My Family (2000) s03e09 Episode Script

Susan! What will Ben get you for your anniversary? Same two things as usual - an excuse and an apology.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hello, dear.
Hello! - Happy anniversary in three days.
- You said that yesterday.
No.
I said, "Happy anniversary in four days".
I'm excited.
Really? That makes one of us.
- Morning, dear.
- Morning, everyone except you.
And all I've ever done is love you.
And use me for graffiti.
Why did you write "Dorset" on my head? Because I want to go to Dorset and you told me never to mention it again, but now you've brought it up I'd like to spend our anniversary on a romantic weekend in Dorset.
I'd like a weekend as Michelle Pfeiffer's love toy, but we all have to live with our disappointments.
Your dad's not a morning person, is he? He's not much for days and nights either.
Whereas I - In your dreams! - Constantly.
You won't have to do a thing.
I will have to do something.
I'll have to be there.
- (Roars) - (Screams) Mercy! Gotcha! You big hairy blouse! You should have seen the look on your face.
(Whimpers) What the bloody hell's going on? Nick's been waiting in the cupboard to get you.
I was in there two hours.
Really? It's not long enough.
Get that thing away from me.
Relax, Dad, it's not even on.
If I flick this switch Nnnggh! This baby can cut through anything.
Go ahead, touch it.
Get away from me.
What are you doing with a chainsaw? - I'm going to cut up the car.
- Stop right there.
Which is it? Get away or stop right there? - You can't cut up our car.
- Not your car, my car.
- I won it at poker.
- You're terrible at poker.
You should see the car.
I'm selling it for scrap.
You're not turning my garage into a junkyard.
Wouldn't want to mess up your collection of broken lawnmower parts.
Well, time is a-wasting.
Can't wait to rip through that convertible top.
It's a convertible? Oh God! Car, parents.
Parents, car.
(# Dreamy pop) Oh I don't believe it.
A '72 MG Roadster.
Oh, my God.
- Is he crying? - No, but I am.
I used to have a car like this when I was your age, Nick.
Oh, God Mine was green too.
I used to love that car.
Do you remember what I used to call her? - Jasmine.
- Yeah.
Jasmine! Oh, Jasmine Oh I had to give her up when your mother was pregnant with you.
We needed a car that had more room and was more reliable.
You were too fat to fit in it.
I was seven months' pregnant with your seed.
So you gave up your beloved car for me and now I own one.
That's irony for you.
- Well, better get started - No! You're not seriously selling this car for scrap? I mean it's like having a baby only to sell its organs.
- Good idea, Dad.
- No.
Nick! You're always asking me for money to buy a car.
Now you've got one.
So why cut it up? - Because it's junk.
- It's not junk! Nick, come on.
I'll fix it up for you.
I used to work on Jasmine.
You once even got it out of the drive.
Come on, Nick.
What do you say? I'll work on it.
You'll love this car.
- Come on, Nick.
- Nnnggh! - Oh, all right.
- Oh! - On one condition - Oh, God.
What? You have to be nice to me.
Oh, I I um Deal.
How about a hug? - (Giggles) - Go and cackle somewhere else.
I can't believe you've been married for 26 years.
Well, we haven't made it yet.
In my family, a good relationship lasts 26 minutes and that includes the cigarette.
- (Horn blares) - At least we know the horn works.
I've never seen Ben smile so much.
It's really creepy.
You haven't seen him naked.
I've got no role model for relationship stuff.
How do you make it work? - First you need a boyfriend.
- Oh, right.
Do you break his spirit right away or wear him down over time? Well, everyone's different, dear.
The key to marriage is to respect those differences (Horn) to encourage your partner's interests (Horn) to take joy in the things that bring him joy.
- (Horn) - Excuse me, dear.
Stop that bloody noise! - Where were we? - Somewhere deep in denial.
- What's for dinner? - Why? I like to get mentally prepared.
I do ten minutes of transcendental meditation, depending on the dish.
- What's for dinner, Mum? - Liver cakes.
