Never Have I Ever (2020) s03e09 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[McEnroe] Well, the jig was up.
Devi and Des had been caught
rounding second
Des, honey,
do you know where my credit card
[McEnroe] and were now in the dugout
waiting to be ejected from the stadium.
See? I know more sports than just tennis.
Okay, guys, listen.
I know you're both attractive,
vivacious young people
with growing bodies and needs,
but I'm afraid this is a no-go.
Why? I've had girlfriends before.
I get that, honey,
but Nalini doesn't allow Devi to date,
and we have to respect her boundaries.
[McEnroe] Oh God, look at her face.
This punishment was gonna be stiff.
Maybe military school?
A year in solitary?
A job in the mines?
You know what? I'm going to allow it.
- Huh?
- [McEnroe] Huh?
I'd obviously rather you not date
until you have received
an advanced degree of some sort,
but since you insist
on disobeying me constantly,
I'm just going to take a win
where I can get one.
Nalini, what are you saying?
Des is far better than the riffraff
I've caught my daughter with.
He's a polite Indian boy
with a bright future,
and aside from this nonsense,
he's actually been
a good influence on her.
Well [laughs]
Are you sure? I mean, I wouldn't want you
to feel pressured into anything.
Let's give it a try.
And as long as you act like respectable
young people from good families,
I approve.
[McEnroe] Hold the damn phone!
Is Devi really allowed to have a boyfriend
for the first time ever?
Holy shit. This kicks ass!
[upbeat music continues]
So she just said,
"Cool, sure, kiss Des all you want"?
Has she had any surgeries recently?
My aunt's personality changed
after she got her knee replaced.
Turns out she was hooked on oxy.
No, she's totes sober.
Can you believe it? Des and I are free.
So what are you gonna do
now that you're out in the open?
I have a whole itinerary.
On Friday, he's coming
to my orchestra concert with our moms.
On Saturday, we're bowling, and Sunday,
we're gonna PDA up by the Hollywood sign.
Hey, if all goes well, maybe your mom
will become as loosey-goosey as Eric's.
I heard she lets Rosalia stay the night.
Huh.
[crunching]
Man! Can't believe Eric lost his virginity
before all three of us!
[smacks lips]
Yeah, um, but why have you not?
We've been kinda wondering. I mean,
you've been dating Trent for over a year.
Did all those dick taps
lead to penis probs?
No, I'm actually the holdup.
You? But you say words like "sensuelle"
and sleep on satin sheets.
You're like the horniest person I know.
Thank you, but I'm also a romantique.
I don't want my first time
to be on Trent's trundle bed
atop bong water stains.
Okay, then what do you want
for your first time?
Nothing crazy, just to be standing
on a windswept moor,
wearing a bodice,
when suddenly a caped nobleman appears,
and we make love against
the bricks of an old abbey.
Mm-kay. Yeah, very specific.
Maybe you should tell Trent
about this fantasy
so he could, like,
buy you guys tickets to Scotland.
No way. If I have to spell it out for him,
it ruins the romance.
Then you may never have sex.
Well, that's a price I'm willing to pay.
[indistinct chatter]
Uh, David, love a little help
with our experiment here
if you aren't too busy
making demented faces into your phone.
Sorry, my mom just gave me and Des
the okay to officially date.
So now my sexy selfies
don't have to include
homework questions in them anymore.
Wait. She's letting you date
blazer dork? Why?
Because according to her,
he was preferable to the other lowlives
she's caught me with. No offense.
Hey, I thought your mom and I
had a good rapport.
Clearly not good enough.
You know what this means, right?
Des is a weenie.
Uh No, he's not.
If your mom's not worried at all
about you being with him,
then he's gotta be a real dickless beta.
Like a full Ken doll.
Okay, you know what? You're just jealous
that I'm in a mature relationship,
and that you are one TV dinner away
from being like my Uncle Aravind.
He's obsessed with the metaverse.
Whatever. He sounds cool.
[inhales deeply]
Are you still gonna work the door
at my concert for volunteer hours?
Yeah, but they stuck me in coat check
even though it's springtime in Los Angeles
- and no one wears coats.
- Excellent.
Then you'll see us as a couple,
and see that Des isn't dickless at all.
Ew! Why would I see that?
- Okay, you know what I mean.
- Oh.
[Paxton] All right, my phone's recording.
Let's see if baby boy got into college.
Shit, it's not loading. Come on.
It's okay. Just breathe.
Here it comes.
- I'm in!
