Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e09 Episode Script

FinaIIy, the crew of the Calypso and myseIf.
These boys have been at sea for a Iong time.
We're finaIIy Iooking for the great white in dangerous waters.
They say this is the bIack hoIe, the deep trench.
We don't know why we are here, but they pay us, we go anyway.
It is a very dangerous search so I send FaIco down, my assistant.
No, pIease, Jacques, no.
Quiet, FaIco, when you have your own speciaIs, you can give me stuff.
But, pIease, no.
No, pIease.
No, must I go down? Yes, you must go down there now.
No, pIease, no, no.
What do you see down there, FaIco? What does it Iook Iike there? What did you say? AII right, now, FaIco, what do you see when I send down this sucker to heIp you with your search? HoId on there.
At Iast, we have found him.
Erik Estrada.
Stunning.
Yes.
There you are, the great Jaws himseIf.
I'II get it.
No, you want to get it? It's aII right? Good.
Howdy, howdy, howdy, friend, and, hey, how are you doing? Ernest Travers is my name.
Insurance is my game.
Oh, good hands.
Where is your fire hat and your IittIe moose? My name is Mork.
WeII, Mr.
Mork, Iet me teII you something, buddy.
Today, today, Mr.
Mork, is your Iucky day.
- Oh, reaIIy? - Do you wanna know why? Is David Brenner not hosting The Tonight Show? Even better, buddy.
We are taIking about protection.
Oh, I know about protection.
Yo, Mr.
Mork, you can have a choice here.
You can either Iearn to dance or taIk sIowIy.
You can get 1 00 do-- I said, $1 00 a day, and aII you gotta do is get seriousIy injured.
Why, do you reaIise that one out of four peopIe get hospitaIised every year? Oh, what is this? - Some kind of setup for a sick joke? - No, no, no.
Friend, it's perfectIy true.
Why, seven peopIe have gotten sick just as I've been taIking to you.
Oh, reaIIy? Oh, no.
Oh, we shouId be taIking in sign Ianguage.
- And that's not aII.
- Oh, sir.
Why, there are over 4 miIIion automobiIe accidents every year.
Not to mention fires and earthquakes.
- And twisters.
- Oh, no.
A big oId twister of '4 7 screwed my granny right into the ground.
Oh, no.
Mondo Irwin AIIen.
But, son, you wiII be protected with our coverage for just a few measIy pennies a day.
Oh, who cares? Where do I sign? - Where do I sign? - Right here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Right there.
- Right there.
- Hi.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind.
Do you wanna sign here, buddy? - Who's your friend? - Howdy, ma'am.
Honest Ernest Travers, Pikes Peak CaIamity and Auto.
Nice to meet you.
Do you wanna sign here? Mork, you never sign anything before you read it.
Come on, Mind, I might go beIIy up between the O and the R.
Let's go.
No.
Mork, I reaIIy don't think you can afford insurance.
Sure I can.
It onIy costs a few measIy pennies.
The ones with President MeasIy on them.
How many measIy pennies? Now, madam, you cannot put a price tag on coverage Iike this.
How much? Oh, about 300 a month, but he's protected from any disaster.
Do you pIease wanna sign this thing, pIease? Gotta have this in case meatIoaf faIIs on me.
I don't wanna end up as a Hamburger HeIper.
- Mork.
- Trust me, trust me, friend.
Now, your heaIth and weIfare is our onIy concern.
He doesn't have any money.
Thank you very much and goodbye.
You can't just Ieave after scaring the bejeebies out of me.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, bye.
Mindy, he said bye.
Mind, I don't think-- White man come, take Bic.
Mind, I needed that protection.
Why wouIdn't you Iet me get it? Oh, Mork.
On Earth, some saIesmen aren't aIways ethicaI.
Besides, it sounds Iike he was using scare tactics to taIk you into something you don't need.
It worked.
There might be something awfuI Iurking outside the door.
Mork, there's nothing Iurking outside the door that wasn't there Iast night.
You're not sure? Behind you.
- You didn't faII for it, eh? - No.
Come on, Iet's make the checkIist for the trip.
You're gonna Iove YeIIowstone this time of year.
- It's so pretty.
- Yeah.
EspeciaIIy this time This time of year is winter, isn't it, Mind? Don't peopIe freeze their klarns off in winter? We're gonna be staying in a nice, warm Iodge.
Oh, that's better, yeah.
Nice, warm-- WeII, couIdn't that Iodge get reaI warm if it burned down, Mind? It's not gonna burn down.
Oh, yeah? What happens if some big Boy Scout rubs two rooms together? Mork, we've been pIanning this trip for weeks now.
You don't wanna disappoint NeIson and GIenda, do you? - Maybe.
- That saIesman made you paranoid.
Why do you say that, Mind? If you think about it IogicaIIy, what couId possibIy happen to you? - Come on, reaIIy.
