERY FORCES THAT WILL SEND HELEN RUNNING BACK TO BEG FORGIVENESS.
THE ON-SITE BUILDING TECHNIQUES INVOLVE THE CONSTRUCTION OF 12-FOOT WALLING BLOCKS BY A CROWD OF FARMHANDS FROM TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES SUPERVISED BY THE GENIAL LANDLADY, MRS.
JUPP FROM SAMUEL BUTLER'S WAY OF ALL FLESH.
IN CONTRAST TO THE SITE IN BRISTOL IS PROGRESS HERE ON BRITAIN'S FIRS 18-LEVEL MOTORWAY INTERCHANGE BEING BUILT BY CHARACTERS FROM MILTON'S PARADISE LOST.
WHAT WENT WRONG HERE? WELL, NOBODY REALLY GOT ON.
SATAN DIDN'T GET ON WITH EVE UH ARCHANGEL GABRIEL DIDN'T GET ON WITH SATAN.
NOBODY GOT ON WITH THE SERPENT.
SO NOW THEY HAVE TO WORK A ROTA FORCES OF GOOD FROM 10:00 TILL 3:00 FORCES OF EVIL, 3:00 TILL 6:00.
BUT EVEN MORE MODERN BUILDING TECHNIQUES ARE BEING USED ON AN EXPANDING NEW TOWN SITE NEAR PETERBOROUGH.
HERE, THE AMAZING MYSTICO AND JANE CAN PUT UP A BLOCK OF FLATS BY HYPNOSIS IN UNDER A MINUTE.
THE LOCAL COUNCIL HERE HAVE OVER 50 HYPNOSIS-INDUCED 25-STORY BLOCKS PUT UP BY EL MYSTICO AND JANET.
I ASKED MR.
KEN VERYBIGLIAR THE ADVANTAGES OF HYPNOSIS COMPARED TO OTHER BUILDING METHODS.
OH, THERE IS A CONSIDERABLE FINANCIAL ADVANTAGE IN USING THE SERVICES OF EL MYSTICO.
A BLOCK, LIKE MYSTICO POINT HERE WOULD NORMALLY COS IN THE REGION OF £1½ MILLION.
BUT THIS WAS PUT UP FOR FIVE POUNDS AND 30 BOB FOR JANET.
BUT THE OBVIOUS QUESTION IS, ARE THEY SAFE? OF COURSE THEY'RE SAFE.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO DOUB ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE AS STRONG, SOLID AND AS SAFE AS ANY OTHER BUILDING METHOD IN THIS COUNTRY PROVIDED, OF COURSE, PEOPLE BELIEVE IN THEM.
YES, WE RECEIVED A NOTE FROM THE COUNCIL SAYING THAT IF WE CEASED TO BELIEVE IN THIS BUILDING IT WOULD FALL DOWN.
YOU DON'T MIND LIVING IN A FIGMENT OF ANOTHER MAN'S IMAGINATION? NO, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN WHERE WE USED TO LIVE.
WHERE DID YOU USED TO LIVE? WE HAD AN 18-ROOM VILLA OVERLOOKING NICE.
REALLY? THAT SOUNDS MUCH BETTER.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH, NO, NO, NO! OF COURSE NOT.
PHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE.
BUT THE CONSTRUCTION OF THESE VAST NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS PROVIDING HOMES FOR MANY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE IS NOT THE ONLY PROJECT TO WHICH HE HAS APPLIED HIS MANY TALENTS.
HE ALSO HAS AN INFALLIBLE POOLS METHOD A SCHOOL OF SPANISH DANCING AND A CAR HIRE SERVICE.
WHAT'S THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND A MAN OF SUCH RESTLESS ENERGIES AND BOUNDLESS VISION? HERE, AS WITH SO MANY GREAT MEN OF HISTORY THE ANSWER LIES IN A WOMAN.
AS ANTONY HAS HIS CLEOPATRA AS NAPOLEON HAS HIS JOSEPHINE SO MYSTICO HAS HIS JANET.
YES, JANET, A QUIET, SHY GIRL AN HONORS GRADUATE FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY AMERICAN JUNIOR SPRIN RECORD HOLDER EX-WORLD SKATING CHAMPION, NOBEL PRIZE WINNER ARCHITECT, NOVELIST AND SURGEON.