- [squeals]
Yes! I got into college!
- Yes! [laughs]
- Yeah! [laughs]
Cal State Long Beach! Oh my God!
Congratulations! You get to go to school
near one of America's busiest ports!
[Paxton] Yeah!
And I'm not even worried
about the hour-long drive.
Finally ready to give podcasts a try.
Thanks, bro.
All right, I guess now
we just have to see what ASU said.
AS what? What even are those letters?
Arizona State University.
Arizona, as in the state, Arizona?
Okay, I just have to click this and
- Oh shit! I got in!
- [gasps]
- Oh my God!
- [squeals, laughs]
- I I didn't think I could get in there.
- I didn't think you'd apply there.
So quick question. If you were to attend
Arizona State University in Arizona,
would you commute or
Uh, to Arizona? No, I'd I'd have to move.
Well, it's a good thing
that's your second choice.
- Congrats, buddy.
- [Paxton chuckles]
Wow!
[McEnroe] Here it was,
Devi's grand debut as a girlf.
For the first time,
Devi could experience teen romance
without the fear
of bringing shame upon her family.
Okay, Devi. [chuckles]
Have a wonderful time, okay?
Should we find some seats
before the good ones are taken?
Yes, let's do that.
You knock 'em dead, kiddo.
- I'll be right there.
- [Nalini] Mmm.
Hey. This is going kinda well. Did you see
your mom give me a hug in the parking lot?
I did. She likes you.
Yeah, and that is such a relief because,
you know,
I really like you.
Des, are you being, like,
hella cute right now?
I like to think of it as "cute sexy,"
but call it what you will.
[romantic music playing]
- Kill it up there. See you after?
- Mm-hmm.
[breathes deeply]
Okay, actors,
that rehearsal was mediocre at best,
disgusting at worst.
Please be better prepared
for our dress rehearsal in two weeks.
Make an appointment
with Jonah for your costume fitting.
And once I have your measurements,
no one's allowed to gain or lose an ounce.
That is very dicey legal territory, Jonah.
Please do not.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Eleanor, you got a minute?
Sure, but you should know that
I'm still 35% in character from rehearsal.
That's fine.
So listen, I've been thinking,
and I really want to go to ASU
and not just because everyone there's hot.
That's only half the reason.
I also think it would just be good for me
to go somewhere new, you know,
but I need you
To help you tell Trent
because he's gonna freak?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I can do that.
- When do you want to talk to him?
- Uh Now?
What?
Trent, come in.
Where is everyone? I thought you said
I won Student of the Month.
I lied, Trent.
There is no Student of the Month here,
and honestly,
if there were, you would not get it.
You're very bad at school.
Fair enough.
So what is this?
[Paxton clears throat]
[pensive music playing]
I wanted to tell you
that I accepted a spot at ASU.
So I am moving to Arizona next year.
Ah
[tense music playing]
You guys can't smooth this betrayal over
with tasty little squirmies!
I'm pissed!
It's not a betrayal.
Yes, it is!
What about the band
that we were gonna start,
or the men's flip-flop line,
or the cool taco truck idea
where the meat's on the outside
of the tortillas?
I never agreed to any of those, man.
Yeah, well, I never agreed
to have a suck-ass friend.
See you never.
Dude
[sighs]
What's that?
A protein bar. Sorry, I didn't get
a chance to eat before I got here.
Okay, that's no reason to ingest poison.
I mean, it is a little processed,
but it's not poison.
Processed and poison are synonyms.
You know that. We've talked about this.
Hold on. I think I might have something
you can nosh on. Oh, here we go.
Some organic seed mix. Mmm?
- [Mr. Chan] Good evening.
- [audience cheering]
Welcome to the Sherman Oaks
High School Spring Orchestra concert.
It's actually been two years
since our last spring concert,
because as you may remember,
I was a contestant
on Survivor last spring.
If I had a chance to do it again,
I would make less enemies. [chuckles]
[McEnroe] In all the excitement
about Devi's new boyfriend,
she'd forgotten that this
was her first orchestra concert
since the orchestra concert.
[coughs, strains]
[Nalini yelps] Mohan?
[man] Is he okay? Is he okay?
Okay. Now, before I bring out
the entire Cricket orchestra,
please welcome
our fabulous Senior String Quartet.
- [mouthing] I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- [all applauding]
[string quartet playing]
- [breathing shakily]
- [door opens, closes]
Oh my God, Devi! Are you okay?
I I saw my dad in the audience.
