Only Murders in the Building (2021) s03e09 Episode Script
Thirty
1
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ben? Everyone gets
opening night jitters!
♪
I'm good.
My review was going to be a pan.
This one just didn't sing.
NYPD, motherfuckers!
The stalker, he didn't do it!
The killer is someone in this room.
We've got to get in on those interviews.
- (SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
- The spooky sound from opening night.
Someone was in here shredding something.
We need to reassemble
these. There might be a clue.
OLIVER: We have the
interrogations on tape.
CHARLES: We recorded everything.
OLIVER: You don't owe
me any explanation.
Th-The book is a little odd.
MABEL: These aren't photos of Ben.
They're photos of Dickie.
When he was gone for those
brief moments, I felt free.
And then he was back.
DICKIE: I couldn't take it anymore.
DONNA: You spend your whole
life looking out for your child,
and you'll do anything
to make sure they're okay.
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Wait! I did it. I killed Ben.
No, you can't do this! Leave her alone!
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
- (HOLTER MONITOR BEEPING)
- Oh, my God
MABEL: Oliver?
- What's going on? Oliver!
- (OLIVER GRUNTS)
- CHARLES: Somebody! Get some help!
- MABEL: Oliver, wake up.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
MABEL: When I was 10,
my future looked so clear to me.
Married to Josh Hartnett,
with two kids, driving a Honda Odyssey.
Not a bad life.
Got another one coming. Push.
Wait, what's going on?
There's been a mistake.
I came here to see one of my friends.
He had a heart attack.
Don't worry.
You did great with the first two.
Just keep pushing.
You're having triplets.
No, I'm Triplets?
- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- And now, baby three!
MABEL: But here's the thing
about childhood fantasies.
- They almost never come true.
- (FANTASY BABIES BABBLING)
DOCTOR: Congratulations.
It's a podcast.
- Wah! (SUCKING)
- Mama!
- Wah! Wah!
- Mabel Mabel.
- Mabel! Mabel!
- Wah!
- OLIVER: Mabel!
- (EKG BEEPING)
The doctor said I can finally go home.
- What?
- Yeah.
No. No, no, no.
The man had a full-on
heart attack five days ago.
You rush him in here,
stick in a stent to prop
up his creaky artery
- Nobody said creaky.
- Now, you're just gonna go
and send him off into the world?
OLIVER: Mabel, I need to get back.
My show opens in two days,
and my star is about to
be charged with murder.
Doctor, maybe you should just
run a few more tests to be sure?
His body responded
very well to the stent.
Although I'm sure it was
quite a scare for all of you.
(SCOFFS) I wasn't scared.
Oh, is that so?
You know, I was just
pretending to be unconscious
when I heard you wailing,
"I can't let him go!
Come back to me, you
sweet son of a bitch!"
I was doing a performance
for the nurses.
They're big fans of
mine. What am I gonna do?
Not be Charles-Haden Savage?
Oh, admit it. You're obsessed with me.
Can't believe I actually missed this.
♪
Come on, Putnam. We've got work to do.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- CHARLES: Let's go.
MABEL: For starters,
if Loretta made up her
confession to protect her son,
don't we need to prove that her son
is Ben's real killer to get her out?
Loretta's been in jail a few days now.
I wonder if she's shaved her head
and gotten all jacked.
I can't let her take the fall for this.
She's the love of my life.
Love? I thought you
were just hooking up.
Oh, we hooked up.
We hooked up big time.
We hooked up and down
and every which direction.
- You name a way, we did a hook.
- Okay, alright, thank you.
Enough. Okay. I promise we
will get her home to you.
No matter how many face
tattoos she has now.
Eh-eh Charles, did you learn anything
from those police interrogations
we so skillfully recorded?
Actually, we haven't watched them yet.
We were sitting by your
bedside this whole time.
Mabel wanted to wait so
you could be a part of it.
Little softy.
- Aw!
- Uh, no! I
I didn't (SCOFFS) It
wasn't like I was like,
"Let's hold hands and
watch it together."
It was just like
Shut up.
- (OLIVER CHUCKLES)
- Okay, we're focusing on Dickie.
Loretta clearly thinks that he's guilty.
That's why she confessed to protect him.
Ben was poisoned,
and then later pushed
down the elevator shaft.
But, we don't know whose hanky
he was holding onto when he died.
I mean, it could be Dickie's.
We know that someone
wrote "fucking pig,"
in lipstick on his mirror,
and we have footage of
him in a heated moment
talking to an unseen person,
possibly a lover.
C-Can we just take a beat
to appreciate how magical this is?
The three of us,
reunited at last,
investigating as one.
Mabel, you stayed
faithful to the podcast.
You should take the lead.
Uh, just the besties are back.
Ooh! That should be our opening line!
You just said Mabel
should take the lead.
Can't I make a suggestion?
I narrowly escaped death,
and now you won't let me live?
Oh, wah, wah.
- Wah, wah!
- Wah, wah!
Oh, this is fucking weird.
Okay, okay. The besties are back.
(RECORDER BEEPS)
The besties are back.
It may take two to tango,
but it takes three to solve the
murder of an ill-fated movie star.
Welcome to a brand-new episode of
Only Murders in the Building.
Perfection.
(LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING)
(VOCALIZING)
♪
Let's just question Dickie
without spilling that
Loretta's his mother.
- It's not our place to tell him.
- Right.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh!
This one's for you.
Why do you still have
packages coming here?
Our geriatric doorman obviously forgot
I'm back from the hospital.
Lester's six months younger than you.
"Get well soon and find
me a new leading lady.
Smooches, Donna."
We are not gonna need
a new leading lady.
Oh, my God.
♪
Joy's wedding dress.
She had her mom send the
one she was married in,
so Joy could have it altered
for when she and I were
- I'll take this.
- Yeah.
Joy's mom is still alive?
Oh, yeah. Her dad, too. In fact,
he was gonna walk her down the aisle
holding her childhood dog.
We ready to go? Uh, clock's ticking.
OLIVER: Okay. (SIGHS)
So, Loretta, huh?
- I did not see that coming.
- OLIVER: Yeah.
Yeah. Us neither.
Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
For a minute,
we thought you did it.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
You did? Wh-Why?
Ah, it's so dumb.
We, um, we just know
- he stole CoBro from you.
- OLIVER: Uh-huh.
Oh.
Shit. Really?
Okay. Yeah, I was resentful.
Yeah, and you told me
you cover up things,
so I kinda figured you
covered up his blood work
to hide the poison in his system.
I did do that.
I mean, I didn't know he
was poisoned when I did it.
I just knew there was
other stuff in there
he wouldn't want getting out.
Wait, you believe me, right?
Oh, of course. Yes.
Out of, uh, curiosity,
where were you when Ben
was pushed to his death?
Because you weren't
pushing him, obviously.
E-Everyone knows that.
But, uh, unless
I left your party early.
I was freaked the fuck out
that Ben came back to life,
and I had to get outta there.
So, I
(SIGHS) I got wasted, put
on Ben's CoBro suit,
and went looking for drugs and whores.
- Well, who wouldn't?
- Wow.
Why should he have all the fun?
That's what Ben was into?
Every Thursday, he'd
disappear for hours.
And when I asked about it,
he'd say, "Snitches get stitches."
So, I tracked his phone
to a place on Broadway
between 35th and 36th,
where he'd go to
do sex with his "five whores,"
as he so affectionately called them.
He even saved opening
night seats for them.
Uh, Trixie, Marigold,
Emerald, Dot, and Mei Mei.