THE GIRL WHO HELPED CRACK THE OPPENHEIMER SPY RING IN 1947 SHE GAVE VITAL EVIDENCE TO THE SENATE NARCOTICS COMMISSION IN 1958.
SHE ALSO HELPED TO CONVICT THE WOMAN AT THE CHEMIST'S IN 1961 AND A YEAR LATER, SHE GAVE POLICE INFORMATION WHICH LED TO THE ARRES OF HER POSTMAN.
IN OCTOBER OF THAT SAME YEAR SHE SECURED THE CONVICTION OF HER GARDENER FOR BIGAMY AND THREE MONTHS LATER PERSONALLY LED THE POLICE SWOOP ON THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR.
IN 1967, SHE BECAME SUSPICIOUS OF THE MAN AT THE GARAGE AND IT WAS HER DOGGED PERSEVERANCE AND RELENTLESS INQUIRIES THAT, TWO YEARS LATER, FINALLY SECURED HIS CONVICTION FOR NOT HAVING A LICENSE FOR HIS CAR RADIO.
HE WAS HANGED AT LEEDS A YEAR LATER DESPITE THE ABOLITION OF CAPITAL PUNISHMEN AND THE PUBLIC OUTCRY.
ALSO IN LEEDS THAT YEAR, A LOCAL BUTCHER WAS HANGED FOR DEFAULTING ON MORTGAGE REPAYMENTS AND A MR.
JARVIS WAS ELECTROCUTED FOR SHOUTING IN THE CORRIDOR.
WE ADMIT THERE HAVE BEEN OUTBREAKS OF HANGING RECENTLY BUT THE POLICE ARE TRYING TO KEEP THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.
YOU MUST REMEMBER THE COURTS ARE VERY BUSY AT THE MOMEN AND THE ODD DEATH SENTENCE IS BOUND TO SLIP THROUGH.
ELECTROCUTIONS ARE ANOTHER BIG WORRY BUT WE HOPE THAT GUILLOTINING HAS BEEN ERADICATED FROM THE URBAN AREAS AND GARROTING IS CONFINED ALMOST ENTIRELY TO LUTON.
SO IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN PRISON OR UNDER SENTENCE OF DEATH BE SURE TO LET US KNOW AT THIS ADDRESS.
and Premier Chou En-lai who called it "a major breakthrough.
" Twelve men were accidentally hanged at Whitby Assizes this afternoon whilst considering their verdict.
This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice in Britain since Tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine here on wonderful Radio One-One-One so if you're still lying in your big, big bed now's the time to get up out of it.
We've got another 13 hours of tiptop sounds here on Wonderful Radio One.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells or have completed the process of evolution there's a wonderful day ah MUST BE ON RADIO FOUR.
RADIO TWO RADIO THREE RADIO FOUR.
It's 9:00 and time for Mortuary Hour an hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery for all those who work in mortuaries introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey.
Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.
TURN THAT RADIO OFF AND LOOK LIVELY.
IT'S MORTUARY HOUR, MR.
WANG.
DON'T ARGUE, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS OUR MORTUARY IN HERE, YOUR GRACE.
I SAY, I SAY, I, UH I, UH I, UH I, UH I, I, I, UH I, UH I, UH I I I I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
WELL, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF IT HERE, SIR.
IT'S ONE OF THE MOS UP-TO-DATE IN THE COUNTRY.
I SEE, YES, YES, YES.
NOW, UM WHAT ARE OH, UH WHAT ARE UH WHAT ARE WHAT WHAT ARE WHAT IS IT? IS IT A POWER STATION? NO, YOUR GRACE, IT'S A MORTUARY.
I SEE, I SEE, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
WELL, IT HAS ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED THERMOSTAT CONTROL SYSTEMS IN THE COUNTRY AND IT HAS COMPUTER CONTROL STORAGE FACILITIES.
I SEE, I SEE.
I, UM I, UH OH, I I, UH I, UH I I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOGGIE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR GRACE? I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOG.
OH, DEAR.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD POSTPONE THE VISIT.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU SEE, IT'S JUST THA HIS BRAIN IS SO TINY THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMEN CAN DISLODGE IT.
YOUR GRACE? YOUR GRACE? OH, DEAR, IT'S RATHER LIKE ONE OF THOSE GAMES YOU PLAY WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET THE BALL INTO THE HOLE AH! EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
NOW THEN, UH UH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE STEEL IS POURED INTO THE INGOTS? PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE NEW SHOWERS.