- Yeah, you're right.
Be IogicaI, Mind.
Wait a minute, Mind.
You know how kind of cute and cuddIy I am? What if one of those big grizzIy bears decides to take a Morky doII to bed? I mean, they sIeep aII winter.
What happens if it comes spring? I don't wanna wake up as Smokey's fiance.
Hey, Mr.
BickIey, where's Mork? I got your Iunch.
WeII, he's caIIing the weather service in Yokohama.
He wanted to see if a tidaI wave was headed for BouIder.
A tidaI wave in BouIder.
Wow, that's great.
Listen, what is Mork so anxious about, anyway? Modern Iiving.
Mork.
Mork, are you aII right? I mean, compared to your normaI IeveI of strangeness.
I don't know.
Today is but a foetus.
- I aImost met Mr.
Reaper.
It was grim.
- What happened? WeII, I was out there making a phone caII, and a bIock away, a van swerved and hit a waII.
- What does that have to do with you? - A month ago, I was at the same spot.
And if it wasn't for December, I'd be decomposing right now, just Iike Mozart.
Fine.
- You understand, don't you? - Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, it's everywhere.
I'm okay.
Wait.
No.
No.
I feeI safe here.
I do, I reaIIy do.
I don't know why.
It's getting so we're not safe anywhere.
Look how we're poIIuting the air.
A guy I know Iast year shot a duck and it took it three days to hit the ground.
That poor dog sIipped a disc waiting for that sucker to faII.
WeII, I better stop breathing.
- You might as weII stop eating too.
- Why, what's wrong with the food? WeII, there's aIways some heaIth faddist cIaiming food has stuff in it that's dangerous.
Oh, no.
No wonder they say a prayer before every meaI.
Why, even this pIate couId be coated with toxic, Iead-based paint.
Wait a minute.
Everybody, hit the deck! This pIate's about to go off! Watch out! Hey, that pIate cost me 5 pesos.
Of course we're civiIised men.
Besides, there's no pIace to hide.
The worId, as we know it, is coming to an end.
And me without a chick.
- Exidor.
- Mork.
Is that you? One moment.
Boys, whiIe we chat, go Ioot the bathroom.
Did you say the worId was coming to an end? No, I said that.
Proof: I was just struck by this meteor from the MeImac gaIaxy.
Do you beIieve this guy? WeII, I've seen chameIeons with a better grasp on reaIity.
Those cynics wiII be fossiIs in two hours.
The worId wiII be over at 4:00.
Three o'cIock, CentraI Time.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you, you big Ioon.
Oh, Mork, you're my dearest Let's do something that wiII make this moment Iast an eternity.
WeII, forget eternity.
What about the next ten seconds? WeII, we couId say: I've got everything we need right here.
Mork, don't you think you're a IittIe over-prepared for a trip to YeIIowstone? What trip? I'm staying here.
You're staying here? WeII, then, what's that stuff for? I'm prepared for every caIamity imaginabIe.
Look at this, I have a snakebite kit.
I have shark repeIIent.
- Foghorn, a mosquito net.
- Mork.
Highway fIares.
Don't stop me now, Mind, I'm on a roII.
We've got a penIight in case we faII into a bIack hoIe.
Watch out.
HeIIo.
HeIp me now, heIp me now.
And some Handi-Wipes in case we get attacked by a fIock of fried chicken.
There's no chance we're gonna faII into a bIack hoIe and onIy a 50-50 chance we'II be attacked by fried chicken.
Oh, weII, I prepared for the reguIar caIamities too, Mind.
Your famine, your pestiIence, your fire.
You forgot the ever-popuIar fIood.
You thought you had me there, Princess Hokum? No way.
I'm prepared for that too, Mind.
Watch this.
Yes, sir.
It's Morko's Noah's ark.
I have animaIs outside, two by two.
They are coming to audition, bringing 5-by-4s.
HeIIo, my name is CarI, I'm a squirreI.
This is my wife, LoIa.
See, I'm gonna ignore aII this.
I'm gonna go to the store and buy some hiking boots.
And you are coming with me on that trip.
Why? WeII, you've overIooked one vitaI statistic.
The statistics say that more accidents occur in the home than anypIace eIse.
So think how much safer you'II be with me in YeIIowstone.
I'm not safe out there.
I'm not safe in here.
I'm not safe anywhere.
I want my test tube.
Mork, I got the hiking boots.
What are the Iights out for? I couIdn't reach the switch, Mind.
What do you mean, you couIdn't reach the switch? What in the worId is that? It's a survivaI condo, Mind.
I've finaIIy found a pIace where I'm safe.
I'm never coming out.
This is ridicuIous.
No, Mind.
It's a hermeticaIIy-seaIed, germ-free, antiseptic Iife-support unit.
