NewsRadio (1995) s03e09 Episode Script
Stocks
Ohayo "gatsumatsu," everyone.
I'm back from Japan.
Land of the rising sun.
And that's, uh-- That's actually how they say hello in Japan.
Ohayo "gatsumatsu.
" "Oh, homina homina" to you too, dude.
Slow it down.
I'm not fluent.
I was only there a week.
Ohayo "gatsumatsu.
" Oh, nobody really cares about my trip, huh? Did get you some presents though.
Hey, welcome back.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hi.
You would have loved it.
I saw the, uh, Imperial Palace, and, uh, Harajuku, music street.
You've probably heard of that.
Ah, the black ship Matthew, fat with treasures from the Far East.
I don't know if I'd say fat, but I did eat a lot over there.
Hey, you know, in Japan you're allowed to eat seaweed.
No.
That is so fascinating, I almost forgot you had presents.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Catherine.
Bill.
Lisa.
This is for you.
Oh, honey, this is a beautiful box.
Oh, it reminded me of you.
Very beautiful on the outside.
And on the inside the unknown.
You can put paper clips, stuff in it, you know.
Hey! I have always wanted one of these.
Well, it wobbles.
See.
Da-da In Japan they love those wobble heads.
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
BILL: What is this? MATTHEW: Oh.
LISA: That-- That is a Hello Kitty backpack, silly.
It is so perfect for him, isn't it? Uh, yes.
That has Bill written all over it.
Oh, Matthew, I can't accept this.
Oh, no.
Please.
Because I'm neither Japanese, But thank you for the thought.
Yay! These are like, um, weird Japanese nudie magazines.
Right, because I know how you're fascinated by the different aesthetic sensibilities of various cultures.
How did you know that? He didn't.
He bought them for himself and gave them to you by accident.
[.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[SCREECHES.]
Okay, Joe, I think we've established that the chair squeaks.
Sh.
A chair can squeak for a number of reasons.
If you just listen, she'll tell you where it hurts.
[SQUEAKS.]
Excuse me, Dr.
Doolittle.
Do you think you could translate for those of us that don't speak office chair? Yeah, I can't fix it.
Can't you just put oil on it, or something? She says oil won't help.
My chair does not have a gender.
Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.
So, what am I supposed to do? Ahem.
Go into Dave's office and ask him for a new chair.
Oh.
I don't know.
Dave's been really uptight about the budget lately.
Well, I'm sure he can make a special exception for you.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, whenever you need something, all you gotta do is go in there [DEEP SOUTH ACCENT.]
and ask your sugar daddy.
Dave is not my sugar daddy.
Ah, sweet papa.
Whatever.
Hey, Lisa, I need a new stapler.
So if you get a chance while you're with Dave shaking your stuff for a new chair, could you ask-- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I have never ever been the kind of person who shakes her stuff.
Okay, so you're a little light in the stuff department.
That's okay.
But I think we've all seen you shake what you've got.
W-where did everybody get the idea that I'm some sort of office supply whore? I-- Lisa, I'm out of thumbtacks.
Dave doesn't seem to respond well to my back rubs, so if you could-- Okay.
I really resent this.
You know, when I am in the office, I work very hard to maintain a completely professional relationship with Dave.
That's the best way.
Don't get emotionally involved.
Just lie back, close your eyes Hey, Mr.
James, can I talk to you for a s-- Oh.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was cracker time.
No.
No, no, that's okay.
What-- What do you need? Something really great just happened.
Yup.
I got a call from my Aunt Winnie's lawyer-- Cut to the good part.
I've inherited some money.
Ooh, and what a good part it is.
How much? A lot.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Enough to pay off my college loans, my credit cards, my back rent, and if they paid me the rest in $1 bills, I'd have enough left over to roll around in naked.
Ooh, well Congratulations.
That's great.
Thank you! That's great.
It feels good to have your head above water, huh? Oh, it feels so good! It feels so good.
Then I started thinking, right? Oh, no.
The stock market is just sitting there virtually begging to quadruple my money for me, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
That's just the kind of boundless optimism that earned the Donner party their place in history.
Tell you what.
Newsflash.
I don't give stock tips.
Oh, but Mr.
-- Stock tips.
Excellent.
I like Lockheed these days.
How about you? Sorry, Bill.
No stock tips.
Well, why are you giving tips to her? I'm not giving tips to her or anyone.
Jimmy don't do that.
But Jim, you know what they say: "Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
"Teach a man to fish--" And he spends all his time in the basement tying flies and neglecting his personal hygiene.