YES, YES, YES, RATHER.
YES, YES, YES, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, NO FEAR.
Well, the answers were as follows: Number one, the left hand; two, no; three, normal; four, yes, it has, in 1963 when a bird got caught in the mechanism.
TURN THAT THING OFF.
IT'S "MORTUARY DANCE TIME," MR.
WANG.
NEVER MIND THAT, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
I'VE JUST HAD WHITBY POLICE ON THE PHONE WITH 12 HANGEES.
OH, YEAH, WE JUST HEARD ABOUT THAT ON THE RADIOS.
NO, THESE ARE 12 DIFFERENT ONES, SO SHTOOM.
I'LL NOT INTERRUP THIS SKETCH FOR A POUND.
WHAT? FOR ONE POUND I'LL LEAVE THE SKETCH TOTALLY UNINTERRUPTED.
50p? I'M PREPARED TO NEGOTIATE A 40p DEAL.
FOR 35p, I WON'T INTERRUP ANY OF THE NEXT THREE ITEMS.
NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
25p? NO.
10p AND A KISS.
YOU SEE, IT'S VERY SIMPLE I JUST TAKE THESE CUTOUT FIGURES AND BY PUTTING THEM TOGETHER WHAT? OH, YOU MEAN WE'RE ON.
SORRY.
HMM? WAIT, NIGEL.
I'VE GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING WE'RE BEING WATCHED.
OH, MY GOD, ROSE, IT'S THE POLICE.
RUN FOR IT! OH, LUNCH BREAK.
GOTT IN HIMMEL! IT'S COMING! MEANWHILE, 55 YEARS LATER BACK IN LONDON HELLO, GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND LEG OF THE OLYMPIC FINAL OF THE MEN'S HIDE-AND-SEEK HERE IN THE HEAR OF BRITAIN'S LONDON.
WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUS A COUPLE OF MOMENTS FROM NOW AND THERE YOU CAN SEE THE TWO COMPETITORS FRANCISCO HURON, THE PARAGUAYAN WHO, IN THIS LEG, IS THE SEEKER AND THERE'S THE MAN HE'LL BE LOOKING FOR OUR OWN DON ROBERTS FROM HINCKLEY IN LEICESTERSHIRE WHO, HIS TRAINER TELLS ME IS AT THE HEIGH OF HIS SELF-SECRETING FORM.
NOW, IN THE FIRST LEG, WHICH ENDED ON WEDNESDAY DON SUCCEEDED IN FINDING THE PARAGUAYAN IN THE NEW WORLD RECORD TIME OF 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS NINE HOURS, THREE MINUTES, 27.
4 SECONDS IN A SWEET SHOP IN KILMARNOCK.
AND NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS.
ON YOUR MARKS GET SET UNO, DOS, TRES, CUATRO, QUINCE SEIS, SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIEZ ONCE, DOCE, TRECE, CATORCE, QUINCE DIEZ Y SEIS, DIEZ Y SIETE, DIEZ VEINTIDOS, VEINTITRES, VEINTICUATRO, VEINTICINCO TREINTA Y SEIS, TREINTA Y SIETE, TREINTA Y OCHO TREINTA Y NUEVE WELL, DON'S OFF TO A REALLY GREAT START THERE.
REMEMBER, THE PARAGUAYAN HAS GO 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27.
4 SECONDS TO BEAT.
Y OCHO, NOVECIENTOS NOVENTA Y NUEVE MIL.
COMING! WELL, WE'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK THERE AS SOON AS THERE ARE ANY DEVELOPMENTS.
WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT SOMETHING IS HAPPENING IN THE HIDE-AND-SEEK FINAL, SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER THERE.
HELLO AGAIN, AND WELCOME TO MADAGASCAR WHERE FRANCISCO HURON IS SEEKING DON ROBERTS.
AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT HE'S BEEN UNOFFICIALLY DESCRIBED AS "COLD.
" AH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT HURON HAS REQUESTED A PLANE TICKET TO BUDAPES SO HE'S DEFINITELY GETTING WARMER.
SO WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN IN JUST A FEW YEARS.
REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
WELL, HERE WE ARE ON THE VERY LAST DAY OF THIS FANTASTIC FINAL.