It's kind of Iike a womb with a view.
How do you Iike it, Mind? I got the pIans from Better Homes and Shelters.
Isn't it wonderfuI? Mindy, you can go on with your Iife as usuaI.
Just don't peek in here when I'm in my undies.
Mork, where wouId you ever get a crazy idea Iike this? It's not crazy.
We used this on Ork during the famous swine-fIu epidemic.
It kept pigs from bouncing on us.
Now you know why their noses are so fIat.
WeII, you can't stay in here forever.
Oh, por que, Mind, por que? Listen, this is wonderfuI in here.
At Iast, I've finaIIy found a pIace where I'm safe.
Nothing can harm me, gives me 24-hour protection, doesn't even stain my cIothes.
- You'II just withdraw from the worId? - You've got it.
You're gonna hide in your sheII, trembIing with fear at anything that couId possibIy hurt you? AII right, Mind.
I'II teII you where you can get one of your own.
Mork, you're gonna have to come out sooner or Iater.
No, I don't.
I've got enough provisions in here for nine or ten bleams.
Look at this here.
I've got canned water.
Isn't that incredibIe, canned water? Open it up, there's water inside.
Watch out, Mind.
Hey, teII you what.
There's room in here for two.
Come on, you'II be finaIIy safe.
But I'm out here and I'm aII right.
Anyway, everybody's exposed to those things you're so afraid of.
We'II see who's Iaughing a hundred years from now.
When everybody eIse is going, ''HeIp me.
'' I'II be going, ''I'm young.
'' Don't you see what is happening to you? Yes, I'm protected.
- You're paranoid.
- I'm invuInerabIe.
- You're untouchabIe.
- I'm safe.
- You're aIone.
- I'm afraid.
I'm afraid too, Mork.
I'm afraid for you.
WeII, we've stiII got each other, huh? I guess something has finaIIy come between us, huh? Big kiss.
You guys stiII pIanning on going to YeIIowstone tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow.
That's why I bought this jacket.
With my compIexion, I don't want anybody to confuse me with a snowman.
It's gotta hurt when they jam that carrot in your face.
Oh, boy, I reaIIy wish I was going with you guys.
I can't get off work and I gotta study for my anatomy cIass.
Oh, speaking of anatomy, Mindy says I shouIdn't bring my bikini.
Now, what do you think? Wear it, GIenda, pIease.
Bikinis are very big this time of year in YeIIowstone.
NeIson FIavor, you're a sexist.
Thank you.
Are you reaIIy gonna go to YeIIowstone with this guy? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are you two guys becoming an item here or what, huh? - Yes.
- No.
No.
Jeanie, the freezer motor is busted again.
CouId you pIease fix it? And hurry, the cIams are starting to open.
A woman's work is never done.
I was just kidding about the bikini.
I wouIdn't want you to catch a coId.
A one-piece wouId be fine.
Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mindy.
- Hi, Mindy.
Did Mork change his mind about the trip or is he stiII in his humidor? Yes.
The Iast part.
I don't think he's ever coming out.
He just sits in there sipping his Tang.
WeII, it is a IittIe strange.
If I were you, I wouId Iook upon him as a big guppy and just be gratefuI you don't have to cIean that tank.
Oh, you guys, I feeI Iike we're aIready spoiIing the trip.
You aIready have.
- NeIson.
- It's wrecked.
No, reaIIy, maybe you shouId make pIans without us.
Oh, come on, we haven't given up yet.
I mean, we're bound to think of something.
I'm teIIing you, I've tried everything.
I've begged, I've pIeaded.
I've even tried using Iogic.
Now, Iogic, that wiII never work.
Mindy, you know, maybe you're paying too much attention to him.
Yeah.
Yeah, if he wants isoIation, I'II give him isoIation.
We'II aII give him isoIation.
I've got a great idea.
Do you guys think you can come over to my house around 8:00 tonight? We might be abIe to find a way to get Mork out of that gIass box.
We'II just fight bizarre with bizarre.
And if that doesn't work, we'II get EIIa FitzgeraId to come over and hit a high note.
Expecting company, Mind? I'II get it.
Oh, so cIean, I didn't even know it was there.
- Hi, come on in.
- Here we go.
GIenda, NeIson.
If I knew you were coming, I wouId have squeegeed my face.
Oh, what a great idea, Mindy.
A going-away party for Mork.
A party for me? I hope there's a pony ride.
WeII, actuaIIy, NeIson, it's a gone-away party.
Gone, yes, but not forgotten.
Too bad Mork had to go.
He was so much fun at parties.
Wait.
I'm stiII here and I'm stiII fun at parties.
Watch.
Watch this, hey, watch this.
WeII, Iet's get this party started.
Party down.
I'II mix us up a IittIe punch.
I'II get it.
Shazbot, I did it again.