What?
I I saw my dad in the audience.
Okay. Okay. Let's just take
some deep breaths, okay?
- Inhale.
- [Devi inhales]
[Rhyah] Hold it.
- Exhale.
- [Devi exhales]
Good. Let's do another one.
- Inhale.
- [inhales deeply]
- Exhale.
- [exhales]
[sighs]
Better?
[exhales] Mm-hmm.
Okay. Good.
I'm so sorry. I feel embarrassed.
No, no, no. Don't be.
I am here for you, okay, honey?
Now just tell me what happened.
I don't know.
I've been doing really well recently.
And then I just saw him.
Oh, honey, you had a real scare tonight.
Grief is strange. It comes in waves,
and all you can do is feel your feelings
and just move through it.
But also remember,
grief is an expression of love.
This happened because
of how much you love your dad,
and he loved you so much too.
[chuckles softly]
Now if you don't want to play,
you don't have to.
I am happy to take you home
No, I'm okay.
[inhales deeply] I want to.
[breathes deeply]
Thank you so much, Rhyah.
Bring it in.
[orchestra warming up]
[orchestra playing classical music]
[McEnroe] Devi overcame
her orchestra-centric PTSD
with the help of, let's be honest,
basically her mother-in-law.
As she played the shit out of Liszt,
she felt like nothing
could bring her down.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, before Nalini comes out with Devi,
we need to talk.
- I'm not sure about you two dating.
- [Des] What? Why?
Because, honey,
I don't think Devi is right for you.
Don't get me wrong,
she's a wonderful girl, but [sighs]
earlier tonight, I found her
on the bathroom floor hysterical.
She said she saw
her dead father in the audience.
[Des] Oh my God. Is she okay?
She's fine. But, honey,
that girl has a lot of problems.
[woman] Excuse me.
Sorry, ma'am.
You're overreacting. It's fine.
It's not fine. You are too young
to have to deal with all of that.
I want you to end things,
and I'm not gonna change my mind.
Hi. [gasps]
You were absolutely amazing.
Thank you, Rhyah.
And thanks for earlier too.
[chuckles]
So should we go somewhere for dessert?
Harpist's treat.
Or actually, harpist's mom's treat.
[laughs] Yes, fine.
It would be my pleasure.
Oh, I wish,
but we should really head home.
Thank you, though,
for such a wonderful night.
- [Nalini] Meet you in the car, kanna.
- [Devi] Yeah.
- So, see you tomorrow for bowling?
- [hesitating]
Actually, I just remembered
I have a huge paper due on Monday.
So I I need the weekend.
That's cool. How's next week?
- Sure.
- [chuckles]
- You really were great.
- Mmm.
[sighs]
[school bell ringing]
[McEnroe] The concert
had been a wild success.
Devi faced her trauma,
her mom was happily Team Des,
and she spanked her harp solo.
So it must be in her head that Des
had felt a little distant all week.
[Devi] Hey, it's been a minute.
Wanna hang this weekend?
[Des] You know what?
I forgot to tell you I'm going to Stanford
this weekend to scope out housing.
Text you when I get back.
Hey, David, do you have a minute?
I only need 30 seconds.
Sweatshirt's crazy,
pants too small, babyGap shoes.
[chuckles] Great, sick burns.
Listen, I actually need to talk to you
about something serious.
At the concert, I overheard Des's mom
tell him that he has to break up with you.
What? That's impossible. Rhyah loves me.
She said you have a lot of problems
and that he needed to end it.
I'm really sorry.
[sighs]
Well, then I guess you misunderstood
because Des didn't break up with me.
So, he's been totally normal since then?
Well, actually, I haven't seen him,
but that's only because he's busy.
- Right. He's pulling a slow fade.
- It's not a slow fade.
Right. Right, right.
He's just fading away very slowly.
You know what, Ben?
You've been throwing digs
at Des since you met him.
You're just jealous
because you're lonely, and miserable,
and you want everyone else
to be as unhappy as you are.
So, guess what?
Here's a quick fade. Buh-bye!
Hey there, buddy.
Haven't heard from you all week.
How you doin'?
I know it's a shock about Paxton.
I can tell you're upset
by your stress carving.
I'm not upset. [scoffs]
I always carve a tombstone
with Traxton written on it.
Trent, I'm your girlfriend.
Talk to me.
I just don't understand
why everyone always has to leave.
First, my dad goes to Napa,
and then my pet rat goes to the rat trap
that my mom set, and now Paxton?