Here. (SIGHS)
♪
I was outside, screaming for them
to bring me the five whores.
I slept there all night.
A dog peed on me.
I hope it was a dog.
This is proof you weren't at the Arconia
when Ben was pushed.
The cops got that image
from a security camera
after I told them where I was,
but they didn't really
buy it as an alibi,
since you can't fully see my face.
I guess I should just be
grateful there isn't audio.
(SIGHS)
I just can't believe Loretta did it.
Well, for what it's worth,
w-we don't think she really did do it.
But why else would she confess?
- No idea.
- Oh, yeah, theater folk, cuckoo!
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Wait a minute.
If you guys think the
killer's still out there,
I should probably call my lawyer.
Um
- CHARLES: Hm.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
(PHONE STOPS RECORDING)
Guys, if he's telling the truth,
he couldn't have pushed Ben.
That means that Loretta gave herself up
for someone who didn't even do it.
If we can find the real killer in time,
maybe we can convince Loretta
to take back her confession.
Charles, her arraignment is at 5:00 p.m.
We need to figure out what Ben was doing
and who he was seeing
in the last few days
leading up to his death.
I say we start at Broadway and 35th.
Except we can't just walk into a brothel
without a reservation.
♪
I know what we need.
- (DISTANT SIREN WAILS)
- Nobody stops a guy with a ladder!
It gets you in anywhere.
(SIGHS) So the ladder's the new turkey.
It might work better if
the guy carrying the ladder
wasn't also wearing orthopedic shoes
- and dressed like a leprechaun.
- OLIVER: Hm!
Hey! Hey, this is it.
CHARLES: Snitches Get Stitches?
It's a fabric shop.
No, no, no, no, no. It's a front.
Brothels always use puns to
name their fake businesses.
I learned that by wandering
in the back of a cabinet shop
called All By My Shelf.
Follow my lead! Let
the ladder do the work.
Wait a second! I have a better way in.
No one says no to a crying man.
I did a scene in Brazzos, episode 315.
The Foreign Exchange Killer.
It was a good one.
And I cried a single solitary tear.
And that week, our
fan mail went sky high.
Mostly from men. You wanna know why?
You helped them access
their inner feelings.
Yes.
But just gimme a go. Gimme the stage.
No, no, no. No.
- Me first. (STRUGGLING)
- CHARLES: Stop it!
Just here to change a light bulb!
No, you can't go back there.
- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Of course not, dude.
We all know what's going
on in the back room.
Wink, wink.
But did you see my ladder?
(PHONY CRYING)
(FORCED PANTING)
I'm sorry. Is my crying upsetting you?
You're not crying.
Give it a minute.
(WHEEZING)
(GRUNTING, GASPS)
This guy's made of stone.
Do you have any menthol
for under the eyes?
Yeah, I have a bucket of menthol.
(GRUNTING, STRAINING)
Do you need a restroom?
We have one in the back.
Oh! Thank you so much. Get in there.
Thanks.
OLIVER: Ooh!
(SEWING MACHINES WHIRRING)
You're the five whores?
- (MACHINES STOP)
- MABEL: Please ignore him!
I'm sorry. We were just
looking for a group of women
- who might have known Ben Glenroy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- But we'll just get out of the way.
- Sorry.
Benny!
Oh, yes! We knew him!
Our sewing circle met
here every Thursday.
Benny said sewing kept him off
all those dangerous street drugs.
We miss him terribly.
When was the last time you saw him?
Oh, um,
his big opening night of Death Rattle.
♪
- (SEWING MACHINE WHIRRING)
- TRIXIE: We'd stayed up all night
helping him sew
these lovely hankies
for his cast and crew
while running lines.
"Everyone else in that
lighthouse is dead, Nanny.
So the killer is either
you, me, or the baby."
SEAMSTRESSES: "I wouldn't
bet on that baby, detective."
He wanted to make
something special for them,
something personal.
He said he treated a lot of them
like a steaming pile of cow manure.
We finished those hankies just in time,
and off Benny went to the theater.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm gonna see you all
at the theater, ladies.
- We're rooting for you. Bye.
- Love you. (KISSING)
TRIXIE: But then
Mei Mei, my phone.
BEN (ON VOICEMAIL): Uh, hey!
It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.
Um
Uh, a-are you guys coming to the show?
I really need you t-to be here.
Uh, I've just never felt
(VOICE BREAKING) so alone.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- OLIVER (ON VOICEMAIL): Ben?
Everyone gets opening night jitters!
I can talk you through it.
That's me just before curtain.
BEN (ON VOICEMAIL): I-I gotta
go. Please get here soon.
I'm surrounded by people I can't trust.
They're all out to get me.
TRIXIE: It's so hard
to hear him like that.
He was so excited for
us to see the show.
(OLIVER SIGHS)
- Alright. Okay. Okay.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you. Sorry. Thank you so much.
Oh, this
is a gift for you.
- It's a, a ladder. Okay.
- Oh, well, thank you!
Sorry for calling you whores.
Oh, that's alright.
I used to be one.
Okay. That's interesting. Bye.
MABEL: So what happened from the time
Ben arrived at the theater
on top of the world,
to leaving a distressed voicemail
30 minutes later? I mean,
who did he think was out to get him?
I already know how we can find out.
The interrogations.
Williams questioned everyone
who crossed paths with Ben that night,
and we can use those interrogations
to make a timeline of that 30 minutes!
Ah! I knew you were due for a good idea
since your last one six months ago.
Huh?
When you proposed we go halfsies
on a New Yorker digital subscription.
That was your idea.
Oh, good. You owe me $32,
and I'm keeping the free tote.
Shh, guys.
KT's up first.
KT (ON COMPUTER): All actors
must be at the theater
for what we call "half hour."
Boots on the ground 30
minutes before curtain.
Not 28, not 29, 30.
♪
Ben, of course, was late.
(BAGS RUSTLING)
(BEN SIGHS)
Check it! I have gifts for everyone.
Where the fuck have you
been? Get into costume!
Go!
KT sure knows how to kill a mood.
Someone should really
talk to her about her tone.
Oh, the producer's son is up next.
Oh, Cliff.
I saw Ben right after KT yelled at him.
Not a fan of her tone.
Schmackary's? They're so good.
Mom ordered them special.
Check out the rattles. Can you even?
(CLIFF CHUCKLES)
You know what, get those away from me.
I'm fasting till after the show.
Wait! No.
Let me just smell 'em.
(DEEP SNIFF) Oh, g
I said get them away from me!
Hey, listen. I need you to check
on my five guests for tonight.
Emerald, Trixie,
Marigold, Dot, and Mei Mei.
The five whores.
Sorry. I Th-That's how
I learned them in my brain.
Charles, can you scooch a little?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
So that's new. Ben was
fasting before the show.
- Let's keep going.
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
DICKIE (ON COMPUTER):
I'll admit, I was furious with Ben.
I mean, who shows up late
to his opening night?
It was always something
with him, which is why
(SIGHS) Loretta was
encouraging me to leave him.
♪
I just (SIGHS)
I just think you deserve
so much better, you know?
Look at your arm. Oh
These are stress hives.
I call 'em "Benny bites."
(LORETTA GROANS)
What about that cortisone
cream I gave you?
- Did you use that?
- DICKIE: I did.
How did we not get
that she's his mother?
I feel she's about to give him a bottle.
Doesn't Loretta look pretty?
And did you make that
list of bullet points
to say when you quit?
That always helps me, I tell you.