HURON NOW HAS LESS THAN 12 HOURS LEF TO FIND BRITISH ACE DON ROBERTS.
EARLY THIS MORNING, HE FINISHED COMBING THE OUTSKIRTS OF LISBON AND NOW HE SEEMS TO HAVE STAKED EVERYTHING ON ONE FINAL DESPERATE SEEK HERE IN THE TAGUS VALLEY.
BUT ROBERTS IS OVER 1,500 MILES AWAY AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALL OVER, BAR THE SHOUTING.
THE SANDS OF TIME ARE RUNNING OUT FOR THIS DELVING DAGO THIS SENOR OF SEEK, THIS PERSPICACIOUS PARAGUAYAN.
HE'S STILL DESPERATELY COLD AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE ANOTHER GOLD FOR BRITAIN.
PREGO! PREGO, SIGNORE! THERE HE IS! ALL RIGHT.
THE OFFICIAL RESULT OF THE WORLD HIDE-AND-SEEK.
MR.
DON ROBERTS, FROM HINCKLEY, LEICESTERSHIRE: 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
MR.
FRANCISCO HURON, PARAGUAY: 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
THE RESULT A TIE.
A TIE WHAT A FANTASTIC RESULT! WELL, THE REPLAY WILL STAR TOMORROW AT 7:30 A.
M.
WELL, HELLO AGAIN.
NICE TO BE BACK.
GLAD TO SEE THE SHOW'S BEEN GOING WELL.
WELL, NOW, SORRY ABOUT MON-TRERX.
THAT WAS A LITTLE ITEM ENTITLED "HIDE-AND-SEEK.
" VERY ANARCHIC, VERY EFFECTIVE, NOT QUITE MY CUP OF TEA BUT VERY NICE FOR THE YOUNGER PEOPLE.
WELL, THE NEXT ITEM THE BOYS HAVE PUT TOGETHER TAKES PLACE IN A SITTING ROOM.
SORRY IT'S JUST A SITTING ROOM, BUT THE BANK ACCOUNT'S A BIT LOW AFTER THE APPALLINGLY EXPENSIVE PRODUCTION OF CLOCHMERLE.
THIS IS A TOTALLY FREE INTERRUPTION AND NO MONEY HAS CHANGED HANDS WHATEVER.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, DARLING.
GRAVY? YES, PLEASE, DEAR.
OH, DEAR, THAT'LL BE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS FROM NEXT DOOR.
COME IN.
NO! JUS BREATHING HEAVILY! OH, WE JUST DROPPED IN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME THROUGH? OH, YES.
WELL, GOOD NIGH AND GIVE US A KISS.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A VERY NICE EVENING.
AFTER YOU, DEAR.
RIGHT-O! WHOA! WHOA! OH, HONESTLY, DEAR, WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING JUST BECAUSE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS HAVE ONE? THIS IS NO AN INTERRUPTION AT ALL.
IT'S JUST NEIGHBORLINESS, DEAR, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD TRY AND LEAD OUR OWN LIVES FROM NOW ON.
OOH! CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS FOR JUST ONE MOMENT? DARLING, I'M SORRY I WAS CROSS EARLIER.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
IT'S JUST THA I GET SO SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING TO BE LIKE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS.
YES, WELL, FROM NOW ON WE'LL BE LIKE OURSELVES.
OH, ROGER! OH, BEATRICE! MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY WORRIED ABOUT BULLFIGHTING.
THEY SAY IT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL, VICIOUS AND IMMORAL BUT ALSO BLATANTLY UNFAIR.
THE BULL IS HEAVY, VIOLENT, ABUSIVE AND AGGRESSIVE WITH FOUR LEGS AND GREAT SHARP TEETH WHEREAS THE BULLFIGHTER IS ONLY A SMALL, GREASY SPANIARD.
GIVEN THIS BASIC INEQUALITY WHAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE BULLFIGHTING SAFER? WE ASKED BRIGADIER ARTHUR FARQUAR-SMITH CHAIRMAN OF THE BRITISH WELL-BASICALLY CLUB.
WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S QUITE APPAREN THAT THESE MINUSCULE DAGO CHAPPIES HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
THEY PRANCE ROUND THE BULL LIKE A LOT OF BALLY NIGHTCLUB DANCERS LOOKING LIKE THE YOUNGER GENERATION OR A LESS SMOOTH VERSION OF THE LIONEL BLAIR TROUPE WITH MUCH OF THE STACCATO RHYTHMS OF THE IRVING DAVIES DANCERS AT THE HEIGHT OF THEIR SUCCESS.
IN RECENT YEARS PAN'S PEOPLE HAVE OFTEN RECAPTURED A LYRICISM AND WHAT WE MUST DO NOW IS TO USE DEVICES LIKE RADAR TO LOCATE THE BULL AND SAM MISSILES FIRED FROM UNDERGROUND SILOS TO KNOCK THE BULL OVER.
THEN I WOULD SEND IN SCOTTISH BOYS WITH AIR COVER TO PROVIDE A DIVERSION FOR THE BULL WHILST THE NAVY CAME IN ROUND THE BACK AND FINISHED HIM OFF.
THAT TO ME WOULD BE BULLFIGHTING AND NOT THIS PANSY KIND OF LYRICAL, EVOCATIVE MOVEMEN WHICH GEORGE BALANCHINE AND MARTHA GRAHAM IN THE STATES AND OUR VERY OWN SADLER'S WELLS TROOPS COULD BE USED IN AN AUXILIARY ROLE IN INTERNATIONAL CHESS, WHERE WHAT? I'LL PUT THE LIGHTS ON AGAIN FOR A POUND.
I'M SORRY ABOU THIS INTERRUPTION BUT WE'LL SOON PUT THINGS RIGH WITH JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE PUSH OF A BUTTON.
OH, OW! HELP! OH, NO! OH! OH, DEAR! THAT'S OKAY NO, NO, PLEASE.
OH, OH-OH! WOW! OH! NO, NO, NO! OH, OH, DEAR! OW! OH! "EXTRA" HOLTMEHR SCHMUTZ AUS IHRER WAESCHE.
SEHEN SIE SELBST.
WHAT? I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN INCLUDED IN ZIS CARTOON.
THAT'S A BLOODY LIE! IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THIS WHOLE THING IS LOADED WITH POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE.
I WAS RIGHT.
THIS IS THE PLANET ALGON FIFTH WORLD IN THE SYSTEM OF ALDEBARAN THE RED GIANT IN THE CONSTELLATION OF SAGITTARIUS.
HERE AN ORDINARY CUP OF DRINKING CHOCOLATE COSTS £4 MILLION.
AN IMMERSION HEATER FOR THE HOT-WATER TANK COSTS OVER £6 BILLION AND A PAIR OF SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES WOULD BE ALMOST UNOBTAINABLE.
A SIMPLE REAR-WINDOW DEMISTING DEVICE FOR AN 1100 COSTS £8,000 MILLION BILLION AND A NEW ELEMENT FOR AN ELECTRIC KETTLE LIKE THIS WOULD COST AS MUCH AS THE ENTIRE GROSS NATIONAL PRODUC OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM 1770 TO THE YEAR 2000 AND EVEN THEN, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE SMALL FIXING RING WHICH ATTACHES IT TO THE KETTLE.
WELL, OUR COMPUTERS HAVE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY TO TRY AND ANALYZE THE DRAMATIC INFORMATION THAT'S COMING IN FROM THIS FIRST EVER INTERGALACTIC PROBE, ALGON I.
AND WE'RE JUST GETTING AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT NOW WHICH IS THAT ATTACHMENTS FOR ROTARY MOWERS THAT IS, MOWERS THAT HAVE A CENTRAL CIRCULAR BLADE ARE RELATIVELY INEXPENSIVE! STILL IN THE REGION OF NINE TO TEN MILLION POUNDS BUT IT DOES SEEM TO INDICATE THAT ALGON MIGHT BE A VERY GOOD PLANE FOR THOSE WITH LARGER GARDENS OR PERHAPS EVEN AN ORCHARD THAT'S BEEN LEFT FOR TWO YEARS NEEDS SOME HEAVY WORK, SOME WEEDING.
BUT WE'RE NOW GETTING SOME LIVE PICTURES THROUGH FROM ALGON! HARRY, PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH THEM.
VERY LITTLE EVIDENCE OF SHOPPING FACILITIES HERE.
THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANY LARGE SUPERMARKETS.