But you and Paxton will always be friends.
You have to let him go.
Good friends don't hold each other back.
Oh, so you're on his side.
Great. Why don't you go to Arizona too?
Enjoy not having daylight savings time.
You know what, Trent? Grow up!
Something great happened
to your best friend,
and you're being selfish.
And frankly, this energy is very unsexy
to me, and I'm walking away now.
[McEnroe] The next day, Ben's voice
was still buzzing in Devi's ear.
Ben's full of shit.
Right? Des is just busy.
He's literally up in Stanford right now
making sure he doesn't end up
in the dry dorm with the Mormons.
Yeah. Forget Ben. You and Des are perfect.
He's probably up in Palo Alto
bragging about his hot girlfriend
to the residence hall staff.
- Yeah.
- I think he's getting coffee on Ventura.
- What?
- Okay, so
I so happened to stumble
upon Addison's Insta,
not that I look at it a lot or anything,
but they just went live from Dark Roast,
and you can see Des
in the reflection of their sunglasses.
What the hell?
Hey! How's Stanford going? Send a pic!
[Des] It's beautiful here!
I love the architecture.
Oh my God, what an asshole.
We have to confront him!
I wish I could,
but if I miss my costume fitting,
Jonah will dress me
in gasoline-soaked rags. His words.
I'll come with you,
and not just because Addison's there,
because I'm a good friend.
[indistinct chatter]
Well, well, well. I heard that Stanford
had a sprawling campus,
but I didn't realize that it reached
all the way down to Southern California!
Devi, I can explain.
Explain what? That you and your mom
decided to break up with me,
but you didn't want to let me know?
Yeah, you had a pretty
public conversation at my school,
and I got eyes everywhere.
Devi, I'm sorry I lied to you. I
I just didn't know what to do. I mean,
I really don't want to break up
- Then don't!
- I can't go against her. She's my mom!
I go against my mom,
like, 40 times a day. It's fine.
[sighs] Look, Devi, you're cool and all,
but, like, dating you
isn't worth pissing off my mom.
- I mean, she still pays for my phone.
- [scoffs]
[Fabiola gasps]
Devi!
Devi Vishwakumar, come with me.
- [scoffs]
- [people murmuring]
- [Rhyah] Come on.
- See ya.
[exhales]
Seat taken?
Hey, bro, what's up?
Nothing.
Okay. Anything you want to talk about?
[sighs]
I just wanted to say that I'm cool
with you going to Arizona
on one condition.
What's that?
[voice breaking] You're not allowed
to make a new
[clears throat] best friend there.
[scoffs] Dude
Never. No one can take your place, bro.
You're my number one boy.
[sighs] Bring it in, my sweet prince.
Yeah!
Guess I'll need some Mentos
to remember you by.
- I think you mean mementos.
- [Trent gasps] Oh!
[gasps]
That's my warming jacket for swimming.
Signature Paxton. [chuckles]
Looks good.
Oh, sick!
- I'll take these too.
- Okay.
Oh, I suppose I should leave you
with something of mine.
No, you don't have to do that, man.
It's fine
[Paxton chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- [Paxton] Thanks, man.
Look, you know I'll come back
to visit a lot, right?
You and I will always be friends.
Yeah, Eleanor said the same thing.
She's really dope. Don't mess that up.
Hi, Nal.
We have a little bit of a situation.
I just witnessed Devi throw coffee
directly into my son's face.
Uh, it was iced coffee.
Still, I think it's best we pump
the brakes on this relationship.
As much as I love Devi
You don't love me.
I heard what you said.
She told Des to break up with me
because I "had a lot of problems."
You did?
- I never said that, all I said
- [Des] Mom.
Just admit it.
[sighs]
Okay. Yes, I suggested
that Des end things,
but I was just thinking
of what's best for both of our kids.
Do you really think Devi
is a danger to your son?
Well, she did throw coffee in his face.
Iced coffee.
Look, Nal, I appreciate
what you and Devi have been through,
but you said it yourself,
his future is so bright.
I don't want anything
to get in the way of that.
[Nalini] Rhyah,
how dare you come to my house
and talk about my daughter this way?
Devi does not have problems.
She's just been through
something unimaginable
that would break someone as flimsy as you
in an instant, and she has persevered.
How can you talk to me like that, Nalini?
I mean, I have been
such a great friend to you.
You don't think of me as a friend.
You think of me as a project
that you can, uh, feed seeds to.