Look, uh, aren't you supposed to be on the air? No, actually.
Yes, you are.
Yes, I am.
Mr.
James, why won't you share your knowledge with me? It's just not fair.
Oh, honeybunch, if life were fair, there wouldn't be rich people.
[FAKE KNOCKING SOUND.]
Hey.
How was your trip? Oh, Dave, observe: See? In Japan it is customary to remove one's shoes before entering the domicile.
Well, isn't that fascinating.
Oh, Dave.
Oh, my, you would of-- You would have loved it.
A week in a foreign place.
Strange people, strange customs.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
I've been to Canada.
Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Ah.
Clearly, you've never been to Winnipeg.
I did bring you a little present though.
Oh, please let it be a wobble head.
Voilà ! I'm sure they probably have a Japanese way of saying voilà , but I was only there a week, so It's-- It's, um-- It's a sword.
No, it's not just a sword.
It's a katana sword.
Uh-huh.
Modeled after the one made by the, uh great Nagamitsu of Bizen for the samurai, Kujiro.
Ow! Oh, it's Ow.
very sharp.
Very sharp.
It's very real.
They say this thing can [MAKES SWOOSHING NOISE.]
slice a man right in two.
What? Well-- Wow.
I say-- Well, you know, uh, considering that, I hope you won't be offended, but I-- I really don't like to have knives or guns or man-splitting swords, uh, in the office.
It makes me a little uncomfortable.
Okay.
I guess I'll just-- I guess I'll give it to Joe-- Oh, on the other hand, perhaps I should, uh hang onto this for a little while.
I'm a little less susceptible to roid rage than Joe.
So Great! All right.
"Oriagato" "goshiamatsa.
" Okay, somebody stole my shoes while we were talking.
No! Wrong! No! I do not give stock advice, especially to friends, because if the tip goes south, then, heh, I'm out a friend.
Yeah, but all my friends give me bad advice-- Beth, no-- Mr.
James, I thrive on bad advice! I thrive on bad advice.
That would explain the hairdo.
Come on, Jim, one tip.
I get in, I make the bread, and boom! I'm out like a thief in the night.
I do not consort with thieves.
Well, I'm not actually a thief.
Really? Does that mean you're gonna give Matthew his shoes back? When he's ready for them.
Great.
Great.
I'll tell you what, I'm out of here.
This has been the worst cracker time in recorded history.
Okay, great.
I'm just gonna do this on my own.
Good! Be my guest.
But just be careful, all right? Okay, don't worry about me.
No.
Come on, I'm serious here, Beth.
You be careful, because the market can be a cruel mistress.
Well, so can I.
But that's not how I wanna make my money anymore.
All right.
What were you-- What were you thinking about investing in? Great.
I have it right here.
All right.
One second.
Yup.
Okay, um Just hold that.
Yeah.
Hang on, um No, that's not it.
Just one sec.
Beth.
No, it's this last one right here.
Here it is.
It's just that I'm not sure if that's the name of the stock, or of the guy at the bar who gave me the name of the stock.
Fine.
I can see that I need to give you some stock advice.
Excellent.
Excellent! Not you.
Just her.
Well, that's not fair.
Well, Bill, if life were fair, there wouldn't be rich people.
That's my girl! Now scram, Bill.
Now, okay, Beth Yes? All right, now, before we begin, I want you to-- I want you to promise me that you'll, uh Get out of there, Bill.
Here it is.
Joe.
Joe, come here for a sec.
Oh, here's another one of the Tokyo airport.
They really have an amazing automated baggage system.
You'd have to ride around on it to believe it.
You know, this is interesting, but I have a lot of work to do today, so I think-- Oh, excuse me.
"Summymason.
" See, in Japan, that's how they say excuse me.
"Summymason.
" "Summymason.
" Actually, I think it's pronounced sumimasen, but that's fascinating, nonetheless.
Ah, Matthew, do you mind if I talk to Lisa for a second? Oh, sure.
Hey, you know who's really popular in Japan? Brad Pitt.
It's like he's a movie star over there.
Wow.
I-I am sorry to interrupt.
It's just that, do you know anyone that knows exactly how sushi is made? Yeah.
Joe was asking about it-- Oh, yeah, Joe? You know? Sure.
Where is he? Thank you.
Anytime.
Do you have the previous draft of this? Ah, yes.
Oh, great.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS.]
You should-- You should get Joe to fix that.
He says he can't.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's a structural defect.