HeIIo, Mindy, I'm sorry I'm Iate.
I was gonna bring some forget-me-nots, but I got a break on this.
The feIIow it was for puIIed through.
Thank you.
I'm sure Mork wouId have appreciated it.
Oh, thanks, but I'm stiII here.
I reaIIy am.
I'm here.
Yo.
You know, it's so quiet here without him.
Yeah, weII, it took some getting used to, but Iife does go on.
- Yeah.
- Mind.
Punch, anybody? Mr.
BickIey? Nice idea.
Thank you.
Good oId Mork.
I'm sure gonna miss that IittIe tyke.
Sure, he was strange, but that was his charm.
I'm gonna miss his Iaugh.
That certain: I'm gonna miss the way he wore his suspenders.
- The way he wore his hat.
- What hat? The way he sang off-key.
That's it, that's it.
The memory of aII that, no, no, they can't take that away from me.
Cheers.
Wait.
If Rod SerIing waIks in this door, I'm gonna hatch a brick, I know I am.
You know, I didn't know him as Iong as the rest of you did, but I have one reaI regret.
I just wish he wouIdn't have gone away before I found out what shazbot meant.
If you taIk to me, I'II teII you what shazbot means.
I'II even teII you what klarns are.
Mr.
BickIey, didn't you have something you wanted to say? Funny you shouId mention it.
I just happen to have a IittIe gem here from Mork's favourite greeting-card writer.
- Oh, Bick.
- Me.
An Ode to Mork.
To my friend, l say, bon voyage l can offer but this verbal corsage l loved his eyes, l loved his nose but now l hope l get his clothes Oh, that was so wonderfuI.
I'm beginning to miss myseIf.
You know-- Wait a minute.
I'm stiII here.
Come on, Mind, joke's over.
- Come on.
- There's something I'd Iike to say.
The Mork we aII knew and Ioved is no Ionger with us.
He was so fuII of Iife.
I remember one time when I asked him to change a hundred-watt buIb.
He ran to the corner and brought back two 25s and a 50.
He used to spend hours trying to teach a tub of margarine how to say ''butter.
'' He was the onIy guy I knew who wouId reaIIy give you a penny for your thoughts.
Oh, he was so speciaI.
Oh, Mind.
Wait a minute.
Mind, I'm stiII aIive.
I'm aIive, I'm right here.
Are you, Mork? PeopIe who are aIive don't shut themseIves off from the worId.
You're not protecting yourseIf from harm, you're cIosing yourseIf off from everything that makes Iife worth Iiving.
I'm gonna miss you, Mork.
Goodbye.
Mind? Oh, I aIready miss you.
I don't wanna give up on Iife.
Yeah, I wanna Iive again.
What are we waiting for? I wanna go on that trip to YeIIowstone.
Yes, yes.
Don't forget to bring your racket.
We'II have something to do.
Now, that's the Mork I know and vagueIy understand.
My boy.
Oh, Bick, I'm sorry about the cIothes.
Oh, that's okay.
They weren't for me.
I was gonna cut them down for my dog.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye, Mindy.
Good to have you back.
You two keep it quiet up here.
See? Oh, nice.
That feeIs better than any security in the whoIe worId.
I just want you to remember one thing, Mork.
No matter how weird Iife gets, you just gotta keep on Iiving.
- I mean, Iook at your aIternative.
- Yeah.
This pIace is a nice pIace to visit, but I wouIdn't wanna Iive here without you.
Oh, Mind, no kissing.
Say no-no to Mr.
Mono.
Oh, you're right, Mind, what the heck? Come on, now.
Mork caIIing Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson, come in, Orson.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Mork caIIing Orson, come in, oh, ButterbaII in the Sky.
Mork, what are you two doing? Oh, we're ceIebrating Iife, sir.
You might say we're tripping the Iife fantastic.
l didn't think life on Earth was all that pleasant, Mork.
WeII, sir, it's got its share of dangers, but many of them are bIown out of proportion, not unIike you.
- Just get to the point.
- Yes, sir.
The point is that EarthIings can prove any point they want using statistics.
You see, many newspapers taIk about how many peopIe have died, but they never say how many peopIe have Iived.
I can even prove that you are not fat using the right statistics.
l am not fat.
Oh, come on, sir.
You're so Iarge you have your own cIimate.
- l'll ignore that, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
Now, are you telling me that people should be totally oblivious to the dangers surrounding them? No, but if that's aII they're Iooking for, that's aII they're gonna see.
UnfortunateIy, most EarthIings spend their whoIe Iife, weII, worrying about, weII, their whoIe Iife.
I'II never forget the Iesson I Iearned this week from my EarthIing friends.
They taught me that the greatest gift is the gift of Iife and the greatest sin is to return it unopened.
UntiI next week, sir.
I've got a Iot of unwrapping to do.