Sure. Yeah.
Uh-oh, incoming.
- Hey!
- You losers passing notes?
Okay, I'm gonna go warm up.
See you at fight call.
- Give it!
- (BEN LAUGHS)
Wait, what is this?
Are you quitting?
I was gonna wait till after the show.
She, she put you up to this.
'Cause you know fucking
Loretta, she's been
She's been driving a wedge
between us from day one.
It's not Loretta! It's you!
I've spent my entire life
catering to the great Ben Glenroy!
Who we all know isn't exactly
a delight to be around!
See bullet point four!
Ju
You know what? Yeah, fine.
Alright, fine. Go ahead.
Fuck if I care!
You're a lousy manager anyway.
And you know what? And you're
an even lousier brother.
I know you think you created it,
but I am CoBro!
Actually, no. You know what?
The way you just betrayed me?
I'm NoBro.
Because I don't have a brother anymore.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
OLIVER: Loretta was
encouraging Dickie to leave Ben?
- Messy, messy. Who's next?
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
After Ben arrived, I went to KT's office
to get the ritual broom.
The door was locked,
which I thought was odd.
(RATTLING KNOB)
That's odd.
(SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
♪
I'll do a progress
check on the shredder.
(KEYPAD CLACKING)
And so, it was the brilliant
Howard Francis Morris
who cracked the case by
- (WIND BLOWING)
- Oh, fuckity fuck!
(TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
(HOWARD SIGHS)
Howard says he needs more time.
If I'm not mistaken,
next up is Ben and Loretta's
fight call rehearsal.
- Oh, she told me about this on our date.
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
Well, Ben accused me of trying
to steal Dickie from him.
And this was just moments
after he learned his
brother was quitting.
(BEN PANTING)
♪
- LORETTA: You're late.
- BEN: Whatever.
Let's just do this.
That's enough, Detective.
I'm not gonna let you take that baby.
You are just a nanny.
You can't keep him.
You're not the mother.
He needs me to be his
mother now. (GRUNTS)
It's my job to protect him as
if he were born of my own flesh!
Wow, this dialogue really lines up.
What are you (GASPS)
(GRUNTS) Stay out of our lives!
- What?
- I mean it!
- Stay the fuck away from my brother.
- (LORETTA YELPS)
♪
LORETTA: He's been
nothing but loyal to you!
All you do is treat him like shit!
You weaseled your way
into this production.
No! Let me go, you fucking pig.
CHARLES: Hey, look. There's me.
God, I'm pale.
What the hell's going on?
Is that what I sound like?
He attacked me!
BEN: What? No, I didn't.
We were rehearsing.
- Stay out of it, fuckbag.
- Hey! (GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
That's
My face!
♪
I still can't believe you hit him.
Well, why don't you add "for
good reason" to the board?
Or "Charles punches Ben
and he had it coming"?
Anyway, this is where Joy
comes in to touch up the bruise,
which wasn't that bad anyway.
Yeah, e-easy, Cassius.
Joy leaves her lipstick behind
in Ben's dressing room, and
who's the next person to see him?
♪
(CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
DONNA (ON COMPUTER): I did see Ben, yes.
It was right after I gave
Cliff a little pep talk.
(LAUGHS)
My tummy is in knots.
Oh, it's almost showtime.
I've put everything into this play.
I need it to be a hit.
Oh, it will be.
- I won't let you fail, sweetie.
- (CLIFF SIGHS)
- Here's a kiss from Mommy.
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
BEN: Hey!
Wh-Where are my guests?
I don't see them in their seats.
Yeah, I think traffic's pretty bad.
Something's happening at
the UN. I don't know what.
You know, I'm boycotting global politics
until everyone just gets along.
Fuck.
DONNA: I'm going to be
straight with you, Ben.
It's opening night,
and you look like shit.
Can you see a mark?
What?
It's f-fucking Charles and Loretta.
I'm j I'm, I'm done with them both!
I don't know what's going
on with you, darling,
but this is not a good energy.
Go to your dressing room.
Be nice to Ben.
Do whatever it takes
to get your ass ready
to go on that stage.
(SIGHS) Alright.
♪
TOBERT: Oh, hey, you're here!
Yeah, well, where the
shit else would I be?
Right. Well, how about we start shooting
some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?
Look, dude, you know I-I'm
not an animal in your zoo.
What?
I'm doing the thing
you're paying me to do.
You know what? Not anymore.
- Wait!
- Gimme that!
Why don't you fuck the fuck off?
You know what? Fucking happy to!
(PUNCHES DOOR)
♪
So, Ben takes Tobert's camera
into his dressing room
where he's caught talking to somebody.
Watch.
(CLICKING TOUCHPAD)
I want you so fuckin' bad.
(SIGHS)
But you're gonna ruin my career.
And I'm gonna like it.
Who the hell is he talking to?
Everyone's accounted for.
This, my friends, is
what we call a dead end.
♪
(OLIVER SIGHING)
I told Ben, "I know what you did."
But I didn't have the whole picture.
His, his brother was leaving him.
I punched him.
He was fasting.
His elderly sewing ladies
got stuck in UN traffic
and didn't even see the show.
And all this goes on
30 minutes before his Broadway debut
after being up all night
making hankies for everybody?
Oh, my God.
It was Ben who needed
a hanky to cry into.
(SOBS) Oh jeez!
Oh!
The damn has burst!
(SOBBING)
Nah, there's a little bit.
- There's a little something.
- Eh, not much.
Thank God that's over.
(CHARLES SIGHS)
Ben must have been poisoned
in that pocket of time
by whoever he was talking to.
- I if we could just figure out
- CHARLES: Give it up.
We don't know what we don't know.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
- I'm sorry, Oliver.
I don't think we're gonna solve
this in time to free Loretta.
(OLIVER SIGHS) I suppose it's fine.
I guess I'll just die sad and alone.
Wanna know how I was able to
access those tears just now?
I thought about Joy.
Seeing her wedding dress
was like a punch in the gut.
I hear she's with Bakula now.
Scott or Jeff?
Scott. Who's Jeff Bakula?
Eh, I have both of you beat
in the "we're losers" competition.
I still don't have my life figured out,
I haven't solved this case,
and I have no place to live.
Still lost.
You don't have to have it all
worked out. You've got time.
Yeah, well, tell that
to 10-year-old Mabel.
(SIGHS) This is a MASH
from when I was a kid.
You know, the game that
tells you your future?
Anyway, mine predicted
that I would be married
to Josh Hartnett,
with two kids,
driving a Honda Odyssey.
I was so sure this MASH was right.
I made my mom promise to send
it to me when I turned 30.
Came in the mail today,
so perfect timing.
Wait.
Are you saying today's
your 30th birthday?
- (OLIVER GASPS)
- And you spent it running around
looking for clues with the two of us?
Honestly, there's no
way I'd rather spend it.
(OLIVER SIGHS)
What do you think
10-year-old Mabel would say
if she could see how your
life actually turned out?
Oh, she'd be horrified.
But what the fuck did she
know? She shopped at Wet Seal.
- (OLIVER CHUCKLES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
HOWARD: I did it!
I solved the shredder paper!
But I've been taping too long.
My vision's gone
blurry. I can't read it.
- No, no, o-over here. Yes, okay.
- Oh, you're over here.
O.M. God! I know what this is.
That fast?
No, I just need to read two words.
Two words I'll never forget.
"Didn't sing."
This is Maxine's review
of my original show,
but it was never published.
How did someone get ahold of this?