And then they roll up the rice in the little log-shaped thing.
Well, I'll get Beth to order you a new one.
No, no, no, no.
That won't be necessary.
[SQUEAK.]
Mm-hm.
That doesn't bother you? No.
Really? Yeah.
Huh.
See? [SQUEAKS.]
That's right.
Shake it, honey.
JIMMY: You're gonna love this! Thank you! See? Oh, my God! See how it is? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's just like, uh-- Well, it's like TV without all those people running around doing stupid stuff with a fake laugh track.
Who taught you all this stuff about stocks? Well, no one.
No one.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
Are you serious? Yeah! Started out with, you know, a high school diploma, a secondhand suit, and $100 worth of savings bonds.
Well I invested those bonds into a little company called-- What? Hang on for one second, would you? Three, two, one Ahh! Anyway Now, I-- I'm sorry, where was I? You invested the bonds in a company.
Oh, yeah.
Invested in that little guy-- Well, to make a long story short I'm rich! [LAUGHS.]
You know, in Japan they call coffee kohi.
Milku.
Milk is milku.
In fact, in Japan they've got all kinds of different things to eat.
Yeah, I know, Matthew.
It's called Chinese food.
Shut up.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS.]
You know, your chair squeaks.
Yes.
Just ignore it.
Move along.
Don't get involved.
Well, Dave would probably buy you a new one if you just asked him right.
Won't be necessary.
Seriously.
Just go up to him and give him one of your sex looks, and-- My what? Your sex looks.
You know, that look you give him every time you want him to do something.
You know-- You know, it's like: No.
And that, in a nutshell, is the principle behind the bond market.
Hold on a second.
Bill? BILL: Yeah, Jim? Would you mind getting out from underneath the table? BILL: Sure thing.
BILL: Oh, you mean right now? Yeah, right now.
Last time you get away from me, you little rascal.
Soyou see all these, uh, charts and graphs here? Yeah.
Well, that's all fine, but-- What we gotta do, you gotta get down-- You gotta get down to the street level to see how that effects the common man.
You know, that way you don't stick your money into something that you don't want to.
Now, you see Matthew over there? Uh-huh.
Now, check this out.
Come on.
Now, pull that up there.
All right.
Now see, once a month, I sneak a variety of candies into Matthew's desk there.
You know, and so far, his reactions have given me an 18 percent increase in my entire consumer goods portfolio.
Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there? No.
I think in Matthew's world, candy elves are a common occurrence.
Mm-hm.
I feel like I'm watching a National Geographic special.
I know.
Just hang on.
Hang on for a second.
Bingo! That's it.
What? Was that a good one? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
See how he's protecting that there? Yeah.
Well, see, he had some, and now he wants more.
That's our stuff.
We're supposed to buy the stock just based on that, that he likes that one candy? Well, yeah.
Well, that and the fact that, uh, the company that makes them just got a government contract to, uh, make nougat clusters for the Pentagon.
There he goes.
[.]
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up, Mr.
James? Ricardo will have the fridge up and running in no time.
Good, good.
Uh, could you give us a moment? Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Be right here if you need me, buddy.
Bueno.
BETH: Bye-bye, Joe.
Okay, what do we do now? Now, we go check to see how your stock's doing.
Okay.
Alrighty.
Mmm, bup.
There it is! They showed my stock! This is so exciting! Oh.
Yeah, you got yourself a live one there, honey.
Okay, okay, okay.
There it is, 30 points.
Uh-huh.
Okay, 29 points.
And how much did you buy it at? Thirty something.
Twenty-seven and a quarter.
Uh, 21.
Oh.
Nineteen.
I'm so sorry, Beth.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, hold, hold on! Nineteen.
There you go.
Twenty.
It's going.
Twenty-one! Ah-ha! Twenty.
Thirteen.
Thirteen? Thirteen? I gotta make a phone call.
Okay.
Okay.
I sold my stock.
I bought it at 33, and I sold it at I sold it at one.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I just don't know what happened.
No, it's okay.
I only lost $32.
Per share.
Per what? Per what? Per share.
How many shares did you buy? Um, like a hundred.
Oh, well-- Okay, so I only lost $132.
That's not bad at all.
Yeah.
Something like that.
You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, right? That's right.
But you could feed an army with the omelet you're making there, honey.
Let's try it again.
I've put off the college loan people for years, I can put them off a bit longer.
That's right.
What are they gonna do, put you in jail? Actually, they have mentioned that.
If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, Vader.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Come in.
