New Girl s03e09 Episode Script

Oh, hey.
I was wondering about date night tonight.
Do you wanna just stay in? 'Cause you know what that means.
- Romantic dinner and "Homeland"? - Sex on the couch.
Or your thing.
- Actually, "Homeland" sounds great.
- Or your thing.
Hey, Nick, um Last night when Ferguson and I were in the shower, I had an epiphany.
It's time to get back in the game.
You know, meet some women.
Human women.
Human? Is there any other kind? Anyway, I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson tonight while I go out for some drinks with some work buddies.
Just for a little while.
You just gotta give him a pill at 6:00.
- We're having date night tonight.
- Jess Winston wants to go out to meet human women.
- Without the cat.
- Oh, yep, yep.
Yep, yep.
Nick will watch the cat.
Question Are those mouth pills or butt pills? Just one pill.
Just one butt pill.
- Here you are.
- I'm not touching that thing.
No? Okay.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
You got it.
Hey, guys.
Just hanging at home tonight? No, actually, we have a date tonight.
'Cause I just made some cobbler.
Some peach cobbler and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream, and Coach is asking Cece out on a date tonight, and Does anybody want a bite of this, 'cause it's? Ho! Ho! It's fresh out of the oven.
It's piping hot! Ha! Ha! Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess Well, I hope Coach at least ran this by you first.
Coach came over, he followed the bro code.
Actually went really well.
Yeah.
Just the man I wanted to see.
- You found me.
- Yeah, I did.
I got a question for you, playa.
Drop the bomb, man! Can I ask Cece out on a date? Yeah! Wait, what? Wait, that's so great for Cece.
Coach is super hot.
Wrong crowd.
I see that now.
Be that as it may, you blew it with Cece, so you have to be fine with this.
- I am.
- You are? - I promise I am.
- You are? - 100% fine.
- You're fine? - Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
- Really? It's good for Cece, it's good for Coach, it's good for America.
Who knows? We might even get another Tiger Woods out of this situation.
Wouldn't that be nice? I'm probably getting ahead of myself.
Who knows if Cece will even say yes? She said yes! We're going to the Staples Center to watch a game tonight.
Are you still Are you cool with this? Hmm? I mean, 'cause all you have to do is say the word, man, and I'll back off, for real.
N No, man.
Come on.
Date that thing.
- Yeah! And then date it again.
- All right.
- It's not gonna date itself.
- Yeah, date it all night long.
I'm kind of nervous! Yeah, I'm nervous.
Yeah, I'm really nervous.
Um I mean, she's beautiful and she's super cool.
And it's just, like Like, you don't even know.
- I 100% know.
- Yes, you kno You know.
She stopped the wedding because of me, so I'm just saying.
And then I ruined it 'cause I had my own thing.
Malia broke up with me and that kind of, like, threw my head for a loop, so I'm super vulnerable right now.
It's like I don't know.
Think I'm feeling kind of insecure.
Come on.
You're Coach.
- You're the Coach.
- Yeah.
You're the prize.
Remember, you're the prize.
You're the prize.
I'm Coach! Yeah, you're Coach.
- She doesn't stand a chance! - Oh, yeah, well She's gonna get it good! Yeah! Or you could take it slow! - Nah, I'm gunning it! - Oh, oh! Y-you're gonna gun it.
- I am gunning it.
Yes.
- You're gonna gun it for real? That first-class ass is sitting in coach tonight.
And best believe, my seat will be in an upright and locked position.
Thanks, Schmidt.
Oh boy.
He's gonna gun it.
I don't know if you heard that, but he said he's going to gun it.
- He's really not fine.
- When he says, "I'm fine," he's about to get un-fine.
Aw, Schmidters.
There's gonna be other open mics.
With sturdier stools.
I'm fine.
I know you're fine.
Then they'll see your rap skills.
Then Hey.
Stop! You just said you were fine! You just said you were fine! Let me die! I know Schmidt.
He's gonna try and stop that date from happening.
- Okay.
- So the strategy is containment.
- Okay.
- We got to lock him up.
Distract him like a baby.
If he gets out of line, we got to get physical.
We're gonna get physical with a baby? Please don't question me.
I'm a pro.
Or we could help him move on.
Take him out, get him drunk, maybe meet someone new? No.
We just got to keep him in a safe place.
- I wish I had that dog cage.
- What? When you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.
Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry.
We'll have date night when we're marrie - Da, burp a durp a durp.
- What did you just Merry.
When we're very Merry Christmas.
All right, moving on.