Fine. If that's how you feel,
then I guess I'll take someone else
to Jessica Alba's baby food tasting.
Fantastic. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to eat a bag
of heavily processed Bugle chips.
Wow!
I really am sorry.
Me too.
[knocking on door]
[sentimental song playing softly]
[sighs] Devi, you okay?
Mm-hmm.
Thanks for ripping Rhyah a new one.
She deserved it.
[inhales deeply]
Listen, I'm really sorry about Des.
I know you were excited about that.
- Yeah.
- [Nalini] Mm-hmm.
[inhales deeply]
I actually thought for a second that
I was gonna be able to live a normal life,
but I guess I'm too much
of a freak for that.
You're not a freak.
Don't listen to a word of what Rhyah said.
Mom, she's not completely wrong, you know.
I am kind of a lot.
Before the concert
[inhales deeply]
I thought I saw Dad in the audience.
That's okay. I see him everywhere.
Once I thought I saw him cut me off
in traffic, and I followed that man home.
[chuckles] Damn.
[both chuckle]
Um
What if, um
What if nobody ever loves me
because I'm always too much?
[chuckles] Oh, Devi.
[sighs] Listen to me.
You're never too much,
and you're always enough.
And one day, you will find someone
who loves you exactly as you are,
just like I do.
[sniffles]
[sniffles]
I love you too, Mom.
Now, come downstairs,
and we can watch our Property Brothers
install a waterfall island.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[pop rock music playing]
[sighs] So, has your back
always been shaped this way?
Why? Is it deformed?
[Trent] No!
Your back is perfect.
Just like the rest of you.
- Damn!
- Damn!
Eleanor, forgive me
for I have been a dick or whatever.
You were right about Paxton.
If you love something,
let it go to Arizona.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I can say goodbye to Paxton
because everything I need is right here.
Jonah, you better start working
on a new bodice
because this one's about to get shredded.
Jesus, can't you wait two minutes?
[pop rock music continues]
[Eleanor moans]
[moaning]
[breathing heavily]
No, seriously, at one point,
we were growling at each other.
- [laughs]
- What?
El, I am so happy for you.
I just can't believe
you did it in the drama room.
I mean, it shouldn't be that shocking.
I've done some of my best work there.
But also, I know
you're nursing a broken heart, Devi.
- And we don't have to talk about it.
- Of course, we have to talk about it.
This is like the biggest news
our friend group has ever had.
People say your first time
is supposed to be awkward,
but we were perfectly in sync
like a nude pair's ice-skating team.
It's also crazy
that you lost your virginity standing up.
It honestly felt so natural for us.
I can't imagine ever lying down.
[chuckles] Uh, hey, guys,
I have to take care of something.
- Find you later?
- Yeah.
How do you have sex standing up?
Uh, hey.
Wait, are you drawing?
Yeah, if you must know,
I do it to relieve my stress.
Is there something you need?
I'm really sorry about what I said.
You were right. Des broke up with me.
Sorry to hear that.
Uh, listen,
I don't think you're miserable.
You're more like
a lovable crank. [chuckles]
- This apology's really bad.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, sorry.
Look, I just lashed out at you
because I was embarrassed.
I could tell I was headed towards
yet another massive romantic failure.
It's okay. If it's any consolation,
I think you dodged a bullet.
- Moms like that only get worse with time.
- Hmm.
Well, when I die a virgin,
tell people it wasn't for lack of trying.
You're not gonna die a virgin.
Mmm, I don't know, man.
It's not looking good.
If you're still a virgin on your deathbed,
I'll come have sex with you.
- Oh, really? You'd do that?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Even if I'm an old bag of bones
with milky eyes and no teeth?
Yeah, sure, but don't be alarmed
if I still look great.
Men age better.
Here, good for one free boink.
Great. Yeah, this definitely
makes me feel less pathetic.
Mmm. You're welcome.
What you drawing? Is that a cactus?
What? No! It's It's Eric.
[scoffs, mumbles]
[McEnroe] Although Devi
had weathered the humiliation
of being dumped by her boyfriend's mom,
she knew she'd be okay.
She would find love again.
She just had to look to the future.
- Yo. Guess what?
- Mmm?
I'm going to ASU.
- Oh my God, really?
- Wow!
[McEnroe] Or maybe to the past.
XOXO, John McEnroe.
["Do U Know What I Mean"
by marsfade playing]
I don't wanna go to the party ♪
I just wanna see your face ♪
I'm sorry ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
I'm sorry ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