David, how do you like the sword? Oh, oh, it's great.
Thank you very much, Matthew.
What's going on? Why is it in the garbage? Huh? What? Um It's sitting in the garbage-- Oh, because, uh Well, Matthew, see, in Japan they use waste paper baskets as sword receptacles.
No, they don't.
Oh, I should have given it to Joe.
I knew it.
Hey, listen, if you had given that to Joe, I'd be talking to your torso right now.
[POUNDING SOUND.]
What's that? All right.
I am ordering you a new chair.
Dave, that is not gonna be necessary.
And I think that stapler is on its last legs as well.
Stuff or no stuff, you are good.
[SIGHS.]
Beth, I think we need to talk.
I know, our stock's in the toilet.
What's the next step? No, no, no, no.
No more tips.
You lost all your college loan money.
There's nothing left.
No, I have credit card money.
I have credit card money.
No.
Seriously.
No.
Look.
Half the credit card companies don't even know my real name.
Come on, let's go! No, no.
I'll tell you what-- No, no, no.
You just take this and fill it out, and we'll leave it at that.
I don't mind losing the money, but I'm not about to lose a friend.
I can't take that.
Take it.
I can't.
Take it.
I didn't lose any money.
What? I took all the stock tips you gave me, and I sold them to Bill.
You sold them to Bill? I told you specifically-- Oh, I know, I know! It was so wrong! I'm so sorry, Mr.
James.
Seriously.
You can have every bit of money that I made off of Bill, just please don't be mad at me.
Oh, come-- How much is that? It's $2000.
He gave me-- OhBeth.
Beth-- I'm sorry, he gave me $500 a tip, and there was four tips, so it's $2000.
What can I say? I know, I'm so sorry.
I am so proud of you! [LAUGHS.]
Plus, he still gave you the 500 even after the third one tanked? Baby! Welcome to the world of high finance.
Yeah, but, I don't understand.
All I did was sell someone something that I didn't even own that wasn't worth anything.
Like I said, welcome to the world of high finance.
Hey, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is more than 2000.
This is, uh [SNIFFS.]
2500.
Oh, right.
I picked one out of the paper myself and sold it to him.
I figured he wouldn't know the difference.
How did it do? Who cares? What's wrong? Have you ever lost something very dear to you? Well, yeah.
Yeah, when I was 12, we had this this dog-- I was thinking more along the lines of a massive sum of cash.
Stock market? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
But it's not just the money I've lost, Dave.
It's hopes, dreams All I wanted was enough to buy a little house in Nantucket, and a boat, an old pickup truck, two or three Ferraris, maybe a Porsche 911 turbo.
Wow.
That gets me right you know, here.
Well, it's all gone now.
Gone.
Bill, that-- That's actually very sharp.
The house, gone.
The boat, gone.
The car, gone.
The other car, gone.
The other car-- Bill.
Bill.
Bill, put-- Put the sword down.
The what? That's a real sword.
This is a real sword? Oh, very, very real.
Well, what are you letting me wave this thing around for? Jeez! DAVE: If you want a new chair, just say so.
LISA: No, I don't want any special treatment.
Look, Lisa, come on, just say it with me.
Dave, I need a new chair.
My chair is fine.
[SIGHS.]
No, it is not.
I will die before I ask for a new chair.
Stand back, everyone.
I'm about to put this chair out of its misery.
David, you do not have to do this to make me feel-- Okay, I admit it.
I admit it.
I didn't actually go to Japan.
What? I had the plane ticket and everything, and I-- I chickened out and I-- I spent the whole week in a library reading about Japan, so that you guys wouldn't think I wasweird.
Well, dude, let me be the first to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look, somebody help me clean this up.
LISA: Dave! DAVE: Yes? LISA: I need a new chair.
JOE [HIGH PITCHED VOICE.]
: Whoo-whooo! The lights go out, and the love talk starts.
CATHERINE: I wish I had a sweet papa like that.
DAVE: Listen, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here.
LISA [WHISPERING.]
: Shut up.
DAVE: I'm on your side.
LISA: I know.
I just don't think the time to bring it up is when you're waving a huge sword around in a dark room.
CATHERINE: MM-mm-mm-mm-mm I don't know, I still feel really bad about Bill.
Oh, hey, Bill's a grownup.
He can take care of himself.
Couldn't we give him just one juicy stock tip? Oh, you know what? Actually, I did come across a hot one for Amalgamated Turbine, but you know, on principle.
What was the name? Uh, Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.
I'm back from Japan.