THERE MAY BE SOME ON-THE-CORNER GROCERY STORES BEHIND THOSE ROCKS BUT IT'S DIFFICUL TO TELL FROM THIS ANGLE.
IT DOES SEEM TO SUGGES THAT MOST OF THE SHOPPING HERE IS BY DIRECT MAIL.
WELL, OF COURSE THE BIG QUESTION THAT EVERYONE'S ASKING HERE IS WHAT ABOUT THOSE SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES? ARE THEY GOING TO BE UNOBTAINABLE THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE, OR MERELY ON ALGON ITSELF? PROFESSOR? WE MUST REMEMBER THAT ALGON IS OVER 75,000 MILES WIDE.
THE PROBE'S COME DOWN IN THIS AREA HERE AND WE'RE REALLY ONLY GETTING SIGNALS FROM A RADIUS OF 30 OR 40 MILES AROUND THE PROBE.
SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES, OR INDEED ANY ITEMS OF WHAT WE SCIENTISTS CALL "SEXY UNDERWEAR" OR "EROTIC LINGERIE" MAY BE MUCH MORE PLENTIFUL ON OTHER PARTS OF THE PLANET.
PROFESSOR, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING SCANTY-PANTIES AND GOLDEN GODDESS HIGH-LIFT BRAS ON PLANETS WHICH WEREN' THOUGHT ABLE TO SUSTAIN LIFE.
AND NOW THAT MAN HAS DISCOVERED A NEW GALAXY DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE UNDERWEAR BECOME EVEN NAUGHTIER? OH, NAUGHTIER AND NAUGHTIER.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THE PROBE ITSELF HAS EXCITED A GREAT DEAL OF INTERES FOR IT CONTAINS URANIUM-BASED DUAL TRANSMISSION CELLS ENTIRELY RECHARGED BY SOLAR RADIATION WHICH CAN TAKE OFF A BRA AND PANTIES IN LESS THAN 15 SECONDS.
IT IS, OF COURSE, THE FIRS PIECE OF SPACE HARDWARE TO BE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO UNDRESS LADIES AND SO THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME TEETHING TROUBLES SUCH AS HOW TO COPE WITH THE COMBINATION OF ELASTIC-SIDED BOOTS AND TIGHTS.
BUT I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOME PICTURES NOW FROM ALGON ITSELF AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH YES! THE SATELLITE HAS FOUND A BIRD! THE PROBE HAS STRUCK CRUMPET, AND SHE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, TOO! PROFESSOR? JA, SHE'S A REAL HONEY! WELL, THE PICTURES ARE A BIT SPORADIC.
I THINK PROBABLY THE SOLAR RADIATION DURING THE LONG JOURNEY TO ALGON HOY! LOOK! OH, DEAR, I'M SORRY.
WE'VE LOST CONTACT.
WE'LL TRY AND REESTABLISH CONTACT WITH ALGON HELLO, THE BBC HAVE OFFERED ME THE SUM OF 40p TO READ THE CREDITS OF THIS SHOW.
PERSONALLY, I THOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE HELD OU FOR THE FULL 75, BU THE BBC HAVE EXPLAINED TO ME ABOUT THEIR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES AND, UH, I DECIDED TO ACCEP THE REDUCED OFFER.
SO, "THE SHOW WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED "BY THE USUAL LOT.
"ALSO APPEARING WERE "CAROL CLEVELAND, MARIE ANDERSON, MRS.
IDLE; "MAKEUP, MADELAINE GAFFNEY; "COSTUMES, HAZEL PETHIG; ANIMATIONS BY TERRY GILLIAM; "VISUAL EFFECTS DESIGNER, BERNARD WILKIE; "GRAPHICS, BOB BLAGDEN; "FILM CAMERAMAN, ALAN FEATHERSTONE; "FILM EDITOR, RAY MILLICHOPE; SOUND, RICHARD CHUBB; "LIGHTING, BILL BAILEY; DESIGNER, BOB BERK; "PRODUCED BY IAN MacNAUGHTON "FOR 92p AND A BOTTLE OF BELLS WHISKY.
IT WAS A BBC COLOUR PRODUCTION.
" UH, I THINK THAT'S JUST IT.
I'D LIKE TO SAY IF THERE ARE ANY BBC PRODUCERS LOOKING IN WHO NEED PEOPLE TO READ THE CREDITS FOR THEM I WOULD PERSONALLY