HOWARD: Two words. I need to get LASIK,
and he only needed two words.
- What is that?
- Torn paper?
I need to tape it together.
(GRABS PAPER)
Look what you've turned me into!
(THUDS) Ow.
This review says Ben was
the weak link of the show.
She said, "He was as wooden as
the lighthouse he's standing on."
What if someone read this that night?
Maybe they decided to get
rid of Ben to save the play.
There are a lot of careers
riding on it being a hit.
Not mine, of course.
I came to it as an
established TV veteran.
Yes, and thank you for your service.
Guys?
This could be our motive.
Now we're getting somewhere!
I-I need to refuel.
Charles, please tell
me you have some dips
I think there's some, uh,
Norwegian red herring in the fridge.
♪
Hey, did that review
mention my performance?
Huh? Oh, uh, no. Nothing.
Really? 'Cause I kinda
had a big, big role
- Charles, don't.
- (LIGHTER CLICKING)
(SINGING) Happy birthday to you! ♪
BOTH (SING): Happy birthday to you! ♪
Happy birthday, dear Mabel ♪
Happy birthday to you! ♪
- You're flat. Horrible.
- Sorry. I know.
- Thank you, guys.
- (ALL LAUGH)
Come on. Make a wish.
- (SIGHS) Ah, yes.
- CHARLES: Hey, come on. Sit down.
- CHARLES: There you go.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- (MABEL GIGGLES)
- They tried to keep us apart,
make me stick to my heart-healthy diet,
but you found your way back to me.
- (GROWLS, MOANING)
- Oliver, keep going.
Yeah Why?
I know you feel it, too.
(SHAKY BREATHS) You want me
No, you need me to tear into you,
- you naughty little mistress.
- (LOUD CHEWING)
I know who Ben was talking to.
- Wait!
- Gimme that!
Why don't you fuck the fuck off?
TOBERT (MUFFLED): You know
what? Fucking happy to!
(TOBERT PUNCHES DOOR)
♪
♪
(COAT HANGERS RATTLE)
You're not supposed to be here.
We both know you're bad.
(BEN PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) God, I want you.
I want you so fuckin' bad.
But we both know you'll ruin my career.
And I'm gonna like it.
(TURNS OFF CAMERA)
(SIGHS)
(DEEP SNIFFING, SIGHING)
(LOUD MOAN)
Mm!
(MOUTHFUL) Oh, my God!
Oh!
(MOANING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
What the fuck did you just do?
(BEN SIGHS)
You ate the whole thing.
You're disgusting.
(DEEP BREATH)
Loretta was right.
You're a fucking pig.
You're a fucking pig!
You're a fucking pig. You are
a fucking pig!
Pig! (PANTING)
Pig! (OINKING) You're a fucking pig!
(OINKING)
(SQUEALING)
(SNORTS) Fucking pig!
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPING)
(SOBS)
(DIALING)
(GASPING)
- (LINE RINGING)
- (GASPS)
TRIXIE (ON PHONE): This is
Trixie. Please leave me a message.
- (MESSAGE BEEPS)
- Uh, hey!
It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.
Um
Uh, are you, are you
guys coming to the show?
I really need you to, to be here.
Uh
I've just never felt
(VOICE BREAKING) so alone.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- OLIVER (MUFFLED): Ben?
Everyone gets opening night jitters!
I can talk you through it.
BEN: I-I gotta go. Please get here soon.
I'm surrounded by people I can't trust.
They're all out to get me.
- (HANGS UP)
- (SNIFFLES, SIGHS)
♪
(SNIFFLES)
(SNIFFS, COUGHS) Uh
I'm good.
I'm good.
(DOOR OPENS)
This whole time,
it wasn't who Ben was talking to,
it was what.
You think if those last 30 minutes
hadn't been so brutal,
maybe Ben wouldn't have
needed to eat that cookie.
Maybe he'd still be alive.
That cookie!
It was from Donna.
Mabel, what did that review
say about Ben's performance?
It said he was as
wooden as the lighthouse.
Donna said that exact
thing at sitzprobe.
She'd read the review.
A-And you know, she was always bragging
about her connection to the paper.
I bet she sweet-talked someone
into slipping her a copy.
She'd sabotage her own play?
It wasn't hers.
It was her son's.
His first production.
And if it had been panned,
it could have also been his last.
♪
MABEL: So, let's say Donna
gets her hands on the review
which says Ben is the
weak link of the show.
(DONNA SIGHS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
HOWARD (MUFFLED): That's odd.
(SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
She spots the rat poison.
Then, the cookie.
And she gets the idea to poison Ben.
Hmm.
♪
OLIVER: She leaves him the cookie,
knowing it's his weakness,
and that he's in a bad spot emotionally.
The perfect temptation.
CHARLES: All she has to do now
is make sure he eats the cookie.
Go to your dressing
room. Be nice to Ben.
Do whatever it takes
to get your ass ready
to go on that stage.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
TOBERT: Oh, hey, you're here!
BEN: Yeah, well, where
the shit else would I be?
TOBERT: Right. Well, how
about we start shooting
some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?
BEN: Look, dude, you know
I-I'm not an animal in your zoo.
So, we have our motive, the review.
We have the murder weapon, a cookie.
And when the cookie doesn't work,
she pushes him down the elevator shaft.
She was in and out of
that party all night.
She could have easily
made a murderous pit stop.
So,
we have our killer, Donna.
Which means we can get Loretta out!
Uh, I don't know.
Her arraignment's in 20 minutes,
and the courthouse is way downtown.
And I'm all out of ladders.
And I can't cry twice in one day.
Unless I think of my dad.
Or my mom.
Or any moment from my childhood.
Mabel, what is it?
Nobody stops a bride.
♪
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
MABEL: I still don't get
why you guys wore tuxes.
OLIVER: Oh, I never miss
a chance to put on my tux.
Last time I wore this was 1987 Emmys.
Wait, wait! That means Hey!
- Bebe Neuwirth's phone number!
- Ah!
- Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
- MABEL: Oh no!
OLIVER: A bride needs a cab. Please?
- Bride. Bride needs a cab.
- MABEL: Oh, thank you.
- You, out. You, in.
- MABEL: Thank you, ma'am!
OLIVER: Th-That's, that's very good.
MABEL: Wanna know what I wished for,
over that birthday candle
stuck in a tub of dip?
You're looking at it.
Thank you
Me with my two besties
doing murder stuff.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Not a bad life.
Wait. Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Y'all got an appointment?
It's my wedding, ma'am.
And you guys are, what, her two dads?
That's right. We're the
fathers of the bride. (LAUGHS)
Oh, that's fun.
So you got a groom in there?
(PANTING) Why does there
always have to be a groom?
Many happy returns.
Thank you.
♪
- (CROWD GASPS)
- There she is.
Loretta, wait!
Oliver, what are you doing here?
I came to stop you. Don't plead guilty.
Wow. You look great in orange.
Oh! I do?
(GIGGLES) Thanks.
You look really nice, too.
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, this old thing. I
- (BOTH LAUGH)
We know who murdered Ben.
You only confessed to save Dickie,
but he didn't do it.
And we can prove that.
You have to trust me.
(SIGHS) I do.
I trust you. I just
(WHISPERS) I've gone down
this road so far already.
(SIGHING)
Who do you think did it?
Um, Oliver?
(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)
(OLIVER SNORTS)
Fuckity fuck.
(LIVELY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
♪
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ben? Everyone gets
opening night jitters!
♪
I'm good.