- Om - Take your clothes with you.
Om Om Om Oh my God.
OK, now.
Open wide.
Good.
That's very good.
It's time for your checkup.
When was the last time we had a clean, eh? Tut, tut.
Let's see.
(Laughs) Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Who said you could touch that? - What? You did.
Ah, but that was before I dreamt up the Car Jar.
Car Jar? Every time you touch or look at my car, you have to pay a small user fee.
- Let's say a pound a minute.
- Let's say I pound your arse.
All right, all right.
Now go away.
Go away.
So what do you think of Leroy? - Who? - Leroy.
No, no, no.
This car isn't a Leroy.
Oh, no.
Look at the graceful lines.
This car is a woman.
The coquettish tilt of the wheel arches, the dimpled smile of the radiator grille - Great set of headlights.
- Please - Don't talk about Jasmine like that.
- Jasmine? I think the car is called Leroy.
Unless you wanna pay for the naming rights? Why would I pay for naming rights? Because it's called Leroy.
It doesn't matter.
I can just say, "Jasmine" in my head.
Jasmine.
All right, Leroy? How's it hanging, Leroy? - Leroy, my man! - OK, OK.
Here's your blood money.
Go.
(High voice) Hello, Jasmine.
How's it hanging, Jasmine? Jasmine, my man! So what are you doing? Do you want to know or are you being annoying? Either will do for me.
I can't get it started.
How the hell did you get it in here? All you need is the knack and six Boy Scouts and a bottle of cider.
- OK.
Let's give it a shot.
- Ah-ah.
- What? - Sitting charge.
Just deduct it from your rent, OK? Now come on, Jasmine baby, come on.
Oh, yeah.
Turn over for Daddy.
I think I'll leave you two alone.
OK, Jasmine.
Don't be afraid, darling, don't be afraid.
I know, I know.
It's just you and me.
- (Engine starts) - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah! Ooh, that's my baby! Oh, yeah! (Engine dies) I'm so sorry.
That's never happened to me before.
Where have you been? - Nowhere.
- You've been in that garage all night.
- No - Don't lie.
There's oil on your collar.
OK, OK.
I was fiddling under the bonnet and one thing led to another I hope you and Jasmine are very happy.
Come on.
You're not jealous of a car? Can Jasmine raise a family? Cook gourmet meals? Show you ecstasy? Yup.
In 6.
5 seconds.
Sounds like your speed.
I'm just trying to get her up and running, OK? You could have invented warp drive in the time.
- It'll be like the good old days.
- Yes.
When you spent all our money on car parts and ignored me like I was dead.
No, not those good old days.
Buzzing around with the top down and the wind whipping through my hair.
So much less of it to whip now.
You won't say that when we're cruising down to Dorset.
You mean this year I won't have to use the thumbscrews to convince you? I was so looking forward to it.
Why do you think I was trying so hard to get the car ready? - I thought you were being an arse.
- No.
Just me and you together.
No kids, no work Just you and me and the open road.
Oh, Ben.
It's going to be so romantic.
Strolling on the beach, candlelit dinners dancing till dawn.
- Driving.
- Forget the car! What car? Sorry.
- Oh, Susan.
- Your hands are so soft and supple.
Are you wearing driving gloves? Yeah.
For God's sake, Ben! This is our bed, not the M40! Take those ridiculous things off! I'm sorry.
I was just wearing them in for the trip.
How's that? That better? Much.
Brrumm! Brrumm! - Forget it! You can't park there! - OK, fine.
Reversing.
God.
- That bear's a boy.
- It's not what it looks like.
Good, cos it looks like you're feeling up Mr Fuzzbudget.
I was simply returning a pair of your undergarments.
It was in my laundry.
You don't see me going through your undergarments.
If you want to go through my pants, you have my permission.
Aren't you the little pervert? Right, Mr Fuzzbudget? I don't know what came over me.
I returned them to your drawer I don't remember anything after that.
Well, If you're blacking out, maybe Susan should know about it.
No.