Hey, uh I'm having second thoughts about Coach and Cece.
Maybe I should stop their date.
Smarten up! Thank you.
Um Did you get a chance to get that, uh the dog cage? - No.
I feel bad.
- You didn't? - That was the solution.
- I know it was.
Yeah, Jess, so I j I just I just buzzed him up.
I He asked me out on a date, and I said yes.
We're both going through a breakup right now, - which is good, right? - Totally.
Gun it.
Gun it! - He's here.
- Don't go past second base.
Okay.
Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow.
Uh, y-you look amazing.
Aw.
You look this.
I give you this 'cause you look this, this and this.
- I'll give you all these.
No.
- Thank I'm really excited about the game.
Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna go get my purse.
- Okay, cool.
What is wrong with you? You're the prize! You're the prize! Get it together.
- Hey.
What's up, man? - Hey.
That's what's up, that's what's up, that's what's up.
Really appreciate this, guys.
- Are you guys hungry? - Always.
Yeah.
Great.
I'm gonna go get some food from the Staples Center.
- Hey, easy.
Chill out.
- Okay.
All right.
You're right, you're right.
Great call.
Hey, Winston.
Hey.
What happened to you? I thought you were supposed to go to a party.
Yeah, it's been so long that I think I forgot how to talk to women.
You ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? Ferguson is his name.
Yeah, he's my cat.
Here's him in a cowboy hat.
Good lord, darling, how big are your feet? You know what? It's fine.
I'll be alone my whole life.
You know, Hank Aaron was alone for every home run he hit.
As long as I got Ferguson.
Speaking of which, where is that cat? Ferguson! That's strange.
He usually comes when I call him.
Nick, you left the window open? Oh, my God, no.
- Nick! - What? You know he always trying to kick it with those pigeons.
Nick, you let him out.
I did I didn't mean to.
I just opened the window.
Man, I asked you to do one thing! - Winston, I'm really sorry.
- This is your fault, man! - I feel terrible, Winston.
- You're gonna help me find him! Winston, don't leave Winston Okay, I'm coming, buddy.
Jess, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to stay here and keep an eye on Schmidt.
No! No, no, no.
You can't leave me here with him.
No, she's right.
You can't do that.
What if it gets rough? Nick, he is in pain.
I can feel it.
- Don't you go! - Stay! I am so scared, man! What do you want me to do, Jess? - Stay.
- Everybody settle! Look, this is my fault.
Winston, I'm coming with you.
Schmidt, just get it together.
Jess, I'm sorry.
Just keep him here and keep his mind off the date.
I have to go.
I'm sorry.
We got to go.
Let's find that damn cat! What do you think Coach and Cece are doing right now? - I don't know.
- They probably just sat down.
Touching thighs for the first time.
- I'm gonna go stop that date! - No! Is that literally all you have? Oh, my God, we're screwed.
- Nick! - Nick! Uh, think.
Coach gave me an out.
He said, "Just say the word and it's off.
" And you know what? I'm just gonna say the word.
No! No! You call, you say the word.
No, Schmidt! God, you can't do that to Cece.
She's just starting to move on.
All we have to do is get through the night.
Just have to get your mind off her.
What do you want to start with? Play it now Play it now, my baby Cracklin' Rosie, get on by What's-what's happening? Maybe just go no shoes.
I don't know.
Okay, and this one's tenth grade, so This one's from Evan G.
Evan G.
was the captain of the water polo team.
"Hey, Jess, we both like lunch.
" That's true.
Oh, lean in Aw, dude Play it now, play it now My baby Cracklin' Rosie, get on board Camryn Manheim represents a woman who was heckled by a carnival clown, and Dylan McDermott says - I can't stop thinking about Cece! - Okay! Nick said this would work.
Sit down.
Stop thinking about Cece.
Wow.
Look at this leather.
It's so smooth, brown.
It's just like Cece.
That's weird.
You're right.
I'm just gonna lay down for a little bit.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, this feels good.
Okay.
What are you doing, Schmidt? - Nothing, just go.
- No, no, no, no.
- Just go away.
- Okay Schmidt, hey.
No! We're getting you out of here, and we're gonna get you a new woman, okay? Nick said to stay home.
Well, Nick doesn't know everything, Schmidt.
And please stop this.
This is so disgusting.
I can't even look at you.
Come on, this is gross.
This is getting really weird.
Please! Just one more kiss! No, you're kissing a sectional, you dummy! All right.
That was the right move.
You did good.
- Ferguson! - Ferguson! Ferguson! Come here, buddy! Come on, you little son of a bitch! We should do another lap around the park.