Land of the rising sun.
And that's, uh-- That's actually how they say hello in Japan.
Ohayo "gatsumatsu.
" "Oh, homina homina" to you too, dude.
Slow it down.
I'm not fluent.
I was only there a week.
Ohayo "gatsumatsu.
" Oh, nobody really cares about my trip, huh? Did get you some presents though.
Hey, welcome back.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hi.
You would have loved it.
I saw the, uh, Imperial Palace, and, uh, Harajuku, music street.
You've probably heard of that.
Ah, the black ship Matthew, fat with treasures from the Far East.
I don't know if I'd say fat, but I did eat a lot over there.
Hey, you know, in Japan you're allowed to eat seaweed.
No.
That is so fascinating, I almost forgot you had presents.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Catherine.
Bill.
Lisa.
This is for you.
Oh, honey, this is a beautiful box.
Oh, it reminded me of you.
Very beautiful on the outside.
And on the inside the unknown.
You can put paper clips, stuff in it, you know.
Hey! I have always wanted one of these.
Well, it wobbles.
See.
Da-da In Japan they love those wobble heads.
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
BILL: What is this? MATTHEW: Oh.
LISA: That-- That is a Hello Kitty backpack, silly.
It is so perfect for him, isn't it? Uh, yes.
That has Bill written all over it.
Oh, Matthew, I can't accept this.
Oh, no.
Please.
Because I'm neither Japanese, But thank you for the thought.
Yay! These are like, um, weird Japanese nudie magazines.
Right, because I know how you're fascinated by the different aesthetic sensibilities of various cultures.
How did you know that? He didn't.
He bought them for himself and gave them to you by accident.
[.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
[SCREECHES.]
Okay, Joe, I think we've established that the chair squeaks.
Sh.
A chair can squeak for a number of reasons.
If you just listen, she'll tell you where it hurts.
[SQUEAKS.]
Excuse me, Dr.
Doolittle.
Do you think you could translate for those of us that don't speak office chair? Yeah, I can't fix it.
Can't you just put oil on it, or something? She says oil won't help.
My chair does not have a gender.
Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't.
So, what am I supposed to do? Ahem.
Go into Dave's office and ask him for a new chair.
Oh.
I don't know.
Dave's been really uptight about the budget lately.
Well, I'm sure he can make a special exception for you.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, whenever you need something, all you gotta do is go in there [DEEP SOUTH ACCENT.]
and ask your sugar daddy.
Dave is not my sugar daddy.
Ah, sweet papa.
Whatever.
Hey, Lisa, I need a new stapler.
So if you get a chance while you're with Dave shaking your stuff for a new chair, could you ask-- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I have never ever been the kind of person who shakes her stuff.
Okay, so you're a little light in the stuff department.
That's okay.
But I think we've all seen you shake what you've got.
W-where did everybody get the idea that I'm some sort of office supply whore? I-- Lisa, I'm out of thumbtacks.
Dave doesn't seem to respond well to my back rubs, so if you could-- Okay.
I really resent this.
You know, when I am in the office, I work very hard to maintain a completely professional relationship with Dave.
That's the best way.
Don't get emotionally involved.
Just lie back, close your eyes Hey, Mr.
James, can I talk to you for a s-- Oh.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was cracker time.
No.
No, no, that's okay.
What-- What do you need? Something really great just happened.
Yup.
I got a call from my Aunt Winnie's lawyer-- Cut to the good part.
I've inherited some money.
Ooh, and what a good part it is.
How much? A lot.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Enough to pay off my college loans, my credit cards, my back rent, and if they paid me the rest in $1 bills, I'd have enough left over to roll around in naked.
Ooh, well Congratulations.
That's great.
Thank you! That's great.
It feels good to have your head above water, huh? Oh, it feels so good! It feels so good.
Then I started thinking, right? Oh, no.
The stock market is just sitting there virtually begging to quadruple my money for me, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
That's just the kind of boundless optimism that earned the Donner party their place in history.
Tell you what.
Newsflash.
I don't give stock tips.
Oh, but Mr.
-- Stock tips.
Excellent.
I like Lockheed these days.
How about you? Sorry, Bill.
No stock tips.
Well, why are you giving tips to her? I'm not giving tips to her or anyone.
Jimmy don't do that.
But Jim, you know what they say: "Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
"Teach a man to fish--" And he spends all his time in the basement tying flies and neglecting his personal hygiene.
Look, uh, aren't you supposed to be on the air? No, actually.
Yes, you are.