Please don't tell my mum.
Don't worry.
Having this to hold over you is much more interesting.
Clean my room.
Oh, and for future reference you just squeeze and release.
(# The Seekers: Georgy Girl) Hey there, Georgy Girl Swinging down the street so fancy free Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness Hop in, Ginger.
I'm not sure.
My mother said I shouldn't trust strangers.
Can I trust you to remain a perfect gentleman? Oh, absolutely.
- Then I'll wait for the next car.
- Kissing and heavy petting? You're on.
- Have you packed for Dorset yet? - Yup, yup.
Why haven't you packed for Dorset yet? I've been thinking about our anniversary and Every day married to you is so special so why limit ourselves to celebrating on one particular day? Like why celebrate Christmas on one particular day? Right.
We celebrate it in December, the Russians celebrate it in January.
- Who knows when Christmas really is? - This isn't about Christmas.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
Every year I want to do something special for our anniversary, and you find some pathetic excuse.
That's outrageous.
My excuses are not pathetic.
Some are very convincing.
Oh, yeah.
The sinus headache of '87.
Or our old friend, "I have to wait in for the gas man.
" Or my personal favourite, "My eyes are itchy.
I think I'm going blind.
" There was a very high pollen count that year.
An anniversary is a milestone.
Why not celebrate it? I see it more as a signpost saying, "Another mile closer to the grave.
" Oh, so that's it this year? A midlife crisis! Why can't you just bonk your assistants like other dentists? None of them stay long enough.
I can see humour's not going to work here.
I'm leaving for Dorset tomorrow.
- This could be your last anniversary.
- Are you threatening me with divorce? I didn't say "our" last anniversary, I said yours! Don't slam that door.
Please, Susan.
I've just put new trim on it.
OK? Susan OK, Jasmine.
We're going to leave now.
That was totally unnecessary.
(Sighs) Oh, happy anniversary to you too, sweetheart.
Ah-ha, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
- Staying out of trouble? - I didn't do anything.
- I didn't say you did.
- I resent the implication.
- OK.
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
- What's that supposed to mean? Someone say knickers? Hello, Papa.
Oh, boy.
It's going to be a long day.
Sit down.
I want to talk to you.
It's your mother and father's wedding anniversary.
- What do you say to that? - Don't stay together just for the kids.
Cute.
- So you bought us a present? - I wasn't invited to the wedding.
- You cheeky little - Ow.
Michael, listen here Your mother's not talking to me because I haven't got the bloody car ready to go to Dorset.
- Sounds like a fun trip.
- Yeah.
Anyway It's ten o'clock now, so if we work hard enough, I can get the car fixed and drive to Dorset.
And still have 20 minutes of your anniversary left.
- You're wasting precious time, Dad.
- Come on.
It'll mean a lot to me.
- How much? - Er ten quid? - Done.
I'll write you a receipt.
- Good.
- Aren't we forgetting something? - Yeah.
Car keys.
You mean "May I borrow the car keys?" All right, Nick.
Drop this now.
"May I borrow the car keys, Nick, dear?" - No way.
- Wrong answer.
All right.
Wait.
- Um May I, um? - Borrow the - Borrow the car keys? - Nick, dear.
N dear.
That wasn't too hard, was it? - Hm? - Come on.
Oh, I nearly forgot.
OK, OK.
Someone pass me the spanner.
- I'm knackered.
Can we take a break? - We haven't started work yet.
I'm not cut out for manual labour.
Come on, guys.
This'll be fun.
Hey, we're like a team.
Team Harper.
I know.
I'm not that happy about it either.
- Have you checked the petrol? - Have I checked the petrol? Michael, I do know one or two things about this car.
First thing we've got to do is drain the oil.
- Where is that sump? - We should consult the manual.
I know the manual by heart.
It's like a poem you never forget.
Please let us use the manual.
My instinct says it's that circle thingy over there.
No.
That's the brake fluid I think.
I'll pay for the manual and read it in verse.
You're the smallest, so shimmy under the car and drain the oil into this.