I bet those mean-ass kids playing frisbee are gone by now.
Winston We've looked everywhere.
What are you do? Winston.
Damn it! I should've never gone to that party.
Nah, the party was a good thing.
- You should go to more parties.
- Really? I got shot down by, I don't know, And then I come home to find out that you have misplaced my best friend.
- Ferguson's your best friend now? - Yes! Would you listen to yourself? This is pathetic.
- Whoa.
- "Pathetic" is harsh.
- I didn't mean - Friends don't call friends pathetic.
Well, what do friends do when their other friend is taking a shower with a cat? Wait, wait, wait! I just got a text.
Somebody found him.
- No way! Ferguson? - Yes.
Yes! Don't do that at all.
If that cat's alive, we're made up.
How you liking that merch? Oh, it's It's great, thanks.
Yeah, yeah.
- You want a pretzel? - No, I'm-I'm fine, thanks.
It wasn't a question.
Hey, yo, slice! Let me get about seven of them hot things! You worried about the money? It's cool, I got it, babe.
Coach had a good year today.
Yeah, when I-I agreed to go out with you, this isn't exactly what I expected.
I know, I hear that a lot, I hear that a lot.
Uh-oh! Ha-ha! Look at that.
Coach is blowing up.
Oh.
I'll just Thanks.
Damn it.
I can't mingle with this trash.
I've been to the mountaintop.
Okay, look.
Look at me.
You are moving on.
Now, where's the old Schmidt? When I moved into the loft, you used to pull so many ladies.
You were legendary.
That year, uh, Hurricane Schmidt did-did demolish - a number of beach communities.
- Right.
All right, we're gonna go talk to this girl over here.
She's on a flip phone, Jess.
I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler.
Hi! This is my friend Schmidt.
And he's sweet and he's smart.
And he has a job that I don't really understand, but seems to pay him well.
- Schmidt, sit down.
- Okay.
I'm gonna give you two a moment.
Look, you're a beautiful woman.
In another life, we certainly would've been lovers, but my soul mate is at a Sparks game right now with another man.
I need to go get her.
- Oh, you poor thing - Please don't interrupt me.
Now, do you see that bug-eyed woman over there? I need to ditch her so that I can go fulfill my destiny.
Now, tell me when she looks away.
Not now.
Not now.
Wait.
Now.
What might've been.
Hey, Schmidt! No! What do you think he's gonna look like when we get him back? Found him under the steps eating a dead raccoon's eyeball.
Your cat's a psycho.
Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat? Ferguson, I missed you so much, little buddy.
They're very connected, those two.
I can relate.
Got a beast of my own.
Hodgkiss, wake up.
- We got company.
- Aw.
- Is that a squirrel? - Squirrel? It's a hamster.
Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like.
Okay, you've been outside, man.
Trying to just figure out the smell, I guess.
This guy's the best.
I'd rather stay home and watch Grey's with him than go out to some bar, try to impress some douche bag dressed like a lumberjack.
I am done chasing men.
I hear that.
I am so done chasing women.
That's too bad.
Yeah, it's too bad.
You guys hungry? - Oh, no, but thank you very much - I could eat.
Winston, do you like bologna? It's the kind you have to peel the wrapper off just to get to the meat.
And do you have pudding in a cup? I never have pudding in a cup.
No.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing that she doesn't? That's a good thing.
You know, I don't know what's going on here.
Find Staples Center! Finding Starples Medical Supply.
No, you dumb pocket robot! Dan plummer rubber stumpers.
Aah! Now you're just making up words! That's not even a place! Damn you! Maiden worcestershire sauce.
Huh.
Chocolate.
Hi, there.
I'm ruining a date, and I don't want to show up empty-handed.
I will take three of the, ooh, the dulce de leches.
Um How about some caramels? Do you have anything that says "I'm sorry for cheating on you.
Please don't sleep with my friend"? Of course you don't.
Wonderful.
Ooh, look at that Samples.
Wha? Who are you texting right now? Uh, wh-what are you talking about? I'm not texting.
I was just, uh You're texting right now.
Nah, I'm just, uh Okay, you know what? Whoever you are texting, if you want to be with them, you should just go off and be with them.
You're so jealous.
Okay, yeah, you know what That's it! That is the last straw! I'm out of here.
Cece So, Bertie, have you always been a bus driver? I used to manage a shoe store.
Then I, uh, quit, had a few dark years.
- Sold christian t-shirts for a while.
- Okay.
Got my tubes tied.
Not cheap.
- This is a real honest conversation.