Yes, I am.
Mr.
James, why won't you share your knowledge with me? It's just not fair.
Oh, honeybunch, if life were fair, there wouldn't be rich people.
[FAKE KNOCKING SOUND.]
Hey.
How was your trip? Oh, Dave, observe: See? In Japan it is customary to remove one's shoes before entering the domicile.
Well, isn't that fascinating.
Oh, Dave.
Oh, my, you would of-- You would have loved it.
A week in a foreign place.
Strange people, strange customs.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
I've been to Canada.
Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Ah.
Clearly, you've never been to Winnipeg.
I did bring you a little present though.
Oh, please let it be a wobble head.
Voilà ! I'm sure they probably have a Japanese way of saying voilà , but I was only there a week, so It's-- It's, um-- It's a sword.
No, it's not just a sword.
It's a katana sword.
Uh-huh.
Modeled after the one made by the, uh great Nagamitsu of Bizen for the samurai, Kujiro.
Ow! Oh, it's Ow.
very sharp.
Very sharp.
It's very real.
They say this thing can [MAKES SWOOSHING NOISE.]
slice a man right in two.
What? Well-- Wow.
I say-- Well, you know, uh, considering that, I hope you won't be offended, but I-- I really don't like to have knives or guns or man-splitting swords, uh, in the office.
It makes me a little uncomfortable.
Okay.
I guess I'll just-- I guess I'll give it to Joe-- Oh, on the other hand, perhaps I should, uh hang onto this for a little while.
I'm a little less susceptible to roid rage than Joe.
So Great! All right.
"Oriagato" "goshiamatsa.
" Okay, somebody stole my shoes while we were talking.
No! Wrong! No! I do not give stock advice, especially to friends, because if the tip goes south, then, heh, I'm out a friend.
Yeah, but all my friends give me bad advice-- Beth, no-- Mr.
James, I thrive on bad advice! I thrive on bad advice.
That would explain the hairdo.
Come on, Jim, one tip.
I get in, I make the bread, and boom! I'm out like a thief in the night.
I do not consort with thieves.
Well, I'm not actually a thief.
Really? Does that mean you're gonna give Matthew his shoes back? When he's ready for them.
Great.
Great.
I'll tell you what, I'm out of here.
This has been the worst cracker time in recorded history.
Okay, great.
I'm just gonna do this on my own.
Good! Be my guest.
But just be careful, all right? Okay, don't worry about me.
No.
Come on, I'm serious here, Beth.
You be careful, because the market can be a cruel mistress.
Well, so can I.
But that's not how I wanna make my money anymore.
All right.
What were you-- What were you thinking about investing in? Great.
I have it right here.
All right.
One second.
Yup.
Okay, um Just hold that.
Yeah.
Hang on, um No, that's not it.
Just one sec.
Beth.
No, it's this last one right here.
Here it is.
It's just that I'm not sure if that's the name of the stock, or of the guy at the bar who gave me the name of the stock.
Fine.
I can see that I need to give you some stock advice.
Excellent.
Excellent! Not you.
Just her.
Well, that's not fair.
Well, Bill, if life were fair, there wouldn't be rich people.
That's my girl! Now scram, Bill.
Now, okay, Beth Yes? All right, now, before we begin, I want you to-- I want you to promise me that you'll, uh Get out of there, Bill.
Here it is.
Joe.
Joe, come here for a sec.
Oh, here's another one of the Tokyo airport.
They really have an amazing automated baggage system.
You'd have to ride around on it to believe it.
You know, this is interesting, but I have a lot of work to do today, so I think-- Oh, excuse me.
"Summymason.
" See, in Japan, that's how they say excuse me.
"Summymason.
" "Summymason.
" Actually, I think it's pronounced sumimasen, but that's fascinating, nonetheless.
Ah, Matthew, do you mind if I talk to Lisa for a second? Oh, sure.
Hey, you know who's really popular in Japan? Brad Pitt.
It's like he's a movie star over there.
Wow.
I-I am sorry to interrupt.
It's just that, do you know anyone that knows exactly how sushi is made? Yeah.
Joe was asking about it-- Oh, yeah, Joe? You know? Sure.
Where is he? Thank you.
Anytime.
Do you have the previous draft of this? Ah, yes.
Oh, great.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS.]
You should-- You should get Joe to fix that.
He says he can't.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's a structural defect.
And then they roll up the rice in the little log-shaped thing.
Well, I'll get Beth to order you a new one.
No, no, no, no.
That won't be necessary.