My review was going to be a pan.
This one just didn't sing.
NYPD, motherfuckers!
The stalker, he didn't do it!
The killer is someone in this room.
We've got to get in on those interviews.
- (SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
- The spooky sound from opening night.
Someone was in here shredding something.
We need to reassemble
these. There might be a clue.
OLIVER: We have the
interrogations on tape.
CHARLES: We recorded everything.
OLIVER: You don't owe
me any explanation.
Th-The book is a little odd.
MABEL: These aren't photos of Ben.
They're photos of Dickie.
When he was gone for those
brief moments, I felt free.
And then he was back.
DICKIE: I couldn't take it anymore.
DONNA: You spend your whole
life looking out for your child,
and you'll do anything
to make sure they're okay.
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
Wait! I did it. I killed Ben.
No, you can't do this! Leave her alone!
(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)
- (HOLTER MONITOR BEEPING)
- Oh, my God
MABEL: Oliver?
- What's going on? Oliver!
- (OLIVER GRUNTS)
- CHARLES: Somebody! Get some help!
- MABEL: Oliver, wake up.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
MABEL: When I was 10,
my future looked so clear to me.
Married to Josh Hartnett,
with two kids, driving a Honda Odyssey.
Not a bad life.
Got another one coming. Push.
Wait, what's going on?
There's been a mistake.
I came here to see one of my friends.
He had a heart attack.
Don't worry.
You did great with the first two.
Just keep pushing.
You're having triplets.
No, I'm Triplets?
- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- And now, baby three!
MABEL: But here's the thing
about childhood fantasies.
- They almost never come true.
- (FANTASY BABIES BABBLING)
DOCTOR: Congratulations.
It's a podcast.
- Wah! (SUCKING)
- Mama!
- Wah! Wah!
- Mabel Mabel.
- Mabel! Mabel!
- Wah!
- OLIVER: Mabel!
- (EKG BEEPING)
The doctor said I can finally go home.
- What?
- Yeah.
No. No, no, no.
The man had a full-on
heart attack five days ago.
You rush him in here,
stick in a stent to prop
up his creaky artery
- Nobody said creaky.
- Now, you're just gonna go
and send him off into the world?
OLIVER: Mabel, I need to get back.
My show opens in two days,
and my star is about to
be charged with murder.
Doctor, maybe you should just
run a few more tests to be sure?
His body responded
very well to the stent.
Although I'm sure it was
quite a scare for all of you.
(SCOFFS) I wasn't scared.
Oh, is that so?
You know, I was just
pretending to be unconscious
when I heard you wailing,
"I can't let him go!
Come back to me, you
sweet son of a bitch!"
I was doing a performance
for the nurses.
They're big fans of
mine. What am I gonna do?
Not be Charles-Haden Savage?
Oh, admit it. You're obsessed with me.
Can't believe I actually missed this.
♪
Come on, Putnam. We've got work to do.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- CHARLES: Let's go.
MABEL: For starters,
if Loretta made up her
confession to protect her son,
don't we need to prove that her son
is Ben's real killer to get her out?
Loretta's been in jail a few days now.
I wonder if she's shaved her head
and gotten all jacked.
I can't let her take the fall for this.
She's the love of my life.
Love? I thought you
were just hooking up.
Oh, we hooked up.
We hooked up big time.
We hooked up and down
and every which direction.
- You name a way, we did a hook.
- Okay, alright, thank you.
Enough. Okay. I promise we
will get her home to you.
No matter how many face
tattoos she has now.
Eh-eh Charles, did you learn anything
from those police interrogations
we so skillfully recorded?
Actually, we haven't watched them yet.
We were sitting by your
bedside this whole time.
Mabel wanted to wait so
you could be a part of it.
Little softy.
- Aw!
- Uh, no! I
I didn't (SCOFFS) It
wasn't like I was like,
"Let's hold hands and
watch it together."
It was just like
Shut up.
- (OLIVER CHUCKLES)
- Okay, we're focusing on Dickie.
Loretta clearly thinks that he's guilty.
That's why she confessed to protect him.
Ben was poisoned,
and then later pushed
down the elevator shaft.
But, we don't know whose hanky
he was holding onto when he died.
I mean, it could be Dickie's.
We know that someone
wrote "fucking pig,"
in lipstick on his mirror,
and we have footage of
him in a heated moment
talking to an unseen person,
possibly a lover.
C-Can we just take a beat
to appreciate how magical this is?
The three of us,
reunited at last,
investigating as one.
Mabel, you stayed
faithful to the podcast.
You should take the lead.
Uh, just the besties are back.
Ooh! That should be our opening line!
You just said Mabel
should take the lead.
Can't I make a suggestion?
I narrowly escaped death,
and now you won't let me live?
Oh, wah, wah.
- Wah, wah!
- Wah, wah!
Oh, this is fucking weird.
Okay, okay. The besties are back.
(RECORDER BEEPS)
The besties are back.
It may take two to tango,
but it takes three to solve the
murder of an ill-fated movie star.
Welcome to a brand-new episode of
Only Murders in the Building.
Perfection.
(LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING)
(VOCALIZING)
♪
Let's just question Dickie
without spilling that
Loretta's his mother.
- It's not our place to tell him.
- Right.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh!
This one's for you.
Why do you still have
packages coming here?
Our geriatric doorman obviously forgot
I'm back from the hospital.
Lester's six months younger than you.
"Get well soon and find
me a new leading lady.
Smooches, Donna."
We are not gonna need
a new leading lady.
Oh, my God.
♪
Joy's wedding dress.
She had her mom send the
one she was married in,
so Joy could have it altered
for when she and I were
- I'll take this.
- Yeah.
Joy's mom is still alive?
Oh, yeah. Her dad, too. In fact,
he was gonna walk her down the aisle
holding her childhood dog.
We ready to go? Uh, clock's ticking.
OLIVER: Okay. (SIGHS)
So, Loretta, huh?
- I did not see that coming.
- OLIVER: Yeah.
Yeah. Us neither.
Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
For a minute,
we thought you did it.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
You did? Wh-Why?
Ah, it's so dumb.
We, um, we just know
- he stole CoBro from you.
- OLIVER: Uh-huh.
Oh.
Shit. Really?
Okay. Yeah, I was resentful.
Yeah, and you told me
you cover up things,
so I kinda figured you
covered up his blood work
to hide the poison in his system.
I did do that.
I mean, I didn't know he
was poisoned when I did it.
I just knew there was
other stuff in there
he wouldn't want getting out.
Wait, you believe me, right?
Oh, of course. Yes.
Out of, uh, curiosity,
where were you when Ben
was pushed to his death?
Because you weren't
pushing him, obviously.
E-Everyone knows that.
But, uh, unless
I left your party early.
I was freaked the fuck out
that Ben came back to life,
and I had to get outta there.
So, I
(SIGHS) I got wasted, put
on Ben's CoBro suit,
and went looking for drugs and whores.
- Well, who wouldn't?
- Wow.
Why should he have all the fun?
That's what Ben was into?
Every Thursday, he'd
disappear for hours.
And when I asked about it,
he'd say, "Snitches get stitches."
So, I tracked his phone
to a place on Broadway
between 35th and 36th,
where he'd go to
do sex with his "five whores,"
as he so affectionately called them.
He even saved opening
night seats for them.
Uh, Trixie, Marigold,
Emerald, Dot, and Mei Mei.
Here. (SIGHS)
♪
I was outside, screaming for them
to bring me the five whores.
I slept there all night.