- Shut up, Nick.
Pulled myself out of that personal hell, and voilà.
- Wow.
- You know, I like driving bus.
Get to put whatever I want on the dash.
Keeps the darkness away.
You know? I also, uh I paint.
You paint? It's a boat.
Oh, I can see it's a boat.
All right, well, uh I better take my stomach medicine.
I got to get up at 3:30.
- Is that A.
M.
? - I drive a bus.
Will you eat your damn sandwich, Nick.
I don't like it.
What about you, Winston? Do you like it? I'm not gonna lie to you, Bertie.
Sometimes it was a little hard to chew.
Well You can suck on it to make it soft.
Wow.
Is something happening between you two? - Dude, she is so real.
- Okay, good.
Would you do me a favor? Now, you owe me.
Winston, I would love to.
Anything.
I mean it.
Anything.
- Okay.
- I owe you.
I need you to take Ferguson home tonight for me while I just stay here and, you know, see where this goes.
Yes.
This is a big moment.
- Yeah.
- I'm proud of you.
Listen, Ferguson, I'm about to do what adults do.
- Hey, wish me luck.
- I think that's enough.
- Wish me luck.
- Oh, this is a fat cat.
It's a tough decision.
Do I? I'll just leave - Stay here, stay here.
- Okay.
Yeah! Cece, wait! Please wait! I was texting my mom! - Dork.
- Shut up! Oh, come on! Do you really expect me to believe that? No.
I-I promise I My mom She was texting me because I was super nervous about this date.
- Your mom? - Look.
"Go get 'em, BooBoo"? That's me.
I'm BooBoo.
Why do you need inspirational quotes from your mom just to talk to me? I'm sorry.
I I'm just I'm coming out of this relationship, and, like I just I don't know.
I feel I don't know how to I don't know how to do this anymore.
I know how you feel.
You do? Yeah.
Wow.
Uh I just want to put on some Drake and get up on you, girl.
You see, you're doing it again.
Damn it! I know.
Sorry.
Hey! Schmidt! Schmidt, what are you doing?! Why do you have all that chocolate? I'm going to go win her back! Do you know where I can get a pretty candle?! No.
Come on, Schmidt, get in the car.
Get in the car.
I love her, Jess.
I have to tell her.
Well, you can't.
You have to let her go.
I know.
Look, you're right.
I know.
Okay, good.
Come on, get back in the car.
I also know that in about 30 seconds, I'm gonna run away from you again, and this time, I will lose you.
I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks.
I will live in the shadows, just slithering, lurking, trolling the darkness.
Jess, there's only one way for you to stop me.
Well, I'll do it, whatever it is.
Hit me with your car.
What?! No! No! It's the only way for you to stop me! No! That's crazy, Schmidt! Come on, Jess.
Now, do it! I deserve it.
I cheated on your best friend, I tried to break up you and Nick.
- Hit the gas.
- No! No! Jess, you do this, or I'm gonna run.
- I don't want to! - I'm gonna give you to the count of three.
- No, I don't want to! Schmidt! - Three.
Two.
Do it for Cece.
Oh, my God! What the hell was that?! You told me to hit you with the car! - You friggin' hit me with your vehicle! - You asked me to.
- I didn't think you were gonna do it.
- I barely tapped you.
This is my favorite utility khaki! Well, then don't tell me to hit you with my car if you don't want me to hit you with my car! - You're out of control! - What? Ma'am, please pull over.
Jess! Oh, my God! Schmidt! Son of a bitch! - I know how this looks.
- Like you hit a man with your car? Twice.
I only meant to hit you once.
- Well, you hit me twice.
- Also, he asked me to hit him.
I'm in a really weird place.
- I just need to write a report.
- She's not a criminal.
She She was being a friend.
I hit him because I care about him.
You guys are into some weird stuff.
Well, congratulations.
You made it.
I did, didn't I? Yeah.
And, hey, you know, don't worry about the hospital bill.
I'll pay it.
Wait a minute.
Did you think that I was gonna pay? Well, you hit me with your car, and I thought You told me to hit you with the car.
Schmidt, don't pretend you're fine.
I know you're not.
I'm not fine.
But I will be.
Uh Let's just wait it out.
Okay.
God, it's been a half an hour.
Come up for air, you weirdoes.
Mm, mm, mm.
I'm getting kind of revved up.
Nick has some work to do.
Oh, God.
Give me a chocolate.
Mm.
- Hey, there.
- Hey.
Can I get some of that? Mm-hmm.
You spending the night, or what? Oh, hell, yeah.