[SQUEAK.]
Mm-hm.
That doesn't bother you? No.
Really? Yeah.
Huh.
See? [SQUEAKS.]
That's right.
Shake it, honey.
JIMMY: You're gonna love this! Thank you! See? Oh, my God! See how it is? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, it's just like, uh-- Well, it's like TV without all those people running around doing stupid stuff with a fake laugh track.
Who taught you all this stuff about stocks? Well, no one.
No one.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
Are you serious? Yeah! Started out with, you know, a high school diploma, a secondhand suit, and $100 worth of savings bonds.
Well I invested those bonds into a little company called-- What? Hang on for one second, would you? Three, two, one Ahh! Anyway Now, I-- I'm sorry, where was I? You invested the bonds in a company.
Oh, yeah.
Invested in that little guy-- Well, to make a long story short I'm rich! [LAUGHS.]
You know, in Japan they call coffee kohi.
Milku.
Milk is milku.
In fact, in Japan they've got all kinds of different things to eat.
Yeah, I know, Matthew.
It's called Chinese food.
Shut up.
[CHAIR SQUEAKS.]
You know, your chair squeaks.
Yes.
Just ignore it.
Move along.
Don't get involved.
Well, Dave would probably buy you a new one if you just asked him right.
Won't be necessary.
Seriously.
Just go up to him and give him one of your sex looks, and-- My what? Your sex looks.
You know, that look you give him every time you want him to do something.
You know-- You know, it's like: No.
And that, in a nutshell, is the principle behind the bond market.
Hold on a second.
Bill? BILL: Yeah, Jim? Would you mind getting out from underneath the table? BILL: Sure thing.
BILL: Oh, you mean right now? Yeah, right now.
Last time you get away from me, you little rascal.
Soyou see all these, uh, charts and graphs here? Yeah.
Well, that's all fine, but-- What we gotta do, you gotta get down-- You gotta get down to the street level to see how that effects the common man.
You know, that way you don't stick your money into something that you don't want to.
Now, you see Matthew over there? Uh-huh.
Now, check this out.
Come on.
Now, pull that up there.
All right.
Now see, once a month, I sneak a variety of candies into Matthew's desk there.
You know, and so far, his reactions have given me an 18 percent increase in my entire consumer goods portfolio.
Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there? No.
I think in Matthew's world, candy elves are a common occurrence.
Mm-hm.
I feel like I'm watching a National Geographic special.
I know.
Just hang on.
Hang on for a second.
Bingo! That's it.
What? Was that a good one? Mm-hm.
Yeah.
See how he's protecting that there? Yeah.
Well, see, he had some, and now he wants more.
That's our stuff.
We're supposed to buy the stock just based on that, that he likes that one candy? Well, yeah.
Well, that and the fact that, uh, the company that makes them just got a government contract to, uh, make nougat clusters for the Pentagon.
There he goes.
[.]
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up, Mr.
James? Ricardo will have the fridge up and running in no time.
Good, good.
Uh, could you give us a moment? Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Be right here if you need me, buddy.
Bueno.
BETH: Bye-bye, Joe.
Okay, what do we do now? Now, we go check to see how your stock's doing.
Okay.
Alrighty.
Mmm, bup.
There it is! They showed my stock! This is so exciting! Oh.
Yeah, you got yourself a live one there, honey.
Okay, okay, okay.
There it is, 30 points.
Uh-huh.
Okay, 29 points.
And how much did you buy it at? Thirty something.
Twenty-seven and a quarter.
Uh, 21.
Oh.
Nineteen.
I'm so sorry, Beth.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, hold, hold on! Nineteen.
There you go.
Twenty.
It's going.
Twenty-one! Ah-ha! Twenty.
Thirteen.
Thirteen? Thirteen? I gotta make a phone call.
Okay.
Okay.
I sold my stock.
I bought it at 33, and I sold it at I sold it at one.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I just don't know what happened.
No, it's okay.
I only lost $32.
Per share.
Per what? Per what? Per share.
How many shares did you buy? Um, like a hundred.
Oh, well-- Okay, so I only lost $132.
That's not bad at all.
Yeah.
Something like that.
You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet, right? That's right.
But you could feed an army with the omelet you're making there, honey.
Let's try it again.
I've put off the college loan people for years, I can put them off a bit longer.
That's right.
What are they gonna do, put you in jail? Actually, they have mentioned that.
If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, Vader.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Come in.
David, how do you like the sword? Oh, oh, it's great.
Thank you very much, Matthew.