Fine.
First I need to go inside.
- He's not coming back, is he? - No.
Yup.
So what are you doing here? I'm here cos I love you.
Just you and me, eh, Dad? Team Harper.
Father and son against the world.
Against all odds, together, forever.
- Yup.
Go and drain the oil.
- No bloody way.
I have a date next week.
I don't want to dirty my clothes.
This shirt is vintage.
- Well, change your clothes.
- Then I'll have to go under the car.
All right, fine! Fine, fine! I'll do it.
- Try not to touch anything.
- Can do.
You won't even know I'm here.
- (Horn) - Nick! Don't bloody touch anything! You can beep the horn by touching these two wires together.
- (Horn) - Can you hear that, Dad? I bloody did, you stupid imbecile! You're angry.
Maybe I shouldn't let you work on my car.
Sorry, Nick.
Very quick of you to find the horn like that.
I've got the sump.
Here comes the oil.
- Oh, no.
I'm stuck.
- Dad? Wait.
I'll get you loose.
No! No, Nick! For heaven's sake, I'm stuck! Get inside and get some help.
- No, Nick! - I'll be right back.
This is a festive occasion.
You can't be angry at the old fella.
If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't have us.
You're making things worse.
At last the joyous day has arrived.
My first anniversary in an unbroken home.
Bollocks.
Well, maybe this will lighten the mood.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you, dear.
At least somebody remembered.
- It's from all of us.
- You didn't chip in.
It's the thought that counts.
- Are you going to eat that dumpling? - Yes.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's a teddy.
- Eat the dumpling.
- And the spring roll.
- I'm going to my room.
- (Ben) Nick! Nick! - Where have you been? - Where have I been? I've been trapped under that car for an hour.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Spring roll? Why didn't you call for someone? Because I had oil in my mouth.
I could have drowned I could have drowned.
I could have Oh, the silent treatment.
You decided to give me an anniversary present after all.
Thank you.
Tell your father to go easy on the hair gel.
Susan, I know this may sound stupid, but I am determined to make that car work and take you to Dorset.
I promise on our children's lives.
So either way, you win.
That's my baby.
Come on.
(Starter motor whirrs) Come on Oh, damn! - Let me do that for you.
- Great.
Come to mock me, have you? Partially.
I also bought you a present.
A can of petrol.
Petrol? You bought it for me on our last anniversary, along with the tyres.
It doesn't need petrol.
I told Michael that.
- But did you try it? - No.
It's too late anyway.
Unless we get a teleportation device, we'll never get to Dorset.
Face it, Ben.
We're going to grow old together.
Stop trying to recapture your youth.
I'm not trying to.
I couldn't fix the bloody car then either.
No.
For once, I'm trying to do something right.
And, as usual, you're doing it wrong.
- Let's see if this works.
- Susan, I told you it's too Let's be grown-up about this.
Susan? Right.
Turn it over.
(Starter motor whirrs) - See? - Try again.
- (Engine starts) - Oh, yes! Yes! Come on, baby.
- (Engine stops) - Come on! I told you it wouldn't work.
So I was right.
This car's a bit like our marriage.
It's old, up on blocks, and it's going nowhere.
And it's green.
Still, after all this time, it is still going.
- No, it's not.
- I mean the marriage.
Oh, the marriage, yeah.
Definitely.
Although some things are past the point of fixing.
- The marriage? - The car.
I promise next year, I'll take you somewhere really special.
More special than the garage? Do we have to book? - Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
- Happy anniversary.
No.
Wait, wait.
I just want to say today's a really special day for me.
And this candle represents the light of your love Ben and Susan.
Careful.
There's oil on the floor.
Susan, I'm as graceful as a ballerina.
Like the dancing hippos in Fantasia.
Nearly.
- Why did we have her? - We didn't.
- This flame represents - Don't light it! There's petrol fumes Still up for that trip to Dorset? We'll take the other car.
Yeah.
Did I say you could change the colour? Cake, anyone? OK