A dog peed on me.
I hope it was a dog.
This is proof you weren't at the Arconia
when Ben was pushed.
The cops got that image
from a security camera
after I told them where I was,
but they didn't really
buy it as an alibi,
since you can't fully see my face.
I guess I should just be
grateful there isn't audio.
(SIGHS)
I just can't believe Loretta did it.
Well, for what it's worth,
w-we don't think she really did do it.
But why else would she confess?
- No idea.
- Oh, yeah, theater folk, cuckoo!
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Wait a minute.
If you guys think the
killer's still out there,
I should probably call my lawyer.
Um
- CHARLES: Hm.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
(PHONE STOPS RECORDING)
Guys, if he's telling the truth,
he couldn't have pushed Ben.
That means that Loretta gave herself up
for someone who didn't even do it.
If we can find the real killer in time,
maybe we can convince Loretta
to take back her confession.
Charles, her arraignment is at 5:00 p.m.
We need to figure out what Ben was doing
and who he was seeing
in the last few days
leading up to his death.
I say we start at Broadway and 35th.
Except we can't just walk into a brothel
without a reservation.
♪
I know what we need.
- (DISTANT SIREN WAILS)
- Nobody stops a guy with a ladder!
It gets you in anywhere.
(SIGHS) So the ladder's the new turkey.
It might work better if
the guy carrying the ladder
wasn't also wearing orthopedic shoes
- and dressed like a leprechaun.
- OLIVER: Hm!
Hey! Hey, this is it.
CHARLES: Snitches Get Stitches?
It's a fabric shop.
No, no, no, no, no. It's a front.
Brothels always use puns to
name their fake businesses.
I learned that by wandering
in the back of a cabinet shop
called All By My Shelf.
Follow my lead! Let
the ladder do the work.
Wait a second! I have a better way in.
No one says no to a crying man.
I did a scene in Brazzos, episode 315.
The Foreign Exchange Killer.
It was a good one.
And I cried a single solitary tear.
And that week, our
fan mail went sky high.
Mostly from men. You wanna know why?
You helped them access
their inner feelings.
Yes.
But just gimme a go. Gimme the stage.
No, no, no. No.
- Me first. (STRUGGLING)
- CHARLES: Stop it!
Just here to change a light bulb!
No, you can't go back there.
- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Of course not, dude.
We all know what's going
on in the back room.
Wink, wink.
But did you see my ladder?
(PHONY CRYING)
(FORCED PANTING)
I'm sorry. Is my crying upsetting you?
You're not crying.
Give it a minute.
(WHEEZING)
(GRUNTING, GASPS)
This guy's made of stone.
Do you have any menthol
for under the eyes?
Yeah, I have a bucket of menthol.
(GRUNTING, STRAINING)
Do you need a restroom?
We have one in the back.
Oh! Thank you so much. Get in there.
Thanks.
OLIVER: Ooh!
(SEWING MACHINES WHIRRING)
You're the five whores?
- (MACHINES STOP)
- MABEL: Please ignore him!
I'm sorry. We were just
looking for a group of women
- who might have known Ben Glenroy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- But we'll just get out of the way.
- Sorry.
Benny!
Oh, yes! We knew him!
Our sewing circle met
here every Thursday.
Benny said sewing kept him off
all those dangerous street drugs.
We miss him terribly.
When was the last time you saw him?
Oh, um,
his big opening night of Death Rattle.
♪
- (SEWING MACHINE WHIRRING)
- TRIXIE: We'd stayed up all night
helping him sew
these lovely hankies
for his cast and crew
while running lines.
"Everyone else in that
lighthouse is dead, Nanny.
So the killer is either
you, me, or the baby."
SEAMSTRESSES: "I wouldn't
bet on that baby, detective."
He wanted to make
something special for them,
something personal.
He said he treated a lot of them
like a steaming pile of cow manure.
We finished those hankies just in time,
and off Benny went to the theater.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm gonna see you all
at the theater, ladies.
- We're rooting for you. Bye.
- Love you. (KISSING)
TRIXIE: But then
Mei Mei, my phone.
BEN (ON VOICEMAIL): Uh, hey!
It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.
Um
Uh, a-are you guys coming to the show?
I really need you t-to be here.
Uh, I've just never felt
(VOICE BREAKING) so alone.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- OLIVER (ON VOICEMAIL): Ben?
Everyone gets opening night jitters!
I can talk you through it.
That's me just before curtain.
BEN (ON VOICEMAIL): I-I gotta
go. Please get here soon.
I'm surrounded by people I can't trust.
They're all out to get me.
TRIXIE: It's so hard
to hear him like that.
He was so excited for
us to see the show.
(OLIVER SIGHS)
- Alright. Okay. Okay.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you. Sorry. Thank you so much.
Oh, this
is a gift for you.
- It's a, a ladder. Okay.
- Oh, well, thank you!
Sorry for calling you whores.
Oh, that's alright.
I used to be one.
Okay. That's interesting. Bye.
MABEL: So what happened from the time
Ben arrived at the theater
on top of the world,
to leaving a distressed voicemail
30 minutes later? I mean,
who did he think was out to get him?
I already know how we can find out.
The interrogations.
Williams questioned everyone
who crossed paths with Ben that night,
and we can use those interrogations
to make a timeline of that 30 minutes!
Ah! I knew you were due for a good idea
since your last one six months ago.
Huh?
When you proposed we go halfsies
on a New Yorker digital subscription.
That was your idea.
Oh, good. You owe me $32,
and I'm keeping the free tote.
Shh, guys.
KT's up first.
KT (ON COMPUTER): All actors
must be at the theater
for what we call "half hour."
Boots on the ground 30
minutes before curtain.
Not 28, not 29, 30.
♪
Ben, of course, was late.
(BAGS RUSTLING)
(BEN SIGHS)
Check it! I have gifts for everyone.
Where the fuck have you
been? Get into costume!
Go!
KT sure knows how to kill a mood.
Someone should really
talk to her about her tone.
Oh, the producer's son is up next.
Oh, Cliff.
I saw Ben right after KT yelled at him.
Not a fan of her tone.
Schmackary's? They're so good.
Mom ordered them special.
Check out the rattles. Can you even?
(CLIFF CHUCKLES)
You know what, get those away from me.
I'm fasting till after the show.
Wait! No.
Let me just smell 'em.
(DEEP SNIFF) Oh, g
I said get them away from me!
Hey, listen. I need you to check
on my five guests for tonight.
Emerald, Trixie,
Marigold, Dot, and Mei Mei.
The five whores.
Sorry. I Th-That's how
I learned them in my brain.
Charles, can you scooch a little?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
So that's new. Ben was
fasting before the show.
- Let's keep going.
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
DICKIE (ON COMPUTER):
I'll admit, I was furious with Ben.
I mean, who shows up late
to his opening night?
It was always something
with him, which is why
(SIGHS) Loretta was
encouraging me to leave him.
♪
I just (SIGHS)
I just think you deserve
so much better, you know?
Look at your arm. Oh
These are stress hives.
I call 'em "Benny bites."
(LORETTA GROANS)
What about that cortisone
cream I gave you?
- Did you use that?
- DICKIE: I did.
How did we not get
that she's his mother?
I feel she's about to give him a bottle.
Doesn't Loretta look pretty?
And did you make that
list of bullet points
to say when you quit?
That always helps me, I tell you.
Sure. Yeah.
Uh-oh, incoming.
- Hey!
- You losers passing notes?
Okay, I'm gonna go warm up.