What's going on? Why is it in the garbage? Huh? What? Um It's sitting in the garbage-- Oh, because, uh Well, Matthew, see, in Japan they use waste paper baskets as sword receptacles.
No, they don't.
Oh, I should have given it to Joe.
I knew it.
Hey, listen, if you had given that to Joe, I'd be talking to your torso right now.
[POUNDING SOUND.]
What's that? All right.
I am ordering you a new chair.
Dave, that is not gonna be necessary.
And I think that stapler is on its last legs as well.
Stuff or no stuff, you are good.
[SIGHS.]
Beth, I think we need to talk.
I know, our stock's in the toilet.
What's the next step? No, no, no, no.
No more tips.
You lost all your college loan money.
There's nothing left.
No, I have credit card money.
I have credit card money.
No.
Seriously.
No.
Look.
Half the credit card companies don't even know my real name.
Come on, let's go! No, no.
I'll tell you what-- No, no, no.
You just take this and fill it out, and we'll leave it at that.
I don't mind losing the money, but I'm not about to lose a friend.
I can't take that.
Take it.
I can't.
Take it.
I didn't lose any money.
What? I took all the stock tips you gave me, and I sold them to Bill.
You sold them to Bill? I told you specifically-- Oh, I know, I know! It was so wrong! I'm so sorry, Mr.
James.
Seriously.
You can have every bit of money that I made off of Bill, just please don't be mad at me.
Oh, come-- How much is that? It's $2000.
He gave me-- OhBeth.
Beth-- I'm sorry, he gave me $500 a tip, and there was four tips, so it's $2000.
What can I say? I know, I'm so sorry.
I am so proud of you! [LAUGHS.]
Plus, he still gave you the 500 even after the third one tanked? Baby! Welcome to the world of high finance.
Yeah, but, I don't understand.
All I did was sell someone something that I didn't even own that wasn't worth anything.
Like I said, welcome to the world of high finance.
Hey, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is more than 2000.
This is, uh [SNIFFS.]
2500.
Oh, right.
I picked one out of the paper myself and sold it to him.
I figured he wouldn't know the difference.
How did it do? Who cares? What's wrong? Have you ever lost something very dear to you? Well, yeah.
Yeah, when I was 12, we had this this dog-- I was thinking more along the lines of a massive sum of cash.
Stock market? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
But it's not just the money I've lost, Dave.
It's hopes, dreams All I wanted was enough to buy a little house in Nantucket, and a boat, an old pickup truck, two or three Ferraris, maybe a Porsche 911 turbo.
Wow.
That gets me right you know, here.
Well, it's all gone now.
Gone.
Bill, that-- That's actually very sharp.
The house, gone.
The boat, gone.
The car, gone.
The other car, gone.
The other car-- Bill.
Bill.
Bill, put-- Put the sword down.
The what? That's a real sword.
This is a real sword? Oh, very, very real.
Well, what are you letting me wave this thing around for? Jeez! DAVE: If you want a new chair, just say so.
LISA: No, I don't want any special treatment.
Look, Lisa, come on, just say it with me.
Dave, I need a new chair.
My chair is fine.
[SIGHS.]
No, it is not.
I will die before I ask for a new chair.
Stand back, everyone.
I'm about to put this chair out of its misery.
David, you do not have to do this to make me feel-- Okay, I admit it.
I admit it.
I didn't actually go to Japan.
What? I had the plane ticket and everything, and I-- I chickened out and I-- I spent the whole week in a library reading about Japan, so that you guys wouldn't think I wasweird.
Well, dude, let me be the first to congratulate you on a job well done.
Look, somebody help me clean this up.
LISA: Dave! DAVE: Yes? LISA: I need a new chair.
JOE [HIGH PITCHED VOICE.]
: Whoo-whooo! The lights go out, and the love talk starts.
CATHERINE: I wish I had a sweet papa like that.
DAVE: Listen, there's absolutely no favoritism at play here.
LISA [WHISPERING.]
: Shut up.
DAVE: I'm on your side.
LISA: I know.
I just don't think the time to bring it up is when you're waving a huge sword around in a dark room.
CATHERINE: MM-mm-mm-mm-mm I don't know, I still feel really bad about Bill.
Oh, hey, Bill's a grownup.
He can take care of himself.
Couldn't we give him just one juicy stock tip? Oh, you know what? Actually, I did come across a hot one for Amalgamated Turbine, but you know, on principle.
What was the name? Uh, Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.
Amalgamated Turbine.