See you at fight call.
- Give it!
- (BEN LAUGHS)
Wait, what is this?
Are you quitting?
I was gonna wait till after the show.
She, she put you up to this.
'Cause you know fucking
Loretta, she's been
She's been driving a wedge
between us from day one.
It's not Loretta! It's you!
I've spent my entire life
catering to the great Ben Glenroy!
Who we all know isn't exactly
a delight to be around!
See bullet point four!
Ju
You know what? Yeah, fine.
Alright, fine. Go ahead.
Fuck if I care!
You're a lousy manager anyway.
And you know what? And you're
an even lousier brother.
I know you think you created it,
but I am CoBro!
Actually, no. You know what?
The way you just betrayed me?
I'm NoBro.
Because I don't have a brother anymore.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
OLIVER: Loretta was
encouraging Dickie to leave Ben?
- Messy, messy. Who's next?
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
After Ben arrived, I went to KT's office
to get the ritual broom.
The door was locked,
which I thought was odd.
(RATTLING KNOB)
That's odd.
(SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
♪
I'll do a progress
check on the shredder.
(KEYPAD CLACKING)
And so, it was the brilliant
Howard Francis Morris
who cracked the case by
- (WIND BLOWING)
- Oh, fuckity fuck!
(TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
(HOWARD SIGHS)
Howard says he needs more time.
If I'm not mistaken,
next up is Ben and Loretta's
fight call rehearsal.
- Oh, she told me about this on our date.
- (CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
Well, Ben accused me of trying
to steal Dickie from him.
And this was just moments
after he learned his
brother was quitting.
(BEN PANTING)
♪
- LORETTA: You're late.
- BEN: Whatever.
Let's just do this.
That's enough, Detective.
I'm not gonna let you take that baby.
You are just a nanny.
You can't keep him.
You're not the mother.
He needs me to be his
mother now. (GRUNTS)
It's my job to protect him as
if he were born of my own flesh!
Wow, this dialogue really lines up.
What are you (GASPS)
(GRUNTS) Stay out of our lives!
- What?
- I mean it!
- Stay the fuck away from my brother.
- (LORETTA YELPS)
♪
LORETTA: He's been
nothing but loyal to you!
All you do is treat him like shit!
You weaseled your way
into this production.
No! Let me go, you fucking pig.
CHARLES: Hey, look. There's me.
God, I'm pale.
What the hell's going on?
Is that what I sound like?
He attacked me!
BEN: What? No, I didn't.
We were rehearsing.
- Stay out of it, fuckbag.
- Hey! (GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
That's
My face!
♪
I still can't believe you hit him.
Well, why don't you add "for
good reason" to the board?
Or "Charles punches Ben
and he had it coming"?
Anyway, this is where Joy
comes in to touch up the bruise,
which wasn't that bad anyway.
Yeah, e-easy, Cassius.
Joy leaves her lipstick behind
in Ben's dressing room, and
who's the next person to see him?
♪
(CLICKS TOUCHPAD)
DONNA (ON COMPUTER): I did see Ben, yes.
It was right after I gave
Cliff a little pep talk.
(LAUGHS)
My tummy is in knots.
Oh, it's almost showtime.
I've put everything into this play.
I need it to be a hit.
Oh, it will be.
- I won't let you fail, sweetie.
- (CLIFF SIGHS)
- Here's a kiss from Mommy.
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
BEN: Hey!
Wh-Where are my guests?
I don't see them in their seats.
Yeah, I think traffic's pretty bad.
Something's happening at
the UN. I don't know what.
You know, I'm boycotting global politics
until everyone just gets along.
Fuck.
DONNA: I'm going to be
straight with you, Ben.
It's opening night,
and you look like shit.
Can you see a mark?
What?
It's f-fucking Charles and Loretta.
I'm j I'm, I'm done with them both!
I don't know what's going
on with you, darling,
but this is not a good energy.
Go to your dressing room.
Be nice to Ben.
Do whatever it takes
to get your ass ready
to go on that stage.
(SIGHS) Alright.
♪
TOBERT: Oh, hey, you're here!
Yeah, well, where the
shit else would I be?
Right. Well, how about we start shooting
some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?
Look, dude, you know I-I'm
not an animal in your zoo.
What?
I'm doing the thing
you're paying me to do.
You know what? Not anymore.
- Wait!
- Gimme that!
Why don't you fuck the fuck off?
You know what? Fucking happy to!
(PUNCHES DOOR)
♪
So, Ben takes Tobert's camera
into his dressing room
where he's caught talking to somebody.
Watch.
(CLICKING TOUCHPAD)
I want you so fuckin' bad.
(SIGHS)
But you're gonna ruin my career.
And I'm gonna like it.
Who the hell is he talking to?
Everyone's accounted for.
This, my friends, is
what we call a dead end.
♪
(OLIVER SIGHING)
I told Ben, "I know what you did."
But I didn't have the whole picture.
His, his brother was leaving him.
I punched him.
He was fasting.
His elderly sewing ladies
got stuck in UN traffic
and didn't even see the show.
And all this goes on
30 minutes before his Broadway debut
after being up all night
making hankies for everybody?
Oh, my God.
It was Ben who needed
a hanky to cry into.
(SOBS) Oh jeez!
Oh!
The damn has burst!
(SOBBING)
Nah, there's a little bit.
- There's a little something.
- Eh, not much.
Thank God that's over.
(CHARLES SIGHS)
Ben must have been poisoned
in that pocket of time
by whoever he was talking to.
- I if we could just figure out
- CHARLES: Give it up.
We don't know what we don't know.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
- I'm sorry, Oliver.
I don't think we're gonna solve
this in time to free Loretta.
(OLIVER SIGHS) I suppose it's fine.
I guess I'll just die sad and alone.
Wanna know how I was able to
access those tears just now?
I thought about Joy.
Seeing her wedding dress
was like a punch in the gut.
I hear she's with Bakula now.
Scott or Jeff?
Scott. Who's Jeff Bakula?
Eh, I have both of you beat
in the "we're losers" competition.
I still don't have my life figured out,
I haven't solved this case,
and I have no place to live.
Still lost.
You don't have to have it all
worked out. You've got time.
Yeah, well, tell that
to 10-year-old Mabel.
(SIGHS) This is a MASH
from when I was a kid.
You know, the game that
tells you your future?
Anyway, mine predicted
that I would be married
to Josh Hartnett,
with two kids,
driving a Honda Odyssey.
I was so sure this MASH was right.
I made my mom promise to send
it to me when I turned 30.
Came in the mail today,
so perfect timing.
Wait.
Are you saying today's
your 30th birthday?
- (OLIVER GASPS)
- And you spent it running around
looking for clues with the two of us?
Honestly, there's no
way I'd rather spend it.
(OLIVER SIGHS)
What do you think
10-year-old Mabel would say
if she could see how your
life actually turned out?
Oh, she'd be horrified.
But what the fuck did she
know? She shopped at Wet Seal.
- (OLIVER CHUCKLES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
HOWARD: I did it!
I solved the shredder paper!
But I've been taping too long.
My vision's gone
blurry. I can't read it.
- No, no, o-over here. Yes, okay.
- Oh, you're over here.
O.M. God! I know what this is.
That fast?
No, I just need to read two words.
Two words I'll never forget.
"Didn't sing."
This is Maxine's review
of my original show,
but it was never published.
How did someone get ahold of this?
HOWARD: Two words. I need to get LASIK,
and he only needed two words.
- What is that?
- Torn paper?
I need to tape it together.
(GRABS PAPER)
Look what you've turned me into!
(THUDS) Ow.
This review says Ben was
the weak link of the show.
She said, "He was as wooden as
the lighthouse he's standing on."
What if someone read this that night?
Maybe they decided to get
rid of Ben to save the play.
There are a lot of careers
riding on it being a hit.
Not mine, of course.
I came to it as an
established TV veteran.
Yes, and thank you for your service.
Guys?
This could be our motive.
Now we're getting somewhere!
I-I need to refuel.
Charles, please tell
me you have some dips
I think there's some, uh,
Norwegian red herring in the fridge.
♪
Hey, did that review
mention my performance?
Huh? Oh, uh, no. Nothing.
Really? 'Cause I kinda
had a big, big role
- Charles, don't.
- (LIGHTER CLICKING)
(SINGING) Happy birthday to you! ♪
BOTH (SING): Happy birthday to you! ♪
Happy birthday, dear Mabel ♪
Happy birthday to you! ♪
- You're flat. Horrible.
- Sorry. I know.
- Thank you, guys.
- (ALL LAUGH)
Come on. Make a wish.
- (SIGHS) Ah, yes.
- CHARLES: Hey, come on. Sit down.
- CHARLES: There you go.
- (OLIVER SIGHS)
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- (MABEL GIGGLES)
- They tried to keep us apart,
make me stick to my heart-healthy diet,
but you found your way back to me.
- (GROWLS, MOANING)
- Oliver, keep going.
Yeah Why?
I know you feel it, too.
(SHAKY BREATHS) You want me
No, you need me to tear into you,
- you naughty little mistress.
- (LOUD CHEWING)
I know who Ben was talking to.
- Wait!
- Gimme that!
Why don't you fuck the fuck off?
TOBERT (MUFFLED): You know
what? Fucking happy to!
(TOBERT PUNCHES DOOR)
♪
♪
(COAT HANGERS RATTLE)
You're not supposed to be here.
We both know you're bad.
(BEN PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) God, I want you.
I want you so fuckin' bad.
But we both know you'll ruin my career.
And I'm gonna like it.
(TURNS OFF CAMERA)
(SIGHS)
(DEEP SNIFFING, SIGHING)
(LOUD MOAN)
Mm!
(MOUTHFUL) Oh, my God!
Oh!
(MOANING)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
What the fuck did you just do?
(BEN SIGHS)
You ate the whole thing.
You're disgusting.
(DEEP BREATH)
Loretta was right.
You're a fucking pig.
You're a fucking pig!
You're a fucking pig. You are
a fucking pig!
Pig! (PANTING)
Pig! (OINKING) You're a fucking pig!
(OINKING)
(SQUEALING)
(SNORTS) Fucking pig!
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPING)
(SOBS)
(DIALING)
(GASPING)
- (LINE RINGING)
- (GASPS)
TRIXIE (ON PHONE): This is
Trixie. Please leave me a message.
- (MESSAGE BEEPS)
- Uh, hey!
It's, uh, it's me. It's Benny.
Um
Uh, are you, are you
guys coming to the show?
I really need you to, to be here.
Uh
I've just never felt
(VOICE BREAKING) so alone.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- OLIVER (MUFFLED): Ben?
Everyone gets opening night jitters!
I can talk you through it.
BEN: I-I gotta go. Please get here soon.
I'm surrounded by people I can't trust.
They're all out to get me.
- (HANGS UP)
- (SNIFFLES, SIGHS)
♪
(SNIFFLES)
(SNIFFS, COUGHS) Uh
I'm good.
I'm good.
(DOOR OPENS)
This whole time,
it wasn't who Ben was talking to,
it was what.
You think if those last 30 minutes
hadn't been so brutal,
maybe Ben wouldn't have
needed to eat that cookie.
Maybe he'd still be alive.
That cookie!
It was from Donna.
Mabel, what did that review
say about Ben's performance?
It said he was as
wooden as the lighthouse.
Donna said that exact
thing at sitzprobe.
She'd read the review.
A-And you know, she was always bragging
about her connection to the paper.
I bet she sweet-talked someone
into slipping her a copy.
She'd sabotage her own play?
It wasn't hers.
It was her son's.
His first production.
And if it had been panned,
it could have also been his last.
♪
MABEL: So, let's say Donna
gets her hands on the review
which says Ben is the
weak link of the show.
(DONNA SIGHS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
HOWARD (MUFFLED): That's odd.
(SHREDDER WHIRRING, GRINDING)
She spots the rat poison.
Then, the cookie.
And she gets the idea to poison Ben.
Hmm.
♪
OLIVER: She leaves him the cookie,
knowing it's his weakness,
and that he's in a bad spot emotionally.
The perfect temptation.
CHARLES: All she has to do now
is make sure he eats the cookie.
Go to your dressing
room. Be nice to Ben.
Do whatever it takes
to get your ass ready
to go on that stage.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
TOBERT: Oh, hey, you're here!
BEN: Yeah, well, where
the shit else would I be?
TOBERT: Right. Well, how
about we start shooting
some behind-the-scenes stuff, huh?
BEN: Look, dude, you know
I-I'm not an animal in your zoo.
So, we have our motive, the review.
We have the murder weapon, a cookie.
And when the cookie doesn't work,
she pushes him down the elevator shaft.
She was in and out of
that party all night.
She could have easily
made a murderous pit stop.
So,
we have our killer, Donna.
Which means we can get Loretta out!
Uh, I don't know.
Her arraignment's in 20 minutes,
and the courthouse is way downtown.
And I'm all out of ladders.
And I can't cry twice in one day.
Unless I think of my dad.
Or my mom.
Or any moment from my childhood.
Mabel, what is it?
Nobody stops a bride.
♪
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
MABEL: I still don't get
why you guys wore tuxes.
OLIVER: Oh, I never miss
a chance to put on my tux.
Last time I wore this was 1987 Emmys.
Wait, wait! That means Hey!
- Bebe Neuwirth's phone number!
- Ah!
- Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
- MABEL: Oh no!
OLIVER: A bride needs a cab. Please?
- Bride. Bride needs a cab.
- MABEL: Oh, thank you.
- You, out. You, in.
- MABEL: Thank you, ma'am!
OLIVER: Th-That's, that's very good.
MABEL: Wanna know what I wished for,
over that birthday candle
stuck in a tub of dip?
You're looking at it.
Thank you
Me with my two besties
doing murder stuff.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Not a bad life.
Wait. Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Y'all got an appointment?
It's my wedding, ma'am.
And you guys are, what, her two dads?
That's right. We're the
fathers of the bride. (LAUGHS)
Oh, that's fun.
So you got a groom in there?
(PANTING) Why does there
always have to be a groom?
Many happy returns.
Thank you.
♪
- (CROWD GASPS)
- There she is.
Loretta, wait!
Oliver, what are you doing here?
I came to stop you. Don't plead guilty.
Wow. You look great in orange.
Oh! I do?
(GIGGLES) Thanks.
You look really nice, too.
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, this old thing. I
- (BOTH LAUGH)
We know who murdered Ben.
You only confessed to save Dickie,
but he didn't do it.
And we can prove that.
You have to trust me.
(SIGHS) I do.
I trust you. I just
(WHISPERS) I've gone down
this road so far already.
(SIGHING)
Who do you think did it?
Um, Oliver?
(DRAMATIC STING PLAYS)
(OLIVER SNORTS)
Fuckity fuck.
(LIVELY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
♪